Original subtitles

You see, Anwerp's famous painting called Man with Nose and Ear.

One might say it reflects how the author sees a man plagued with worry.

I can see that. Listen, if I had my nose and my ear, I'd be worried, too.

See, I can sneeze.

No, I ain't kidding you. I can sneeze and blow my head off.

Be quiet. I'd like to absorb this lecture.

How would you like to absorb this?

Over here.

Over here is what's called assemblage art.

Now, does anybody here have any idea what the author's trying to say?

Yeah. Stay off the freeway.

Ladies and gentlemen, that concludes our tour for the day. Thank you very much.

And please, come again. You're free to browse.

Thank you. I'm getting out of here. Wait a minute.

Hey,

that was a real nice lecture, Sandra. You really know your work. Well, thank

you, Lamont. I'm glad you and your father could make it.

Mr. Sanford, so nice to meet you. Thank you. Say, listen, how much is this pile

of art?

$40 ,000.

Mr. Sanford, art can't be measured in terms of dollars and cents. You see, art

is a legacy, something left behind by its creators.

Well... I got a legacy.

What? My unpaid bills.

Mr. Sanford, the artist's whole life is in this art. Each piece here represents

a part of him. What you see here before you is, well, what's inside of the

artist? Maybe he needed a physic.

I know I sound terrible, man. I got the world's worst headache.

Some fool's been outside hammering and banging all night long.

No, man, I don't know who it is.

Hey, look, I like what those circulars that you have printed up said, you know,

Sanford and Sutton clearance sale with the dates printed on the bottom.

Yeah, that was hip.

And you sure that guy's going to have them printed up by tomorrow morning,

right?

Good.

What?

No, Rallo, I don't need any original $10 bills with Marvin Gaye's pictures on

them.

All right, I'll talk to you later.

All right.

Don't tell me that that was you out here hammering and banging all last night.

What? I said don't tell me that that was you out here hammering and banging all

night long.

Speak right up, son.

I can't hear you. My ears are numb.

I've been out here hammering and banging all night.

Hey, man.

What are you doing?

What am I doing? I'm building a legacy.

A legacy. When people see this, they'll remember me. That will make me immoral.

That's immortal.

Have you forgotten, Pop? We borrowed $400 from the bank, man. And the sale is

only two days away. If it's not 100 % successful, we're going to be in hock up

to our ears.

We'll be ready.

Okay.

I got to go make some pickups with the truck. Now, when I get back, I'm going

be gone all day. When I get back here tonight, I expect this thing to be

finished. Finished?

Son, you cannot put a time limit on creativity.

Did Mrs. Bell say, hurry up, man, and invent a telephone? I got to call my

mother.

I said, hurry up, man. Will you get that light bulb finished? Because it's

getting dark in here.

Hey, Pop, I'm home.

Oh, hey, Grady. How you doing? I don't know, Ma. I'm tired, man.

I must have put over 200 miles on that truck today. Stop.

Bargain. Make a deal. Load the truck.

Stop. Bargain. Make a deal. Load the truck.

Yeah, I know the feeling. I'm tired, too.

I must have played over 200 games of solitaire.

Shuffle, make a deal, cheat myself.

Shuffle, deal, cheat.

It's almost 6 o 'clock, man. Where's my papa? I'm starving.

Who? My father, Grady. Fred Stanford.

Lamar, don't ever mention my ex -best friend's name in this house again.

What are you talking about, Grady?

If a certain party who shall remain nameless wants to treat his ex -best

the way that this nameless person is doing, then his ex -best friend shall

refrain from naming this nameless person's name ever again.

What are you talking about, Brady?

Lamont, your father can take his art and shove it up his nose.

Grady, what are you trying to say?

Who needs nameless? I don't need nameless.

I'm swinging Grady.

Gregarious Grady.

Groovy, graceful Grady.

Would you please tell me what you're trying to say?

Lamont, I'm lonely.

I'm so lonely.

Your father...

mean to tell me he hasn't finished that monstrosity yet no all right well i'm

gonna put a stop to this right now the sale is two days away and he's out here

what

is

it damn if i know

when I left here this morning that I wanted you to get this thing out of

Listen, I'm going to try and forget that you call this a thing.

And I'm going to try and forget that you look like the fruit section of the

supermarket.

That's all right. Go on and sell it and see if I care.

Great artists all down through the ages have always been insulted.

So if you want to call it a thing, go on and call it a thing. It's a thing.

If you want to call it junk, call it junk.

It's junk.

If you want to call it ugly, call it ugly.

It's ugly.

If you want to call it, call the hospital and get a room ready.

How's your time?

How's your time?

I'll see you later, Martin. Goodbye, Angus.

How's that?

I'll get on back to work. Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute,

a minute. Now, we got over $200 worth of inventory out there in the truck, Pop,

and I can't even bring it in here because of this tower.

Tower? That's right.

They got the watchtower.

and the Eiffel Tower, and now the Fred G. Sanford Memorial Tower, and private

park, and historic landmark, and forest.

You're really serious about this, aren't you? That's right.

Well, I'm going to level with you, Pop. In my opinion, you've created a

shapeless, formless, meaningless piece of nothing.

Son, don't be so hard on yourself.

expressing my true feelings about your tower.

And I'm expressing my true feelings. I know that, Papa.

But look, son, this is more than a tower.

It's part of my life.

Everything here means something in my life. Look at it. I mean, just look

around. Pick out something.

It has something to do with my life.

All right. A water pistol with a flower sticking out of it. What is that? That

means something to my life.

That reminds me of the first job I had in Los Angeles.

A water pistol with a flower sticking out of it? Well, you were too young to

remember. when I was a night watchman at the Carnation Milk Company.

Look, Pop, I realize that you're serious about this project, man, but you're

going to have to tear it down. The clearance sale is only two days away.

Tear this down? I'd rather spend three nights and two days in Las Vegas with

your Aunt Esther in a cheap room with a door locked from the outside.

I realize you're serious about it, but this is a...

This is an ugly mess that you've made here, man.

You don't know nothing about judging art.

You know there's one in kindergarten that flunked clay.

All right, I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to call the

museum, and I'm going to ask Sandra to fall by here, and we'll let her decide

this is art or not. Is that fair enough?

That's fair enough. That's fair.

Now, listen. Now, you get out of my way, because you're standing in the light.

What light?

It's 7 o 'clock at night.

Sure is.

Well, get out of the way. You're standing in my dark.

I really appreciate it. Hey, you're welcome, Lamont, but I can't stay but a

minutes because I have another tour. Okay. Hey, Pop, Sandra's here.

Hi, honey.

Hi, Mr. Sampson. Where is it?

Where is it?

Here it is.

My art. My masterpiece.

My legacy.

You love it, don't you?

Uh, Pop, I think it would be only fair for you to go in the house and let

judge this, you know, without being around.

Yes, Mr. Sampson.

That's it.

That's it. And you're right, sir. What's fair is fair.

And, uh, I want to be fair.

And you're going to be fair because you love it, don't you? I know you love it.

You're a fool not to love it.

Well?

You want the truth. The truth.

Lamont, it's incredible.

It's shocking. It's worthless.

I mean, it's no unity. It's no theme. It's just a conglomeration of items

without any social significance.

Yeah, I kind of figured that, too. Look, I wouldn't have even bothered you to

come over here, except, see, I'm desperate, man. If my father doesn't get

out of the way, I'm going to have to call a sale off.

I understand, and I'm sorry, but I got to go. All right, I'll tell my papa what

you said, and hey, thanks a lot for coming over. You're welcome. I'll see

Friday night. Sure will.

Hey,

Pop?

Pop?

Yeah, come here, son.

Look here, son.

I got this book over here. I got it from the library.

It's all about famous people who left legacies. You know what I mean? It's

called Who's Who. Yeah, right. I know that. And your father, Fred G. Sanford,

going right here with the gynecologist and the biologist and all them

dermatologists. He's right here in the capital jail for a junkologist.

Yeah, look. See, I got something to tell you, Papa.

I just don't remember when I've been this happy.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, and see, working on my art has given my life a new meaning. You

know, something to look forward to.

You know, because when I leave this work of art, I leave something people will

remember.

And when I go and have that big one, that real big one, and head for that

easel in the sky, I leave part of my life here.

Something people will know and remember.

Yeah, but see, you know, son, I feel penned.

No, 15.

No, 20 years younger.

You want to play some stickball?

Uh, Pop, see, Sandra said... Oh, yeah, Sandra, Sandra.

Hey, hey, hey, she loved it, didn't she?

Well... She was impressed.

She said it was shocking and incredible.

Shocking and incredible.

Son, I could cry.

Give me some of those handywags, will you?

What else did she say?

Well, she mentioned things like unity and theme and social significance.

Social significance.

Now I know I'm going to cry, sir.

Social significance.

Yeah, I think I'm going to cry too. He's going into who's who and I'm going into

who's broke.

Fred Santa, you are heathen.

The first time you've been on...

knees in the history of your miserable life, and you kneel to a pagan idol.

This ain't no pagan idol.

It's a legacy.

That's what it is, a legacy.

And I wasn't kneeling down praying. I was working.

What?

Don't make me laugh.

Let me tell you something, every time I see you, it makes me wish that birth

control was retroactive.

Why'd you come here for the button anyway?

I didn't want to see your old weasel face.

I came to see Lamont.

What's this ugly mess?

Ugly mess?

Ugly mess. What's the name of this ugly mess?

I call it Esther.

gonna make you mad because when you get mad your bottom your bottom lip look

like you wearing a brown turtleneck sweater

now let me tell you this now you

can look at this and you can look at that but if you look at my tower you're

gonna put 50 cent in the hat you ain't getting no money out of me oh no oh no

yes i will oh no you won't throw your hands up throw them up that's it

Would you stop it? I can't leave you alone for two minutes. Why don't you

in trouble?

I'll uppercut her to death.

Lamont!

This old heathen want me to pay him for coming in here. He ought to tip me just

to look at you.

Now, that's enough.

That's enough now.

Lamont, will you drive me over to Pastor Stackhouse's church? I'd love to,

Honesty, but I don't have the truck.

That mean you didn't loan the truck to somebody else? No, I didn't loan the

truck to somebody else. I parked it. I had to park it on the street last night,

and it got towed away.

Why you let the truck get towed away? Because there was no place to park it in

here. Now, do you have $25 so I can go get the truck?

Do mice bark?

I have some money at the house I can loan you. Thanks a lot, Aunt Esther.

I was saving to buy me a new spring outfit.

Don't get no spring outfit. Just get a mattress and cover your face with it.

Stop it. Come on, Aunt Esther.

get the pick of the litter. You get it? Junk? Litter? Not that funny, is it?

You have to admit.

Well, uh, well, maybe it isn't.

Uh, what's on your mind?

Say, uh, what is that?

Well, some people might say it's junk, and some might say it's art.

Some might say it's a legacy.

Well, put me down for the one that might say it's junk.

What can I do for you, fellas?

Well, Mr.

Sanford, I've recently been chosen Mr.

Swinging Single down at the traffic division.

You've been chosen, Mr. Swinging Single?

Well, it was closed between me and Sergeant Kaminsky, but then, you know,

to step down because he moved in with his mom.

Anyway, I was looking for a few knickknacks, you know, a few objects to

-chat to decorate my new apartment, and, uh, price is no object.

Oh, well, maybe you'd like to pick a few things from over here in this tack. I

got some nice stuff here.

Say, that's interesting, that old brass boiler.

No, no. I said take some stuff from over here, not from over there. Hey, that

boiler is great. I could make a planter out of that. You know, Mr. Sanford, that

would be just the perfect thing to artistically set off my connect -the

painting of Police Chief Davis.

Okay? Now, uh, I'll give you 25 bucks for it. No.

35.

Not for sale. I'll go 45.

Absolutely not. I gotta have that boiler. Uh, 50 bucks. I'll go 50 bucks.

to the man in the blue uniform for 5 -0.

You know it's not the sale.

Well, we bought this stuff for the sale.

Son, this is not stuff.

This is labor of love.

Oh, don't give me that labor of love stuff. Hey, wait a minute, Lamont. Now

you're talking about this stuff. You don't speak to me. I'm your father.

Fred, Lamont, look, why don't we come back when you get this all settled?

you get together and, you know, knock to each other. No, hold on.

Rap to each other. Oh, yeah, rap to each other.

Just be honest, you know, let it all hang off. Hang off?

So long.

It's so long, right? Just sit in the car.

Hey,

look. Look at it, son.

So stately.

So majestic.

Get off of there, bitch.

Get off of there.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, partner.

This tower of yours is costing us a fortune, man. All right, I'll be right

Yeah, he's inside.

Say, listen, what do you think of it now?

Well, frankly, Mr. Sanford, my opinion hasn't changed very much. Really?

I thought you'd taken it down by now.

Taken it down?

Why should I take down something shocking and incredible and a piece of

significant theme art?

What? Well, that's what Lamont said that you said, and because you said that...

That's why I'm not going to charge you a regular admission that this one's on

me.

Mr. Sanford, I'm afraid there's been some mistake.

Yes, it is, because it turned out a lot better than you thought it was, didn't

it? Now, listen, tell me everything that you've told Lamont, word for word.

Well, Mr. Sanford, I believe you better sit down.

I know I owe you, Rallo.

I don't know when I'm going to have the money, man. I owe the bank, I owe you, I

owe Ernesta.

I don't print the money, you know.

I know you do.

Hey, Rollo, I'm going to have to call you back, all right?

Okay.

Hey, Pop?

Yeah.

What happened, man? What'd you do?

I tore it down because Sandra was by here and told me everything.

Hey, I'm sorry, man.

Yeah, I'm sorry, too, son. No, I'm really sorry. I mean, about your legacy

all. Oh, that ain't nothing.

Listen, son, after talking with Sandra, then I realized that I already got a

legacy. The best in the world. You.

Me? Yeah.

I got a son that loves me so much, he's even afraid of hurting my feelings by

telling me my art is junk.

Hey, man.

You can call Hoppy and tell him to come over and get that brass boiler for him.

You told me your father had been a fool.

You're not a fool.

You're my pop.

I love you, man. You're a groovy old dude.

Yeah, but from now on, I'll leave all the artwork to you.

You know what?

I just might do something artistic.

As a matter of fact, I might paint a portrait if you would pose for me.

You want me to pose for you? Would you?

Sure.

I'll pose for you. If we can pose right out here in front of my tower.

Sure. Well, help me get it back together. Here, give me a hand with

All

right,

Pop. All right, son.

Hey, man, that still turned out great, didn't it? We made enough money to pay

the bank off, and plus we made $300.

How about that? Hey, what's this?

Oh, it's just a little present I bought you to show you how much I love you.

For me?

Uh -huh. Go ahead, take the cover off of it.

Oh, wow, Pop. That's beautiful, man.

How can I thank you? Well, you can thank me by starting painting my portrait

right now.

All right. I tell you what, you go out in the yard and get ready, and I'll

the paint and the easel out there, and I'll paint you, all right? Okay.

I'll be ready in a minute. Now, come on out. All right. I'll be right out here

in front.