Original subtitles

out this one, friends. It's a 1974 hardtop with only 3 ,000 miles on it.

all I'm asking for this little beauty is $21 .99 .99, but I'll accept any

reasonable offer.

Why don't you call me right now?

Crazy Hal, the used car king.

I'll come in crazy.

As soon as I finish these wild hickory nuts.

Pick up that phone. I'll send you 500 blue chip stamps just for talking.

Thank you.

Crazy Hal?

Listen, I'm calling about that 1974 hardtop.

Yeah, I'd like to make you a reasonable offer.

$100.

No? Well, I'd like to make you an unreasonable offer.

$50.

Well, that's my last offer.

Send me my blue chip stamp.

500 of them.

My name, Fred G. Sanford. That's S -A -N -F -O -R -D, period.

G -E -E.

Exactly, yeah.

No, I didn't call you yesterday.

Well, you hang up, Pop.

And you got the address.

Look, I've asked you not to call Crazy Hal.

He loves giving away those stamps. That's what made him. Sure.

That's right. He wasn't nothing before he started giving away them stamps. And

now he's the most famous lunatic in California.

That's great, Pop. How about some dinner?

Oh, yeah.

We were going to have leftovers.

I don't care what we have as long as we have it. You don't mind serving it, do

you? No, I don't mind serving it. And I would if I could, but I can't. So I

won't.

What are you talking about?

Well, I didn't know you were coming home. So I ate my leftovers.

Then I ate your leftovers.

Now, I've been working hard all day on the truck, Pop. And when I be working

there on the truck, the least you could do is fix me dinner when I come home. I

have you stop cooking, too.

What do you mean, too?

Well, you don't do nothing else. Oh.

I do everything here. I load the truck. I make the pickups. I do the inventory.

What do you do?

Coordinate.

You coordinate. You sleep on the couch all day.

That's right. I'm an interior coordinator.

Get you a girl and take her out and have some fun.

I don't think I have the strength, Pop.

You got a girl?

Yeah. Well, I got the strength. What's her number?

You know, I don't understand you, man. I've been working hard all day.

I don't understand this.

Hey, who?

Hey, Lamar, man. How's it going?

All right. What's the time for? Buenas noches.

Buenas noches. Hey, that means good night, don't it? Right.

Good night. So long.

And I'll see you at the next revolution.

Hey, Pop, would you leave Julio alone? No, that's all right, man. Whenever he

says things like that, I just turn the other cheek.

Well, turn your cheek toward Puerto Rican Folly.

Hey, LeMond, I just came by to tell you, man, I can't make that movie tonight.

Oh, what's up?

Oh, I'm just too tired, man. You know, I drove over 200 miles making pickups

today. 200 miles?

You've been to Tijuana.

Now, where are they?

Who? In Whitbeck.

some other time, okay, man? Okay, it's been a hard day for me, too. Look, why

don't you grab a squat before you split? Great. Hey, you know something, man? It

seems like every day is a hard day on this job, man. I ask myself why I ever

into this job.

That's funny.

Just as I was doing, I asked myself, why did Julio get into the junk business?

Why is he living next door to us? Why is he smuggling wetbacks into America?

Come on, Mr. Sabra. You know what I'm talking about, man. Running a junkyard

a rough business, man.

Especially when it's a one -man operation like mine.

Hey, don't feel like the Lone Ranger, Julio.

Ours is a one -man operation, too.

I'll get it.

Long day, man. Long day.

Hey, come here, fellas.

Hey, why don't you guys have a seat?

No, we can't stay too long. We came back from some parts for our squad car.

Here? Well, what's wrong with the police garage?

Yes, sir. Well, under the circumstances, we thought it best not to advise them

of the circumstances surrounding these circumstances, if you know what I mean.

No, what does he mean? Somebody stole all our hubcaps.

Hey, did you get to see the guy with this?

See him? We didn't even hear him. We had the windows rolled up.

You mean to tell me that they ripped you off while you was in the car? That's

right.

Get you some hubcaps.

All right.

Mr. Sanford, what will be the cost of those hubcaps?

Let's see. It's $2 each, so that'll be... Hey, $2 each. Hey, that's too

man. I mean, I got hubcaps for $1 .50. You can have them set for $6.

Uh, $5 .50. I'll let you have them.

$5.

$4. $3.

$2 .75.

Hey, wait a minute, Pop. What are you doing? Just back out of the way. You're

the middle of a junk war.

$2 .50.

$2 .25.

$2.

Two dollars. That's right. Two dollars, man. Hell, I'll take them myself.

Do I look like I'm crazy?

That's my price to them, not you.

What do you mean to them? Ain't my money good enough? No, your money's good.

Hey, fellas,

what about your hubcaps, man?

Well, we decided to go to Goldstein's across the street.

We'll see. I'm glad you agree, Mr. Sanford. I mean, after all, you're both

friends of ours, and we wouldn't want to be accused of playing favorites, so

we're just going to cut off. Out. Oh, yeah, cut out. Right.

But if I might be allowed to make one suggestion, that suggestion might be

you guys look to Officer Smith and myself as an example to the future.

Come on, Hoppy. All right. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What kind of an example? I am referring to teamwork.

Teamwork? That's right, teamwork. Instead of hurting each other, you could

helping each other. Right, Smitty?

Yeah, yeah, right, right. Let me illustrate my point musically. You see,

wherever we go, whatever we do, you know that we do it together.

Wherever. Get in the car. Get in the car!

Now, what was he talking about? I know what he was talking about, and I don't

know why I didn't think of it sooner.

Think of what?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I'm right with you, man. Talk to me.

Think of what? If we had done this a long time ago, we'd probably have a lot

money now.

Think of what? We could share the work, man. We wouldn't have to put in 12 -hour

days anymore, huh? Think of what? And by not competing, we wouldn't lose sales

like we just did.

Think of what? We'd pool our resources, man. We could advertise on TV.

Think of what?

Merger!

Merger? With him? Yeah, what do you think of it, Pop?

Well, on one hand, The state of the economy rules out merger as opposed to

private enterprise.

Then on the other hand, that's the better merger. You see, all I have to do

merge these knuckles with those 32 teeth, and that's a merger.

Now, look, we're making the right move, man.

You're the guy that told me yourself that I should take a vacation, right?

Well, now I'll be able to do that, and so will you.

Me? Yes. When we're not here to watch the business, Julio will watch it.

Man, who's going to watch Julio?

Julio's completely trustworthy, man. A guy that owns a goat can't be all bad.

And besides, he's got a lot of good ideas. He said that if the business

out, we could even sell franchises.

You mean like them hamburger places?

Exactly.

Well, what are we going to call it? Junk in the Box?

Look.

There's other advantages to it, too, Pop.

In fact, you might become just as famous as your friend

Crazy Hal.

What? That's right. That's Julio's idea.

He said that if we combine our resources, we could even do television

commercials. Man, how does that sound to you? Look, I'm not giving my blue -chip

stamp to nobody.

And Fuentes?

No. Because you see, F comes before S. And besides, Fuentes is such a beautiful

name.

Fuentes. As opposed to Sanford.

Fuentes means fountain.

Sanford means without four.

Sanford means without teeth.

Okay, Sanford and Fuentes. That's it, man. One name each. Pitty, pity.

Beautiful. Hotel.

50 -50? Yeah.

Oh, that's a little wrong, see, because there's two of us and there's only one

of you. It could be one -thirds and two -thirds. Oh, wait a second. I got just

as much junk as you got. Yeah, I know. I know, see, but we have... See, there's

two of us. You get a whole profit to yourself. We have to split ours two

you dig?

Yeah, you're right, man. Okay, that's fair. One -third and two -thirds. Solid.

That gives us the controlling vote to form a power block.

And the first thing I'm gonna vote on is to power you out the block.

That's enough. Now, would you dig yourself up? Hey, wait a second, Lamar.

shouldn't talk to him like that, man.

If you don't mind, Julio, this is between me and my papa. Oh, yeah, I know

between you and your father, man, but he's also my partner, man. I don't think

anybody should be yelling at my partner like that, man. You tell him, Julio.

All right.

Hey, come on. Let's go outside and tear the fence down. Great, man. Tear the

fence down? No, wait a minute.

Not my fence. Not the one I built with your own two hands.

Sorry, Mr. Stafford, but one business, one job.

If you hear that, I'm coming, darling.

I lost my son and my business in the same day.

It's them Puerto Ricans.

Give them a toe, they take a foot.

Give them a foot, they take an ankle.

Give them an ankle, they take a leg.

I'm coming to jail.

Hey, Mr. Sanford.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, remember that radiator we sold yesterday?

Yeah, we got $20 for that, didn't we?

Yeah, 20 big ones, 2 -0.

Yeah, well, how come in the sales record here you got it marked 1 -0?

I always do that, and I expect you to do the same. Whenever I sell something for

2 -0, I put down 1 -0, so that means the tax man gets zero.

You know, partner?

Fred? Call me Mr. Sample. Okay, Mr. Sample. I was thinking, you remind me a

little of my father. You know that? Yeah, he had a good head for business,

I mean, he knew how to wheel and deal. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he really had it on the ball,

man. Just like you, Mr. Sample.

Call me Fred.

Oh, I'll get it.

Fred?

Julio Fuentes, big -time tycoon.

Sample and Fuentes?

Oh, yeah, yeah, Channel 14, right.

Oh, that's great. Yeah, that's right. I talked to you before, yeah.

Okay, we'll have it for you by next week.

Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Who was that, who?

Hey, man, that was the TV station, Channel 14, man. They said that it's

cost us $90 to put a commercial on the late movie.

Hey, beautiful.

Hey, we can handle that, can't we, Pop? Sure we can. Don't cost us but $45.

Hey, hey, hey, wait, wait, wait a minute, man. You got two -thirds

right? So that means two of you got to pay $60, I pay $30. That's two -thirds,

right? Oh, no, no, you got that wrong. See, that's when you're sharing the

profits. See?

The expenses are different.

Well, how do you figure that? It's just business mathematics.

It's the law of the triangle.

The law of the triangle?

Yeah, I'll explain that to you. See, you have one piece over here, and we have

two pieces.

See, we put our two pieces together, and it comes to a point.

So shove that point in your ear.

Hey, Pop, would you stop fooling around when we're trying to do business here?

He didn't mean nothing by it. And I told you, man, don't say nasty words to my

partner, man.

And I told you that he's my Pop first and your partner second. Hey, come on,

listen, man.

I don't have to know.

I know about the business.

Fellas, listen to me.

Let's settle this thing calmly, like gentlemen.

Son,

Put him in the mouth.

You know, this is silly, man. That's right. I don't even know what we're

about. I don't either, man. We shouldn't argue like this.

I'll tell you. I'll get back to the Sam's record, you know? Okay, okay. I'm

going to get Rollo on the phone.

Rollo? Yeah.

He's got a camera, and he volunteered to do the TV commercial for us. Over my

dead body.

I know what that seasonal DVD porno is going to do.

I know the kind of movie he's going to make. I'm going to have to undress.

No, you won't. I will. I have to pose in different positions.

You will not.

I'll have to wear a mask so my friends won't know me.

I can see it now.

Channel 10 presents Fred Sanford starring in Deep Junk.

Your son will be over here and you can shoot from there. Yeah, that would be

perfect. We get everything.

Hey, Pop.

I'd like you to meet Haywood Jones.

He teaches a film class over here in the community. Haywood, this is my Pop. How

do you do, sir?

Sir, I like a guy called me sir. Well, thank you very much. Good me, Haywood.

this the camera here? Ah, very good.

Yes, I want to be sure everything's all set. All set, huh?

Everything is all under control, huh?

We're all set.

All set, and any special instructions?

Yeah, well, when you start out, just get the camera tight in on my face. See,

I'm going to explain... Oh, no, no, no, wait, wait a minute. No, no, I'm going

to do the commercial, man. It was my idea, remember?

Yeah, see, I know it was your idea, but see, Julio, I'm the one who took the

acting lessons, and I didn't want to bring this up, but you got an accent.

What are you talking about? Who got an accent? I ain't got no accent.

Yes, you do, Julio. No, I don't, man. Everybody understands me, right? Right,

Mr. Sanford?

Huh?

That's it. Let's just skip the camera. Hey, no, wait a second. Man, let's talk

about this. I want to talk. No, no, no.

I want to go to the camera. Oh, fellas, fellas, fellas.

Why don't we just ask the senior partner?

What do you say, Mr. Sanford? I say, forget them two.

I'm doing a commercial.

You? Yeah.

Because, see, I got something them two don't have.

What? A beard. So what does that mean?

Well, people respect a middle -aged guy with a beard. Now, take Abraham Lincoln

and Moses and... And Wolfman Jack.

Wolfman Jack?

Maybe he's got something, Lamar. Maybe he's right. I don't know, Julio. I feel

that I should do it. I know, I know. Here, hold these cards here. And hold

steady so I can read them. Now, y 'all back up over here a little bit. No, back

up out the way. Oh, man.

You ready now, Mr. Sanford? Yeah, I'm ready. Roll them there. Stand by.

Roll them.

Plate. And action.

Hold it. Hold it. Cut it. What's the matter, Mr. Sanford? I've got my props.

Forget his props. Forget the props. While he's gone, get the camera in here.

Get the camera.

The approach will be over here. Okay. Get the jump. The approach over there.

There's it.

Okay. I'm ready now. You all set, Mr. Everett? Okay, very good. Stand by.

Roll up. Back out of the way. Oh, man.

Please back up out of the way. Action.

Hi. You're probably wondering what this junk is doing in the Y boys camp. Oh,

wait a minute. What are you doing?

I saw Steve Allen do this on TV, and he sold a lot of cars. Maybe you should

just tell it like it is. You know, I mean, straight and simple. Okay, okay.

Okay, 86 to trees.

Okay, stand by. Step on the shipper.

Rolling.

And action.

Hi, I'm Fred.

Fly me the junk. Right on, man.

Okay, roll him.

Action!

As I was saying, my name is Fred Sanford, and I'm president of Sanford

Puente. Su nombre es Fred Sanford, y es el presidente. Why the matter?

Cut! What's the matter?

We don't need no help from you. I'm not helping, man. I'm translating for our

Chicano viewers. Go on, Fred. You're doing great. Get out of the way. Okay,

him. Action. Go ahead. Folks, this is our junkyard here, a giant supermarket

junk. Esto es nuestro supermarket here, un gigante...

That's right.

We've got more junk than we know what to do with.

If we line all this stuff up in the end,

it would reach from here to Yugoslavia.

You've got to see it, folks. This is the place to make a better day.

So you're looking for a good deal? Cash or credit?

New customer or old?

No down payment is necessary. You don't even have to be a veteran.

If you've been in a gang fight, we'll take care of your property and your

insurance right here.

If you lose the bank,

we'll help you find your way.

Here, folks, is just one letter that we received from a satisfied customer.

Who wins?

We are satisfied with that.

Many people have commented they have rarely seen an exquisite jump such as

They've always been treated kind with respect. We are very pleased.

Because our son in general has no fear of the water or the temperature.

a commercial too. Now just go ahead and roll them Haywood and you tell them who

I am. Just keep it rolling.

Friends, I'd like you to meet somebody very close to me.

This is my dog.

You don't tell my son to shut up. You shut up. And you shut up and stay out of

it. You stay out of it, son. Don't tell me to stay out of it. All right, that's

it.

Hold it.

Hold it.

Hold it.

I mean, you guys are crazy. You with your dumb trees and your white bush cap.

You with that yo -yo tie.

And you with the junk car.

and not one customer yet. You seen anybody?

I ain't seen nobody. Nobody, man. But then that commercial wasn't exactly the

best one in the world, man. Especially when the director started trying to swim

in the pool.

Hey, you know, that's the first time we laughed together in a week, man. That's

right, man. You know it feels good? I know. Hey, what should we do with the

sign? Oh, man, I don't know. You keep it. I don't want it.

I don't know. What do you want to do with it? Let's burn it.

Jam it in, man. Right.

That's the first thing we agreed on since before the merger. Dig it. You

it's too bad that we had to dissolve a partnership to be friends again. I know

you... You know, I think that's right what they say, man, that friends should

not go into business together. That's true, man. I've heard that a lot of

before. Big Ed, my grandmother used to tell me that all the time when I was a

little kid. Well, I see you two talking again.

Oh, well.

And that's the way it's going to be from now on, right, Hugh? That's right, man.

Together. All right.

Oh, I think I'm going to get sick.

But you do make a lovely couple.

Tweedly -Dee and Tweedly -Dummy.

This is real. Why don't you gather up your stuff and adios?

Right. Hey, y 'all. I hope you sort out your stuff. You don't have to help him

sort out nothing. I know everything he is. That brown rug over here with the

stain on it.

And this decorator lamp.

And this chair with the back eye and this stuff coming out of it. And that

muffin pan.

And this washboard. Now that's all. Now get your stuff and take it back where

you got it from.

Your bedroom.

Telescope.

dinner. I'm starving.

Dinner? Oh, I'll get to it in a minute. Oh, great. Hey, you've got about a dozen

books here, man. It must have took you a long time to put all those stamps in

there. No, just about an hour or so. Oh, yeah? Well, what are we having for

dinner? Your favorite.

Tongue. Oh, out of sight.

Yeah. I'll get it for you as soon as I finish this last book. Okay.