Original subtitles

Worst damn weekend I've spent my whole hard -luck life.

Well, let's just not discuss it anymore. I should have known better than to take

somebody like you camping anyway.

Yeah, you should have.

That's right, you should have.

because I think the great outdoors should be locked up inside.

Yeah, Papa, she was the one that agreed to go.

Yeah, but I thought it'd be like one of them Disney movies with them cute little

animals. Not a bunch of flies and gnats and bats and bugs and slugs and snakes

and that big ugly thing that kept saying, breathe deep, Papa, smell that

Hey, it's Julio.

Two days in this... In the woods with insects, and here come a Spanish flea.

Hey, man, what's happening?

I'll be waiting two days for you guys to get home.

I got some exciting news to tell you, man.

You going to Puerto Rico forever?

No, man, I'm not going to Puerto Rico, but I might be moving.

Hey, man, I'm sorry to hear that, Julio. Oh, man, don't be sorry.

No, you're going too. In fact, everybody on the whole block is leaving.

Don't tell me that sewer main backed up again.

No, no, man. It's nothing like that. It's good news. Let me splain.

Splain.

This is why he goes splain.

Go ahead and splain, Julio. Right, man.

You see, the last couple of days, man, some Japanese people have been coming

around talking to every property owner on the block.

Japanese? Here? Right, man. They want to build a...

Hey, and everything I've ever heard about the Japanese people says that

loaded with money.

Right. I'm not interested.

Hey, what do you mean you're not interested?

I'm not interested.

We sell our housing, and where are we going to live? Tokyo?

And look, Pop, Japanese people have a lot of money, man, and if we could get,

say, $15 ,000 from them, we could move anywhere.

You like to move so much? Watch me move. I'm moving upstairs to bed.

Good night. Good night.

Okay, good night, Mr. Sanford. Have a good night's sleep. But just remember,

Japanese are going to be here first thing in the morning.

I know that.

How? They always attack at dawn.

Do you see any seaweed in the living room?

Hey, what you doing?

See, when the Japanese come, I'm inviting them for tea and fortune

And I'm putting in my own fortune.

Oh, that's genius, Pop. It is.

Now, listen to this one here.

You will meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger.

Give him what he wants.

Hey, wait a minute. It's not going to work, Pop.

It'll work. Here's the one I know will work. Look, the tea you just drank is

poison.

So for $50 ,000, you can have this house and an antidote.

Please, Mr.

Sanford, don't do anything like that. You're going to ruin it for all of us,

man. How can I ruin it for all of us? Because the Japanese put a stipulation

the contract that says that every property owner has to sell or the deal

That's right, man. If we don't sell, nobody gets any money.

I don't like it.

Well, it's not too late, man. They're paying a whole lot of money.

And I'll tell you, for the $12 ,000 I'm going to get, I'm going to do a lot of

traveling.

Wait a minute.

$12 ,000?

Right, but we're not supposed to talk about it. You hear that, Lamont?

If he can get $12 ,000 for that death trap he's living over there, the other

thing is to charge my house.

That's not a nice thing to say about my house, man. Yeah, me neither, Barbara.

Listen, why don't you go on and leave before the Japanese might make a mistake

and catch you here?

Okay, Mrs. Ambrose, I'll tell you one thing. Now, as soon as you sign, we're

going to get our money. So, you know, we're in the same boat.

This is the captain speaking.

Get your poop off my deck.

Hey,

you know, I think you're right, Pop. If they give Julio $12 ,000 for his place,

man, we can get about $14 ,000 or $15 ,000 for ours.

Hey, it's almost 12 o 'clock and they're not here yet. Julio said they was going

to be here this morning, man. This is not nowhere they'd be here. It's just an

old trick. as Japanese play. See? They say one thing and do another.

See, that's what I tell you.

I can tell you exactly what that guy's gonna look like. You can, huh? Yeah,

he'll be short with big thick dashes on and be smiling with a big old funny

-looking mustache.

You just watch and see. He'll have on a pretty dress and some high -heeled

shoes.

Yeah,

both of them.

All right, I'm Lamar Sanford.

How do you do? I'm Helen Funai, and I represent the Funai Real Estate Company.

Oh, well, I'm Fred Sanford, and I'm president of Sanford's Junkyard.

Won't you please come in? Thank you. Yes, come right in. Sit down over here.

Relax.

Do you care for a snack or anything like that?

I think I got some rice in the cupboard.

No, thank you.

If you don't mind, I'd like to get right down to business.

I'm sure you're aware by now that my company has been buying a property on

block. Oh, really?

Yes, and since you are the last party to come to terms, you can understand our

desire to quickly conclude negotiations.

Yes, we understand.

Yes, does he mean everybody else has signed up but us with the last one left?

That is correct.

Naturally, we have carefully appraised your property. However, we also realize

that there is a certain amount of sentimental value involved.

It's sentimental baggage.

Yes, so I think you'll agree that we have been quite fair in our offer.

$20 ,000.

We feel that's reasonable, don't you?

Ah, yes, that's very reasonable.

Perhaps, perhaps we should sign, Father. I think I have a pen in the drawer.

Yes,

I seem to have found one.

Ah, here you go, Doe.

Deed, uh, dad, uh, you see, the dad's in my deed's name. Uh, the deed's in my

dad's name.

Just sign it there.

Something wrong, Mr. Sanders.

You know, just selling this place just breaks my heart.

And, you know, sentimental value and all.

Sentimental value? Since when did you ever have any...

Let me explain to you. See, $20 ,000 is all right, but it just don't seem enough

to part with... with all this.

All right, Mr. Stanford.

I'll come back a little later this afternoon.

Sayonara. Yeah, and Frank Sinatra to you.

Yeah, but I'm fixing to say hello to a whole lot more.

More? Yeah.

You see, didn't you hear I said that we was the last one to sign up? Now, if

they want all this land, they gotta wait till we sell.

Hey, look, Pop, I'm warning you, man. Japanese people are very shrewd

businessmen.

Me too, but son, listen.

We got them by the teriyaki.

Pop, what about our neighbors, man? All our neighbors... neighbors are depending

on us to close the deal.

Let them get their own dairy out of here.

This is the opportunity of a lifetime, man, and you're throwing it out the

window because you're being greedy.

Son, haven't you learned anything at all being my son?

Who do you think I'm doing this for?

Yourself.

Yeah, you've learned something.

Hey, man, it's almost 5 o 'clock, and she hasn't come back yet.

Well, she'll be here. I ain't worried. You're not worried, huh? That's right.

I've been looking in real estate taxes. Come over here a minute.

Look at this.

A two -bedroom apartment.

Decorated furnished.

Swimming pool, tennis court.

Pop, those apartments are for singles only.

Well, who do you think we are, Ozzie and Harriet?

That's what I did.

Not only 30, we can get 35 ,000.

Uh, hello, Miss Funai. Uh, please come in. Hello, thank you. I'll be brief.

Oh, Mr. Sanford.

My associates and I have decided that in consideration of your deep feelings

towards your home, we will increase our offer to 22 ,500.

22 ,500.

What's the nickel for?

It's 22 ,500. $500, Pop.

Oh, that's all right, man. I'm not interested. Could you come back tomorrow

afternoon? Are you crazy?

Well, I don't know, Mr. Sanford. We are working on a timetable now.

Excuse me. May I make a business call? Oh, yeah. Just take the phone into the

kitchen. Thank you.

I hope she ain't calling Japan.

If she is... I'll just tack it on to the price of the house. Hey, Pop, wait a

minute, man. Do you realize what she's offering us, man?

$22 ,500. Do you know what we can get with that?

Yeah, $25 ,000. And if we can get $25 ,000, we can get $30 ,000. Why not $35

,000?

Listen, son, now let's be realistic.

Now, you know this yourself.

This house is not worth $35 ,000.

Unless we throw in the carpets and the drapers.

Chancellor, I am not authorized to make you any further offers.

However, my father, the president of our company, would consider it an honor if

you both would have dinner with us this evening.

Would he consider it an honor picking up the check?

My father's only kidding.

We'd love to stop with you this evening. What time should we be there?

How about eight? Eight is perfect.

And here is the address to our house. Okay, thank you very much. Bye -bye.

bye -bye.

Wait a minute. What did you do that for?

I ain't going to no strange people's house to sit around with a bunch of

foreigners. Ain't nothing you can say to make me change my mind. A team of wild

horses is going to get me to change my mind. Okay.

You'll blow the 22 -5.

Uh, saddle up the truck.

me with Beverly Hills.

And the hills are alive.

Gentlemen, this is my cousin, Saburo. He and my great -grandfather are visiting

us from the mother country.

Must be the lullaby.

Let's get out of here.

Relax? How can I relax? Last time I saw something this big, Toys was having

trouble trying to kill it.

What did he say?

Saburo said, it is a great honor to have such distinguished guests in our home.

Hey, did you hear that, Pop? We're distinguished guests.

What was that?

Saburo suggests that in keeping with our customs, will you please remove your

jackets and shoes?

think that Zaburro might be.

This is a really nice house you have here, Mr. Koonite. So much history and

everything. Hey, this is a samurai sword, isn't it? I bet there's a lot of

history behind that.

My great -great -uncle used that sword to kill himself.

Commit harakiri over a hundred years ago.

Amazing. What's so amazing about killing yourself?

My uncle Alfonso in St. Louis killed himself.

You don't see me hanging wine bottles all around the wall, do you?

Ladies and gentlemen. Ah, gentlemen, gentlemen.

It's an honor to meet you. And this is my noble grandfather.

Hello, noble.

He is the founder of our company.

What's he looking for now?

Get up now, Pop.

Shall we sit down?

Yeah, let's sit down. Where the chair is at?

and seaweed.

And this is abalone dipped in soy sauce.

And this is sashimi.

Raw fish.

It's got no grits and gravy.

Hey, Pop, why don't you try some of the sashimi?

No, you go ahead and try that. I'll just eat a few of these grapes.

Mmm.

It's all right.

A little slippery.

Mr. Sanford, very good. You like the fish eyes.

Mr.

Sanford, I hope we did not offend you by serving our traditional food. Oh, no,

no offense.

Would you care for some sake?

Hey, Pop, you're gonna like this, man. This is sake. See, that's rice wine.

Yeah, now you're getting out of my alley with that wine.

like to propose a toast to a successful and mutually beneficial business

agreement.

You'll get used to it, Mr. Sanford.

And now to business.

I have discussed your situation with my honorable grandfather, and he was quite

impressed with your sentimental attachment to your home.

He is?

Yes. we have decided in just compensation for your emotional loss,

top price of $27 ,000.

$27 ,000.

Yeah, that's top price, but $30 ,000 would be tip -top. I'll tip -top you.

You're going to sign that paper this time, Pop, and that's all there is to

I'll sign it.

to happen when I bow.

Oh, you have a bad back, Mr. Sanford? Oh, yeah, and it goes all the way down

my hand, and I can't move it. Ah, just a moment. I have just the solution.

Ancient technique frequently used in Japan.

We'll have you signing the paper in no time.

What you have to run out like that for? What do you expect me to do when that

big guy comes to me with two needles?

I can think of but two things.

Run and fast.

Well, you can just rest assured that that's the last time we're going to see

those people.

Oh, you'll see them again.

See, they need this property.

And I bet you we can still get $30 ,000 out of this place.

Don't you understand, Pop? We're not getting nothing, man. Running out on

people like that was the supreme insult.

Well, I'll tell you what. Just to show you I ain't got no hard feelings, I'll

call them up and tell them I'll take their last offer.

Well, maybe calling would help.

Yeah. See, calling is the next best thing to be in there.

See, Dan, what'd I take?

$35 ,000, not $30 ,000.

Miss Funai, how are you? I would like to apologize for my father's behavior. Oh,

that's all right. We understand.

Yes. Won't you please come to our humble home and partake of some sofa?

grandfather has much he wants to say to you.

Exactly how much? What do

you think?

He said never in his lifetime has he met a man as great as you.

Tell him I agree with every word.

What was that?

He wants you to know that he thinks you are a dedicated home -loving man, and he

respects your great love for your home.

He wouldn't dare ask you to leave it.

No, no, ask me.

Ask me. I mean, tell him.

Ask me to go. That's the $30 ,000 question.

Gentlemen, he has made his decision.

Rather than uproot you from your ancestral lodgings, he has decided to

brewery somewhere else.

Uproot me, man.

Uproot.

Hey, look here. All my people are buried in St. Louis. Get to uprooting.

Hey, wait a minute.

What do I offer you?

Mr. Sanford, as a gesture of respect and friendship, my great -grandfather

offers you this seashell.

Seashell? What is this?

Oh, I know it's $30 ,000 in here somewhere, isn't it?

This is the fortune seashell cookie. Goodbye, gentlemen.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Uproot me. I'll take less money.

I'll take $20, $15, and I'll throw in Lamarck. He'll be your gardener.

Give me something.

What

am I

going to do with this?

It's a seashell pop hold it up to your right ear and push it through to your

left

a handkerchief up to the phone? I didn't want to get any germs on my face.

Well, have any of the neighbors called to complain about you blowing the deal?

No, not one.

Well, that's surprising. I would have thought that they would have been over

here jumping down your throat by now.

Yeah, I would have thought that, too. Yeah, well, I'm going upstairs to wash

and then I'm going to split over to Madeline's.

Oh, that's good, John.

Hello, hello?

Is this Honorable Julio?

Julio. Yes, this is Honorable Representative of Real Estate, Mr.

Pony. Pony? Yes.

Yes, calling Honorable to tell you we are not going to buy any

property in your block for the brewery. And it's not fledgling.

No, it's not flat, it's flow.