All language subtitles for Sanford & Son s04e10 My Kingdom for a Horse

Good afternoon, Fred. Good afternoon.

Go away, Esther. I'm trying to sleep.

Fred, it's Calvin.

How's your throat?

Still a little hoarse. Oh, yeah?

So is he.

This is General Lee. I bought all this
stuff from Daniel Perkins, who retired.

And I am here to make you a beautiful
business proposition.

What's the proposition?

Come on, I'll show it to you.

All right.

Now, I have got a wagon load of junk
here.

You're... in the junk business.

I've got junk, so let's make a deal.

Okay, if the price is right.

I'm asking $200.

I'm answering $50.

All right, for you, I'll go down a
little lower, $100.

Well, for you, I'll come up a little
higher.

$50.

That's as high as I'm going to get.

All right, I'll take it.

$50. But that's only for the junk.

Not General Lee here.

Now, for $100, you couldn't buy this
horse.

But I want the horse anyway. I don't
need no horse.

Let me ask you a question.

What? Why not the horse?

Why aren't I selling the horse, Fred?

Would you sell them on... How much?

I can't sell this horse. This is a
living, breathing thing. It's got a

It's got a lung.

It's got a liver. It's got a strong
back.

I'll tell you what.

I'll throw in $10 extra for this living,
breathing, stinking horse.

Are you kidding?

$10 for a thoroughbred? Or a pet?

Thorough pet?

I heard that. You said thoroughbred.
That's what you said. He's a

Well, uh, so what if I did?

How did Perkins get a thoroughbred?

He stole him.

Stole him?

That makes you a horse thief. No, it
don't. He stole him. I bought him.

Well, it makes you a horse thief once
removed.

And once removed, a horse thief gets
from 10 to 20.

horse like this anyway. I mean, what are
you going to do with a thoroughbred

racing horse if you can't race anymore?

Yeah, that's right.

I'll give you $20.

$20? Yeah.

For the senior citizen secretariat?

I mean, $20 for the horse, $50 for the
wagon, take it or leave it, or lump it.

Well... Going once?

Well... Going twice?

Well... That's your last trip to the
well, Captain.

Well, I'll take it.

Well, I'll go get it.

What did I tell you, General Lee?

You can fool some of the people some of
the time, but Fred Sanford always

fools Russian.

Well, what's me never going?

I'm going to...

make a lot of dough.

He's so dumb and so smart at the same
time.

Well, goodbye, General Lee.

Here you go.

Seventy bucks. Thank you.

Take good care of yourself, General Lee.

Red.

Please, take care of him.

Here's his papers.

Right. And his hat.

Good. You got a real... You got a real
bargain there, Fred.

Calvin! Goodbye, Grady.

You know, in all the years that I've
known him, that's the first time we ever

had a real conversation.

Whose horse is this, Fred?

He's mine, Grady.

You look at a million dollars worth of
horses.

Oh, yeah?

Where is it? Behind this one?

No, Grady.

This one.

Oh, this horse don't look like he's
worth anything to me, Fred.

That's because you don't know nothing
about horses.

See, this ain't just a junk wagon horse.
This is a race horse.

This is a race horse?

That's right.

Well, I tell you what, Fred, you bring
over the turtle he's raising, I'll bet

on a turtle.

See, he ain't raising anymore.

Well, you can say that again.

He ain't raising anymore.

Say, Fred, will you please tell me why
you bought that horse?

Same reason a millionaire bought
Secretariat when he finished raising.

And why was that?

To make him a proud father.

I don't care.

He will.

Come on, come on, dear Brady, and let me
clear it up for you. Yeah, yeah, clear

it up for me, Fred. See, a stud
racehorse, that's a horse that when it

finished racing, they take him out to
the farm, and then they put some mares

around. And then one night, when the
moon is mellow, and they're full of

and he's like the birds and the bees.

Once they made his mayor the secretary,
they got to pay $100 ,000.

Good googly -goo. See, if my horse can
just get $2 ,000 or $3 ,000, I'd be

Oh, wow. How often do you think he can
do that?

I figure every Saturday night.

Or early Sunday morning.

He know the weekend's coming.

Say, Reggie, you tell the man about
this?

No, I'm going to surprise him.

Oh, how are you going to surprise him?
He's going to see the horse as soon as

drives up on the truck.

Yeah, maybe. I better hide him.

Well, it ain't easy to hide a horse,
Fred.

Nothing's easy for you, Grady. See, it's
when you got a nimble brain like mine

that difficult problems become easy.

Oh, where are you going to hide them,
Fred?

In the kitchen.

You know, that's why you're a genius.

I never would have thought of that.

I'd have hid them in the bathroom.

Goodbye, Grady.

Yeah, see you later, Fred.

You're going to be hiding in the
bathroom. You're not going to be in the

kitchen.

Easy now, come on in.

You won't know what to say when he sees
you.

Just come on with me. Take your time
now. Don't knock nothing over.

Come on with me.

Easy now.

You stay right in here.

Right there, that smell.

Okay? Now, wait a minute. I got
something for you.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I better
not give you this. Sugar is fattening,

and I want you nice and slim and trim
for your first date.

Come on.

Why are you doing home this early?

Wait a minute. Don't move.

Hey, Pop, what's that wagon load of junk
doing in the yard?

Well, you see, Dan Perkins retired, and
he sold it to Calvin, and I bought it

from Calvin. How much?

Seventy bucks.

Seventy dollars? Are you crazy, Pop?
That isn't even worth twenty dollars.

besides, I gotta get the truck fixed,
and we only had about eighty dollars in

the house. How could you spend seventy
dollars on that junk?

Sit down, son. I got a little surprise
for you. I don't want no surprises, Pop.

I'm starving. I've been working all day.
I want food.

Pop what's that horse doing in the
kitchen?

That makes it harder.

That's Perkins' old horse, isn't it?

Son, let me tell you. That is not a
horse.

That's your inheritance.

I can breed him and get a thousand
dollars to breed.

Well, we're going to need a bigger
kitchen.

What I mean is... I know what you mean,
Papa, and I think it's ridiculous. I

mean, how do we even know that that
horse is a thoroughbred? I got the

But where are we going to find mares to
breed with him, Pop? We going to take

him on a dating game?

Stop trying to fight being a
millionaire.

Look, if that horse is such a valuable
thoroughbred, how come he's pulling a

junk wagon instead of laying around on
some farm between dates?

Well, it's a possibility he could have
been stolen.

You mean to tell me that horse is hot?

Hot? I hope he's a nymphomaniac.

as fruit.

Beautiful.

Morning, son.

Did you sleep good?

No, I was not too good, Papa. I was cold
all night.

Seems like somebody stole my blanket.

My blanket? That's my blanket.

Son, I would have used mine, but you
know, the cold is bad for my arthritis.

I wouldn't like it on a horse.

Well, you can get it back tonight.

But what about the smell?

You just seem to mind it.

I don't believe this, man. I just don't
believe this.

Why don't you believe me? What's wrong
with me wanting my horse attractive?

Well, why does he have to look
attractive, Pop? We can always dim the

the stall.

Come on. You don't need to hear. He's a
shark.

So when Mr. Crenshaw gets here, he'll be
okay.

Crenshaw? Who is that?

Who is that?

Yeah. He's the biggest horse breeder in
the Southwest.

So? So I'm going to tell him General Lee
here.

Are you nuts?

No, really.

I'm going to tell him General Lee, and
then I'll get me a whole lot of money

at once.

You think this guy Crenshaw is going to
be so dumb that he's not going to know

this horse is stolen?

You think I don't know nothing, though.
You think I ain't got any no sense.

You think I ain't got no brains.

Keep going. You're still on the yeses.

Listen, let me tell you. See, Calvin
called up a friend of his who's an

attorney. And he said that I can't be
arrested anymore for a horse deed

it's past the statute of elimination.

The what?

Elimination. Past the statute of
elimination, Johnny.

That's the statute of limitation.

That too.

You got it? Yes. Well, come on in the
house, Grady. All right.

Wow, what a coincidence. That looks just
like Lamar's blanket.

Hi, Lamar. What's the matter? Can't you
speak to an old friend?

Yeah, I was just about... I mean,
somebody that's known you since you were

baby comes over to your house and you
can't even say hello?

Yeah, I was just... Somebody took care
of you when your father was away. Stands

before you and you can't even say hello.
I was just about... Lamar, I don't

deserve to be insulted like that.

Hi, Grady.

Oh, hi, Lamar.

Say, Grady, did you look General Lee up?

No, I didn't have time, Fred. I rushed
right over from the library.

Say, what's that book about?

It's a book about third -grade horses
and all their records and everything.

Look here.

That's General Lee, born 1959.

That's 9 times 7 goes into 38,
multiplied.

You know, he's 15 years old. Wow.

That would make him about 65 if he was a
person, Pop.

Yeah, he's pretty far gone, Fred.

What are you talking about, Grady?

I'm around 65, and I'm just in the prime
of my life.

When was the last time you were a
father?

That's none of your business.

And it's none of my business.

But it's going to be General Lee's
business.

He was some kind of a horse. Look at
here.

General Lee by Confederate lad out of
Carolina Bell.

You hear that, Lamont? Yes, sir, what?
He won $200 ,000 as a three -year -old.

And you, 32, ain't never seen $200 ,000.

He pulled up lame.

in a steak race for four -year -olds and
was retired.

Gee.

What?

Gee.

I heard the gee. Gee what?

Gee nothing. That's what it has here in
the description.

Does it say what it means?

No, I guess it means girl.

Let me see.

Girl. Yeah.

Why would they name a horse a girl horse
generally?

I don't know. Maybe he was into wax.

G means gelded.

What does that mean?

It means you were right.

That horse was in the wax?

No, Grady, it means that he's...

What

do you mean, Fred?

It means we're finished. So is he.

I don't...

Grady, the horse has been fixed.

Fixed? Yeah. See, he's fixed. He can't
have no babies.

Why not?

Because he had a horse that wrecked me.

Win, place, and show, and tan up
tickets.

Now, neither one of those got anything
to do with neither one of these. Well,

least we know that the horse is not
stolen. Perkins probably picked that

up for a song. If I a soprano.

How did you let Calvin con you into
buying a lemon like that, Pop? I mean,

could you do that?

Nobody cons Fred Sattler. I insisted on
buying it.

Yeah, well, you better insist on
something, because that guy Crenshaw is

over here, and he's going to take one
look at that horse, and he's going to

the whole story behind him.

I'll change the name.

Yeah, a lot of good that's going to do.
He'll look at that horse, and he'll know

it's Ben Gilded.

Well, we got to think.

I got an idea.

Shut up, Grady.

Yeah, that's good, too.

157 years old. I won't believe this.

How does he look?

Like Al Capone.

Oh.

Perhaps the hat is a bit much.

Yeah, yeah, the hat. The hat should go
because the pants look normal.

I know this is stupid, and I've done it
again and again, and I'm just

dumb. I guess it's stupid, but I didn't
do it for me. Oh, I know, Pop.

I did it for you. Oh, sure, I know.

I wanted you to have the things I never
had.

Well, I'm just happy to have the things
that he doesn't have.

Uh -huh. Is that guy Crenshaw?

Yeah. Uh, listen, what you gonna tell
him?

What, am I gonna tell him? Yeah. I'm
gonna say, hi, I'm Lamont. This is my

father. Wait till you hear this.

Stay out of it. Just leave him. I'll
take care of myself.

Mr. Sanford?

Yes.

John Crenshaw.

It's a pleasure.

Mr. Crenshaw, this is my son Lamont. How
do you do?

The pants.

Yeah, the pants. They're nice, aren't
they? What are you getting them for? No,

mean the horses' pants.

Oh, that's my idea.

I thought since he's such a great
racehorse, I would just keep his legs

Steady, fellas. Steady, fellas.

Obviously, past his racing days, Mr.
Sanford.

Mr. Crenshaw, we're not discussing
racing.

We're discussing chasing.

What did you have in mind?

Well, I was going to sell him to a
breeder.

I see.

And you have the papers to prove that
he's thoroughbred? Sure. And as soon as

finish making our deal, I'll go in the
house and try to find him.

Uh -huh.

What's his name?

Uh, General Lee.

General Lee?

Yeah. Born 1959.

1959, yes.

Yeah.

Was a Confederate lad out of Carolina
Bell.

And that's not all he's out of.

Goodbye, inheritance.

You're trying to sell me a gelding for
breeding purposes, Mr. Sanford?

Gelding? A gelding?

I didn't know this was a gelding. I
thought it was a racehorse.

Come on, Pop. The race is over.

Mr. Sanford, just how much did you think
you could get for this horse?

Oh, $100 ,000, $50 ,000.

I'd even sell for $30 ,000.

Would you take $25 ,000?

$25 ,000?

No, $25.

$25? That's right.

You see, Mr. Sanford, we horsemen are
sentimentalists.

General Lee was a marvelous horse in his
day.

And I would rather spend $25 to keep
them in a pasture than to see them

a junk wagon.

Well, I'm a sentimentalist, too, and I
wouldn't part with him for less than

Oh, in that case... Oh, wait a minute.

I'll buy $30, and I'll throw in the
pants.

That's a deal.

Good night, General Lee.

You're going home.

Well, at least you got something out of
it.

Yeah, I didn't do too bad. There's one
thing I can't understand, Pop. Why would

they gild a horse in the first place?

Well, maybe it'll make him run faster.

Well, how could that be?

Well, I know if they was going to do
that to me, I'd have run out of it.

How was dinner?

Hey, man, your voice is getting better.
Yeah, I mixed some lemon and honey.

Oh, great.

Yeah, and I mixed in some hot buttermilk
and butter. Right.

And added some orange juice for vitamin
C and a little onion salt to get it all

working.

How could you drink that?

I didn't drink it. I rubbed it on my
throat.

Yeah, how was dinner? Which one?

Oh, was this dinner?

I thought this was a test for tongue
tolerance.

Don't be smart.

What was wrong with it? Well, everything
was overcooked, the roast was leathery,

and that's the first time I ever ate
half black potatoes.

I'm sorry, son. I just can't get poor
General Lee off my mind.

Why, Pop? What happened?

Well, I got a call from Mr. Crenshaw.
What did he want?

Well, he said that General Lee is doing
fine.

What's wrong with that? That's good.

Yeah, and he loves it in a new passion,
and he seems to be very happy. He's

living with another horse.

Wait a minute. General Lee is living
with another horse?

Yeah, General Grant.