Original subtitles

Hey, Papa, I'm home.

Is lunch ready? I'm starving.

Good morning, son.

Good morning? Do you know what time it is? Where?

What do you mean, where?

Well, I was watching 5 -0 last night, and I'm on Honolulu time.

You know, just a little TV lag.

You've got work lag. I've been up since 7 o 'clock, Pop.

Well, we all look at it. It's 7 o 'clock here, but it's 6 o 'clock in Hawaii.

So I've just got about an hour ahead of you.

Another way I see it, it's 6 o 'clock in the morning in Hawaii.

I'm going back to bed.

Wait a minute. We've got a truck out there that has to be unloaded.

Okay.

I'm going to get me some breakfast. It's too late for breakfast.

Not in Honolulu.

I got a written letter for you. Oh, for me?

Yep. I read.

Aloha. Goodbye.

What you got there, son?

It's a letter from St. Louis.

From St. Louis? Well, tie it up. I ain't got no money to loan nobody.

No, Pop. Nobody's asking for any money. Did it come postage, dude?

No. Is it written in crayon?

No.

Did it come here on a jail station there?

No. Well, that takes care of your mother's side of the family.

Wait, who wrote it? Well, it's a letter from a lawyer that says he represents

your late cousin.

Late for what?

Pop, your cousin George Sanford died.

They think he was late then. He's really going to be late now.

Look at this.

Last will and testament.

I, George Sanford, being of sound mind... Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Something's got to be wrong there.

Sound mind?

That can't be our cousin, George.

Let me finish.

Being of sound mind and body, since I did not have any children of my own...

body wasn't too sound either, was it?

Go ahead.

I hereby bequeath to Lamont Sanford the sum of $7 ,000.

$7 ,000?

Well, Cousin Joe... Joe...

$7 ,000 subject to the following conditions.

That he marry and have a child, and that the third child be named George

Stanford II.

See, it is my hope through my cousin Lamont that my name will be perpetrated

at least one more generation.

Isn't that something, Pop? Do you believe this, man?

Pop?

Pop?

Pop?

Me. A grandfather.

George Sanford II.

Has a nice ring to it.

Sort of like a cash register.

Well, just don't go spending that money too soon, Pop, because we've got to

think about this.

You're right, son.

Let's think about it.

That's long enough. Now, look.

Your dear departed cousin, George, has left you 7 ,000 big ones. And all you've

got to do, Just have a baby.

Look, Pop, I know $7 ,000 is a lot of money, man, but the thing is... It's not

just the money.

See, it's things.

It's, it's, it's, it's the color TV.

It's the Playboy key.

It's, it's, it's a new truck.

And it's 3 ,500 trips to the $2 window.

Not yet, it isn't. Just listen to this. If the baby's not born within 12 months,

the money will be distributed to charities benefiting black people in

That money is not going to benefit any black people in America.

That money is going to benefit us.

Well, even if I do decide to do it, Pop, that doesn't give me much time, you

know. You got nine months. Sometimes you don't need that.

You need at least nine months unless you're a rabbit.

No, you don't. What about that girl?

That Peterson girl that married that guy from Chicago.

They wasn't married but four months.

And then, wham, boom -a -loom, bam!

Baby.

Listen, son, do it.

I always wanted me a grandbaby.

And I want you to have one, Pop. It's just that I don't want to go rushing

something that I'm going to be sorry for later.

You won't be sorry. It's nothing like having somebody home where you can come

home to them and sit down with them. them and eat with them and sleep with

and sit around the table counting money with them.

I'm not getting married, man. I'm not ready to give up my freedom. Well, are

ready to give up some of your teeth?

I'm not getting married. I'm not getting married. You've got to get married. I

don't have to get married. Look, Pop, there's so many things that I want to

man. I want to have adventure and travel.

I want to have girlfriends.

There's plenty of time for girlfriends after you get married.

Something's burning in the oven.

Hey, that's it, Pop. I've decided, man. I'm not getting married.

But what about the $7 ,000?

The money doesn't count, man.

When I get married, it's going to be for love, not money.

Well, what about a compromise?

Love of money.

You know what you're asking me to do? You're asking me to sell myself for $7

,000. No, I ain't. You have to sell yourself. Just rent it out for a little

while.

Look, Pop, it's not that I'm against marriage. It's just that I want to wait

the right girl to come along.

When is that going to happen?

I don't know. I'd go out with a lot of girls, but the girls that you go out

aren't necessarily the ones you want to marry.

Look, you married Mom because...

She was your perfect girl. I mean, she was warm and wonderful and wise.

And working.

Don't worry, Pop. I'll find her sooner or later.

Better sooner than later. You know, you only got nine months.

You ain't Bugs Bunny.

You know, sir, I still don't think that Lamar is going to appreciate you finding

him a wife through a computer.

But he'll sure appreciate that $10 ,000.

Hmm. Hey, Grady, looky there.

How to increase your sexual awareness with Yogi.

When did he quit baseball?

No, Grady, see, this magazine is about Cicely Tyson, and that's the kind of

Lamont likes.

You really think so? Absolutely.

You know, Fred, I saw her on... on TV, and she was 105 years old.

Oh, you dumb. That was the role she was playing. She must be 30 -ish.

30 -ish.

Boy, she sure let herself go.

Sorry to keep you gentlemen waiting, but if you just step over here...

the Romeo that's looking for his Juliet?

No, I'm not a Romeo. I'm Fredio.

See, my son Lamont, he's the Romeo, and he sent us over here because he's busy

doing brain surgery.

What age is your son?

He's, uh, excuse me a minute.

What age should I give him?

Oh, he's 32, ain't he? 32. Here.

But what if Cicely Tyson likes an older man?

Oh, let's say he's 42.

He's 42.

Wait a minute. What if she's that kind of chick that likes a younger man?

Oh, let's say he's 22.

He's 22.

22.

Or 32.

Or 42.

22 or 42.

Yeah, see, his mother lost his birth certificate.

And I remember it had a 2 on it.

Why don't we just use the median?

That'll make him 32.

Now, the next question concerns his occupation.

You did say he's a doctor. Part -time.

Part -time?

Yeah, part -time. Doctor and lawyer.

My goodness, doctor and a lawyer.

Yeah, he's an alpha -beta market.

activities. Oh, they healed up.

Does he enjoy sports?

Sports? Yes. Oh, yes, he loves tennis.

Indoor, outdoor, and polo. You know, on the land, on the water.

However, his horse feel like swimming.

If your son had a choice, would he go to a hockey game, a dance, or a movie?

Oh, a movie.

What type movie?

Uh, simply type, type movie. Does Lamont feel there's too much sex in movies of

today? Well, excuse me.

Is there any sex in Sounders? No, no, no, just a dog.

Uh, no, Lamont, uh, thinks there's too much sex in movies and not enough dogs.

Put that down. Less sex and more dogs.

What's his reason for finding a mate?

Friendship or matrimony?

Matrimony. Followed by baby money.

Followed by real money.

Is he marriageable in the near future?

The nearer, the better.

How near?

Well, he's got a few things to take care of, like tuxedos and a hall and a

minister. And we got to get Leo's Barbecue to cater the reception.

How about 6 o 'clock tonight?

Here comes the bride.

Oh, here comes the bride.

I still think you should have told Lamont about inviting that datamate lady

to dinner.

I would like to.

Hey, hey, what's the occasion?

Oh, didn't I tell you we have a surprise guest coming to dinner tonight?

Oh, goodness, I forgot the wine.

Oh, Grady, how you forget everything?

You forgot the wine? What's wrong with your mind?

Ask Lamont, though. He's the brain surgeon.

On the what? Nothing, son, nothing. Come on, Grady, let's go get the wine.

Hey, Pop, why don't you tell me who's coming here tonight? I told you I was

surprised. If I tell you, there won't be no surprise.

All right, all right. Now, go ahead and clean up and wash up nice. You know what

I mean?

Put some stuff on your arm.

Hello? Hello, is that you, Lamont?

This is Miss Williams.

Who?

Miss Williams of Datamate. We just spoke this afternoon.

We did?

I made a dinner date for you tonight with Nora Simpson.

Say, are you sure you're Lamont?

Uh, wait a minute, lady. I think you have... Did you say older?

Yes, and more gravely.

Uh, well, that's because this afternoon I had a cold, but I'm fine now.

Now, what was it you were saying about dinner?

Well, Nora won't be able to make it until nine.

Will that be okay?

Oh, yeah. Nine o 'clock would be perfect.

Good. She's just dying to meet you.

You two have so much in common, especially the margarine body.

She'll be there around 9 o 'clock. Yeah, right.

Bye. Bye -bye.

So he wants a surprise dinner, huh?

I'll give him a surprise.

Hello, Janet.

This is Lamont. Lamont Sanford. Hi, Lamont. How are you? Fine. How are you

doing? Are you busy tonight around a quarter past eight? No. What's up?

Because I need a little favor, and I was wondering if you could help me out.

See, do you remember that improvisational acting class that we

where you played the drunk?

Sure. Yeah, well, I was wondering if you could give a little repeat performance

tonight over at my house for a little party that my father's throwing. See,

kind of like a surprise party.

And I was wondering if you could wear the dress that you wore that night.

Uh -huh. And get here at about 8 .15, and everything will be perfect, okay?

when my father answers the door, tell him that your name is Nora Simpson, and

you're my computer date. You got that? Nora Simpson.

Okay, what time again?

About 8 .15.

Uh -huh. Okay, and everything will be perfect. All right. Okay, bye -bye.

and I'll check on the dinner. Okay.

Chateau Nuffie de Papa.

Ohio's best.

Son, we got to get this dough figured.

Hi, I'm Nora Simpson.

Is everything all right?

I mean, I'm a little early, but I was able to get away.

Oh, yeah, that's perfect. That means that we'll have more time to get

acquainted. Oh, good.

Won't you come in and sit down? Oh, thank you.

Would you like a drink, Miss... Simpson, Nora...

One martini? Yeah.

Would you hold the olive, please?

Excuse me, miss, but I don't want to be rude, but you're supposed to be at 8 o

'clock, and now it's 8 .10, and we couldn't wait, so everything's gone.

So, here, take a dollar and go get you a fat burger.

because I am a vegetarian.

Uh -oh.

Listen, that computer must have got y 'all's cards all mixed up because y 'all

were supposed to have everything in common. Oh, I'm sure we do.

Uh -uh. You're a vegetarian and Lamont here is a meat freak.

Well, Pop, I could always learn to be a vegetarian.

Could you learn to be white?

Oh, sure.

And would you hold the olive?

You know what I think?

Know what?

Well, I think we're just going to hit it off great.

One double martini. Oh, merci.

To us, Lamont.

Yeah, right.

Could I have another one, please?

Oh, sure.

I think you're cute, too. Don't you think she's cute, Pop? I think that your

mustache is cute.

Oh, you like his mustache? Yeah.

Well, why don't you get ready to leave and I have him shave it off and you take

it home and smoke it.

Oh, boy, I am so hungry.

Whoops.

Got to have a little fast. Yeah, let's just come over here and sit down and

we'll have some dinner. How am I doing? You're doing just great.

You don't want to see next Nora?

Come here, son. Help me get this stuff out of the kitchen.

Excuse us, Nora. Just make yourself at home.

Don't do that.

Why don't you go into the living room and keep Nora company?

Say, listen, son. We got to get rid of that girl. Why, Pop? She just got here.

Besides, I think she's charming.

Is some other charming luscious in the world? Find a black one.

Pop, would you let me enjoy myself? I mean, after all, the computer date thing

said that we were perfect. We were made for each other. And computers don't make

mistakes. That one did.

A $7 ,000 one.

Pop, would you quit worrying?

I'm not worrying about me, son. I'm worried about my grandbaby.

Think of it.

A mother that's a lush and a father that's a dummy.

My grandbaby, my grandbaby will be a lummy.

Well, that's not my fault, now is it? Because you were the one that set this

whole thing up in the first place, Pop, not me. Well, I was out to know that the

computer was colorblind.

It just messed up. The computer didn't mess up. You messed up and you're going

to have to stick with it because I'm not going to go out there and hurt that

girl's feelings.

Well, I'll go out there and let her down easy. All right, let her down easy.

Use some tact.

I know tact.

Use some diplomacy.

I know diplomacy.

Say,

Nora? Yes, Mr. Denver? You're a drunken lush.

I got her here under false pretension.

And you know, your happiness is more important to me than $7 ,000.

I ain't gonna never butt in your business again.

You sure about that?

Positive.

Everything's perfect, Janet, except you're too late.

You said a quarter after eight. Oh, no, you were here on time, but see, the real

Nora Simpson showed up, and she did everything that you were supposed to do.

is she an actress, too?

No, no, she's not an actress.

Nobody could act that good.

But listen, everything worked out perfectly, and I appreciate you coming

here, Janet. I'll call you up tomorrow and tell you all about it. All right.

Okay? Bye.

Who was that?

Nobody, probably somebody looking for an address.

What are you going to do about Lushermaid here?

Don't worry about her. I'll call the cab and pour her into it. Oh, no, that's

okay. That's okay. I can just get home. I'm fine. I'm fine. I got my car out

there parked on the sidewalk in the hedge.

Bye. I think I better go with her, Father. No, son, wait a minute. That's

your responsibility.

You're not the one that went down to date a mate. You're not the one that

all them lies.

You're not the one that started all this here stuff.

The one that's at fault should be the one to take her home.

Grady, take the lady home.

$4 ,571 .52 divided by 312

equals 72 .15.

Don, how much is 42 and 30?

72. Why? What are you doing? I'm just making a little calculation here.

You know, $7 ,000 ain't much money to sound like.

What do you mean?

Well, look here. After you paid for the marriage and had the baby and paid meals

for the barbecue and the hall and everything, the minister, that's $6

That don't leave me and you but $800.

What do you mean, me and you?

Us.

Us? Yeah, us.

$400 a piece.

See, so the way I figured...

You just give me my $400, then I'll save you a lot of trouble.