Original subtitles

Lamont!

Lamont!

That dummy.

Staying out all night.

Didn't even tell nobody where he's taking the truck.

He could have had an accident.

Could be dead.

If he ain't dead, I'll kill him.

only son my only truck hello

operator uh uh give me give me police police

is this the bureau of missing son uh person yeah i'm looking for my son

yeah yeah lamont you what you got a guy that don't know who he is

well well ask him is he lamont

He don't know if he's Lamont.

But does he know if he's black?

He isn't?

Well, it won't make no difference who he is.

Hey, Pop.

Hold on just a minute.

Lamont, where are you going staying out all night?

What are you so upset about, Pop? You knew where I was. Now, didn't you find a

note I left you on the kitchen table?

A note? I gave it to the milkman.

You mean you didn't read it?

No, I gave it to the milkman.

He read it.

Even Elsie the cow knows where you're going before I do.

I'm sorry, Papa.

Yeah, leave me here in my solitary confinement.

What if I had one of my big ones? Then who would take me to the hospital?

Papa, I... I know, the milkman.

In the back of his truck squeezed between the cottage cheese and the prune

yogurt.

with a sensitivity group exploring each other's inner feelings.

Inner what?

Feelings. You see, the group feels that people don't touch each other enough,

and it makes them up tight, and they get high blood pressure and ulcers.

Well, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard of. Now, what if I'm walking down

the street, and I walk over to some nice pretty girl and start touching her all

over?

What do I tell the police?

Well, officer, I'm trying not to get an ulcer.

it works at all, Pop. You see, everybody in the group touches and wants to be

touched. You see, it makes us feel like we're brothers and sisters.

Brothers and sisters touching?

They got a word for that.

Insects.

Hey, Pop, it's just a nice group of people made up of blacks, whites, a

You touch the Chinaman?

I chew our neighbors in the group also.

Why do you go around touching all these weirdos?

Hey, Pop, you need this group more than I do.

I need that group?

I need that group like President Nixon needs a tape deck.

Hey, Pop, you don't get along with nobody, man. You're always arguing and

fighting with people.

I do not. Yes, you are. You argue with me. I do not. You argue with Skillet.

I don't. You argue with Leroy? I never argue with Leroy. Since when?

Since he stopped speaking to me.

See, we had this big argument.

And first thing he said was I was arguing all the time. That's bigger

you're always arguing and fighting with people. And you know why?

Because you're stubborn.

Who's stubborn?

You are. When is the last time you gave in to somebody?

1942.

I gave in to your mama.

And that was a big mistake.

Why? What happened?

You.

that you're great at, Pop.

Insults. Who? You are. You're always insulting me. I don't insult anybody.

You're either insulting me or you're insulting my friends. Like who?

Well, you never stop insulting Julio.

Those aren't insults. Those are facts.

And that's another thing, Pop. You're against facts? No, I'm against

Judging people without even knowing them for stupid reasons. Stupid reasons?

Do you call being a Puerto Rican a stupid reason?

That's the only thing good about Julio.

He's got a built -in reason for you not to like him.

What's the use, man? You're just naturally unfriendly.

I'm very friendly. I just have an unfriendly way of showing it.

Well, maybe it's about time you started thinking about changing your ways, Pop.

If you like somebody, you should tell them.

Do you like me?

I don't know.

Come on, let me hear you say it.

I like you.

Do you love me? You watch your mouth.

Do you love me?

Of course, you're my son.

Then let me hear you say it.

You're my son.

I want some cream in my throat.

Anybody home?

Hey, Achoo, come on in, man.

Hi, Lamont. Hi, Mr. Sanford. Hey, grab a chair and sit down here and have some

coffee.

You know, I was just talking to my father about how he can't express his

feelings. I can.

Choo -choo, I hate you.

You said I couldn't express my true feelings. That's my true feelings.

No offense, Choo -choo.

Achoo. Gesundheit.

Hey, Lamont, it's okay. I mean, since I've been to the group... I can go up

anything. You know, that was really a great session. Hey, and the next one's

going to be even better. Pop's going to sit in on that one, aren't you, Pop?

What? Well, that's great, Mr. Sanford. Maybe now you'll find out why you hate

people. I don't hate people.

I don't get no rights on my clothes.

Look, you said you hate people. I'm people.

You're not my people, Mr.

Sanford. Now, you know that that's not the truth. I mean, way down deep inside,

we're both exactly the same.

Yeah, deep down. But as we get closer to the surface, I turn black and you turn

yellow.

What's the matter with you, man? Aren't you with your neighbor? You know what it

says in the Bible, love thy neighbor.

Well, the guy who wrote the Bible didn't live in this neighborhood.

What he had, he said, love thy neighbor, but locketh thy window.

Now, shove that in your fortune cookie.

Choo -choo.

Ah, Choo.

Zundi.

Listen, I know that's not your true feeling, Mr. Stanford. I mean, I know

way down deep inside, you really love me. Don't you touch me, egg roll.

I really closed your eyes up for you.

Mr. Stanford.

You're a hopeless case.

I'll check you later, Lamont.

Ciao, Choo.

You know, you are hopeless, man. And when the group gets here next week...

a minute. Hold it. Hold it. Stop right there.

Would you instant replay that for me?

When what group gets here?

The group.

Every week, they have it at a different person's house. Next week, it's going to

be here.

Not here. I don't want them groupies right here touching and feeling.

Let them go to the motel like everybody else.

It's too late, Pop, because I already told the group that they could use my

place. Where is that?

Yeah. Oh, you mean my place.

Well, this is my place, too.

No. This is my place. Your place ain't no place.

But this is just as much my place as it is your place. Probably more.

How you figure that? Because I do everything around here. I do all the

around here, and you sit. I unload the truck, and you sit. I bring the money

home, and you sit. And you can still say this is your place?

Yeah. How?

Squatter's right.

Yeah, well, I got... rights too yeah you got a right to be wrong and you are

wrong because listen i bought this place i paid the taxes on this place i put

the insurance on this place and if business keep falling off like it is i'm

gonna burn this place what are you trying to tell me pop that for the last

years i've been a and that reminds me you owe me 32 years back rent i'll send

you a check where you going I'm not going to stay here. I'm moving in with

Julio. At least over there I'll have some respect, some affection, and some

love. Yeah, and some roaches, please, and a tropical disease.

So long, Pop.

Wait a minute, son. You know that check you said you were going to send me for

the back rent? Yeah. Forget it.

Thanks. I want cash.

I know how to get him back home.

Fix his favorite breakfast.

Three eggs.

One up, one over, and one scrambled.

And his favorite cereal.

Ah, that's good. No lumps.

Just don't seem right for... The father be living in one place, and the son be

living in another place. And then the son is married, and the wife don't like

his father.

And then the hell with both of them.

Let me get it.

Come on, it's your breakfast.

What is it?

Oatmeal on a stick.

I already had breakfast at Julio's, you know, at home.

No, I don't know.

Because this is your home, and that's your hacienda.

Look, Pop, we've been through this every morning since I split. Now, I don't

live here anymore. I just work here. And if I don't live here, I don't eat here.

Now, would you kindly come over here and help me unload the truck?

No, because I've got too much stuff to do inside.

Like what?

I've got to eat my breakfast.

And then?

I've got to eat your breakfast.

Those damn ungrateful kids.

Raise them up, sing them lullabies, fix them oatmeal on a stick.

What does it mean, message?

Don't you know how to knock on people's door?

My nephew told me I could just walk in here.

Well, don't come in yet. Wait till I cover up all the mirrors.

Watch your mouth, Fred Sanford.

I didn't come here to be insulted.

Tell me where you're going. I'll follow you there.

Shut up, you old fool.

Who you calling a fool?

What you doing here anyway?

I just came over to bring some of my homemade preserves.

Well, don't get it up there too close to your face. We don't want to preserve

that.

You may think your face is a prize, but it looks just like a brillo pad with an

eye.

Where should I put this?

Watch it.

This is for Lamont.

Well, you came to the wrong place. Try next door over at the Cockroach Hilton.

What does that mean?

It means that Lamont and I had a discussion about mine, his, and ours.

He said what's his is mine and what's mine is his.

I said no.

What's mine is mine, and what's his is mine.

Now, mind your own business.

I don't believe it. You kicked your son out of his house.

I didn't kick him out of his house. Thine own son.

Flesh of thy flesh.

Bones of thy bones.

And mouth of thy mouth.

Why don't you shut your face?

Fred, if you won't listen to me,

You could at least heed the words of your late wife.

She's up there right now looking down at all of this.

She's saying, Fred, you miserable old snagger tooth jackass.

I just can't do it.

You heard what she said.

You heard exactly what she said. You be the head, old pickle -eyed fool.

What more do you need?

If you keep calling me by my name, I'm going to need an alibi.

Hey, Lamar.

Come on in here, son.

I'm not hungry.

You don't have to eat. Just come on in here.

What's going on?

Your father will tell you what's going on. I don't know what's going on, but I

know what... going out.

Gladly. I've had stomach cramps that I enjoyed better than you.

Here, baby.

Thank you, honest. I don't know why I came to this heathen house. Praise the

Lord. Did you

mind

telling me what's going on in here?

Well, I was talking to your Aunt Gorilla.

And, son, it's true that you belong here. This is your home.

This is where you ought to be. I want you to move back home.

Well, if I do move back in here, Pop, it's going to be on my own terms, man.

more of this my this and my that. It's going to be share and share alike.

Yeah, share and share alike.

What do you want first, my arthritis or my heart condition?

Okay, Pop, it's a deal.

Now, when the group gets here tonight, I want... Now, wait a minute. Now, wait a

minute. Just a moment. Now, you didn't say nothing about no group.

All right, the deal is off. No, wait a minute. Okay, okay.

You want them groupies? You can have the groupies, but I just won't be here.

Well, that's up to you, Pop. I'm gonna go next door and get my things from

Julio's house and bring them back to my room.

My room.

Our room.

Yeah, that's right. Our room.

In my house.

Thank you.

Have I missed any of the touching?

Uh, yeah, but we saved some up for you. How touching.

Nice place, Lamont.

Oh, it's nothing, really.

But a lot of it.

Celine, how are you? How are you, Maureen?

Nice to see you.

What hasn't been touched yet?

My back.

Oh.

Hey, can I get something for you, Francine?

Uh, how about some sugar cubes?

I'll see if we have any.

I love you, Lamont.

I love you, Brenda.

Hey, Pop, what are you doing?

Just taking care of a few details.

Like what?

Tom, my silhouette.

You're not even supposed to be here, man. I thought you were going out

I was, but I ain't nowhere to go.

See, the pool room caught on fire.

And all of my buddies went to the racetrack without me.

Hey, I know. Why don't you come out there and join the group, man? I

know what to do after I hugged that Chinese fella.

Hugging is only part of it.

Well, I sure ain't gonna kiss him.

You don't have to kiss him either. Just come out there and say and do anything

you feel like doing.

Anything? Anything.

Well, what if I feel like saying cock -a -doodle -doo?

Say it.

And what if I feel like taking all my clothes off?

A lot of people do that.

They do? Sure.

And the chicks do? Sometimes.

Maybe I'll just stick around as an observer.

You're very good about letting your hostilities out. I'm going to let out

more. Yes, you really should. I'm going to let it all go.

Pardon me, pal.

Please take your hat off in my house.

Maureen, I'd like for you to meet my father. He's going to sit in with the

group.

I beg your pardon?

Cock -a -doodle -doo. I felt like saying it, so I said it. Oh.

Well, cock -a -doodle -doo to you, too.

Cock -a -doodle -doo!

Come on, son.

Don't step on him eggs.

Well, well, I think... We can start now, folks. It looks like we're all here.

Yeah, we might be all here, but she ain't all there.

Now, when we left off our last meeting, Francine, you were telling us that you

were unhappy because you're fat, right?

Yes.

Now, Francine, what you have to understand is that people don't care if

fat. We like you because you're you.

Don't we, Groove?

She's not going to take her clothes off, is she?

And to prove it, we are all going to give you a big hug, starting with Achoo.

I love you, Achoo. I love you, Francine.

Oh, I love you too, Francine.

I love you, Mr. Get back, fatso.

I don't want you.

Now,

I

think you're all forgetting what the group is about, man. It's about good and

honesty and understanding.

Now, my pop was just being honest, and he's got a lot of good. Like what?

Well, he's... Well, see, my pop said... That's it, son. You tell him.

You see, he feels that he's... That's it. That's it. You're rolling now. See,

pop has got... Don't overdo it.

Why don't we start all over again? I mean, no, let's start over and show him

understanding we can all be.

Now... There's a lot of good deep inside, my father, and if we all get

we can bring it out. Now, what do you say, Gru?

I don't know. I don't know. It's up to her. It might be. Francine? What do you

think? How about it?

Go ahead, Francine.

Well,

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

And I like you, Mr. Sanford.

And I like you, too, Twiggy.

That's one thing about the group, man. It really wears you out.

Yeah. And, Lamont, you know your friends?

Maybe I was wrong, because they wasn't so bad.

Hey, I'm glad you feel that way, Pop, but what made you change your mind?

Well, a couple of things.

Well, to be exact, 19 things.

19? Yeah, my silverware. None of it was missing.

Come on, Pop. And, you know, that speech you made about understanding me and all

that? Yeah. That was nice.

And it made me feel good to hear you say stuff like that about me. I'm in every

word of it, Pop. They have no right to attack you like that. Oh, that was all

right, because I had a speech prepared in case things got rough.

A speech?

Yeah. A sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but words will never hurt me.

that's good, Pop.

Call me this and call me that, but I still think that broad was fat.

I really appreciate you coming over here and helping me clean up like this, Aunt

Esther. I'm happy to do it.

You're my favorite nephew.

Lamont, you know I'd do anything for you.

Tell her to have a face fix.

Hey, Pop, didn't you learn anything from the group? Now, I'm sure there's at

least one thing that you can think of good to say about Aunt Esther. Now,

about it and say it.

Watch it.

careful look out that's what I'm trying to say is that you're overly generous

every time you open up your mouth you give away your ignorance