Original subtitles

Hey, good morning, Grady. Look, I just got a call from Pop, and he's still in

St. Louis. He says to tell you that he misses you, and everything is fine, and

he wants to thank you for the nice way that you're taking care of his only son,

and he... Did you hear what I said?

Look at this news.

Have you been keeping up with this women's lib stuff?

No, what's going on?

It says here that some lady up in Sacramento burned her bra in a pubic

That public place thing.

Oh.

Can you imagine that, burning your bra in a public place?

Yeah, well, a lot of women are doing that nowadays.

Yeah, next they'll be burning their drawers.

I don't know what's getting into these women of the day.

You know, women used to be ladies.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, Grady, they still are.

No, they're not.

They're going around smoking them little cigars, and they don't smooth their

dresses out behind when they sit down anymore.

And they wear those Seymour clothes.

What kind of clothes?

Seymour. You know, you see more of them than you do clothes.

My mother wasn't like that.

My mother was a lady.

And I don't care how much she wanted to protest, she never would have burned her

bloomers.

Well, look, Grady, times have changed since your mother's day, man. Women

want to be known for just staying at home and having babies and cooking.

Well, if the Lord had wanted women to do something other than cook and have

babies, he'd have made them men.

Grady, that's not even what I'm talking about. Now, just sit down here. I want

to tell you something. Now, do you know the main difference between a man and a

woman?

You don't know?

I think your father's going to have to talk to you.

I'm not even talking about sex. It's impossible to have an intelligent

conversation with you. Get me some milk for my cereal, please.

Well, I just think you're taking the side of them women livers, that's all.

that what you're doing, just taking the side of them women livers?

Grady, I'm not taking nobody's side, man. I'm just trying to let you know

they're coming from, that's all.

Well, I might not know where they're coming from, but I know where they ought

go.

They ought to be at home in a woman's domain.

Yeah, barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen, I suppose.

No, barefoot, naked, and in the boudoir.

You know, you know what?

You're a dirty old man.

Yes, you are. And all the time, I thought you were a clean old man.

I'll be a clean old man when I'm a dead old man.

Now, will you get the door, please?

While I finish reading this terrible news.

Uncle Woodrow.

Can I come in, Lamont?

You already did.

Oh, thanks, Lamont.

Who is it, Lamont?

It's Uncle Woodrow. Who?

Uncle Woodrow. That's what I thought you said.

What are you doing?

Your father left me in charge, and he said if your Uncle Woodrow came around,

that I was to hide the booze from Woody the wino.

I don't want to drink, Grady. You don't?

No, no, that's not what's on my mind. I got trouble.

Trouble? Well, come over here and sit down and take your hat off and tell me

about it, Uncle Woody.

Hey, man,

what you doing with a suitcase? You going somewhere?

Yeah.

and Esther kicked me out of the house.

What did she do? Kick you coming out of one of them massage parlors again?

Grady. Now, go ahead, Uncle Woody. Tell me what happened, man. See, I was out

all night drinking and celebrating, and when I got home this morning, Esther had

to sit out of my clothes out in this suitcase and wouldn't let me in.

Well, what were you celebrating?

Our 27th birthday.

Why didn't you take her on after celebrating with you?

No, because Esther's idea of having a good time is staying at home watching

Reverend Ike on television.

Well, it looks like you're in the doghouse this time, Uncle Woody. What

on doing?

I don't know yet.

Guess I just have to stay here a while.

Oh, no.

Nope, nope, nope.

What do you mean, nope, nope, nope?

One of the things your father said was no borders, and I'm very sorry, Woody. I

don't know why I came over here.

Guess it was fate that brought me to your door.

And I guess as great as it's going to take you out the door.

Now, look, Uncle Woody, you just sit here and make yourself comfortable, and

we're going to go in there and make some coffee, all right? Okay, Lamar. Get

over in the kitchen. Yeah, just don't get too comfortable, Woody. I'll be

telling my relatives.

That's my relatives. You know what your father said every time I...

the matter with you, Grady? Oh, Woody's my favorite uncle. We just can't throw

him out in the street.

Your father said that he didn't want any winos in this house, and I happen to

know that Woody is the wino king of watts.

All right.

So let us assume that he's going to stay here.

Where is he going to sleep?

He can sleep in my room.

And you sleep with me?

Oh, no. I heard about them toenails.

All right, I'll sleep on the sofa. You satisfied?

All right, all right. But tomorrow, Woody's got to go.

Lock me out of my own house after 27 years. Can you imagine that? Say, look

here, Uncle Woody.

Say, look here, man. We done talked about it. And it'd be cool if you stay

until you get everything straightened out at home. I'm gonna go upstairs and

up my room and you can sleep there, all right? Oh, thank you, Lamont. Thank you.

And thank you too, Grady.

Bless you both.

Now I can breathe easy.

Well, just don't breathe my way.

Uh, say, Grady, I was thinking, uh, would it be possible to, uh, get a

shot or something?

Just a little toddy for my body, you know?

That body is so shoddy, it don't need no toddy.

Now, look, you don't understand, Grady. Now, what if you had been married to

Esther for 27 years, and then all of a sudden, no, it's all over. No more

Esther. Now, what would you do, huh?

I'd separate and get drunk.

All right, come on, you can have a little taste.

I'll do it. Thank you.

Freddie, would you believe? I never used to drink before I married Esther.

You know, Woody, I hate to tell you this, but you had to be drunk to marry

Esther.

I love that woman. It was love at first sight. Man, I know you was drunk.

Drunk on the wine of love?

I love that woman, Brady.

I love her, and I miss her already, too.

Woody, Woody, please don't do that.

You're making a damn fool out of yourself.

I can't help it.

Sure you can.

It's cream puffs like you that are letting these women get away with all

stuff. Now, if you had any...

you'd march right back over to your house and put Esther in her proper

Now, where is that?

On the receiving end of your foot.

Now, move over and let me fix you and give you another drink here, and I'll

you get your battle plan together.

See that? Now, you got to remember one thing. You got to be the only one in the

house to wear the pants.

Now, are you a man or a cream puff?

Pull me another shot, and I'll tell you.

I'm mad.

There, well, that's it. That's the way to go. That's what I wanted to do.

Now, sit down.

Now, see, what do you got to get a firm grip on, Esther?

Now, I've been reading in the paper about how these women are trying to take

over. Now, we got the...

Stop them. We got to maintain control.

Now, what if we don't work on Esther?

You know, there's different strokes for different folks.

Did you want me to help you or not?

Now, aren't you tired of being a cream puff?

Yeah, yeah, I am.

Well, say it.

I am tired of being a cream puff.

room, Ms. Grady, Uncle Woodrow.

Get into it.

What is it? Well, now, that's peanut butter and liverwurst on a toasted bagel

with a touch of mayo.

Sounds great.

Say, listen, have you heard anything from Aunt Esther and Uncle Woody?

No, I still haven't, as a matter of fact. But if Woody takes my advice,

have peace of mind.

If Woody takes your advice, he'll have eternal peace, because on after, he'll

kill it.

Grady, you've got to learn to stay out of family affairs, man, especially this

family's. Well, dear, Abby got rich meddling in family affairs.

Well, why don't you get the door, Abby?

Yeah, okay.

Say, if you get thirsty there somehow, why in parts in the refrigerator to go

along with the peanut butter and liverwigs on the toasted bagel?

Now, would you just relax?

Now, tell me what happened.

Woodrow locked me out is what happened.

No.

And it was all his idea. You old goat.

Now, you just stop that.

Now, go ahead, Arnester. Tell me what happened.

When I got back from visiting the sick in the shut -in, my bag was packed.

He's such a pussycat.

A pussycat who got turned into a snaggertooth tiger.

All I did was speak to him man to man.

All you did was speak to him creek to creek, you creek.

Now, just wait a minute. Now, wait a minute. Now, there's got to be a

solution to this. There certainly is. And I'm staying right here until this

is cleared up.

And I think that that is fair.

Oh, no.

Nope, nope, nope.

I mean, she can't stay here because there isn't any room.

That's what they told the baby Jesus, but they found him a place.

Okay, I'll build you a little manger out in the backyard.

And I'll get you some sheep to sleep with.

Why you dead? Ron Esther!

Now, never mind. Now, come here, Ron Esther.

Now, look.

Now, you can go upstairs and you can stay in my room. The linen has already

changed. Now, wait a minute, Lamar. I don't think your father would approve of

this. Go on up there and make yourself comfortable, yeah?

Thank you, baby.

Now, just listen.

Don't you go in my room by mistake, because if I pull back them covers and

you, I'm going to have a stroke and die.

Mind your own business.

Woodrow made it my business when he came over here this morning.

Grady, you should know by now to stay out of family affairs, especially my

family. Just stay out of it.

I got it.

I got an idea.

Oh, no.

I've got me a little plan.

Yes, indeed, I've got me a little plan.

Just you wait and see. I've got me a little plan.

Grady Wilson, you are a genius.

do that for? If Woodrow comes over here expecting Arnester to be meek, she's

liable to knock him down.

One down and one to go.

You're going to be sorry you did this, Grady Wilson.

Mark my words, you're going to be sorry you did this.

How many of Floppy?

Come on, baby.

How are you? I'm doing fine, but what's the matter? What y 'all doing here?

We're looking for our poor sweet sister. We just left her house and Woody the

Worm said he put her out.

And we figured she'd be over here. So we came over here as fast as we could. All

right, just make yourself at home here.

What's your ticket?

Honest!

Only trying to help them out.

Come on, Woodrow, this is where the cream pops.

And since I'm the last man...

brought them back together again, didn't I? Oh, big deal.

Now, who was that a victory for, the men or women's lib?

Well, now I'd say it was the standoff.

They ought to both burn their drawers in a pubic place. Not a public place!

Public place!

Well, I'll see you later, Grady. I'm going out for the evening. I got a

date lined up, you know.

Did you hear what I said?

You know that them women livers object to that airline advertisement?

You know, the one that says, I'm Margie, fly me?

Are you back on that again?

Well, I don't see what's wrong with flying Margie.

It ain't up to the women livers, it's up to Margie.

And if she says fly me, then we should all fly her.

Clayton, look, it's like I told you. Women don't want to be known as sex

symbols. And it says here that the man that came up with the idea... is

a male Chinese pig.

That's male chauvinist pig.

Oh.

Well, anyway, they are sex symbols and cooking symbols and kitchen symbols and

sewing symbols and they ought to get used to it.

Okay, fine, Grady. Have it your own way, but I got a little date, and good

night, Grady. Hey, wait a minute. Where you going? I fixed supper for you. Hey,

I'm sorry, man. I told you I got a date.

Well, what kind of business is that? I've been in this kitchen all day

and slaving over a hot stove.

You can't do that to me. I meant to see you. I just see you sweat rolling.

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape for a live studio audience.