Original subtitles

Lamont! Lamont!

What?

You didn't finish your supper.

Don't you want any dessert? I made you some jello.

No, thank you.

Well, I promised your daddy I'd take good care of you while he was away in

Louis. Now come on down here and eat your jello.

I don't want no jello, Brady.

Guess I'll have to eat it myself.

I used to know a girl who could do that.

Her name was Lottie the Body.

She was as mellow as jello.

Have you ever seen anybody wear an ascot before?

Is that what you call that?

That's right, it's an ascot. See, over in England, this is what all the rich

dudes wear at the racetrack, an ascot. Oh, then that's why you look like a

horse's ascot.

My goodness, and just look at the rest of you.

Look at that jacket.

Don't tell me.

That's what the well -dressed hot dog man wears at the racetrack.

You don't know nothing, do you, Grady?

I know a sissy when I see one.

You see, I look like a sissy to me.

This happens to be a lounging jacket, Grady, and it's what you wear around the

house. See, I got it on sale at Phil's Fashion Box.

It was slightly irregular, so it was a markdown.

Oh, well, you better wear it around the house, because if you wear that thing at

the pool hall... That markdown will get you a knockdown.

Uh, listen, I don't wish to discuss this any further. I must check out my stash

for this evening's festivities.

Oh, goodness.

Check out your stash.

Is that what you're going to do, just wear that thing around the house

Hey, greedy, have you been in my wine?

Who, me?

Yes, you. I had almost a full bottle over here, and now it's just about

It was a rosé. A who?

It was a pink wine, a rosé.

Oh, well, you're better off without that stuff, because that rosé was lousy.

Is that what we're going to do tonight, just sit around and look at some

television and drink some wine?

Uh, that's what I'm going to do, Grady. You are leaving. You see, I've got a

young lady coming over here to spend the evening with me.

Oh, well, you won't bother me.

I know that, Grady, but you'll be bothering us.

Now, look, man, this is still my house, and I've got a right to have company

over here and be alone with it if I want to.

Oh, sure, you've got a right. But your father left me in charge of this house,

and he told me that while he was away that I was to enforce his number one

No orgies.

You mean orgy, don't you, Grady? Yeah, none of that either.

Well, in other words, I've got to go upstairs and change my clothes and take

date out somewhere, huh? Okay, I'm not going to forget this, lady. But just

remember one thing.

Just because you're sitting in my pop's chair doesn't mean that you're the boss

of this house.

Well, he left me in charge, so I guess that that's what that means.

I'm the boss.

And now the boss is going to look at the little television.

Oh, I think the boss will answer the door.

to get out of his ascot. He'll be right down.

Who?

Lamont. That's who you came to see, isn't it? Why, no, ducky.

I'm here to see you.

Oh, wait a minute. I don't understand.

You mean you came to see me?

Well, if the mountain won't come to Muhammad, then Muhammad will come to the

mountain. So here I am.

Your little Miss Muhammad.

Oh, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait a minute.

Now, you gotta tell me some more.

Now, is your name really Miss Mohammed?

Are you a Muslim?

No, silly.

You mean you don't remember?

It's Betty.

Betty Hairston.

Ain't you going to offer me a little taste of something?

Oh, yeah, sure.

What would you like?

Well, for sentimental reasons, why don't we have what we had that night?

Boilermakers.

Boilermakers? We had boilermakers?

Yeah, a shot of bourbon and a glass of beer.

We had about 14 of them, and we never once stirred from that booth.

Oh, if I'd have had 14 beers, I would have stirred at least once.

We was in a booth?

Uh -huh.

Yeah? Are we going to have some drink?

Oh, yeah, sure.

I'll get us a couple of beers.

You do that, honey.

Betty. Betty Harrison.

Betty. Betty Harrison.

Wow.

Where was I?

And what did I do?

Oh, Lord, I hope this isn't a paternity suit.

had a date to meet there again tonight we did where at fancy dan's barn grill

it's a good thing you told me about your business sanford and son or i never

would have known where to find you remember now

scraggly beard.

Oh, that cologne you were wearing. What was it?

Brut.

That's it.

And you smelled like a brute that night.

You rubbed your scraggly beard against my face and I remember thinking to

myself, Brillo never ever felt so good.

Yeah, but please, my leg is going to sleep.

That's kind of... Now, listen, Miss Horseton. Yes.

Yeah, well, whatever it is.

Look, you see, I am not Fred Stanford.

He's in St. Louis. He went there to attend his cousin's funeral and to be

his family. And he told me to just stay around here and take charge of the house

while he was away.

The man you're really looking for is in St. Louis.

You are the cutest little liar.

you said to me that night live, too? What things?

About how you were a hero during World War II.

How they dropped you behind the enemy line and you posed as a Japanese

Oh, well, you see, Fred Sanford is shorter than I am.

So he could be mistaken for a Japanese soldier.

But I could never be taken for no Japanese.

Chinese, maybe, but not Japanese.

playing games with me.

I think I know why you're trying to deny everything.

I am not Fred.

But you can't get out of it. Get out of what?

You proposed to me.

I did?

I mean, he did?

You certainly did.

And I remember just how you did it, too.

Oh, it was so cute.

You said...

Freddy's ready for Betty.

Wait a minute. I mean, no, no, no.

Hey,

no, no, no. Just wait a minute, B. Betty.

Yeah, well, whatever it is. Now, I'm telling you for the last time. Now, I am

not Fred Sanford. But even if I was, what would it take for me to get you to

leave me alone?

You need some money or something?

How about some food stamps?

something out of the junkyard. Sure.

Go ahead. Take anything out in the junkyard you want.

There ain't but one thing I want.

That's Y -O -U.

I want you, Freddy.

No, no, no, you don't. No, no, no, no. Help!

No!

Hey, Lamont!

Lamont, help me!

What is it? What is it? What's going on down here? Hey, look. Oh, thank

goodness. You're still here.

Look, this lady was out drinking with your father one night, and she claims

he proposed to her. And now she's saying that I'm Fred Sanford. For Pete's

sakes, will you please tell her who I am?

Sure, that's easy.

He's the boss, Fred Sanford. I'll see you later, Pop.

Say good morning, Grady. Hey, you shouldn't do that. You scared me to

Hey, what happened last night after I left? Because when I got home, he was

asleep.

Well, how come you didn't stay around and tell that lady who I was? You could

have cleared everything up.

No, I couldn't do that, Grady. You kicked me out of my own house because

said you were the boss.

Remember? Yeah, well, you sure left me in a bad spot.

Hey, how'd you get rid of him anyway? Well, when your father gets in trouble,

either has arthritis or a heart attack.

And I had them both.

Plus a severe case of abdominal cramps.

You mean gas, don't you?

Listen, you better stick around in case that lady comes back and then you can

tell her who I am.

I'd like to do that, Grady, but I've got to make a pickup with the truck. I'd

like to stick around here, but you know how those, you know. Hey, wait a minute.

You can't leave me in a spot like this.

back, and then what am I going to do? What am I going to say to her? Well,

tell you what, Grady. Why don't you try to stall her off for a few days until

Pop gets back, and then he'll think of something to tell her. Well, I suppose

doesn't want to wait.

In that case, congratulations.

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute. I need help, and you're the only one that can

me, and my abdominal cramps are coming back.

I need help bad.

your friend Sonny Cochran.

Yeah, why didn't I think of that before?

Yeah, I'll just call my friend and have him come over here and straighten this

whole thing out.

And if that doesn't work, I'll call the National Guard.

Hello, it's Sonny!

married anyway fred besides i'm one of them free -thinking women you know what

mean fred and hey listen now you didn't believe me last night when i was trying

to tell you but maybe you'll believe me today you see my name is not fred sampas

my name is uh uh yeah great grady wilson there it is now do you believe me

my ex -husband had an alias too what were you in for Now listen, Miss

Hairpin, that's... Yes, sir.

Yeah, well, why won't you believe me?

Because I think you're just scared about getting married again. But you'll get

over it. I'm gonna make you real happy.

You see?

be nice.

If we went to Fancy Dan's Bar and Grill tonight and we sat in the same booth

where you proposed to me, I bet if you had a few Boilermakers, it would all

back to you and you'd stop being so weird.

Huh?

We'd be lovey -dovey again.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

And I bet it would all come back to you, too.

Wouldn't it?

I bet it would.

Well, listen.

Now, we don't have to wait until tonight.

We could have us a couple of drinks right now.

Now? Sure.

This early?

Why not?

Okay. I ain't had no breakfast. I had some cornflakes and beer. Now, hey, wait

minute. Now, you don't want to spoil it with no cornflakes. And I got something

better than beer.

Now, why don't you just have a seat over here, darling, and make yourself

comfortable. And I'll step right over here to the bar and make us a little

drinky -winky.

Now you're beginning to sound like the Fred I knew that night.

Oh, Dan, before it's all over, you're going to think you're reliving that

all over again.

Oh, you're going to take advantage of me? Am I going to take advantage of you?

You just check that bottle out and see if that's not the stuff that is better

than that stuff that we had that night.

And now you'll see that I'm going first class all the way. Just check it out

carefully. And I'm going to do everything that we did that night.

Oh, you devil.

Yeah, that's me.

You're going to revel with the devil.

And by the time I get through with you, you're going to need the exorcist.

Now, what should we drink to?

Oh, let's drink to us.

To Betty and Freddy.

To Betty and Freddy.

To, uh, Sanford and Son.

To San...

and robots.

I just want to make sure that we do everything like we did it that night.

Now, what did we do?

Oh, there was a slow tune playing on the jukebox, and you asked me to dance.

Oh, shucks. You mean one of those belly -rubbing guys?

That's it.

Well, come on.

something's wrong something is definitely wrong yeah what is it you

were a lot shorter that night i was and

crazy or drunk?

It's a little of the first and a lot of the second.

Well, how'd she get so crocked this early in the morning?

Well, you see now, it's part of my game plan.

Now, I figured if I got her as drunk as she was the night that she was out with

your father, then she would remember that I was not Fred Sanford.

Well, how come she thought I was Fred Sanford? Well, like you said, she's

crazy or drunk.

Oh, there she is again.

Now, if that's her, I'm going to call the police. That's a good idea, Grady.

It is the police.

Hey,

how you doing, Grady? Hey, Smitty, Hoppy, what's happening?

Hey. How are you?

That's what we want to know, man. Now, this lady flagged us down and said

someone in here was giving her a problem.

Let me elucidate on that.

here charges that a party residing at this residence reneged on a mutually

agreed upon contract by misrepresentation and thereby

faith.

She said one of you guys was trying to rip her off.

Well, look, let me explain. That's him.

That's him. That's Fred Sanford. Oh, no, lady. He's not Fred Sanford.

Then he's Fred Sanford. No, not him either.

Well, somebody...

Madam, the police will give protection and satisfaction to every citizen,

regardless of age, color, or sex.

I just want satisfaction, no sex.

Hey, uh, Smitty, can I talk to you for a second? Hey, look here, ma 'am, what's

going on around here anyway?

First this lady came in here insisting that my pop asked her to marry him, and

then she was saying that Grady here was Fred Sanford, and then she said I was

Fred Sanford. And she's as nutty as a fruitcake. She's as nutty as a

Your pop sure knows how to pick them, don't he?

Well, maybe I can straighten it out. You see, ma 'am, under our system of

jurisprudence, a man is innocent until proven guilty. Could I say something?

Oh, of course.

Officer Smith will carry on.

Carry on, Officer Smith.

See, lady, there's been a big mistake.

Now, I know both of these gentlemen, and neither one of them is Fred Sanford.

Okay, okay, okay.

Does Fred Sanford live here?

Yes, ma 'am. Fred Sanford lives here.

And neither one of them is Fred Sanford? Neither one of them is Fred Sanford.

Then you're Fred Sanford.

No, lady, I'm not Fred Sanford either.

You sure?

I'm sure.

And I can attest to that, madam. This is Officer Smith.

Let's find a man as we have on the force.

Well, if you're not Fred Sanford...

And neither one of them is Fred Sanford.

That means you.

You are Fred Sanford. Oh, no, no, madam. I couldn't be Fred Sanford.

She thinks I'm of the Caucasian persuasion.

He's the white dude.

Come on, lady, we'll drive you home.

Well, you'll find satisfaction riding in our experimental squad car. It's got

individual reclining bucket seats. It's got steel -belted radial tires. It runs

on natural gas.

When my pop

gets back here, man, I'm really going to have to talk to him.

What a morning. What a morning.

You know, I don't ever drink at this time in the morning, but I think I need

a little taste.

What are you doing? That's a gasoline can. Don't tell me you're drinking gas

now. After an experience like that, I can take anything.

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape for a live studio audience.