Original subtitles

Sailor Man, boo -boo. I love to go swimming with bow -legged women.

Popeye the Sailor Man, boo -boo.

Popeye is here.

Hey, son, you just missed the good part.

Popeye just got tommy points from a bad can of spinach.

That's terrific. Where's my breakfast?

I knew I forgot something.

You forgot my breakfast?

No, I forgot my breakfast.

You can cook your own breakfast because I'm taking the day off.

What do you mean you're taking the day off? I'm tired.

I didn't get no sleep last night because I had this heavy feeling on my chest.

I think it's my heart.

It wasn't your heart. That heavy feeling on your chest was because you ate that

pot full of pig's feet and butter beans last night.

Maybe so, but I was going to take it out for myself, but I was afraid that I

might wake you when I burped.

Never mind. I'll deal with you after I fix myself some breakfast.

Listen, son, while you're in there, fix me a couple of eggs over easy. You know,

the yellow running.

Man, can't even enjoy Popeye by himself.

Good morning, sir.

I'm from the Heart Disease Foundation. I'm collecting in the neighborhood.

Good luck.

Sir, won't you at least hear me out?

If you do, you're talking while you're walking. Bye.

Sir, I bet you don't realize how serious a problem heart disease really is.

And I bet you don't understand anything.

I'd say goodbye, vamos, adios, ciao, so long, get your hat jacked, and don't you

come back tonight.

I'm not asking for much.

That's more than you're getting.

Donations are appreciated, sir, no matter how little you give.

I gave at the office.

Well, isn't this your office?

Well, that depends.

It's my office. It's also my home.

A man's home is his castle.

That's why I imagine you to leave, because I don't want no hassle in my

One day you're going to be sorry you didn't give.

It won't be today.

Hey, Papa, who are you talking to? Nobody.

It's somebody collecting for heart disease.

Well, did you give him anything?

I'm not in favor of heart disease.

You talk to him. I'm going to fix me some breakfast.

Say, brother.

Say, could you come back in the house for a minute?

Thank you.

Hey, look, I'm sorry if my old man gave you a hard time, but, you know, he gets

kind of cranky. Well, it's quite all right. I'm used to it.

Most people don't seem to realize how widespread heart disease really is,

especially among elderly black men like your father.

Like my father?

Yes.

Heart disease is the number one killer in America. But actually, most heart

attacks and related ailments, such as strokes, are caused from hypertension.

Do you know that hypertension afflicts 30 to 40 percent of the black population

in America over 30 years of age?

For every black American that dies from sickle cell anemia, over 100 will die

from a heart attack.

No, I didn't know that. Yeah. Say, listen, Bled, why don't you come in and

down? I want to ask you some questions. All right.

Is it possible for somebody to have, say, three or four heart attacks a day?

Now, I sure doubt it. After the second one, they'd probably be dead. Now, one

big one, and it's all over.

Then it's not likely that a person could average, say, 26 big ones a week, huh?

No, no, that's unbelievable.

Yeah, I thought so, too.

Now, if this person claims to have that many attacks, then there's a good chance

that they may be simulated.

Have you ever seen this person have a heart attack? Oh, yeah, all the time.

person is like a father to me. Well, does this person complain about a

tightening in the chest, pain in the left shoulder and arm, dizziness,

All of that.

Well, then if I were you, I would have this person thoroughly examined after

next attack. That way, if it's really a heart attack, it'll show up when they're

given an electrocardiogram test.

Well, do you know a place where you could get one of these tests?

Oh, yeah, certainly.

I think I have it here somewhere.

Yes, the nearest place to you would be Our Lady of the Leaves Hospital.

Oh, yeah, I know that. They have a cardiac alert department there that

patients 24 hours a day.

Oh, hey, thank you very much, brother. That's all right. Hey, look, you might

not know this, but you've saved a very valuable life.

You mean this person's? No, mine.

Here you go. Here's a dollar for the heart fund.

Thank you very much. On second thought, I feel generous. Make it two.

Oh, thank you. You know, if I could make 30 million more people as generous as

you, everybody would have a healthy heart.

Well, good luck. All right. Okay.

Hey, Pop, you know, I was... Shh!

What are you doing? I'm trying to hear if this cereal really goes snap,

and pop.

I can hear my snap and my crackle, but they beat me out of some of my pops.

Say look I was gonna wait till the night to tell you this, but I don't think I

should I'm gonna lay it on you now But it's bad news tell me tomorrow.

Well remember you was the one that always told me never to put off for

Wait a minute. I never did finish that I want to say never put off tomorrow what

you can do day after tomorrow, so tell me the answer tomorrow No, I'm gonna lay

it on you now Brace yourself pop you break.

I'm great. All right. Here it is.

I'm getting married you what?

I'm getting married What happened? Did you make some girl pregnant?

No, it's nothing like that.

Well, how could you keep something like this to yourself?

When did you decide to do all this?

Yeah, I've been thinking about it for a long time now, but I just recently

decided to do it. Well, is it Ethel and Rogers?

No.

Well, did I ever meet her? Yeah, you met her once.

Her name is Maria.

Maria? You don't mean Magic Fingers Maria, the massage parlor?

Uh -oh, Manchester, Maine.

No, her name is Maria Fuente.

She's Julio's sister.

Julio, you live over there with the goat?

Is that Julio?

One and the same.

You mean to stand there and tell me you're going to marry a Puerto Rican?

That's right.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

It's already been arranged. But look on the bright side of it, Pop. When we have

our first son, we'll name him after you. We'll call him Frederico.

Manuel. Oh, no.

Wait a minute. Oh,

this is the biggest one ever.

You hear that, Elizabeth?

I'm coming to join you, honey.

With an invitation to a Puerto Rican wedding.

What's the matter, Pop?

I'm having a heart attack. That's what's the matter. Are you sure it's a heart

attack? Yeah, I'm sure it's a heart attack. Well, we better get on right

the hospital.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hospital? I ain't going to the hospital.

Well, Pop, you need medical attention.

I don't need no medical attention.

Yes, you do, man. You need medical expert treatment. Now, they got a

alert department not too far from here at Our Lady of the Leaves Hospital. Now,

come on. No, I don't need to go to the hospital. I'm fine.

Just give me a glass of eye ripple of the grapes.

You had a heart attack, didn't you? Now, come on. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Where you say you're taking me? I already told you, man. I'm taking you to

hospital. Now, we'll find out how bad your heart is once they give you that

electrocardiogram test. Now, come on. Now, wait a minute. Ain't nobody gonna

no electrocards on my heart now.

Now, come on.

Let me go.

Electricity be painless.

You ever see a guy jump out of an electric chair and say, oh, that was

painless.

Pop, it's a precautionary measure. Now, one day you're going to thank me for

this. Now, come on. Let's go.

Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Now, I really feel bad.

What is it, Pop? Is it another heart attack? We better hurry up. Oh, wait a

minute. It's not that, son.

It's those pig feet and butter feet.

Come on, Pop. It's going to be painful. No, no. Just relax.

Now, look. Here's your room. $3 .93.

Well,

come on. Let's go.

Oh, hell no. I ain't going in there.

Now,

let's just relax. This is going to help you out. You're going to be fine.

Now, just relax. Just leave me alone.

Everything is fine, nurse. It's just the old man's a little upset about being in

the hospital.

That's a lie. I'm a whole lot upset.

Mr. Sanford, these tests are for your own good, but you aren't compelled to

them. I'm not? Of course not.

Bye.

Oh, no, you don't. Now, you're going to stay in this hospital and get those

tests. Now, this is a nice room, Papa. You'll be comfortable here. Oh, if you

like it so much, you stay here then.

Because I hate hospitals.

I hate the smell of hospitals.

All of them smell like Lysol.

They even cook with Lysol.

We should have all of your tests completed in a few hours. Here, you can

this on, and I'll be back to see you in a few minutes.

Why do I have to slip this thing on?

Oh.

he'd be sick or he wouldn't be in a hospital.

It's probably here because his heart's acting up on him.

How do you know that?

Well, because heart disease is very common nowadays.

Did you know that hypertension and heart disease kill more blacks than anything

else in America?

I didn't know that.

I thought it was the police.

Well, you're not going to have to worry about any more heart attacks,

Pop, because they'll probably give you some miracle drug to fix you right up.

Drug? Then I'll be a dope fiend.

I won't be Fred Sanford the junk man.

I'll be Fred Sanford the junkie.

Hey, Pop, you gotta think positive, man. If the test proves that you got a bad

heart, you can rest and take it easy, and I'll do all the work.

Well, just let me say, for some strange reason, the test proved that I don't

have a bad heart. Well, in that case, you'll be able to do some of the work

around the house, like sweeping and dusting and mopping and washing that

and cleaning out those cabinets and hanging curtains and taking those things

down that are supposed to be... Oh!

Now I really feel bad.

Where's the pain, Pop? Is it in your heart? It was in my heart.

But after looking at you two, it moved further down.

They're crazy, but I'm all right now.

Well, is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?

Uh, yeah.

Why don't you get a few more of them screens, you know, and put them around

so we can have a little privacy?

Well, you don't sound like a very sick man to me, you know. And I'm not going

act like no sick man.

Okay, I'll tell you what. Now, if you promise to behave and to be quiet, you

a nice back rub. Would you like that?

Do a hard glove slap?

I like it from top to bottom, bottom to top, from side to side.

Any way you want to rub it, if you already mean it.

Okay, that's the deal, but you've got to promise to be quiet.

My lips are sealed.

Six men with two crowbars apiece. Six big strong men with a crowbar each.

Couldn't pry my lips apart.

Yeah, I believe it.

me? Yes.

Help, let me out of here.

These are my clothes. I got to get out of here. Mr. Sanford, you're going to

have to keep your voice down. This is a hospital, you know.

I know it's a hospital and you don't want to make people sick in here.

Help, get me out of here. I got to go home. Come on, Mr. Sanford.

Believe me, we want you to be tested and out of here sooner than you do.

Maybe you would like a mild tranquilizer to relax you.

No, just give me two bottles of Ripple and you won't even know I'm in here.

You can leave now, honey. I got company business.

Oh, Fred.

Fred, oh, Fred.

What's the matter, Greg? Are you sick?

Here's the toilet right here, but please use the one down the hall.

Oh, Fred.

Your son told me that you were in here with a bad heart.

I guess the big one finally caught up with you, didn't it, Fred?

What are you talking about, Brady?

First there was Wardell Jackson died.

And then Junior Cooper died.

They say it comes in threes, Fred.

I guess you're number three.

Will you shut up and listen to me? I'm not sick.

Oh, goodness. That's just what he did.

Listen, Grady, maybe you didn't hear me last time. Now, listen to me clear,

here. I'm only going to say it one more time.

I am not sick.

Well, once they get you in here, they'll find something wrong with you.

And they'll put it right on that chart there to put in your bed.

And look, Grady, you better go ahead and leave now, here, or you're really

making me sick.

Okay, Fred.

I'm going to take that.

Fred, let me look at you one more time.

I just don't like what them undertakers do to you.

All that lipstick and rouge.

You know, it makes you look kinder.

Oh, no.

Oh.

Oh. Hey, man, you shut up.

You and Grady both making me sick.

Ain't nobody can be that sick.

Or could he?

Your son is here to see you. Oh, good.

Send him in.

How are

you

feeling, Pop?

I feel pretty bad, son.

You know, you did the right thing when you brought...

I bet you ain't found a whole lot of stuff wrong with me.

And then again, they might not.

And just in case they don't, I've made up a little list of things for you to do

around the house when you get back home.

Uh -huh.

Like washing the windows and cleaning the truck and washing the floors.

Well, I don't want to bore you with that now. I'll show it to you when you get

home. Yes, son, you know, if I ever get back home, I'll do all the stuff you

want me to do right now.

Just in case I don't get back, you'll understand why I didn't do it.

Oh, yeah.

If they find something seriously wrong with it.

I think everything will be fine.

See, I thought it was the one next to the wall, didn't you?

No, it's this one.

It is?

Yes, sir.

You're going for a little ride.

Not until you tell me where and give me a ride. trip ticket.

They were having on television the other night in Public Enemy.

They took James Cagney for a little ride and he didn't stop until he got to the

cemetery.

Hey, come to see Max. Now, they probably came to take you for your test. Isn't

that right? Didn't you come to take him for his test?

Test? No, it's a little more than that.

It is?

It is?

Yeah, it sure is.

According to this... Listen, can we talk out in the hall for a minute? Sure. No,

no, no.

You can stay here and rest, Pop. Don't be worried.

No, no, no. It'll be all right.

Listen, I brought my father in here for some simple tests on his heart. Now,

what's going on? Where are you taking him? We're taking him to surgery.

Surgery? This isn't open -heart surgery, is it?

All we know is he's doing surgery in 20 minutes. Well, listen, are you 100 %

sure of this? Look, I'll be 20 % sure if you want.

Okay, well, can I have a few minutes with him alone before you take him away?

Sure.

What is it, son?

Pop, I didn't know, man. It was an apology.

An apology for what?

You didn't know what?

What do you look at me like that for?

Pop, I got a confession to make, man. When I told you I was getting married, I

lied. I'm not getting married. I just told you that so you'd have a heart

so I could get you in the hospital to have these tests.

You big, cold -blooded dummy.

I know that, Pop, and I'm sorry for it, but I didn't know how serious you were.

I didn't know how sick you were.

I told you I'm sick, didn't I?

Next time you're bleeding when I tell you, won't you? Yeah, Pop, but listen,

man. I want you to just relax and take it easy.

Everything's going to be all right, okay?

Now, just sit back and relax, Pop.

Can't relax.

Hey, wait a minute, man. What y 'all doing?

Hey, wait a minute. Look at your hands on my leg, mister.

Hey, wait a minute. I'm saying, brother, you're a brother. Don't be putting on

me like this. Look at this.

Oh, there must be some mistakes, son. Listen, Pop. Look, I haven't explained

to you. Pop, Pop.

Pop, listen, Pop. Listen, Pop.

Whatever it takes to get you out of here, you're going to get. I promise

Pop. No, but wait a minute, son. Where are they taking me?

They're taking you to surgery, Pop.

To who, Jerry?

Uh -uh. To surgery. They've got to operate on you. Ain't nobody operating

Put me down. Just relax, Pop. Just take it easy.

What's the problem in here? Hey, just wait a minute. May I ask you a personal

question?

Now, what's the trouble in here? Let me explain in here. Well, listen, Doctor.

They say they're taking my father to surgery, and I just brought him in here

some simple tests on his heart. Now, do they have to operate on his heart?

You're not even close.

It's not his heart.

Then what is it?

Well, he's scheduled for removal of hemorrhoids.

Take over now.

Hey, wait a minute. Stop.

Stop.

Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop I mean, I didn't know anything about my father having hemorrhoids.

that's what's indicated on his chart, Mr. Banks.

What?

Your father is Lester Banks, isn't he?

waited until you was in the operating room before you jumped up and split.

It took me that long to remember what hemorrhoids were.

And you were going to let them give you that operation too, wasn't you? Yeah,

well, it would have served you right for switching those bed charts like that.

Hey, you know something, Pop? We never did get those tests taken, man. I think

we should go back to the hospital.

I ain't going to no hospital. I feel fine.

Well, then don't turn on that TV set. You're well enough to watch TV. You're

well enough to do the work around here.

Work? What work? You know what I had on that list, like sweeping and mopping and

dusting and cleaning out that truck?

Oh.

Oh, son, I'm just having a serious arthritis.

Oh. Oh, really? It's an attack.

Oh. You know what?

It'll be just perfect for the broom.

Oh.

What is it, Pop? Is it the big one?

No, it's a whole lot of little ones.

But it's weakening me. All right, then. Let's get on down to that hospital.

Hospital? Yeah. Never mind.

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape for a live studio audience.