All language subtitles for Sanford & Son s03e17 Freds Cheating Heart

Sailor Man, boo -boo. I love to go
swimming with bow -legged women.

Popeye the Sailor Man, boo -boo.

Popeye is here.

Hey, son, you just missed the good part.

Popeye just got tommy points from a bad
can of spinach.

That's terrific. Where's my breakfast?

I knew I forgot something.

You forgot my breakfast?

No, I forgot my breakfast.

You can cook your own breakfast because
I'm taking the day off.

What do you mean you're taking the day
off? I'm tired.

I didn't get no sleep last night because
I had this heavy feeling on my chest.

I think it's my heart.

It wasn't your heart. That heavy feeling
on your chest was because you ate that

pot full of pig's feet and butter beans
last night.

Maybe so, but I was going to take it out
for myself, but I was afraid that I

might wake you when I burped.

Never mind. I'll deal with you after I
fix myself some breakfast.

Listen, son, while you're in there, fix
me a couple of eggs over easy. You know,

the yellow running.

Man, can't even enjoy Popeye by himself.

Good morning, sir.

I'm from the Heart Disease Foundation.
I'm collecting in the neighborhood.

Good luck.

Sir, won't you at least hear me out?

If you do, you're talking while you're
walking. Bye.

Sir, I bet you don't realize how serious
a problem heart disease really is.

And I bet you don't understand anything.

I'd say goodbye, vamos, adios, ciao, so
long, get your hat jacked, and don't you

come back tonight.

I'm not asking for much.

That's more than you're getting.

Donations are appreciated, sir, no
matter how little you give.

I gave at the office.

Well, isn't this your office?

Well, that depends.

It's my office. It's also my home.

A man's home is his castle.

That's why I imagine you to leave,
because I don't want no hassle in my

One day you're going to be sorry you
didn't give.

It won't be today.

Hey, Papa, who are you talking to?
Nobody.

It's somebody collecting for heart
disease.

Well, did you give him anything?

I'm not in favor of heart disease.

You talk to him. I'm going to fix me
some breakfast.

Say, brother.

Say, could you come back in the house
for a minute?

Thank you.

Hey, look, I'm sorry if my old man gave
you a hard time, but, you know, he gets

kind of cranky. Well, it's quite all
right. I'm used to it.

Most people don't seem to realize how
widespread heart disease really is,

especially among elderly black men like
your father.

Like my father?

Yes.

Heart disease is the number one killer
in America. But actually, most heart

attacks and related ailments, such as
strokes, are caused from hypertension.

Do you know that hypertension afflicts
30 to 40 percent of the black population

in America over 30 years of age?

For every black American that dies from
sickle cell anemia, over 100 will die

from a heart attack.

No, I didn't know that. Yeah. Say,
listen, Bled, why don't you come in and

down? I want to ask you some questions.
All right.

Is it possible for somebody to have,
say, three or four heart attacks a day?

Now, I sure doubt it. After the second
one, they'd probably be dead. Now, one

big one, and it's all over.

Then it's not likely that a person could
average, say, 26 big ones a week, huh?

No, no, that's unbelievable.

Yeah, I thought so, too.

Now, if this person claims to have that
many attacks, then there's a good chance

that they may be simulated.

Have you ever seen this person have a
heart attack? Oh, yeah, all the time.

person is like a father to me. Well,
does this person complain about a

tightening in the chest, pain in the
left shoulder and arm, dizziness,

All of that.

Well, then if I were you, I would have
this person thoroughly examined after

next attack. That way, if it's really a
heart attack, it'll show up when they're

given an electrocardiogram test.

Well, do you know a place where you
could get one of these tests?

Oh, yeah, certainly.

I think I have it here somewhere.

Yes, the nearest place to you would be
Our Lady of the Leaves Hospital.

Oh, yeah, I know that. They have a
cardiac alert department there that

patients 24 hours a day.

Oh, hey, thank you very much, brother.
That's all right. Hey, look, you might

not know this, but you've saved a very
valuable life.

You mean this person's? No, mine.

Here you go. Here's a dollar for the
heart fund.

Thank you very much. On second thought,
I feel generous. Make it two.

Oh, thank you. You know, if I could make
30 million more people as generous as

you, everybody would have a healthy
heart.

Well, good luck. All right. Okay.

Hey, Pop, you know, I was... Shh!

What are you doing? I'm trying to hear
if this cereal really goes snap,

and pop.

I can hear my snap and my crackle, but
they beat me out of some of my pops.

Say look I was gonna wait till the night
to tell you this, but I don't think I

should I'm gonna lay it on you now But
it's bad news tell me tomorrow.

Well remember you was the one that
always told me never to put off for

Wait a minute. I never did finish that I
want to say never put off tomorrow what

you can do day after tomorrow, so tell
me the answer tomorrow No, I'm gonna lay

it on you now Brace yourself pop you
break.

I'm great. All right. Here it is.

I'm getting married you what?

I'm getting married What happened? Did
you make some girl pregnant?

No, it's nothing like that.

Well, how could you keep something like
this to yourself?

When did you decide to do all this?

Yeah, I've been thinking about it for a
long time now, but I just recently

decided to do it. Well, is it Ethel and
Rogers?

No.

Well, did I ever meet her? Yeah, you met
her once.

Her name is Maria.

Maria? You don't mean Magic Fingers
Maria, the massage parlor?

Uh -oh, Manchester, Maine.

No, her name is Maria Fuente.

She's Julio's sister.

Julio, you live over there with the
goat?

Is that Julio?

One and the same.

You mean to stand there and tell me
you're going to marry a Puerto Rican?

That's right.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

It's already been arranged. But look on
the bright side of it, Pop. When we have

our first son, we'll name him after you.
We'll call him Frederico.

Manuel. Oh, no.

Wait a minute. Oh,

this is the biggest one ever.

You hear that, Elizabeth?

I'm coming to join you, honey.

With an invitation to a Puerto Rican
wedding.

What's the matter, Pop?

I'm having a heart attack. That's what's
the matter. Are you sure it's a heart

attack? Yeah, I'm sure it's a heart
attack. Well, we better get on right

the hospital.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hospital?
I ain't going to the hospital.

Well, Pop, you need medical attention.

I don't need no medical attention.

Yes, you do, man. You need medical
expert treatment. Now, they got a

alert department not too far from here
at Our Lady of the Leaves Hospital. Now,

come on. No, I don't need to go to the
hospital. I'm fine.

Just give me a glass of eye ripple of
the grapes.

You had a heart attack, didn't you? Now,
come on. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Where you say you're taking me? I
already told you, man. I'm taking you to

hospital. Now, we'll find out how bad
your heart is once they give you that

electrocardiogram test. Now, come on.
Now, wait a minute. Ain't nobody gonna

no electrocards on my heart now.

Now, come on.

Let me go.

Electricity be painless.

You ever see a guy jump out of an
electric chair and say, oh, that was

painless.

Pop, it's a precautionary measure. Now,
one day you're going to thank me for

this. Now, come on. Let's go.

Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Now, I really feel bad.

What is it, Pop? Is it another heart
attack? We better hurry up. Oh, wait a

minute. It's not that, son.

It's those pig feet and butter feet.

Come on, Pop. It's going to be painful.
No, no. Just relax.

Now, look. Here's your room. $3 .93.

Well,

come on. Let's go.

Oh, hell no. I ain't going in there.

Now,

let's just relax. This is going to help
you out. You're going to be fine.

Now, just relax. Just leave me alone.

Everything is fine, nurse. It's just the
old man's a little upset about being in

the hospital.

That's a lie. I'm a whole lot upset.

Mr. Sanford, these tests are for your
own good, but you aren't compelled to

them. I'm not? Of course not.

Bye.

Oh, no, you don't. Now, you're going to
stay in this hospital and get those

tests. Now, this is a nice room, Papa.
You'll be comfortable here. Oh, if you

like it so much, you stay here then.

Because I hate hospitals.

I hate the smell of hospitals.

All of them smell like Lysol.

They even cook with Lysol.

We should have all of your tests
completed in a few hours. Here, you can

this on, and I'll be back to see you in
a few minutes.

Why do I have to slip this thing on?

Oh.

he'd be sick or he wouldn't be in a
hospital.

It's probably here because his heart's
acting up on him.

How do you know that?

Well, because heart disease is very
common nowadays.

Did you know that hypertension and heart
disease kill more blacks than anything

else in America?

I didn't know that.

I thought it was the police.

Well, you're not going to have to worry
about any more heart attacks,

Pop, because they'll probably give you
some miracle drug to fix you right up.

Drug? Then I'll be a dope fiend.

I won't be Fred Sanford the junk man.

I'll be Fred Sanford the junkie.

Hey, Pop, you gotta think positive, man.
If the test proves that you got a bad

heart, you can rest and take it easy,
and I'll do all the work.

Well, just let me say, for some strange
reason, the test proved that I don't

have a bad heart. Well, in that case,
you'll be able to do some of the work

around the house, like sweeping and
dusting and mopping and washing that

and cleaning out those cabinets and
hanging curtains and taking those things

down that are supposed to be... Oh!

Now I really feel bad.

Where's the pain, Pop? Is it in your
heart? It was in my heart.

But after looking at you two, it moved
further down.

They're crazy, but I'm all right now.

Well, is there anything I can do to make
you more comfortable?

Uh, yeah.

Why don't you get a few more of them
screens, you know, and put them around

so we can have a little privacy?

Well, you don't sound like a very sick
man to me, you know. And I'm not going

act like no sick man.

Okay, I'll tell you what. Now, if you
promise to behave and to be quiet, you

a nice back rub. Would you like that?

Do a hard glove slap?

I like it from top to bottom, bottom to
top, from side to side.

Any way you want to rub it, if you
already mean it.

Okay, that's the deal, but you've got to
promise to be quiet.

My lips are sealed.

Six men with two crowbars apiece. Six
big strong men with a crowbar each.

Couldn't pry my lips apart.

Yeah, I believe it.

me? Yes.

Help, let me out of here.

These are my clothes. I got to get out
of here. Mr. Sanford, you're going to

have to keep your voice down. This is a
hospital, you know.

I know it's a hospital and you don't
want to make people sick in here.

Help, get me out of here. I got to go
home. Come on, Mr. Sanford.

Believe me, we want you to be tested and
out of here sooner than you do.

Maybe you would like a mild tranquilizer
to relax you.

No, just give me two bottles of Ripple
and you won't even know I'm in here.

You can leave now, honey. I got company
business.

Oh, Fred.

Fred, oh, Fred.

What's the matter, Greg? Are you sick?

Here's the toilet right here, but please
use the one down the hall.

Oh, Fred.

Your son told me that you were in here
with a bad heart.

I guess the big one finally caught up
with you, didn't it, Fred?

What are you talking about, Brady?

First there was Wardell Jackson died.

And then Junior Cooper died.

They say it comes in threes, Fred.

I guess you're number three.

Will you shut up and listen to me? I'm
not sick.

Oh, goodness. That's just what he did.

Listen, Grady, maybe you didn't hear me
last time. Now, listen to me clear,

here. I'm only going to say it one more
time.

I am not sick.

Well, once they get you in here, they'll
find something wrong with you.

And they'll put it right on that chart
there to put in your bed.

And look, Grady, you better go ahead and
leave now, here, or you're really

making me sick.

Okay, Fred.

I'm going to take that.

Fred, let me look at you one more time.

I just don't like what them undertakers
do to you.

All that lipstick and rouge.

You know, it makes you look kinder.

Oh, no.

Oh.

Oh. Hey, man, you shut up.

You and Grady both making me sick.

Ain't nobody can be that sick.

Or could he?

Your son is here to see you. Oh, good.

Send him in.

How are

you

feeling, Pop?

I feel pretty bad, son.

You know, you did the right thing when
you brought...

I bet you ain't found a whole lot of
stuff wrong with me.

And then again, they might not.

And just in case they don't, I've made
up a little list of things for you to do

around the house when you get back home.

Uh -huh.

Like washing the windows and cleaning
the truck and washing the floors.

Well, I don't want to bore you with that
now. I'll show it to you when you get

home. Yes, son, you know, if I ever get
back home, I'll do all the stuff you

want me to do right now.

Just in case I don't get back, you'll
understand why I didn't do it.

Oh, yeah.

If they find something seriously wrong
with it.

I think everything will be fine.

See, I thought it was the one next to
the wall, didn't you?

No, it's this one.

It is?

Yes, sir.

You're going for a little ride.

Not until you tell me where and give me
a ride. trip ticket.

They were having on television the other
night in Public Enemy.

They took James Cagney for a little ride
and he didn't stop until he got to the

cemetery.

Hey, come to see Max. Now, they probably
came to take you for your test. Isn't

that right? Didn't you come to take him
for his test?

Test? No, it's a little more than that.

It is?

It is?

Yeah, it sure is.

According to this... Listen, can we talk
out in the hall for a minute? Sure. No,

no, no.

You can stay here and rest, Pop. Don't
be worried.

No, no, no. It'll be all right.

Listen, I brought my father in here for
some simple tests on his heart. Now,

what's going on? Where are you taking
him? We're taking him to surgery.

Surgery? This isn't open -heart surgery,
is it?

All we know is he's doing surgery in 20
minutes. Well, listen, are you 100 %

sure of this? Look, I'll be 20 % sure if
you want.

Okay, well, can I have a few minutes
with him alone before you take him away?

Sure.

What is it, son?

Pop, I didn't know, man. It was an
apology.

An apology for what?

You didn't know what?

What do you look at me like that for?

Pop, I got a confession to make, man.
When I told you I was getting married, I

lied. I'm not getting married. I just
told you that so you'd have a heart

so I could get you in the hospital to
have these tests.

You big, cold -blooded dummy.

I know that, Pop, and I'm sorry for it,
but I didn't know how serious you were.

I didn't know how sick you were.

I told you I'm sick, didn't I?

Next time you're bleeding when I tell
you, won't you? Yeah, Pop, but listen,

man. I want you to just relax and take
it easy.

Everything's going to be all right,
okay?

Now, just sit back and relax, Pop.

Can't relax.

Hey, wait a minute, man. What y 'all
doing?

Hey, wait a minute. Look at your hands
on my leg, mister.

Hey, wait a minute. I'm saying, brother,
you're a brother. Don't be putting on

me like this. Look at this.

Oh, there must be some mistakes, son.
Listen, Pop. Look, I haven't explained

to you. Pop, Pop.

Pop, listen, Pop. Listen, Pop.

Whatever it takes to get you out of
here, you're going to get. I promise

Pop. No, but wait a minute, son. Where
are they taking me?

They're taking you to surgery, Pop.

To who, Jerry?

Uh -uh. To surgery. They've got to
operate on you. Ain't nobody operating

Put me down. Just relax, Pop. Just take
it easy.

What's the problem in here? Hey, just
wait a minute. May I ask you a personal

question?

Now, what's the trouble in here? Let me
explain in here. Well, listen, Doctor.

They say they're taking my father to
surgery, and I just brought him in here

some simple tests on his heart. Now, do
they have to operate on his heart?

You're not even close.

It's not his heart.

Then what is it?

Well, he's scheduled for removal of
hemorrhoids.

Take over now.

Hey, wait a minute. Stop.

Stop.

Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.
Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.
Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.
Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.
Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop I mean, I didn't know anything
about my father having hemorrhoids.

that's what's indicated on his chart,
Mr. Banks.

What?

Your father is Lester Banks, isn't he?

waited until you was in the operating
room before you jumped up and split.

It took me that long to remember what
hemorrhoids were.

And you were going to let them give you
that operation too, wasn't you? Yeah,

well, it would have served you right for
switching those bed charts like that.

Hey, you know something, Pop? We never
did get those tests taken, man. I think

we should go back to the hospital.

I ain't going to no hospital. I feel
fine.

Well, then don't turn on that TV set.
You're well enough to watch TV. You're

well enough to do the work around here.

Work? What work? You know what I had on
that list, like sweeping and mopping and

dusting and cleaning out that truck?

Oh.

Oh, son, I'm just having a serious
arthritis.

Oh. Oh, really? It's an attack.

Oh. You know what?

It'll be just perfect for the broom.

Oh.

What is it, Pop? Is it the big one?

No, it's a whole lot of little ones.

But it's weakening me. All right, then.
Let's get on down to that hospital.

Hospital? Yeah. Never mind.

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape for
a live studio audience.