Original subtitles

going to help me load this truck, or are you just going to sit there?

Well, since I got a choice, I'll just sit here.

Come on, Pop. Help me load the truck.

I would, son, but you know what I woke up with this morning?

Yeah, you woke up this morning with a little touch of arthritis.

No, I woke up with a big touch of arthritis, and my hand's locked.

Too bad your mouth doesn't lock.

You watch what you say to me, because I'll never forget.

This can turn into this.

And this is his twin brother.

Hey, Pop, I'm not going to load this truck all by myself. Now start picking

and putting on.

Okay, okay.

Put that back.

You say you want me to pick up and put on. I'm going to put on if I don't pick

up. Yeah, but not the tire.

Not the lamp, either.

Not the tie, not the lamp?

No, pick up something else and see, because all of this stuff is not ours.

of it belongs to Julio.

Well, what's Julio's stuff doing over here?

Well, he needed a place to put some of his junk.

Well, how much of this belongs to Julio?

Well, let me see.

That's Julio's, that's ours, that's Julio's, that's ours, that's Julio's,

this is ours. I know which is which.

Yeah, but I don't, and I want this stuff out of here.

I mean, I might accidentally sell some Puerto Rican junk.

And might wind up selling it to the guy it was stolen from.

Hey, Pop, Julio's junk is not stolen.

Then why is he hiding it over here in our yard?

I want it out of here.

What for? We got plenty of room.

But we won't have it if we don't stop it now.

That's how they move in.

A tie here, a lamp there.

Then you have a big wide brim hat in your living room.

And then... cockroaches in your kitchen and pretty soon your whole house is full

of Puerto Ricans.

I knew the real reason would come out. You're prejudiced. You're never going to

get used to the idea of Julio being our neighbor. Well, Julio is our neighbor

and my friend and he's not doing anything wrong.

But his junk is.

And I want it out of here. And I'm going to tell him. Hey, Julio!

Would you stop that?

Don't tell me to stop it. Tell Julio to stop it. He's the one who brought this

stuff over in my yard.

Hey, Julio!

Yeah, but it's not her. He's not hurting anything, man. His junk is not hurting

anything.

His junk is making our junk look like junk.

Hey, Lamar. Hey, who? Mr. Stanford.

Buenos dias, huh?

And beans and disease to you.

Hey, listen.

What's your stuff doing over here in my yard?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Look, I'm very sorry. about that, Mr. Sanford, but I'll tell

there is a very simple explanation.

What happened is that I've been getting in some big freezers and stoves and

stuff, you know, and I ran out of room over my place. So, if you wouldn't mind,

I'd just like to leave it here for a little while and I would appreciate it

mucho. I don't want it here and I want you to get it auto.

Okay, Mr. Sanford, do you mind if I leave it here for just one week then?

Well, I'll be fair with you.

I'll give you one week's free storage.

Hey, that's great. Thank you, man.

Now, since you've already been here seven days, Your week is up.

Adios, amigo.

Hey,

Pop, what are you making a big deal out of nothing for? Now, his stuff being in

our yard is not doing anything wrong here. Why don't you try being a good

neighbor for a change?

I am a good neighbor. I respect the property line, and that's what good

neighbors do.

Yeah, but Julio's got a problem.

I can't have it if he's a Puerto Rican.

We got a problem, too.

Listen, Mr. Zephyr, I don't want any trouble, man. It's okay. I will put my

stuff back on my own property, okay?

And you're another one.

And your mama.

Hey, what did you say, man?

I said, you're still in my yard. Keep on moving it, moving, moving on out. Wait

a second, man. This is not your yard. This is my yard. My property comes all

way over to here.

Oh, wait a minute. Let me explain something to you.

My property comes all the way over here.

Oh, no, no, no. You are mistaken, Mr. Stanford. My property comes right over

here. Look, Julio, I lived in this house before you ever got to this country.

And I know my property starts right over here.

Yeah, well, that's where I always thought it was, Julio. No, but I am

man. When I bought the house, the real estate man told me that my line was ten

paces from the house, which would put it just about here. All right.

You pace it off, then you'll see.

Look, it's okay, Mr. Stanford. I will take your word for it, okay? I'll move

stuff further back, all right? I don't want you to take my word for it.

Paste it off, and then we'll see who's right. He said he'd take your word for

it. I don't want him to take my word for it. I want him to paste it off and let

him see who is right.

Now, get the pastes in there, Julio.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

Hey, Julio, what are you trying to pull?

I'm not trying to pull nothing. I'm trying to count off ten pastes, but

in the way, man.

Well, you're not pasting good. You're still in my yard.

Something must be wrong with your pacer.

Look, man, I didn't get to ten paces yet.

That's because you're wrong.

The real estate agent probably said ten feet, not ten paces.

See, that's what happens when you're a foreigner coming to this country and

ain't learning to speak the English good.

Oh, look, look, it's not worth arguing over. Now, what difference does it make

few feet one way or another?

Because it's just the principle of the thing. That's what it is.

Because this is his land and this is my land.

I don't want nothing of his on my land.

Nothing can move me once I make my mind.

Hold it. Oh, no, wait a minute.

Get that killer out of here.

Yeah,

take him home.

Get him out of here.

And keep him out of my yard, or else you won't have no goat.

I'll have me a king -size goat burger.

And you, these twins, is waiting to meet your lip.

Hey, Papa Long.

Hey, sir.

I should have been out there to stop you. You got to park the truck out in

street. Why?

Because I got a surveyor coming here to show me the property line. So park the

truck. You mean you actually called a surveyor?

I actually called a surveyor. I let him show who your legal property line is.

Move the truck. You know, you're letting your prejudice get the best of you,

man. And one of these days, you're going to be sorry. And don't forget, I told

you so. And don't forget what I told you.

What? Move the truck.

That's the third beer now. Get the dope on me.

I'm going to leave you.

Mr. Sanford?

Mr. Sanford, you call for a surveyor?

What's your name?

Manuel Eduardo Esteban Gonzalez Rodriguez.

Nothing. Sit down. Let me ask you something.

Thank you.

Now, a survey is a survey, right?

That is correct.

Well, let's just suppose, for the sake of supposing, that one of the guys

involved in this survey, his name was, well, let's just pick a name at random.

His name was Fuente.

That wouldn't make no difference in the survey, would it?

Why should a person's name make any difference?

Yeah, that's what I always say.

Why should a person's name make any difference? The legal boundary comes

the county recorder. It cannot be changed.

That's good, Manny.

Hey, listen here. Could I get you something?

Maybe a nice cold glass of water.

We got some good water here, and you can drink it and don't have to worry about

Montezuma's revenge.

No, thank you.

Well, what did you say?

I sent my son down to get you some tacos and burritos and some of them

enchiladas. I used to eat them all the time at the bullfight.

Not me. I hate this stuff. It gives me heartburn.

Now, Mr. Sanford, if you will please sign this authorization paper so I will

proceed with the survey.

What do you want me to sign?

Right over here. This won't take long.

Okay.

Period.

Thank you very much.

Listen, let me ask you something.

Now, once we get the legal line established and someone comes and puts

stuff on my property, what can I do about it?

Anything you want. It's your land. You can even confiscate it.

You mean I can keep it?

You can keep it, sell it, throw it away, whatever.

But listen, what if the guy that puts it there, what if the guy that puts it

there comes over and tries to stop me?

You can have him arrested for trespassing. Really?

You know, me and you, I'll block each other pretty good, don't we?

Yes. Now, if you don't mind, I have to get on with my work.

All right.

Take it easy, Manny, baby.

Hey, son.

Did you find some way to park the truck? Yeah, but I just hope Julio doesn't

find out about what you did, man. It'd be embarrassing to have to tell him that

you call a surveyor.

Oh, listen, that's just the beginning.

I'm going to have him confiscated.

You can't do that. Who?

If I catch him trespassing on my land, I can have him arrested.

If I have him find him trespassing, I'll have him arrested and confiscated. I'll

confiscate him.

But where are you learning all these things from?

From the surveyor. He told me.

Listen, I don't care what he said. That stuff belongs to Julio, and you can't

take it. Don't tell me.

If he's on my property, I can confiscate that, and then I confiscate him, and

after I confiscate it, I'll coordinate it.

Yeah, Papa, that's not fair, man. It is. It's all legal. See, no man is above

the law unless he's president, and then it don't even work.

I just hope you don't ever need a favor from Julio.

What are you talking about, need a favor from Julio? You must be kidding.

What kind of favor could I get from Julio? What would I do, go over there

borrow a pair of them pointy -toed shoes?

You know, you're really a hard man, aren't you?

Oh, you don't know what you're talking about. I'm all finished.

That'll be $25.

Are you sharing the cost with the other party? No, I'm going to pay it all

myself, and it'll be well worth it.

Oh, please.

There you go.

Thank you.

Now, listen. Now that the legal line's been established, then everything's all

legal. That's right.

Mr. Sanford, be careful not to knock over the stakes, or you will not know

the true boundary line is.

Oh, yeah. Don't kick over the stakes.

Let me see.

I don't see no stakes over here.

They're right over here, on the boundary line.

The legal boundary line is over here? That's correct. This is your property.

And what about all this property over here?

This part is yours.

This belongs to the other fellow.

Well, goodbye and be careful with the stakes, huh?

Hey, wait a minute, Benny. This can't be right.

Yeah, but it's legal.

And you better come over here, Pop, because you're on Julio's property and

can have you arrested for trespassing.

Or maybe he'll confiscate you.

And coordinate you.

Yeah, you better come on over here, Pop.

Now you're on our property.

How do you like it?

Hey, good morning, Pop.

Morning, Sam.

Sit down. I got your newspaper here for you to read.

And I got you some good coffee. Just like you like it.

Hot and black.

And in your favorite cup with the crack in it.

Hey, why all the special treatment?

No special treatment.

Just wanted to fix you a good breakfast, that's all.

Here, here's some nice hotcakes.

Hey, with strawberry syrup.

Right. Favorite.

Here's some blueberry muffins to munch on.

And I also got some ham hocks and some grits and some rice -a -roni beanie.

Hey, that's all my favorite foods. And for breakfast. Yeah.

And for lunch, we're going to have chicken wings and mustard greens.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

And jello.

All right, okay, okay. Now, why the royal treatment?

No royal treatment. I just want to fix you a nice breakfast, that's all.

No, that's not all.

Yes, it is.

Ain't no law against me fixing you a nice breakfast.

No, but there is a law against bribery, and that's what you're trying to do.

You're trying to bribe me.

Who, me?

Why should I try to bribe you? You ain't no vice president.

You're trying to bribe me so that I won't tell Julio about the survey.

What survey?

Yesterday's survey, and it's not going to work.

Listen, son, come on over here and sit down. And listen, remember this.

What a person don't know can't hurt them. You know what I mean?

Yeah. It means that you don't want me to tell Julio about the survey.

It means that you're asking me to conceal evidence.

You're asking me to take part in a cover -up. I should move to have you

impeached as my father.

Listen, it's my survey, and I paid for the survey, and I can do whatever I want

with it. And what do you want to do with it?

Nothing.

But, Pop, it's not right to deprive a person of his property, man.

Well, Julio...

Didn't think he owned nothing in the first place.

And if he didn't think he had nothing, then he couldn't lose nothing. And

nothing plus nothing equals nothing.

Now, go ahead, son. Eat your bribery. I mean, your breakfast.

But, Pop, he's going to know something when he sees those tapes.

Don't worry about it. He won't see the tapes.

And why not?

Because I got up last night and moved them. And now everything is just like it

was. Wrong.

Huh? Because I figured you'd pull something like that, and I got up early

morning and put those stakes back where they originally were. You big dummy,

what you do that for?

Because those stakes tell us where the true property line is, and we've got to

live with the truth. Well, we'll lose the yard.

Yeah, but we'll have truth on our side. I'd rather have the yard.

No, Pop, it wasn't an earthquake. It's that when I put the stakes back, I moved

all our property. I moved all our stuff on our property. And to get the truck in

there, I had to clam it upside the house like that.

But look, the door is blocked.

Oh, look at the window.

Everything is blocked.

Oh, no, you big dummy. What you trying to do, block the house off? Yeah, well,

it's your own fault. If you hadn't gotten greedy and called that surveyor,

of this would have happened.

Yeah, but look, we can't live without a front door.

We got to go in and out.

Well, there's always the back door. Listen, I'm not going to argue with you

about it. I'm just going to move them sticks. I'm going out the back door.

Wrong again.

What? You can't use the back door either.

Give me one reason why I can't use the back door.

I'll give you two.

One, the back door is locked.

And two, I got the key.

Give me that key. Never.

Hey, what's going on, man?

Lay out this. I'll take care of this.

I was not.

See there?

He was so smashed, he don't even remember.

I was not. What is it, Julio?

I can't come in this way. The truck's in the way.

Well, come in the back door.

Okay, I'll come in on the back.

Hey, you big dummy, wait a minute.

Hey, listen.

Wait, don't say nothing to Julio about the survey.

Well, I'm not going to tell a lie.

I didn't ask you to tell a lie. Just be quiet and let me do it.

If you don't tell him the truth, I will.

Hey, Julio. Hey, Lamar, what's going on, man? Hey, Julio, good to see you. Come

right on in, sir. Sit down there.

Have a nice breakfast with us.

Breakfast? You're inviting me for breakfast?

Sure. That's a nice thing to do, man. Muchas gracias.

No, we don't have no grass.

Nothing.

We don't have no grass, but I'll get you some shredded wheat. Great, man.

Now, that's a step in the right direction, Pop. Now, take another one

Julio what you did.

I'm too busy fixing Julio's breakfast.

All right, then I'll tell him. Look, Julio, this is what happened, man. Wait

minute, man. I'll tell him. I'll tell him. Look, Julio, you remember yesterday

when I told you to get all your stuff off my property?

Oh, yes, yes. And I want to tell you that I am sorry and I am moving it all

today. Listen, don't even worry about that. Just leave the stuff where it is

because I don't care. It's just big. Just leave it right there. Yeah? This is

what happened, Julio. See, yesterday, he came into the house. You ain't got to

tell him. He don't know.

I want to be a good neighbor. And you were right. Good neighbors respect

property lines.

Don't talk with a bunch of stuff in your mouth. Eat another muffin.

I say that we drop the whole thing. You know, just try to be good neighbors.

Let bygones be bygones. Yeah, we will forgive and forget.

We will live and let live.

We will show and tell.

This is what happened, Julio. He called a survey over there, and now we know

where the true property line is. Hey, you had a survey, huh? Yeah, come on,

show you. Great. No, sit down now. Sit down, Julio. Now, look, I thought we had

this all settled now. Now, why should we quibble over entity one way or the

other? Oh, yeah, but now that we know definitely where the line is, there will

be no more quibbling, right?

Listen, and besides, I don't want to have any of my things on your property.

Hey, you don't have to worry about that.

Yeah, listen, from now on, we will both keep our own things on our own property,

and the stakes will show us where the line is. Que bueno, eh?

The stakes.

They get those stakes before they get me.

They beat me to the stakes, then they'll know who's talking.

You're not going to believe how much property you got, man. Yeah? You mean

survey showed my property line came to where I thought it did? Hey, not only

that, the survey showed that your land came all the way over to here.

Hey,

man, are you kidding? I don't believe it. You mean all this is mine and that

little bit is over there? That's yours? That's right.

I don't believe it.

You know, something bothers me, though, man.

Your father, I mean, knowing your father the way I think I did, how come he

didn't come out here and move...

Since we stopped I think now would be a good time to get a few things straight

what

Well, like apologizing to Julio for always putting him down and talking bad

about Puerto Ricans. Oh, man, he don't have to do that. He does if he wants to

get out of there.

Well, what do you say, Pop?

Do you promise to stop putting Julio down and bad -mouthing Puerto Ricans?

I promise.

Hey, wait a minute, Lamar. Maybe just one more little thing, huh? Oh, hey,

Julio's got just one more little thing.

What was that? Well, Mr. Sample, would you do me a favor and say, Theo?

Huh?

You heard what the man said. Say tío.

Say tío.

You're not going to say it?

Well, come on, Julio.

See you tomorrow, Pop. Okay, so long, Mr. Temple. We'll see you later.

Hey, Pop, me and Julio didn't hear you. Tio.

Tio!

Tio!

That's nice, right?

I said Tio, not Chico, you big goat burger.

I'll have my newspaper now, if you don't mind.

Well, I do mind.

Getting your newspaper wasn't one of the promises I had to make.

No, but watching what I wanted to watch on television was. And if you don't get

my newspaper, I might not feel like watching roller derby tonight.

Roller derby? I'll get your newspaper for you.

Where's my newspaper?

I'll get it for you as soon as I take care of something else. What's the

problem? All those promises.

I only asked you to be nice to Julio.

Yeah, and you made me promise to be nice to Chico, too.

Well, what's so hard about that?

He's in the yard.

And if I hadn't promised you that I'd be nice to him, I'd chase him out of here.

Why? What's he doing?

Why? You don't know?

Well, if you go out in the yard, I hope you don't have no shoes on.

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.