All language subtitles for Sanford & Son s03e08 A house is not a Pool Room

Say, I'm sorry about the movie, Donna,
but I thought PG meant pretty good.

No, PG means they suggest parental
guidance.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I'm an orphan.

It did have a lot of sex and violence in
it. Yeah, you know, in the old days,

they didn't mix it up like that. See, if
you wanted violence, you went to see

James Cagney or Humphrey Bogart. And if
you wanted sex, you went home.

The old movies?

Yeah, me too. You know, like Mickey
Rooney and Love Finds Andy Hardy.

If they made that same movie today,
they'd have to call it Love Finds Andy

Naked.

Is it getting late?

No.

As a matter of fact, I was wondering if
I had time to come in for a minute.

You mean come in the house?

May I?

Yeah, sure.

And Donna, that movie didn't give you no
idea, did it?

Fred!

No, come on in, honey.

Yeah, well, this is wonderful.

Hey, you know, hey, look.

All the light's out.

I guess Lamont went to bed early.

And we had the front room all to
ourselves.

And Donna, you don't think I'm a dirty
old man, do you?

No, Fred. I don't think of you as old at
all.

Come on.

Surprise!

Hey, we surprised you, didn't we? You
almost surprised me to death.

This is just wonderful. All my friends
and loved ones remembered my birthday.

That's just crazy.

Hey, you were there on this, weren't
you? Of course I was.

You son of a gun, you.

I should have known that you had set me
up for this. That's why you wanted to

come in now. Happy birthday, Fred.

Hey, that's just wonderful.

I mean, you know, all your friends here.

That's just great.

Hey, wait till you see your present,
Pop.

Oh, you don't have to give me no
present, son.

Just having all my friends here
together, that's present enough for me.

Where'd you get me?

It's a pool table.

Hey, of course it's a pool table, and
it's all yours. Sir, this is great. This

is the best present you could give me.

I mean, I slept on them, and I played on
them, but I never owned one.

Here you go, Pop. Your own personal cue
stick.

Hey, you remembered everything.

Well, if you're going to do something,
you might as well do it right. Hey, why

don't you shoot a game, Pop? Yeah, sir.
I sure will.

Thanks. That's what I'm going to do.
Hey, fellas, get ready for some real

shooting now.

This is your table, Fred. We'll let you
break them. Yeah, because it might be

the last. Last time you touched the
balls tonight.

Listen, Brady, I whipped you like I was
your daddy.

Okay, y 'all heard him.

All right, I got him first. Get on down
there and break the ball. Excuse me.

Excuse me a minute, honey.

I won't be but a minute. And you can
watch me if you want to.

It won't take me long. I just want to
show the fellas a few trick shots that I

learned from Minnesota Fat Dog.

Come on, break, Brad. You can't toss the
balls into the bucket. Five dollars a

bet. Bet.

Yeah, I think so. Now I won't have to
worry about Pop when I go out at night.

You're a good son, Lamont.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, so you're still at it, son?

Yeah, son.

Watch this shot.

Hey, you're getting good.

Yeah, I've been practicing all day.

Son, I don't know how to thank you for
this pool table.

You're a good son, Lamont. Yeah, I think
so.

Hey, Pop, I'm glad you're enjoying the
table, but I hope you're not going to

it keep you from doing your work around
here.

No, no, no. I've been coordinating all
day.

And I also hope that you pick something
to eat, man, because I'm starving.

I've been cooking all day.

Food's in the oven. And while you're in
there, I'll get you a beer out of the

refrigerator.

I don't miss that shot. It's my main
shot.

Say, what's this?

Uh, well... It's called executive
privilege.

But if you saw me move the ball, it's
called cheating.

Pop, I'm not talking about pool. I'm
talking about this creature from the

Lagoon.

Hey, that's one of them frozen dinners.
It's burnt.

Now, I know why it's burnt. It's burnt
because you're too busy out here playing

pool to look after it. Go ahead, admit
it.

I ain't admitting nothing. Who do you
think you are, Sam Urban?

Would you get that, son? I'm going to
see if I can make this shot.

Hey, let's get it on.

Let's get it on.

Hey,

how you doing?

Lamont?

Lamont?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, move over, Buzzard, and let a man
who knows how to play play.

Move me over, chump.

All right, get ready, Freddy, because I
got some trick shots you ain't seen

before. They used to call me Shady
Grady. And when Grady gets through with

it's my turn. I can roll you big fat
guys up into one big round ball and use

for a cue stick and beat both of you.

What's the matter?

Wait a minute, fellas. Wait for me.

Now, look, how long are these guys going
to be here anyway?

I guess they'll be here until they
leave.

Hey, all right. Now, y 'all watch this.
Hey,

Fred, are you playing?

Now, come on over here, will you please?

Hello?

Yeah, just a minute.

Leroy? What?

You're wanted on the telephone.

Well, can't you take a message?

Would you get over here and answer this
phone?

Now, listen, Leroy, I gotta make a very
important phone call. Now, would you cut

this short? Just make it quick. Well,
let me see who it is first.

Hello?

Would you excuse me, Lamont? This is
private.

Now, what was you saying, man?

Hey, uh, hey, where's this guy?

Hey, still, still, will you take your
belly off the table?

Just take your belly off the table.

You don't need to put a cue ball in your
navel.

Who's in the bathroom?

Who's in the bathroom?

Bubba's in the bathroom. Well, I hope
he's not going to be in there long

I've got to shave.

Well, I think you had to wait a while
because you took the magazine with you.

Hey, did you get that, son? Get that for
me. It's my shot now.

Oh, hi, Johnny. Come on in. Good
evening, Lamont. Say, did you have a

Pop today?

Why, yes. Didn't he mention it?

No, and I hope you're going someplace
where you can take a pool table.

Oh, he's really enjoying it, isn't he?
Yeah, he'd rather shoot pool than sleep.

Well, at least you know your money was
well spent.

Fred? You big... I didn't know that was
you.

I didn't see you come in.

Who about to wait, Fred? No, no, wait a
minute. I'll get that shot over again.

She made me miss. You missed. You
missed.

Fred, I came over here to see you. We
had a date. Don't you remember?

Yeah. Come here, Donna. Come here a
minute.

Excuse me a minute, fellas.

Leroy.

I'm talking to Detroit.

Uh -huh. You'd better get dressed if
we're going out.

Where are we going tonight?

Going? We're here.

Here? The kitchen?

Fred Sandford, I did not get all dressed
up to come over here to sit in the

kitchen. Well, I just can't up and run
away from my friend. That'd be ill

-mannered. Well, what about me?

Well, I ain't gonna run away from you
either. But how are you gonna manage

Well, that'll be easy. See, I'll go in
there with them, then I'll come back in

here and visit with you.

Excuse me a minute, darling. I'll be
back in a minute.

Sit down, honey.

Sit down.

Hey, sir.

Hey, listen to my... Talk to Donald.

Talk to Donald for me. Talk to us, sir.

I'm beginning to see what you mean.

Yeah, he's turning this house into a
pool room. I can't even shave in my own

bathroom, and I got a date coming over
here in a few minutes. You, uh, gonna

shave in the kitchen?

I got to.

Bubba's upstairs in the bathroom, and
he's got the Christmas issue of Ebony

magazine.

become obsessed with that pool table.

We had a date tonight, but if it's going
to be like this, I don't know.

Yeah, well, I know.

It's either us or that pool table.

What do you mean?

That pool table has got to go.

See, darling, I didn't forget our date.

I got to go, honey.

Wait a minute.

See, I'll do that to you, but I won't do
that to them. You know what I mean?

I'll be right back. Just keep puckered,
and I'll be right there.

Talk to you in a minute.

Talk to you later.

Say, don't you hear the phone ringing?

Yeah, son.

Why don't you get there? I'll see if I
can make this shot.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Donna. Just a second. Hey, Pop,
it's Donna.

Tell her I'm indisposed.

He says he's too busy playing pool to be
bothered with you.

Just tell her I'll call her back in a
minute, dummy.

He said he'll call you back later,
Donna.

Look, don't worry about a thing. I know
how to put a stop to this.

Okay.

Hello?

No, I'm not accepting no charges from no
Cha -Cha Hogan in Detroit.

Leroy don't live here.

Hey, Lamont, why is this shot here?

Yeah, you're becoming a regular Central
Avenue fat.

You're a good son, Lamont.

You're a good son.

I think so.

Would you get the door, good son?

Who wants to play devil one?

Anybody want to win?

Okay. All right, let's take off where we
left off last night.

You didn't get beat bad enough last
night, huh, Grady? You were just lucky

night. What do I mean, lucky?

Grady, I could beat you blindfolded, one
arm tied behind me and the other one in

the cast, wearing army shoes in the
hospital, having an emergency

a few snacks for your friend. A few
snacks? Yeah, a few snacks.

Hey, fellas, look here. When that runs
out, there's more in the kitchen.

Hey,

and there's some booze in the cabinet.

Listen, what's the matter

with you giving away all my food?

Pop, if you're going to have friends
over here, you've got to give them a

something to eat.

Not them friends.

Them bellies are...

You never saw me that.

Every time the elbow bend, the mouth fly
open.

Son, they are dangerous.

Pop, Jesus fed the multitudes with four
fish and a loaf of bread.

But he couldn't feed that bunch with
four whales and a truckload of bread.

That was a nice snack, Lamont.

You got any toothpicks?

No, we ain't got no toothpicks. We ain't
got nothing. Oh, that's all right.

Never mind.

Lamont, you're going to eat my broom.

Hey, Pop, look, I got to run down to the
supermarket and get some more

refreshments. Let me have five dollars.

Five dollars for what?

For some more refreshments for your
friends.

Hey, all y 'all coming back tomorrow,
aren't you? I ain't leaving.

Well, you better make it ten, Pop. Come
on, let me have the money.

You know, somehow this ain't working out
the way I thought it would.

Here. I think it's working out fine.

Hey, Fred, you out of scotch?

You out of your mind.

I had an old bottle of scotch.

Huh? I had an old bottle of scotch in
that cabinet.

That's what I'm saying.

But now, you out.

Hey, Grady.

Come here, Grady. It's you, sir.

Oh, my Grady.

Grady, I can talk to you. See, you're my
friend, and I can talk to you. You

ain't one of them eaters.

Grady, don't suck your teeth while I'm
talking to you.

Grady, I got to get rid of that damn
pool table.

Why?

Why? I can't keep filling them big
bellies up every night.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid when they finish eating all
that, they're going to start putting

and pepper on my furniture.

Brady, don't suck your teeth, please.

Have a straw, Brady.

Have a bunch of them, Brady.

But don't suck your teeth while I talk.

Did you bring it? Yeah, he's right
outside.

Dummy, you wake the other dummy up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Listen, remember, we got to be quiet.
Now, come on over here and get the table

outside. Okay, open the door.

Wait, fool, wait.

I thought you said you was in a hurry.

I am in a hurry, but I'm not trying to
break the sound barrier.

Now let's try it again and take it easy.

Wait, wait.

What's wrong now?

It ain't going to have to do at this
angle. Move yours counterclockwise.

Counter who?

It ain't going in this way.

Turn it over on the side.

And don't drop it. All right.

Easy.

Okay.

Now, come on. All right.

Well, it ain't going that way either,
Fred. The legs are too long.

Listen, did y 'all have as much trouble
getting it in here? No, it was easy.

We did it like this.

Fred, meet, uh, uh, uh... Otis, man.
Yeah.

Meet, uh, Otis. Hiya, Fred.

Shh.

Hey, hey. What's wrong? Ain't nothing
wrong.

Listen, here's the pool table Grady was
telling you about.

Grady said it was a good table.

It's used, isn't it? Yeah, it's used.

A table like this in the store costs you
200 bucks. What do you want for it?

200 bucks.

I thought you said that's what it would
cost in the store.

What do you think I'm running here, a
taco stand?

Maybe we better forget it. Wait a
minute.

Give me $100.

I'll give you $75.

$90. $75.

$80. $75.

Wait a minute.

$75? Why don't you say it on the first
page? Give it here.

He thanks a lot for helping me get rid
of the pool table.

You know, I'll miss that pool table. I
had a lot of good times on it. Yeah.

Say, Fred, how are you going to give the
money back to your son without him

knowing that you sold the table?

I ain't going to give it back to him.

But he paid for the table.

Who he buy it for?

For you.

Who got the money?

You got it.

Case closed.

Fred, that don't sound right to me.

Well, you can go now, Greeny. I can
handle it from here.

All right. And watch yourself. Be
careful. All right. Take it easy, Fred.

night now.

Oh, yeah. Okay, hold up.

What were you doing down here this time
of night alone anywhere?

Oh, son, I couldn't sleep.

So I came down here and shoot a little
pool.

And then these guys bust through the
door. And what did you do? I just fought

them, son. You should have saw me.

I fought them. You mean to tell me you
fought five guys by yourself? Yeah, it

must have been the tiger in my blood.

See, they had me back up against the
wall.

I was back up against the wall.

And I saw you with those feet in my
hand.

You know, like that dude on Kung Fu.

And that's the only thing that saved
them.

Pop, why didn't you call me sooner, man?
If the two of us had been down here

fighting, maybe we could have saved the
pool table. The action was too heavy for

a youngster.

Pop, you could have been killed.

Slaughtered. But I didn't think about
that.

I thought about it. I just felt like an
eagle protecting his nest.

Well, the important thing is that you're
all right, Pop.

I'm fine, John. Okay, let's go back to
bed.

Yeah, let's... Hey, wait a minute.

What's that?

It's money.

It's not mine. It's not yours. You know
what I think, Pop? I think during the

fight, one of the burglars dropped this
out of his pocket.

$75.

You know, that's just what I paid for
the pool table.

You know what that means, don't you,
Pop? Yeah, somebody's going to be crying

about sending that out.

No.

That means that we broke even. We really
didn't lose anything.

We didn't? No.

You know, somehow I feel a definite
sense of loss.

See, what's that? Is that you I smell?

Yeah, you like it?

Know what it is?

Lysol?

No, it's a new cologne called Savage
Beast.

Well, who are you going out with
tonight, anyway? A water buffalo?

No, I got a date with Donna. Come over
here and sit down, son, because she's

going to be here in a minute.

And it's something I want to talk to you
about before she gets here.

Now, look.

I'm out of a birthday present, and I
think I ought to get something.

So what you want, another pool table?

No, not that.

Then what?

Well, cash is always nice.

Cash? Yeah, you know, like that cash
them burglars dropped on the floor?

Hey, Pop, that was house money. Now, I
found that money in the house. It's

money. Yeah, but I ain't got no birthday
present.

Shouldn't I get something?

Well, since it was your birthday and
your present, I guess you're entitled to

the money.

Thank you. Thank you, Lamar.

That's Donna Knott. Ain't you got
nowhere to go? Why don't you try to make

yourself scared?

No. You ain't got nowhere to go?

Go somewhere.

Donna. Hello, Fred.

Hi, honey. Hello, Lamar. Hello, Donna.

Uh, that's good, darling, too.

Hey, listen.

How should we start the evening? You
want to begin by watching a little

Cronkite?

Television? But I thought we were going
out to dinner and then to a movie.

Well, you know those restaurants are so
expensive and cost so much to go to the

movie. Well, what difference does it
make with all that money you got?

What money?

Oh, you didn't know?

No.

Pop just recently fell into 75 hours.

to $75?

Well, come on. Let's go out and
celebrate.

Come on.

I hope you fall into something, dummy.

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape for
a live studio audience.