Original subtitles

Fred Sanford. That's S -A -N -F -O -R -D, period.

I would now like to do my imitation of the ink spots.

And here it is.

If I didn't care.

If I didn't care. More than words can say.

More than words can say. If I didn't care. I didn't care.

Would I feel this way?

And would I be sure that this way? Honeydew?

Honeydew mellow. Would all this be

true? Would all this be true, darling?

If I didn't care for you?

I said, what are you doing playing with this tape recorder?

You're supposed to be cleaning it and polishing it so we can sell it.

I'm not playing with it. I'm just testing it out. You're just wearing it

Now, where's my breakfast? It should have been ready 15 minutes ago.

See, don't tell me that's my breakfast burning over there while you're sitting

here playing with your stapler. No,

this is not your breakfast burning.

This is my breakfast. Your breakfast burned 15 minutes ago.

Have your breakfast ready in a minute.

Never mind. I'll get my own breakfast.

Get out of that refrigerator.

You're going to mess the thing up.

Well, I just want to get something to eat.

Well, if you want something, I'll get it for you.

This is my refrigerator. I don't want nobody messing with it. This is my

kitchen. I don't want nobody messing around with it either. Well, I'm not

anybody. I bought half the food in there.

Well, I coordinated all the food in there.

I know just where everything is. Look at that. You messed up already.

You got the gravy where the milk ought to be.

Well, what's the difference?

Ask me what's the difference late one night when you be standing there

a glass of gravy.

is going to have my breakfast.

What do you mean you're going to Julio's and have breakfast? Well, his mother

will have breakfast on the table and she won't be fooling around with a tape

recorder. You can't eat that kind of food. All she cooks is Puerto Rican

So? So you can't eat Puerto Rican food. You're American.

Why not?

Because you ain't had your shots yet.

Do you know what you're talking about?

Son, come here. Let me tell you something.

Now, if the Lord had intended for you to eat Puerto Rican food, he'd have lined

your stomach with Pepto Bismol.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Just sit on down, son. Eat some cereal. Wait a

minute. I'll get some cereal for you.

Listen, and besides, what's the big rush?

Well, I'm in a hurry because I got a lot of work to do today.

A lot of work? That's right.

What's so different about today?

Well, Julio and I got a little business deal that we're working on together.

Julio and you got a business deal?

Correct. Only business they know is passing out them south of the border

joints.

Do you want to hear about this or not?

Okay, okay.

Well, what it is is that, see, Julio's been bringing in a lot of tires lately,

and I've been bringing in a lot of used automobile parts. And we're going to

combine our resources and specialize in selling used auto parts. It'll be like a

sideline business.

This is your business.

It's happening, son.

This is both our business.

Pop will still have this business.

Listen, but I built this empire for you.

What you gonna name your business? Have you decided yet?

Is it gonna be Julio and Son or Son and Fuente?

I'll tell you what you should call it.

Julio and Damn Fulio.

Now, would you stop that and listen to me? Now, we still have Sanford and Son.

It's just that Julio and I are forming a little partnership that might pay off

for us in the future.

Well, go ahead.

I won't be around much longer.

to sell some used auto parts. Now, it's no big deal.

Hey, I'm on. You ready, man?

Yeah, I'll be right there, Julio.

Listen, son. See what you just said?

I'll be right there.

Yeah. You'll be right there, and I'll be right here. Wait a minute.

I'll be right here, you know, abandoned, alone, dead in a junkyard at the tender

age of 66.

A man in his...

Kaput. Kaput.

What a waste.

Are you finished?

Yeah. Thank you very much.

Am I authorized?

Hey, Julio. Hey, Lamont. Ready, man?

Hey, Mr. Sanford. Hey, did Lamont tell you the good news, man?

No, he told me you and him was going to do business together.

That's the good news.

Lamont and I are going to make a great team, man, because Lamont has a sharp

and a strong back. Yeah, and Julio's got quick brains and good hands.

Yeah, and y 'all both put them together, and you're going to both lose your...

Pop!

Hey, what's the matter, Mr. Tampa? I mean, sounds like you don't care for

idea. El correcto.

But why, man? It's going to be very successful, man. We're going to make

money. We're both going to work very hard, man. Yeah. You see, selling the

is just the start.

Later on, we're going to get into the automotive repair business because I'm a

good mechanic.

Who said you were a good mechanic?

All my friends.

All your friends? Yeah. What does he know?

Oh, man, I got a lot of friends, and I fix all their cars.

Yeah, Puerto Rican cars, but you don't know nothing about American cars.

What are you talking about? There's no such thing as a Puerto Rican car. Now,

what's a Puerto Rican car?

Same as a Mexican car. It won't start.

Oh, I'm so glad you have not left yet.

Here, take this.

Ay, mami, you didn't forget the sandwiches for lunch? Gracias, mami. Un

caray. Ven pa 'ca. I knew you would get hungry later.

Buenos dias, Mrs.

Sanford.

Bonanese to you, too.

Uh -oh, he's in the rest of his family.

Back off, you beast.

Ven pa 'ca, chico, caray. Ven pa 'ca. Mira, tenlo tuyo. How did you get loose?

If he answers that, ask him, what's the capital of South Dakota?

Take him home. You better be careful, because he's dangerous at both ends.

There they are.

The four new business partners.

Fuentes, Fuentes, Chico, and Domo.

Hey, Julio, I'll get us a couple of beers before we have to... Oh, that's

man. Hey, Pop, I'm home. Are you in here?

Hey, Lamar. Huh?

Here's a note for you, man. What?

Please turn on the tape recorder, your father, Fred Sanford.

Okay.

Dear son, this is your father speaking.

You still remember me, don't you?

The one with the weak heart and a bad case of arthritis.

Even though I never let that interfere with cooking your breakfast every

or coordinating all this stuff, so it all belonged to you when I'm gone.

And now I'm gone.

This is goodbye.

You'll never see me again.

I don't want to stand in your way.

You got to live your own life. If you want to live it without me, that's okay.

So I'm just going to say my last farewell.

Farewell.

tears from my eyes as i talk but i can't hardly blow my nose at the same time it

won't be long now before i'll be with your mother up in that big salvage yard

the sky while you're down here trying to sell used cars with a puerto rican and

i just want to wish you luck because when you go as busy with a puerto rican

you're gonna need all the luck you can get i'll just sign off now and say

goodbye and god bless you son And don't bother looking for me because I'm going

for good.

P .S.

You can have these tapes for your own private use, but keep them in your

and do not release them to anybody because somebody might misinterpret them

that would threaten the security of our junkyard.

about get something to eat, man, after you hear that?

Man, your father just said he has left you for good. Hey, that's a bunch of

baloney. Every time he wants to get his own way, he pulls a stunt like that.

Now, he's probably down at the bar someplace drinking, and he thinks I'm

to sit alone here at home and worry about him, but I'm not. Let's go eat.

mean he would lie to you, man?

El correcto.

Okay, man, if you think it's nothing serious, but I'll tell you, man, that

scares me.

Oh, hi, Grady. Come on in.

Hi, uh...

Gritty Pop's not here right now. Yeah, I know.

I came by to pick up his Bible.

Pick up his Bible? What for?

He said he needs it for his meal ticket in eternity.

Okay, Gritty, what bar is he at?

Oh, he's not at a bar, Lamar. He moved out.

He did not.

Yes, he did.

Just look around.

He moved out.

Really did, huh? Yeah.

Hey, Toby's suitcase is gone.

He moved out.

If his Pluto water's gone, he's gone.

Say, all his things are gone. He moved out. I told you, he moved out.

All right, Grady, where is he?

I don't know. He moved out.

Grady, you're not telling the truth. Pop told me that every time you stutter,

that means you're not telling the truth.

must know something. You came here to pick up his Bible. Now you've got to

something. Well, maybe I do, but I can't tell.

And why not?

I took a solemn oath on the Bible.

How could you take an oath on the Bible when the Bible is still here?

Well, that's not the only Bible. There was a Bible at Mercy Mission on Main

Street.

Is that where he's at? The Mercy Mission on Main Street?

I took a...

Solomon's on the Bible that I wouldn't tell you that he's at the Mercy Mission

on Main Street.

349 West Main.

The Northwest Corner.

So that's where he's at. The Mercy Mission on Main Street.

I'll never tell.

He actually moved out, Julio. He's fit. And of all the places for him to go,

he's in a flop house.

Can you dig that? He's in a flop house.

Uh, P .S. again.

Too bad people have to grow old useless and unwanted.

Know what I mean?

Yeah. Nobody cares about them except us. And we even don't care about them

unless they can come up with 50 cents a day.

I thought it was 35.

That's without a pillow.

Hey, Sanford, you got company.

Thanks a lot.

Lamont, that's our associate director.

How'd you know I was here?

Gravy told me. What are you trying to pull, Pop?

Grady swore on the Bible right here in the mission that he wasn't going to tell

nobody. What took you so long?

Pop, would you knock this off now? Come on, let's go home.

Home? This is home.

Ever since I got kicked out of my own place.

Now, nobody's forcing you to stay in a 50 cent a night flophouse.

35 cents without a pillow.

Excuse me a minute.

in Washington, D .C.

before that stuff started.

I could be in one of them 25 -cent places, but I pay my own way because I

want people to think that I'm cheap.

I may be old, but I'm still full of pride.

You're full of something, all right.

Just how long do you plan on staying here?

Well, at 35 cents a night, I got 200 bucks.

Now, at 35 cents a night, that's...

75 goes in 10 .2.

Carry the one.

Divided by six.

Now, I can be here almost two years.

And then what?

Then they kick me out of the street.

Then nobody sees me for a real long time.

And I'll be known as the Howard Hughes of Watts.

You know, you are one stubborn old man. You know that?

That's the dinner bell.

Hey, you guys want to eat? You get your plates and let's go.

Yours is getting cold.

See, he's our chef and maitre d' too.

See me.

Also have wine with our dinner.

See, this is the special blend that he picks here. It's Manischewitz and

We call it Manischipple.

You should see the place he's staying in, Julio. It's disgusting.

Hey, man.

You should not leave your father in such a place.

What am I supposed to do, man? He doesn't want to come home.

Well, maybe if you apologize, man, and look, tell him our partnership is

dissolved. Maybe he'll come back. I'm not going to do that. That's exactly

he wants me to do. If I did that, Julio, I'd never hear the end of it. Man, you

are both so stubborn.

I'll tell you something, man. If that was my father in a place like that, I

would give in and apologize.

If that was your father in a place like that, so would I, because I wouldn't

have to live with him afterwards.

Lamont!

Oh, hello there, Mr. Fuentes.

Lamont, did your father come back yet?

No, he's still at the mission.

That is too bad. I had such a special dinner tonight I was going to cook for

him, especially for him.

Pata de puerco a la Puerto Rico. Oh, man, that's Puerto Rican -style pig's

knuckles. I never heard Puerto Rico so full before.

Oh, man.

That is because not many people will make it. You see, you need to have the

pig's feet and the chicken and the pork and the sausages and the tomatoes,

olives and onions.

Oh, and many, many... And all of it, man, goes in at the same time.

And before you are finished, every pot and pat you have is a mess. You are a

mess. And the whole kitchen is a mess.

There is why nobody will make it.

Nobody can stand the mess.

That's true. But I'll tell you something, man. You taste it. I got it,

worth the mess, right, mother? I see. Oh, man.

It is a shame we cannot have it.

Hey, Mrs. Fuentes, why don't you plan on making that meal after all?

But what do we have to celebrate?

My father's return.

He'll be home tonight, I guarantee it. But listen, just one thing. I want you

cook it all in our kitchen. You know, with the pots and pans and the whole

I didn't see you come in.

Hey, Pop, what you doing?

I just read the Ten Commandments.

You know, it's better than the movie.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Don't sit down here yet.

Gotta try to kill them fellas.

Hey, Pop, you know, I'm really glad to see you sitting here reading like that.

That means that you're getting used to this place, and that's a good sign.

What do you mean, good sign?

Well, that just goes to show you that this place is not as bad as I thought it

was.

Hey, this is a good bed, isn't it?

Are you kidding?

This bed here is so full of bugs, I feel like I'm sleeping at the water game.

Well, it's probably got some bad points, but it's got some good points, too,

Pop. I mean, I didn't see them the first time I was here, but now I do.

You do? Well, at least you're not alone at night like you were when I would go

out on a date. Remember how you always worried about burglars?

Well, with all these dudes, you don't have to worry about that.

Hey, you see that guy laying there with the sheet on? The fat dude?

Yeah, the fat dude.

Now, last night when he came in, he got in bed with all his clothes on and woke

up this morning and he didn't have on nothing but them socks and that derby.

Who would do such a thing?

That guy sleeping in the next bunk bed.

Well, at least you got an empty cot next to you.

Yeah, poor guy.

He was stabbed at the morning prayer service.

Well, at least you got all the things you need. You know, place to sleep,

to wash up, and good food to eat, right?

No, ain't right.

This bed is hard as ironing board. And you got to line up to get to the toilet.

And the oatmeal is so runny, you have to suck it through a straw.

Well, a hard bed is good for your back. You'll save money on soap. And runny

oatmeal is good for your teeth.

But the most important thing, Pop, is that you're happy, because I am.

You are?

Oh, yeah.

Well, at first I wasn't happy with the new situation at home, but now

everything's great.

What do you mean, new situation?

Well, that's what I came to tell you. That's the good news, Pop. See, now, I

knew that you didn't want me to go on living in that great big house all by

myself. So you know what I did?

I invited Julio and his mother to come live with me.

Julio and his mother?

And Chico.

Listen, I should have known.

they wouldn't be satisfied until they were sitting in my front room.

Well, I got to run now. Oh, hey, Pop, do you know what Pato de Puerto Rico

Puerto Rican is?

No, but it sounds like something would grow on your neck if you didn't bathe

right now.

Palo de Cuerco Puerto Rican is Puerto Rican -style pig knuckles.

Ain't no such thing in the world. Sure there is. You cook it with chicken and

sausage and onion and tomato and a whole bunch of stuff with it all cooking at

the same time. The only thing about it is that it makes a mess. You know, you

just mess up your whole kitchen to pots and pans, but it's worth it.

But where they gonna cook this stuff?

I thought I told you. In our kitchen.

Oh, Mrs. Fuentes loves our kitchen because we got more pots and pans and

to mess up, you know?

Well, there goes your dinner bell. I gotta go have my dinner with the

Pop. Enjoy your oatmeal, here. You'll love this place. Wait a minute. You'll

like it here. Hello,

Pop. Wait a minute.

Oh,

shut up.

Here he comes now.

Yeah.

Pop!

What a surprise!

You're home! Hello, Mr. Samford!

Buenas noches, Mr. Samford!

Yeah, bones and notches to you.

Isn't this great? We were just getting ready to sit down and eat. Why don't you

join us? No, they're not. Not in my house.

What do you mean, not in your house?

The Fuentes are my guests.

I invited them. I can invite whoever I want.

Well, if you can invite anybody you want, I can invite anybody I want.

cleaning them pots and pans?

Well, I got to get them clean.

Got my whole kitchen smelling.

Go in there and smell it. What? Go ahead in the kitchen.

All right. I'll go in the kitchen.

Don't smell what's in there.

You see, you see, you see, get this stuff out of the pots. All this tomato

and rice and everything in here. This rice sticks to everything.

And that odor.

Got my whole kitchen smelling like Puerto Rico.

Tough enough to have people come down here and say, Pop, you know what? Huh?

That odor was not coming from your pots and pans. It was coming from in here.

Mrs. Fuentes left us a pot of mofongo.

Mahugo?

Mofongo. It's a national Puerto Rican dish.

Well, listen, I know how to take care of this mofongo.

Here's what you do. You go ahead and start loading the truck, and I'll go in

here and fix your breakfast. Then I'll take care of this mofongo. Okay, Papa.

Would you hurry up, please? All right. Just hurry up.

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.