All language subtitles for Sanford & Son s03e05 Libra Rising all Over Lamont

To be perfectly honest with you, Miss
Audrey, I never took astrology serious

until my friend Rallo told me how much
you helped him. And I thought maybe you

could do the same thing for me. You see,
I'm in a rut. A deep rut.

Well, what do you do, Lamont?

Uh, I'm in commodities.

Oh.

My brother -in -law is in the junk
business, too.

What do you want to do, Lamont?

Well, I was hoping I'd know more about
that once I find out what my true

personality is.

How do we go about finding that out?
Well, I need some specific information.

Do you have a birth certificate I can
look at? No, I don't have a birth

certificate, but I've got all the
information written down here on this

paper. See, I copied it out of the
family Bible.

Let's see.

You were born September 27, 1940.

Right. That makes you a Libran.

And your time of birth is 5 .50 a .m.

That means your rising sign is also
Libra, making you a double Libran.

This means that you should strive for
harmony and equilibrium.

Peace is the key word for you.

Peace and harmony, or peace of mind, or
what? All of that.

I mean, you shouldn't even argue with
anyone if you can help it. Not at all.

You don't have to haggle a lot on your
job, do you?

No, my problem is more at home with my
father.

I got the kind of father that would
worry the smile off the face of Mona

Well, you're going to have to find a way
to be more agreeable with your father.

Yeah, I wish I knew how. My father, he's
always arguing with everybody, and he's

stubborn and contrary, and he's always
calling me a dummy.

Up until the time that I was six years
old, I thought my name was Dummy

You see, Miss Audrey, my father's
getting old, and the older he gets, the

crankier he gets.

Well, you've got a serious problem.

A serious problem.

You're a double Libra.

Libra is the scale, balance, harmony,
equilibrium.

If you're constantly arguing, you can't
help but be in a rut.

You're living in direct contradiction to
yourself.

I am, huh?

Yes. You're never going to get your life
together until you start establishing

peace and harmony, especially in your
home.

With my father?

With your father.

Lord, give me strength.

It's a real thing this time, isn't it,
Doc?

That's why I called the hospital.

Well, I got here as fast as I could.

You know, you look kind of young to be a
doctor. You sure you're a doctor?

No, I'm in residence, sir, but I will be
a doctor in six months.

Well, I can't wait that long.

You might as well go and finish
examining me since you're in my

Where do you feel the pain?

All up and down, doc.

I feel like an elephant standing on top
of me with them spiked golf shoes and a

tee off.

It's my heart, ain't it, doc?

Mr. Sanford, relax. Your heart seems to
be perfectly normal.

In fact, I'd say that what you have is
probably no more serious than the run

-the -mill garden variety gastritis.

It's probably just something you ate.

What did you have for lunch?

I didn't have no lunch, Doug. I was too
sick to eat.

Did you have breakfast?

Uh -huh. What did you have?

I had waffles and ham hocks and candied
sweet potatoes and peach

cobbler.

And collard greens.

Well, that's a very unusual breakfast,
Mr. Sanderson.

A man your age should start off the day
with something lighter.

Well, I do.

But see, it was the last of the eight
-day -old collard greens.

And I had to get rid of them because
they were smelling up the house.

Eight -day -old greens?

Collards.

What you're suffering is severe gas
pains and a bad case of indigestion.

You wouldn't lie to me, would you, Doc?

I mean, you know, like some doctors
won't tell a patient how bad off they

And then it's because they don't want to
scare them. And the next thing you

know, you go to sleep and wake up dead.

All you have is a very bad stomachache.
Now, it should clear up by tomorrow, and

you'll be your old self again.

Thanks, Doc.

Look, just come here a minute, Doc.

Would you like a glass of Ripple before
you go?

Ripple? What's that?

What's that? Oh, you got to ask a
question.

You couldn't be one of us.

I just thought maybe, you know, you
might be trying to pass.

Hey, what's that ambulance over there?
Is there something wrong with my father?

Oh, nothing serious.

I'm Dr. Stewart.

You're Mr. Sanford's son? Yeah, yeah. He
just has a very bad case of gas and

acute indigestion. Oh.

Seems he ate some eight -day -old
collard greens for breakfast, and they

agree with him.

Eight -day -old collard greens wouldn't
agree with Superman.

I told him to get rid of them things.
They had the whole house smelling like a

potlicker factory.

And he ate them. That was stupid.

Well, look, in any case, he's really not
in any mood to be chastised, so it

might be a good idea to sort of just go
easy on him. Oh, don't worry. Look,

there'll be no chastisement. You got me
at the right time. From here on in,

there's going to be nothing but self
-discipline in that house.

Self -discipline and control.

And I've got the discipline to do it.

Oh, that's nice. Are you a Zen Buddhist?

Uh, no. I'm a double Libran Baptist.

Well, anyway, he should just stay off
his feet for the next day or two, at

till the stomach problem clears up.

All he probably needs is just one big
belch.

Well, is there anything I should do for
him?

Just stand back.

Good night.

Hey, Pop, how you feeling?

A little thick, huh? I know. I saw the
doctor on the way in and he told me.

He did? What did he tell you? His bad
end?

I don't know. Why do you say that?

Why are you smiling at me like Bela
Lugosi or something?

Well, can't I smile at my own father?

Well, why are you starting to dance?

It's serious, ain't it?

Look, Papa, if there was anything
seriously wrong with you, now you'd know

tell you.

Sure you would.

Just see me suffer.

I don't want to see you suffer. You're
my father and I love you. No, you don't.

Yes, I do. No, you don't. If you did,
you'd have sympathy pains.

You mean to tell me you want me to be
sick just because you're sick?

Yeah. I don't want to suffer all by
myself.

A family that's sick together, sticks
together.

You know, that's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard in my life. You

you ought to be ashamed of yourself,
Pop. And I'm not going to stand up here

and...

There

you go again.

Look like a dragon.

I'm going to go upstairs and put some
fresh linen on your bed, Pop.

For what? I just changed it a week ago.

You'll rest better with fresh linen. And
as long as I'm going up there, I'll

take the TV set. Might as well be
entertained while you recuperate.

Yeah, be entertained while I spend my
last days on Earth.

If I die, I hope it's in the middle of a
commercial.

You're talking ridiculous, Pop.

Who is it?

It's me, Frank Grady.

Let yourself in.

I just thought I'd stop by since I was
passing this way to check you out. Good

googly. What's wrong?

What's wrong with you? You look like you
have dead.

I'm a little sick, Granny.

That's why I had a doctor come here a
little while ago.

What did he say was wrong with you?

He said too much to me.

But he talked to Lamont out in the yard,
and I'm sure he told Lamont the truth.

That's why he came in here acting weird.

And he tried to be nice to me.

I think it's the big one this time,
Brady. I think the big one is sneaking

me.

Well, I hope not, Fred. You're one of
the few live friends I got left.

Wardell Jackson died last week.

Oh, no.

What was wrong with him?

I don't know. He just dropped dead at
the bar.

Hadn't been drinking but an hour.

64, younger than you.

Yeah, I guess I'm living on bar time.

And Lamont knows it, too.

You can tell when your kids start
treating you nice like that.

Know where he's at now?

Out buying a black suit?

No, Grady. He's upstairs making up the
bed so I can go up there and get some

rest. And Grady, I know if I go up to
them stairs, I ain't coming back down no

more. Oh, they'll have to bring you down
for the funeral, Fred.

What are you doing talking to me like
that when I'm friendly?

I'm sorry, Fred. I wasn't thinking.

Say, where did you say the pain was?

All around in here.

You don't have a bad stiffness in your
back, do you?

Yeah, right between my shoulder blades.

Why, Grady? What does that mean?

You got the same symptoms my cousin
Charles had.

What did he take for it? His last
breath.

laying out in the bed just like that.

Couldn't even get his socks off.

This is it, Brady.

I'm going to walk this last mile, Brady.

It's the only mother time I was
rehearsing for this time because this is

one.

Next stop, heaven.

At least I hope it's heaven.

Because if it ain't,

Walking down that other thing.

It's so -so, son.

It's so -so, and that radio ain't
helping nothing.

What's the matter? Doesn't it work?

Yeah, it works too good.

Hey, see if you can figure this out for
me.

98 .6.

Is that good or bad?

That's normal. 98 .6 is the ideal
temperature for your body to be.

For what?

For living.

Oh, that's my mountain, 98 .6.

What about the rest of them?

Look, Pop, I didn't come in here to
argue with you or get you upset. I

know if you were comfortable, and I
wanted to find out what you want for

breakfast.

Oh, I don't think I'm taking a chance on
putting anything on my stomach yet.

Hey, wait a minute. What's that? Don't
tell me that's a Bible.

What do you think it is? What's wrong
with that?

Nothing. It's just that I ain't never
seen you that close to one before.

I ain't never felt this close to the one
that wrote it before.

Say, Papa, I know some pictures from you
as a lot younger.

Yeah, you know, I just got the urge to
look at them. A lot of pictures in here

of me mother.

You know some of these pictures in here
over 30 years old?

I sure miss your mama, son.

Yeah, reminiscing can be nice.

It's sort of like watching your life
flash before your very own eyes, isn't

Why'd you say that?

What?

Like watching my life flash before my
very eyes. I didn't mean nothing by it.

was just making conversation, Pop. I
didn't mean nothing by it. Well, if you

didn't mean nothing by it, then why'd
you say it, dummy?

Be my lucky spinner.

My last days on earth with a dumb dummy.

Listen, dummy.

Didn't you hear me call you a dummy?

You team dumb know how to get mad when I
call you a dummy.

Dummy.

I'm going to see where that is, Pop.

Don't leave me, though, son. I'll be
right back. I'm just going to see where

is. Don't leave me.

Just a second.

Just a second.

Oh, hello, Ernest. Come on in. Hello,
Lamont.

I'm sorry to hear about your father.

I ran into Grady Wilson, and he said
that Fred had one foot in the grave and

other foot on a banana peel.

Aunt Esther, the doctor was here and he
checked Pop out. He'll be fine in a few

days. Then exactly what is wrong with
him? Well, he ate some eight -day -old

collard greens and they didn't agree
with him.

Eight -day -old collard greens wouldn't
agree with Superman.

Where is he? In the bathroom?

Uh, no, Aunt Esther, he's upstairs in
the bedroom. You see, the doctor thought

it would be a good idea if he stayed off
his feet until he recuperates. Hey, why

don't you come on up and visit with Pop?

I might as well.

Maybe I'll pray for him. Lord knows he
needs me.

Lord, that heathen Fred Sampson, I just
don't know.

Lord, save him. I'm saved, son.

Hey, Pop, guess what?

The buzzards are circling over the
house.

Nope. They got company.

Oh, no.

The head buzzard is in the house.

Say, Pop, why don't you be nice?

in the mind.

He's gonna have to pay for all his
evilness and nastiness.

Vengeance is mine.

There's the Lord.

What you reading, Fred?

I ain't reading nothing. I'm looking at
pictures.

Is it one of them naked heat in this
women magazine?

No, honest. It's a photo album. Pop's
got some pictures in there that would

him before I was born. Hey, he's got
some pictures of Mama in there, too.

Oh, are there any of me in there?

I got a few in here with the back of
your head thing, doesn't it?

try to get righteous when they think the
Lord is about to tap them on the

shoulder.

Listen, if I wasn't so sick, I would
give you one of these and cross your

lips.

Who you calling ugly, sucker?

I'm calling you ugly. I could stick your
face in some dough and make some

gorilla cookies.

I ain't did nothing. She started. All
right, then call a truce. I thought you

said you wanted to look at those
pictures, Don Esther.

I do.

Oh, there's Elizabeth.

She was the prettiest child my mother
had.

She was the only pretty child your
mother had.

Hey, Lamar, come here, son.

See, this picture was taken the day you
were born.

We celebrated all that week and the week
after and the week before.

Look at us, all laid out there drunk.

You were the only one who was drunk,
Fred Samson.

You were so drunk they had to give you
oxygen that evening to wake you up to

you know Lamont had been born.

You mean you didn't know I was born
until that evening?

He couldn't have known.

You wasn't born until the evening.

No, I wasn't.

Lamont, your memory is faulty.

And besides, I should know I was there.

Yeah, but wait a minute. Now, why do you
say I was born in the evening?

Because you were. It was almost six o
'clock.

Let me see this article a minute.

There. September 27th, 1945, 50 a .m.
Now, that's the morning on Esther. Let

see that.

That's Fred's old scribbling.

Fred, you were so drunk you even wrote
down the wrong time when Lamont was

Well, I got the right year and the right
date, and two out of three ain't bad.

No, for a drunk. That's pretty good.

Then that means I wasn't born it.

Wait a minute. I'll see you later, Pop.
I got to go see a lady about something

really important. Wait a minute, son.

Don't leave me, son.

That's the way they do old Eskimos.

They put them out on a big block of ice
and let them float out into the sea

until they freeze to death.

You're going to wish you had a block.

What's the matter?

Look, I know I don't have an
appointment, but this is an emergency.

I found out that I was born at 5 .50 p
.m. and not a .m. Does that make a

difference? Oh, no. I was afraid of
that. It's a wonder you haven't

high blood pressure.

Lamont, that means your rising sign is
Aries. It is? Aries rising.

Lamont, you're a born warrior. I am? A
general.

Yeah. A commander. I like that.

You should decide on a course of action
and then do it. I will. Be assertive.

Don't let any... anyone sway you or talk
you out of your ideas.

Hey, you know, I feel better already
just thinking about it, Miss Audrey.

That's not part of the service.

Lamont, speaking of service.

Fill me, Mama.

Jive, turkey.

and finished off that potato salad.

Leftovers again, huh? That's it. Get out
of that bed.

Huh? The gold -brickin' days is over,
Pop. Now get out of that bed.

You wouldn't talk like that to a dying
man, would you? No, I wouldn't. No, you

wouldn't talk like that to a dying man.
And you're not dying. I'm not gonna

argue about it no more. Now you got five
minutes to get out of that bed and get

down in that kitchen and fix supper. And
two of them is already gone. Now get

out of that bed. I'm getting out, son.

This is the Lord's day, Fred Sanchez.

No, it ain't. This is Sunday.

This is the day I watch NFL action on
TV.

And let me tell you something. If you
don't get out in front of my TV, there's

going to be some action in this front
room.

You said if the Lord healed you, you'd
walk the straight and narrow path.

And it's time to take your first step.

That's because it's Sunday. I'm not
going to tell you where I'm going to put

first step.

I'll show you.

Ban for the Sun is recorded on tape for
a live studio audience.