Original subtitles

You're tight when you are not on stage, Stokke.

It is so cool.

Holidaying with Linda has been great because we haven't seen her.

No.

I fear everyone is going to roast me in the best possible way.

-Join me over here. -No.

You should always leave a summer house looking the way you found it.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

So if we all pitch in… And by "we," I mean you.

-Have fun. -Best holiday ever.

We should leave the summer house as we found it.

We'll do that.

Disgustingly gross.

-Yeah. -You can't handle it at all.

-No. -Can't you handle it in that big head?

This is the very last roast.

They have been after me for everything I have participated in but not won.

I really want to win this one.

-That's the grossest part. -Sorry.

It'd be a crowning glory to be named the winner.

Get out of there.

It's not about the competition.

I just don't want the others to win.

ROASTED THE WORLD'S FUNNIEST VACATION

Welcome to Roasted: The World's Funniest Vacation.

Finally, everything we've been through makes sense.

Who will walk away with the trophy?

Who will be the winner of this year's Roasted: The World's Funniest Vacation?

Yes.

Winning a trophy is a childhood dream.

I'm too competitive to not get a little hyped up for this.

Yes. I'm exactly the same.

One last victim has to take the hot seat.

I've saved the best for last.

Give it up for me.

I'm really looking forward to the grilling.

Roast me!

-I'll do it. -Cool.

Give, Give, Give!

-Torben Chris. -Chain Saw Massacre!

-We've know each other for 20 years. -Twenty years.

There's been a lot of shit.

Let me start by thanking you that I am here on

Roasted: The World's Funniest Vacation.

Along with two recovered alcoholics, an ex-Mormon, a children's TV host

and a sun-dodging albino.

That's what I call a fun holiday.

That's some messed-up shit right there.

I haven't seen a worse miscast

since I saw your shitty Christmas movie, Undercover.

You were playing police officer, Linda.

That's like Nikolaj Stokholm playing an African.

It's a wonder you still have any fans the way you pissed in their faces.

When you got pregnant

and postponed your tour for a year and a half…

Who gets pregnant when they're on tour?

You should have planned the tour for one of your lesbian phases.

It's going well for Linda P.

And LP is an appropriate nickname.

The same tracks.

Something, Sydhavn…

My fucked-up family.

Something about alcohol.

Why alcohol?

You don't drink anymore and don't live in Sydhavn.

You're creative director at Tivolirevyen. You're talking down to your fans.

They are getting dumber and dumber.

I'm still with you performing.

I don't understand what is going on. There are just dumb Linda P fans

sitting there waiting for you to come in and fall into a cake.

I'm just saying…

Sunflower lanyards that spread awareness

about invisible disabilities are very in.

If you continue on this journey, we should introduce a Linda P lanyard.

It'll be an easy way to distinguish your fans from fans of real comedy.

Then they can sit with this shit. That is something.

Let me be the first to say:

I'll never wear this shit! What did you expect? It's a roast.

I'll drink for both of us instead.

He's the one who knows her best.

He had a lot of nasty things to say.

For the first time, I'm more mature than the audience.

-No, I don't think you are. -No.

-Was it a roast or were you just thirsty? -I just worked that into the bit.

I was thirsty.

Shag, marry, kill. You're all playing. Johnson, Jokeren and Kidd.

-Liam. -What…

-I have to see my friend Marc sexually? -Yes.

I feel singled out.

They're letting me ponder whether my friend Marc is sexually attractive.

And he is.

I'd marry him on the spot.

-It's a match? -It is.

-It's true. -It's true.

We've got loyalty… Aarhus V.

Thyra Frank, Dan Jørgensen and Queen Margrethe.

It speaks volumes about her algorithm

that they were at the top of her mind.

I would marry Queen Margrethe. Would I shag Thyra?

I feel like she could lift me up. And not a lot of people can.

-She has worked in nursing homes. -She can gently lay me down.

-And she has warm hands. -Yes.

I would kill Dan Jørgensen.

A very Natasha thing to say. Maybe she should keep it to herself.

But she's only human. A severely twisted one.

That was much longer than your head.

A bit more sensual than I had planned.

-That's just getting me horny. -Yeah.

I've been looking forward to roast you.

All week, the others have been saying "Can't wait to hear your roast

because you and Linda are so close. You've been through so much together."

I'm confused. Am I meant to be here?

It's like if someone I just met in the ladies' room calls me her bestie.

Okay.

I wrote you when I first started doing stand-up.

Yes.

I wanted you to be my mentor.

You were very nice and wrote back saying you would like to see me.

But not before I had become successful. I should have known.

You invited me to join you on your Talk & Show tour.

That made my mother very nervous.

She said, "Do you have to do the…"

-She thought I'd shag you? -Yes. I had to reassure her.

"Mom, just because she's a lesbian, it doesn't mean…"

I was actually worried too.

But I wanted to climb the ladder.

-You didn't try anything on the tour. -No.

And I'm fine with that.

The night is young, Natasha.

You'd just broken up with Anders Grau, but didn't want…

When we were on tour, you let me ride with you

since I don't have a license.

I thought that was sweet right up until I rode along in your car.

I thought you were pulling a prank.

Your car is packed with McDonald's wrappers and chewed nicotine gum.

I shouldn't be surprised.

You look like someone from that hoarders show.

But I don't want to come off as ungrateful because I'm not.

You let me have the bottles in your car and said, "You guys collect those, right?"

-But you and I are very similar. -Well. 5,000 tickets to 60,000.

I was going to say something nice.

-We'll edit that out. -No, keep it.

We love putting up Christmas decorations.

I love the lights and you love being surrounded by white stuff.

It just goes to show that no matter your background,

we basic bitches always find each other.

Yeah.

I didn't know you were on tour with her.

Our paths crossed on the axis.

-Would it be more like this? -No, more like this.

Our next roaster calls himself Stokkepikkefar.

Give it up for Nikolaj Stokholm!

Roast commentator expert Nikolaj Stokholm.

Linda, Linda, Linda. May I call you Richard?

Richard P. Now, there's a name for a variety act.

As Torben mentioned, you're moving into the world of variety acts.

Just as weird as that rapper doing stand-up.

I love that you're taking on that role.

You need to see something. When that was announced…

-On… SoMe. -Social media.

When they announced your manager role…

It's just that I'm leading up to something.

That day… Would you just get up?

Thae day of that announcement,

Tivoli released an official photo

announcing your role to the world. And here it is.

Yes.

What a crowd you must be drawing.

You look like Mary Poppins if she'd been drawn as a disabled orangutan.

We were having lunch together that day. Now, my eyesight is quite bad.

But I told you,

"Linda, if you have to wear your compression socks,

maybe you should have worn trousers instead."

You say, "They're not compression socks. I was just being edgy."

One could also argue that it's edgy of you to be standing with your legs akimbo.

You don't do that. You are standing like that.

Because you can't close your legs because of your giant cunt.

At least I have something big between my legs, Stokke.

You have an outstanding moral compass.

In the 1940s, you wouldn't have been one of those girls who were an easy lay.

You would have been a round lay with that pot belly.

You're very absent-minded and you tend to lose everything.

When she gets annoyed at herself for losing stuff, she has a saying…

"Someday, I'll misplace my own ass."

But that one…

That shouldn't be hard to find.

-Maybe it'll be inside your cunt. -Even Natasha's head will fit in there.

Well…

-Hey! -We did try.

Linda, I'm very fond of you, although less fond of your cunt.

Linda P, ladies and gentlemen.

It was all connected. A big cunt, a big head.

And you got everyone to come along on your unhinged undertaking.

I said that word a few too many times.

Yeah, he nailed me right in the… cunt.

I think I will give her some advice about finances.

And then it's a joke that I'm the one doing it.

You giving advice. You're the last person that should.

-Hello. -Hi, Linda!

It's coming to an end, and it has been a great pleasure.

Yes.

And… You've gone all quiet.

We've laughed and cried. And as you know,

before you leave, you have to sign the guestbook.

Last year's participants did so as well.

"Dear lovely and beautiful Linda."

"This has been fun and enlightening."

It's about as truthful as Torben Chris' tax return.

"I think your presence is an inspiration to people."

"It lifts them up to heights…"

It's just full of lies. And very poor ones.

"With love, Ane Høgsberg."

-Ane didn't write that. -Yes, she did.

She can't spell.

They're not convinced that all comedians have the same handwriting.

I'll call Lasse.

-Hi, Lasse. -Hi.

They don't believe that you had a wonderful time here.

After 25 years, one starts to doubt oneself.

"Can I even do this anymore?"

And you really dispelled that…

I think the connection is failing. We lost him there.

"Dear Lindus. Please send me your measurements."

"I'm ordering a doll in your likeness made of lifelike latex."

"It's not sexual. My kids just need to know

what it feels like to hug you."

Actor, comedian, creative director… You are amazing. Love, Dybvad."

-He knew you would be creative director. -Pretty cool, right?

All of them were very fond of me. Great.

Fill your boots.

Can't wait to see what I'll write.

I'm taking a chance with Linda again. If she buys into the premise, I could win.

And then I think you will be number two.

Yes.

Let's welcome a young man whose arms are so long

that Natasha wishes she had them to comb the back of her head.

I mean, look at that giant head.

Ladies and gentlemen, Victor Lander.

Linda, I will not be roasting you.

You might be carrying a knife.

I'm here to help you.

I understand it's hard to do alone.

Usually, you'd have someone holding your hand for this confrontation.

But your dealer couldn't be here.

Well, someone had to look after your daughter.

After ten years, you've finally moved out of your 2,000,000 DKK flat.

One of Denmark's biggest comedians of the past 15 years.

How much money did you spend on drugs?

Linda, I want you to get the help you so clearly need.

Let me invite you to this new concept.

Let's see how…

There we are. Yes.

You don't really get the concept of paper money

so I'm using the type of currency you'll be able to understand.

One bag that you used to call brunch…

is worth 2,500.

Your monthly income is 20 bags of powder. A respectable income.

Let's see the expenses.

The first entry is "Rico." It's not the coffee place.

That's that bald tattoo artist from Glostrup you owe money.

And you're paying off that debt with two bags of white powder.

The next entry is "fixed expenses" or as you call them "fixed parties."

Three bags of blow.

Now it's time for "miscellaneous expenses."

There are five bags of paint flakes here.

This enormous amount is the same as four people's annual salary.

And that is exactly what it is.

It's Carsten, Henning, Wasim and Dorthe. They are traffic wardens in Copenhagen.

You get so many fines you're covering their salary.

I never thought I'd say this as the host of this new show…

Take a taxi. You get more fines than are issued by wardens.

How the hell do you park your car?

Do you even have your license, or is that another lie from your giant arsenal?

But as your adviser from The Black Swan would say,

"Fuck your doubts!"

The reason why you haven't been on Luxury Trap

must be that the experts would say, "Linda, now it is 'miscellaneous.'"

"That is Netflix and Amazon… Stop rolling up the notes"

You've made a sound decision

in turning to variety acts like all wannabe comedians.

I thought we'd be sorry to lose you

as we do need a certain number of addicts in this business.

But luckily, we just got a new one.

Who would have thought you would fulfill a quota.

Thank you for pulling the plug on your stand-up career yourself.

Then we don't need to. You're my comedy and finance role model.

Thank you, Linda for letting me be here.

It's wonderful to have them roast me.

And it's a bit more hardcore. That's good.

It's insane how much coke you had up your ass on the way down here.

It was hard to explain to the airport security. "It's Linda's!"

-What will you be saying tonight? -I have an old score to settle with her.

Something was left unsaid, and I need to fix that.

I'll get a bit personal.

What are you pulling out of the hat about the years I can't remember at all?

Our score is about VAT fraud.

Linda thinks the term "arrears" refers to a luxury retreat.

I'm not sure if I'm in the lead or what the heck is going on.

I think my bit will be the best roast.

Moving on to our next roaster.

I might have been a bit hard on him all week.

You know what they say about tough love.

They are just tough to love.

Liam O'Connor!

-Linda. -Yes.

You and I have a lot in common.

Remember how big we were in the late '00s and early '10s?

Because I can't. But we've also made a lot of music.

You didn't have a huge following.

They don't get Internet in the psych ward.

Another common trait is that we've made the same amount of good comedy films.

And we've both had our battles with serious addictions.

My song "Frk. Escobar"

is about the last time Linda and I were at a summer house.

Our paths have actually crossed more than one would think.

We have almost been running side by side.

We've artificially inflated the amount of bisexual women in provincial Denmark

over the course of two decades.

There's always a sexist and silly score between tunnel buddies.

One buddy owes the other one 20 DKK if he was there first.

In the name of equality, I will now settle the world's first tunnel person score.

I've brought the binders.

Let's see what we have here. That's 2005 and 2008.

This is a bit hard to read,

so don't tell this to anybody, Natasha.

No!

Between 2001 and 2008 I met a lot of confused women

from west of Copenhagen.

You hadn't been on TV in anything except as a police sketch in a true crime show.

But you were often skulking about on Albertslund station.

We made six common acquaintances

that I got to first. So you owe me 120 DKK.

Damn, that is funny!

But then, in 2009, it's Linda's turn. Here, she suddenly finds enormous success.

You frequented more gay bars than me.

You picked up the women and jobs Matthesen didn't want.

Things were going so great for you then

that you went through the entirety of Copenhagen's lesbian scene.

So I owe you 460 DKK.

Minus 38.5 DKK for chlamydia medication.

Oh, my God!

In 2016, I just stopped keeping score. You went straight. I became a father.

In the following years, we shagged the same number of women, zero.

You should know that I've considered you a worthy opponent in adult Tetris.

But I won't have it said that I don't pay my debts.

Apologies for the late payment… bitch.

That was damn funny.

I'm impressed. He's getting old,

so that comb-over was brushed across all the way from Aarhus.

I'm just impressed he could stand up for so long.

I got through it.

Everyone has upped their game here.

It's a very tough decision,

but we have to announce the winner of this gorgeous trophy.

-Everyone was true to their style. -That's the most important thing.

We've pissed ourselves with laughter.

I feel anyone could win this one.

Andreas Bo has now been dethroned as the world's greatest impressionist.

The winner of Roasted: The World's Funniest Vacation…

Nikolaj Stokholm!

Well done, my friend.

I'm fine with that. I thought he was funny.

I agree.

Let's hear it for all our roasters.

He's a really funny comedian.

He didn't have a clue what was going on, but still managed to kill it.

That's impressive.

It's all about talent, not preparation.

-Congrats, Stokholm. -Thanks.

-Congrats. -It has been so much fun.

-What have you written? -I agree.

-"See you later, you giant cunt." -No, Torben!

That's from all of us.

We've talked a lot about your giant cunt, and now we get to see it.

-Let's get the fuck home. -Yes, let's.

A fucking pleasure…

Let's do this in English.

-See you. Take care. -See you.

Phew!

Took them long enough.

Jesus! How unfunny.

ROAST ON THE COAST - DENMARK