All language subtitles for Roast on the Coast S02E05.en-us.dialog

-Hi.
-Hello.

It was fortunate that we stopped it
before you got a sports injury.

Tomorrow is Linda's night,
which means it's the last night.

It's the grand finale, and you can win
Roasted The World's Funniest Vacation.

I've been in Give to see your wife Jenny.

It seems like it comes down to who is
the funniest or who is the toughest.

If it's about who's the toughest,
it won't be me, because I'm the funniest.

The other dickheads are useless.

You've really dug up
some good old pictures.

-That's how I see you.
-Yes, my mental image of myself.

I'm looking forward to being roasted.
My good friends are roasting me.

A very famous picture of a comedian
for all the wrong reasons.

-It was a good debate.
-And a long one.

I've talked to everybody. Of course
I can take a bath with my daughter.

Torben Chris, you have to leave
so that we can trash talk you.

Yes.

-So leave!
-Go away, man.

Torben's suitcase
is packed for a festival.

A fishing rod and a beer bong.
No clothes. Typical Torben.

Some pictures where he's young and naked.
Some where he's old and naked.

I'm going to talk about
the fact that he's naked.

-And other things.
-And other things.

Maybe, not promising anything, we're going
to see a Torben Chris imitation.

Shit, Torben!

ROAST ON THE COAST - DENMARK

Here's a man who's spitting so much,

that you should be glad
his back is turned. Torben Chris!

Your eyes are shining.
Who do you fear the most?

Natasha is rude
and enjoys this way too much.

Exactly. You started before me.

-Yes.
-We go way back.

I don't know why we never talk about this,

but you met your wife
when she was 11 years old.

-It's a sweet story.
-Yes.

You just said, "Dibs on her
because who wants a used 11-year-old?"

You think you're a gentleman
because you waited until she was 16.

Dibs on your daughter then.
Tell me in five if it was gross.

Ladies and gentlemen, Torben Chris.

It's time for the first roaster
of the evening.

Please welcome Nikolaj Stokholm.

Torben!

This will be ugly.

Ugh.

You are a little… Yes!

Well… You love to get naked!

And you know, we love it too.
We really do.

Then we don't have to look
at your ugly clothes.

I prefer you as God made you,

not as child laborers
have made your clothes.

You love to drink beer. That's your thing.

You dream about being an alcoholic
sitting on a bench.

You find that thought alluring.

He told me this.

That's so stingy. Even in his dreams,
he doesn't include a roof for himself.

It's crazy!

I remember when you roasted me.
Everything came up in the air.

I cannot forgive you for that.
You took down my golden sign.

At my favorite restaurant.

After you did that, I've talked
to all my friends who know you.

I've had people in your house
to look for something of value.

That I could take.

But you have nothing of value.

But you can't take my golden sign,

when you can't even buy
a proper gold necklace.

And then you come from Give,
such a horrible place.

I don't know why I talk like this
to try to sound like Torben Chris.

Just listen to
what I have to say about you.

You're from Give, and the only thing
Give has given us, is shit!

Your children and wife
must be proud of you.

They're proud because
you left them this week.

Torben Chris.

Nikolaj Stokholm!

It's a one-man show, just for me.
That was so funny.

I love that an imitation of Torben
became one of Yvonne.

When I listened to myself,
I realized how awful it is.

I have practiced extensively and taken
acting lessons with Preben Kristensen.

I don't know what that was.

I remember that.
I said that on a summer day.

"It would have been nice
to just sit on that bench."

You say your dream is to become
an alcoholic. You are an alcoholic.

Nikolaj Stokholm, ladies and gentlemen.

We are giving points! Go, go, go!

When I'm on vacation with my friends,
we always do something stupid.

This won't happen here, unless I start it.

-That's a ten!
-Ten from me.

-Eight!
-Nine for "tender things one has seen."

It's great to have
such an idiot on vacation.

Despite our differences
we both just want to have a good time.

And how do you have the most fun…
With… alcohol!

Ta-da!

Torben says.

We'll have a beer relay.

When Torben Chris and Nikolaj Stokholm
drink beer, they're firing each other up.

Give! Give!

It's magical to see,
as long as you can walk away.

I am burning!

You can touch the bottom, Stokholm.

I'm alive. I'm home!

Give! Give!

It's brain-dead.

There's no way back!

No! Close!

Natasha? Where's the beer?

Liam looks like a gangster gardener.

L.O.C. watering the pool
turned into a meme.

"I'm just watering the pool."

He looked so sad.

It was a talent I did not know I had.

See my pouring!

Give!

The two biggest idiots in Denmark.
No doubt!

It's going wrong!

Yes.

I'm looking forward to roasting Torben,
but he doesn't care at all.

The only way to hurt Torben,
is to attack him physically.

So I hope there won't be
any legal complications.

Give! Give!

The next person has gone
from Aarhus V to Gentofte.

From hardcore rapper to fat-fresh buns.

Liam O'Connor!

They say you can see by a man's clothes

when he feels his life peaked.

My life peaked in 2012,
Stokholm in the 40s.

Torben Chris peaked in third grade.

Torben has worn
the same clothes for 30 years.

That's good for the police
when cross-referencing pictures.

But also for Torben when his wife asks,

"Why are you tagged
with that girl on Facebook?"

He can say, "Anyone can see
that the picture is from the '90s."

Torben, I've only met you
a few times, but I can still say,

You're the horniest man I've ever met.

And I've been hanging out
with Suspekt since the '90s.

Torben has a smart system
to avoid all the Me Too traps.

He has moved home
to his childhood town of Give.

It's the only place in Denmark
where they haven't heard about Me Too.

If you ask other comedians, they'll
tell you that Torben spits a lot.

I watched your show to check it.

I saw a spastic St. Bernard
with something stuck in his throat.

The first three rows looked like
they'd seen Titanic in 4D.

Torben generates so much spit
when he's excited

that when he licks pussy,
he doesn't know if his wife is wet

or if he's just getting grumpy.

There's something about pussy, Victor.

But I have to mention the bathtub picture.

I think it's a bit awkward but that's
because they're sitting in his spit.

The picture has been called pedophilic,

but I think it's a normal,
loving family moment.

So let's just be clear that
Torben Chris is not a kiddy fiddler.

He's just a trained teacher,
lives in the Southern Jutland,

is dressed like a 13-year-old,
loves to be naked in public,

and he has some "cool magazines
at home that you have to see."

Torben, I want to praise you
in the best way that you would understand.

The fact is, he doesn't give a shit.

The only way to hurt Torben
is to attack him physically.

So I've been filling this with spit
since we got here.

And I've written a
Torben Chris-style rant. It is not funny.

I'm going to spit on you with this
as a revenge for all the people

who had to get a tetanus shot
after seeing your show.

I've seen your stand-up,
and I think it was just as funny

as reading the tabloids
when I was married to Christiane.

Torben has done four shows
called Men's Room.

The only good thing about it is the title.

Because it's filled with shit
that other people have made.

Torben Chris, you're great.

Liam O'Connor!

It was great that Liam brought spit.

I thought it was great. I was mesmerized.

-Were you hit by anything?
-Yes. Spit.

I was a bit hurt

that you didn't say
that I am a Scout leader.

He's a Scout leader.

I don't think I have any dark secrets.

I have joked about most things in my life.

I have no jokes about fishing
because I think it's fantastic.

I'm no outdoor person, surprise,
but isn't this fishing rod short?

There's a cock at the end.

-Is that his…
-Yes, it's to scale.

I'm going to talk about the fact
that he takes baths with children.

His own child.

-I feel left out.
-I can understand that.

-You want to take a bath with him?
-No.

He hasn't received
a fair shake for that.

All those people who attacked him
on Facebook were idiots.

I'll let him know the right way,
and that's what you do in a roast.

It's time for the next roaster.

That's our horny little orangutan.
Victor Lander.

-Yes.
-Yes.

Torben, I've written two roasts.

A yellow roast and a green roast.

-You can choose.
-Green.

Green, that's good.
It's a kind of truth roast.

I've chosen to call it,
"When Torben was taking a bath."

And you really love your bathtub.

I've seen you at festivals.

You love rolling around in feces
and elderly women more than I do.

Torben loves his bathtub so much
that Georg from Anna og Lotte says stop.

I can't understand that you exist.

It's true. You're like a yeti!

Not an animal, but not quite a human.

I would have loved to see
a wildlife show based on you.

He we see the old male.

He lives off lukewarm beer
and corn he finds in his ass.

Look, he makes
a fishing line from his pubes.

Here's his mating call.

Torben, you stopped working as a teacher

when you realized that you
couldn't only teach sexual education.

And because you couldn't use
your own body.

You stood in front of
a class of ninth graders,

"You have to know how many marbles
a man can hold in his foreskin."

He doesn't sound like that.

Before anyone accuses Torben
of being a pedophile, I want to say

Torben has never touched me like that.

He has actually never touched me,
neither with his hand or his stand-up.

It's not true.

But you have to admit,

it was like a buffet
when you were a Scout leader.

You could earn a Scout badge
for keeping a secret.

The "Don't Tell Mom And Dad" badge.

I thought everyone
would joke about your clothes

but you're really not that badly dressed.

You're probably the best dressed
of all of us.

You're the definition of Brat Summer.
It's normcore. I can prove it. Look.

Torben?

-Why do you hold it there, Victor?
-Because Torben likes it.

I'll try a little experiment.

I have two mannequins here.

One has your clothes, the other
has clothes I bought in a hip store.

Can you guess which clothes are yours?

It's the one in purple, right?

That's wrong.
They're both wearing your clothes.

Your clothes are perfect
for a shop window in Nørrebro.

I've actually put some
of your clothes for sale in Nørrebro.

This is at Nørrebrogade,
and it's no longer there.

Because somebody bought it!

Give! Give!

Sit down or get up!

Victor Lander!

Thank you for letting me roast you.

It's hard to roast Torben.
It's like clearing out your life's estate.

Where do you start?

Torben, have you had
50 marbles in your penis?

No, not 50.

I've invented
some really stupid drinking games.

Let's drink 50 grams.

The one who comes closest,

can hit the loser in the ass
with a fly swatter.

A classic Torben game that contains
alcohol and physical punishment.

Let's try 40 grams.

219! One gram away.

193.

Linda, you're doing it on purpose.

No! Don't hit me!

I think Linda has a childhood dream
that just came true.

Don't hit too hard.

-No?
-Yes.

"I am going to be punished by Mr. L.O.C."

Now we're getting somewhere.

That's perfect! 260!

Then we just continue
what we've been doing all week!

I can hit Liam O'Connor
with a fly swatter.

If I had told my teenage self,
she wouldn't have believed it.

Yes!

Yes!

-No.
-It's me.

It's going to be hard to not hit her head.

I feel I can send him
a MobilePay request after this.

I'm having a great vacation now.

He's gotten something
that he would've paid for.

Here's the last roaster of the evening.

It's a woman who has told me

that her secret crush is Niels Olsen.

What do you want, Natasha?
DiCaprio? George Clooney?

No, I want to fuck
number four in Ørkenens Sønner.

She is going to cut him up.

Torben, you're like a mystery to me.

You're now 47 years old,

but for me, you've always been
a chubby man in your 30s.

You might not believe me,
but I have three pictures of you.

The first is from the '00s.

The next is from the '10s.

This is from last year.

You haven't changed at all!

It's the same person.
I don't understand it!

Did you make a deal with the Devil?

In exchange for eternal youth,
you had to move to Give.

To be honest,
I don't know who lost this deal.

If it's you, because you're
forced to look like that forever,

or if it's the Devil when he learned
that you already sold your soul

when you joined
I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.

Or Zulu Tuk Tuk.

Or Zulu Kvægræs.

Or the million other shows
you've said yes to.

I don't know if you want to be
Danish comedy's Lord Voldemort.

You split your soul in many pieces,
hoping that you'll never die.

You can only be stopped by
a boy in glasses, one redhead

and a woman,
all helped by a really old man.

Wait!

I've heard that you think you have OCD
but it's not that.

It's not OCD to have to wear a Simpsons
shirt on stage. It's just bovine.

It's not OCD that you always have
to be right. You're just a white man.

It's not OCD to have to drink
an even number of beers.

That's just the number that's in a case.

If you search for your name,
the first result that comes up is,

"How long is a Torben Chris show?"

It's an easy question,
until you start to think about it.

Is it how long you're on stage?

Or how long it takes
to process it afterwards?

But the right answer to how long
a Torben Chris show is: Too long.

Your most recent tour
GALning was a success.

I don't know who
is buying tickets to your show.

Then I realized that
you're a teacher like me.

I'm convinced
that your audience are parents

who want to make sure
that you'll never come back to school.

They don't laugh because you're
funny, but because they're scared.

I haven't really thanked you
for giving me my first spot ever.

You did that.

When I've tried to thank you, you've
been naked or drinking beer from an ass.

But honestly, thank you, Torben.

It might look like
I'm crying a little bit,

but it's because Torben spits
when he's laughing.

Thank you, Torben.

Natasha Brock!

Natasha is evil incarnate.

Imagine if the two of us had merged.

Imagine how elegantly
we could have broken people.

We could also host Roasted 3.
The World's Most Traumatizing Vacation.

Give all the roasters a hand!

Today it's between Liam or Nikolaj.

The best roaster of the evening
excels in the following way.

It's crazy to do such an
awful imitation and still be funny.

To not have a clue what he's doing

and we're still laughing hard every time.

The best roaster of the evening
is Nikolaj Stokholm.

Give! Give!

It's impressive that you win
with that awful imitation.

Tomorrow is the big day.

It's my turn to be roasted.

It was nice to recharge because I have
some mean jokes to prepare for Linda P.

More flags! Higher! Wilder!

-How old is she?
-Younger than Torben.

Linda is turning 40,
so we have to throw a party.

-Wow, this is beautiful!
-I love a surprise.

-You like birthdays?
-I can really feel my heart beating.

I can't explain how insane an idea
a surprise party is.

You're not ready mentally or physically.

-Let's get her here.
-I will call her. Hide.

It's part of the roast. Nobody wants
to celebrate their 40th birthday.

Linda! Victor has broken something.

-You guys.
-Congratulations on your old age!

-You're 40!
-I'm 40.

I'm happy with my wrinkles
and saggy breasts. Can we move on?

I've bought you a new knee.

-Wow!
-Amazing!

Look, a real plaque.

You know I really wanted
things from Cyprus.

Balloons from Cyprus,
presents from Cyprus.

Well…

Potato spice? So it tastes like potatoes?

There are lots of things from Cyprus.

Greek style, that's with fries, right?

It's between your breasts, no…
You're right.

When you're faced with comedians
be happy it's not something gross.

Victor, why is it sticky?

I think Liam has bought clothes here.
Or maybe he brought it from home.

It was nice.

Can I have some potato spice?

Tonight the winner will be announced.

And that's actually not great,
because I'm going to insult the judge.

I think Stokholm knows
the present-day Linda best.

The problem is that Torben knows
the past Linda best of all.

I think my roast of Linda is unique.

I've met Liam a few times.

That is the disadvantage of having
forgotten 25 years of your life.

I don't know what he's got on me.

I brought a gun. It could be funny.

-Roast me!
-Get up!

I feel like the winner could be anyone.

The world's funniest vacation.

With two ex-alcoholics
and an albino that can't be in the sun.

LATER

Everybody has upped their game.

I think it would be
the cherry on top to win.

-Hi, Lasse.
-Hi.

The winner of Roasted The World's
Funniest Vacation is…

ROAST ON THE COAST - DENMARK