All language subtitles for Roast on the Coast S02E03.en-us.dialog

More bass!

My juicer skills are… eccentric.

There we go.

They are healthy.

And I would also say they're bold.

-Hi, Viggo.
-Hi.

-Have you slept well?
-Yes.

-You look like Nikolaj Kirk.
-It must be the gross hands.

What's going on here, Victor Lander?

I'm preparing us a nutritious breakfast.

We'll need to be
at the top of our game for the roast.

It'll be fun to roast Victor.

We'll have to repeat everything five
or six times for him to understand it.

The first one is packed full of vitamins.
That has "Stokke" written all over it.

How is this a health boost
if it's been handled by you?

You don't wash your hands when you've been
to the bathroom, so that's a "no" from me.

-You're making me look super gross.
-Maybe that's because you are.

I'm already being roasted. And all their
prepared material is still to come.

This is going to be tough.

-How about a taste?
-Well, I might just…

ROAST ON THE COAST - DENMARK

Today we have Victor Lander
in the line of fire.

-Yeah.
-And you're all tensed up right now.

-What do you have for me?
-Well, where do I start?

Our first roaster is someone whose entire
library of jokes I'd love to have.

It's just nice to have material that
nobody has ever heard, Natasha Brock!

How do you roast someone
who doesn't have a personality?

Victor, your core is absolutely empty.
You're a hollow shell on the inside.

Whenever we meet,
I'm careful not to hug you too tightly.

I fear that you'll disintegrate
into a cloud of cocaine.

You have the most artificially
constructed personality of anyone I know.

It's just a shame you've based it on
Score-Kaj and an old rubber boot.

Not to liken you to a walking bag of coke

but LOC keeps saying,
"Where do I know you from again?"

It's Victor you should focus on.

Victor is our communal little brother

because we constantly have to remind him
to do the most basic things:

Brush his teeth, change his sheets,
pay off his drug debt.

Good job we set up
that payment plan with Bandidos

or your teeth would have looked
even more fucked up today.

You blame your dentist,
but it's not his job to brush them,

and he wouldn't use enriched uranium
like you apparently do.

"Despite your teeth"…

there are plenty of young women
who find you hot.

You know…
No stupid six-pack and big guns, right?

No requirement for basic personal hygiene!

Just get rid of it!

Pale and anemic is beautiful, Victor!

-Hurray!
-Yes!

Stop.

I'm just imagining
all of those young women

who are lusting for a Hattifattener
sporting an earring and a cardigan.

If you don't know what a Hattifattener is,

it's those glow-in-the-dark condoms
from The Moomins.

Interestingly, that's Victor's
preferred type of contraception.

Just kidding. That would be abortion.

Because that's free for Victor.

That's brutal.

I'm sweating a bit.

Victor, you're the opposite
of the tortured artist.

Your parents' divorce is
the worst thing that's happened to you.

And you were 20 when that happened.

-Is that true?
-Yes.

That didn't stop you from doing
not just one but three shows

about your parents' divorce.
It wasn't even your divorce.

I did a whole show about getting my period

but at least that's something
I experience once a month.

Actually, my parents also got divorced
when I was 20, so I understand

that you should have gotten over that
a long time ago.

Your new show is called…

-Someday.
-Yes.

So I've taken the liberty
to finish the title for you.

Someday… I'll grow up
and take responsibility for my life.

Someday… I'll stop wearing clothes
I've found on the street.

Someday… Periodontitis will take my teeth.

Stop!

Natasha Brock. Well done.

Natasha's roast was insanely brutal.

You've gone all red.

"Abortion as a preferred type
of contraception." That's harsh.

She was vicious as usual.

She has a filthy mouth on her.
She should wash it out with soap

like all good girls have been told.

How cool was that?

-Football and red wine.
-Forget it.

-I've never felt more at home.
-We're playing beer bowling.

-What about us sober alcoholics?
-Just give Torben your drink.

I've got beer and apple juice.

I need to double-check these
or else I'll be getting Liam drunk.

There's an invisible fence around us.

You have to step over it
when you walk out.

-Where is the invisible fence?
-It's invisible.

"There is a fence." Fuck you guys.
I don't know what to do with that.

-If I hit it?
-Then they drink.

-If I don't?
-Then it's their turn.

-Do I have to drink?
-No, Torben has to drink.

One ball, two bottles.
Why is that so hard to understand?

-That's one for you.
-We also have an invisible gate.

-You have to greet the little gnome.
-Right. Hello, little gnome.

-Here we go.
-No.

-Don't forget the fence.
-Well done, Torben.

-This is so stupid.
-I don't want to fall, do I?

-May I?
-Yes.

-Right…
-I hope no one gets tackled.

Good job avoiding the fence, Liam.

This fence is just hilarious.
How awesome is that?

It's amazing how you've maintained
your integrity for 25 years

until today, when we see you
scale an imaginary fence.

The great gangsta rapper LOC
has hereby been laid to rest.

That's a hit. Yes! Great job.

-Good job.
-Tackle!

I'm definitely seen
as the little brother of the group.

I get dope-slapped. I'm assuming
it's because they're afraid of me.

They can see me coming.

It's about to get even worse.
Our next roaster is Nikolaj Stokholm.

-Notes!
-Thank you.

Victor. You are the stand-up equivalent
of Sussi & Leo.

You're horny, your career is floundering

and your material is shit,
but people can't stop watching.

Torben used that on me, but I thought
I'd show him how a pro does it.

I met you when you were 13 or 14
and had just started in this business.

And three years later, here we are.
Suddenly you were gone.

Every young boy takes a few years' break
for the purpose of masturbation.

Welcome back to the business, Liam.

Victor, you did a one-man show
called Weekend.

There's something for your Irish family.

And that was, incidentally, also the time
it took you to complete the tour.

To be more fair, you did an extra show,
so it was more of a long weekend.

It's no secret that you have
enormously long arms.

On behalf of all of Denmark,
let me ask you this:

How about using those arms to take a bath?

It just so happens
that Amazon Prime has a disclaimer.

The age restriction is listed as 16
in the top corner. So get out!

You can't reach your own demographic here.
Not even with those long arms.

Imagine if LOC did a show
and banned drug addicts from it.

Or if Torben did a show,
and people actually showed up.

That's not a thing.

Your jokes, like your body, are overlong.

But you have a heart of gold.

Why else would you burst into charity
shops and ask for unsellable items?

Victor, you're going to be
taking over my hosting gig

on Det sorte kageshow,

so I'll leave you with a quote
from one of our great artists,

"Anyone can do this. No, they can't."

"They actually can't. I'm the only one."

Nikolaj Stokholm!

Nikolaj Stokholm is so incredibly funny.

Let's give him a round of applause.

It's that magic he has.

As the umpire,
I'm switching out Linda and Natasha.

Some people will be like,
"When is he going to grow up?"

I can't roast him on that, though,
since I haven't quite grown up either.

Boom!

Torben is the only one actually drinking.

-Torben is warmed up now.
-You can't bowl sober.

The more beer he drinks,
the better he gets at throwing that ball.

And at driving.
But that's a Jutlandic thing.

That's allowed in Jutland.

-We won.
-I'm looking forward to the next roast.

This must be a highlight of your career.

I'm just glad you're calling it a career.

I might zero in
on his time in the media industry.

Not nearly enough has been said
about him shagging his way to success.

Please welcome Torben Chris, everybody.

Victor Lander. I see why you might feel
they've missed the mark a bit.

That's because they haven't
gone out with you as much as I have.

They don't know the actual reason
why you are on Ramasjang.

Out of all Danish performers,
you're the one who gets the fewest girls.

But you sure as hell get a lot of women.

Because he's not going after the children,
but picking up their mothers.

"There's Victor Lander,
our little media darling."

Do you realize how many female bosses
there are in the Danish media industry?

Victor has done his bit
for gender equality by showing us

that it's not just young girls
who can fuck their way to the top.

Go rewatch Sofie Linde's speech
from the comedy gala where she says,

"I refused to perform oral sex
at that Christmas party. Yet here I am."

Victor was thinking,
"But you were 30 before you made it."

"I was where you are now at 20,

and I never refused to perform oral sex
on any boss."

You were cast in Krummerne
about the difficulties of being 11.

Well, being 11 doesn't get easier when
Victor Lander is banging your mom.

You're probably thinking,
"That's the movie with Julie Ølgaard."

Don't worry.
She's much too young for Victor.

Somehow you got that gig on Sikker & Søn,

which is a children's program
that teaches people about road safety.

Why is it only Onkel Reje who gets into
shitstorms for the content on Ramasjang

when you're the one banging all the moms?

When he goes out,
he gets picked up by suburban moms

who recognize him as the son
from Sikker & Søn.

It's so inappropriate
that you'll be railing a mom going,

"Who's your daddy?"
"Not you. You're the son."

And as mentioned, your sense of style
is completely fucked up.

Your style is so bad it's been
praised by me on several occasions.

That's why you go to thrift shops. You can
pick up the old crones behind the counter.

"Hello, young man."

It should be a roast
but you're laughing and thinking,

"I thought this would be tough, but it's
turning into a dating app just for me."

"Now I can get in touch with women
whose fingers are too frail for Tinder."

"Thank you so much, Torben."
Well, it was my pleasure, Victor.

Get over here and give me a hug.

Give it up for Torben Chris, everybody.

It sounded a little bit
like you were jealous.

I've had a girlfriend
ever since I got into comedy.

-You just want to shag some old ladies.
-Hell yeah.

-Oh, shit.
-Oh, man.

You're feeling the heat now, eh?

Well, it's all just jokes.
You should know that.

It's an issue
that Torben knows me so well.

If that's all true,
I can't help but feel a little left out.

You don't pick up on my signals, Linda.

My mom's going to watch this.

She doesn't watch anything you do.

You can never take the juice bar
out of the man.

After high school, I needed to get a job
to support myself while I banged chicks.

I traded someone for my first shift
and was asked to close up for the day.

So I did. Later on, I got a call
from the guy I closed up with who said,

"Did you remember
to roll down the shutter out front?"

I'm like, "What shutter?"

The entrance to Joe & The Juice is also
the entrance to the department store.

That night, someone broke in,

and Humac had a shop
next to Joe & The Juice…

How much did you steal, Liam?

Someone swiped 300,000-400,000 krone
worth of computers from Humac.

He's completely useless.

The first time I met you, you messed up
my order at Joe & The Juice.

Right, we met each other there.

I forgot I served Liam once.
But he was LOC back then.

-What did you order?
-Not what I got.

And now you're messing up
the trip to Cyprus.

I got my juice order 12 years later,
and it still tasted like piss.

Thank you, Viggo.

Thank you for a great juice
and great company.

-That should be his motto.
-Yeah.

I'm looking forward to roasting him.

I still don't know how sensitive he is.

Dear Victor.

You've now turned 30
and will now be venturing into adulthood.

Here's an enormously delayed
confirmation ceremony speech

delivered by your Uncle Liam.

Your parents couldn't be here
since they are divorced.

And like all children of divorce
you must be asking yourself,

"Was it my fault?" No, it wasn't, Victor.

But they got divorced once you moved out,

so it's your fault
they didn't get divorced sooner.

They could have had six amazing years
apart if you'd gone to boarding school.

Victor is a child of Generation Me,
so even when his parents said

that the divorce wasn't about him,
he went, "I can make it about me."

This isn't widely known

but Victor's show Weekend was originally
going to be called Every Other Weekend.

We're all very, very proud
of all your healthy hobbies.

You're so good at playing with LEGO.

And you were an obvious choice
to host Lego Masters

since you're used to showing
your little bits to children.

It was mentioned before
that you appeared on Sikker & Søn

where you teach children to stay safe.

And now there's a whole generation that
will use condoms after seeing your face.

Remember to use a condom if you're
a horny little devil like our Victor.

At the comedy gala, Victor said

that he and his friend had blown each
other while watching Jul på Vesterbro.

I won't judge anyone
for an Anders Matthesen-inspired BJ.

It would have been worse to do it
while listening to his rap albums.

It can sound a bit lame and tacky
with all that dick-sucking talk,

but when Victor does it,
it's brave, not tacky.

Victor has found himself,
more than once, in the spot where

top comedians dream of,
explaining their jokes on Aftenshowet.

Why did you try to suck
your own dick the first time, Victor?

"It was probably to fill the void
created by my parents' divorce."

Like I said, your parents
couldn't be here today,

because they probably would have told you
to dress properly.

There's a limit to how long
you can look like Willy Wonka on welfare.

My advice is: Get a proper haircut,
a proper job and get out of this business

before you get desperate for money
and get talked into a trip to Cyprus.

Before you know it,
you'll be telling jokes

to losers who also haven't paid taxes
on their secondary income.

That bad taste in your mouth will be worse
than when you watched Jul på Vesterbro.

They grow up so fast.
Here's to our Victor.

Liam O'Connor.

Well done.

It was an honor. My God! Liam is at
my confirmation and not on a bender.

I always get freaked out when a Catholic
starts talking about young boys' balls.

I did the confirmation speech to emphasize

that I could be his uncle
but definitely not his dad.

-What do you think of tonight's roast?
-It was fucking good.

I can't wrap my head around
what people have said.

I can only remember
bits and pieces of crazy swipes.

I didn't realize I had such ugly teeth.

-I haven't fucked that many moms.
-Yes, you have.

If you look at
who could take the victory tonight,

I think maybe,
it could be Liam because of the speech.

It could be you. You were the roughest.

We have to choose
the best roaster of the night

but that is not possible.
For the first time ever

we have two roasters of the evening

because it was so close.

The first one
had extremely hard-hitting jokes

which means that the first time
wasn't a fluke. Liam O'Connor.

Now, to our second roaster of the evening.
The best way to describe them is,

"We nearly died laughing."
Nikolaj Stokholm.

-What up, homie?
-What up?

Of course. When I'm in the chair,
we make history.

Of course there are two
so good they have to share.

-We share the win.
-Yes.

I want to get the win in odd weeks.

If you take it for Easter,
I'll get it for Christmas.

And birthday.

It's my turn tomorrow.
I think I've been very nice to you.

Nice is not what you have been.
And that's perfect,

because it's more fun to roast someone

-who held nothing back.
-True.

-Wow. That looks lovely.
-Hi, guys.

-What did you do?
-Are we here to worship you?

Yes. One of you will be sacrificed.

-What the hell are you doing?
-Sitting on a pillow.

Why do you have to
make everything so awkward?

It's time for us
to replenish our self-confidence.

We do that by being mindful
and performing self-care.

I've found some face masks for us to wear.

Christ! I know straightaway
that this isn't for me.

How is Torben the only one
who knows how to wear it properly?

That's the big question.

-Who wants to be a cow?
-I do.

This is disgusting.

-Isn't this nice?
-It's amazing.

I've never had to sit
next to Torben Chris in a face mask

and had to find that relaxing.

-How long do we wear these?
-About 15-20 minutes.

-Until your integrity disappears.
-Oh, it's already gone.

Welcome to the comedy sideshow.
Are you happy about your career choice?

I don't want this to air.

-I thought this would have been nicer.
-Did you really?

-Did you think this was a good idea?
-I thought you'd be open to it.

They already seem too hyped-up
for my upcoming roast.

-What a load of shit.
-Are you roasting me already?

I'm afraid I've just poured
more fuel on the fire.

Natasha, I've rummaged around
in your personal life

and have packed a case of your items.

There was one think I couldn't fit,
so I have an extra case.

They are bringing in a flight case.

I don't have anything
that would have to go into that.

Oh, I know. That's your stripper case.

It's the oldest item you have.
It's from the late '80s.

-It can cause hearing loss. Any guesses?
-No.

Let's find out.

ROAST ON THE COAST - DENMARK