All language subtitles for Roast on the Coast S02E02.en-us.dialog

Today, we will shine the light on a man
with the same brightness as a spotlight.

But where the hell is he? It's funny
you ask. Here he comes, Nikolaj Stokholm.

You've tanned?

Yes, and with that,
I've disarmed your roasts.

Now I am normal.

The point is
that I've figured out they will

make jokes about me being pale
so I thought it funny to disarm them.

Give it up for Nikolaj Stokholm!

I think it's brave of him,
considering it's close to blackfacing.

He just looked like
a normal guy from Hvidovre.

Are you ready, Nikolaj?

I was quite calm, but as I sat down,
I got somewhat anxious.

It's time for our first roaster: L.O.C.

We'd like to use his jokes here
if he hasn't already sold them to TDC.

Please welcome Liam O'Connor.

He's being thrown in among people who have
done comedy for more than 20 years.

He hasn't even done it for 20 months.

I was a bit nervous
about having to do this roast.

Just like you don't wake a sleepwalker
for fear of traumatizing them,

you don't tell
one of Denmark's comedy greats

that his entire career
has been a special needs job.

Nikolaj is like
a reverse sunflower lanyard.

He has all the visible disabilities.

He's just too blind to spot them.

It was Nikolaj's impaired vision
that kept him from getting a gun license.

As a result, Denmark never got the
most obvious school shooter in history.

Calm down. He wouldn't have hit anyone.

You're translucent.
Or rather you usually are.

When your children draw pictures of you,
the paper already has the right color.

And his teeth make up
the darkest part of his body.

I'm colorblind anyway, so I'm not missing
out on anything when I look at you.

And the same thing goes for your comedy.

I was watching your show,

and my 3-year-old daughter walked in
and asked, "What's that, Dad?"

I said, "I haven't got a bloody clue.
But it calls itself 'Stokkepikkefar.'"

"If you ever see one of those on the
playground, run as fast as you can."

"Well, run two meters away,
and it won't be able to see you."

Nikolaj has stated that he didn't lose
his virginity until he got on TV.

That's a bit gross because his first gig
was on the children's channel Ramasjang.

Now you're married to a beautiful lady
who happens to be an influencer.

A classic influencer trick is to go find
an ugly dog in order to get likes.

It seems that she has just taken that
a step further.

Nikolaj pulled someone
far out of his league.

Of course, I'm referring to that time
he snogged Amin Jensen.

That makes Amin Jensen the funniest thing
to come out of your mouth.

Damn, that's funny.

Nikolaj truly is one of the greatest
comedians we have in Denmark.

You are in a remedial class of your own.
Thank you.

Well done.

Wow!

-Great roast by Liam.
-You rarely see such a great debut.

It's kind of annoying to be honest.

A virginity has been lost
on Danish television.

-I was proud of Dad.
-That's good, my son.

-"Reverse sunflower lanyard" got me.
-That was funny.

He's quite fierce and tough,
and he has a very confrontational manner.

ROAST ON THE COAST - DENMARK

Picnic for me is the 1800s,
people wore their Sunday best.

And then people went to Dyrehaven
and danced the conga line.

And then the children played
and ate cow dung.

As seen in the old Skagen paintings.

There may not be many Skagen paintings
of Dyrehaven, but you get the picture.

Wow.

Greetings, friends.

-Hi.
-Well.

I just thought
we should have a little picnic.

I know you're thinking, "Are we going
to get something thrown in our faces?"

You won't. We'll just have some fruit
and a small glass.

-Lovely!
-Wonderful!

How are you sitting?

Don't you know how to sit?

Then you're definitely from Rungsted.
"How do you sit down on a blanket?"

-Cheers!
-Cheers!

And thank you for having us
on this wonderful trip.

-Did you just drink the whole thing?
-Yes.

I don't have many friends, but I must say
reflux is my good old friend.

Which drops by several times a day.

Every breath that man takes is like taking
a piss on evolution.

Useless human being.

You're so bad at picnics that you don't
know which way your stick should point.

I was thinking,
"Damn, you really have to poke."

There's a lot more to roast Stokholm on
than there was on Liam.

Is there anything here
you will write about?

I focus almost exclusively on
his ugliness, so I can take the pictures.

I'll be doing a bit
about him stealing his current look.

Do you remember
our old booker, Jesper Holger?

Stokholm wore casual clothes
when he started performing.

But then he started hanging out
with Jesper Holger

who would wear '60s suits and bow ties,

and Nikolaj gradually began
to take over Jesper's style.

I'll get into that in my roast.

-I'm excited for your roasts.
-Let's do it.

This is gonna be so easy.

There's so much for them to talk about.

And that's why I'm wishing them good luck.

With your career suicides.

Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Torben Chris.

Imagine me doing that
while being ugly at the same time.

Apparently, you're so ugly
that I can get away with that joke.

Someone had to dress like you today.
You've chosen to dress like Donald Trump.

You look so carsick that the rest of us
have to ask for a sick bag.

You don't just do one-man shows.
You do one-man freak shows.

You're the comedy equivalent
of Sussi and Leo.

Some people come to your show
just to see if you really exist.

You're an enigma. Did you guys know
that he's a trained drywall carpenter?

Or "skin tone carpenter"
as you describe it.

How are you a carpenter?
You're blind and shoulderless.

I'm surprised how hot your wife is.
You'd think she was the blind one.

But she saw all the zeros
on your bank account.

Not to say that she's with him
just for the money.

Maybe she's just into zeros in general.

I know these are all jokes based on your
looks but you've also made those jokes.

You milk your bad looks more than
Geo ever milked his cancer diagnosis.

And I think that's completely fair.

After all, your looks are more tragic
than a cancer diagnosis.

Also, sometimes it's possible
to cure cancer.

When you're walking next to your wife

it reminds me of some fat, disgusting
Danish guy with a young Thai woman.

You start thinking,
"She deserves for him to die first."

And we hope that you do.
Hang in there, lady!

There's light at the end of the tunnel.
Or darkness at the end of the albino.

I do have to admit
that you have a strong form on stage.

Which is more than I can say
for your penis.

Unlike you, that little fella
sure does get stage fright.

You didn't get enough praise
for performing nude at the Gala.

We have such unrealistic beauty standards

but after your performance, young people
were more than happy with their own looks.

Your dick is so small
that Torben Chris can poke fun at it.

You might think I'm dressed
as Nikolaj Stokholm right now.

But I'm actually dressed
as Nikolaj Stokholm's booker 15 years ago.

Jesper Holger. You remember him!

When I first met Nikolaj in high school
and gave him his first opening gig

he was a relatively regular guy
who wore hoodies and T-shirts.

Then he meets this booker,
and they start hanging out

and like some stalker, Nikolaj
slowly steals Jesper Holger's look.

He introduced you to your regular haunt,
Café Gammeltorv,

where you now have your own table
with an engraved plaque.

You've stolen the man's identity
and now have your own table…

Well, you did have a table, because
I went down there with a screwdriver

and switched plaques. It no longer says
"Nikolaj Stokholm, entertainer."

-It says: "Jesper Holger, fashion icon."
-Dickhead!

You've taken over his identity to such an
extent he is a wannabe Nikolaj Stokholm.

And you didn't even stay with him.
You found a different booker.

Instead now he has to work as a teacher
in Vanløse.

Here's your plaque.

What the hell? I fought hard to get this.

-I know.
-Give it up for Torben Chris.

That was as much a prank
as it was a roast.

He also did a good deed and got
Jesper Holger the justice he deserves.

You massive dickhead!

You've actually taken down my plaque in
my favorite restaurant. That's horrible.

-It seems like you felt dishonored.
-He messed with something sacred.

I'm fond of Holger
and his impeccable sense of style.

If I had to lose my plaque to anyone,
I'm happy that it's to Holger.

No!

-We waited an hour for that?
-No!

Lovely.

I knew I would be the one
supplying a touch a culture here.

I'm quite highbrow,
and I'm a history buff.

You look like a theme park mascot.
I can't deal with it.

I have to go make cotton candy but first…

There's no beauty in war.
Except, perhaps in naval battles.

They require good seamanship and bravery.

Liam and Torben are a team.
Linda and Victor are a team and…

There were no brown people
in this naval battle.

-You belong in the cargo hold.
-Well, it's true.

Natasha, I'm giving you an amazing part
to play. Madame Brock, a timid character.

Your costume is right there.

I'm dressed
like one of his fantasies, aren't I?

Why does it look like a costume witches
wore before being burned at the stake?

I feel cool and gross at the same time.

Victor and Torben have to
knock each other off the board.

Whoever knocks the others
off the boards wins.

Knocking people off boards
is right up my alley.

That sounds amazing.

-Let's go!
-Go!

-Go for the throat.
-Good!

Victor has lost the first battle.

I didn't have time to play dirty.
He fell off on his own.

He's fleeing.

Torben Chris is
a world class naval offender.

I don't stand a chance here.

Shoot him in the head, Madame Brock!

I got caught up in the moment.

The joy of war.

And the opportunity to shoot someone

was apparently
a deep-seated desire for me.

Shoot him in the head, Madame Brock!

Victor has fallen off!

-Damn it!
-Victor!

How can you lose three times?

-I'm enjoying this too much.
-It suits you.

That went beyond all expectations.

-Yay!
-Great naval battle.

I gave them a bit of culture.

-Die, colonist!
-Madame Brock! Are you mad?

It's going to be trickier to roast him now
that I know he's so historically inclined,

which I think is cool.

I have a new-found…
Or I have found some respect for him.

Shoot him in the head, Madame Brock.

Give it up for Natasha Brock.

Please don't take them off.

Nikolaj, if I'm honest,
I panic-wrote most of this material.

I didn't think you'd be here
since you notoriously hate traveling.

Cyprus' thoughts on Stokholm were like
Denmark's initial thoughts on Covid,

"It will never reach us."

I wrote some jokes about Ruben Søltoft,
because I thought he'd stand in for you.

So, now all my jokes about having
a big head only apply to me.

-Or L.O.C.
-What did I do?

I'm really happy you went into stand-up.

Despite your comedy,
you would have become famous anyway

but mainly as the culprit
in some true crime podcast

still called "Stokkepikkefar."

I know you'd have murdered
a number of women.

I just don't know if you would have
violated them before or after?

I'm guessing it would have been after.

You lack the upper body strength
to pin someone down.

After your family home in Randers
burned down, you had to move to Greve.

It's rare that you can start a sentence
with "our house burned down"

and have it get much worse from there.

The city of Greve is home
to a lot of Danish neo-Nazis.

I wonder what they must have thought
when they saw you.

"Maybe it can get a bit too Aryan."

You truly love the 1960s,
so I fully understand if you are shocked

that a woman just introduced another woman
and neither is a waitress.

-And this one is speaking to me…
-Yes.

-Okay, Beavis and Butt-Head.
-Sorry.

I'm almost done. Just let me finish.

You love the whole '60s vibe
with the open-faced sandwiches, pipes

and comedians who steal
each other's jokes.

I get why you're passionate about
the old days. Nostalgia is in right now.

Oh, that's why you're here!

-He's in the hot seat now!
-But I've got so much on you.

People often ask me
why I don't want children.

I'm shocked that no one has asked you
why you've had them.

How many times did your partner, Mussemor,
broach the topic of a sperm donor?

And was it Ruben Søltoft's?

I know you consider yourself
a big famine man…

Sorry, family man. Potato-potahto.

"Family man" is a bit rich for a man
who is away from home 150 days a year.

But at least your absence has paid off.

In 2021, you were named comedian
of the year at the Zulu Comedy Galla.

The same year you hosted it.
It's important for me to say

that those two things are unrelated.
I don't even know why I said it.

There was no foul play when Nikolaj won
the biggest award he ever dreamed of.

It's just pure coincidence. And I…

Wait. What in the world…

"Winner of this year's roast of
Nikolaj Stokholm by Natasha Brock

who had nothing to do
with this award process."

-This is my first award ever.
-Congratulations.

I can't believe this.

-Thank you, Nikolaj.
-Thanks.

We've now seen the real Natasha,
and she's batshit crazy.

Nazism, necrophilia and Natasha Brock,
ladies and gentlemen.

-I'm enjoying this a little.
-You're enjoying this far too much.

The worst part of being
the only woman here apart from Linda is

that the other guys' rooms are
incredibly disgusting. I mean, in here…

Nope!

This is a sign
Torben Chris put up himself.

"Do not clean this room."

Ew!

Nikolaj Stokholm was adamant
about us not entering his room.

So, I'm just going to…

Our next roaster is
a man called Victor Lander.

He's done a lot of material
about sucking his teenage friend's dick.

I'm all for experimenting
with one's sexuality and all that

but it shouldn't be because
you can't reach your own junk.

Please welcome Victor Lander.

In my defense I had tried to reach my own.

It's your turn to get roasted,
and it's been a long time coming.

Since we got off the plane.
Remember sunscreen, dumbass.

Before I get started, I'd like to say
that we're all in agreement

that we don't do certain
look-based jokes anymore.

-Jokes about fat shaming and slut shaming.
-Why did you look at me?

Pure coincidence.

However, jokes about you being hideous
are not off-limits.

I was a bit nervous being last today

as my jokes focus on your looks.

But I'm relieved that we've
only seen the top of the iceberg so far.

You look like a deflated Michelin Man.

I can't believe you've made
that much TV while being that ugly.

I had a joke about how pale you are.
Just look at him… Shit!

-It's all messed up now.
-Just like the Queen's speech.

-You have to staple them together.
-I have to.

-Do you need help?
-Yes, I do.

He's usually so on top of things, so it's
going to be difficult to roast him.

He never puts a foot wrong.

That one belongs… No…

I thought it was just a rumor
that he banged her. How quaint.

He's faltering a bit,
but he's still quite charming.

That one goes there.
Okay, I think we've got it now.

-Perfect. We're ready.
-Thank you.

We'd be hard-pressed

to find a more Nazi-friendly face
like yours.

The viewers won't know if they've
turned on Amazon Prime or White Prime.

How is it possible to look like
a high-ranking member of the Nazi Party

and someone who was in
a concentration camp at the same time?

Pictures of you show
that you were an ugly child too.

Every time you pitched an idea
for a television program,

the editor went,
"Terrible idea, but it's his dying wish."

Stokholm once visited
a children's cancer ward at a hospital.

How noble of you to show these kids
that it can get much, much worse.

I'd also be ready to let go

if I lay dying in my hospital bed

and you walked in going, "Well,
Chemo Daddy has entered the building!"

That's harsh.

It must suck to get there and
the hospital clown just did your material.

In 2014, you did the program
Det sorte kageshow.

A television show
in which kids baked cakes in the dark.

The concept was so good
that you won an Emmy,

not for the show but for turning off
the lights when you came onscreen.

Sjit Happens would have won an Oscar
if they had filmed it in the dark.

Oscars are for movies. This was a TV show.

-This is your roast.
-Yes.

And yes, I now sadly
host the very same show.

But I'm a big fan of recycling.

I see your TV career as
a type of thrift shop

where I can pick up a hand-me-down gig
for half the pay.

You would do anything for a good laugh

except write a decent joke,
practice it, deliver it and refine it.

You just speak in a crazy voice while
doing your cum face.

"Any questions?"

Thanks for letting me roast you.

He was very tough, and that suits him.

Give it up for Victor Lander.

-Hitler, children with cancer…
-Yes.

It's like a cobra strike. It's so sudden.

The best roaster of the evening
was the wittiest of the bunch.

Every delivery was incredible tight.

He had the best joke of the evening

and the performance was the craziest
loss of virginity I've witnessed.

Liam O'Connor is today's best roaster.

Hug, everyone.

Well done.

If I had to highlight just one thing

it has to be the term
"reverse sunflower lanyard."

Next time,
we have Victor Lander in the hot seat.

-My roast is next. I'm done for.
-Oh, it's you.

We are only getting started
and now it gets even worse.

LATER

I brought a gun.
That could be interesting.

Do you want to see my Legos? I choke
my chicken when I watch PAW Patrol.

Abortion is
Victor's contraception of choice.

-This sucks!
-Have we started roasting or what?

There's no turning back!

-My mom will watch this.
-She doesn't watch anything you do.

ROAST ON THE COAST - DENMARK