All language subtitles for Roast on the Coast S02E01.en-us.dialog

-Very nice.
-This is gorgeous.

Sure, we can pretend
that this is Linda's summer house.

-Hi, Linda.
-Hi.

Welcome to wonderful Cyprus.

-Looking good.
-So are you, old friend.

You look like someone's bearded uncle
at a caravan site.

I have gathered four funny comedians
and a rapper.

That sounds like the title
of a boring porno.

You've started doing stand-up,

so why not start that journey
in front of all of Denmark?

I'm just relived I don't have to rhyme.
That is basically it.

Tonight, we'll put Liam in the hot seat.

We comedians are used to being bullied.

The new kid shouldn't miss out.

I'd just like to note

that this "new kid"
we'll be bullying has tattooed knuckles.

And you're right by the pool.

That's a bit disconcerting.
He's is not your typical bullying victim.

Welcome to Roasted!

I am your roast-queen.
Prepare yourselves, this is going to hurt.

I have invited five funny and aggressive
comedians on a wonderful roast-vacation.

I want to talk about his nudity.

I can't be the only one who thinks
he looks like a serial killer.

Find your own idea.

Why don't you do that
with your own jokes, Linda?

It gets even worse.

I don't understand

why Onkel Reje ends up in shitstorms when
you are the one fucking all the mothers.

Natasha, if no more children are born,
who will Torben Chris take baths with?

No!

They are all competing to be
the best roaster of the evening.

Viva!

But in the end it's all about leaving here
as the winner of Roasted.

ROAST ON THE COAST - DENMARK

Try asking the cards a question,

if it's black, then it's no,
if it's red, then it's yes.

-Where is…
-It was a yes/no question, you idiot.

It is difficult to assess
the chances of winning tonight

because I have no idea
what the others are bringing to the table.

Liam is a wild card.

-Suitcase-time.
-And you brought Liam's key.

Exactly.

I went to your homes
and packed a suitcase with your stuff.

Liam would know all about going into
strangers' homes and taking their stuff.

When Linda shows up with a crowbar
and lets us know

that she's been in my home
I get a little nervous.

-Use the crowbar.
-Yeah, maybe Liam should help.

There's a lot…
The absinthe should look familiar.

-What are the walkie talkies doing here?
-They're baby monitors.

Is this for when
you're doing your thieving?

-Why do you look like Stokholm?
-I can't really disguise myself.

He looks like he's on his way
to a sex club… on his own.

Just walk into a sex club with a crowbar
and a baby monitor…

"It's Tuesday again!"

It's going to be difficult to roast
someone who has won so much platinum.

What I find interesting
about your album Inkarneret

is that you don't remember any of
the recordings because you were so drunk.

How does it feel to hear this album
with songs you don't know?

Every time we rehearsed, I thought,
"Who the hell wrote this crap?"

Oh, it's me.

It's really funny to trash talk Liam
because I'm a fan.

His music is freaking good. I have
been to at least 30 L.O.C. concerts.

-Those are DMA awards.
-I thought they were pipe bombs.

-It's the real deal.
-There are a few of them.

There is a lot of success in that case,
but if you look at the dates,

you'll see that it isn't recent success.

Liam, we are going to bad-mouth you now,
so we can roast you later.

-I can't wait.
-Good.

-See you.
-What a dickhead.

-I think you're supposed to use that one.
-Nikolaj uses the one for the baby.

You up?

It's a little nerve-racking
to have to go first in this roasting thing

because we don't know the level yet.

But it must be much harder for the others
to have to follow me.

Daddy is coming down to you.

Do you want to get some tattoos, baby?

In tonight's hot seat, we have one of the
most seminal voices of Danish rap music

and one of the most
insignificant voices of Danish stand-up.

Liam O'Connor, ladies and gentlemen.

Our first roaster has the complexion
of a jellyfish dipped in chlorine.

-No.
-It's going to get worse.

If you're offended now, just you wait.

Let's hear it for Nikolaj Stokholm.

Dealing with Nikolaj
is like trying to hug a pit bull.

You don't know
if it's going in for a hug or a bite.

Dear Liam…
It's really cool to have you here.

It's great that you could fill in
on short notice,

now that we couldn't get René Dif
through customs.

Seeing as you're Irish, I've decide
that a part of my speech will be in Irish.

That way, your Irish ancestry
can also keep tabs.

You've said that you can't remember
your album Inkarneret

due to your drug use.
Well, neither can we.

I've never done drugs
and I can't remember any of your work.

I can't remember anything…
Including Inkarneret.

Does my complexion
make you want to snort me?

You were highly praised
for your smash hit "Undskyld, so."

Music is all about interpretation

and my interpretation is that your song
is directed at conventional farming.

It's your way of apologizing
to all the small pigs.

I have other suggestions
for a title relating to animal welfare

that you might use for a song.

I imagine the song "Fuck That Swan"
will be an instant hit.

Actually, that has nothing
to do with animal welfare.

But we've all had the urge, right? Yeah.

It makes a lot of sense
that you've now switched to stand-up

because you've reached the age at which it
just looks weird wearing reading glasses

while writing "Smack the Hoes."

"Let me put on a sash
and write the smash hit 'Fuck That Swan.'"

-That's all from me.
-Nikolaj Stokholm.

Let's get a selfie later.

The man is hysterically funny,
so being roasted by him is unique.

I know I got rinsed, but it was great.

If we didn't know who you are,
we might be thinking,

"He hasn't quite understood
the assignment."

I'm actually not sure I have.

Thank you for that speech.

-You good? Was it too rough?
-I'm not sure.

I might wake up covered in sweat tonight
screaming, "Fuck the Swan."

Our next roaster this evening
is Victor Lander.

Hi, Liam. Good to see you.
I am also from Aarhus.

Like two peas in a pod.

Thanks for taking time out
of your 32nd gap year to be here with us.

You're starting your comedy career
by opening for BROS on their arena tour.

Whose circumcised doner kebab
have you been noshing on to get that gig?

How is it that four random comedians are
doing an arena tour with an aging rapper?

What's next, Kesi and Gilli doing
a hoedown tour with Torben Chris?

Sponsored by some hardware store.
You know you are white, right?

You might have forgotten. You haven't seen
a mirror since you stopped doing coke.

Liam will walk into your home and wonder
why the coke tray is on the wall.

You can tour with Bros all you want,
but you're still just a step-bro.

They just needed a white guy to drive
the bus so they wouldn't get pulled over.

It sucks that you got that gig
because I would have wanted it.

I don't want to pull a reverse L.O.C.

But I'm going to attempt to fill the void

you've left on the rap stage.

Okay.

No, don't clap.

I'm the reverse L.O.C. You call me C.O.L.

LO.C., Liam O' Connor is what you get
When you mix whiskey and dishonor

This guy is a nutter. He once had ladies
Grab his wand like he was Harry Potter

8210! That postcode ain't the shit
Unless you are bougie, latte-swilling tit

And if getting drunk
Has now become a huge no

Why would you ever give comedy a go?

Not to burden you with remorse and regrets
But a sober Irishman

Is as ironic as it gets

The man once banked a million in his stash
Now opening for idiots with too much cash

Lost your way? Need some help from Maps?
Accept that you'll never be a real shabab

Welcome to your first lesson in humility

You ain't no tough guy here
You're just soft like Felicity

Victor Lander. Very nice.

I just strained my neck.

-You're getting old too.
-Yeah.

-Any competition there?
-I know someone who'll sign you.

"32nd gap year." That was really funny.
Let's hear it for Victor Lander.

Can I offer you some lunch?

I don't mind trying new foods.
If they're tasty.

But when an inked-up guy rocks up with
a plate of tongue and snails,

there's no way in hell I am eating it.
That's his business.

-Why is there a string in this?
-It's a tampon.

Linda, for heaven's sake!
Don't put them on the table again.

Especially the used ones!
Damn, how annoying!

I was called a picky eater as a child
because I didn't like warm carrots.

Since then I have tried
to make up for that

by trying local delicacies in every
country I travel to. Help yourselves.

-It's wobbly.
-Would you like a sausage?

-This is the least bad part.
-Just a small bit.

-How about a taste, Torben?
-No.

You don't eat the skin, do you?
It looks disgusting.

Is it just the skin that looks disgusting?

It's…

It tastes pretty good.

Torben approaches food the same way he
does fashion. He doesn't give a shit.

You're just chowing down
but still haven't touched your water.

You don't like that. "That's the
most disgusting thing on the table."

-What the hell is this?
-I want a beer!

I watch those ear wax removal videos…

-Why? That's kind of weird.
-I completely gave myself away there.

-Yeah, that's the weird part.
-What happened there?

That's a wild statement to make.

This is really lovely.

But it's getting a little too friendly.
We're meant to be roasting each other.

Our next roaster is

No!

I don't know where that came from. Sorry.

This woman is less edgy than a Teletubby.
It's Natasha Brock, ladies and gentlemen.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

Let the duel commence.

Liam, L.O.C.
I'm not sure what to call you.

Right now, you just look
like a random guy called Leif.

I was really excited to meet you. You were
one of my great idols when I was younger.

But I have to admit
that I'm a bit underwhelmed.

You know…

I was looking forward
to meeting the great L.O.C.

Now, I'm more like,
"L.O. Can you still see?"

Can you hear me?

Don't be confused.

I know I look like a care worker,
but it's me, Natasha.

Seriously, when did you get so old?

You look like a reference
only Nikolaj Stokholm would get.

What happened?

I used to work in a nursing home

so I know that people tend to get
a little disoriented with age.

I just want to make sure
that you're supposed to be here.

You haven't accidentally walked
onto a plane

while on your way to do
an end of life interview?

-Yeah, okay.
-Mikael Bertelsen isn't coming.

Why did you agree to do this?

Could you not get
a sponsor deal with VitaePro?

No, but seriously.

You'd be perfect for that
"Do you also suffer from joint pain

from the years of fighting that landed you
an assault sentence in 2012?"

Maybe you got more sentences but that was
the last time the media wrote about you.

I actually think you've aged quite well.

You look like a fun uncle.
Or an uncle who's had too much fun.

You've got quite the dad bod now.
That is not a problem as such.

You've just gone
from street to street food.

Some of you might still be wondering why
Victor was allowed to bring his dad here.

Well, when I was young,
Liam was a very successful rapper.

And now you're doing comedy.
I haven't seen you perform

and I don't know what you talk about
when you do perform.

"You know when you watch a documentary
about sexism in the music industry

and think it's time to switch careers…"

It's great that you've made the switch.
You're getting too old for hip-hop.

I'm guessing you made the decision
when you went to buy some fresh streetwear

and the shop assistant said,
"Your grandson will love that."

At your age, your friends don't die
in drive-bys but from heart disease.

Of course,
there's room for you here, Leif.

If I know one thing
about this industry, it's this:

Instead of just having two women
and two men here

they'd rather have some washed-up rapper
who's been doing stand-up for ten minutes.

Welcome to the business.

Natasha Brock. Well done.

Natasha was amazing.

She looks innocent
in her pink clothes will all those hearts.

But she just tore into me
like some crazy ex.

She's like a glocked-up Teletubby.

"Underwhelmed" nearly killed me.
Natasha Brock, everybody.

I'm wearing the cat, but you went…

-Please cut that out.
-No, leave it in. I love that.

Where did you get the idea
that you should be doing stand-up?

I love the writing process
when I make music.

Some of my friends asked me to roast them,
so I started doing open mics.

Were you as freaked out
as the first time you did rap?

It was worse, much worse.

Because you are trying to convince a room
full of quiet people that you're funny.

-They're not quiet when we do it.
-I imagine they're booing a lot.

Nice one.

You get an immediate reaction.
And it has a lot in common with music,

but in certain areas
it's the complete opposite.

In music, you can play
the same song for 25 years.

In comedy, you have to have
new material tomorrow. That is great.

I should feel intimidated
but he's a really likeable guy.

-Thanks for lunch.
-I hope you're full.

We're not.

If I talk to him too much, I might end up
liking him too much to roast him.

Our next roaster is responsible for more
bad TV than Kaare Sand and India combined.

Torben Chris, everybody.

Thank you.
So, L.O.C. is in the comedy game.

I'm not surprised you've switched careers
just based on your last albums.

I've been to a lot of your concerts.
You looked cool when you were young.

You were wearing your long leather coat
and gloves. You were so cool.

Now you're just a tubby balding
saggy-tattooed man in your 40s.

Like the owner of a sex club who's come
to explain the rules before the orgy.

You'll do great at comedy because
you do such a good job fucking up.

I don't know if the audience
have heard this story.

The first time Koda put a million in his
account, he thought it was a mistake.

"This must be a mistake.
I need to spend it before they find out."

He takes out the money
and just starts to give it away.

After three weeks,
he finds out it's his own money.

"And half of it is due in taxes!"
So he tried to get it back.

That's really dumb.

Considering your history of tax fines, you
should have gone into comedy years ago.

You're spectacularly good at messing up.

There's a story about you eating fugu in
Japan. That puffer fish that can kill you.

The cook tells you that if you don't die
within nine hours, you're home free.

You thought you only had nine hours
to live. You know what this idiot did?

He put on a nice suit and sat
on the toilet ready to take a shit.

He'd heard that the body just
lets everything out when you die.

And I thought Nik & Jay had some bad ideas
about how to spend their time

if you only had one day to live.

But you start doing the one thing your
body can do on its own once you're dead.

That is so stupid.
What a humongous idiot.

It's crazy that you live in Hellerup now
considering where you started out.

You said "black pussy" was
what led you to start rapping.

But when you started breeding, you chose
the whitest vagina that ever existed.

Christiane Schaumburg-Müller,
the star of 2900 Happiness.

The only vagina that's whiter than that
is attached to Nikolaj Stokholm.

Damn, man…

L.O.C. or Liam O'Connor as you suddenly
insisted on being called.

Which means you finally sobered up enough
to spell your own name.

Drunk L.O.C. would beat the shit
out of you if he could see you now.

It's such a shame
that you don't drink anymore.

I'd love to go on the lash with you.
You were so good back then.

You made amazing music
when you were drinking.

It's fine to quit drinking if it disrupts
your work, but you were good back then.

You basically fired your own creativity.

You became so wimpy
and wrote crappy love rap

about sitting in a bar full of chicks
just waiting for her to call you back.

That song gave me the worst diarrhea ever.

Don't give me a rap about your happy
love life. That is rap school 101.

Rap about your 99 other problems
if your bitch ain't one.

You're one bassline away
from turning into Rasmus Seebach.

You might as well go the whole hog
and put Ankerstjerne on the album

and do this rap: "Wish I hadn't taken
that million and handed it out."

"What was all that sharing about?"

It was a pleasure to roast you,
L.O. Seebach.

Torben Chris, everybody.

Before AA gets in touch to say that Torben
encourages drinking, I'd like to say

my music back then was meant for guys
like him who are still alcoholics.

So, there's an element of truth to that.

We couldn't afford
any sprinklers on this set

so we just hired Torben.
Bloody hell, Torben.

Torben never sells out his front rows.

Sometimes people come to my shows
with umbrellas and rainwear

if they're in the front rows.

I've never been yelled at so much.

-Is that part about the million true?
-Yes.

-Liam!
-And the part about the fish.

-That's the dumbest thing ever.
-You've done too much research.

That was the last comedian.
Give them a hand.

Natasha did the most hard-hitting roast
of the evening.

Torben crossed the most lines.

The best roaster of the evening excels
by the following things:

First of all, it was really hardcore.
They went straight for the jugular.

It came from someone
who looks really sweet

but they just kept on
stabbing away at you.

Natasha Brock is
this evening's best roaster.

Natasha absolutely smoked the others
in this roast.

That's the way to properly roast someone.

Tomorrow, it's Nikolaj Stokholm,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'm fine being the one who gets roasted,

because I'm probably
every comedians dream to roast.

-Hello!
-Hi!

-Greetings. Thank you.
-Hi.

Disaster! Are you on top of it?

It went as expected.

It's suitcase time!

I took a little trip to Rungsted, Nikolaj,
to pack a suitcase.

There are so many wonderful things

and yet another poster
with your own name on it.

Are you afraid of being mistaken
for all the other albinos in showbiz?

There are 200 registered albinos
in Denmark.

-It's not much.
-No, we are not many.

-Do you have a club?
-Yes, we meet every night.

-And howl at the moon.
-Yes.

We need to save the gossiping
till after you've left. So please leave.

We want to talk about you
while you're not here.

-Take care.
-Bye-bye.

There is something wrong with this world
if this man hasn't been bullied.

-I haven't left, Torben!
-Walk faster then!

-How many of you knew him back then?
-I knew him, but didn't talk to him.

I knew Nikolaj. I gave him his first
warm-up gig at a high school.

I think my biggest advantage is that
no one knows what I'm up to.

None of them have seen me do anything,
so they don't know what my humor is like

or how harsh or weak I am.

I hope you can use some of this
in your slaughterhouse.

It's kind of funny that Liam is about to
throw away 25 years of integrity

by putting on a red nose
and being as big a tool as the rest of us.

I have something about his fondness for
the old Danish and things like that.

It's actually more nerve-racking
than sitting up there.

Today, we will shine the light on a man

who has the same brightness
as a spotlight.

But where the hell is he?

ROAST ON THE COAST - DENMARK