All language subtitles for Roast on the Coast S01E06.en-us.dialog

-Talbot. I realize you're insanely busy.
-Yes?

I think it's sad
that this is the final day.

We have something we need to look at.

I've gone completely joke-crazy
in my head.

I care more about this than the trophy.

There were some pictures taken
of your feet.

We need to pick up
on the feet fetish thingy.

Mikkel in particular has had a hard time
due to the poor ratings.

-You've gone from 3.7 to 3.79.
-Yeah?

That's not even a full percentage point.

Do you remember
what your rating was, Mikkel?

4.1. And the bet was

-the one with the largest increase...
-Yes.

...would get a foot massage
from the other one.

That brings you to...

-4.28.
-That's a good increase.

-It's the one without fungus.
-I'd rather...

It's been a hot day,
so they're somewhat damp.

-You've been wearing socks.
-Yes, of course.

I can tell it's the finals.

Tonight, I decide
who takes home this trophy.

We are gathered here tonight
to bid farewell to Linda P's career.

Is she better at sucking coke
or other people's personalities?

You've experimented so much with your
sexuality and so little with your comedy.

The winner of Roast on the Coast is...

ROAST ON THE COAST

Hey, assholes.
Sit down, Mikkel. Don't stand there.

-The last night.
-Yeah.

And tonight, the winner will be crowned.

I'll be in the hot seat.

I can't take revenge, so go for it.

I'm excited about roasting Linda.
I can't wait.

We've become hardened
after five days of slagging each other.

I make a lot of messes.
There's this one, this one.

There are a few different things
you can look into here.

And these beautiful posters here too.

There was also a period in my life
where I can't recall anything.

I don't care about that.

Good luck digging. See you later.

See you later, Linda.

I like this one.

How many stars did it get?

-Two?
-Minus four.

-One.
-One star.

"It's with a mixture of anger,
sadness and wonder,

"I'm leaving the movie theater
after watching Undercover.

"The movie sucks."

I have no jokes on this one,

but I think it's one of the ugliest
stand-up posters made in a long time.

How does anyone think, "That's a wrap"?

Isn't that show filmed
in front of absolutely no one?

-And then there's a laugh track?
-Yes.

She was reported to the police.
Someone thought the posters were graffiti.

-Seriously?
-No.

Seriously. People could think
this was vandalism.

I wanted something with Anders Grau.
They were a damn strange couple.

Yes.

It's strange that there's nothing
in the suitcase about Anders Grau.

Another public figure she was dating.

If you know Anders Grau, he's also
the obvious transition phase from lesbian

-to straight.
-Yes, of course.

Exactly. "I want a man, but not really."

-He's so cute!
-Yes, he's so cute. He's mine.

I think it's cute
that she brought all her clutter,

thinking we could talk about that,
when there are so many other great things.

She did a lot of drugs.

"Then I make a mess."

Who the fuck cares, cokehead.

The whole history with Linda P's drug use,

I wouldn't mind digging into that.

"I'm crazy, but I like Christmas."

-You mean "powder," right?
-Yes.

Someone needs to tear her a new asshole.

Although, I think one of her exes
probably did that already.

She fisted a girl once. That's going in.

-What are you up to?
-You redhead spectacle.

Shut up. What are you so secretive about?

I'm afraid someone will take my idea.

When she asks, "Ane, do you want to come
to my summer house with some colleagues."

I said, "You bet your ass I will,
but only to ruin your life."

When she had to roast me,
"Oh, you're a feminist.

"You're this and that."

Then I thought, what's the worst thing
you could say about a woman,

who herself has been so open
about her flaws and shortcomings?

You can call her a slut,
slutty and ugly and a cokehead

and a junkie and a bad mom, she knows it.

But feminist? She can't deal with that.

I simply don't know if I've crafted
the best thing I've ever done.

Or if I'm in a manic phase
coming from energy drinks and no sleep.

Everything I do is built on this premise.

That there's an inverse correlation
between how well Linda is doing

-and how funny she is.
-Yeah.

It's true. Do you remember that period?

I thought I owed a lot of unpaid parking
tickets. I had an installment plan.

But then I saw a headline
where it said she owed a million.

"Linda P's Headache,
presented by Parking Copenhagen."

That was really funny.

I love throwing parties.

The coolest thing is,
one, the decorations,

and two,
you get to decide when people leave.

I prefer if they stay for one hour
and then leave again.

But these ones, these we used a lot
in the West End. I remember them well.

Do you remember these? Just me?

-What do you want me to do?
-This goes on the table.

-I've decorated the place.
-Wouldn't call those decorations.

Yes, these are decorations.
Balloons give me the heebie jeebies, Ane.

-Linda, give me a break.
-Linda, give us a break.

What's the worst that could happen?

-How do you host children's parties?
-Without balloons.

Shall I do a Linda imitation
right before the opening night?

Okay.

Stop it. I am so fucking sick and tired
of all the shit, John-John.

The last part was really awesome!

How do you feel about
being roasted tonight?

I'm a firm believer
that nothing will hurt me.

Linda is acting just like I assumed
she would, being the guest star tonight.

I'm probably the only one here
that's hit rock bottom with my shrink.

She's energetic, she's brave.

-What is the worst someone could say?
-Nothing.

-Nothing?
-It's jokes.

What if I hold a balloon?

Yes, well, that would scare
the shit out of me.

She's panicking, trying to play tough.
I know how sensitive she is.

She cries.
The tough exterior is a disguise.

She's a sensitive asshole.

Did you fear that the therapy would have
an adverse effect on your humor?

I did fear
that getting sober and drug-free

would make me less funny.

But then I met these two lesbians
in Aalborg who asked me to join them.

If they'd been from Hare Krishna
I would have followed.

Someone saw something in me,
"You belong here."

-"Good, let me try it."
-"If you say so."

Any regrets?

No! I had a blast
with a bunch of lovely ladies.

I realized I'm better
at being friends with women.

Every time I tell Nanna's dad
I'm better around men,

that I'm calmer, he just goes...

Thanks for a lovely meal. I'm excited
to hear what you guys have prepared.

I wouldn't be if I were you.

I'm wondering if I can get away with
destroying her career

and say, "You're a good person now.

"Unfortunately, that means
that you're not funny anymore."

I think I'm sort of done
with all the writing.

What I have is good.

It's like I'm back in school,
up for my exams.

Something like that.

I hope her toes curl up under her feet.

If I can make her look like this,
then I feel like I've won.

Good evening!

Tonight, I'll decide who gets
to go home with this trophy

in their suitcase, and can call themselves

the winner of Roast on the Coast.

We have five comedians
ready to roast my ass.

Completely, totally and well done.

And I'm looking forward to it...

But more like when you're keen
to use the toilet after a party.

I expect it to suck,
but when it's over, it's over.

On that note, please welcome me!

I'm the first one out. For the first time.

And unfortunately,
I'm the bearer of sad news.

So perhaps I should have been
the last one. I'm slightly nervous.

We are gathered her tonight
to say farewell to Linda P's career.

LINDA'S CAREER

Linda's career lasted only seven years.

I first discover Linda when her thoughts
about a comedy career

is merely a hopeful visit at Comedy Zoo.

It was obvious to us all

that here was a woman proving
that women also are capable

of painting buildings.

Your use of a wide brush and roller

is obvious to everyone
who has seen you wearing makeup.

You immediately inhabit Danish comedy

as just another male drunkard
with a modest B-cup.

You blossom as a sketch actor
with a wide range,

from working-class female from Hvidovre

to working-class female from Glostrup.

Fame goes to your head
way before anyone knows who you are.

Linda has, at this point,
discovered that fame is like a VIP pass,

ensuring entrance to a buffet
of bi-curious women under 25.

Even the model Oliver Bjerrehuus
once exclaimed,

"Go slow on the muff party.
Leave some for the rest of us."

In 2015, Linda P's career peacefully
passes away without anyone noticing.

Though the signs were there.

Soon after, she starts a relationship
with fellow comedian Anders Grau.

A kind of sexual transition phase.
Not quite lesbian,

but far from straight.

I had no idea.
I realize it one night when I come in,

and there's Anders Grau
sitting next to Linda P.

At one point, Anders Grau puts his hand

on Linda's inner thigh,
and for a moment, I think,

"Someone needs to tell him
she's not into that."

Linda's newfound joy with men,
and Anders Grau, was confusing...

...confused the LGBT community big-time.

In Copenhagen, disappointed lesbians
planned an alternative to Copenhagen Pride

under the working title
"Copenhagen Shame."

The idea was that Linda and Anders Grau
would dance down Vesterbrogade

to the sounds of Bonsoir Madame.

Linda...

I feel we have a special bond.

We're the only ones here
who have struggled to get a marriage

to work out
with a younger woman and failed.

Isn't it Søren Kierkegaard who best
described the experience 200 years ago,

with the words,
"Them bitches be tripping. No cap."

Linda P!

I think Lasse's roast
was a complete accomplishment.

This is exactly the right time
to knock Linda's ass out of the business.

That was awesome.

Really hilarious and original.

Give a warm welcome to a man who toured
the entire United States as a warmup

for the British comedy superstar
Russell Howard.

I know this because he mentions it
about every eight minutes.

Please welcome Simon Talbot.

Right. Lovely.

Oh, yes, Linda.

One of your latest embarrassments,
I mean, shows,

that Thomas Hartmann wrote for you
is Sabotage Hunger.

The show, just so everyone knows,
was recorded without an audience.

It was during lockdown
and you needed the money.

We'll record without anyone present.

You just performed and the laughter
was added afterwards.

But there's also something cool about it.

You can just decide for yourself
when you want laughter and cheers.

It's too much.

I actually think...

Let's reuse that grunting.

But truly, Linda, I wouldn't mind

to make a summary
of all the themes in my roasts,

but with you as the main character.

The week started with me in the chair.
You roasted me for having been to the US.

And, yes, it was a short trip.

But not as short as when Linda was in
Anders Breinholt's binged Advent calendar.

"Welcome. It's December 1st.
Are you done, Linda?

"No, it's a goblin landscape.
You can't sniff it.

"Take it easy, calm down, Linda."

Then there was Ane, I did my best
to make jokes as harsh as possible.

I have a younger brother
with a severe brain damage.

We discovered it
when he asked for tickets to Linda's show.

You never know which Linda will show up.

The only person you won't meet
is Linda's dad.

He's too busy
hanging out with Klint's dad.

They're featuring in their own version
of Roast right now.

Should we establish that everyone is dead?
It's a roast.

Right!

Then there was Klint, and it was a lot
about how bad and ugly he is,

which leads me, naturally,
to your posters.

Really Linda, what the fuck is this?
How is it possible?

No color, almost black and white.

A splash of red, ugly as hell.
Did you just tell a graphic designer,

"Can you capture the vibe
of Mikkel Klint Thorius' face?"

With Dybvad, I chose to focus
on the absence of personality.

Let's see how many
"Linda has many personalities" jokes

I can do in 60 seconds.

Linda has so many personalities that...

She's a multiverse of madness,
but no one sells movie tickets.

She needs booze to make her shows.
We need booze to watch them.

Is she better at sucking coke
or other people's personalities?

She fisted a woman
to put on a new personality.

She introduced herself
as "Discount Matthesen."

Linda performs easily without an audience.
All her personalities laugh extra loud.

Linda P, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you!

Simon Talbot!

He seems to be roasting us all,

because he uses what
he used against us, against Linda.

We are re-traumatized.

It was uncomfortable
hearing my grunts over and over again.

I want more.

-You are getting more.
-More!

Next one out is a guy who has put on
so much sunscreen this week

that he looks like he's been
dipped in Greek yogurt.

Please welcome Mikkel Klint Thorius!

I'm unsure about Linda,

because I don't know when you
hit a nerve, and when you don't,

and where her boundaries are.
I don't know her that well.

I had no idea you had a place like this.

It's a bit awkward, 'cause when I heard
"Linda P's summer house,"

I packed for tripping
in an allotment in Hvidovre.

"Join us in the summer house?"

"Not really sure.
I've never smoked heroin before."

Linda P might be the star of this show,

but she's the only one
being strip-searched.

I'm impressed that you're here.

Not because you don't have self-irony,
but because you didn't cancel as usual.

When we were writing for Linda P's roast,

my first reaction was,

"Who's the back up?
It makes more sense starting with that."

It must be exciting being your daughter.

Maybe she's thinking, "Should I wait
for Mom, or maybe a magician is coming?"

She has a funny look right now.

Is she pissed off, or did she realize
she forgot to collect her daughter?

I think you're drinking again.
That would explain your posters,

as Talbot mentioned. It looks
like there was an alcoholic involved.

"Can you draw an antler on my forehead?"

Nice.

You also played the protagonist
in the movie Undercover.

I did watch it as research for this roast,

and let me tell you this.

That even if seeing it again
would bring my dad back to life,

with all due respect, I would have passed.

I would.

-This if fun.
-Good going.

Usually, when you've watched a movie, the
streaming service suggests another one.

With Undercover,
there's a number for a support line.

Then you did Girls on Probation.

Not the TV program.
You fucked a lot of girls on parole.

I know you've done a lot
for the women in our industry.

You've slandered them, blocked
their paths, thrown things at them.

Having said all this,
I think you're really strong.

Imagine that someone with your past

can become such a great comedian.

That blows my mind. Totally.

Honestly, Linda.
Thank you so much for inviting me.

Thank you, Mikkel.

Mikkel Klint Thorius!

I sense, when Klint mentioned
that Linda cancels things,

she didn't find that funny.

I really didn't dig that.

He goes full speed forward.

That's where you just...

Welcome Tobias Dybvad!

-Hello.
-Hello, dear.

Shut up, what a...
Holy shit, that's an impressive career.

You have performed
with Ulf Pilgaard, Lisbet Dahl,

painted Jonatan Spang's apartment.

Blown coke up the Joker's ass.

I'm not sure about the Joker.
I was too wasted to see who was there.

You've experimented with your sexuality,
but not with your comedy.

You've experimented
so much with your sexuality,

you've had sex with Anders Grau.

Anders was the first person you fucked
when you jumped into the closet.

Was it because he was
the first one that asked you?

Lars Allan couldn't make it or what?

I would have loved to have been a fly
on the wall and seen that moment,

when Anders Grau
walks up to Linda P in a bar and says,

"I wonder

"if my specific reproductive organ,

"can make a discerning lady
change her mind."

-That was a great Anders Grau.
-That was a great Anders Grau.

Anders Grau, Linda P. What a couple.

You are completely beyond
Kristian Jensen and Pernille Rosendahl.

It's just crazy. It's like
a beautiful woman and a whacko.

Ane Høgsberg and her husband.

In my program Verdensmænd,
you talked about how a shy guy

could surprise as a wild animal in bed,

explode in a tsunami of squirting orgasms.

A firm grip on a tough braid

and large hand-shaped marks on the ass.

I might have made some of this up.

But can I just ask you?

-Did you refer to Anders Grau?
-Yes.

This will stay with us forever.

Let's dwell on it for a while.
Close your eyes.

God, that's disgusting.

Linda P!

I don't mind that he takes it all the way.

Some people react to me and Anders Grau,

the same way
when they hear that I ride a bike.

"What, you ride a bike?"

Your next comedian looks like
Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes.

Or the whacko character without the beard.

This is Ane Høgsberg!

-Thank you!
-Yeah!

It's very liberating for me
to get up there,

because I've been working
on the idea for a long time.

Before coming here.

Since Linda invited me, I've thought,
"This is what I want to do."

Dear Linda.
You're not just a comedian or actor,

and I'm not the only one saying this.

So says the critics
of the Tivoli Revue, too.

There weren't many women
in Danish stand-up before you came along.

When you came along, you showed us

that there is actually room
for women on stage

who aren't beautiful.

To me, you are an icon of feminism.

Feminism,

for those of you who might not know,
is about women helping other women.

I think you're really good at that.

It is super feminist
to just sleep with women,

without being a lesbian.

Helping women in need
throughout the province

one fist at a time.

You are a true feminist. They don't want
consolation prizes or quotas.

You do things on guys' terms.
One hundred percent.

You match Rune Klan in bad movies
and Amin Jensen in bad shows.

Always on their level.

I want to thank you, Linda,

for everything you have done
for every woman.

You've paved the way
and done things, terrible things,

so I don't have to.

Winnie and Karina: The Movie
springs to mind.

And Where the Hell is Herning?

You are the Sofie Linde of our industry.

Where you've threatened
to ruin someone's career

if you couldn't give them a blow job.

Thank you!

You're not just a feminist, Linda.
You're insanely woke.

You are so mega woke.

Even before it was fashionable,
you played a lot with gender identity.

Were you a boy? Were you a girl?

We still wonder.

Linda, I think the world is ready.
Ready to see the real Linda.

The one in here.

Don't worry,
I'm not in the process of fucking up.

I just want to show you,
who you really are.

Not Linda from Sydhavnen, not the lesbian.

Most of all,
you're our very own FemiLinda.

Yes, Linda. This is you.

Did I have socks made as well?
Oh, yes, I did. Red socks, Linda.

With your face on them.

How about a FemiLinda cup,
you can drink salty man tears from.

Or pussy juice, I'll leave that up to you.

Everybody, take a look under your chair.

You may be done with the hat, Linda,
but we're not.

-Guess what, you get a T-shirt!
-Yeah!

You've got your hat on, Mikkel,

even if we can't tell the difference,
you ugly redhead.

FemiLinda, FemiLinda, FemiLinda!

Linda P, the world's best feminist!

Ane Høgsberg, ladies and gentlemen.

I think Ane's roast is perfect.

Because Linda is someone who says,
"I've moved on too.

"And time changes, but I'm not woke."

Give the five comedians a big hand.

The five roasters.

It's been wonderful
to have been messed around with.

We need to find a winner. And this person

has been a hair's breadth away from
being the best roaster every single night.

It can go any way.
Everyone here is a strong candidate.

It would be cool to
to bring home a trophy.

"Look what I've won."

Then she can say, "That's so ugly.
You can't have it anywhere."

The winner of Roast on the Coast is...

Lasse Rimmer!

You look like you've become the
youngest store manager in Salling Group.

It's like watching Peter Madsen
take a lap of honor in the submarine.

Lasse said that Ebbe woke up
with nightmares and hiccups.

"I dreamed Mom was back."

In 2015, Linda P's career peacefully
passes away, and no one notices.

My favorite after watching
the whole thing is probably Tobias.

Is it mine? Where did it come from?
Have I had it all along?

It's well deserved. Thank you very much.

It's a mystery to me how I don't win.

I have tattoos, I have a hat.
I had cups made up.

Well deserved.

It's been such
a an amazing vacation and roasts.

Thank you so much.

-That's the shit you win, Lasse.
-Yes, I agree. It's not deserved.

I just need to figure out the mouth,
so we can make out.

Where is the mouth on this trophy?

It ruins the whole experience.

-Right.
-You can't compete in comedy.

-Can you please walk behind me?
-Yes, sorry.

I need a private moment.

Where is the mouth?

ROAST ON THE COAST