All language subtitles for Roast on the Coast S01E05.en-us.dialog

Yesterday was a blast.

Lasse was happy and relieved

I had a good night's sleep.

It's nice to know you're
the best one at being the bad one.

It's an interesting situation to be in,
as you already know.

You won't get to the point like Lasse, Ane
and myself, we were almost in tears.

Not long ago I was talking with my mother.
It was during Testkaninerne.

People were threatening me.
We talked about it and I said,

"I don't care." My mother replied,
"You're like me, covered in Teflon."

You're untouchable.

You received death threats
and didn't care.

That's true.

Each of them would have given me
a reason to kill myself.

You're insensitive, enjoy.

Mikkel "Big-ass Sociopath" Klint Thorius.

I'm Linda P, and I've invited
five of my good comedian friends

to visit me
at my summer house in Marbella.

During the day, we relax,
and in the evening,

the comedians take turns
sitting in the hot seat,

where they get to roast each other.

The protagonist in the hot seat
is Mikkel Klint Thorius.

In the podcast with Michael Schøt,
you're the second most annoying person.

I've written tweets under you name.

"Is it just me, or could we not use
bigger climate changes?"

You are the result

if Jonatan Spang, Sanne Søndergaard
and Nikolaj Stokholm fucked a jellyfish.

ROAST ON THE COAST

I did Spanish exams.

-So I can tell...
-You can tell that this is ham.

I don't know what that means.

Graduate exams.

Give me a break.

I can't imagine a better way
to start the day

than stuffing my mouth and stomach
with cured ham.

It's nice to be reminded of
where your meat comes from.

We'll start over here,
sort of south of where we are now...

I'm looking forward
to the rest of your presentation.

There is a supermarket...

...where this comes from.
And this is some danes esplada,

-the smoked pork.
-Obviously.

This is more like, over to the more...

It's not so... As one would expect.

Linda's presentation of the hams
was outstanding.

As always, she just pulls it
out of her ass. No research whatsoever.

-So please just go for it.
-I love that.

I've packed a stupid suitcase.
Clearly the most stupid so far.

-An idiot suitcase?
-Exactly.

I'm a comedian. I don't mind
being in the center of attention.

That's what you want,
but I do feel a somewhat tense.

The others seem to be
really looking forward to this.

It's going to be
the worst day of your life.

-How the fuck?
-What's up, Mikkel?

That is my actual surfboard,
that is locked up in my shed at Thy.

How did you get that?

"How" is my very first thought. How?

I broke into your summer house.
You don't have an alarm system.

-Nobody does in Thy.
-But you know me, don't you?

If she can dig that up,
what else is she capable of?

Your kind brother was very helpful
finding the keys to your Tesla.

And then we have this nightmare fuel.

From the show Testkaninerne.

You did put your foot down at one point
when you refused to eat your own semen.

But you agreed to wear this.

It's one of those
"you'd love to be on TV" hats.

-It's an opportunity for you.
-Exactly, that's it!

It's something we all recognize.

Spot on!

So many of us have worked for free
when everyone else was paid.

Let's go, Mikkel.
Oh, my God, this one stinks!

It's like getting drunk at a festival.
The fifth day requires much more booze.

It is sort of the same with jokes.

But I'm afraid I'll be the victim.

-Damn, that finger is long.
-A very long finger.

I wonder what could be in the suitcase?

I don't expect there will be anything that
will surprise me, but you never know.

-What a sweet boy.
-Man!

Was he like 11 when he made Testkaninerne?

I believe so.

When he made that show, his parents must
have signed the contract on his behalf.

I'm more nervous
than I thought I would be.

Tonight, we will roast Mikkel and...

-Ane knows me really well.
-...I've been doing that on a daily basis

-for the past 15 years.
-She'd know where to put the knife.

He's an easy target.
He's ugly and a redhead.

-I've noticed some sibling love-hate.
-More like a lot.

He's professionally mediocre.
There's so much to chose from.

It comes so natural to her.
She just stabs you.

But I do enjoy it. Have for many years.

I'd like to focus on his ugly looks.

I won't be holding back on the fact
he's pale and a redhead.

Clearly, in high school he was looking
at Danish stand-up,

thinking, "It could be even more white."

What do you think
would be courageous of the others?

If they threw in some
"your father died" jokes.

In the beginning,
I thought that would be too much,

making fun of his dad's passing,
but he's done it himself.

-It's okay by me.
-Be my guest.

The license plate on his Tesla
reads "DeadDad$."

So I'm thinking,
if he can do it, so can I.

He's like a...

Now he's working with Michael Schøt.
He's such an idiot.

-A fucking idiot.
-Annoying as hell.

He's so annoying,

and such a know-it-all.
He's just a 22 year-old who's yelling.

"Stupid politicians!" He's so ignorant.

-He doesn't know shit.
-He's a surfer and a fucking idiot.

We're five people
invited to Linda's summer home.

Two of us are playful kids, Talbot and me.

Hi, Lasse, want to go in the pool again?

It's never been more obvious

who of us have kids
that are out of kindergarten.

Those who don't
act like they're in the kindergarten.

I know what it's like
to be on vacation with kids.

I was told this was going
to be a work holiday.

But so far, it's been
either work or babysitting.

I'll kill you!
I'll fucking kill you, you fucking cunt!

You fucking cunt!

Let's see
who's the best at holding their breath.

Talbot wants acknowledgement
from the adults in the beach chairs.

And he wants to have
a breath-holding competition.

I couldn't be bothered.

Let him do it.

You're the best, Talbot.

Put some clothes on.

I'm wearing earplugs.
I don't have any extra clothes.

This is what I am wearing tonight.

Just go ahead and do it.
Your dick is right in my face.

-Is it really?
-No, it's too small for that.

That's not cool, Klint.

I just added six to eight
Me Too jokes to the script.

Count for me, I think I can do better.

Three, two, one, go!

-Come on, let's go.
-Okay.

I was awesome, though.

The contents in the suitcase emphasize
that Mikkel hasn't really achieved much.

That will be my focus this evening.
He doesn't actually deserve to be here.

I don't you should make fun with
people's appearance. But I have no choice.

Even if you do, I don't see it
as a problem if I do it.

No.

It's clear that everything I make fun of
is Mikkel's looks

and what he's been talking about all week.

It will be about what is obvious to me.
He's very white.

I have jokes about his whiteness.

"Stram Kurs..."

It's insane that he hasn't been bullied,
but I was.

I could have ended up in a bad place,

but I did something different,
and now I'm in a good place.

Klint was in a good place, and was carried
by his parents to an even better place.

I would like to be the deadbeat dad
he never had.

All the jokes about what he did
to get on TV. He hasn't changed.

He won't quit
until he's part of Taskmaster.

That will take some time.

Still, this is also somewhat...

"We had to walk 12 kilometers to school."

It comes across as very bitter.

We're spending so much on therapy.

While Klint is just doing his
lower-back exercises in front of us,

drinking a green smoothie.

Lovely morning. Right, everyone?

I can't take it.

While I'm on Zoom with my therapist.

It's excruciating to watch.

Good evening!

Once again, I have the great pleasure
of being your roastmaster.

And in this chair
we have a very nervous man.

You have...
What the hell are you wearing, Tobias?

At one point, Tobias asks, "Can I go
to your room and get something?"

Then I don't see him,
until we go on stage,

and then I realize he's picked up
half of my wardrobe.

A fun fact about Mikkel
I don't think you're aware of.

He's never been bullied,
so we should get on with it.

We need a roaster on stage.

Give a big hand to Lasse Rimmer,
ladies and gentlemen!

After being teased over blackface by
Mikkel yesterday, I'm free to go all in.

There you sit, like a student
at Copenhagen Business School.

Like you're being interviewed because
you're the youngest store manager

in the Salling Group ever.

That's what you look like right now.
I see a lot of myself in you.

I'm 20 years older than you.

If you were a woman,
I would have meant it literally.

But...

I can't believe you dare to be so funny

and as talented as a young guy
of just 31 summers

and 400 winters.

Right.

I apologize for not looking at you more,
but you are very white.

You look like you were born prematurely,
put in an incubator,

forgotten and found 31 years later.

I think you look like someone who sees
the sun less than Anders Breivik does.

But you look even more like a young man
who thinks Breivik has some good points.

Now, that came out
sounding like I'm calling you a neo-Nazi.

But there's nothing new
about the way you look like a Nazi.

Mikkel has spoken to me a lot
about his career plan,

which he has put in a strict framework.
I think you call it "Stram Kurs."

It is what you talk about a lot, anyway.

We've talked about how great it is to have
a week where we concentrate on work.

You described it as a concentration camp.

Finally, I just want to say
I think it's brave of you

being so open about
your highly controversial political views.

But first and foremost,

if you just keep working
with the same tenacity and talent,

the sky is the limit to what
you can do as a hobby surfer.

As a comedian, too, because honestly,

Mikkel, you are more talented than any
comedian of your age has any right to be.

I look forward to following your career.
Mikkel Klint Thorius!

Lasse Rimmer!

It's so great that Lasse is finally
the comedian who takes the lead

and exposes Mikkel
as the far-right extremist he is.

It's really funny that he insists
I'm a blatant racist.

-We've been listening to it all week.
-I'm not.

He thinks he can get away with it

if he only says things
when the cameras are off.

Never have I seen someone
so honored to be called a Nazi.

We're moving to the next roaster.
Please welcome Ane Høgsberg!

My little teddy bear.

We're friends in private,

and you can be somewhat blinded,
being around your own stuff.

So I called around to all our colleagues.

"Do you have anything nasty
I can say about Mikkel Klint Thorius."

Everyone went, "Who?"

Mikkel, why is it you haven't
really had a breakthrough?

Then it hit me. You've had it too easy.

They say comedy is tragedy plus time.
But with you, there is only time.

There's no tragedy. So to find out
the reason why you're not funny,

I'm going to go through your life.

This is what happens in 1992,
you were born.

A huge tragedy for everyone but yourself.

1999 to 2010, during this long period,
you attend a good school.

With good friends, never bullied
and good at most sports.

That's the answer, Mikkel!

You can't be the funniest
if you're also good at padel.

Look at Dybvad.

In 2010, you make your "stand-up" debut.
A huge tragedy for all of us.

Then something happens, Mikkel, 2017.
Something amazing happens, your dad dies.

Huge opportunity of adversity, Mikkel.

Finally, something we can use.

Finally.

But then, what the hell happens?

You inherit a lot of money
and buy an apartment.

For fuck's sake!

2020 happens, a horrible year.
COVID strikes.

Three days before lockdown,
you buy a Tesla!

You're buying a Tesla!

You are not funny
sitting in your Tesla, damn it!

And now we're here, Mikkel.

2024, it hasn't materialized
into anything.

The safe life, Mikkel, beats this career.

I would like to help you
experience some hardship,

so you can kind of be funny.

I wrote some tweets for you,
published them in your name.

Just so you can become unpopular
and get a career.

For example,

"Is it just me, or could we not use
a little more climate change?

"#ClimateNuts, #PolesNotMeltingEnough."

There's also this one.

"Me Too has gone too far. Are you not
allowed to flirt at work anymore?

"#WhatsNext?"

Then there's my favorite.

"Pineapple on pizza is life!
Sorry, not sorry."

I hope this helps you.

Maybe one day you'll be a real comedian.
Good luck with that!

Ane Høgsberg!

She did the right thing,
my father's death was a huge opportunity.

I think it's fucking hilarious.
You can tell she knows I can take it.

We need a comedian on stage, and this man

is the best argument for
shutting down the Steiner schools

like the mink farms
in a completely unrelated pandemic.

Please welcome Tobias Dybvad,
ladies and gentlemen!

I can't quite figure out
why he's wearing Ane's clothes.

He won last time he wore them.

You're so boring,

I had to put Ane's clothes back on
just to spice it up a bit.

I don't think it's fine
to make fun of people's appearance, but...

You leave me no choice.

It's like...
The way I see it, you're pretty white.

Have you thought about it?

You are the result

if Jonatan Spang, Sanne Søndergaard
and Nikolaj Stokholm fucked a jellyfish.

Isn't he pretty white? Before we went on,
Linda tried to snort him.

My son hopes it will be a
Mikkel Klint Thorius Christmas this year.

Mikkel's summer house is
next to "Mikkel Klint Thorius Sande".

His rider reads,
"There must be 12 bottles of sunscreen."

He can be booked as a comedian
at Rent-A-Wreck.

He's never been on X Factor,
but perhaps he'll be on factor 8,000.

He has been described
as a brilliant talent.

His favorite place in Copenhagen?
Pale Street.

You've created a podcast.
It's called The Weekly Podcast.

In 2023, the weekly podcast
was published 19 times.

Nineteen!

If this was Top of the Pops,
you'd be Alex Vargas,

who goes straight at it
and fills the Royal Arena.

The potential lies in how many people
see you and how good you are.

You'll ride a wave of success from here.

Congratulations!

Tobias Dybvad!

-Damn, that was good!
-Thank you.

Let's move on.
For the podium, we need a comedian.

Let's hear it for Simon Talbot!

Oh, Klint.

I have the honor of roasting
one of my closest friends,

a fantastic comedian, Linda P.
Today, it's Mikkel.

Mikkel is Danish stand-up's answer to EM
in soccer, '92. Red, white, slipping in.

I won't tell you who it was,
but it would have been better.

Mikkel is doing a podcast
with Michael Schøt,

to experience being the second most
annoying person in the room.

Mikkel, you're ugly.

You enjoy surfing.

No, there's more, don't worry.

You're ugly.
We have to do something with that.

Mikkel was emo in his youth.

The only emo who doesn't need
makeup to look like a corpse.

Mikkel brought his guitar to
high school parties to play Wonderwall.

A talentless Ed Sheeran, only uglier.

I mean, check it...

Check it out, total redhead with a guitar.

Aren't you afraid
Victor Lander would fuck you?

I wish you were still emo to this day.

Who wouldn't have bought
a ticket for this?

Despite what he looks like, Mikkel has
had a safe and bully-free childhood.

What kind of giant freaks
were in your class

that let you off the hook? Tobias Dybvad?

Mikkel wants to do stand-up comedy.
The parents said, "Of course, Snugly-ugly!

"Then I'll buy you an apartment
in Christianshavn,

"so you're walking distance
to Comedy Zoo."

What kind of origin story is that?
You're a Batman in reverse.

Your father died far too late.

I agree with Ane.

The worst part about this
is there's nothing that hurts you.

It's so annoying,
that your parents gave you self-esteem.

Well, that's... You're Teflon.

No matter how many failures you have,
you wake up, "Another good day for me."

You get called Hitler for five minutes.
"I thought about that angle, too.

"It was pretty funny. I like that."

Seriously, 15 minutes before
he's going in to be slaughtered

for all his insecurities,
he comes over to me, and says,

"I know there's a picture of me
in a Brøndby jersey.

Isn't there a Forræder joke there?
I'm an FCK fan. Go ahead and use it.

How...

But, Mikkel, seriously,
you're so hardworking and talented,

and you deserve so much more success
than you've had.

See you, my friend. Mikkel Klint Thorius!

Simon Talbot!

One thing was clear
with the best performance tonight,

and that is that I have laughed.
Boy, have I laughed.

There was punch.
There were world-class one-liners,

and then it was delivered
with a lot of anger. I liked that a lot.

The best performance tonight
is Tobias Dybvad, ladies and gentlemen!

It's silly to turn comedy
into a competition,

but it's so nice to win.

I realize now that I win
when I'm wearing Ane's clothes.

It's kind of exciting,
what I'm wearing tomorrow.

We have, of course,
saved the best for last.

Because tomorrow, I will announce

the winner of Roast on the Coast.

And tomorrow,
the person in the chair will be me.

Thank you so much for tonight.

I think it's gonna be
a wild final tomorrow.

We're all on fire after tonight.

It's a bit special
that she's both the host and the roast.

She chooses the winner, and she's the one
you have to say something nasty to,

before she decides who is the best one.

COMING UP

Tonight, I decide
who takes home this trophy.

You unfold as a sketch actor

with a range stretching from
working class woman from Hvidovre

to a working-class woman from Glostrup.

Anders Grau was the first person you were
with when you jumped into the closet.

Lars Allan couldn't, could he?

It takes a true feminist
to help women who have no voice

with one fist at a time.

I have a severely
brain-damaged younger brother.

We discovered it
when he asked for tickets to Linda's show.

The winner of Roast on the Coast is...

ROAST ON THE COAST