All language subtitles for Roast on the Coast S01E04.en-us.dialog

-Good morning.
-Good morning.

-Coffee?
-Yes, please.

And for me.

I feel good about today.
It's the highlight of the trip.

When I'm in the chair,
nothing is off limits.

A flat white, please.

"Flat white" is what Mikkel Klint Thorius'
girlfriend calls his ass.

It's you tomorrow.

But you're on today.
You probably shouldn't tease him.

I'm Linda P, and I've invited
five of my good comedian friends

to visit me
at my summer house in Marbella.

During the day, we relax,
and in the evening,

the comedians take turns
sitting in the hot seat,

where they get to roast each other.

-And so it begins, Lasse.
-Yes.

You've made Live from Bremen.

-Don't remind us.
-I will.

You're so smart
but you've used it for absolutely nothing.

You look amazingly stupid.

You could write a joke
but that's not your thing.

You keep dating, and they're all 19.

You're the Danish Leonardo DiCaprio.

-Lovely.
-I've looked forward to this.

ROAST ON THE COAST

This is a shitty knock box.

No, no, no.

You like it bitter.

-Stop it!
-This will be good.

We're five people
watching Simon Talbot make coffee.

I'd rather watch wall paint dry.

Can you make latte art?

Yes, I can. What I usually answer...

You get asked that a lot?

I'm used to grinding my own beans.

Now we're talking processing time.

The ideal ratio is
two to three grams... Ane?

Two to three grams...

He needs to do that six times.
He hasn't even made one yet.

That looks...

-You made a pair of testicles.
-It didn't turn...

But it's a heart!

-Great testicles.
-He longs for his wife.

I planned that one.

Tastes really good.

Yes, man!

Did you develop a sunscreen technique,
or are you just...

Is it... Look at him!

It looks like...
You look like you're ashamed.

Keeping up being ashamed.

This is the standard procedure
when a redhead applies sunscreen.

Everyone teases you.
And when you're finally done,

the same people go, "I'd like some, too."

-Can I use yours?
-I'll just have a little...

-Linda, hello!
-Hi Linda!

You're the target tonight, Lasse.

-I am...
-Can you give a brief, Lasse...

Are you ready for this?

I feel super ready.

We have a suitcase for you as well

filled to the brim with ammunition,
enough for you to go nuts with.

If we start off with something
most of us are familiar with...

-You hosted Jeopardy!
-Cute.

A program where the answer is a question.

Ironically, all your answers are questions
you answer yourself, "I mean..."

I have the answers
and I ask the questions.

It's like a discussion
between three people,

and you don't agree with any of them.

I'm grateful
for never having won Taskmaster.

-This is the trophy, right?
-Yes.

Dear friends, feel free to go crazy
with the contents in this suitcase.

I look forward to this evening's roast.

We're out of here, Lasse.

-Yes.
-Before anything happens.

Come on.

I know Dybvad is the most ruthless.

But after seeing Talbot take on Ane,

I'm thinking
he might take it even further.

It'll be exciting.

The only thing he is serious about
is that he sees himself as wise.

And that feeds right into the insecurity
I'd like him to experience.

I'll challenge this in him.

But is that a good thing,
being a wise comedian? It's pointless.

Just like a horny accountant.

"Super. Can you do my accounting?"

You project an image
of being wise and clever.

Isn't that annoying?

I must take responsibility for that.

I experienced the same.

"Why do people only see me
as the lesbian saying 'pussy.'"

My mother told me, "Because you are."

A lesbian saying "pussy."
That's probably it.

I'll point out
that he should be making comedy

instead of arguing with strangers online.

There are no winners
in discussions on Facebook.

-Only losers.
-Yes.

I did that for many years. Not anymore.

It's so embarrassing. The Internet never
forgets, and neither do colleagues.

That is where I will put my knife.

I would like to review his career

from my "young" perspective.

"It makes no sense
with all the shit you've made.

"How come your career isn't in ruins?"

He's agreed to some really bizarre things,

if you also want to be a comedian.
In my opinion.

So I'd like to pick that apart.

This will hurt him, right?

This was an honest attempt
to do something different.

I think he's embarrassed by this.

It's a vulnerable thing to admit

that I tried to get accepted
into acting school a couple of times.

We can use that.

I was good enough to get the part, but not
good enough to do it. But it was exciting.

None of us will ignore the fact

that he likes to talk
and prefers younger women.

I'm going in that direction,

I won't mention it directly.

-But it will be...
-That's it, you can't avoid it.

I'll take on his wisdom.
I'm off writing now.

I'm really looking forward to seeing you
being torn to pieces tonight.

It'll be a family dinner
where everyone had one drink too many.

You guys can take on his poor effort.

On the professional level.

And I'll take it on the personal.

I hope they go all in.

But there are these moments
where I've let myself down,

where I don't want to hear
other people say,

"There's a good reason for it.
What a disappointment."

Perfect. We'll destroy him
from different angles.

Sounds good.

-Talbot has a sore back.
-Yes.

-And I've been struggling a lot with...
-Your face?

-That wasn't it? Okay.
-No.

If someone wants to learn
how to fix a sore lower back...

-Yes, please!
-I know the best exercises.

It could be a little painful
and even a little embarrassing.

But this is a safe environment.

-Definitely.
-Among compassionate people.

I feared
I wouldn't get to use this outfit.

-Oh, my God, Ane!
-But this will be perfect.

I'm looking at you, and need to ask you,

"Should l put some more clothes on?"

Lasse has put on a hoodie
and formal pants.

He looks like an accountant
attending a Coldplay concert.

Cat pose once more, and breathe out.

I wasn't aware we had breathed in.

It's not my clothes that prevent me
from touching my toes when I stand up.

It's my body.

You were sitting as if you were praying.

I was praying it would end.

There have been many changes
to our business the past few years.

If our younger selves
had imagined the future,

this would not be what they pictured.

But then again,
we can't all be recovering alcoholics.

-Are you happy about yesterday?
-Very much so.

There's something about being
so harsh on stage...

-Was it difficult?
-Yes.

Is it something
you want to explore further?

I don't think I will.

It's not about
not saying bad things about Lasse.

That's unavoidable.

But I would like to be
more myself on stage.

I'm trying something different.
I'm not big on one-liners.

Maybe I could be?

Ane, you can be whatever you want.

He's pretty confident he knows
what you guys will pick on.

But he hasn't figured it out yet.

-Really?
-He is completely off so far.

I see Peter Ålbæk there,
looking forward to it.

I'm focusing on his online behavior.

If Niels Bohr had SoMe, he wouldn't
have had time for quantum physics.

That's hilarious.

-There he is.
-I thought my list was complete.

I have a top 20,
but there might be a top 30.

-For your self-hatred?
-Exactly!

There's more than enough to chose from.
Just so you know.

Should I be happy or nervous?

-A bit of both?
-Okay.

Are you planning to sit through the show
and say, "I knew that."

I'm pretty sure
that's what you say around here.

Here is this evening's main target.

Slightly more nervous than he expected.

And behind me, we have the four lovely
comedians ready to roast him.

In the chair, we have a man often being
bullied about his young girlfriends.

And this is almost making him sick,

as hypocritical as it is.
We've all had young partners.

Though the rest of us
had them while we were kids.

You're already fed up, I can sense it.
You'd like to hear something new.

We could bully Line about
how fucking old her husband is.

I'll be careful, though.

She might be in the pool room
with an iPad, listening to us.

Should we get started?

I didn't expect to be nervous.

But I can definitely feel
my heart pounding.

Bring in the roaster.

This comedian had a choice between
becoming a star or remain a virgin.

Give him a hand, Mikkel Klint Thorius!

The disadvantage of being the first one
is that the audience isn't warmed up.

The advantage is,
I'm the first one to have a go at him.

Lasse, Lasse, Lasse.

I've looked forward to this.

It gives me the opportunity
to get a word in.

You recently had your 30-year anniversary.

Your career is too old
for you to want fuck it.

It should be said though
that Lasse is not a creepy "Me Too" man.

That's important.

Lasse has always been courteous
with the ladies.

I believe all the ladies he's been with

would have given their consent
if they had a chance to get a word in.

You hosted the reality show
I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!

Where Amin Jensen took off
during the show.

You're fucked as a host
when Amin Jensen says,

"I want no part of this."

You played a main character in the movie
Deliver Us from Evil.

That was spot on when we saw your acting.

It must be great to be cast
alongside Aqua Lene,

and two fictional characters
from commercials,

and the audience still thinks,
"Lasse Rimmer is so wrong for the part."

You made Live from Bremen,

where you,
for the entire intro to Season Two...

Please don't remind us about that.

-Yes.
-No.

The intro for Live from Bremen
is seen by all of Denmark.

Friday night. Primetime.

TV 2. 800,000 viewers.

The intro music is playing.
The cast is introduced.

Lars Hjortshøj and Iben Hjejle enter.
They're dancing.

It's a '70 theme,
they're wearing disco outfits. It's lame.

Then we see Lasse Rimmer.

The news anchor.
The satirical alibi in the show.

And he's in complete blackface.
With an afro wig. An afro wig!

It looks like Talbot's new hairdo,
just wilder.

I would love to show you,
but I'm not allowed!

It can't be shown ever again!

How can you still be here after that?

You're the harasser of Danish comedy.

Nothing kills you.

You host Taskmaster,

a hilarious show
where you have to accept the premise that

the host from a poor antique show on TV
can evaluate fellow comedians.

On a scale from one to five.

It's wild that you get to say,

"Nikolaj Stockholm,
I can only give you two points for that.

"And sorry, Annette Heick,
this vase is only worth sixty-five."

Bob Dylan would surely appreciate feedback
from Johnny of Kandis.

But, Lasse, after all is said and done,
you're still around.

You must've mastered something.

To have a 30-year-long career
is something I don't dare dream about.

Honestly, Lasse.

When I grow up, I want to be like you.
I do.

Except for the divorces,
the blackface and the antique show.

I'll try to avoid that,
but everything else. Lasse Rimmer.

-We're on, Lasse.
-Yes. I'm fine.

I did say there was a lot to choose from,
so there must be something I forgot.

I love that you forced
out the blackface...

-That's one of the things...
-No one saw it coming.

You can still find it on DVDs
in flea markets.

My kids love flea markets,
so I run ahead and turn around the DVDs

so they won't see Daddy in blackface.

I could get a tattoo that says,
"It was another time."

Ready for the next one?

The next man out is someone who makes
a living from making travel shows,

and makes money on long-distance travel.

He does, however, return.
Please welcome Tobias Dybvad.

I want to start off
by saying I'm a huge fan

and full of awe.

When I started doing stand-up,
you were my inspiration.

When I see you
correct a stranger on the Internet

with rhetorical finesse...

If anyone makes a mistake
on the World Wide Web, you're there.

Just like PAW Patrol
responding to a false alarm.

Your time can be spent
on many other things.

You could even write a joke,
but that's not for you.

Because you care
that these stupid people know

that they're wrong and you're right.

Lasse says, "It's not mansplaining
when you're right."

I recall another occasion
where you were sharp as a tack.

What I remember best
is that the recipient surrendered

and wrote, "Seriously?
I'm 15 years old. Chill."

With great abilities comes responsibility
to tearing students a new asshole.

You're the verbal sexual predator.

Lasse met Sofie Linde
at a Christmas party,

but she's already
described that in detail.

-This is great.
-I was looking forward to this one.

This is great.

It should be jokes, too, not just truth.

Lasse hates preparation,
so he taught himself to improvise.

You could have been anything.
Denmark's most unprepared surgeon.

You could mess around inside a body
while ranting on the Internet.

Lasse absolutely has a great vocabulary.

And he insists on using all the words
at the same time.

Talking with Lasse is like putting
sunscreen on Mikkel Klint Thorius.

It just never ends.

You think it's too late for you
to put on huge one-man shows.

But that's just another poor excuse.

If you want to create a true comedy format

with you as the funny guy,
where you're not just counting points,

then I would love to make it happen,
produce it and support you.

You're really clever.

That's all.

I'm happy the entire room
laughed at the "Sofie Linde" joke.

If it'd been complete silence,
it would've been a disaster.

That everyone is in on it,

even if it's a irrelevant joke.

Tobias was the one I feared the most,
and still do.

Shit, man.

The next one on stage
is a comedian whose mother,

after she had him, still believes in God,
but is no longer a huge fan.

Please welcome Simon Talbot.

Well said.

All right! Clever, clever Lasse Rimmer.

You're such a nice guy,
but you talk way too much.

Stories that never end.
This morning, my ears were straight.

The first time Line got a word in,
she said, "I want a divorce. Stop!"

-Oh, Lord.
-But as if he wasn't boring enough,

Lasse spent his time here
on his poetry collection.

Haikus end with five syllables.
Lasse's never end.

It would be supportive
to recite one of your poems

in front of a live audience.

Will you support Lasse in this?

"Who said creation is a work of art?

"Later the antics grow as you talk,
walk, sit, write and make love.

"The paper and dirt are still rising.

"Everything must win..."

We ran out of tape.

Sorry, Lasse.

But seriously, Lasse. I hope you'll try
to become a poet and fail.

Imagine if Lasse
becomes the next Grundtvig.

The psalm book only has one psalm.

"Let's go to Volume 640
and sing the 900-verse long psalm called,

"Let me tell you
how it all comes together."

If Lasse publishes a poetry book,
book burning should be legalized.

Lasse made the critically acclaimed show
Less Than Three.

The only show where the title
includes the numbers of tickets sold.

Lasse, I've also written a poem.
"Roses are red, violets are blue.

"Lasse fucks young girls, not just a few."

Your beloved, Lasse...
You've married and divorced three times.

Line probably only agreed
to hear you receive a question

where you answer, "Yes."

If it was up to you, you would say,

"Yes, of course I'd like to.
The interesting aspect of the prayer

"is that it originates from
the Liturgy Commission's proposal 19..."

Your weddings would automatically
turn into funerals.

Either because someone
would die of old age

or because Line would drown you
in the baptismal font.

"Shut up!"

Or the girlfriend sink, as you call it.

So you get divorced, date,
find a new girlfriend, move in together,

and get a divorce. They're all 19.
You're the Danish Leonardo DiCaprio.

But instead of an Oscar and a ship,
you have the antique show and a Fiat.

I would love to see you
in Leonardo DiCaprio's roles.

The Revenant,
where everyone is cheering on the bear.

Lasse getting chewed.

As he gets eaten, he's mansplaining
winter hibernation. "No, it's..."

Titanic, where you're going
down into the deep.

"As a matter of fact, you freeze more
if you try to keep warm."

"Stop it. Just let me drown!"

Lasse, I'm only joking.
You know I love you.

I enjoy being in the same room as you.
Then I know you're not with my daughter.

Thanks for letting me roast you.
Lasse Rimmer.

I don't mind using myself as material.

I'm not worried about using
my four-month-old daughter as material

in order to portray Lasse as a pedophile.

And it worked, so I'm happy.

Such a fantastic set from Simon.
He says things that are true,

then calls me a pedophile.

It does sting. How many here are nervous
when Simon takes the stage?

We have one more to go.

Our next comedian is a true feminist.

The male chauvinists say
she belongs behind the meat grinders.

Ane does it the other way around.
The meat grinders are in front of her.

Please welcome Ane Høgsberg.

Oh, Lasse. This is difficult.

We've already heard
all the jokes about your young dates.

And I must admit, that's not funny.

Give me a break, it's so boring.

Why talk about your young girlfriends
when we can talk about your real age?

But in all honesty,
I must admit it's difficult to assess.

I can tell you don't fit in.

But then again...

Honestly.

I can't tell whether you're older
or younger than Bertel Haarder.

They say you're the wise one
in the industry.

But they also say that Talbot
is the most handsome one.

There isn't a lot of competition.

The idea that you're wise probably started

when, on a show,
you had your IQ measured to be 156.

For the stupid ones watching,
"That's very high."

That program was in 2005.
When your girlfriend was in third grade.

These jokes just aren't funny.

156 is Einstein-level.

A genuine genius

doesn't make 37 seasons
of a lame antique show.

I hope there won't be an afterlife where
you talk your way in with the smart ones,

converse with Stephen Hawking and he talks
about his work on quantum physics,

and then asks
what you did with this gift of yours.

And you have to say, "I had a lot of tape
on my face in a Danish TV show."

You haven't used it for anything.

You're so smart,
but you haven't used it for anything.

If you lose it one day, then what?

Will you just become a wise coworker
in an upscale supermarket deli?

I have wondered about
how a stupid boy from Aarhus

could hold a firm grip on a entire nation.

I did find the answer. It's the glasses.

Everybody looks smart with glasses.
Take them off.

Look how stupid you look now.

You can't see that yourself. Do it again.

Give me a break, you really look stupid.

Give this a try. Put these on, Dybvad.

Doesn't Tobias look smart now?

Does he look like someone
who tells dick jokes on Zulu?

Take them off, Lasse.

You look like a Brøndby supporter
at a urinal.

With a dick!

They add something.

You look like something
Linda P could play in a movie.

-You do.
-Yes.

I'd like to finish by saying

I won't spend time
saying I care about you.

We're too sentimental for that.

Lasse Rimmer!

"I can see you don't belong."

That one I really loved.
It covers so many aspects.

They have caught me wearing hoodies here.
And I call them "hoodies."

You were full of love and hate
on equal basis.

I enjoyed it.

I was hoping to hear,

"He loves young ladies,"
but they went further.

-They did. The punch line was...
-Lasse.

-Lasse!
-It's too long!

-Actually, it is...
-We're moving on.

Give the comedians a big hand!

I've made a decision.
A very hard one to make.

This evening, the best roaster brought

physicality, fresh jokes
and top-class delivery.

The best roaster is Simon Talbot.

Yes!

Just another day in my paradise.

Tomorrow, Mikkel Klint Thorius
will be in the hot seat.

I see a lot of myself in you,
just 20 years older.

If you were a lady,
I would have meant it literally.

COMING UP

He's never been on X Factor,
but perhaps he'll be on factor 8,000.

Your father dies...
Finally something to talk about.

The last night, and I'm in the chair.

Is she better at sucking coke
or other people's personalities?

Have you done Girls on Probation?
Not the show.

But have you fucked girls on probation?