All language subtitles for Roast on the Coast S01E03.en-us.dialog

This time, Ane is in the hot seat.
She's so sweet and lovely.

She has a fragile disposition.
Tears come easily.

It will be so cool.

I'm Linda P, and I've invited
five of my good comedian friends

to visit me
at my summer house in Marbella.

That's his closing joke.

During the day, we relax,
and in the evening,

the comedians take turns
sitting in the hot seat,

where they get to roast each other.

ROAST ON THE COAST

I have decided that
I won't do jokes about you being fat,

or that your boyfriend is Lasse Madsen.
So this last be long.

I can't honestly call you
one of the funniest people I know.

That wouldn't be the truth.

Ane has a Batman tattoo, which is ironic,
as Batman's parents actually loved him.

What did you think
this show was about, honestly?

It's a roast, you know.

We'll start with some food.
I hadn't realized the peel was still on.

-Hey, Linda!
-Hey.

Why is this damn stove beeping?

How do you stop the noise?

I like Linda. She knows a thing or two.

I'll just add some pancakes.

Cooking is not one of them.

-Is this a line?
-It is a line, but don't snort it.

I don't really get what
she is trying to make.

I make it quite often, so... Shit. Sorry.

The authorities ought to intervene.

We'll call it
an alternative Tom Yum, right?

We have some squid.

And that's not something
you're familiar with.

-Does it need to be cooked?
-No, you eat it raw.

You don't need to make it
like other people do.

Here's your little snack plate.

It's almost done. The pancake.

Yummy. You shouldn't have, Linda.
Seriously.

-Seriously.
-Really seriously.

Absolutely seriously.

I apologize. I didn't notice the peel
before I put it in.

So the baguette is for pointing!
I didn't understand why it was here.

Tonight, Ane is going to be roasted,

and that's why I have small suitcase
I need to arrange.

Feel free to eat all you want.

I have a bit of mixed emotions.
It is nice that we'll talk a lot about me,

but I also know that in the end,
there is a risk it will be unpleasant.

Boys and girls!

You are the only person
that has more Christmas stuff than me.

That makes you a star psychopath.

-Do you really wear these?
-Yes.

-Yes?
-And not only in December.

You came in eleven out of twelve
in Dancing with the Stars.

That joke went further than you did.

This is something
one can get a lot out of.

But what are they going to say?
"Okay, you have been on TV dancing."

I think they'll say something different.

You're welcome to go nuts
with this suitcase.

Ane and I are off and have a chat.

Yes. Come, my darling.

It is nice to be the center
of everybody's attention.

But I find it really hard

-to see anything negative about myself.
-Yes.

There is enough to use in Ane's suitcase.
I'm happy about that.

-Can I wear these on stage?
-Of course.

It's actually better
than what you normally wear.

-That is Niels.
-Yes, it's Niels.

The funniest dog alive.

Niels has an underbite.
I'm not kidding, it's at least one inch.

-What's up?
-That's wild.

If you say, "You have an ugly dog,"
she'll start crying.

Last night, I was thinking,
"What could they possibly come up with?"

I think there's quite a lot. Seriously.

Do you think I can get away with
making a Lasse Madsen reel?

Like, "I am very close!" "I'm far away."
"What's up?" "Here's something else."

Really, he's just a grown-up baby to her.

She met him at a time
he needed a woman to change his diapers.

I think there will be a silence...

Approximately five minutes of silence.

I remember when she was dating Lars Allan.

I'll be talking about that.

"Now you listen to me, Lars Allan."

-I feel rather confident.
-Okay, yes.

I notice that.

Well, she's totally insane
when she's on her period.

That's the angle you're going to take?

Go ahead with that.

I'll delete everything I have on "Bitches
are crazy when they have their period."

And she has her period right now.

She told me.
She's sitting outside bleeding right now.

That's bloody fortunate. Hey, Lasse!

-Hey, Lasse.
-Hey, Lasse.

We're so happy to have Ane here,
thank you.

I'm calling you, because I thought that...

LASSE MADSEN
ANE'S HUSBAND

When I watch her perform,
she's quite harsh with you.

I agree.

-Yeah, I think...
-I agree.

Yeah, I think...

I know she's a bit older than you,
but she talks about you

as if you are a lot younger than her.

I am beating around the bush now.

I have noticed how she talks
about you, so I would like to imitate you

in the way she presents you.

May I do that? Is that okay with you?

Of course it's okay. Just go for it.

So, with your blessing, I would like
to make one of those videos

you're so damn good at.

TRYING TO SEDUCE MY GIRLFRIEND:

I look forward to seeing you do that,
because I use very short sentences.

I look forward
to seeing you use short sentences.

I need to speak
in a totally different manner.

I look forward to her coming home.
I must say.

Holy shit, it's tough being a single dad.
You take a lot of things for granted.

I mistakenly took Ebbe to day care.
I forgot he's in kindergarten.

This is a problem, Lasse,

because you just confirmed
everything she says about you.

I'm doing some research on Mikkel
while we're here,

and I'm sitting in my room.

I find a dark side
of the Internet called WikiFeet,

which shows pictures
of famous people's feet.

Somebody wrote that
about your foot in 2022.

-You are here as well, Talbot.
-Yes! I mean no.

-It's really pushing boundaries.
-Completely. I feel dirty.

-Abused.
-Flattered.

-You get caught up in it.
-It depends on the rating.

-Not looking good.
-I have really nasty feet.

They agree. I got 4.1.

-You got 3.77...
-No!

-That's not so good.
-Oh, dear...

-3.7.
-You can't be happy with that.

-Can you accept 3.77?
-No, I can't.

I think that's awful.

I would really like to help you.

-You start from the middle...
-Holy smokes, they are smokin'.

-His toes?
-All of it. They're so long.

You've got tiny feet.

And a small patch of hair right here.

-Not very masculine.
-Considered going to Alanya to fix it?

Somebody made a picture
of me and my girlfriend on a beach

where my feet are visible.

My girlfriend was blurred out.

-What?
-And focused on my feet.

I believe my girlfriend
is pretty stunning.

-She's gorgeous.
-You have scored

beyond your capability.
She looks way better than you.

Another league.
She's from another country, or planet.

Not the same continent, even.

You aren't even...

If it was called "Good Looks WikiFeet"
you would be at -2.8.

Your girlfriend would have been a 12.

-She's much better looking than you are.
-You're so brutal.

A lot prettier than you.

A lot.

People say that.

Good thing you have your holiday home,
otherwise you'd never have caught her.

I think she's realizing
that we're looking forward to this roast.

That there may be stuff to write about.
I think she is trying to scare us off

to divert our attention. And it's working!

-I'll just pose my foot.
-I'm just trying to go for portrait mode.

-Wow. It looks great, Ane.
-Damn good.

It's dripping. That's great.

This is only for private use.

-Holy smokes! Nice foot, Talbot!
-Wow!

You'll be roasting me soon,
and I'd like you to remember

that I helped you get your ratings up.

I appreciate it.
I'll practice roasting you.

No!

Good evening! I have the pleasure
of being your vacation organizer.

I'm also your roast master this evening.

The four fabulous comedians present

are the ones
who will be kicking ass tonight.

Let me try that again.
They won't be kicking ass.

The four fabulous and handsome comedians
sitting behind me

will roast some ass tonight.

And ladies and gentlemen, the comedian
in the hot seat is Ane Høgsberg.

Would you like to say something
before we start?

I'd like to say "good luck"
to my colleagues.

I just got my period.

I'm 50/50 on the verge of tears
or being furious. This will be good.

Let's get started!

We'll have a roaster on stage.

A comedian who isn't only a comedian.

He produces and sells alcohol.

Presumably, to get
a little closer to his dad.

Ladies and gentlemen, Simon Talbot!

I'm so excited. I'll open with
the meanest thing I have ever written.

One can always tell if Ane is looking
forward to coming home to her fat husband

or her fat dog, depending on whether
she's put Nutella or pâté on her crotch.

What did you think this show was about?

It's a roast, you know.

Ane has a Batman tattoo, which is ironic,
as Batman's parents actually loved him.

Ane had a boyfriend who was depressed.

So she did a show on depression.

Her friend died,
and she made a show on death.

Ane's shows are always
about other people's tragedies,

and how difficult it is for Ane
to watch it herself.

She suffers from their suffering.

It's a bit like Munchausen by Punch line.

She makes a living off of other people's
traumas, like a psychic vampire.

She's the personification of changing
her profile photo to the Ukrainian flag.

Je suis Ane. It can be a bit hard for Ane.

Actually, I think that the flower outfit
you've chosen is very symbolic.

You're the beauty
growing on top of other people's graves.

I know you're all thinking,
"That's pretty harsh."

Ane indulges in misery to the point
that Lasse Madsen is her boyfriend.

He can't even go down on her. "It stinks.

"That's not for me. I'll move over here."

Let's get serious.
My wife was about to die giving birth,

and Ane's only comment was,
"Can I use that?"

As a good colleague, I'd like to help you
with the titles for your next shows.

Here we have Ane's next shows
based on not-yet-used tragedies.

-Comedy Untergang.
-What?

Genocide in Wanda.

Held For a Lemon Ransom.

I feel like you're unsure if I hate her.
I don't. She's a sweet person.

I recently had my daughter. There were
complications during birth and colic.

During that time,
Ane wrote messages to my wife and me

with tips and advice and support.
I'll always remember you for that.

And I do look forward to your next show,
Me and the Colic Baby.

Ane Høgsberg, ladies and gentlemen.

Okay. I thought he was
the nice one in the boy band over there.

Tonight's next roaster
is a man who talks so much

that Siri deleted herself in protest.

Lasse Rimmer, ladies and gentlemen.

Damn it, Ane. I care so much about you,
as you know.

I wish you'd told me,
before we started the show

that you have your period.

Then I would have asked the producers
to put a towel in the chair.

I know you find it hard
being away from home.

I know you already miss
your little boy at home, Lasse Madsen.

We're not even halfway through the show,
and I know it hurts your heart.

I spoke to Lasse today,
and he does not feel the same way.

I'm talking about both him and Ebbe.
They don't miss you at all.

Lasse said that Ebbe had woken up
with a nightmare last night,

"I dreamt Mom was back home."

Lasse comforted him and said,
"No, she won't be home for a while."

Then he said,
"Maybe Mom's flight will crash."

I'll be on the same plane. Relax.

Why are you cheering?

Lasse Madsen is your boyfriend.
I looked forward to talking about that.

Lasse is seven years your junior.

Seven years? Amateur!

I found, to everybody's surprise, a video.

All the way back on the storage shelves
of Instagram, I found an old video,

where he, in classic Lasse-style,

talks about what it's like
being your boyfriend.

I don't believe anybody has watched it.
So I thought we could enjoy it together.

-Wow, that's exciting.
-Your boyfriend Lasse Madsen.

Tulle, guess who's wearing
his new PAW Patrol underwear?

You have to eat up,
otherwise you won't get dessert.

My girlfriend is 100 times
more childish than I am. That's a fact.

My favorite thing is when Tulle puts me
on the potty, because then I know

we're going to have sex.
I said "have sex."

I would like to try dirty talking.

Fart banana. Pissy pussy.

That's not how we speak in this household.

Would you like to see my winter coat?
It's hanging by the butterfly.

I recently discovered
that I like oral sex.

My girlfriend taught me you don't know
until you've tried it.

I think I have cooties,

but my girlfriend won't take me
to the doctor.

When Tulle doesn't want me to know
what she's talking to other adults about,

she starts spelling words.

It works!

BEING ANE HØGBERG'S BOYFRIEND

Nice!

Ane, you've not only
been my good friend for ten years,

you and Lasse
were invited to mine and Line's wedding.

I haven't told anybody this.

Only the guests would know
and they've kept it a secret.

Something happened during the reception.
My uncle suffered a heart attack.

I feel like it's a good opportunity
to say a big thank you,

also from my aunt,
for not resuscitating him.

Somebody had to keep the party going,
and you did a great job.

With three doctors present, you'd think,
"Maybe I'll just hang out at the bar."

And you just partied on as if nothing
had happened. I'm so happy for that.

I can't honestly call you
one of the funniest people I know.

It wouldn't be the truth.
I think you're one of the funniest,

sweetest, most caring people I know.

Ane Høgsberg.

Lasse!

Are you moved by what he said?

Yes, I am. But it's also because
what he said is true.

-That you didn't do anything?
-Nothing whatsoever. I had cake and cava.

Honestly, I wasn't really aware of it.

But it could be a great show?

Exactly. I was just standing there,
observing. Took some notes, filmed.

Why wasn't I invited
to the wedding, Lasse?

We were several comedians there.

We had a free bar, but not that free.

We'll quickly move on.

The next comedian is brave. He is pale
and a redhead, and he still agreed

to participate in a show
filmed in the sun, even if his pigment

resembles a ticket for the cloakroom.
Welcome, Mikkel Klint Thorius.

-Ane?
-Yes.

I've decided
that I won't do jokes about you being fat,

or the fact
that your boyfriend is Lasse Madsen.

So this won't take long.

You and I go way back.

You're one of the weirdest people I know.

You are a strange mix
of a child care assistant, Ghita Nørby,

and the lump of hair
you pull out when you clean the drain.

One can always count on you.

If Ane forgets an appointment,
her chocolate calendar was not proofread.

You were very much a feminist
when we first met.

Then you realized
there was no money in that.

You did a show called
Everybody Hates Feminists.

The premise of the show was
that you would fight for equality

with facts you made up.

You received a lot of death threats
after the show.

I'd like to apologize for that.

We worked on Nørgaard Netflix
for three seasons.

I negotiated the salary for both of us.

You were living by the feminist principle
that women should get equal pay,

and for that to happen,
a man had to arrange it for you.

But we had a good time. We really did.

That is, when you didn't have your period.

I'm not saying that all women
who have their period are crazy,

I'm just saying that Ane is.

I'm still keeping track of your cycle
in my calendar at home.

I am.

When I was asked if I wanted to be
on this show, the first thing I said was,

"That depends on how it's scheduled
in relation to Ane's cycle."

Roast her during her period?
Only if I can do it in armor...

Fuck!

That's the only reason I'm wearing
this fucking armor. One more time.

When I was asked,

"It depends how it is scheduled
in relation to Ane's period!

"Roast her during her period?

"Only if I'm allowed to wear this armor
during the roast." Thank you.

Then our paths parted.

You were part of Dancing with the Stars,
a big dream of yours.

Unfortunately, you enjoyed dancing
more than Denmark enjoyed you.

When people leave Dancing with the Stars,
they say they've been on a journey.

You only went two subway stops.

You were so sad
when you were told to leave.

You cried so much, Ane.

You know you can dance
without a camera rolling?

It's not like they said,
"Never dance again."

They should have said that.

You can just take dancing lessons.

It's only fun if a gay guy is scoring me.

Then you were on Kender du typen?

You have a dog with underbite
and you collect snow globes.

Nobody knows that kind of person.

Really...

In that episode, the experts kept guessing
after they saw your photo.

"She's a mom,
but I don't know who she is."

I look forward to see
what you come up with next.

You're really great. Ane Høgsberg!

Mikkel Klint Thorius!

When you're in armor,
there is one joke. You can't fuck up.

I did that. I fuck edit up.

So I'm wearing big armor,
and I look really stupid.

On stage now, we have a man
who has done so many mushrooms,

that 98% of all Smurfs are homeless.

Give a big hand to Tobias Dybvad!

He is wearing an outfit identical to mine.

We must like the same things.

Ane Høgsberg. Or "Tulle,"

as your boyfriend, Lasse Madsen,
calls you on Instagram.

It's not often
that Instagram adds puke emojis.

You don't take any shortcuts
when it comes to comedy.

You left a man called Lars Allan.

Then you don't really want to do comedy.

Lars Allan, Lars Allan.

I could tell how much you,
when you were still together,

how much you loved
saying that name on stage.

I get that... Lars Allan, Lars Allan.

That must be so hard to let go of.

"I won't leave him yet.
I have a tour next month."

All punch lines are more fun
with Lars Allan.

"I finished eleventh
on Dancing with the Stars. Lars Allan."

"We shouldn't have agreed
to be on that show,

"where you're in IKEA
after closing hours, Lars Allan."

Crazy shit, man.

You have 30 seconds to empty a store
of all its entertainment value.

You and Lasse have a son, Ebbe.

That's also a funny name.
But it doesn't come close to Lars Allan.

You could have said to Lasse,
"If you bring in a bonus kid,

"I want to name the one we have together.

"I name it Lars Allan.

"If it's a girl,
I can agree to Lars Ellen."

It was insanely funny what you did
with Talbot's embarrassing USA trip.

It was very funny. And very courageous,

considering that you attempted
crowdfunding to raise money

to publish a stand-up show on vinyl.

You tried to get 250 people

to invest in a stand-up vinyl record.

They didn't, Lars Allan.

Then again, you don't take shortcuts.
You take the complicated route.

It shouldn't be easy being your audience.

First you have to buy a record player.
Then visit Helge's Cheese on Værnedamsvej.

"Enter a phone booth, and if you enter
the right number, you get a chance

"to buy a record
with my stand-up show about death."

I want to give you the opportunity
to sit in a board game café

in Jægersborgsgade in Nørrebro, and say,
"The show is actually out on vinyl!"

So I had a copy made.

-Wow!
-No!

Thank you!

Tobias Dybvad!

You are really happy right now.
All the way in the tummy.

Honestly! I's the best day of my life!

I've never been roasted before.
Not right to my face.

It feels like a declaration of love.

If only I was the one
being roasted again tomorrow.

The best performance tonight,
because it made me laugh the most,

is Tobias Dybvad, ladies and gentlemen.

I love that you didn't comment
on the outfit.

I think it is really stupid
to turn comedy into a competition.

Unless you win, then it's totally cool.

It is really a pleasure being
on the coast with these people.

Tomorrow, we'll do it again. The victim
in the hot seat will be Lasse Rimmer.

Thank you!

Lasse once met Sofie Linde
at a Christmas party at Danmarks Radio.

But she already described that in detail.

-You made Live from Bremen.
-Don't remind us about that.

I see a lot of myself in you.

I'm 20 years your senior. Were you
a woman, I would have meant it literally.

What kind of origin story is that?

You're a reverse Batman.
Your father passed away too late.