All language subtitles for Roast on the Coast S01E02.en-us.dialog

I'm not sweating out the asshole, but...
That ass would have been more sweaty

if I didn't get Botox in my sweat glands.

-What?
-Right here.

Under my tits, too.

-Have you had Botox under your tits?
-I really sweat a lot.

Sometimes I sweat so much more
than everyone else.

I wonder, "Am I going through menopause?"

Imagine wanting to share that with people

who are about to say
something nasty about you.

I'm Linda P, and I've invited
five of my good comedian friends

to visit me
at my summer house in Marbella.

During the day, we relax,
and in the evening,

the comedians take turns
sitting in the hot seat,

where they get to roast each other.

Ladies and gentlemen,
our main character, Tobias Dybvad.

Dybvad's personality is so nonexistent
that he can be described as "meh."

This here, it's rubbing it in my face,
because I voted for you.

You're too good at spending money.
You're just one online shopping spree away

from being allowed to ask
Thomas Helmig questions on DR1.

ROAST ON THE COAST

I've been doing stand-up for 31 years,
but I've been a poet for 32 years.

-Okay.
-Yes.

I's Tobias' day, but there's a percentage
that will be dedicated to Lasse.

So today is poetry time.

You seem a little worried
about your own contribution.

I don't like it. It's one of those ideas
that sounds great until you do it.

I was 19 years old,
and I was extremely serious about this.

We're going to hear him recite poems

he wrote in '93, I think.

I didn't know the show
was about humiliating yourself.

This poem is called "Slagtning."

Who claimed
that creation is the masterpiece?

Later, the antics grow when one
talks, walks, sits, writes, and loves.

The paper and the mess
it still rises from.

A primitive manuscript,
in need of grooming.

The magic dough pounded
into a synthetic carpet.

The whole thing must gain its dimensions
and hooks, where consistency

can bleed away,

at least my images of impossibility.
My antics are greater.

Anyone can start living.

I don't understand a fucking thing, man.
What the hell is he talking about?

-Do you even know what it means?
-It's been 31 years since he wrote that.

And he kept it at home all this time,
thinking, "One day this will be relevant."

And maybe it will, but not today.

-No, but...
-I think it's wild that you wrote this

when you were 20 years old.

I was still sticking pencils up my nose
when I was 20.

I think I handled being roasted well.

It went really well
because it was such a great show.

-You left too happy.
-Okay.

-We'll compensate for that on Dybvad.
-Yes.

-That's the plan.
-Yes.

I've had difficulty sleeping,
I was looking forward to do my part.

Tonight, we're doing it again.
This time, you're in the hot seat, Dybvad.

And mark my words,
there will be a reality contestant or two,

ready with popcorn,
high hopes, looking forward

-to seeing your ass getting roasted.
-I'm very excited, trying to guess

what they will use to roast me,
and there will be some surprises.

I've thought about what it feels like
to be in that chair.

I fear being a comedian
that can't take a joke.

"Funny guy, gross personality."
Just half of what I've been called,

but a gross personality, really,
that's pretty harsh.

Don't be shy when you slaughter him.

Dear friends, feel free to go crazy

with the contents of the suitcase.
We'll step back, Tobias.

Yuck, for heaven's sake. He is ugly.

When he's claimed,
"God hates half of my baby,"

referring to my genes... That gives me
carte blanche to destroy him.

Sometimes I'm afraid
that I lack personality.

But now we know
Dybvad is the type who wears socks.

"Say something that defines him."
And then she packs his socks.

It's something about socks.
He loves socks.

-What can one say about Tobias?
-Funny guy, no personality.

Dybvad has opened the game with Talbot.

He's not afraid to play hard. Then I come
sliding in with the studs first.

I think it's funny when a joke is harsh.

I know. It's almost a reaction,
a muscle that kicks in.

Like, "Yes!"

It's going to be difficult to roast a man
who roasts himself that much.

I agree.

It's hard saying something about someone
who has kind of said it all themselves.

"You're ugly." Yeah, I know.

You're not that famous.

Then he makes the show
Aren't you the one from Dybvad?

He's abusing himself verbally.

-I think his dress code is bonkers.
-What?

His choice of colors. Pink.

You're a grown man.
You've had a tracksuit tailored for you.

He's actually just a very big child
in some very ugly clothes.

I wanted to make
something out of my costume

in the show Levemand,
I thought it was fitting to go all in.

-When I saw the price...
-Forty-one thousand kroner.

-He is a disaster with money.
-Yes.

This is a completely insane poster.

He spent all the profits
to rent a fucking jet ski.

He has a strange relationship with money.

Those are his tax returns.
From 2011 and 2012.

You owe 178,825 kroner.

That's a tax debt?

Why can't one pay such a small debt?

Listen. 121,000, that's what he pays
in tips at a steakhouse.

That's what I mean.

I'm not sure of what direction I'll go in,
but something is definitely cooking.

-My first thought with Dybvad, right.
-Yes.

If you look at him, this is a guy
who believes he's got style.

He's like the human version of this house.

-It's just too much.
-He thinks, "People will dig this."

They'll take one look and go,
"What, why, you shouldn't have.

-"You really didn't need to do that."
-"How much did you pay?"

I've found Tobias' outfit. Right?

It sure feels...

-It actually suits you really well.
-Does it?

Maybe it's his body shape
that makes him ugly.

Maybe this is actually cool.

If we could get a cheese board
and a bottle of red wine,

and just tuck it in here.

I'll definitely include some bad taste.

Then I'll take something
about his personality.

-This one, in case I get horny.
-Of course.

Did you bring the socks?
Then you can jerk off.

I'll see if I can be a bit meaner
than I actually imagined I could be.

His ugly face is an obvious choice.

But also his terrible career decisions.

But I'm just not sure
if that actually bites enough.

I'm not here for a good time,
I'm here to win.

-Hey, baby.
-Hey, you.

I'm mixing this up a bit, but you've
actually worked with him. A lot.

I find it really difficult
to roast Dybvad,

because he constantly exposes
all his flaws.

So I have to draw on
my own history with him.

He's a huge control freak.

You quickly learn to read his signals.
If he says, "No..." Then you leave it.

-Then you shouldn't pitch it again.
-He said no.

-Then you'll get fired.
-Yes, if you keep on...

It's just like...

-If he has a shitty idea.
-No, yes.

He hates when you question him.

-I do nothing but that. Tonight.
-That's a good thing.

You look lovely.

I'm getting a bit restless.

As comedians, we have quite
a reputation for being unathletic.

Now we're here, and it's the opportunity
to show the world

that it's 100% true.

Monster!

Okay, Lasse. Lasse!

Lasse!

Do you prefer a hard or soft bat?

Are you talking about sex now?

The atmosphere is incredibly childish.

The adults are gone, and we get to relax
and play some pole tennis.

This is shoveling.

-Is Lasse lecturing about pole tennis?
-Yeah, it's actually quite annoying.

-No, now you're shoveling.
-No I'm not.

Aren't you confusing it
with hitting multiple times?

Yeah. Oh, I just missed
three times in a row.

I don't think I've ever been
with more unsportsmanlike people.

Now I'm going to try something
I've only seen on TV.

And what will he do?

-A Neymar thing.
-Lay down and cry?

Yes, that looks right.

That's one of the Brazilians.

That was a pass.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to get
your roasts ready. See you tonight.

If there's one victim
that makes me want to take risks

and just throw the script out
the window, it's Tobias Dybvad.

I do feel a pressure

about having to come for Tobias
because we're so close,

I've spent all day trying to find
the right approach.

I notice a certain nervousness.

I will mention things
I doubt he's fully prepared for.

I will talk about things
that Linda didn't put in the suitcase.

Good evening. These four look like
a boy band that never was meant to be.

Sorry, Ane.

Our main guest in the hot seat.
He looks nervous, I love it.

He's a man who once was described
as, "Funny guy, gross personality."

That is absolutely spot on.
Tobias Dybvad, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's get started.

Tonight's first roaster won the title
Comedian of the Year as many times

as I've had testicular cancer.

Give a big hand to Mikkel Klint Thorius.

Dybvad is a man who
appreciates a good and witty joke.

He's kind of my old boss, so it's fun to
say, "What do you think about this one?"

Tobias, I remember
the first time I met you

as a young, 18-year-old comedian.
We were out on town,

and you bought some gin and tonics.
You paid with a five hundred-note,

and said to the bartender,
"Just keep the change."

And I remember thinking,
"Okay, Dybvad is loaded."

The week after that,
you announced Livet i nødsporet,

which was about the tax debt
of 300,000 that you owed.

You're not generous.
You're number illiterate. You know that?

You had just made Tjenesten on DR.
Back then, it was a radio program.

Today, making Tjenesten on DR
means giving a blow job to have a career.

It's just to say... Yes, okay.

We've known each other for a long time.
You hate it when people are nitpicking.

I get it.

There is nothing worse when you owe tax
and have a gambling disorder,

to run into people who are into "numbers."

When the tax agency sends a reminder,

you go,
"Why are they so hung up on money?"

You are so good at spending funny money,
and had some insane business ventures.

Rappers spend funny money on jewelry
and bottles in the club.

They have no idea
what spending funny money is.

You lose 60,000 at a casino
and then go home to start up a web shop

selling hoodies with a lemon on the front.

That's fucking funny money.

Sometimes your accountant must look
at your accounts and think, "What's this?"

You're one web shop venture away
from asking Thomas Helmig questions on TV.

You got tattoos made when
you did Dybvaaaaad!

You got piercings when you did LOL.

Every time you're in a new TV show,
you subject your body to something insane.

Did you put on weight or get a boob job
for the Good Morning, Denmark show?

It's only important to you, you know that?
It's TV. We fake things.

We're in Linda P's "beach house."

But finally, I just want to
say that when I got the offer

to show up and roast you,

it was damn easy to accept.
Damn, I accepted so quickly.

"How much are you paying me
to roast Dybvad?

"Am I coming? Are you crazy, man?"

That was it.

Mikkel Klint Thorius.

Thomas Helmig got to me, I must say.

It got to us all
in a way we didn't want to.

It was like... No, that's enough.

Tonight's next roaster is a comedian

whose stage name might as well be
"Linda P couldn't make it tonight."

Ladies and gentlemen,
please give a hand to Ane Høgsberg.

Right then, it dawns on me that I have
to say these things to his face.

I'm looking forward to getting it done,
but also nervous of how it will turn out.

Dear Tobias.

It's been difficult for me to come up
with something cruel about you.

You're a good guy.
A sweet little kid who doesn't really

know what you're up to.

I get maternal feelings for you.

I'm torn between laughing
and changing your diaper.

You're like a big kid running in

with your TV show in your hand,
like it's a drawing, "Look what I made!"

And I think, "It probably won't
make it on to the fridge right away."

The idea behind Dybvaaaaad! was good
from an outsider's perspective.

But when you actually look at it,
it was you being on TV

talking about other shows on TV.

Actually, there's not much difference
between Dybvaaaaad! and teletext.

Just saying.

You're like a big kid whose parents went
on vacation, and left 500 kroner for food.

So you took the 500 kroner
and spent it on ugly clothes,

ugly piercings, ugly tattoos,
a big jet ski.

And then, of course, there's no money left
for a haircut and some good taste.

Fifteen years ago,
I saw you on stage making jokes about

how embarrassing it was that Dan Rachlin
tried to be young with young people.

You like that one!

I have to break it to you,
you've become Dan Rachlin.

You're moving into some club of men
with Peter Pan syndrome.

You're one nanny away
from becoming Bubber. That's it, Dybvad.

And you know it.

There's something cool about
you embracing that adult-child persona.

There's something cool about owning it.

You must have looked yourself
in the mirror and been like...

"This is it, Dybber.
"A baby face and milk teeth.

"Nothing you can do about it.
We're rolling with it."

But honestly, you were the reason
why I wanted to do stand-up.

I had De udvalgte on CD,
and listened to it over and over

and over and over again.

Every time your set came on, I thought,

"You know what,
I think I could do better than that."

Ane Høgsberg.

Tonight's next roaster is a man

who got fined for urinating publicly
in the street,

which is silly, because his genes dictate
that his ejaculations should be illegal.

Ladies and gentlemen, Simon Talbot!

Yeah. Finally.

Dybvad has made really good television.
Then he made Dybvads Sofa.

Dybvads Sofa is essentially a program
that was solely about shamelessly leeching

off other celebrities' cool anecdotes.

I've never seen such shameless
exploitation of a person on a couch.

Dybvad stands next to Nikolaj Stokholm
until he's famous, too.

Roll film, so I don't look so pale.

"Can we get Bo Lydmand in here?
So I don't look so fat and sweaty either."

What's most fascinating about Dybvad
is that you can be so famous

and still have no personality.

You're one of my best friends,
but nobody knows who you are.

Dybvad just looks like a package of pâté
that wanted to become a real boy.

And you put in so much effort

to even exist.

You do everything you can to be edgy,
and it's just piercings and tattoos.

Still nobody cares about what's inside.

If Dybvad committed suicide,
the train conductor would be like.

"We are stopping briefly in Middelfart.
The color beige has been run down."

Well, I could go on. And I will.

Let's see
how many "Dybvad has no personality" jokes

I can make in 60 seconds.

Okay.

Dybvad has so little personality, that

he looks like someone
who taught a Dr. Oetker pudding to speak.

He makes Mark Le Fêvre seem evil and edgy.

If he were wanted man,
he would be described as "meh."

Flügger uses him
as a reference for "a background color."

His favorite song is the one Borgerservice
is using on their phone service.

He can be an anonymous witness
even when showing up in court.

He's a human rum ball.

"Rum balls."
That's what Linda calls her balls.

Dybvad's show should be
called "Funny guy, no personality."

His pronouns are "oh, dear."

He was used as wallpaper at Domus Vista.

When he takes a personality test,
it says, "Try again later."

Tobias grows a mustache to avoid
looking like an lesbian truck driver,

which makes him look
like a lesbian truck driver.

His wife calls him "dear"
because she forgets his name all the time.

When he quizzes...

That's all, folks.

Okay.

It's only for fun. You are an icon,
and you are one of my...

The most selfless...
Oh, there you are. Sorry.

I just want to say...

Simon Talbot.

I got a bit more

forced smile.

That a good observation,
considering your personality.

-That's true.
-Is there is anything

we've discussed over a glass of red wine
your therapist might have mentioned?

Remember the funny guy
from Casper og Mandrilaftalen?

This guy was sitting right next to him.
Lasse Rimmer, ladies and gentlemen.

Dybvad is a real control freak.
He likes to have everything under control.

That makes me even more eager
to let loose.

You're not a man who hides
your own faults and shortcomings,

and I can tell you
that Tobias Dybvad has even shared

his tax returns for 2011 and 2012 with us.

You owed 178,000 for 2011,
and you owed 121,000 for 2012.

Yeah. And we need to talk about that.

Remember how it was back then.

In 2009, the entire
comedian community nominated you

for the talent award
at the annual Comedy Gala.

You didn't win. That was
because you didn't have a talent...

...anymore.

You were too big a name.
We all agreed on that.

It was a bit of an inside joke
because we knew you owed money in taxes.

And we thought,
if he win the talent award,

then there's 100,000
he can pay right away.

We nominated you in 2010. You didn't win.

We nominated you in 2011.
Then you win. 100,000 kroner.

That was the least we could do
to help you get rid of your tax debt.

And today, 12 years later, I discover,
you haven't paid that tax debt.

Why are you forcing me to be

Jan Swyrtz from Luksusfælden
and stand here and say,

"Then we have the miscellaneous expenses.
There should be a talent award."

This is rubbing it in my face,
because I voted for you, Dybvad.

Year after year after year, I was the guy

who gave the last coins of my welfare
to what I thought was a homeless person.

And now I find out
it's fucking Anders Holch Povlsen...

The super-billionaire from Bestseller.
What kind of attitude is that?

It's like watching Peter Madsen take
a victory loop in the submarine, man.

What the fuck?

I'm a little pissed off, actually.

I'm here to say, all the money
you've squeezed out of your talent

to hire funny people...
You've wasted too much of it on tattoos.

We've had the chance to see them
as we have been out in the sun.

I had no idea how bad it was.

The Fuhlendorff tattoo on your arm...
You don't really talk to him anymore.

You have Maiken Wexø tattooed
on one of your upper arms.

A woman who gave you permission
to use clips from outdated TV programs,

on a program you no longer host.

Are you trying to punish your skin,

or are you trying to torment our eyes?

You must remember one thing about
really ugly, poorly considered tattoos.

It's actually not the person who got them
who has to look at them. It's us.

And you haven't asked for my consent

to penetrate my retinas with that
ink syphilis you've chosen. Don't...

Don't you make faces at me
with your lower lip!

I don't understand how you can
be disciplined enough to microdose

the drugs you're on,
and then simultaneously OD on tattoos.

I...

I think you deserve all the success
that has come your way,

because I love watching you perform.
Tobias Dybvad.

Lasse Rimmer!

After that first evening, I felt,
"The others are really well prepared,

"and I do like to keep
the reins a bit loose."

Today, I just let go even more,
and the horse decided where we were going.

It's only now that it dawns on me,
that I'm done.

The best roaster tonight is...
As rough as I really like it,

and delivering one-liner after one-liner.

Mikkel Klint Thorius.

Being recognized by one's colleagues is

almost as important
as being recognized by the audience.

It's not as important,
but damn, it's almost as important.

Thank you for yet another fantastic show.

Tomorrow, we do it again. The victim
in the hot seat will be Ane Høgsberg.

So I'll just... Tomorrow. That's cool.

Ane.

You're such a strange mix
of a kindergarten assistant,

Ghita Nørby, and the lump of hair
you pull out when you clean your drain.

We're all on fire.

Then you date. Then you find another one.
They're all 19.

You sit as if you're being interviewed

because you've become the youngest
store manager in Sailing Group history.

COMING UP