Original subtitles

You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things...

And then wonders why his life sucks?

Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me,

somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner.

Karma.

That's when I realized i had to change.

So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done,

and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.

I'm just tryin' to be a better person.

My name is Earl.

The tough thing about having a list...

Of over 200 things you've done wrong to people...

Is choosing which one you're gonna make up for next.

Should I do number 73...

Always took a penny, never left a penny?

Count that up and see if I've got any change coming back.

[ Earl narrating ] or should it be number 86...

Stole a car from a one-legged girl?

You said you loved me!

[ Ricochet ]

[ Earl narrating ] or should I tackle one of the many things on the list...

That involve my ex-wife, joy?

I still can't believe that son of a bitch won the lottery right after I divorced him.

Half that money should be mine.

Look at my bicep when I do this.

See how it pop out right there on the side?

That's new.

I'm gonna get me that money.

- What's this? - I got you something to help you with your list.

It's a quit smoking tape. Remember number 102...

Harmed and possibly killed people with second-hand smoke.

Oh, yeah. Where'd you get it? It's got jelly on it.

I showed Catalina where the good yard sales are.

I got a foot massager for two dollars. All it needs is a new motor.

[ Earl narrating ] ever since the first time Catalina cleaned our room,

Randy's been making any excuse to spend time with her.

Hey, how much for this tape that helps you quit smoking?

[ Synthesized voice ] forty cents.

- How about 25? - Thirty-five.

- Thirty? - thirty-two.

Deal. hey, say "Luke, I am your father."

Luke, I am your father.

[ Randy ] so, you gonna quit?

Yeah, yeah, I am. I just wanna finish this pack first. I don't wanna be wasteful.

Number 49 on my list... I've been wasteful.

So what's next on your list?

I don't know. I haven't figured that out yet. Can I pick one?

Yeah. why not? I gotta do 'em all anyway.

How about... [ vocalizing ] 112...

"Let Donny Jones serve jail time for a crime I committed?"

Oh, man. Donny Jones.

[ Earl narrating ] a few years ago, I robbed a doughnut shop.

To be honest, i shouldn't have been out,

because I had a pretty bad cold, and I could've spread it around.

[ Sneezes ] uh-oh.

Fortunately for me, the security camera couldn't see my face,

and I had stolen this shirt from a friend named Donny Jones.

Unfortunately for Donny, he had a checkered past...

And no alibi for the night of the robbery.

Number four, step forward.

[ Earl narrating ] and most unfortunate for Donny, he had also caught my cold.

That's him. Number four.

What?

A jury found Donny guilty, and he served two years in prison.

I'm not doing Donny Jones.

Why not? I just don't want to.

I don't even know where he lives.

They got big yellow books to find that stuff out, Earl.

I'll quit smoking, all right? I'll do that one.

Look, I quit smoking. You're scared of Donny Jones.

- I'm not scared of Donny Jones. - Why are you scared of Donny Jones?

I'm not scared of Donny Jones.

[ Earl narrating ] that was a lie.

There aren't a lot of people on this earth that I'm afraid of, but Donny...

Well...

Oh, it is on.

[ Earl narrating ] Donny is crazy.

[ Grunts ]

[ Pounding continues ]

Look, I'd love to take care of Donny,

but I can only do one thing at a time.

I'm gonna focus on quittin' smoking.

[ Earl narrating ] I was gonna focus on quittin' smoking,

but it turns out quittin' smoking is stressful.

And when I stressed out, I smoke. Hey, Earl.

Hey, how's it goin'?

- We found Donny Jones. - What? Why?

It was Catalina's idea. She said you needed a push.

When someone's scared, they need a friend to push them to overcome that fear.

Yeah, you know, like throwing somebody in the ocean who's afraid to swim...

Or puttin' a snake in a young girl's bed.

I don't need a push. I'm not scared, all right?

I'm occupied. I'm busy quittin' smoking.

We're just trying to help.

[ Men chattering, burping ]

That was there when I got here.

Quittin' is hard, Randy. I didn't smoke for a whole hour, and I started to shake.

My system's used to runnin' on more tar.

[ Sighs ]

[ Earl narrating ] I knew cigarettes could kill me, but so could Donny Jones.

Besides, as far as me livin' a long life was concerned,

I should have been more worried about my ex-wife.

Oh, snap.

Darnell, run down to the video hut and rent me a vcr!

[ Woman ] oh, my god! Aunt Millie's walking!

Look! aunt Millie's walking! It's a miracle!

[ Joy on video ] next time you steal a camera,

have the common sense to steal the directions.

I think I got it on. Oh.

[ Joy on video ] I love you, Earl, and I love all this stuff you stole.

[ Earl on video ] I love that you love me and love all this stuff I stole.

I want to document this.

If I ever die, I want this woman right here to have everything I own.

Everything.

Oh, baby, that's so sweet.

What do you think of that?

Rewind it. I wanna see that old lady walk again.

[ Earl narrating ] joy knew that video was the only thing...

Close to a will that I have.

Normally she's not that violent, but money makes people crazy.

I'll take this.

There's a three-day waiting period for guns.

Land of the free, my ass.

Fine. what can I walk outta here with today that'll kill somebody?

Anything in aisle four. Oh, thank you.

[ Earl narrating ] Randy took Catalina to another yard sale...

To look for a motor for her foot massager,

so I had some time to focus on quittin' smoking.

[ Man on tape ] i am not a smoker.

I am not a smoker.

Smoking is bad.

Smokin' is bad.

I don't want to die.

I don't wanna die.

Damn it.

- You, and you alone, are in control... - [ Horn honks ]

Of your destiny.

Shoot.

Hey, I was just listening to your tape. Good stuff.

We got some krazy straws at the yard sale.

Wanna go get some slush puppies? Yeah, why not?

Nice, sugary drink might get my mind off cigarettes.

Man, I hope these straws don't have the flu in them.

[ Burps ] oh, hey, whoa. Where'd that come from?

I haven't smoked all day.

Why are we stoppin'? I think we got a flat in the back.

Yeah, I heard it too.

Damn it. I just got those tires five years ago.

What are you doin'?

- That's Donny's house. - What?

It's Donny's house. Face your fears.

[ Horn honking ]

This isn't funny. Open the door, Randy.

It's for your own good, Earl. This is your snake in the bed.

I don't want a snake in my bed.

You can't finish your list if you're scared.

We're doing this because you're our friend.

- Donny! - stop it! Let me in!

[ Horn honks ]

- [ Horn honks ] - Randy, open the door.

Earl? Earl hickey?

Donny Jones! Hey, buddy.

[ Laughs ] we should, uh, catch up sometime.

You know, when I don't have to...

[ Tires screeching ]

Or now.

[ Earl narrating ] have you ever heard the expression "crazy eyes"?

Well, Donny had 'em. Earl hickey.

Donny Jones. You look good.

You look good. Look real good.

What are those, new pants?

No. I had 'em a while.

Mmm, they still look new. Nice crease.

I should, uh... I should get me a pair of those.

Hard to find good pants. [ Chuckles ]

So, your brother and that little Mexican lady told me you wanted to talk to me about some list.

Did they now? All right. Good.

Yeah, they can be very helpful.

[ Sighs ] all right, here's the deal, Donny.

I'm on, uh, kind of a mission.

Wow, these are long... And sharp, huh?

They're my mom's. She likes to knit.

Good for you, sweetheart. Nice to have a hobby.

Anyway, uh, Donny,

um, I've recently discovered Karma,

and I've written a list of all the bad things I've done in my life,

and I'm trying to make up for 'em.

I think I know what you're gettin' at, Earl.

You do? Yep.

You had an awakening. Same thing happened to me in the joint...

When I found Jesus.

- Wow. - nice, huh?

I also got Moses partin' the red sea on my bottom. You wanna see that?

- No, no. M-maybe later. - Okay.

So, anyway, about a month into my sentence,

I started readin' the Bible, and it really kept me out of trouble.

[ Alarms blaring ] [ Men shouting ]

Hey, hey, we're gonna gang-stomp the guard in the cafeteria. You in?

Sorry. I'm busy stompin' the devil out of my heart.

But thanks for thinking of me.

Ever since I found the lord, i really turned my life around.

Prison turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

So... you're not mad that you were mistakenly incarcerated...

For a crime some... Unknown person committed?

I didn't Rob that store, Earl, but we both know I was a sinner.

Besides, as the good book says,

forgiveness is the way to salvation.

[ Grunts ] [ cushion deflating ]

Wow. that's a big Bible.

It's my mom's. Large print.

- Ah. - she refuses to wear her readin' glasses.

[ Whispering ] she thinks they make her look old.

"Do not drink wine when..."

"Thou goest into the taber..."

"Nacle of the lord."

So, you're all churched up then, huh? Good for you.

Givin' up all that hurtin' people.

I turn the other cheek now. And you got a tattoo of the red sea to prove it.

- Wanna see it now? - Ooh, not...

I'm still gonna pass on that.

But I do need to tell you something.

Uh, something I did to you that's on my list.

Something that turned out to be good for you but, all the same,

something that was wrong.

I was the one that, uh, robbed that doughnut store.

- What? - it was me, Donny.

I was wearing a... a shirt that I stole from you.

I... I'm the reason you went to prison.

[ Hits table ]

Then found the lord.

Went to prison and found the lord.

[ Earl narrating ] even though Donny had changed, I was still scared,

'cause no matter who he was now...

[ Laughing ] I got your gun.

I got your gun, dummy. I got your gun.

What are you gonna do? [ Laughing continues ]

[ Earl narrating ] Donny used to be crazy.

[ Whispering ] what would Jesus do?

[ Whispering ] what would you do?

Okay.

- I forgive you. - Really?

Like I said before, Earl, prison changed my life.

I mean, even if you hadn't have done what you did,

I probably would've ended up there anyway.

Cross me off your list.

All right. Thank you.

I will. Thanks, Donny.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go help a prayer buddy in the garage.

When he showed up, I thought he was speaking in tongues, but he's just back on the stuff.

Hey, don't worry. I'll let myself out.

[ Earl narrating ] and there it was...

Thanks to Randy and Catalina's push,

I faced my fears, and everything turned out fine.

Ow! what the hell?

You put my baby in prison for two years!

Take it easy! He forgave me!

Well, maybe he forgave you, but I don't!

[ Screams ] help! Help!

You took my baby away! I'll never get those years back! I should be on your stupid list!

[ Screams ] okay, okay, okay. Okay. I'll put you on.

Took Donny away from his mother for two years.

All right. You're on it. Now what do I have to do to get you off it?

- Get me the two years back. - You know I can't do that.

Aw, I guess you're screwed.

[ Grunts, groans ]

[ Muffled shouting ]

[ Earl narrating ] I know this looks bad, but she refused to come on her own.

Trust me. I have a plan. Hi, Earl.

Hey, crab man. [ Shouting ]

- Joy wanted me to bring you these poison cookies. - Huh?

[ Earl narrating ] Darnell filled me in on the video will...

And joy's intent to kill me.

I wasn't gonna get involved, but now she got me deliverin' poison,

it just don't seem right.

- Thanks, crab man. - No problem, Earl.

[ Muffled shouting ]

Let me out of here right now!

You let me out of here!

Earl, how come you're taping Donny's mom to a chair?

- Ooh, cookies. - Randy, those are poisoned.

Oh, okay.

I'm taping her to the chair because she's gonna quit smoking before it kills her.

- Now, stop kicking. - Something about this feels wrong.

No, it's fine. I'm giving her a push,

just like you guys gave me a push.

[ Horn honking ] I have to do this. You're on my list now.

I took your son away from you for two years,

and the only way I can give you back that time...

Is to give you two more years on this earth.

Randy... those are poison!

- How poison? - Put it down!

Look, I know it's not gonna be easy,

but you're not gonna do it alone.

I'm gonna quit with you.

I know you're scared to give up the smokes.

So am I. We're gonna get through this together.

This is the sweetest, most justified kidnapping I've ever seen.

- How many have you seen? - Five or so.

I'm gonna take the gag out of your mouth now, okay?

So please don't holler. [ Mutters ]

Hel... [ coughing ]

Hel... [ coughing ]

[ Coughing continues ]

Help!

Hel...

[ Gasping ]

[ Earl narrating ] turns out I didn't need the gag.

Forty years of smoking had taken away her ability to scream.

All right, fine. I'll quit.

That's my girl.

[ Earl narrating ] quittin' smoking is a lot like prison.

If you can get through the first three days, you've got a fighting chance.

First we tried the tapes.

[ Man on tape ] i don't want to die.

I don't want to die. I don't want to die.

[ Earl narrating ] then we tried the patches.

Someone told us to try carrot sticks as a substitute,

but we couldn't get the damn things to light.

After some laughter, some tears and a lot of burnt carrots,

together we battled our addiction, and we won.

And even though we started out as strangers, by the end,

I felt like I knew Donny's mom as well as I knew my own.

Thank you, Earl. Thank you... Donny's mom.

[ Earl narrating ] it was hard, but it was worth it.

We gave each other life.

She's gonna get those extra years with her son that she wanted,

and I just might get a few extra years myself.

It's hard to believe we got all that in just three little days.

Unfortunately, there are other things a person can get in three days.

I wrote up a new will, joy. You can kill me, but there ain't no money in it.

[ Sighs ]