All language subtitles for My Name Is Earl - S01xE02 - Quit Smoking

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,235 --> 00:00:04,338 You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things... 2 00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:07,175 And then wonders why his life sucks? 3 00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:11,145 Well, that was me. Every time somethin' good happened to me, 4 00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:13,281 somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner. 5 00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:17,118 Karma. 6 00:00:17,151 --> 00:00:19,220 That's when I realized i had to change. 7 00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:23,424 So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done, 8 00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:26,394 and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes. 9 00:00:26,427 --> 00:00:28,362 I'm just tryin' to be a better person. 10 00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:30,764 My name is Earl. 11 00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,468 The tough thing about having a list... 12 00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:37,138 Of over 200 things you've done wrong to people... 13 00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:40,374 Is choosing which one you're gonna make up for next. 14 00:00:40,408 --> 00:00:42,576 Should I do number 73... 15 00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:45,379 Always took a penny, never left a penny? 16 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:54,793 Count that up and see if I've got any change coming back. 17 00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:58,826 [ Earl narrating ] or should it be number 86... 18 00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:01,395 Stole a car from a one-legged girl? 19 00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:05,499 You said you loved me! 20 00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:07,435 [ Ricochet ] 21 00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:14,384 [ Earl narrating ] or should I tackle one of the many things on the list... 22 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,177 That involve my ex-wife, joy? 23 00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:22,683 I still can't believe that son of a bitch won the lottery right after I divorced him. 24 00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:24,685 Half that money should be mine. 25 00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:26,720 Look at my bicep when I do this. 26 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:29,190 See how it pop out right there on the side? 27 00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:31,259 That's new. 28 00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:33,161 I'm gonna get me that money. 29 00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:41,735 - What's this? - I got you something to help you with your list. 30 00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:44,672 It's a quit smoking tape. Remember number 102... 31 00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:47,441 Harmed and possibly killed people with second-hand smoke. 32 00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:51,879 Oh, yeah. Where'd you get it? It's got jelly on it. 33 00:01:51,912 --> 00:01:55,216 I showed Catalina where the good yard sales are. 34 00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:58,219 I got a foot massager for two dollars. All it needs is a new motor. 35 00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:02,832 [ Earl narrating ] ever since the first time Catalina cleaned our room, 36 00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:06,427 Randy's been making any excuse to spend time with her. 37 00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:10,198 Hey, how much for this tape that helps you quit smoking? 38 00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:12,933 [ Synthesized voice ] forty cents. 39 00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:16,837 - How about 25? - Thirty-five. 40 00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:19,173 - Thirty? - thirty-two. 41 00:02:19,207 --> 00:02:23,311 Deal. hey, say "Luke, I am your father." 42 00:02:23,344 --> 00:02:25,813 Luke, I am your father. 43 00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:28,249 [ Randy ] so, you gonna quit? 44 00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:31,952 Yeah, yeah, I am. I just wanna finish this pack first. I don't wanna be wasteful. 45 00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,588 Number 49 on my list... I've been wasteful. 46 00:02:34,622 --> 00:02:36,857 So what's next on your list? 47 00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:40,461 I don't know. I haven't figured that out yet. Can I pick one? 48 00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:42,930 Yeah. why not? I gotta do 'em all anyway. 49 00:02:42,963 --> 00:02:45,299 How about... [ vocalizing ] 112... 50 00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:47,901 "Let Donny Jones serve jail time for a crime I committed?" 51 00:02:47,935 --> 00:02:50,904 Oh, man. Donny Jones. 52 00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:57,278 [ Earl narrating ] a few years ago, I robbed a doughnut shop. 53 00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:59,780 To be honest, i shouldn't have been out, 54 00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:02,483 because I had a pretty bad cold, and I could've spread it around. 55 00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:07,255 [ Sneezes ] uh-oh. 56 00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:09,923 Fortunately for me, the security camera couldn't see my face, 57 00:03:09,957 --> 00:03:13,861 and I had stolen this shirt from a friend named Donny Jones. 58 00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:16,997 Unfortunately for Donny, he had a checkered past... 59 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:19,400 And no alibi for the night of the robbery. 60 00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:23,003 Number four, step forward. 61 00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:26,774 [ Earl narrating ] and most unfortunate for Donny, he had also caught my cold. 62 00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:29,277 That's him. Number four. 63 00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:30,978 What? 64 00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:36,950 A jury found Donny guilty, and he served two years in prison. 65 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,555 I'm not doing Donny Jones. 66 00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:42,956 Why not? I just don't want to. 67 00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:45,025 I don't even know where he lives. 68 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,995 They got big yellow books to find that stuff out, Earl. 69 00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:50,898 I'll quit smoking, all right? I'll do that one. 70 00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:54,468 Look, I quit smoking. You're scared of Donny Jones. 71 00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:57,505 - I'm not scared of Donny Jones. - Why are you scared of Donny Jones? 72 00:03:57,538 --> 00:03:59,707 I'm not scared of Donny Jones. 73 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,842 [ Earl narrating ] that was a lie. 74 00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:06,580 There aren't a lot of people on this earth that I'm afraid of, but Donny... 75 00:04:06,614 --> 00:04:08,482 Well... 76 00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:15,489 Oh, it is on. 77 00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:18,025 [ Earl narrating ] Donny is crazy. 78 00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:21,662 [ Grunts ] 79 00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:25,466 [ Pounding continues ] 80 00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:27,668 Look, I'd love to take care of Donny, 81 00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:30,371 but I can only do one thing at a time. 82 00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:33,841 I'm gonna focus on quittin' smoking. 83 00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:36,410 [ Earl narrating ] I was gonna focus on quittin' smoking, 84 00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:38,812 but it turns out quittin' smoking is stressful. 85 00:04:38,846 --> 00:04:41,449 And when I stressed out, I smoke. Hey, Earl. 86 00:04:41,482 --> 00:04:44,418 Hey, how's it goin'? 87 00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:46,854 - We found Donny Jones. - What? Why? 88 00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:49,823 It was Catalina's idea. She said you needed a push. 89 00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:53,961 When someone's scared, they need a friend to push them to overcome that fear. 90 00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:57,064 Yeah, you know, like throwing somebody in the ocean who's afraid to swim... 91 00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:59,433 Or puttin' a snake in a young girl's bed. 92 00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:02,703 I don't need a push. I'm not scared, all right? 93 00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,905 I'm occupied. I'm busy quittin' smoking. 94 00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:07,741 We're just trying to help. 95 00:05:07,775 --> 00:05:10,077 [ Men chattering, burping ] 96 00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:12,380 That was there when I got here. 97 00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:19,620 Quittin' is hard, Randy. I didn't smoke for a whole hour, and I started to shake. 98 00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:24,124 My system's used to runnin' on more tar. 99 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,059 [ Sighs ] 100 00:05:28,729 --> 00:05:33,133 [ Earl narrating ] I knew cigarettes could kill me, but so could Donny Jones. 101 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:36,537 Besides, as far as me livin' a long life was concerned, 102 00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,672 I should have been more worried about my ex-wife. 103 00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:54,655 Oh, snap. 104 00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:58,559 Darnell, run down to the video hut and rent me a vcr! 105 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,733 [ Woman ] oh, my god! Aunt Millie's walking! 106 00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:09,770 Look! aunt Millie's walking! It's a miracle! 107 00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:11,772 [ Joy on video ] next time you steal a camera, 108 00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:13,941 have the common sense to steal the directions. 109 00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:15,976 I think I got it on. Oh. 110 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:23,651 [ Joy on video ] I love you, Earl, and I love all this stuff you stole. 111 00:06:23,684 --> 00:06:26,720 [ Earl on video ] I love that you love me and love all this stuff I stole. 112 00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:28,989 I want to document this. 113 00:06:31,492 --> 00:06:36,830 If I ever die, I want this woman right here to have everything I own. 114 00:06:36,864 --> 00:06:38,666 Everything. 115 00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:42,035 Oh, baby, that's so sweet. 116 00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:47,508 What do you think of that? 117 00:06:47,541 --> 00:06:50,578 Rewind it. I wanna see that old lady walk again. 118 00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:52,889 [ Earl narrating ] joy knew that video was the only thing... 119 00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,015 Close to a will that I have. 120 00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:57,951 Normally she's not that violent, but money makes people crazy. 121 00:06:57,985 --> 00:07:00,754 I'll take this. 122 00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:02,856 There's a three-day waiting period for guns. 123 00:07:02,890 --> 00:07:05,659 Land of the free, my ass. 124 00:07:05,693 --> 00:07:08,629 Fine. what can I walk outta here with today that'll kill somebody? 125 00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:12,500 Anything in aisle four. Oh, thank you. 126 00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:15,569 [ Earl narrating ] Randy took Catalina to another yard sale... 127 00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:18,071 To look for a motor for her foot massager, 128 00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:20,908 so I had some time to focus on quittin' smoking. 129 00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:25,245 [ Man on tape ] i am not a smoker. 130 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:28,248 I am not a smoker. 131 00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:31,251 Smoking is bad. 132 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,987 Smokin' is bad. 133 00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:37,124 I don't want to die. 134 00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:39,927 I don't wanna die. 135 00:07:41,862 --> 00:07:44,732 Damn it. 136 00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:48,268 - You, and you alone, are in control... - [ Horn honks ] 137 00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:51,238 Of your destiny. 138 00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:53,206 Shoot. 139 00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:58,912 Hey, I was just listening to your tape. Good stuff. 140 00:07:58,946 --> 00:08:02,215 We got some krazy straws at the yard sale. 141 00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:05,018 Wanna go get some slush puppies? Yeah, why not? 142 00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:08,055 Nice, sugary drink might get my mind off cigarettes. 143 00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:10,624 Man, I hope these straws don't have the flu in them. 144 00:08:10,658 --> 00:08:14,862 [ Burps ] oh, hey, whoa. Where'd that come from? 145 00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:17,565 I haven't smoked all day. 146 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:34,214 Why are we stoppin'? I think we got a flat in the back. 147 00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:36,584 Yeah, I heard it too. 148 00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:40,754 Damn it. I just got those tires five years ago. 149 00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:42,756 What are you doin'? 150 00:08:42,790 --> 00:08:45,993 - That's Donny's house. - What? 151 00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:48,662 It's Donny's house. Face your fears. 152 00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:50,998 [ Horn honking ] 153 00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:57,104 This isn't funny. Open the door, Randy. 154 00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:59,773 It's for your own good, Earl. This is your snake in the bed. 155 00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:01,675 I don't want a snake in my bed. 156 00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:03,811 You can't finish your list if you're scared. 157 00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:05,813 We're doing this because you're our friend. 158 00:09:05,846 --> 00:09:08,315 - Donny! - stop it! Let me in! 159 00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:12,019 [ Horn honks ] 160 00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:18,125 - [ Horn honks ] - Randy, open the door. 161 00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:22,930 Earl? Earl hickey? 162 00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:32,940 Donny Jones! Hey, buddy. 163 00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:36,777 [ Laughs ] we should, uh, catch up sometime. 164 00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:39,012 You know, when I don't have to... 165 00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:41,682 [ Tires screeching ] 166 00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:45,786 Or now. 167 00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:51,635 [ Earl narrating ] have you ever heard the expression "crazy eyes"? 168 00:09:51,659 --> 00:09:54,194 Well, Donny had 'em. Earl hickey. 169 00:09:54,227 --> 00:09:57,197 Donny Jones. You look good. 170 00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:59,900 You look good. Look real good. 171 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:02,002 What are those, new pants? 172 00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:04,705 No. I had 'em a while. 173 00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:08,108 Mmm, they still look new. Nice crease. 174 00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:10,778 I should, uh... I should get me a pair of those. 175 00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:16,950 Hard to find good pants. [ Chuckles ] 176 00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:21,388 So, your brother and that little Mexican lady told me you wanted to talk to me about some list. 177 00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:25,358 Did they now? All right. Good. 178 00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:27,661 Yeah, they can be very helpful. 179 00:10:27,695 --> 00:10:31,164 [ Sighs ] all right, here's the deal, Donny. 180 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:37,204 I'm on, uh, kind of a mission. 181 00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:41,308 Wow, these are long... And sharp, huh? 182 00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:44,311 They're my mom's. She likes to knit. 183 00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:48,849 Good for you, sweetheart. Nice to have a hobby. 184 00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:54,421 Anyway, uh, Donny, 185 00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:57,891 um, I've recently discovered Karma, 186 00:10:57,925 --> 00:11:01,394 and I've written a list of all the bad things I've done in my life, 187 00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:03,897 and I'm trying to make up for 'em. 188 00:11:03,931 --> 00:11:06,266 I think I know what you're gettin' at, Earl. 189 00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:10,738 You do? Yep. 190 00:11:10,771 --> 00:11:14,908 You had an awakening. Same thing happened to me in the joint... 191 00:11:14,942 --> 00:11:17,144 When I found Jesus. 192 00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:21,882 - Wow. - nice, huh? 193 00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:25,719 I also got Moses partin' the red sea on my bottom. You wanna see that? 194 00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:29,156 - No, no. M-maybe later. - Okay. 195 00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:36,029 So, anyway, about a month into my sentence, 196 00:11:36,063 --> 00:11:40,167 I started readin' the Bible, and it really kept me out of trouble. 197 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,269 [ Alarms blaring ] [ Men shouting ] 198 00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:45,906 Hey, hey, we're gonna gang-stomp the guard in the cafeteria. You in? 199 00:11:45,939 --> 00:11:49,076 Sorry. I'm busy stompin' the devil out of my heart. 200 00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:51,945 But thanks for thinking of me. 201 00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:55,515 Ever since I found the lord, i really turned my life around. 202 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:58,051 Prison turned out to be a blessing in disguise. 203 00:11:58,085 --> 00:12:02,956 So... you're not mad that you were mistakenly incarcerated... 204 00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:07,194 For a crime some... Unknown person committed? 205 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:10,097 I didn't Rob that store, Earl, but we both know I was a sinner. 206 00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:14,401 Besides, as the good book says, 207 00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:17,204 forgiveness is the way to salvation. 208 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:19,206 [ Grunts ] [ cushion deflating ] 209 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:22,776 Wow. that's a big Bible. 210 00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:25,278 It's my mom's. Large print. 211 00:12:25,312 --> 00:12:28,381 - Ah. - she refuses to wear her readin' glasses. 212 00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:31,351 [ Whispering ] she thinks they make her look old. 213 00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:37,925 "Do not drink wine when..." 214 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:43,496 "Thou goest into the taber..." 215 00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:48,869 "Nacle of the lord." 216 00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:55,242 So, you're all churched up then, huh? Good for you. 217 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:58,211 Givin' up all that hurtin' people. 218 00:12:58,245 --> 00:13:01,815 I turn the other cheek now. And you got a tattoo of the red sea to prove it. 219 00:13:01,849 --> 00:13:04,184 - Wanna see it now? - Ooh, not... 220 00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,186 I'm still gonna pass on that. 221 00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:08,856 But I do need to tell you something. 222 00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:13,260 Uh, something I did to you that's on my list. 223 00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:16,997 Something that turned out to be good for you but, all the same, 224 00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:19,399 something that was wrong. 225 00:13:22,936 --> 00:13:25,438 I was the one that, uh, robbed that doughnut store. 226 00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:30,944 - What? - it was me, Donny. 227 00:13:30,978 --> 00:13:34,948 I was wearing a... a shirt that I stole from you. 228 00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:37,617 I... I'm the reason you went to prison. 229 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,887 [ Hits table ] 230 00:13:45,525 --> 00:13:48,295 Then found the lord. 231 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,563 Went to prison and found the lord. 232 00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:55,903 [ Earl narrating ] even though Donny had changed, I was still scared, 233 00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:58,371 'cause no matter who he was now... 234 00:13:58,405 --> 00:14:01,474 [ Laughing ] I got your gun. 235 00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:04,011 I got your gun, dummy. I got your gun. 236 00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:06,246 What are you gonna do? [ Laughing continues ] 237 00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:08,048 [ Earl narrating ] Donny used to be crazy. 238 00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,857 [ Whispering ] what would Jesus do? 239 00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:30,470 [ Whispering ] what would you do? 240 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,074 Okay. 241 00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:42,382 - I forgive you. - Really? 242 00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:46,987 Like I said before, Earl, prison changed my life. 243 00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:50,323 I mean, even if you hadn't have done what you did, 244 00:14:50,357 --> 00:14:52,960 I probably would've ended up there anyway. 245 00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:56,096 Cross me off your list. 246 00:14:56,129 --> 00:14:59,299 All right. Thank you. 247 00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:02,502 I will. Thanks, Donny. 248 00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:06,506 Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go help a prayer buddy in the garage. 249 00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:10,643 When he showed up, I thought he was speaking in tongues, but he's just back on the stuff. 250 00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:13,280 Hey, don't worry. I'll let myself out. 251 00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:15,382 [ Earl narrating ] and there it was... 252 00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,684 Thanks to Randy and Catalina's push, 253 00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:20,620 I faced my fears, and everything turned out fine. 254 00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:30,197 Ow! what the hell? 255 00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:32,632 You put my baby in prison for two years! 256 00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:34,601 Take it easy! He forgave me! 257 00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:37,270 Well, maybe he forgave you, but I don't! 258 00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:44,377 [ Screams ] help! Help! 259 00:15:44,411 --> 00:15:49,149 You took my baby away! I'll never get those years back! I should be on your stupid list! 260 00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:53,620 [ Screams ] okay, okay, okay. Okay. I'll put you on. 261 00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:59,292 Took Donny away from his mother for two years. 262 00:15:59,326 --> 00:16:03,396 All right. You're on it. Now what do I have to do to get you off it? 263 00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:06,499 - Get me the two years back. - You know I can't do that. 264 00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:08,735 Aw, I guess you're screwed. 265 00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:12,172 [ Grunts, groans ] 266 00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:46,039 [ Muffled shouting ] 267 00:16:46,073 --> 00:16:49,142 [ Earl narrating ] I know this looks bad, but she refused to come on her own. 268 00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:51,344 Trust me. I have a plan. Hi, Earl. 269 00:16:51,378 --> 00:16:53,346 Hey, crab man. [ Shouting ] 270 00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:57,184 - Joy wanted me to bring you these poison cookies. - Huh? 271 00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:59,752 [ Earl narrating ] Darnell filled me in on the video will... 272 00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:02,089 And joy's intent to kill me. 273 00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:08,195 I wasn't gonna get involved, but now she got me deliverin' poison, 274 00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:10,697 it just don't seem right. 275 00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:14,734 - Thanks, crab man. - No problem, Earl. 276 00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:17,837 [ Muffled shouting ] 277 00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:20,307 Let me out of here right now! 278 00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:23,176 You let me out of here! 279 00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:26,279 Earl, how come you're taping Donny's mom to a chair? 280 00:17:26,313 --> 00:17:29,082 - Ooh, cookies. - Randy, those are poisoned. 281 00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:31,684 Oh, okay. 282 00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:35,288 I'm taping her to the chair because she's gonna quit smoking before it kills her. 283 00:17:35,322 --> 00:17:38,658 - Now, stop kicking. - Something about this feels wrong. 284 00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:41,661 No, it's fine. I'm giving her a push, 285 00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:44,431 just like you guys gave me a push. 286 00:17:44,464 --> 00:17:47,467 [ Horn honking ] I have to do this. You're on my list now. 287 00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:49,769 I took your son away from you for two years, 288 00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:52,439 and the only way I can give you back that time... 289 00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:55,142 Is to give you two more years on this earth. 290 00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:58,811 Randy... those are poison! 291 00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:04,717 - How poison? - Put it down! 292 00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:07,520 Look, I know it's not gonna be easy, 293 00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:09,622 but you're not gonna do it alone. 294 00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:12,292 I'm gonna quit with you. 295 00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:16,496 I know you're scared to give up the smokes. 296 00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:19,832 So am I. We're gonna get through this together. 297 00:18:19,866 --> 00:18:22,735 This is the sweetest, most justified kidnapping I've ever seen. 298 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:25,305 - How many have you seen? - Five or so. 299 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:29,776 I'm gonna take the gag out of your mouth now, okay? 300 00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:31,778 So please don't holler. [ Mutters ] 301 00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:33,880 Hel... [ coughing ] 302 00:18:33,913 --> 00:18:35,915 Hel... [ coughing ] 303 00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:39,319 [ Coughing continues ] 304 00:18:39,352 --> 00:18:41,854 Help! 305 00:18:44,924 --> 00:18:47,627 Hel... 306 00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:50,730 [ Gasping ] 307 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,535 [ Earl narrating ] turns out I didn't need the gag. 308 00:18:55,568 --> 00:18:58,471 Forty years of smoking had taken away her ability to scream. 309 00:18:58,505 --> 00:19:01,441 All right, fine. I'll quit. 310 00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,476 That's my girl. 311 00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:09,682 [ Earl narrating ] quittin' smoking is a lot like prison. 312 00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:12,885 If you can get through the first three days, you've got a fighting chance. 313 00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:21,761 First we tried the tapes. 314 00:19:21,794 --> 00:19:24,431 [ Man on tape ] i don't want to die. 315 00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:27,500 I don't want to die. I don't want to die. 316 00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:31,504 [ Earl narrating ] then we tried the patches. 317 00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:40,347 Someone told us to try carrot sticks as a substitute, 318 00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:42,382 but we couldn't get the damn things to light. 319 00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:56,896 After some laughter, some tears and a lot of burnt carrots, 320 00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:58,931 together we battled our addiction, and we won. 321 00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:14,847 And even though we started out as strangers, by the end, 322 00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:17,917 I felt like I knew Donny's mom as well as I knew my own. 323 00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:22,422 Thank you, Earl. Thank you... Donny's mom. 324 00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:33,300 [ Earl narrating ] it was hard, but it was worth it. 325 00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:35,702 We gave each other life. 326 00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:39,372 She's gonna get those extra years with her son that she wanted, 327 00:20:39,406 --> 00:20:41,841 and I just might get a few extra years myself. 328 00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:44,577 It's hard to believe we got all that in just three little days. 329 00:20:49,015 --> 00:20:52,619 Unfortunately, there are other things a person can get in three days. 330 00:20:54,854 --> 00:20:59,526 I wrote up a new will, joy. You can kill me, but there ain't no money in it. 331 00:20:59,559 --> 00:21:01,461 [ Sighs ] 26710

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