All language subtitles for My Name Is Earl - S01xE01 - Pilot

[ Earl Narrating ] You know that guy you
see going into the convenience store...

when you stop off in that little
town on the way to Grandma's house?

Sort of shifty lookin' fella who buys a pack
of smokes, a couple lotto scratchers...

and a tallboy
at 10:00 in the mornin'?

The kind of guy you wait to come out
before you and your family go in?

Well, that guy's me.

My name is Earl.

And if you took the time
to really get to know me,

find out what kind of person I truly
am instead of just stereotypin' me...

because of the way I look, well,
you'd be wasting your time.

Because I'm exactly
who you think I am.

Hell, I'll pretty much steal
anything that isn't nailed down.

About six years ago, I was out drinkin'
when I met this little firecracker.

You got great boobs, Peggy.

Her name was not Peggy.
My name is Joy.

You got great boobs, Joy.

She kept buyin' me drinks, and later
that night she drove us to Vegas.

By the time I sobered up,
we were married.

[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

The next mornin' I was recuperating
from being a little... over-served.

Morning, Hubby. [ Moans ]

Hell, when I was drinking, I just
thought she had a bit of a belly.

Some people might think gettin' so drunk
you accidentally marry a woman...

that's six months pregnant is a
good reason to stop drinkin'.

Personally, I think it's
a good reason to keep drinkin'.

Joy didn't remember much about the boy's
real father, except that he drove a Ford.

So, we named him Dodge.

A few years later, we were having our
first child from my own personal seed.

[ Screaming ] The doctors already
told us he was gonna come out a boy,

so we went ahead and named him.

There he was.

Earl Jr.

[ Boys Shouting ]

People ask me how I can stay with a cheatin'
wife and two horrible kids that aren't mine.

I guess I just believe
in the sanctity of marriage.

Besides, I'm sure just as many people
ask her why she hasn't thrown out...

her good-for-nothing husband and his
brother who lives on their couch.

That's Randy, the best brother
anyone could ever ask for.

That's Darnell.
He's always hooking us up...

with bowls full of stuff he's not legally
allowed to put in the crab cakes.

- Thanks, Crab Man.
- No problem, Earl.

Thank you, Darnell.
Anytime, Joy.

Randy and I love the free crabmeat, and for
some reason, Joy loved comin' here too.

And if we were lucky,
Wanda would push B-7.

Oh, no, she didn't.

Wanda, don't tell me
you pushed B-7.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Anyway, that was our life.

It wasn't glamorous or nothin',
but it was regular enough.

At least it was regular enough
until three weeks ago.

Son of a bitch.

Son of a bitch! Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo!

I'm rich! $100,000, sucker!

[ Grunts ] [ Screaming ]

[ Tires Screeching ]
[ Car Departs ]

That was the happiest
10 seconds of my life.

As soon as I was conscious, Randy
went back to look for my scratcher.

[ Car Horns Honking ] But I
knew he wouldn't find it.

I would have been more upset
if I wasn't so doped up.

Hey, baby. Hey there. Sign these next
to the sticky little yellow things.

Okeydokey.

Earl J. Hickey.

- Hey, Crab Man.
- Hey, Earl.

Darnell's parents threw him out for growing
weed in his closet, so he's moving in.

- We're thinkin' about gettin' married.
- But we're married.

Not anymore we're not.
Thank you for the trailer.

Trust me, Earl, this is gonna be
better for everybody involved.

Earl Jr. really should be with his daddy.
Feel better now, okay.

Now, I've never been much of a complainer,
but lyin' in traction that night,

knowing that I no longer
had a home,

no longer had a wife...

and no longer had
a $100,000 lottery ticket,

well, I think I might have cried if I wasn't
afraid of Randy waking up and seeing me.

Then it happened. I was just
flipping the channels...

and... he came on.

Forget about me. I wanna know about you.
I wanna know about Carson Daly.

Every time I see you, you got a
beautiful woman on your arm.

You got a talk show, you got
your own record company.

What's your secret? Well, if
you must know, uh, I'm Satan.

[ Laughs ] I don't know.

Seriously, I, uh...
I've been very blessed.

I also believe that
what goes around comes around.

And that's how I try
and live my life.

You do good things
and good things happen to you.

You do bad things, and it'll come
back to haunt you. It's karma.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Karma. There it was.

The secret of life coming straight from
Carson Daly's lips to my morphine-laced ears.

When they finally released me from the
hospital, we checked into a motel.

It didn't take Randy long to make
friends with the help. It never does.

How long is your break,
Catalina?

The manager went
to the dog track.

I'm on my own schedule
for the afternoon.

Do good things and
good things happen to you.

Do bad things and it'll
come back to haunt you.

That's deep, Earl.

- I'm talkin' about karma.
- Who's Karma?

I don't know. Something
Carson Daly came up with.

He says he does good things in life
and that's why his life is so great.

Got me thinkin'. My life sucks,

and I ain't ever done
anything good I can think of.

Who is this Carson Daly? Is he
some sort of spiritual leader?

A holy man?

If I want a better life,
I need to be a better person.

- What's this?
- I made a list of everything bad I've ever done.

Why? Why?

Randy, I just won $100,000 in the lottery,
and was immediately hit by a car.

I almost died because somethin' good
happened to me that I didn't deserve.

That karma stuff is gonna kill me unless
I make up for everything on that list.

"Number 23...
Peed in the back of a cop car."

I'm no longer proud of that.

"Number 41... snatched
a kid's Halloween candy...

when he came to my trailer
to trick or treat."

That was wrong,
and I know that now.

"Number 102... harmed
and possibly killed...

innocent people
with secondhand smoke."

How in the world are you gonna
fix these things, Earl?

I don't know.
Start with the easy ones.

Like, um, number 64...

"Picked on Kenny James."

I used to torment the hell out of that
poor boy back in elementary school.

What do you think you're gonna do
about it now? I don't know. Find him.

- Do something nice for him, and then cross him off the list.
- Excuse me.

But if my boss comes back and sees
there's no garbage in the parking lot,

he's gonna get used to it
like that.

- So could you please put it back?
- No, I can't.

Number 136...
I've been a litterbug.

Well, here. Cross that one
off your stupid list.

I can't cross it off the list. Not until
I've picked up as much as I littered.

And my list isn't stupid either.
It's my road map to a better life.

Well, I hope that road has
free gas and free food...

and a van big enough
for us to sleep in,

'cause we've just spent
our last $45 on this room.

And I'm not cuttin' into my beer
money for some stupid-ass crusade.

Son of a bitch. It's workin'.

[ Earl Narrating ] When I went over to the
lottery office, they sure made a big fuss.

I wanted to get started on my list as soon as
possible, so my life would start gettin' better.

Hell, it was already better.

Our new friend Catalina had
the day off and nothin' to do,

so Randy and I had
somethin' pretty to look at.

Plus, I finally had enough money to buy
somethin' I've always wanted for my car.

[ Car Alarm Beeps ] - Which house
belongs to this boy you tortured?

That's his parents' house
right over there.

We don't know where Kenny lives
now, but Randy'll find out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's four.

- I'm still thirsty.
- Look, you had four.

You can have another one when
you come out. Go on now.

- So, why aren't you going in?
- I get nervous when I lie.

Randy's a pro, so long as he's got
the right number of beers in him.

Four seems to be
the magic number.

Anymore and he starts to get
a little bit... unpredictable.

So, are you visiting all of
Kenny's classmates' parents?

Only the ones
we've lost contact with.

You see, as class president, it's
my duty to organize the reunion,

and I'd hate for anyone
to miss out on all the fun.

You know, what with all that catching
up and them little appetizers and all.

Oh, isn't that sweet? Can
I get you a beer, son?

I would love a beer. Thank you.

[ Sirens Approaching ]

In case you're wondering how many beers it
takes for Randy to get himself into trouble,

nine seems to be
the magic number.

Luckily, he got Kenny's address
before he pissed off Mr. James.

I think I have Kenny's yearbook
in here somewhere.

Dibs.

At first we had a little
trouble finding Kenny's house.

You see, Randy wrote the address on his hand, and
sweated off the last digit during his getaway.

But eventually we found it.

There he is. Kenny James.

Man, I got a weird feelin'
in my stomach.

It's probably just guilt.

[ Earl Narrating ] She was probably right.
I wasn't proud of the way I treated Kenny.

- [ Children Shouting ]
- Hey, Kenny!

I bet you strike out
again, you dork!

That's enough, Earl!

Just ignore him, Kenny,
and try your best.

[ Children Shouting ]

[ Groans, Whimpers ]

You're out!

I watched Kenny
for a few days...

and tried to figure out how to make up
for all the abuse I put him through.

Kenny had a good job as an
assistant manager at the Copy Hut,

a powder blue Le Car
he took pride in...

and the nicest house
on the block.

But he didn't have anyone to share it with.
He was lonely.

There was something special missin' in his
life that every man needs to feel whole.

I gotta get him laid.

- What?
- Kenny. I made him feel bad his whole childhood.

If I wanna cross him off my list,
I gotta make him feel good.

A little pleasure to make up
for all that pain.

What kind of woman are you gonna get to have
sex with a scrawny little man like that?

Yeah. You need muscles
to get laid.

Not with Patty you don't.

Patty wasn't your
run-of-the-mill prostitute.

She was a daytime hooker.

It takes a special kind of woman to
sell sexual favors in the light of day.

[ Knocking ]

Hello. Hey, sweetie.
I'm from Greenpeace.

I need to talk to you about the
sky and whales and all that crap.

You got anything
to drink in here?

I knew we wouldn't have
to wait too long

before Patty came back out.

She doesn't charge that much.

So, she makes
her money in turnover.

- How'd it go?
- He gave me $10 to help baby monkeys.

How was the sex? You got anything
in the tank left over for me?

We didn't do it.

Damn it, Patty. I'm on a schedule here.
Come on, Randy.

I tried, Earl. I did. Towards the
end I even pulled out my good boob.

You think he's
gonna remember you?

- [ Whimpers ]
- Yeah, I think he remembers me.

[ Beeping ]

- Kenny, calm down.
- I have a restraining order against you, Earl Hickey.

But that was written on a brown paper
bag by the school nurse 20 years ago.

Yeah, well, just take
what you want and leave.

All I wanna do is talk.

Listen, Kenny.
I'm here to help you.

I don't need your help.

Buddy, you just gave up a chance to
have free sex with a daytime hooker.

- You need my help.
- Earl?

- Not now, Randy.
- Shut that drawer!

Kenny, I'm here to help you find a
woman so that you can be happy.

Earl, I think you're tryin' to sell
a cat to a man who fancies dogs.

[ Earl Narrating ] I know this might
sound crazy in this day and age,

but we live in a small town, and I've never
been face-to-face with a gay before.

I understand now the runnin'
probably wasn't necessary.

That's it. Kenny's off the list.
Good.

Isn't that against the rules? Look, I made
the list. That means I make the rules.

The guy was gay. Gay.
That's special circumstances.

I don't have to help if
there's special circumstances.

Here. Get us a couple of
cheeseburgers from the machine.

Okay. So, what's next?

Number 86... stole a car
from a one-legged girl.

What happened here?

Ow! Damn, girl!
Have you lost your mind?

- Who's the whore?
- What did you just call me?

- She's the maid. Relax.
- Did you think I wasn't gonna find out?

Damn. Look at that.
My eyes are closed.

I want half
that lotto money, Earl.

I wanted a legitimate baby and a wife
who didn't huff paint on Thanksgivin',

but I guess life's full of little
disappointments, now ain't it?

They only had one Mello Yello left.
You wanna wrestle for it?

[ Groans ]

That's it! Gimme the damn phone!

I'm gonna get that money, Earl!
I want it.

[ Catalina ] That's your ex-wife?
Yep.

As crazy as she is, I'd be lyin'
if I said I wasn't gonna miss her.

[ Grunts ] [ Alarm Beeping ]

[ Alarm Beeps, Stops ]

- Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Crab Man.

What happened?

Karma. Karma happened.

[ Earl Narrating ] And I believed it too.
Think about it.

As soon as I decided
not to help Kenny,

Joy broke into my room
and beat me up with a phone.

That's when I realized
I have to stick to the plan.

There are
no special circumstances.

I may have made the list,
but I do not make the rules.

Karma makes the rules.

The one-legged girl would have to wait.
Kenny had to be first.

Stay away. I bought Mace. I just
want to talk, Kenny. Relax.

[ Screaming ] Ow!

Kenny?

Hey, Kenny.
How's it feelin' now?

Better, yeah. Thanks for
pinning me down on the ground,

prying my eyes open
and pouring the milk in.

- I think that helped a lot.
- You steal enough purses, you learn a few things about Mace.

Mm-hmm.

Why... [ Clears Throat ]

God, wow. That's... [ Chuckles ]

Why don't you have a man, Kenny?

What?

If you like... men,

why don't you, uh, have a man?

That's none of your business.

No, it's not. I know that.

Trust me, I don't really wanna know.
It's just you seem lonely.

And I gotta figure out how I'm gonna
help you so I can cross you off my list.

What list?

You're number 64.
But don't let that fool you.

I'm doin' you first.

You see, Kenny, my life sucks.

And it's because
I've been a bad person.

I'm hopin' if I can
do some good things,

then maybe some good things
might finally happen to me.

You're talking about karma.

You're a Carson Daly
fan too, huh?

Yeah, I'm talkin' about karma.

You're really trying to change?

If I don't, I think
life's gonna kill me.

I don't have a man because...
nobody knows I'm gay.

You know what this town
is like, Earl.

Besides, even if people knew,
where am I gonna meet anyone?

What about the city? Don't they
have special bars for the queers?

I'm sorry.
Uh, Homosexual-Americans.

I tried that once.

I drove an hour and a half just to sit out
front in my car, too scared to go in.

[ Clears Throat ]

What if I went with you?
[ Grunts ]

- What?
- Maybe you won't be scared if you're not alone.

Earl Hickey is going
to take me to a gay bar?

I don't have a choice, Kenny.

[ Men Chattering ]

[ Earl Narrating ] I didn't wanna
be the only non-gay there,

so luckily, Randy agreed to go as soon
as he heard there were gonna be bubbles.

You like that one?

Uh, I don't... I don't know.
He's cute, I guess.

All right. I'll go talk to him.

You wanna be the man
or the woman?

Wait. You're just gonna
go over there and talk to him?

Yeah. He's gay, but he ain't gonna bite me.
He ain't gonna bite me, is he?

Look, maybe I should do this myself.
I can't let you do that.

I gotta be the one to help you if
I wanna cross you off my list.

Wait, wait, wait.
You have helped me.

Look, my whole life I've been
scared to be who I really am...

because of what people
might think.

But then Earl Hickey
brought me to a gay bar.

Earl Hickey went to Express for
Men and bought me a shirt.

Earl Hickey, the one man I was the
most scared of in my whole life,

has accepted me as I am.

Look, when we were kids,
you took away my confidence.

But today you gave it back.
Thanks, Earl.

You can cross me off your list.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And there you have it.

Never underestimate
the power of confidence.

It's midnight, boys. And that means
it's time to take it old school.

Oh, no, you didn't. Tell me you
didn't just go old school!

[ Earl Narrating ] And never
underestimate 15 beers,

a little enlightenment...

and the power of
Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock.

Well, one down, 258 to go.