Original subtitles

[ Earl Narrating ] You know that guy you see going into the convenience store...

when you stop off in that little town on the way to Grandma's house?

Sort of shifty lookin' fella who buys a pack of smokes, a couple lotto scratchers...

and a tallboy at 10:00 in the mornin'?

The kind of guy you wait to come out before you and your family go in?

Well, that guy's me.

My name is Earl.

And if you took the time to really get to know me,

find out what kind of person I truly am instead of just stereotypin' me...

because of the way I look, well, you'd be wasting your time.

Because I'm exactly who you think I am.

Hell, I'll pretty much steal anything that isn't nailed down.

About six years ago, I was out drinkin' when I met this little firecracker.

You got great boobs, Peggy.

Her name was not Peggy. My name is Joy.

You got great boobs, Joy.

She kept buyin' me drinks, and later that night she drove us to Vegas.

By the time I sobered up, we were married.

[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

The next mornin' I was recuperating from being a little... over-served.

Morning, Hubby. [ Moans ]

Hell, when I was drinking, I just thought she had a bit of a belly.

Some people might think gettin' so drunk you accidentally marry a woman...

that's six months pregnant is a good reason to stop drinkin'.

Personally, I think it's a good reason to keep drinkin'.

Joy didn't remember much about the boy's real father, except that he drove a Ford.

So, we named him Dodge.

A few years later, we were having our first child from my own personal seed.

[ Screaming ] The doctors already told us he was gonna come out a boy,

so we went ahead and named him.

There he was.

Earl Jr.

[ Boys Shouting ]

People ask me how I can stay with a cheatin' wife and two horrible kids that aren't mine.

I guess I just believe in the sanctity of marriage.

Besides, I'm sure just as many people ask her why she hasn't thrown out...

her good-for-nothing husband and his brother who lives on their couch.

That's Randy, the best brother anyone could ever ask for.

That's Darnell. He's always hooking us up...

with bowls full of stuff he's not legally allowed to put in the crab cakes.

- Thanks, Crab Man. - No problem, Earl.

Thank you, Darnell. Anytime, Joy.

Randy and I love the free crabmeat, and for some reason, Joy loved comin' here too.

And if we were lucky, Wanda would push B-7.

Oh, no, she didn't.

Wanda, don't tell me you pushed B-7.

[ Earl Narrating ] Anyway, that was our life.

It wasn't glamorous or nothin', but it was regular enough.

At least it was regular enough until three weeks ago.

Son of a bitch.

Son of a bitch! Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo!

I'm rich! $100,000, sucker!

[ Grunts ] [ Screaming ]

[ Tires Screeching ] [ Car Departs ]

That was the happiest 10 seconds of my life.

As soon as I was conscious, Randy went back to look for my scratcher.

[ Car Horns Honking ] But I knew he wouldn't find it.

I would have been more upset if I wasn't so doped up.

Hey, baby. Hey there. Sign these next to the sticky little yellow things.

Okeydokey.

Earl J. Hickey.

- Hey, Crab Man. - Hey, Earl.

Darnell's parents threw him out for growing weed in his closet, so he's moving in.

- We're thinkin' about gettin' married. - But we're married.

Not anymore we're not. Thank you for the trailer.

Trust me, Earl, this is gonna be better for everybody involved.

Earl Jr. really should be with his daddy. Feel better now, okay.

Now, I've never been much of a complainer, but lyin' in traction that night,

knowing that I no longer had a home,

no longer had a wife...

and no longer had a $100,000 lottery ticket,

well, I think I might have cried if I wasn't afraid of Randy waking up and seeing me.

Then it happened. I was just flipping the channels...

and... he came on.

Forget about me. I wanna know about you. I wanna know about Carson Daly.

Every time I see you, you got a beautiful woman on your arm.

You got a talk show, you got your own record company.

What's your secret? Well, if you must know, uh, I'm Satan.

[ Laughs ] I don't know.

Seriously, I, uh... I've been very blessed.

I also believe that what goes around comes around.

And that's how I try and live my life.

You do good things and good things happen to you.

You do bad things, and it'll come back to haunt you. It's karma.

[ Earl Narrating ] Karma. There it was.

The secret of life coming straight from Carson Daly's lips to my morphine-laced ears.

When they finally released me from the hospital, we checked into a motel.

It didn't take Randy long to make friends with the help. It never does.

How long is your break, Catalina?

The manager went to the dog track.

I'm on my own schedule for the afternoon.

Do good things and good things happen to you.

Do bad things and it'll come back to haunt you.

That's deep, Earl.

- I'm talkin' about karma. - Who's Karma?

I don't know. Something Carson Daly came up with.

He says he does good things in life and that's why his life is so great.

Got me thinkin'. My life sucks,

and I ain't ever done anything good I can think of.

Who is this Carson Daly? Is he some sort of spiritual leader?

A holy man?

If I want a better life, I need to be a better person.

- What's this? - I made a list of everything bad I've ever done.

Why? Why?

Randy, I just won $100,000 in the lottery, and was immediately hit by a car.

I almost died because somethin' good happened to me that I didn't deserve.

That karma stuff is gonna kill me unless I make up for everything on that list.

"Number 23... Peed in the back of a cop car."

I'm no longer proud of that.

"Number 41... snatched a kid's Halloween candy...

when he came to my trailer to trick or treat."

That was wrong, and I know that now.

"Number 102... harmed and possibly killed...

innocent people with secondhand smoke."

How in the world are you gonna fix these things, Earl?

I don't know. Start with the easy ones.

Like, um, number 64...

"Picked on Kenny James."

I used to torment the hell out of that poor boy back in elementary school.

What do you think you're gonna do about it now? I don't know. Find him.

- Do something nice for him, and then cross him off the list. - Excuse me.

But if my boss comes back and sees there's no garbage in the parking lot,

he's gonna get used to it like that.

- So could you please put it back? - No, I can't.

Number 136... I've been a litterbug.

Well, here. Cross that one off your stupid list.

I can't cross it off the list. Not until I've picked up as much as I littered.

And my list isn't stupid either. It's my road map to a better life.

Well, I hope that road has free gas and free food...

and a van big enough for us to sleep in,

'cause we've just spent our last $45 on this room.

And I'm not cuttin' into my beer money for some stupid-ass crusade.

Son of a bitch. It's workin'.

[ Earl Narrating ] When I went over to the lottery office, they sure made a big fuss.

I wanted to get started on my list as soon as possible, so my life would start gettin' better.

Hell, it was already better.

Our new friend Catalina had the day off and nothin' to do,

so Randy and I had somethin' pretty to look at.

Plus, I finally had enough money to buy somethin' I've always wanted for my car.

[ Car Alarm Beeps ] - Which house belongs to this boy you tortured?

That's his parents' house right over there.

We don't know where Kenny lives now, but Randy'll find out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's four.

- I'm still thirsty. - Look, you had four.

You can have another one when you come out. Go on now.

- So, why aren't you going in? - I get nervous when I lie.

Randy's a pro, so long as he's got the right number of beers in him.

Four seems to be the magic number.

Anymore and he starts to get a little bit... unpredictable.

So, are you visiting all of Kenny's classmates' parents?

Only the ones we've lost contact with.

You see, as class president, it's my duty to organize the reunion,

and I'd hate for anyone to miss out on all the fun.

You know, what with all that catching up and them little appetizers and all.

Oh, isn't that sweet? Can I get you a beer, son?

I would love a beer. Thank you.

[ Sirens Approaching ]

In case you're wondering how many beers it takes for Randy to get himself into trouble,

nine seems to be the magic number.

Luckily, he got Kenny's address before he pissed off Mr. James.

I think I have Kenny's yearbook in here somewhere.

Dibs.

At first we had a little trouble finding Kenny's house.

You see, Randy wrote the address on his hand, and sweated off the last digit during his getaway.

But eventually we found it.

There he is. Kenny James.

Man, I got a weird feelin' in my stomach.

It's probably just guilt.

[ Earl Narrating ] She was probably right. I wasn't proud of the way I treated Kenny.

- [ Children Shouting ] - Hey, Kenny!

I bet you strike out again, you dork!

That's enough, Earl!

Just ignore him, Kenny, and try your best.

[ Children Shouting ]

[ Groans, Whimpers ]

You're out!

I watched Kenny for a few days...

and tried to figure out how to make up for all the abuse I put him through.

Kenny had a good job as an assistant manager at the Copy Hut,

a powder blue Le Car he took pride in...

and the nicest house on the block.

But he didn't have anyone to share it with. He was lonely.

There was something special missin' in his life that every man needs to feel whole.

I gotta get him laid.

- What? - Kenny. I made him feel bad his whole childhood.

If I wanna cross him off my list, I gotta make him feel good.

A little pleasure to make up for all that pain.

What kind of woman are you gonna get to have sex with a scrawny little man like that?

Yeah. You need muscles to get laid.

Not with Patty you don't.

Patty wasn't your run-of-the-mill prostitute.

She was a daytime hooker.

It takes a special kind of woman to sell sexual favors in the light of day.

[ Knocking ]

Hello. Hey, sweetie. I'm from Greenpeace.

I need to talk to you about the sky and whales and all that crap.

You got anything to drink in here?

I knew we wouldn't have to wait too long

before Patty came back out.

She doesn't charge that much.

So, she makes her money in turnover.

- How'd it go? - He gave me $10 to help baby monkeys.

How was the sex? You got anything in the tank left over for me?

We didn't do it.

Damn it, Patty. I'm on a schedule here. Come on, Randy.

I tried, Earl. I did. Towards the end I even pulled out my good boob.

You think he's gonna remember you?

- [ Whimpers ] - Yeah, I think he remembers me.

[ Beeping ]

- Kenny, calm down. - I have a restraining order against you, Earl Hickey.

But that was written on a brown paper bag by the school nurse 20 years ago.

Yeah, well, just take what you want and leave.

All I wanna do is talk.

Listen, Kenny. I'm here to help you.

I don't need your help.

Buddy, you just gave up a chance to have free sex with a daytime hooker.

- You need my help. - Earl?

- Not now, Randy. - Shut that drawer!

Kenny, I'm here to help you find a woman so that you can be happy.

Earl, I think you're tryin' to sell a cat to a man who fancies dogs.

[ Earl Narrating ] I know this might sound crazy in this day and age,

but we live in a small town, and I've never been face-to-face with a gay before.

I understand now the runnin' probably wasn't necessary.

That's it. Kenny's off the list. Good.

Isn't that against the rules? Look, I made the list. That means I make the rules.

The guy was gay. Gay. That's special circumstances.

I don't have to help if there's special circumstances.

Here. Get us a couple of cheeseburgers from the machine.

Okay. So, what's next?

Number 86... stole a car from a one-legged girl.

What happened here?

Ow! Damn, girl! Have you lost your mind?

- Who's the whore? - What did you just call me?

- She's the maid. Relax. - Did you think I wasn't gonna find out?

Damn. Look at that. My eyes are closed.

I want half that lotto money, Earl.

I wanted a legitimate baby and a wife who didn't huff paint on Thanksgivin',

but I guess life's full of little disappointments, now ain't it?

They only had one Mello Yello left. You wanna wrestle for it?

[ Groans ]

That's it! Gimme the damn phone!

I'm gonna get that money, Earl! I want it.

[ Catalina ] That's your ex-wife? Yep.

As crazy as she is, I'd be lyin' if I said I wasn't gonna miss her.

[ Grunts ] [ Alarm Beeping ]

[ Alarm Beeps, Stops ]

- Hey, Earl. - Hey, Crab Man.

What happened?

Karma. Karma happened.

[ Earl Narrating ] And I believed it too. Think about it.

As soon as I decided not to help Kenny,

Joy broke into my room and beat me up with a phone.

That's when I realized I have to stick to the plan.

There are no special circumstances.

I may have made the list, but I do not make the rules.

Karma makes the rules.

The one-legged girl would have to wait. Kenny had to be first.

Stay away. I bought Mace. I just want to talk, Kenny. Relax.

[ Screaming ] Ow!

Kenny?

Hey, Kenny. How's it feelin' now?

Better, yeah. Thanks for pinning me down on the ground,

prying my eyes open and pouring the milk in.

- I think that helped a lot. - You steal enough purses, you learn a few things about Mace.

Mm-hmm.

Why... [ Clears Throat ]

God, wow. That's... [ Chuckles ]

Why don't you have a man, Kenny?

What?

If you like... men,

why don't you, uh, have a man?

That's none of your business.

No, it's not. I know that.

Trust me, I don't really wanna know. It's just you seem lonely.

And I gotta figure out how I'm gonna help you so I can cross you off my list.

What list?

You're number 64. But don't let that fool you.

I'm doin' you first.

You see, Kenny, my life sucks.

And it's because I've been a bad person.

I'm hopin' if I can do some good things,

then maybe some good things might finally happen to me.

You're talking about karma.

You're a Carson Daly fan too, huh?

Yeah, I'm talkin' about karma.

You're really trying to change?

If I don't, I think life's gonna kill me.

I don't have a man because... nobody knows I'm gay.

You know what this town is like, Earl.

Besides, even if people knew, where am I gonna meet anyone?

What about the city? Don't they have special bars for the queers?

I'm sorry. Uh, Homosexual-Americans.

I tried that once.

I drove an hour and a half just to sit out front in my car, too scared to go in.

[ Clears Throat ]

What if I went with you? [ Grunts ]

- What? - Maybe you won't be scared if you're not alone.

Earl Hickey is going to take me to a gay bar?

I don't have a choice, Kenny.

[ Men Chattering ]

[ Earl Narrating ] I didn't wanna be the only non-gay there,

so luckily, Randy agreed to go as soon as he heard there were gonna be bubbles.

You like that one?

Uh, I don't... I don't know. He's cute, I guess.

All right. I'll go talk to him.

You wanna be the man or the woman?

Wait. You're just gonna go over there and talk to him?

Yeah. He's gay, but he ain't gonna bite me. He ain't gonna bite me, is he?

Look, maybe I should do this myself. I can't let you do that.

I gotta be the one to help you if I wanna cross you off my list.

Wait, wait, wait. You have helped me.

Look, my whole life I've been scared to be who I really am...

because of what people might think.

But then Earl Hickey brought me to a gay bar.

Earl Hickey went to Express for Men and bought me a shirt.

Earl Hickey, the one man I was the most scared of in my whole life,

has accepted me as I am.

Look, when we were kids, you took away my confidence.

But today you gave it back. Thanks, Earl.

You can cross me off your list.

[ Earl Narrating ] And there you have it.

Never underestimate the power of confidence.

It's midnight, boys. And that means it's time to take it old school.

Oh, no, you didn't. Tell me you didn't just go old school!

[ Earl Narrating ] And never underestimate 15 beers,

a little enlightenment...

and the power of Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock.

Well, one down, 258 to go.