Original subtitles

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IN

THE SECOND ACT

Your plan's weird.

My plan?

How many favors have I done you?

Yeah, you're a real friend. No question about it.

You shouldn't hesitate.

Look, in principle, I'm up for it.

I just need to know a bit more before I take the plunge.

What's the catch?

Why would there be a catch?

I'm not stupid, there must be.

Willy, I promise there isn't.

- Come off it. - There isn't!

Is she ugly or what?

You haven't been listening to me.

She's gorgeous.

She's beautiful. She's got a great body.

Why be so suspicious?

Because something's not right.

A gorgeous girl is after you.

OK, that's credible.

And instead of you getting her,

you want me to step in?

Yeah, it's crystal clear.

No, it's clear as mud.

Willy, you'll wear me out.

There's something fishy about all this.

Tell me the truth. Spit it out. What is it?

There's no catch.

There's nothing fishy.

You're paranoid.

I'm not.

I know you. There must be some funny business.

Spill the beans.

Is she trans or something?

What nonsense!

Where do you get it from? I'd tell you.

And what difference would it make?

It would make a huge difference.

We're not the same on that score.

You play for both teams. I'm tolerant, OK...

But if she's a guy in drag, I couldn't look her in the eye.

It disgusts me.

Don't say that, you fool!

I'm just saying.

You can't say that.

Why not?

Because we're not alone. We're being filmed.

Yeah, shit, sorry.

Sorry, I didn't mean to say that.

Forgive me.

I meant to say...

- I'll rephrase it. - Yeah, rephrase it.

So, if the woman you want me to meet was a man...

No, that's wrong. "If the woman were."

I'm not educated like you!

- Go on. - Cut it out!

- So? - If this woman were a man...

Yes.

I couldn't...

How can I put it?

...do the deed with her, or him,

simply because my sexual orientation

unfortunately doesn't allow me to.

Despite all my respect for those people,

their difference is no problem to me.

You're so heavy-handed. Never mind...

I took out the idea of disgust.

Yeah, we heard.

I swear I didn't mean it.

Stop it, you're making it worse.

I promise they don't disgust me.

It's just that in my world...

I know we don't all live in the same world,

but in my world...

a woman can't...

How can I put it? ...have...

external genitals. No way!

Stop! Please!

It's just that I can't imagine that in my head.

It's like science fiction.

If I imagine a woman

with male genitals,

my brain just cuts out.

Stop it! No-one cares about your brain.

I'm just saying.

Move on. You're making me nervous.

We're straying here. Get on with it.

I'm just explaining.

Sorry.

So...

Florence isn't a trans woman.

She was born a woman.

And she's very pretty.

OK.

I believe you.

Good.

Can I ask you a simple question, buddy, in that case?

What do you want to know?

If your girlfriend's that hot,

why have me nail her instead of you?

You don't listen to a word I say.

I can't!

What do you mean?

I can't nail her!

I can't. Should I say it in Italian?

I just can't.

So, you, the great seducer,

the jackhammer who screws 'em all year long,

you want me to believe you can't service a pretty woman.

No, I can't. It's physical.

So, it's physical. So, I was right, she's ugly.

- No, dammit! - It's logical.

Is she in a wheelchair? Don't tell me she's disabled!

Enough with this embarrassing shit!

- Fuck! - What?

Do you want to get us canceled?

Don't say whatever comes into your head!

You'll get us into deep shit.

Behave and say your lines.

Stick to your lines.

I didn't criticize the disabled. I just used the word.

It's not a crime. Hang loose.

No, that's just it!

There's absolutely no way I can hang loose!

Willy, you can't mess with such sensitive issues.

Forget it, OK?

Talk about it when you go out drinking, but not here!

I want to keep working. It's not just about you.

Do you hear yourself? "I want to keep working."

Because I say the word "disabled", you're scared you'll lose your job?

- I don't care... - That's not right.

There are things you can't say! I don't make the rules.

OK.

- Wanna do this now? - No.

OK, stick to your lines.

Keep going.

Mel Gibson got lynched by the media for just mentioning the Jews.

- Are you doing it on purpose? - Well, it's interesting.

Yeah, very interesting, but we have a scene to do.

We don't have time. Not now, Willy.

Keep going.

I'll stop talking since it bothers you.

I'll suck it up, but still... So, let's keep going.

So, what was the line?

We were talking about the fact that I can't sleep with Florence.

Yeah, you said it was physical.

I'm not attracted to her at all, do you understand?

She's gorgeous, but it won't work!

So, it's not physical - it's chemical.

Yeah, if you like, it's chemical.

I don't like her smell,

her hands,

or her voice. Nothing about her!

It just doesn't work.

So, you can tell me that.

I can understand that. She's pretty, but she doesn't attract you.

Exactly. That only took you an hour!

So, why all the hassle?

Why not tell her it won't work and send her packing?

Why get me involved?

'Cause she keeps insisting.

I've turned her down for 2 months!

She won't leave me alone, it's hell!

So, she's crazy?

No!

I guess she has a crush on me.

She calls me and texts me non-stop.

Just take her mind off me.

If she's in love, I'm not equipped to win her over.

Come off it, Willy.

Hit on her like you know how!

It'll take 10 minutes. Child's play!

If she's into you, it's no doubt partly 'cause of your money.

What?

How can a guy like me steal your thunder?

I live at my mother's, I can't...

What's that got to do with it?

Don't feel inferior. You're handsome!

You're a great guy. What woman could resist?

I appreciate you pointing that out.

- Well, it's true. - That's sweet.

You're a great guy, Willy.

You're sexy, too.

Look, we're not...

We're not all...

AC/DC...

I'm a traditional kinda guy. You know me.

You're a jerk, above all.

Think it's funny?

If I say "fag", you think it's funny? Honestly!

When you say that...

It's embarrassing, it really is.

Go on.

So, let's carry on.

I accept your mission.

Good.

So, let's imagine the ideal scenario, to sum up.

Go on.

I get off with fatty Florence...

Good.

- It's conclusive. - Right.

She falls into my arms, the whole shebang.

Her heart leaps, she starts to like me.

- She gets off your back. - Exactly!

That's all I'm asking for. She gets off my back!

OK, so what do I get in return?

Are you joking?

- What's in it for me? - Nothing, dammit!

Helping a friend. That's your reward!

That's already a lot. What...?

- Hold on. - I thought...

Shit, it's her!

She calls every 30 minutes now!

Let me see her photo.

I put a photo of a dog. She pisses me off so much.

Yes, Florence.

You OK?

Yeah, fine.

Just checking you're on your way.

Yes, I am.

I'm nearly there.

I'm not far. Do you still want to see me?

Yeah, great, great.

I really want to see you.

I hope you do too.

Yes, Florence.

That's nice.

And I wanted to tell you...

Don't freak out, but I'm coming with my dad.

He's just dropping me off.

I thought I'd introduce you.

Just for 5 minutes.

Oh, OK, OK.

You don't mind?

No, no.

Great. See you.

See you.

Kiss, kiss. Bye.

OK.

He's pleased to meet you.

I really hope you like him, Dad.

Because I think he's the one.

Listen, honey...

You know what?

I can't do this anymore. I quit.

What are you doing?

I don't want to do this anymore! I quit.

It's over. I don't want to do this!

What's the matter?

It was going really well.

I can't pretend anymore. I'm sick of it.

It's beyond me.

I don't believe in it anymore, I'm done.

I don't even have to justify myself. I'm out of here. Period.

You can't walk out on the movie.

Yes, I can, and I will.

Sure I can. I'm free.

I'm free!

- It's not done! - Isn't it?

You know what? Don't even try to understand.

Just leave me alone!

What's wrong? Why talk to me like that?

I've had enough of these dumb movies!

I've had enough! It's not the 80s anymore.

It's pointless!

Who cares about these silly love stories? They're history!

It's time they stopped.

The whole world is in chaos. Haven't you noticed?

That's no reason to yell at me, OK?

I can't help the chaos. It isn't my fault.

We can still do our job. I don't see the connection.

Oh, don't you?

Even when the water's run out

and people get killed for a piece of bread,

you'll carry on acting for the audience, as if nothing was going on?

As if everything was fine and dandy?

Yeah, well, why not?

Is that your answer? "Yeah, well, why not?"

Got nothing else?

Well, no, yes, I don't know!

When the Titanic was sinking, the musicians carried on playing.

We're the same, right?

It was in a James Cameron film, not for real!

- Sure it was real! - No, it wasn't!

- That's a myth. - It's not!

- It's to fool... - Read up on it first!

It's to make people believe that artists are brave.

- It's bullshit! - Nonsense.

Come off it.

Those musicians carried on playing

until they froze to death, OK?

- And it was beautiful. - Beautiful!

So, I'll follow their lead. As long as I can still act, I will.

You won't be able to disgust me, OK?

I'll keep having fun.

Just one thing: We're not on the Titanic, you know.

This isn't about 2,000 guys on a sinking ship.

This is hell on earth.

The chaos is global. The shipwreck is global!

We're all sinking!

But you're fine with that, aren't you?

You're comfortable, are you?

Mankind is nearly done,

and you want to play my daughter in an indie movie?

You're just an idiot. An idiot!

Yeah, I'm an idiot!

So? Making movies was never any use.

Did you think you'd save lives with those third-rate movies?

No, we don't care.

That's why the movies are cool. There's no purpose, OK?

Well, good. Great!

You're lucky to be having fun.

But would you do it for free?

I won't even answer that.

It's important. Would you still say those shitty lines

and strip off in indie movies

if not to pay for your dresses and jewelry?

You know what? Shut your mouth, OK?

I'll shut up.

I won't play that game.

Keep your negative energy to yourself, OK?

This is total bullshit! You're raving!

I'll pretend I didn't hear what you said...

or I'll lose my shit.

OK, never mind.

We have to move on. I'll keep going.

I'm a pro. I'll pick up my lines.

Go ahead, we're listening.

- We're listening. - OK.

Dad...

I really hope you like him because I think he's the one.

Is that your best performance? You're giving it your all?

Shit! Fuck!

I'll be better later on. You know how it works.

They'll correct it in post-production. Edit it, add music...

Don't act as if you're always perfect.

You keep stopping 'cause of your twitches!

- What? - Your twitches!

Right now?

I know when I have twitches, but I don't, right now.

So, just drop it.

I don't care.

It's very mean to bring that up. It's cheap.

It's lousy!

Lousy.

Poor thing, talking about his twitches.

Be a fuckin' man! Do your job!

- Give me my fuckin' cue! - OK, I will. No problem!

- Go on. - You'll see how it sucks. Get ready.

Listen, honey...

Do you really think...

Hang on.

Look, honey, do you really think it's a father's role to judge...

What's the line?

"Do you really think it's a father's role..."

OK, I'm good.

Look, honey...

Do you really think it's a father's role

to judge the man you love?

I'll accept him, whatever his color or religion.

A father must support his daughter.

Happy now?

Do you realize how much that line sucks?

Or are you deaf?

- You're deaf. - No, it's very good.

It's a simple story. I can relate to it.

Anyway, it's just a scene to explain the next scene...

It picks up later.

We can't wait for it to pick up, don't you see?

We don't have time.

We're sinking!

It's all falling apart!

There's a war on, we're out of resources.

Just a sec.

Yes.

No, we're not filming... Well, not really.

I don't care. Tell me.

Who?

Oh, fuck!

OK, I'll call you back.

No, I'll call you back.

- What is it? - Fuck.

Is it serious?

That's crazy!

What's going on?

- You know Paul Thomas Anderson? - No. Well, yes.

Paul Thomas Anderson wants me in his next movie.

Fuck.

You fuckin' scared me!

I thought someone had died!

Did you hear what I said? Paul Thomas Anderson!

This is insane. Just insane.

- So? - It's great, but weren't you done?

I knew it'd work out sooner or later!

I toil for 40 years, and it finally pays off!

The biggest director in the world wants me for his next movie.

What a shock.

It's the shock of the century!

Sorry, I was feeling a bit droopy.

I feel better now.

OK... Let's go again.

I am back!

Let's do this.

- Let's do it standing, OK? - Yes.

It's more dynamic than in the car.

- OK? - Yeah.

OK, here goes.

Listen, honey...

Do you really think it's a father's role to judge the man you love?

I'll accept him, whatever his color or religion.

A father must support his daughter. That's all.

OK.

Thanks, Dad.

Come on. I can't wait to meet him.

Yeah, for sure.

I'd like to go for a walk and pick mushrooms.

No, that won't be possible.

Getting to know one another...

We can't afford it right now. What can I say?

The guy she stays with...

- Her roommate? - Yes, that's it.

- A big firm? - A very big firm.

But if we want to go on a nice trip in December...

Hey.

- You OK? - Fine.

- My father. - Hello.

You're David?

- David. That's right. - OK.

I ran into Willy, a friend.

So, meet Willy.

Hey, Willy.

I hope you don't mind if he joins us.

- Hope you don't mind. - No.

No, it's cool!

- Let's get a drink. - Sure.

Can I have a word in private?

Why?

You'll see.

We'll be right there.

We'll just have a quick cigarette.

What's wrong?

- In mid scene? - Just a sec.

We'll be quick. Just a sec.

- Can we sit anywhere? - Sure.

- This OK with you? - Go for it!

What a pain in the ass he is.

- Guillaume? - Yeah.

A nightmare!

I can't stand him already.

It's going to be a tough gig.

That's no fun.

It pisses me off to be here.

Sorry, it's not your fault.

No problem.

What'll I do?

You have to be able to...

separate the man from the artist.

Well, both are horrible.

It's more tricky, then.

Martin Scorsese?

Forget the old guys. A major, modern director.

A giant!

A major, modern director...

Tarantino?

No, smarter than that.

Your quiz is annoying. Tell me.

- Ready? - Go on.

Paul Thomas Anderson.

Oh, him!

- It's good... - Oh, OK.

That's super cool.

Yeah, bravo.

Oh, OK. It's super cool?

Are you acting blas�?

- No, it's great. - You are.

Just think of it.

What do you want me to say? I'm pleased for you.

Oh, you're trying to impress me?

- You're jealous. - No, I'm not.

C'mon, they're waiting.

Don't be a killjoy. I'm talking about a genius!

Seriously?

So, Americans call you, you scoff at all the rest?

- You'd have done the same. - No, I wouldn't.

Can you speak English?

Oh, you can learn in no time.

There are courses.

He went on about the end of mankind, war...

A real headcase.

Sorry.

Forgive me.

OK, we're here. Let's start again.

- What the fuck? - Sorry.

Off we go.

So...

- Let's go. - Yeah.

OK, ready?

Off we go.

David, I'm delighted to meet you at last.

Me too.

Florence raves about you. I wondered if you existed!

Dad, please...

It's embarrassing.

No, let him speak.

It's cool.

Well, he won't stop. I know him inside out.

He'll monopolize the conversation.

She's not wrong, that's true.

I talk a lot. I can't help it.

I can't stop talking, that's how it is.

Even when I should keep quiet,

I don't know why, but I talk and talk.

It just pours out.

Funny, isn't it? Yet as a kid, I was...

Let me interrupt you for a second.

Did you two go fill your nostrils?

Pardon?

Did you go out for a line of coke so you'd be on form for the scene?

You jerk! We were talking.

He keeps scratching his nose.

I rumbled you guys from afar!

I get the mood, but...

Hey, first of all,

don't refer to me in the third person, OK?

What are you talking about?

I scratch my nose. So what?

Is it a crime?

Look, I'm not here to judge you,

but don't pretend to be talking. Be honest.

Just say: "We're going for a line." So, we know.

It's fine. Don't take it the wrong way.

Where do you come from?

Where are you from?

Know how many parts I've played?

Loser!

I star in 5 movies a year!

Would I still be top of the bill?

You're way up top!

Yeah, top of the bill.

You got a problem with that?

Look, let's get on with the scene.

Do you think Paul Thomas Anderson would hire a druggie?

Dumbass! Hey, shut up if you don't know what you're talking about!

Look how aggressive you're being.

You're clearly as high as a kite.

Calm down and come back to earth.

- Chill. - He's a moron!

Cut it out.

Should I bow down when he yells at me?

I have a right to know who I'm working with.

You wanna know who you're dealing with?

Search me if you want to be sure.

No need.

Look, stop it!

Search me. Do your worst, you two-bit detective. Jerk!

I've never taken anything,

so go fuck yourself!

You better be polite.

Why get worked up if you're not high?

Your eyes are bloodshot like a mad cow's!

"Mad cow"?

Hey!

You can't help it!

- You crack up every 10 minutes! - So?

- We'll never finish! - He insulted me.

He interrupted my line.

You could be nice. You don't have to lose it.

- I was nice. - Sure!

I wanted to say a whole lot more!

Lucky I don't hit oldies!

Let's take it outside. I'll whip your ass.

No asses are getting whipped. You're insane!

You're bleeding.

Stop this!

I'll clean you up.

- You OK? - Yeah.

Little prick.

Fuck's sake! She's right.

We'll never get this done! It's a disaster!

Do you realize how bad this makes us look?

Gratuitous physical and verbal violence! Do we need that?

The theaters are already half-empty, but I'm telling you...

No-one will want to see us in a fuckin' movie!

We're done.

People will hate us.

Stop trying to have a perfect image all the time.

They don't care about us.

They don't even know our names. They have bigger problems.

They moved on long ago.

No, that's cynical. I don't agree!

Lots of great film buffs still watch us.

And we're very exposed, I'm sorry.

We have to set a good example.

Why did you hit him?

Set a good example!

You know what?

Face up to your homosexuality, to set a good example.

- Get out of the closet. - What?

Fuck you! What's it to you?

It's all very well to give everyone lessons.

- Settle your personal problems first. - Fuck!

Just so you know,

I don't have to justify myself to you.

And also...

it's not a problem, OK?

I'm bisexual, not homosexual. Big difference.

That's handy.

Like hybrid cars: you pollute, then go electric.

That's great!

Help! I don't want to understand that disgusting metaphor!

My God!

I shouldn't have accepted this job.

The lure of gain is a terrible thing!

If you wave money in front of my face,

I could roll in dog shit, no questions asked.

Can you stop moving?

It's annoying enough.

Sorry.

Why did I stupidly offer to clean you up like a nurse?

Maybe you like me a bit?

How do you find me?

- In the scenes? - Yeah.

Yeah, fine. You're good...

Really?

Yeah, you're believable.

I have a really broad range of emotions.

Until now, I was acting with restraint...

but when I take my foot off the brake, watch out!

- What the hell?! - No?

- No! - Oh, I thought so. Sorry.

I could destroy you for that.

What?

If I tell the press, you'll never work again.

Wait, did I rape you without realizing?

Yes, if I hadn't moved back, you'd have touched me.

Hey, I'm practicing!

We have to kiss at one point.

Not for real, though!

I wanted to test it not for real

to see what it felt like.

Well, it felt pretty real to me.

- You pick up on energies at once? - Yeah.

So, you're a medium?

Yeah, I'm a fuckin' sex medium!

What do you expect? I know guys really well.

You're not the first, you know.

Listen carefully.

Even if you pay me a million dollars, cash...

A million, I promise you.

I wouldn't sleep with a guy.

No way.

I find it unnatural.

Sorry to say it, but it's what I think.

You guys are nuts!

Go on, dig a deeper hole!

Bravo! Classy! Holy cow!

You reason in dollars now?

Do you think you're in Hollywood?

No-one would go to bed with you. Look at you.

You wouldn't believe my success with women!

Sorry, it's hard to imagine.

As for Hollywood,

even if you can't stand it, I'm sorry,

but it's the reality. That's just how it is.

So, I'll finish this crap,

then I'm out of here.

- You won't see me again. - Scram!

Go far, far away. We won't stop you.

I'll try again, but at the first slip-up,

I'll kick off and go crazy, OK?

- Can we carry on? - Yes, let's.

Goddam pains!

Feeling a bit better? Will you live?

I'm not even mad at you.

It's touching from a has-been actor.

Can we start?

Sure. Just a sec. You know what?

I hope you achieve even 5% of my career, pal. I mean it.

But you won't. Know why?

There's a recession.

Can we start?

But I hope you do.

I wish you good luck with that.

Can we start?

2 years from now, I'll be at the top.

I'll walk all over everyone.

At the top of what?

At the top of the bill.

Stop it!

It's him.

Are you 12 years old?

Let's go.

Are you gonna compare the size of your dicks?

- Let's go. - Be professional. It's a disgrace.

Fuckin' sick of it!

Don't be so vulgar. What's with the "dick, fuck" shit?

I'm ashamed to be with you, too. I'm mortified.

Let's go.

I'm warning you...

One more homophobic remark, I'll sue.

Don't worry, you won't.

I've already said it all.

Fine, thank you.

You're welcome.

- Ready? - Sure.

Go on, Guillaume.

Yes, sir!

Here goes.

David, I'm delighted to meet you at last.

Me too.

Florence raves about you. I wondered if you existed.

Dad, please...

- It's embarrassing. - Let him speak. It's cool.

I know him inside out. He won't stop.

- He'll monopolize the conversation. - She's not wrong.

I talk a lot. I can't help it. I can't stop talking, that's how it is.

Even when I should keep quiet,

I don't know why, but I talk and talk. It just pours out.

Funny, isn't it?

Yet as a kid, I was pretty shy.

Florence told me you're a banker?

That's right.

Maybe that's why I talk all the time,

to confuse my clients. Who knows?

I find it pretty amusing,

because in real life,

I've never met a banker like that.

Have you not?

It's very simple:

we sell when everyone buys

and we buy when everyone sells. It's not rocket science.

OK.

Sorry for the wait.

I ordered a great Burgundy. Do you like that?

- I do. - Let's see.

- So... - Wonderful.

Shit.

I'm sorry.

I'm so stressed.

So we see.

Stop it, it's going everywhere.

It's my first time as an extra.

Must be stage fright.

I couldn't sleep a wink.

For fuck's sake...

Sorry to mess it all up.

It was shit before you came along. There's no problem.

What's your name?

St�phane.

It'll be fine, St�phane, OK?

Don't get stressed out.

- We're with you. - Can I try again?

Yeah, you have time to practice.

OK. Wonderful.

Are you sure

it's not a neurological problem?

No, I'm just really stressed out.

My belly hurts.

I can feel it.

The thing is...

I've always dreamed of being part of a movie.

That's why I'm losing it.

I've waited so long!

Listen,

St�phane, don't pressure yourself

or you'll get more stressed.

Try to relax.

Oh, fuck!

The day my fuckin' dream comes true...

I screw up like a loser!

Don't do that!

St�phane, it's only a movie.

OK, sorry.

Start again.

Nice n' relaxed. Go on.

OK.

That's it.

Oh, wonderful. Burgundy.

For once I agree with Guillaume, it looks like an epileptic fit.

Yeah, I was right.

He's not well.

Shit!

Maybe Tourette's, too?

Stop it.

You'll make him worse.

I need some air.

I've never seen anything so tiresome in my entire life.

- You leaving the Titanic? - You bet.

I'm sorry, it's my fault.

No, it's not your fault.

We have some time now.

- We're here. Go ahead and practice. - OK.

- So... - Great.

Fine, thanks.

Great.

- St�phane... - I'm too tense.

I'm getting it everywhere.

I think

you should

drink what's left.

Trust me. You can't stay like that.

You'll explode!

So...

Have a big glug, pal.

OK.

Listen to him, he's right this time.

That's it.

Yes, I'm sure. I'm sure, OK?

It's a disaster. The mood is appalling. Everyone's yelling.

I'll get cancer if I stay here.

And that Willy guy tried to take advantage of me in the can.

Gross!

Now a retarded extra is trying to...

I've had it.

Look, we'll find a solution.

Take a deep breath.

It's OK, I'm with you.

Now, if you walk today,

you won't earn a penny.

Fuck.

Florence, you signed the contract.

You know there are limits.

Can you come up with something?

Well, we could lie

and say you're pregnant.

What?

Yeah, you're pregnant,

you feel sick,

you're nauseous, dizzy,

so you can't work.

That's a great excuse.

You're the world's worst agent!

For once I need you. Your only idea is to pretend I'm pregnant?

What do I do? Do I wear a prosthetic belly?

I don't know...

Look, I'll manage on my own, OK?

You're useless.

So, have a good vacation. With my money!

So long!

Little slut.

Yes, David dear?

Darling, I need you for something silly. Got a sec?

OK, honey. What's wrong?

Well, Tardieu told me about a job

on the next Paul Thomas Anderson apparently.

- Did you hear about it? - Vaguely.

Who's dealing with that?

I think it's Marine.

OK, great.

I want you to call

and get him off the movie.

Say what you like, sweetie:

antisemitic, drug addict, alcoholic...

Whatever, but get rid of him.

And get them to take me instead.

He doesn't speak a word of English!

It's not your real name?

Christian is my real name.

And Willy is my stage name.

Oh, OK, it's even worse than I thought.

Did you pick it?

Yeah, I...

I'm a fan of the series, "Diff'rent Strokes".

I loved the black dwarf and I identified with him.

Are you being serious?

Yeah.

I've been called Willy since school, as a homage to Willis.

As a fan, I watched every episode.

You really are very stupid!

- Why? - The dwarf wasn't Willis.

Hi.

It was Arnold.

What?

It's well-known.

Everyone knows the dwarf is Arnold.

You watched 200 episodes and you didn't get that?!

Wait, you're telling me

I identified with the wrong person my whole life. You'll kill me!

What the hell?

It made you laugh. So, you like me!

It's too soon to say if I like you,

but I don't want to hit you now.

You'll end up liking me.

Cheers!

- To Arnold and Willis. - Yeah.

How's it going?

I can't do it.

I'll practice. I'll manage.

Yeah, you practice.

Are you waiting for the actress to come back?

No.

We have a problem with the extra.

The fat guy, the waiter.

He's had trouble doing

something simple.

He's so stressed. It's not easy for him.

I see.

I don't believe this.

No fuckin' way!

It's the worst day of my fuckin' life!

It's terrible.

I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown!

You gotta come get me now.

Stop whining, hon. It's ridiculous.

You know what I think. I keep telling you.

You're not cut out for the movies.

They're all degenerates.

You should have carried on studying.

It makes you unhappy.

And you're not good.

Sorry to say so, Florence.

You're a bad actress.

Even your doting dad is appalled by what you do.

Sometimes we're ashamed when we watch you on TV.

She hung up.

Fuck!

I'm shaking like a leaf!

Just a sec. Calm down.

Stage fright is terrible.

Especially for a shitty extra.

Everyone's waiting.

The pressure is awful.

It can go on for hours.

You don't think of that when you watch at home.

It's crazy, what goes on.

We try our best

to give you some magic.

- Thanks. - We were told it's the first movie

directed by artificial intelligence. Is that right?

Yeah.

Written and directed by artificial intelligence.

- It's a world first. - Is it?

So, what does that mean?

It's all Greek to us.

Well...

I can't explain. It's too sad.

Keep dreaming.

- It's for the best. - OK.

Fuck!

I'm so happy to see you, hon.

You know, I miss you.

Crying again?

It's nothing.

I'm just tired.

Are you having fun?

Simone's parents are great. Her mom does a normal job.

She grows and sells vegetables.

That's nice.

Would you like me to do a normal job?

No, it'd be too hard for you.

- Really? - Yeah.

You pretend to do jobs you can't do.

I gotta go.

Bye, hon.

Bye!

Fuck!

St�phane, what do you do other than serve wine?

I'd rather concentrate, sorry. Or I won't manage.

Do you play the maracas in a band?

He's in great demand.

He does 12-hour concerts!

- Stop it. - Great musician.

Don't mock me.

There! Thanks!

I can't do this... I can.

Shit!

Enough!

Take that!

Sick of this!

What the fuck?

Hey...

Is that part of the movie?

Oh, my God.

Cut.

It's in the can!

Holy fuck!

I'm exhausted!

It's all over me!

- You rock! - Gotta get cleaned up.

- Bravo. - Thanks.

- Great. - You too.

Thanks. See you later.

Bravo, Guillaume Tardieu and Florence Drucker.

That take was excellent, probably the best.

I knew it.

Your acting complied with my instructions.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

But in terms of what we just did,

will people understand why he commits suicide

all of a sudden?

It seems a bit fast.

Don't you think?

Your opinion is not taken into account.

I know, but as I did it, I felt...

Your opinion is not taken into account.

I get it.

I've done this for 40 years.

So I'm starting to know the ropes. I know how things work.

You should listen to me.

You can't keep making decisions in a vacuum,

with your algorithms. It's ridiculous. You have to...

Your opinion is not taken into account.

At least I told you.

If I may say so, I don't share his opinion.

This new way of making movies is really exciting.

I love it.

Your opinion is not taken into account either.

- There. - OK.

And I've started to edit the movie

and I'm pleased to tell you that we are currently

92% faithful

to the studio's artistic charter.

It's a very good score.

- Great! - Well, if that's what matters to you,

we're delighted.

So, it's the end of an excellent day.

You must go back to the hotel to rest.

Do not forget you need 7 hours' sleep.

Do not forget... get...

get... get...

It's crashed.

We got the idea, we're not stupid.

See you tomorrow.

See you.

Why lick his ass like that?

He hasn't got an ass!

I don't want to get cut out.

Well, I promise you,

it'd suit me.

We are currently 92% faithful

to the producers' artistic charter.

It's a very good score.

Great.

Bye, Willy!

I'll just say goodbye to them.

- We're going. - Bye, kids.

Bravo, you were superb! Real pros!

See you tonight?

No, I'm going home. I'm exhausted.

Poor thing! He's exhausted!

- So many lines. - Come off it!

Get some rest. See you tomorrow.

See you.

Sorry, I'm all yours.

Just one thing, was I OK or not?

You were good, but not rigorous enough.

You fluffed or changed 14 lines of dialogue today.

Sorry, I can't help it.

I need to work on them. I can't do it otherwise.

I used the automatic dialogue corrector

to fix everything.

From your salary, there will be a deduction of

460 euros before tax.

OK. Never mind.

Don't stay talking all evening. Let's go.

I'm nearly done.

Sorry, I have to go, but I'll be more careful in future.

We have a lot to do tomorrow.

Do not forget you need 7 hours' sleep.

7 hours, sure... Got it.

Thanks, boss. See you tomorrow.

No, I know.

I've had big personal problems.

My wife left me, so...

I had a breakdown.

And I've gained 50 pounds since I was cast.

That's why I've changed a bit physically.

I'm sorry.

You should have informed us of this substantial weight gain.

We'll have to digitally alter your appearance

to give you a standard figure.

Well, OK, I don't care about that.

Unfortunately, the ensuing extra post-production costs

will be deducted from your fee.

Good evening and thank you, St�phane Jouvet.

What?

No shit!

Damn, it's beautiful.

Yeah, it's heaven here.

I have a lump in my throat, it's so beautiful.

You know me, I'm a country boy. These are my roots.

Our apartment in Paris is nice enough,

but when you see all this...

You can't beat this feeling.

I can't get enough. I could sit anywhere here

and spend 3 days, just watching nature.

We should leave Paris more often

to get some fresh air.

We're idiots.

We could afford it. I mean, I make...

a good living.

Well, we say it, but we never do it.

We get caught up in bullshit.

I know.

But if we had a dog...

we'd have to go away more often.

Please don't bring that up again.

We agreed. Stop that.

He'd follow us around.

We'd take him everywhere.

You know I'm allergic to dogs, baby.

Allergic in your mind!

You can't be allergic to dogs.

Dogs are life.

You can't be allergic to life.

You just have a mental block.

It's just like I had with spinach.

No, wait...

You never got a rash.

It's totally different.

It's the same!

You can't compare it.

If you free your mind,

everything would change overnight. You could sleep in a kennel.

I have no wish to. Leave me alone!

I have no wish to, OK?

I'm just asking you for a little lap dog.

- Not a big dog. - No!

We've been over this. It's too inconvenient! Stop!

I'll do everything! You won't have to.

I'll walk it, clean up...

I don't care! They're a pain and they stink!

How else can I say it?

You know I'm dying for one. Please!

Pretty please! I'm begging you...

I like it when you beg.

Keep going!

I feel suddenly powerful.

Go on, keep begging me.

Do you want me to get on my knees?

- Yeah, give it a try. - OK, fine.

My love...

For 2 beautiful years, we've shared everything

joyfully, passionately, generously...

Will you look me in the eye?

I'm looking at you, baby. No-one but you.

I left my home town in the mountains

to move into your 2-room place in Paris.

You know what that cost me.

I lost special friends...

I had financial worries...

fought with my parents.

Want me to say what I think of them?

Let me finish.

I kneel before you, the happiest of men.

Christian, stop it!

- I mean it. - Please...

This is from the bottom of my heart. I'm not joking.

So...

I'm happy, you're happy.

Everything's for the best.

Nevertheless, there is one thing which could make

our life even more exceptional...

- Even lovelier... - I get it.

A dog. No!

A dog. Please...

I'm solemnly asking you...

my love, on my knees...

- What? - Let me finish.

I'm solemnly asking you, Guillaume, my love...

Will you marry me?

No, I just want a dog!

That's a disgusting thing to do! That's bad.

- That's really bad! - Wow, your face!

- Disgusting. - Sorry, you know me!

That's bad.

Hey!

OK?

I won't see you again. I've finished.

- Yeah, you only had one scene. - Yeah.

- Did you like it? - Dunno.

I'm in two minds.

The producer did a shitty thing, too.

They're a pain.

They always are.

Well, you were great.

The shaking and all was perfect.

- Hilarious. - Yeah.

Really good.

And it's not easy to do. It's true.

That's nice, thanks.

Maybe we could swap numbers?

What for?

I don't know... To...

to stay in touch.

In touch...

You seem bothered...

No, frankly...

We don't really call people.

We have cellphones, but we hardly ever use them.

It's not our thing.

With all the waves, the wifi, and so on...

We're green.

- OK. - We're green.

But we'll see you at the preview if you like.

Yeah, OK.

I get it.

- Don't take it badly. - No, it's OK.

- All the best. - You too.

So long!

See you.

We hurt his feelings.

It doesn't matter.

- Who cares? - I felt sorry for him.

We don't know him, baby.

You know what it's like.

He calls, you don't answer.

Then, it's hellish.

True.

You can't stay in touch with everyone.

It's unmanageable.

Just think...

I always have this floating moment...

after a day's work.

I feel really weird.

You go through such intense stuff on set.

When it stops...

I don't know... I feel kinda lost.

Drained, you know?

I didn't mean to bore you.

No, I understand.

Don't you feel that?

Well...

No.

It's funny, we've never discussed it, but...

I have a big theory about that.

- You do? - Yeah.

I think that...

the way we read the world...

is completely inverted.

Everything's upside down.

Like what?

Everything!

We've got it all wrong.

We think fiction is fiction

and that reality is reality.

No, that's completely wrong.

Look closer and you'll see it's the opposite.

OK! That's your big theory?

Don't laugh, it...

It took me ages to develop it.

I thought about it like crazy for years.

It's not bullshit.

It's mind-blowing if you get the concept...

Well, tell me more because I don't see the concept.

What you think is reality, right here, right now...

Or tomorrow morning, say.

You get up, have coffee, go for a run...

That's all fictitious.

Whereas movies...

music, dreams, the stories we tell ourselves, fantasies...

That's really real.

It's just that you prefer the imagination.

No, you don't understand.

It's more profound.

We've been reading it wrong from the start.

People have always believed that reality is what they see.

So? That's normal.

No!

No, it's not normal.

You were programmed to think like that from birth.

You can't help it, like everyone else.

I can tell you that...

everything's upside down.

It's the other way around.

I know you can't accept it at once.

It seems crazy, I understand.

But if you really think about it...

it's staggering.

OK, let's say you're right.

But... Sorry if this is a dumb question.

What does it change to your life?

It changes everything!

Everything... OK, give me a concrete example.

The first thing I think of, OK?

Yeah, go on.

So, if we apply my theory right now...

I can sleep with you without cheating on my wife.

- What? - It's simple.

As it's fiction, we wouldn't care.

It wouldn't matter.

OK, I get it.

It's just...

a way of not giving a shit.

No! Not at all. It's serious.

You invented a crappy concept to screw who you like, guilt-free.

No way!

You're a sewer rat.

Forget it.

- You want to fuck me. - No!

Florence, it was an example.

Hold on...

- Does it work for me, too? - Sure.

- Really? - Yeah.

Great.

So, if I want to sleep with...

the sound guy...

I won't be cheating on my husband, right?

- Because reality is fiction? - Which sound guy?

- Claude? - It's just an example.

You wanna screw that pig?

Does it work for me, too?

You wanna screw that pig?

Forget it.

Are we really talking about Claude?

Does this method work...?

Am I the first or...?

It's not a method.

It's a revolutionary philosophy I'm trying to share with you.

Yeah, sure!

Just stop talking.

It's embarrassing.

I'm not a total fool.

Claude! No shit?

Be quiet. Just be quiet, OK?

Leave me alone.

I'd rather listen to the silence.

Reality is reality. Period.

THE SECOND ACT

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