Original subtitles

( water splashes )

( lilting melody playing on acoustic guitar )

( violins join in )

( French horns playing )

( trumpets join in )

( solo guitar resolves melody )

( patriotic melody plays )

♪ ♪

( mid-tempo rap beat plays )

♪ Here's a story about a man ♪

♪ A simple man ♪

♪ A man with a dream to do the world some good ♪

♪ Here's a story for rich and poor ♪

♪ For young and for old ♪

♪ About a man from the 'hood ♪

♪ Tryin' to do the world some good ♪

♪ Here's a story about a man ♪

♪ An everyday man ♪

♪ A man with a dream ♪

♪ To be the head of state, state, state ♪

♪ Hmm... ♪

( phone ringing )

MAN: Alderman Gilliam's office.

What are you upset about?

It's not a black-owned business?

MAN 2 ( over phone ): That's right!

MAN: Yeah, but it's a Chinese food restaurant.

So what?! Yeah!

I know it's fried rice, but it's not "fried" rice.

( phone rings ) Alderman Gilliam's office.

Hi, honey! Hey, hey, Kim, Kim, Kim.

Hey, how is it going, honey?

Got tickets to the symphony. Really? Well, hold on a second,

Listen, on your way home... 'cause I got call.

Mays, you better... I got another call!

KIM: Mays? Mays?!

TV ANNOUNCER: Vote for Gaines and James.

The Million Babies' Mamas' March?

WOMAN ( over phone ): It's a very good cause.

No, you're going to have to call Reverend Barton for that one.

MAN ( over phone ): I got these food stamps...

No, you can't use food stamps to buy tires.

Alderman Gilliam? I'm sorry, Mr. Hawkins.

What can I do for you?

Your girlfriend's on hold.

Honey, wait, hold on a second. ...put me on hold every time!

Now, now, what was it, Mr. Hawkins?

The bus, Mays.

I read where they're gonna shut down our bus line.

( over phone ): Mays, are you listening to me?

If they do that, I can't get to work.

Unless they give me a job

in that new mall. Don't worry, Mr. Hawkins.

I've been talking to the people downtown,

and I promise you this:

If they shut down this bus line,

I will drive you to work myself.

You got my word.

Alderman Gilliam, quick!

Miss Pearl is back!

Okay, I gotta go.

( driving rap beat plays )

MAYS ( voice-over ): Hi, that's me, Mays Gilliam,

alderman of the Ninth Ward of Washington, D.C.

Not the part of D.C. that you're familiar with.

I work in a neighborhood so bad,

you can get shot while you're getting shot.

Around here, when people have a problem,

they don't call the mayor, they call me.

( driving rap beat continues )

Come on, come on, come on.

All right, okay. Miss Pearl!

Miss Pearl! What's going on?

( sobbing ): Mays, Dionne is in the house!

I know she is!

MAN: Look, I don't know what she's talking about.

We checked the house; there's nobody in there.

Hey, man, Dionne is her cat.

MAN: Well, whatever.

Cat's got nine lives. He'll be fine.

Frank, can't we let one guy go in there

and help this lady get her cat?

Can't do it, Mays. Once they laid the explosives,

there's nothing I can do. She just showed up.

Come on, man, you already took the lady's house.

Can you at least let her get her cat?

Hey, we didn't take her house. We gave her 40 grand.

40 grand? What kind of house is she supposed to get

with 40 grand? What, a crack house?

I think she'd be happy to get out of this rattrap.

Who the hell are you to call this place a rattrap?

This is my neighborhood. This is where I'm from.

I got my first bike stolen right there.

My daddy got his bike stolen right there.

When I have a son, I hope he's fortunate enough

to get stuck up right there.

Now, can't you let somebody go in there and check?

We already looked. There's nothing in here.

Now, look, we got work to do here.

Leave the people alone!

Let's go. Let's get this thing going.

Come on, now. Come on, Mays!

Come on, stop being in such a hurry.

FRANK: We been here all morning.

Let the lady go inside. PEARL: Dionne?!

Come on, baby! Oh, sugar baby. Come on!

Could you at least turn it off? Let the lady get her cat.

Dionne, baby?!

I got something for you!

( meows )

Dionne!

Miss Pearl, no!

Dionne! Dionne!

All right, turn it off. Turn it off.

Wait'll this woman gets her cat.

Shit! It's not working.

Cut it off! Turn it off!

She better get out of there. It's gonna blow!

Miss Pearl! Miss Pearl! Miss Pearl!

Miss Pearl, come on!

Oh, no, Mays!

Come on!

Mays, you've only got a minute!

Miss Pearl... Miss Pearl!

FRANK: Fix it! Get to work!

I'm trying!

Get a union man on this-- Mays!

Get out! Mays!

( mutters )

Miss Pearl, we got to get out of here.

They're gonna blow this place up.

Oh, they wouldn't do that, baby.

They know we're in here.

Miss Pearl, I love you. I've known you a long time.

Now, you've seen a lot of things in your life.

You've seen churches burnt to the ground.

You've seen dogs sicced on children.

You've seen Malcolm X killed. You've seen JFK killed.

They shut up Muhammad Ali. They shut up Richard Pryor.

They gave Magic Johnson AIDS.

They turned Michael Jackson white.

Now, do you really think these people give a damn about you?!

( driving rap beat playing )

( Mays and Pearl yelling )

( shrieking )

( rap song plays over radio )

♪ Look for me! Young, B ♪

♪ Cruisin' down the Westside ♪

♪ High, way, Doing what we like to do ♪

♪ Our way, Eyes behind shades... ♪

RADIO ANNOUNCER: We interrupt the Jay-Z song

to bring you this special bulletin.

Presidential candidate Senator Sam Gaines and his running mate,

General Olson James, were both killed today

when their planes crashed into each other over Virginia.

We now return you to the Jay-Z song already in progress.

♪ Cuz Mami's a rider, and I'm a roller ♪

♪ Put us together, how they gon' stop both us? ♪

♪ Whatever she lacks, I'm right over her shoulder ♪

♪ When I'm off track, Mami is keepin' me focused ♪

♪ So let's lock this down like it's supposed to be ♪

♪ The '03 Bon... ♪ ( turns off radio )

( rap music plays in background )

Hey, what's up, Warren?

I'm trying to be like you, hero. What's up, man?

Saving kittens? Don't steal my car now.

I don't want that garbage. ( rap song plays )

What am I gonna do, feed your car to my car, man?

Let me get ten Nine Lives, four Lucky Ducks,

two Straight Pokers...

three Crabpots and five Powerballs.

Thank you. Here you go.

( applause )

Y'all need to stop. Y'all need to stop it now.

( angelic music plays )

Um, why are all these people in here clapping?

What, you didn't see me on the news?

No, I didn't.

I got meat! More beef than East Coast, West Coast rap.

Check it out!

Hey, Superman! Saving lives and stuff.

Why don't you cop one of these pork chops, ah?

You know what you need to do?

You need to leave. I'm not gonna tell you again.

Come on, man, nobody wants your meat.

I mean, who the hell wants to buy stolen meat?

I'll take a T-bone. You like gizzards too?

We can get set up with Chinese food.

Good. Clifton, Barracuda!

Hey, did you hear about that guy running for President?

Who do you think they're gonna get to replace him?

I don't know. Maybe they should get Shaq.

Nobody can beat him. Now, are you gonna get some gas?

You're holding my line up. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Ten on three.

♪ All I need in this life of sin ♪

♪ Is me and my girlfriend ♪ ♪ Me and my girlfriend ♪

♪ Down to ride to the very end, it's me... ♪

( rhythm and blues plays )

You've got a lot of nerve hanging up on me.

Hanging up? What-Wha--

Wha-What's going on?

I'm leaving you, that's what's going on!

You know, the only reason I ever accepted

this engagement ring from you in the first place

is because I thought you had potential!

I thought you wanted more, Mays!

Why can't you just play the game, Mays?!

Wear a suit!

Be a real politician! Wait a minute.

What's my clothes have to do with a...

Are you seeing somebody else?

I'm seeing everybody else!

I've met mosquitoes with more force than you.

I'm tired of your little games...

and I'm tired of being your little secretary.

Here's the light bill. I didn't pay it.

Here's the cable bill. I didn't pay that either.

And here's the bill for your car note.

I hope they take it! ( car alarm blaring )

Wait a minute. That's my car! That's my car!

( cackling )

I hate that piece of shit.

I am tired of spending my time

waiting for you to quit acting like a child

and act like a grown man for a change, Mays!

I need to get on with my life!

I want a house! I want children!

I want to go on vacation!

You're horrible in bed!

( cackling laughter ) ( rhythm and blues builds )

( yelling )

( music and yelling stops ) I wish you would.

For the last time, I'm not running for President.

( woman sighs )

I'm not crazy. Gaines was 20 points behind.

It's ten weeks to election day.

Damn it! Those guys should have known better

than to talk on a cell phone in a plane.

SENATOR: What about Sanderson?

That's a joke. Lewis has been Vice President for eight years.

He's a war hero, and he's Sharon Stone's cousin.

He can't lose.

What about Mosley?

Girls. Connelly?

Boys. McMasters?

Big boys. So, what?

We just concede the election to Lewis?

Don't worry, nobody said anything about conceding, Debra,

but let's get real here.

You know, we're gonna lose this one.

So the thing to do

is to set the party up for the next election.

We need a candidate that's going to put on a good show.

This isn't a circus.

It's a presidential election.

You can't just pick some...

some guy to run for President.

This is unprecedented,

but if I put in a call to the party chairman,

we find a candidate, he'll back him.

DEBRA: Who's going to run a race

that they know they can't win?

Who says he has to know?

JAY-Z: ♪ Young, B ♪

♪ Cruisin' down the Westside ♪

♪ High, way, Doing what we like to do ♪

♪ Our, way, Eyes behind shades ♪

♪ This necklace the reason... ♪

What the...?

What now?

( engine roaring )

No! No, not my bike!

Not my bike!

Not my bike! No!

Now, when I went in there,

I wasn't thinking about being a hero.

I was just trying to help Miss Pearl.

( imitating Mays ): Miss Pearl.

Miss Pearl. Miss Pearl.

I think we found our man.

Oh, look at this! This is, this is great!

This is America, see?

Little guy against the big guy.

Corporations against the people.

Young versus old. What's better than this?

Come on, give me a break!

I'm going to run an alderman for President?

No. He's not an alderman.

He's a hero.

Who doesn't like a hero?

Big business loves a hero!

See?

Bill, you said that we needed somebody who can help the party.

Now, how in the hell does this guy help the party?

I'm glad you asked.

See, the United States is changing.

Well, America is changing.

Inside of 20 years-- well, you know the numbers:

20% black, 21% Asian...

39% Hispanic.

The minorities will be the majority.

Now, the smartest thing we can do is be the first party

to nominate a minority for President.

How about a cripple?

I don't think so, Charlie.

Now, uh, we'll lose, of course...

but the minorities will be happy.

The minorities will be happy,

and they will vote for us in 2008

because we've shown we support them.

And the white people will vote for us because, uh...

well, our guy isn't black.

You got my vote!

Geller, why don't you, uh, see if you can track down

this, uh, Mays Gilliam?

Uh, Charlie... go check our accounts.

Give me one good reason why I should go along with this.

Don't you get it, Debra?

I intend to run for President in 2008.

Now, you give me one reason why you shouldn't.

Well... I mean, he-he would take a lot of work.

And we can run a background check,

but it's obvious he's not a party line candidate.

I mean, he's just some kid who thinks he can make a difference.

Don't worry about all that.

You just go out there, you put the machine behind him.

You get 25 points in the poll, consider it a win.

Make sure he doesn't embarrass us.

After this is over, we get to work.

When I'm President...

I'll take care of you.

MAYS: Coop, you got to help me.

They locked me out of my office.

I know. The mayor is fed up with you.

How many times have I told you?

You got to quit trying to fix stuff.

I could have got you into the council next term.

Now you're red-lined.

Shannon's taking over your district.

They need to smooth over this mall situation,

and that bus thing's about to heat up.

They don't trust you. They don't trust me?

I'm not the one stealing people's houses.

You see, that's what your problem is right there.

You got to work with us, Mays!

That stuff you pulled over there cost the city money.

Makes the mayor look bad.

Now, contrary to popular belief,

politics is no place to express yourself.

You want to get in, you got to fit in.

And look at you.

Grow up. You got to dress better.

Even Puff Daddy wears a suit to court.

I'm sorry, brother, but ain't nothing I can do.

Nice car.

Hey, ain't it, though?

Got it for a song at the repo auction.

( laughs )

( laughter continues )

( engine starts )

♪ Look for me! Young, B ♪

♪ Cruisin' down the Westside ♪

♪ High, way... ♪

( thunder rumbling )

( rhythm and blues beat plays )

♪ He feels bad, mighty low ♪

♪ Got nowhere to go ♪

♪ What can you do when you're feeling low? ♪

♪ Man, I wanna know ♪

( wailing )

♪ He feels bad, mighty low ♪

♪ Got nowhere to go ♪

♪ What can you do when you're feeling low ♪

♪ And your car just got repo'd? ♪

Mays Gilliam?

( thunder rumbling )

Mays Gilliam, Debra Lassiter.

Nice to meet you. Take a seat.

Mays, we know what happened today.

We know you lost your job.

Well, how'd you know that?

It just happened.

We're the government, Mays. We know everything.

Mays, we'd like you to do something for us.

Yeah, sure, I-I-I'd love to work on a presidential campaign.

You know, I'll make phone calls...

send out flyers.

Now, who have you guys chosen to run against Lewis?

Well, that's exactly what we wanted to talk to you about.

We'd like you to run for President.

Of what?

The United States.

Of what?

Of America.

Which America? ( yelling ): North...!

( quietly ): America, Mays.

Get outta here!

We're not joking, Mays.

We want you to be the nominee for the office

of President of the United States of America.

( crowd cheering ) ( "Hail To the Chief" playing )

( gunshot )

Okay, let me get this straight.

You guys couldn't find anybody else to run?

You couldn't find nobody?

Mm, something's wrong here.

You couldn't find a-a congressman, a senator?

I mean, I'm just an alderman.

Congressmen, senators, they work with other politicians.

You're an alderman, Mays.

You work with the people,

and that's what we want-- a man of the people.

This is a big joke, right?

They've got a hidden camera somewhere around here.

Y'all are gonna get a big laugh outta this.

Well, you know what?

I don't even care, 'cause one of y'all is gonna drive me home

'cause my bike is messed up.

( "Yankee Doodle Dandy" playing ) You an American, Mays?

Wow. Bill Arnot.

Are you an American?

Yes.

Mays, this isn't just an election.

It's a moment.

This is the moment when you have the opportunity

to show little boys and girls,

men and women, what America's all about.

Look at that.

When I see that, I think

of our forefathers fighting to make this country what it is.

And when I see that, I think about the guy

who's got to scrub it for minimum wage.

That's why we want you, Mays.

You care about the little people.

So what's it going to be?

( brisk, dramatic, patriotic theme plays )

( reporters clamoring )

( camera shutters clicking )

( upbeat patriotic theme continues )

It gives me great honor

to accept the party's nomination

for President of the United States of America.

( screeching ): No!

( scream echoing )

( mooing )

Welcome to your campaign headquarters.

These folks are going to do everything they can to help you get elected.

These are your people.

Oh, here, let's take a look at this.

Hey, Mark, is that cued up?

MARK: Yep.

Roll it, please.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah...

( noble, majestic music begins on TV )

( mimicks crowd roaring )

Oh, this is a great spot.

TV ANNOUNCER: If you love America,

vote Mays Gilliam for President.

Huh?

But I'm-I'm not in it.

You don't even see my face.

Well, it's a template. We'll get you in there eventually.

Mays, there's a couple of people I want you to meet.

This is your security director, Mr. Earl.

You're going to be in good hands.

Pleased to meet you, sir.

If you ever find yourself in trouble,

just yell "security,"

and my people will handle the situation.

This is your decoy, Mays Junior.

He enters all of your events before you.

If anything's going to happen to you,

it'll happen to him first.

You know, Tupac could've used a guy like you.

This is Nicollette White.

She's your Executive Director of Internal Liaisons.

You can call me Nikki.

It will be a pleasure to serve you.

I am available to you around the clock.

Just let me know.

Now, what does she do?

Oh, she sleeps with you.

Oh, we get tired of getting caught up in sex scandals,

so we commissioned our own team of super whores.

You call yourself whores?!

Move that fat ass! One! Two! Three!

These girls are good.

Good morning, Mays.

I took the liberty of choosing some options

for this evening's fundraiser.

You don't mind, do you?

No, no, I-I'll wear whatever you need me to wear.

Now, what fundraiser is this?

It's your coming-out party.

Campaigns cost money.

The people you meet tonight have plenty of it.

Now, Geller and I are going to advance the party,

and Mr. Earl will bring you 8:00 sharp.

Here are your off-the-cuff remarks.

Learn them.

See you later. Okay.

( sighs )

( playing classical music )

Sir! ( clamoring fades )

EARL: Remember, sir, just nod and move.

Nod and move.

WOMAN: Mr. Gilliam!

( crowd clamoring )

So, what do you plan to do about taxes?

Do you plan to support paternal leave incentives?

Hey, could you get my demo to somebody?

Anybody, please! Please!

Don't accept any unscreened packages, sir.

It's a security measure.

Mays, Mays...

You have some people to talk to.

Tomorrow, work. Tonight, smile, shake hands,

and be nice to the wives.

I'll double-check the P.A. system.

You'll make a brief statement at 11:00.

MAYS: Okay, let's go. Let's go.

( classical music continues )

( loud smooching )

Hi. How you doing?

All right. You all right.

I wish you luck, sir.

Arrigato.

( clamoring )

It's a little bit like Timberland,

you know, and I got a little bit of Missy

moving up through there,

but what I'm really trying to go through

is that Neptune kinda feel, you know, so I...

Excuse me, Mays, the Teamsters are here.

What are you doing talking to the help?

Gentlemen, Mr. Mays Gilliam.

Guys, I just want to say, hey,

I'm all for labor, I'm all for unions,

but you know and I know

that you guys are gonna endorse Lewis.

It's a business decision.

We're going to do what's best for the union.

By the way, have you decided on a running mate?

We're thinking about it.

Well, we think maybe you should consider Sanders.

Well, we're considering several options.

Yeah, well, maybe you should also consider giving us

support on that new referendum. Excuse me.

Well, that depends. Can we depend on your support...?

What's up with this guy?

Track four. Check out track four.

So, what do you have there?

Well, we got some shrimp puffs

and some cheese snacks--

you know, just some... finger foods.

Thought that was you.

So, what's up with the two jobs?

Bad credit?

Why do I have to have bad credit?

Why can't I be saving up for a car or for school?

Maybe I like to work.

Excuse me.

Hey, I'm sorry. You know what?

I never got your name.

Lisa. Lisa Clark. Hey, Lisa Clark. Mays.

So why you being so rude, Lisa Clark?

I'm not trying to be rude. I'm working.

We're not supposed to mingle with the guests.

Plus, I don't know you.

You know me. Uh, no, I don't know you.

But you know me.

You've come to the gas station

a couple of times,

and I see you, but I don't know... you.

Well, let's get to know each other.

Come on, let's dance. I have to work.

I know you're working.

Yes, I'm working, too, so let's keep working.

You want to dance?

Okay, but don't get me in trouble.

Hit it!

♪ Oh ♪

( intro to "Hot In Here" playing )

I cannot believe you got me out here like this.

Yeah, but you like it, right?

Yeah, a little. ♪ A little bit a ah, ah ♪

♪ With a little bit a ♪

♪ Flirtatious, tryin' to show faces, oh ♪

♪ Lookin' for the right time to shoot my steam ♪

Uh-oh, I'm feeling it, I'm feeling it.

♪ Lookin' for the right time to flash them Gs, then, um ♪

♪ No deceivin', nothin' up my sleeve ♪

♪ No teasin', I need you to get up ♪

♪ Up on the dance floor ♪

♪ Give that man what he askin' for ♪

Go ahead, girl, work it. ♪ Cuz I feel like bustin' loose ♪

Work it! ♪ And I feel like touchin' you, uh, uh ♪

♪ And can't nobody stop the juice ♪

♪ So baby tell me what's the use ♪

♪ I said it's gettin' hot in here, so hot ♪

♪ So take off all your clothes ♪

♪ I am gettin' so hot ♪ Oh, my God. You know what?

I'm having too much fun.

I gotta get back to work.

No, come on, stay. No! I gotta go.

Come on, co... come on!

♪ So take off all your clothes ♪

♪ I am gettin' so hot... ♪

Come on, brother,

I know you know how to do this dance.

No, sorry, I don't.

Come on, man, I know you know how to do

the Electric Slide.

No, I can't say that I do.

♪ And I be down, and do a hundred, top down and goggles ♪

Get yo ass in there!

♪ Get off the freeway, exit 106 ♪

♪ And parked it Ash tray, flip gate, time to spark it ♪

♪ So take it off like you're home alone ♪

What the hell is this?!

♪ You know dance in front your mirror ♪ Where's Mays?

♪ Checkin' your reflection and tellin' your best friend ♪

Over there. ♪ "Girl, I think my butt gettin' big" ♪

DEBRA: Oh, my...

MARTIN: God!

We gotta stop him. What...?

DEBRA: Excuse us, please.

♪ I am getting so hot ♪

♪ I wanna take my clothes off ♪

What do you think you're doing?!

Mays, stop it!

Come on, man, I'm just trying to get the party started.

( frustrated groan )

♪ Throw your hands in the air ♪

♪ And wave 'em like you just don't care ♪

♪ And if I got your vote for President ♪

♪ Let me hear you say, "Oh, yeah!" ♪

CROWD: ♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

MAYS: Shake that ass, Grandma!

Let me see you bounce! Bounce! Bounce! Bounce!

Yeah, we got a couple of freaks over there.

♪ Oh, baby, hot! ♪

Let me see you shake! Shake! Shake! Shake!

Crip walk!

♪ Day-o, day-o, day-o ♪

The roof!

The roof!

The roof is on fire!

( all screaming )

The roof is on fire!

No-no! No, no, no! ( crowd screaming )

No, no, it's a saying.

It's just a saying. Come back.

( screaming )

You turned the party out.

I've never seen anything like that.

Great party.

Too bad about the fire.

( laughs quietly )

So, where you off to now?

Uh, I'm not even sure.

I mean, we start campaigning tomorrow.

We're going to be all over the country.

You need a ride home?

Oh, no. I still have to clean up.

I don't know how long that's going to take me.

Well, I could wait.

Are you sure? I mean, you know,

I could send a car to pick you up.

No, thanks, but I-I got to go.

It was good seeing you again.

You, too, buddy, ol' pal.

( laughing )

Can I get a good night kiss?

No!

MAN: Lisa! "No!"

I'm coming!

She's coming!

Hurry up! Hurry! Look, I got to go.

Good luck, and... call me, if you get a chance.

Okay?

Didn't you see me talking?

MARTIN: Mays!

What kind of display was that?

Well, I was just trying to get the party started.

If the party needs to get started,

I'll handle it.

Just do what we say, Mays.

I don't think everybody appreciated

what you did in there!

We really had a great time!

It was off the hizzle for shizzle.

Look...

Well, they liked it.

No, I-I don't care what they liked. I...

But they liked it.

Oh, Mays, darling! Mmm, mmm...

( passionate moaning )

Darling, are you done yet?

No? If not, it's okay. I can wait.

But if we hurry,

we'll be able to get a table at Jezebel's.

Oh. Good evening.

We're getting married.

Oh, I'm exhausted.

( chuckling )

You know what I can't decide?

I can't decide whether we should have a DJ or a band.

DJ, band, DJ, band, DJ, band...

Security! ( screams )

( car door slams, tires screeching )

( intro to "R.O.C.K. in the USA" playing )

( chickens clucking )

MAYS: Thank you for inviting me to the land of milk and honey.

It's you people,

the dairy people, people that make eggs,

milk, cheese

butter, bacon, that make the country great.

Milk makes the body good, and you make the country good.

Thank you for inviting me to Memphis, Tennessee.

It's people like you, the church people,

who are the backbone and the spirit

of this great land of ours.

( applause )

I love the Lord, and I love the King--

Elvis Presley.

( cattle mooing )

I want to thank you for inviting me

to the Lone Star State.

( cheering and whistling )

Home of the Cowboys!

( cheering )

How 'bout the Cowboys?

( loud cheering )

It's people like you,

the ranchers, who are the backbone of this country.

( cheering )

And before I go, I got one more thing to say:

♪ The stars at night are big and bright ♪

( rhythmic clapping )

CROWD: ♪ Deep in the heart of Texas. ♪

( cheering )

MARTIN: Hey, well, it's not bad.

MAYS: Martin, am I going to get another speech anytime soon?

DEBRA: Why, Mays, what's the matter with this speech?

I don't know. It just seems like maybe I should be talking

about something a little more relevant.

DEBRA: Relevant?

Yeah. I mean, people are cheering,

but they would cheer if I read the recipe for cornbread.

I mean, it's not like it's working.

I'm only one point up in the polls.

Oh, don't worry about the polls, Mays.

They're just a sampling. Polls change.

Don't get ahead of yourself, Mays.

We're here to help you.

Besides, the people really like you.

Cheer up. We're going to be in Chicago in a few days.

You got a brother in Chicago, don't you?

That's when the people find out what you're all about.

Yeah, but I don't even know what I'm all about.

( bluegrass playing ): ♪ He's a hero, he's a hero ♪

♪ Of the corn folk ♪

♪ Strutting to the Promised Land... ♪

TV ANCHORMAN: In the latest polls,

Mays Gilliam is up just one point to ten percent,

while Vice President Brian Lewis still holds a commanding 84%.

Six percent are undecided, saying they don't know

who they're voting for-- they just know it's not Gilliam.

Mays, when you get out there, listen to the crowd.

Talk to them.

I mean, make it look like

you believe in what you're saying.

Okay.

I know we haven't exactly always seen eye to eye,

but this, Mays, is very important.

I can't stress that enough.

Alderman Gilliam?

There's a Mitch Gilliam outside.

He says he's your brother.

Mitch? Send him in.

DEBRA: Tonight, America is going to get

its first impressions of Mays Gilliam.

You know what they say about first impressions.

( grunts )

Oh! Oh...

Look at my little brother, man!

Man, I thought you said

you were going to call me when you got into town!

MAYS: I was trying to call you, man,

but I've been doing press all day.

My little brother running for President.

Let me introduce you to Martin Geller,

Debra Lassiter.

What's happening with you, baby?

Thank you for what you're doing for my brother.

Appreciate it.

And how about you, thriller?

What's going on? Nice to meet you.

And what do you do for a living?

Well, um... I'm a bail bondsman.

I got an office on the South Side.

( chuckling ): Bail bondsman.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Wow. A bail bondsman.

Well, that...

that's...

How's business?

I'll tell you how business is.

Business is great.

Thank God for crime.

( laughing )

Thank God for crime.

Could y... could y'all give us a minute?

Five.

Yeah...

Nice. Real nice.

Look at you, man!

I see you all on the shows, politicking.

Come on over here.

Like the way your campaign going?

MITCH: Look at this.

Let me ask you something, little brother.

When they gonna let you speak?

I've been talking all day, man.

I was talking to the press this morning.

You been talking, but I'm saying

when they gonna let you speak your mind?

This ain't you. You going to say this shit?

This shit is booty.

You go out there and say this if you want to,

watch sandman come sweep your butt offstage.

Look at this. You got a poster:

"Mays"-- who they talking about? Willie?

( chuckling ): Let me tell you something, Mays.

These are everyday common folk,

working people out there.

These are laborers, construction workers, nurses.

You play the game when you working for them.

This is your campaign.

You're supposed to be in charge.

( door opens )

It's time, Mays.

I got to go.

I love you, man,

and I'm with you no matter what.

Okay?

Go get 'em.

I'll see you out there, all right?

All right.

Hey, Mays... speak.

( crowd cheering )

MAN ( over P.A. ): Chicago, please welcome your next President,

Alderman Mays Gilliam!

What the hell is he doing?

You know, they had a speech written for me...

about what the people need,

but you guys are the people.

( crowd agreeing )

You know what you need.

Better schools. MAN: Yes, sir!

Better jobs.

WOMAN: Oh, yeah.

Less crime. MAN: Right on!

WOMAN: Tell it!

How many of you, right now, work two jobs

just to have enough money to be broke?

MAYS: That ain't right.

MAN: Sounds like my brother-in-law!

If you work two jobs,

and at the end of the week,

you got just enough money to get your broke butt home,

let me hear you say, "That ain't right!"

CROWD: That ain't right!

MAYS: How many of you

have children that they call stupid?

Don't be ashamed!

It ain't your fault.

I asked my niece the other day, "What's four plus four?"

She said, "44."

But that ain't her fault!

That's the school's fault.

Now, if your child's school has old-ass books

and brand-new metal detectors,

let me hear you say, "That ain't right!"

CROWD: That ain't right! That ain't right!

MAYS: It ain't right! And now we got

these corporations stealing all the money.

They ain't stealing their money. They stealing our money!

The pension.

You work for 35 years.

You thought you was gonna leave your kids a will,

now you gonna leave 'em a won't!

You show up to get your pension,

they give you a pen!

Give you a damn pen!

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with a pen?

I should just stab you in the neck with this pen, Mr. Pension Taker.

Get your hand out of my pocket!

Taking everybody's pension and nobody going to jail.

That's some bullshit, man. That's some bullshit.

Meanwhile you or I, we steal a Big Mac with cheese,

next thing you know we're on death row.

( all shouting )

How many of you work in a city you can't afford to live in?

That ain't right!

( shouting )

How many of you

work in a mall that you can't afford to shop in?

That ain't right!

How many of you clean up a hotel

you ain't never gonna be able to stay in?

That ain't right!

CROWD: That ain't right! That ain't right!

( clamoring )

And we got nurses that work in hospitals

that they can't even afford to get sick in.

CROWD: That ain't right!

It ain't right!

It ain't right! It ain't right!

It isn't right!

That shit is wrong.

( cheering )

MAYS: It's dead wrong!

I'm Mays Gilliam,

and I'm running for President of the United States of America.

CROWD ( chanting ): That ain't right!

( chanting ): That ain't right! That ain't right!

MARTIN: No questions.

Sorry.

Where's Mitch? Mays! Mays! Mays!

You go to work.

Handle your business.

If you need me, you call me, hear?

I'm gonna call you.

MITCH: Get that camera out of my face.

Are you insane?

You can't just go out in front of 5,000 people

and just talk! And you said "shit."

Presidential candidates do not say "shit."

You show me a grown man that's never said "shit"

and I'll show you somebody that's full of shit.

Debra, hold on.

What you just did,

( sighs )... that was great.

Maybe you're right-- maybe we could tailor

the speeches more to you.

My speeches?

Come on, did you hear them?!

Guys, if this thing is gonna work,

then it's got to fit me.

It's got to be my campaign, okay?

This is not your campaign.

You will do what I tell you to,

or you'll be back in D.C. on your damn bicycle.

Hey, I'm the one that's running for President here.

Now, if we're gonna run this campaign,

it's gotta go my way. Mays...

We're gonna do it the way I want it done.

Now hold on.

I-I don't know if that's such a good idea.

Hey, if you don't know, you better ask somebody.

( intro to "Who We Be" playing )

♪ What they don't know is, the bull, the drama ♪

♪ The ..., the armor, the city, the farmer, the babies ♪

♪ The mama, what? ♪

♪ The projects, the drugs, the children, the thugs ♪

♪ The tears, the hugs, the love, the slugs... ♪

NEWS ANCHORWOMAN: After a slow start,

Mays Gilliam has made some dramatic changes

in his presidential campaign.

♪ They don't know ♪ ♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da ♪

♪ Who we be ♪ ♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da ♪

♪ They don't know ♪ ♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da ♪

♪ Who we be... ♪

MAYS: Hi. I'm Mays Gilliam,

candidate for President of the United States.

This is my new headquarters.

The individuals you see before you

will help me guide my campaign.

These are my people.

♪ They don't know ♪ ♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da... ♪

AD ANNOUNCER: Mays Gilliam is turning the establishment on its ear

with his new controversial campaign ads.

♪ Who we be ♪ ♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da ♪

♪ They don't know ♪ ♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da... ♪

AD ANNOUNCER 2: If you love America, vote Mays Gilliam for President.

Paid for by Citizens for Mays Gilliam.

( slow, funky music playing )

ANNOUNCER: The part of Mays Gilliam's Security Director

will now be played by Muhammad Muhammad Muhammad.

Child care is one of the most important issues

facing this country today.

The working mother has to take her child to a nanny.

The nanny has to take her child to a baby-sitter.

The baby-sitter has to take her child to day care.

Now on the count of three, I want everybody

to take care of their own damn kids!

Whose baby is this? Whose baby is it?

It ain't mine.

Gay people want what every other American wants:

A good house, a good job!

I believe in gay rights because when I see gay people,

all I'm seeing are people,

normal people like every other American.

( all cheering ) ( disco music playing )

Thank you, thank you for inviting me

to the Player's Ball!

( cheering )

Now, America needs to change its ways.

I promise, if I'm your President,

I will take care of everybody:

big business and small business, show business and ho business.

( all cheering )

( phone ringing )

( phone beeps ) Hello, Debra.

Bill, I am in Detroit at a Player's Ball

with pimps and whores.

Excuse me-- "hoes"!

But, listen, I can't do this.

You got to get me out of here.

I can't control him!

He won't listen to me!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Debra.

No, no, no, I-I need you out there, and this is going great.

But...

Now, look, look, this is what we wanted.

I love this guy. "That ain't right!"

He really thinks he can make a difference.

Bill...?

Yeah, look, Debra, stop worrying.

This will work out fine. Bye.

Don't I know you?

( yelling ): No!

( R&B intro playing )

♪ He feels good, things are going his way ♪

♪ He just might be the President someday... ♪

( crowd cheering )

( marching band playing R&B melody)

What do you think about the band?

DEBRA: I love the band.

( drums beating R&B rhythm )

( horns playing melody )

Mays, darling?

I've been thinking. I want a small wedding,

but I think I want 150, maybe 200 people.

And I know I've always said

I wanted a wedding in a church,

but lately, I've been thinking

about the Botanical Gardens.

We could do it by the tulips.

Oh, it'll be beautiful, Mays.

Security! ( Kim screams )

( car door slams, tires screech )

( R&B drumming continues )

Who the hell is Mays Gilliam?

He's running against you, sir.

What happened to, uh, Gaines?

He died in a plane crash.

Get out of here!

Gaines is dead?

Don't you remember? It was on the news.

Not my news.

This fella Gilliam is an alderman from D.C.

He took Gaines' place, sir.

I'm running against this guy?

Yes, sir.

( chuckling ): Well...

This is some bullshit.

This is my time.

I've been Vice President for eight years.

I am a war hero, and I am Sharon Stone's cousin!

And I'll be damned if I'm going to let

my election be ruined by this asshole!

I want this guy done.

You hear me? Finish him!

He will be destroyed, sir, as you wish.

ANNOUNCER: This is the White House without Mays Gilliam.

Peaceful, isn't it?

Now, this is the White House if Gilliam is elected.

( ominous music plays on TV )

Let's keep Mays Gilliam out of the White House.

Vote Brian Lewis for President.

It's your last chance.

How do you want to handle this?

Well, I don't want to go negative.

Mays!

Hold on, nobody wants to hear that.

I want people to vote for me, not against Lewis.

Well, people don't know what they want to hear.

Mays, we have to respond.

I think we go with something measured, accurate.

Let's call him on his record!

You can't challenge Lewis on his record

when Mays doesn't have one. How about a massage?

STADIUM ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome presidential candidate Mays Gilliam!

( crowd cheering )

Yeah!

( crowd cheering )

ANNOUNCER: Mays Gilliam, everybody!

Thank you! Thank you!

RADIO HOST: This is conservative talk 520.

You're listening to Big Dave.

Negative ads. Lewis is up, Gilliam is down.

I think it's great! You know, bottom line,

I don't think I'd want Gilliam and his homeys

to be in the White House.

( crowd cheering ) Thank you! Thank you!

BIG DAVE: People are saying these ads are dirty politics.

I say give me a small break!

I mean, we're not talking about running a... a rib shack,

we're talking about running a country!

He's running for President,

and every vote counts.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mays Gilliam!

CROWD ( chanting ): Mays! Mays! Mays!

BIG DAVE: And, you know, if these ads are so bad,

why hasn't Gilliam said anything? Caller...

WOMAN ( on radio ): Howard Stern rocks!

You're on with Big Dave.

MAN ( on radio ): The reason Gilliam hasn't responded,

is because he has too much integrity.

( crowd booing ) ( Mays grunting and yelping )

Hey, Mays, we just got endorsements

from Raekwon the Chef and Ghost Face Killa.

Is this good?

It's great.

Where are we on this running mate thing?

I've been making calls.

Nobody wants to run with you.

Well, who'd you call?

DEBRA: Everybody.

Did you call Hammer?

No, I did not call Hammer.

Well, then you didn't call everybody.

WOMAN: Mr. Gilliam, can I have your autograph?

I'll be right back.

Should we call Hammer?

No!

( women giggling )

Say "cheese."

TV ANNOUNCER: Mays Gilliam did not attend this year's annual rally

against cancer.

Is Mays Gilliam for cancer or against cancer?

Mays Gilliam-- he's for cancer.

Vote Brian Lewis for President.

It's your last chance.

( crowd shouting ) [ Cancer lover! ]

No, no, he does not get away with this crap!

Okay, this is what we're gonna do.

You ever watch Bugs Bunny?

Bugs Bunny?

Him and Elmer Fudd would fight all the time,

and Bugs would shoot him in the face,

and Bugs would drop a anvil on his head.

But you know what made Elmer really mad?

When Bugs Bunny kissed him.

And that's what we gotta do, we got to kiss this bitch.

How do you propose we do that? MAYS: Well, watch this.

Hi, I'm a Klansman.

I hate niggers, Jews and fags.

But I love Brian Lewis.

( speaking in Arabic )

MAN ( translating ): Yo, yo, wassup?

I'm Osama Bin Laden.

I hate America, but I love Brian Lewis.

ANNOUNCER: Paid for by Osama bin Laden.

TV ANCHORWOMAN: Sharon Stone is a defector.

That's what Lewis campaign insiders are saying

about the Hollywood star and cousin of Vice President

Brian Lewis, after Stone's surprise endorsement

of Mays Gilliam.

I don't believe it! I don't...

( knocking ) Yeah?

REPORTER: ...pundits are calling him a legitimate contender.

I know!

I know. Did you hear...?

( ominious music playing )

What are you doing here?

Gilliam is over 30 points.

So that means, even if he loses,

he's the front-runner in 2008.

Now, in case you've forgotten,

I intend to run for President in 2008,

and I am not running against him.

So this is over.

Now either you put a stop to it or I will.

I came onboard to run a campaign

for a man we didn't expect to win,

not to sabotage him so he'd lose.

Oh, come on, Debra, you're in this as thick as I am.

Of course he's supposed to lose!

That's why we picked him.

Now, are you with me... or are you with him?

I thought you wanted what was best for the party.

I'm what's best for the party!

Oh. What's the matter, Bill?

Democracy doesn't work for you when you're not winning?

I'm with him.

I'm with him?

( "Disco Inferno" playing )

Who are these people again?

The Urban Business Board. Okay, we're ready.

Hey, what are your plans for Social Security?

Give it to old people.

What are your plans on global warming?

Global ice tea.

You the man! You the woman!

♪ Burn, baby, burn! ♪ ( crowd cheering )

Mays, I want to introduce you

to Chester Norris Allen.

Hey.

He owns a bottling plant in D.C.,

and I spoke to him about our problem.

We've got a nice check for you. Sorry, but we can't

take your money, 'cause you guys

sell malt liquor to kids.

I do no such thing.

Aw, come on, man.

It's orange beer

with a nipple top.

Now who's that for?

It's "Crib Malt Liquor," man!

He's unbelievable!

Damn it, Mays. We need that money.

Why do you make everything so difficult?

It's "Crib Malt Liquor."

"Crib Malt Liquor"?

"Just like Mama used to make"?

Whose mama? Not my mama!

TV ANCHORWOMAN: The situation is getting tense

with the threat of the bus line being shut down.

Now, protestors took their concerns to transit officials,

but talks broke down when the newly-appointed alderman,

Reginald Shannon,

was punched in the face by an angry protester.

Oil talks resumed...

Good evening, sir.

Yeah, what's up, Nikki?

Well, I noticed you weren't at the party,

so I thought...

if there is anything you would like for me to do,

I would be happy to.

Could I ask you something?

Yes.

You know, you seem like a nice girl.

How'd you get into this line of work?

Oh.

Well... I...

went to the University of Nebraska

where I majored in theater and communications.

I did some extra work

in a couple things that went straight to video.

Whoo!

Okay.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah, sure.

Since I've been here, you haven't really given me

any... assignments.

I was wondering if you find me attractive.

Oh, I... I think you're...

I think you're very attractive.

It's just that...

I like to get to know people

before I get involved.

I don't mean to be out of line, sir,

but, um... are you?

( whispering ): Am I what?

Trying to get to know somebody.

( sighs )

It is late.

I'm outta here.

Girl, you need to take a cab.

I'll be fine.

I'm just gonna walk.

CO-WORKER: Take a cab!

I'll be fine. I'll walk.

Need a ride?

LISA: So where we going?

MAYS: Just thought I'd give you a little tour.

( romantic R&B music playing )

♪ I can tell you how I feel about you night and day ♪

♪ How I feel about you... ♪

Now, if you look over there, it's the Lincoln Memorial.

Now, Lincoln freed the slaves,

but before he did it,

he said, "First, you gotta build me a statue."

( laughing )

Now, right there is the Jefferson Memorial.

Now, Jefferson had a black mistress.

He said, "All men are created equal,

but black women got the nicest ass."

( laughing ) He said it.

That's the Treasury.

Now, if you look real hard in the window,

you can see Oprah counting her money.

( laughing )

Yep. One and trillion one... ( Lisa laughing )

...one and trillion two...

Hey, Oprah!

♪ I can tell you how I feel ♪

♪ About you night and day... ♪

LISA: I mean, what's it like,

like, traveling all over the country

and-and-and meeting all those people?

( romantic song begins )

I like it. I like traveling.

I like meeting the people.

It's just sometimes...

you don't know if people like you for you.

You know what I mean?

Well, I like you for you.

And I think you're okay.

Just okay? I'm just playing.

( chuckling )

( birds chirping )

You know, I forgot how nice D.C. was.

I mean, I'm always working.

I never get a chance to check it out.

Well, maybe you need to take advantage

of what's in front of you.

I mean, you never know.

You may look up someday, and it just might not be there.

MAN ( yelling ): Freeze!

Oh, God!

Put your hands up in the air,

and step away from Mr. Gilliam!

It's okay! It's okay!

MAYS: What are you doing?!

DEBRA: What are you doing?

You can't just go dashing off

in the middle of the night with some damn girl!

MARTIN: Mays, something's happened.

We got to pack and get out of here.

Right now.

Will somebody make sure that she gets home safely?

Come on.

DEBRA: We have a plane waiting for us.

RADIO REPORTER: In Florida today,

guns and explosives were found

in a junior high school student's locker.

No one was injured in the incident,

but with just six weeks till election day,

this could be a hot-button issue for both parties.

Now, back to the Jay-Z song already in progress.

( Jay-Z rap plays )

Muhammad, get me a gun

in case another one of these kids tries to get crazy.

This could work in our favor.

Florida is a big Second Amendment state.

DEBRA: This is serious, Mays.

This is not the Player's Ball.

Now, you can cut into Lewis' numbers here.

Just talk about the kids, not about the guns.

If I get shot, everybody's fired.

REPORTER: Mr. Gilliam!

One question here.

Alderman Gilliam, there's been an outcry

that something needs to be done about school violence.

If you get into the White House,

what do you plan to do about this?

Well, I feel that we need to talk to our kids...

( helicopter approaching ) Because our kids are...

( patriotic march playing over P.A. )

( march ends )

MARTIN: Excuse me.

LEWIS: Hello, children.

Good morning.

I'm so sorry this happened.

All right, pay attention.

This is going to be a class: Bullshit 101.

Ladies and gentlemen,

our American children are hurting today

and I think we need to reach out to them

and give them all a good old-fashioned American hug.

Now, America is the greatest country

on the face of the earth.

And I just want to say today,

God bless America...

and no place else.

Thank you.

Thank you, children.

No more bombs now.

And don't use guns.

Now that went well.

That was very touching.

Kids really like me.

You were very genuine.

They responded.

I tried to hug a girl and a boy so I wouldn't seem sexist.

V.P. Lewis.

Mr. Vice President.

Well, welcome to the show, Alderman Gilliam.

I'm surprised

you're not off somewhere with your little girlfriend.

How'd you know about her?

I'm the government, son.

I know everything.

Sir, we really should debate.

( chuckling )

Let's get something straight, Gilliam.

I don't know you and I don't like you.

Party's over, Gilliam.

I'm fixing to whup your ass, you got it?

( patriotic march blaring )

Sir, we really should debate!

God bless America, and no place else!

Sir, we just got this off the uplink.

What is it?

It's an off-the-record comment by Mays Gilliam.

Bad?

Yes, sir.

Good work.

NIKKI: Oh, oh, it's on.

You guys, come here.

ANCHORWOMAN: Vice President Lewis was on the scene

comforting parents and students.

LEWIS: Hello, my young Americans.

MARTIN: The press is in Lewis' back pocket.

LEWIS: Good morning, children.

ANCHORWOMAN: In this CNB News exclusive

our cameras caught Gilliam making what was arguably

the most controversial statement of the day.

What?

What do you expect? They act like us.

We're bombing countries all the time.

If I was 12, I'd probably have a gun, too.

Tell me you didn't say that.

I didn't know the camera was on me.

I was just playing around with some sound guy.

You didn't know the camera was on you?

You didn't know the camera was on you?

Of course the camera's on you! It's always on you!

You're running for President! I told you right from the beginning.

I don't want to hear another word from you. This is all your fault.

Gilliam is now under investigation by the FBI

for his involvement with this man, friend and associate

and accused drug lord, Warren Pryor.

Oh, Lord, we're going to jail.

We're not going to jail.

Is it true?

Hey, what's up, Warren?

I know him, but I don't

"drug lord" know him.

It's just a guy I see around the way I say, "What's up?" to.

But I don't know him know him.

DEBRA: Do you have any drugs on you?

You better get them off right now

because I'm not going to jail for you.

Are you on the pipe?

( booing )

♪ Every time you're doing good trouble just pops up ♪

♪ He doesn't know what he's gonna do ♪

♪ He doesn't know what he's gonna do ♪

♪ This is messed up, this really sucks ♪

♪ Keep your head up, it's your best bet ♪

♪ Let's just hope the election's not through... ♪

And I repeat, if you see Mays Gilliam,

please do not call the authorities.

Just do whatever you can to make his life a living hell.

WOMAN: Sir, could you...? No more questions!

If I say Mays Gilliam, I'm gonna bust a cap in his ass.

BIG DAVE: Gilliam is done.

As Big Dave says, "Waah, waah."

God... What am I going to do?

What are you worried about?

It's not like your face is on the side of a bus.

I mean, I'm the one

who's going to take a hit for this.

Why don't we just get me on the news

so I can make a statement, apologize?

I mean, that's what the people want to hear.

You're probably right.

Mmm, make a statement of some kind.

Try and sound sincere.

Just give me a break!

Do you think you can just say

you're sorry and all this is going to go away?

Mays, you're running for President

of the United States of America.

Do you have any idea why they chose you?

( crowd cheering )

( gunshot )

We picked you because you're the guy that had...

Shut up!

You're here to lose, Mays.

Arnot picked you so you could lose.

Come on, Mays, just think about it.

If they really had any idea that they could win this thing,

do you think they would've chosen

an ignorant-ass nigger like you?

Okay, wait up.

I know you're not calling me an ignorant nigger

and thinking that you're staying on my bus.

I am not getting off this bus.

I mean, we're in the middle of nowhere.

So now you need a ride from an ignorant nigger?

I am not getting off this bus.

Apologize.

No! Security!

( screaming )

( tires screeching )

So you knew about this all along, huh?

Mays...

( coughs )

Is there trouble inside the Gilliam campaign?

That's what Washington insiders want to know

after Gilliam's chief advisor, Debra Lassiter,

left the campaign trail.

ANCHORMAN: Down in the polls,

Gilliam still has no running mate.

ANCHORMAN 2: Sources say the Teamsters may endorse Lewis.

ANCHORWOMAN 2: Did Gilliam kill JonBenet Ramsey?

Police want to know. ANCHORMAN 2: The big question:

Where is Mays Gilliam?

BIG DAVE: Where is Mays Gilliam?

I'll tell you where he's at. He's with his peeps!

( phone ringing )

Hello?

Hey, you up?

I was hoping you would call. Where are you? You okay?

I don't know. I mean, I guess I'm all right.

Okay, come on, talk to Mama.

I don't know. It seems like they're trying to get me.

Everywhere I turn they're trying to put a foot in my ass.

Well, after what you said,

you need a foot put up in your ass.

I mean, what did you expect?

They were just going to make you president?

It's like they take a poll for everything I do.

You ever been to a horse race?

My dad, he used to take me all the time when I was little.

You know, the horses, they wear blinders.

They don't even see each other.

They just run their race.

So don't worry about Lewis.

Don't worry about the press.

Just... run your race.

Okay, let me ask you something. Okay.

What are you wearing?

Oh, now, you know you need to stop.

( crickets chirping )

Man, news travels fast.

Not ten minutes after you fired me,

I had two offers for jobs.

Good offers. What are you doing here?

I know you got no reason to trust me,

but I'm asking you to.

You've got five weeks left.

I know Lassiter is out, but I think...

I think I can help you do this.

I want to help you.

And... I'm sorry, Mays.

I don't know what else to say.

But... as bad as things look, I don't think you should quit.

Who said I was quitting?

I wish I could quit.

I wish it was that easy.

You're lucky.

You are so lucky.

You don't know how good you got it.

You just represent yourself.

Me?

I represent my whole race.

If I quit,

there won't be another black candidate for 50 years.

All right.

We can get rid of the school thing

with a statement that'll blow things over

but we need to pick a running mate.

Well, who am I supposed to pick?

Nobody wants to run with me.

We need somebody we can trust.

What...?

Who do you trust?

ANCHORWOMAN: In the midst of his own Cinderella story,

presidential candidate Mays Gilliam is shaking it up.

He's chosen his brother, Mitch Gilliam,

a bail bondsman from Chicago, as his running mate.

ANCHORMAN: Political analysts say this may be too little, too late.

Hi, I'm with the Pork Commission...

♪ Yeah, yeah... ♪

I'm from the Athlete's Foot Foundat...

♪ On the train, on the train... ♪

What's up?

Hey, can you get my demo tape to somebody?

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

( funky soul melody playing )

Are these your bags, sir?

Look at my shoes and look at the bags.

Shut up and follow me.

Mays. Mitch.

Back up, back up, back up, back up.

( grunting )

( laughing )

♪ Yeah... ♪

Mr. Gilliam, what do you have to say

about your brother's recent controversial comments?

My gosh, lady,

my brother said he was sorry.

I mean, let it go.

See, that's why nobody like your ass.

( laughing )

MAYS: We got a lot of work to do, man.

We way behind in the polls.

Am I getting paid for this? Oh, yeah.

Come on, let's do this.

Mitch Gilliam, you're running for the vice presidency

of the United States of America. You're a bail bondsman.

You have no Washington experience,

you have no political experience,

you have no political connections.

How does being a bail bondsman

qualify you to be the Vice President

of the United States of America?

That's right, I am a bail bondsman.

People come to me when they in trouble,

like the United States.

We bail people out. We bail out Mexico,

we bail out the savings and loan,

we bail out the airline industry.

Now you ask me, sir,

what qualify me to run for Vice President.

When the country's in trouble,

I'll bail 'em out.

Hold that thought. We have a caller from Detroit.

Go ahead, caller. MAN: Hey, Mitch.

What you looking around for? It's Reggie, mother( bleep ).

Where my money at, man? Don't call with that bullshit.

You see I'm on TV.

What about NATO? How do you feel about NATO?

Should it be...? I never met Nato.

I don't know nothing about it.

I don't talk about people behind they back.

NATO is the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.

Oh, but you, oh, you didn't say that.

I thought you were talking about...

I know this guy named Nato. N-Nato Jacobs, you know.

But you have to know these things.

If you're running for public office...

Do you know Nato Jacobs?

I know... Do you know Nato Jacobs?

I know what NATO is. Do you know Nato Jacobs?

Uh, I'm sorry, I haven't met the gentleman.

That's what I said. Didn't I say that?

You don't know nothing about Nato.

I don't know nothing about NATO.

So, why are you out here today

since inmates don't have the right to vote?

Babe, it's not about the vote.

We're looking out for the convicts.

See, we want to make sure, man,

when they get out, that they stay out.

The better the education, they become more productive citizens.

That's what my brother and I are about.

Mitch! What's up, man?

Hey, Shorty G. Good to see you, boy!

Come here. Hey, hey, hey.

This is Shorty G. I arrested his ass.

I thought you'd gotten the chair, boy.

ANCHORWOMAN: Mr. Gilliam,

how would you deal with white-collar crime?

MITCH: First of all, there's no such thing

as white-collar crime.

And there's definitely no such thing as black-on-black crime.

Crime is crime.

Let me explain something to you.

I don't care if you have

a white collar or a tank top.

If you rob me, I'm gonna whup your ass.

( laughs )

TV REPORTER: I'm Janet Silvers,

reporting live in Washington, D.C., where transit operators...

I wish we'd get into the White House, little brother.

Why, so you could have a cookout?

NIKKI: Mays, they were just talking about your ward.

MARTIN: Yeah, what's going on down there?

Well, they want to cut bus service

until they finish this construction project.

I should go down there.

For what, so you can blow up the bus line?

Well, one thing at a time.

The Teamsters haven't endorsed Lewis yet.

Our numbers are creeping back up.

But if we want a real shot at this thing,

we've got to get Lewis to debate.

Well, he knows that, that's why he won't debate me.

The guy's avoiding me like he owes me child support.

The man is scared. Man, he's holding the ball

hoping the clock will run out.

That's a punk move.

Ducking and hiding like a little bitch.

Well, that may be, but he's not going to debate you

because you call him a little bitch.

And we feel that what this community needs...

What the community needs

is for you to debate me right now.

You want to tell the people something, tell them that.

♪ I thought I told you that we won't stop ♪

♪ I thought I told you that we won't stop. ♪

Well, now, my agenda...

I'll tell you about our agenda.

Our agenda is to have a debate right now.

You need to get rid of this zero

and talk to the hero.

What, you got time to jog,

but you don't got time to debate?

You can run, but you can't hide.

♪ I thought I told you that we won't stop ♪

What you looking for, the news?

The news is we want a debate. No!

What'd you change the channel for? He's scared!

He's scared, he's scared. Oh, God...

Here's a word from our sponsor. We want a debate.

♪ I thought I told you that we won't stop ♪

♪ I thought I told you that we won't stop ♪

♪ I thought I told you that we won't stop... ♪

( screaming ): No!

Yo, Lewis. Your mother's ass is so big,

when she sits down she's three feet taller.

Yo, Lewis, your mother got a really big ass!

Sir, I think it's time we prepare for a debate.

Oh, give me one good reason I should debate that jerk.

He talked about your mother, sir.

So what?

Are you going to just let him

talk about me like that?

After some inventive chiding

on the part of Alderman Mays Gilliam,

Vice President Lewis has finally agreed to one debate

the night before the election.

So, baby brother, this is it, man.

You ready?

All right, I guess.

What do you mean, you guess? You don't know?

You either ready or you ain't.

Hey, man, what's the problem, man?

I-I'm ready, okay. I'm ready.

No, you ain't.

Look at you.

If you call this ready, this ain't gonna get it.

You got to dress for the job you want

not for the job you got.

Wait, man, I know you ain't talking about my clothes.

Come on, now, come on. This ain't about me.

If I got a good idea,

it shouldn't matter what I'm wearing. ( grunts )

Uh-oh.

You know you messed up, man.

Boy, I'm telling you right now.

You know, this ain't about me.

( grunts )

Okay?

Lewis ain't no punk. He ain't no joke.

That man been Vice President

for eight years, okay?

He's a war hero.

He's Sharon Stone cousin.

You better come correct.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Yeah, that's right.

Well, I got us this far!

( groaning )

See, this as far as you gonna get.

Oh, oh, it's like that?

That's the way it is.

See, Geller and them up there pumping your head up,

but Lewis gonna slap it back down.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

( laughs )

Go ahead.

Come on!

Oh, my God.

Little brother, you all right?

( grunts )

That's what you get.

You need anything,

'cause it look like you need some help.

You gonna get yours!

I'm gonna tell Ma!

You better not tell.

( phone ringing )

Hello?

Debra?

Mays. No, Mays, I don't...

Look, don't intrude in my life anymore.

I don't want to have anything to do with you,

not after the way you treated me.

I'm sorry. I am sorry.

I'm sorry I threw you off the bus.

It was wrong. I just couldn't take

what you were saying at the time.

Mays, what do you want?

I want to win.

WOMAN: Welcome to New York City ( crowd cheering )

for the 2004 Presidential Debates.

Where is he? I don't know.

He said he was right behind me.

Think I should go look for him? People are getting nervous.

We've got to do something. I can do something.

No. No.

MODERATOR: Ladies and gentlemen,

Vice President Brian Lewis.

( applause )

MAN: Hello, Mr. Vice President!

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Here they come, here they come.

Sweet.

Hello, Martin.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to change.

Mr. Earl, nice to see you.

Nice to see you, too, sir.

Let's move.

Mays, there are 250 million people out there

deciding who to vote for.

They all know Lewis didn't want to debate.

Just show them why. Stay focussed.

Take your time.

If you get out of pocket, you put your foot in his ass.

By the way, nice suit.

Faba?

FUBU. Even I knew that.

Mays.

MODERATOR: Ladies and gentlemen,

Alderman Mays Gilliam.

( cheering )

( scattered chuckling )

( applause continues )

( deep bass line plays )

( women cooing )

Yo, when Martin comin' on, man?

My mama told me to whup your butt.

( applause continues )

...the first question is directed

by coin flip to the Vice President.

Vice President Lewis,

what steps should be taken

to limit our youth's access to violent materials?

Our American children's futures are at stake here.

Now I say we need to study this issue

and appropriate legislation that will return us

to an America that we can be proud of.

God bless America and no place else.

( applause )

Alderman Gilliam... same question, please.

How do we limit violent material?

Turn it off.

And if the kids cut it back on, knock 'em out.

That's why I don't smoke.

When I was a kid, my daddy caught me smoking

and he knocked me out.

And to this day, I don't smoke.

Not because I'm scared of cancer.

I don't smoke 'cause I think my dad's

gonna walk through that door and knock me the hell out.

Knock out your kids. It helps.

( applause )

( murmurs of approval )

( scattered chuckles )

( cheering loudly )

Yes!

MODERATOR: Vice President Lewis,

with over 10,000 gun deaths per year in the United States,

do you believe we need stricter gun control laws?

I don't think we need more gun control.

I say we enforce the laws that are already on the books.

See, the problem is, nobody reads the books.

What we need to do is start putting laws on videos.

'Cause everybody watches videos. MTV, BET.

We need to put some laws on the Nelly video.

( murmuring ) If you had some laws

on a Destiny's Child video right now, you could stop crime.

We already have gun licensing.

But that's only to carry the gun.

I say we let the people decide.

The people can't decide.

The people are too busy getting shot in the ass.

( cheering and applause )

( applause continues )

That's my brother.

Well, that's another reason that I say he's not qualified.

Why, 'cause I had the good sense

to pick my big brother to be my running mate?

All right, Alderman, I didn't come here to argue with you.

Oh, yes, you did. We're having a debate.

A debate ain't nothing but an argument.

A debate isn't the same thing as an argument.

Oh, yes, it is. No, it isn't.

Oh, yes, it is! No, it isn't!

Oh, yes, it is! No, it isn't!

I know you are, but what am I? I know you are, but what am I?

I know you are, but what am I?

I know you are, but what am I?

BOTH: I know you are, but what am I?

I know you are, but what am I?

Can we just move on? This is ridiculous.

MODERATOR: Gentlemen,

our next question comes from...

I have a question.

Would you like our reception

to be buffet style or formal seating?

Now, keep in mind, if you put Robert next to Nelson,

he's going to be very angry because he wanted

to be your best man, darling. Security.

Security. Security!

I love you so much... ( screaming )

( tires screeching )

The candidates have agreed upon a short closing speech.

Vice President Lewis

won the coin toss.

He has elected to go first.

Thank you.

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

Tonight, you have seen two different men

with two very different points of view battle to win your vote.

And this is what America is all about.

Now, as we've seen tonight, Alderman Gilliam

can be captivating and... and entertaining.

But America needs more than that

from its commander in chief.

To lead America, it takes experience.

Now, I've been Vice President for the last eight years.

I'm a war hero... and I'm Sharon Stone's cousin.

And to me,

America is like a fine performance car.

And now is not the time...

to turn this fine vehicle we call America

over to the hands of an amateur.

I'm Brian Lewis... and I am your last chance.

God bless America, and no place else.

( approving murmurs )

( chuckling )

Ah, yeah, it's over now.

Why do you have to be so negative?

( applause )

Give me five. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

( applause )

Hello.

( applause continues )

( sighs )

( applause )

MODERATOR: Alderman Gilliam?

Well, you're right, Vice President Lewis.

I am an amateur.

When it comes to creating so many enemies that we need

billions of dollars to protect ourselves, yes, I'm an amateur.

When it comes to paying farmers not to grow food

while people in this country starve every day,

yes, I'm an amateur.

When it comes to creating a drug policy that makes

crack and heroin cheaper than asthma and AIDS medicine,

yes, I'm an amateur.

But there's nothing wrong with being an amateur.

The people that started the Underground Railroad

were amateurs.

Martin Luther King was an amateur.

Have you ever been to Amateur Night at the Apollo?

Some of the best talent in the world was there.

James Brown, Luther Vandross,

Rockwell, the Crown Heights Affair...

Hall and Oates!

...the Fat Boys, Rob Base.

But you wouldn't know nothing about that. Why?

'Cause when it comes to judging talent and potential,

you, my friend, are an amateur.

( applause )

I believe the Alderman is over his time.

No, you don't. You had eight years to talk.

Now is my turn.

I'm gonna get mine. I'm getting mine!

( applause )

MODERATOR: Ladies and gentlemen,

hold your applause, please.

How can you help the poor if you never been poor?

How can you stop crime if you don't know no criminals?

How can you make drug policy

if you never smoked a chronic?

How can you do that?

Just a nickel bag.

I'm a real American.

I've been high, I've been robbed, I've been broke.

My credit is horrible.

They won't even take my cash!

Now, you're always talking about

"God bless America, and no place else,"

but isn't it obvious that God has blessed America?

America is the richest, most powerful nation on Earth.

If America was a woman,

America would be a big-titted woman.

And everybody loves a big-titted woman.

So in closing, I'd like to say

you are full of shit.

"God bless America and no place else."

How about "God bless Haiti"?

How about "God bless Africa"?

How about "God bless Jamaica"?

I'm not talking about Jamaica,

the beach tribes y'all love,

I'm talking about stabbing in Jamaica.

That's what I'm talking about.

So tonight, I want to say

God bless America,

and everybody else!

The whole world!

God bless you!

I'm Mays Gilliam, and I'm running

for President of the United States of America.

Ya heard?

( cheering and whistling )

( cheering )

Oh, yes! I told you! I told you!

( cheering and applause continue )

Yes! Oh, my God!

Now we can watch Martin!

( phone rings )

Hello?

Well, good morning, Mr. President.

Hey! Wh-What time is it?

I think it's a little after 7:00.

WOMAN: Lisa, I need some help in here.

Will you wait a damn minute?

Mays, I was so proud of you.

You were so good last night.

Okay, L-Lisa, tonight I want to see you, okay?

No-No matter what, win or lose, I want to see you.

I don't know. I might have to work.

But, look, if I don't see you tonight, I will see you soon.

Just... run your race, get out there,

and do what you got to do, okay?

And I'll talk to you later.

Bye-bye. All right.

ANCHORMAN: It's Election Day, Tuesday...

ANCHORMAN 2: It is Election Day, and this is set to be...

ANCHORWOMAN: The stage is set for what is sure to be

one of the most dramatic campaign finales of all time...

ANCHORMAN 3: The question everyone's asking is "Who will America vote for?"

Lewis!

I voted for Mays Gilliam.

I voted for big business. I voted for Lewis.

Who the fuck you think I'm voting for?

ANCHORWOMAN: There appears to be an agreement

between Washington, D.C., officials

and transit authority operators

regarding the shutdown of the Ninth Ward bus line.

I don't see how they could do this to us.

People got to make money.

People got to get to work.

Come on, show 'em how you do it.

Show 'em how you do it.

♪ Hey, the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. ♪

DEBRA: You're not going to believe this.

We got the Teamsters!

That's great, little brother.

They're going to announce

at a press conference later today.

All you have to do is show up,

shake some hands, take some photographs, but it is yours.

Mays, what's the matter?

If they shut down this bus service,

I will drive you to work myself.

( sighs ) Can't do it.

MARTIN: But it's Election Day!

You have to pick up this endorsement.

You said you want to win.

You can't snub the Teamsters.

Do you want 'em to endorse Lewis?

I'm not worried about Lewis. I'm running my race.

Go ahead, baby brother. I got this.

Now, Mays... Now-- Debra!

What? Y-Y-You-You just gonna let him go?

He's a grown man.

They shut down the whole bus line.

What can he do about that?

♪ Oh, it's gettin' hot in here ♪

♪ So hot ♪

♪ So take off all your clothes ♪

♪ I am gettin' so hot ♪ ♪ Oh ♪

♪ I want to take my clothes off... ♪

ANCHORWOMAN: In the latest exit poll,

Vice President Lewis has 51% of the vote.

I'll bring him right back. He gotta vote.

ANCHORMAN: ...while Mays Gilliam is posting an impressive 47%.

Hey, hey, hey.

You gotta get to the back of the bus.

( gasps )

I'm just playing. Come on!

ANCHORWOMAN: He and Vice President Lewis

are in a statistical dead heat.

MITCH: Come on! Vote, hoes!

ANCHORMAN: While Vice President Lewis and Mitch Gilliam have been working

the campaign trail, Mays Gilliam

has been out driving people to work.

♪ The roof, the roof is on fire! ♪

Why didn't somebody around here think of this?

Why am I not out there driving a damn bus or something?

Get me an SUV, or a minivan, or a bus, or a scooter,

or a motorcycle, or a rickshaw.

Get me some wheels, bitch!

Are you going uptown?

Come on, Mays! Wait a minute, Mays!

Mays, I was thinking,

we could write our own vows!

Mays! I love you!

I love you, Mays!

( clattering )

ANCHORWOMAN: With the polls

just about 30 minutes from closing here on the East Coast,

Mays Gilliam is actually ahead by several points.

( cheering )

There is no question that Lewis has Texas.

It seems clear Gilliam is going to take New York.

Yeah! Yeah! New York!

It's likely Lewis is going to take Michigan.

It looks like Gilliam might just pull an upset in Illinois.

Illinois! Illinois! Yeah! Go, Mays!

This looks like it may come down to California.

This looks like it may come down to California.

This looks like it may come down to California.

All right, I need to know. How real is this?

Can we win without California?

Well, sir, I still think we stand a good chance

if you call in your connections to the energy companies.

No, you can't win without California.

What the hell are you doing here?

Oh, shut up.

You want to win, you'll do what I tell you.

Gilliam has over 90 percent minority turnout.

The whites are still the majority,

but they're not voting.

They don't like you.

I like you, sir. Shut up.

Okay.

Well, what can we do to turn this around?

There's about one- and-a-half hours left

at the West Coast polls.

If there's a leak saying Gilliam is going to win,

you'll get a late rush.

You get California, you get the election.

( sniffs )

It'll make the 6:30 news if we do it now.

We just have to put it out there.

Can we do this?

We're the government. We can do anything.

ANCHORMAN: The race for President now turns to the West Coast.

BIG DAVE: People, Armageddon is upon us,

and Big Dave is scared!

ANCHORMAN 2: If the current voting trends sustain,

it appears likely that for the first time in our history,

a black man will become

President of the United States of America.

♪ One, two... one, two, three, yeah! ♪

( people yelling )

( rapid-fire rap playing )

( yelling predominates over rapid-fire rap song )

( screaming )

DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING: I have a dream

that, one day...

this nation will rise up

and live up to the meaning of its dream.

We hold these truths to be self-evident,

that all men are created equal.

Checkmate.

I, Richard Nixon, do solemnly swear...

I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear...

( rap song and yelling fade )

The race for President is over.

The race for President is over.

The election is now over.

The race for President... ...is over.

ANCHORMAN: Mays Gilliam-- ANCHORWOMAN: Brian Lewis--

Mays Gilliam-- Brian Lewis--

The race for President is over.

For the first time in history, a black man, Mays Gilliam...

( cheering )

...will be the next President of the United States of America.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Oh! Oh...

ANCHORMAN: ...of the United States of America.

( strangled gasp )

( clamoring )

Come here, brother. Come here.

I love you, man.

I love you, too, man.

( cheering wildly )

MAYS: Appreciate it. Thanks a lot.

Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

We won! We won! We won!

Aren't you happy?

Can I have a massage?

Yes!

I won! I won! I won!

Debra, there is no way in the world

I could have ever done this without you.

You're damn right.

We won! We did it! Yes!

We did it! We won! Yes, yes, yes!

( gunshot )

Look at my little brother! ( laughs )

Boy, I'm proud of you! Man!

Mr. President! Mr. Vice President.

You're the man! No, you the man!

You ain't gotta worry 'bout no assassination or nothing.

Why?

'Cause they sure don't want me to be the next President.

Little brother, you can raise taxes,

you can start a war....

ANCHORMAN: Mays Gilliam...

That's my man! That's my man!

Whoo!

ARNOT: Excuse me, please.

Mays!

Hey! Man, I been looking for you.

I was looking for you.

Mays, this is amazing.

It's amazing. It's incredible.

Incredible!

What you were up against...

The odds!

Ooh, I can't wait to start working,

and, boy, do I have a job for you.

Wow! I don't know what to say.

What department do you want me to work in? Finance?

No, no, no, no, that's not good enough for you.

Foreign Affairs?

No, not Foreign Affairs.

I thought you could do something

real good in... Security!

You suck!

( sobbing )

MARTIN: We'd like you to run for President.

MAYS: Sometimes, you don't know if people like you for you.

LISA: Well, I like you for you.

Thanks a lot. Thank you. Lisa!

Mays!

Get your hand off my ass, boy!

Wait!

Mays...

Oh, my God, you are everywhere.

Look at you!

Okay, so, what's the first thing

you're going to do, Mr. President?

Well, the first thing I'm going to do is make you my First Lady.

Mays, don't you play with me like that.

I'm not playing.

You can't do that!

I'm the government.

I can do anything.

♪ ♪

ANNOUNCER: Get ready for the 2005 Presidential Inaugural Ball.

Ladies and gentlemen, the President

of the United States of America, Mays Gilliam,

and his future First Wifey, Lisa Clark!

( applause )

♪ ♪

♪ Look at him now, man, ain't this great? ♪

♪ Biggest man in town, he's the head of state ♪

♪ They come from all around just for one handshake ♪

♪ Look at him now, he's the head of state... ♪

That's me, Mays Gilliam,

President of the United States of America.

North America.

( ping )

REPORTER: Who'd you vote for? For what?

For President. Of what?

Of the United States. Of what?

Of America. What America?

North America.

Yo, slick, I don't vote, man.

You gonna buy some of this meat, or what?

You can't trust nobody.

Everybody's trying to rob you. Nobody!

That guy, right there! Don't trust him!

Can't trust no-damn-body!

America's taking advantage of you, you and you!

You can go to war when you're 18,

but you can't have a drink until you're 21!

ALL: That ain't right!

You're right, that ain't right!

So let me get this straight.

You're 18 years old.

You go to war. You come back.

Your leg is chopped off.

You got a nub!

Everywhere you go, they say, "Hey, what's up, nubby?"

And you get to the bar, and you say,

"Bartender, can I have a drink?"

And he looks you up and down,

and he says, "I gotta see some I.D."

I.D.?!

You mean to tell me

a one-legged teenager can't have a drink?

ALL: That ain't right!

Where is the nub? Where is the nub?

Prescription drugs, I'm going to lower prices.

Let me explain something else to you.

You can survive a stroke.

But the high prices of medicine will give you a heart attack.

America is the richest, most powerful nation on Earth.

If America was a car, America would be a Bentley,

sitting on chrome doves, with TVs in the headrests,

and a fine, naked Puerto Rican girl feeding you grapes!

Ain't nothing better than that!

Ain't nothing ever been better than that!

IVAN SCOTT: Most political pundits are saying that your brother

destroyed any chance he had of winning this election

by naming you as his running mate. Why did he do that?

Why'd your brother pick you to be the anchorman?

I don't have a brother.

Oh, you said it was your brother at the time.

I did my homework the same way you did yours.

Okay? You got your job the same way I got mine.

I'm not running for public office.

And I'm not running for anchorman.

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