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1
00:00:13,070 --> 00:00:19,210
The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming
to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the
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00:00:19,210 --> 00:00:22,610
entertainment capital of the world, Las
Vegas, Nevada.
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Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful
Siegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded
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roast has brought together some of the
world's greatest entertainers.
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They've come from all over the world to
be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in
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person.
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Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.
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And our very special woman of the week
is Zaja Gabor.
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Well,
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tonight we salute Zaja.
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the most famous of the Gabor sisters.
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You all know the Gabor sisters, the
original gold diggers.
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Poor Zsa Zsa, she never had a childhood.
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She went right from kindergarten to the
marriage bureau.
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She's been married so many times, she's
got Uncle Ben on a retainer.
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She's got so many wedding rings on her
finger, when I kissed her hand tonight,
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thought I was kissing a package of
Lifesavers.
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Doesn't Jaja look great? It's a wonder
she's alive after all the blood tests
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she's taken for marriage licenses.
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I love your dress, but too much
cleavage.
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Oh, Jaja loves things like that. Oh, no,
it looks like the golden arches over
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McDonald's.
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But I'm sure everyone will agree that
Zsa Zsa is quite a woman. They even
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published a book about her life, but the
author wasn't the first one to capture
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her between covers.
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Men have always found her irresistible.
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The very first time Conrad Hilton met
Zsa Zsa, he proposed.
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The second time, he proposed marriage.
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That's true. Her marriage to Conrad
Hilton didn't last too long. She married
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at noon.
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Divorced him at two because checkout was
at three.
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Zaza, there's a lot of your friends and
admirers who couldn't be here tonight,
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but they've sent you some telegrams, and
I'd like to read some of them. First
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one.
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Oh, it comes from Senator Sam Irvin.
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Dear Zaza, will you marry me? I think I
could show you a few new wrinkles.
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It was so sweet of you to loan me your
pink chiffon gown tonight.
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I just hope it looks as nice on me as it
does on you. Signed, Truman Capote.
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This is one from the Immigration
Department of the Virgin Islands.
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Dear Mrs. Gabor, in answer to your
recent inquiry, you don't have to sign
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order to become a citizen.
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I think Donald O 'Connor starred in some
of the greatest musicals ever made in
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Hollywood, and I loved him when he
worked with Francis the Talking Mule.
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day they broke up.
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The mule felt that Donald was holding
him back.
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Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Donald O
'Connor.
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Thank you. Thank you, ladies and
gentlemen.
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And, Dean, I came here tonight to make a
confession.
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You see, this is something I've kept
secret for many years.
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Ladies and gentlemen, I was once married
to Zsa Zsa Gabor.
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Well, to this day, I remember every
detail of that wedding ceremony. The
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preacher said to Zsa Zsa, Do you take
this man? And she said, Yes, darling,
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everything he's worth.
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Well, I'll...
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Well, what a wedding night that was, and
I thought Francis the Mule was
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stubborn.
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Well, they bought an idyllic little
cottage and settled down.
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And then one day I came home from work,
and there was Zsa Zsa in her easy chair
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knitting tiny little booties.
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I said, Zsa Zsa, does this mean that
soon there will be the patter of little
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feet running around the house? And she
said, yes, darling, I'm dumping you for
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Willie Shoemaker.
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And I want to thank you, Zsa Zsa.
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You're lovely and you're precious and
you're a darling. And I'm happy to be
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here. And I'll have your check for you
on Thursday.
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Zsa Zsa, as a surprise to you, we've
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brought your personal hairdresser all
the way from the old country.
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Ladies and gentlemen.
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A warm welcome for Charles of Warsaw.
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The family, thank you. The family that
prays together, stays together.
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So there she sits, ladies and gentlemen,
in all her glory, as usual, surrounded
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by handsome men.
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That's why I like to hang around. It
gives me a chance to pick up the
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stragglers.
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No,
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seriously.
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I am just mad about primping Zsa Zsa's
hair. And I've primped all the crown
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heads of you.
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In fact, I'm known as the... No, it's
true. I am known.
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I might do Vegas.
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I am known as the biggest in Budapest.
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Look at it, ladies and gentlemen.
Gorgeous. And there she sits. Queen of
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surveys. And I say that as an expert on
queens.
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Jar Jar.
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Jar Jar.
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You may never have tried to fool Mother
Nature.
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But you certainly have father time going
bananas.
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In
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Hollywood,
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there are two main trade papers, Daily
Variety and The Hollywood Reporter, and
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there's one news and gossip column that
everybody in show business reads.
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I know. I read it every morning to find
out if I'm still happily married.
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It's written by a lady called Sue
Cameron.
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She's a columnist who really knows how
to get a story. In fact, she was the
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first one who found out that Liz and
Dick were drifting apart.
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She was lying in bed between them at the
time.
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Ladies and gentlemen, Sue Cameron.
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says that Zsa Zsa is the most fantastic
housekeeper in the world.
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True. Absolutely true.
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Every single time she gets a divorce,
she always keeps the house.
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Seriously, though, you know, when
anybody becomes famous like Zsa Zsa,
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get jealous. And that really explains a
lot of the nasty rumors about her that
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you hear.
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As a reporter whose job it is to sort
out fact from fiction, and I really do,
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happen to know that these rumors are
absolutely false. And I would like to
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this opportunity to lay a few of those
vicious stories to rest.
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First of all, it is not true that during
World War II, Zsa Zsa had a British
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secret agent in her bosom.
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Nor is it true that she has towels in
her bathroom reading hers.
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And whoever.
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You like that idea, right?
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It is not true, also, that Zsa Zsa was
kicked out of high school for getting
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three boys in trouble.
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And finally, it is absolutely untrue
that Zsa Zsa Gabor marries men for their
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money. She has better ways of getting
it.
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I'm not going to say anything unkind
about Miss Cameron, out of respect, out
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admiration, and out of fear.
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Next we have Corbett Monica.
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Corbett's career is really picking up
speed.
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So does anything that's going downhill.
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Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Corbett
Monica.
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Ladies and gentlemen, members of the
dais, honored guest.
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As you can see, the function of this
panel is to roast, to rib, to take pot
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shots at the honored guest.
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Usually the recipient is a man that
makes that task much easier.
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However, tonight we have a woman.
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And for me to stand here and take pot
shots at a lady like Zsa Zsa Gabor, it's
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going to be such a pleasure.
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I've been waiting to get this broad on a
television show where she can't talk
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back.
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The thing that amazes me about her
tonight is she's been here ten minutes
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hasn't reported a robbery yet.
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The last time she got robbed, a thief
stole her credit card.
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Her husband didn't report it because he
claimed the thief was spending less than
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Zaza.
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But let us give credit where credit is
due, ladies and gentlemen, to the
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Jolie, who raised three children, Eva,
Magda, and Zaza.
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An actress, a housewife, and a diamond
expert.
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Can you imagine these four women once
lived together all at the same time?
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I heard the battles were so big in that
house that Bob Hope went over to
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entertain.
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Look at me as I'm sitting there.
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I don't know if I want you to look at
me.
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Which reminds me, I have to go to the
mountains next week.
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Look at Jar Jar sitting here, famous,
beautiful, wealthy.
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How you must be laughing at those people
that said you'd be through when talking
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pictures came in.
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And so to you ladies out there, I leave
you with the great words of Zsa Zsa
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Gabor.
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If your boyfriend breaks the engagement
and he wants to roam, give him back the
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00:12:13,020 --> 00:12:14,320
ring, but never the stone.
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Thank you, Corbett.
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Immediately after the show tonight,
Corbett leaves on a tour.
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Kansas City, Chicago, St. Louis,
Detroit, Cleveland, and New York, where
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look for work.
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Now here are the two nicest words in
country western music.
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Donna Fargo.
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You know, Zsa Zsa Gabor is a remarkable
person.
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But until tonight, I never knew just how
remarkable she is.
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Before the show this evening, I went
into her dressing room to see if I could
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borrow some eye shadow.
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And I learned something about Zsa Zsa
that I never knew before.
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Zsa Zsa Gabor is a man.
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She's really Howard Cosell in drag.
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You notice how you never see them
together.
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Now, I can see some of you are shocked
at this revelation.
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But believe me, you're not half as
shocked as Zsa Zsa's husbands are.
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In case you're wondering how she does
it, she uses cosmetics from her own
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cosmetics firm, Zsa Zsa Limited.
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It's amazing what makeup can cover.
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Thank you, Donna.
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Thank you, Donna.
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That was good.
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Ladies and gentlemen, Red Kelton needs
no introduction.
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The reason he needs no introduction is
because he's not here tonight.
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So we're stuck with Lonnie Shore.
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Ladies and gentlemen, Lonnie.
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I ain't gonna cut your hair anymore.
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You know, what Dean didn't tell you is
that originally, I'm from a little town
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in North Carolina called Zebulon, and I
was down there last week,
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and when the folks down there asked me
what I was going to do on the Dean
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Show, I said I was going to help them
roast Zsa Zsa.
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And they want to know if there's
anything like catfish.
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I did, but they don't really know too
much. They said, what kind of bait do
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use to catch a Zsa Zsa?
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00:15:17,230 --> 00:15:18,250
I said money.
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00:15:20,590 --> 00:15:25,650
And when Dean invited me to appear on
the day, I decided to do some research
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this lovely lady, and I found out that
she wasn't always this lovely.
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Now, would you believe that I found this
out from the only Hungarian that I ever
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knew? His name was Zoltan, and he is the
proprietor of the Bontan Tonsorio
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parlor in Zabala, North Carolina. He's
the only Hungarian in that whole area.
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It's true, and it turned out that he was
from the same hometown that your family
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was from, and he knew Zsa Zsa and the
rest of the family back in the old
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before you all came over here.
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And it was true.
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And as a matter of fact, he showed me, I
don't know whether you knew this, but
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00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,680
he's got a lot of pictures of you when
you were growing up.
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And you can believe me, friends, she
wasn't always this pretty.
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00:16:06,980 --> 00:16:07,980
She doesn't.
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00:16:08,410 --> 00:16:11,770
It's true, as a matter of fact, when she
was a youngster, they had to tie a pork
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chop around her neck to get the dog to
play with her.
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And then it had a bunch of aggressive
pictures,
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00:16:27,630 --> 00:16:30,990
and then when I saw the next picture, as
a teenager, she looked so bad, I mean,
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00:16:31,010 --> 00:16:34,450
she could have cooked naked in a lumber
camp and nobody would have touched her.
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rings all over her chest where guys kept
touching her with a 10 -foot pole.
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00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:56,940
But that, of course, was a long time
ago, way back then. But as you can see
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and as we say down home, Miss Gabor, you
sure did clean up good.
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Thank you.
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When you talk about beautiful sisters, I
guess everybody thinks immediately
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about the three glamorous Gabor's.
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Zsa Zsa, Ava, and Magda.
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00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:24,560
But believe it or not, there's a fourth
gorgeous Gabor sister.
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And we flew her in tonight as a surprise
for Zsa Zsa. Come on out, honey.
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00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:52,840
Hello, darlings.
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My name is Gladys Gabor.
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00:17:58,460 --> 00:18:03,920
I used to think it was Ormsby, because
that's what my sister always called me.
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00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:09,260
But then I looked Ormsby up in a
Hungarian -English dictionary, and I
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00:18:09,260 --> 00:18:11,280
it means get lost, fish face.
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00:18:12,860 --> 00:18:18,080
Zsa Zsa is truly a woman of many
talents, and she's deeply interested in
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everything that goes on.
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00:18:19,710 --> 00:18:22,670
You may think she's indifferent to world
affairs.
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00:18:22,910 --> 00:18:24,490
What, Tommy Rot?
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00:18:24,790 --> 00:18:27,630
She's had affairs all over the world.
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00:18:32,290 --> 00:18:36,430
They say my sister Ja doesn't care about
the little people in the world.
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Bouchois!
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00:18:39,230 --> 00:18:44,530
Name one other woman who would let
Mickey Rooney hide under her in a
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00:19:06,830 --> 00:19:11,270
to the practice at least once a week to
take a millionaire to lunch.
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00:19:12,730 --> 00:19:15,090
And she's taken a lot of them.
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00:19:16,690 --> 00:19:21,910
And I remember the time she saw a hungry
little girl begging in the street with
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her hand out.
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Zsa Zsa immediately stopped the
limousine and read her palm.
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Dream!
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00:19:31,870 --> 00:19:34,370
They've said my sister doesn't believe
in freedom.
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Balderdash!
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almost as many people as Abraham
Lincoln.
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00:19:42,100 --> 00:19:45,480
So in conclusion, leave on it now.
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In conclusion, let me say, my older
sister Zsa Zsa doesn't know
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00:20:53,780 --> 00:20:54,740
A lot
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00:20:54,740 --> 00:21:04,100
of
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00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:06,920
you don't know what I said and what she
said.
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00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,460
But many of us had it in Mexico.
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00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:22,320
Ja, I call her Ja.
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00:21:23,460 --> 00:21:25,020
I know her better than they know her.
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00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:28,120
She's just a person in show business.
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00:21:28,660 --> 00:21:30,880
Corbett, you took a few sharp raps out
of Corbett.
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00:21:31,500 --> 00:21:33,300
Yeah, well, but it was funny.
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00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:37,300
But it hurt me, because I know her a
long time, and I love her, and I love
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00:21:37,300 --> 00:21:40,180
sister. I worked for
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00:21:40,180 --> 00:21:46,520
four months
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00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:47,680
in Hungary.
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00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:53,240
and I looked up the Gabor family, and
they were not poor people, but they did
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00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:57,620
help their country, and they lived in
Transylvania, which has a reputation
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00:21:57,620 --> 00:22:01,900
all vampires, bloodsuckers came from,
but they weren't. Yes, they had the
254
00:22:01,900 --> 00:22:02,900
ability.
255
00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:06,260
But they didn't.
256
00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:11,660
No, they used their ability to go to the
mountains for the poor people and suck
257
00:22:11,660 --> 00:22:12,920
coal out of the hills.
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00:22:14,940 --> 00:22:17,080
The old mother sucked a ton a day.
259
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:23,800
She was held up in an elevator.
260
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:26,500
Yes. They took all her jewels.
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00:22:27,460 --> 00:22:32,720
They took the... They took the necklace
off her neck in 21 seconds and the ring
262
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:34,500
off her finger in 13 seconds.
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00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:38,140
And your diamond garter belt took 45
hours.
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00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:44,460
Later on, she married the robber.
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00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:53,220
The only reason you're here, that they
say anything, It's because everybody
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00:22:53,220 --> 00:22:54,640
is so filled up with love for you.
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00:22:55,120 --> 00:23:01,980
Because you are the object of desire and
fulfillment of every man.
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00:23:02,300 --> 00:23:03,320
I know me.
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00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:09,500
Here, on television, in front of
everybody, I would commit any kind of an
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00:23:09,500 --> 00:23:11,160
that was required of me.
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00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:22,440
The prosecution roasts.
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00:23:26,500 --> 00:23:31,640
Seriously. Everybody talks, you know,
all kind of ways. Like in Hungary, in
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00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:34,440
Debrecen, in Jura, in Visegrad.
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00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:37,740
It's all the same Hungary. But here, he
talks one way.
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00:23:38,540 --> 00:23:43,520
Now the guy talks this way. Looks like a
lobster got hold of his nose.
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00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:46,680
It's different.
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00:23:46,740 --> 00:23:48,200
They don't know what Zsa means.
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00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:50,040
Zsa is the Hungarian word.
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00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:52,640
For both of them, and that's why she's
called Zsa Zsa.
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00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:02,520
Well,
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00:24:08,100 --> 00:24:12,280
ladies and gentlemen, here's our lovely
and exciting woman of the week, the
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00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:13,920
glamorous Miss Zsa Zsa Gabor.
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00:24:32,899 --> 00:24:36,480
I'm very courageous. I never knew that
roasting meant this.
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00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:38,000
But now I do.
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00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:42,100
Anyhow, thank you, Dean. Dean, darling,
I don't know how I miss marrying you.
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00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:44,300
You're everything I'm looking for in a
man.
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00:24:44,780 --> 00:24:49,280
You're handsome, you're Italian, you're
rich, and you're not so bright.
288
00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:57,080
Donald O 'Connor, how lovely of you to
remember that we were married once.
289
00:24:57,700 --> 00:24:59,900
I have completely forgotten it.
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00:25:02,190 --> 00:25:03,990
Oh, it's an unsuccessful night.
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00:25:06,470 --> 00:25:13,390
I'm glad... I'm
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00:25:13,390 --> 00:25:17,010
very glad I came tonight because I had a
chance to meet the only Gabor sister we
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00:25:17,010 --> 00:25:19,430
never talk about, Rose Buzzy.
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00:25:20,210 --> 00:25:22,510
Rosie, darling, you could never be a
Gabor.
295
00:25:22,950 --> 00:25:25,030
You're much too insecure around men.
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00:25:26,610 --> 00:25:27,670
She's the only...
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00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:38,860
She's the only girl I know who wears a
burglar alarm on her pantyhose.
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00:25:47,700 --> 00:25:49,340
Buddy Hackett, I really love you.
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00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:52,300
But really, you surprised me very much
tonight.
300
00:25:52,660 --> 00:25:56,780
It's the first time in my life that I
heard you say ten clean words in a row.
301
00:26:04,750 --> 00:26:06,590
Even the nine of them were in Hungarian.
302
00:26:07,850 --> 00:26:13,210
Tonight you all possess how I live.
303
00:26:13,730 --> 00:26:16,430
Thank God I'm not like the average
housewife.
304
00:26:17,610 --> 00:26:18,610
Thank God.
305
00:26:21,810 --> 00:26:24,650
They're always bragging that they're
great in the kitchen.
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00:26:25,110 --> 00:26:29,070
Believe me, there are other rooms in the
house I like to be great in.
307
00:26:36,270 --> 00:26:40,970
But seriously, it was fantastic being
with you tonight because I only love bad
308
00:26:40,970 --> 00:26:44,270
men. And you guys, you are the worst.
309
00:26:46,470 --> 00:26:50,630
But I'm much grateful to all you funny
people for roasting me tonight.
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00:26:51,010 --> 00:26:53,310
Where would this world be without
laughter?
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00:26:54,550 --> 00:26:56,070
Tonight we found out.
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00:27:09,390 --> 00:27:12,970
I want to thank all my wonderful guests
for being here tonight, and I want to
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00:27:12,970 --> 00:27:15,830
especially thank our lady of the week,
Zsa Zsa Gabor.
314
00:27:16,230 --> 00:27:20,510
You know, we kidded Zsa Zsa a lot
tonight, but I must say she's a very
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00:27:20,510 --> 00:27:24,750
girl. She doesn't care for a man's
company unless he owns it.
26205
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