Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Siegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person.

Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

And our very special woman of the week is Zaja Gabor.

Well,

tonight we salute Zaja.

the most famous of the Gabor sisters.

You all know the Gabor sisters, the original gold diggers.

Poor Zsa Zsa, she never had a childhood.

She went right from kindergarten to the marriage bureau.

She's been married so many times, she's got Uncle Ben on a retainer.

She's got so many wedding rings on her finger, when I kissed her hand tonight,

thought I was kissing a package of Lifesavers.

Doesn't Jaja look great? It's a wonder she's alive after all the blood tests

she's taken for marriage licenses.

I love your dress, but too much cleavage.

Oh, Jaja loves things like that. Oh, no, it looks like the golden arches over

McDonald's.

But I'm sure everyone will agree that Zsa Zsa is quite a woman. They even

published a book about her life, but the author wasn't the first one to capture

her between covers.

Men have always found her irresistible.

The very first time Conrad Hilton met Zsa Zsa, he proposed.

The second time, he proposed marriage.

That's true. Her marriage to Conrad Hilton didn't last too long. She married

at noon.

Divorced him at two because checkout was at three.

Zaza, there's a lot of your friends and admirers who couldn't be here tonight,

but they've sent you some telegrams, and I'd like to read some of them. First

one.

Oh, it comes from Senator Sam Irvin.

Dear Zaza, will you marry me? I think I could show you a few new wrinkles.

It was so sweet of you to loan me your pink chiffon gown tonight.

I just hope it looks as nice on me as it does on you. Signed, Truman Capote.

This is one from the Immigration Department of the Virgin Islands.

Dear Mrs. Gabor, in answer to your recent inquiry, you don't have to sign

order to become a citizen.

I think Donald O 'Connor starred in some of the greatest musicals ever made in

Hollywood, and I loved him when he worked with Francis the Talking Mule.

day they broke up.

The mule felt that Donald was holding him back.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Donald O 'Connor.

Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

And, Dean, I came here tonight to make a confession.

You see, this is something I've kept secret for many years.

Ladies and gentlemen, I was once married to Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Well, to this day, I remember every detail of that wedding ceremony. The

preacher said to Zsa Zsa, Do you take this man? And she said, Yes, darling,

everything he's worth.

Well, I'll...

Well, what a wedding night that was, and I thought Francis the Mule was

stubborn.

Well, they bought an idyllic little cottage and settled down.

And then one day I came home from work, and there was Zsa Zsa in her easy chair

knitting tiny little booties.

I said, Zsa Zsa, does this mean that soon there will be the patter of little

feet running around the house? And she said, yes, darling, I'm dumping you for

Willie Shoemaker.

And I want to thank you, Zsa Zsa.

You're lovely and you're precious and you're a darling. And I'm happy to be

here. And I'll have your check for you on Thursday.

Zsa Zsa, as a surprise to you, we've

brought your personal hairdresser all the way from the old country.

Ladies and gentlemen.

A warm welcome for Charles of Warsaw.

The family, thank you. The family that prays together, stays together.

So there she sits, ladies and gentlemen, in all her glory, as usual, surrounded

by handsome men.

That's why I like to hang around. It gives me a chance to pick up the

stragglers.

No,

seriously.

I am just mad about primping Zsa Zsa's hair. And I've primped all the crown

heads of you.

In fact, I'm known as the... No, it's true. I am known.

I might do Vegas.

I am known as the biggest in Budapest.

Look at it, ladies and gentlemen. Gorgeous. And there she sits. Queen of

surveys. And I say that as an expert on queens.

Jar Jar.

Jar Jar.

You may never have tried to fool Mother Nature.

But you certainly have father time going bananas.

In

Hollywood,

there are two main trade papers, Daily Variety and The Hollywood Reporter, and

there's one news and gossip column that everybody in show business reads.

I know. I read it every morning to find out if I'm still happily married.

It's written by a lady called Sue Cameron.

She's a columnist who really knows how to get a story. In fact, she was the

first one who found out that Liz and Dick were drifting apart.

She was lying in bed between them at the time.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sue Cameron.

says that Zsa Zsa is the most fantastic housekeeper in the world.

True. Absolutely true.

Every single time she gets a divorce, she always keeps the house.

Seriously, though, you know, when anybody becomes famous like Zsa Zsa,

get jealous. And that really explains a lot of the nasty rumors about her that

you hear.

As a reporter whose job it is to sort out fact from fiction, and I really do,

happen to know that these rumors are absolutely false. And I would like to

this opportunity to lay a few of those vicious stories to rest.

First of all, it is not true that during World War II, Zsa Zsa had a British

secret agent in her bosom.

Nor is it true that she has towels in her bathroom reading hers.

And whoever.

You like that idea, right?

It is not true, also, that Zsa Zsa was kicked out of high school for getting

three boys in trouble.

And finally, it is absolutely untrue that Zsa Zsa Gabor marries men for their

money. She has better ways of getting it.

I'm not going to say anything unkind about Miss Cameron, out of respect, out

admiration, and out of fear.

Next we have Corbett Monica.

Corbett's career is really picking up speed.

So does anything that's going downhill.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Corbett Monica.

Ladies and gentlemen, members of the dais, honored guest.

As you can see, the function of this panel is to roast, to rib, to take pot

shots at the honored guest.

Usually the recipient is a man that makes that task much easier.

However, tonight we have a woman.

And for me to stand here and take pot shots at a lady like Zsa Zsa Gabor, it's

going to be such a pleasure.

I've been waiting to get this broad on a television show where she can't talk

back.

The thing that amazes me about her tonight is she's been here ten minutes

hasn't reported a robbery yet.

The last time she got robbed, a thief stole her credit card.

Her husband didn't report it because he claimed the thief was spending less than

Zaza.

But let us give credit where credit is due, ladies and gentlemen, to the

Jolie, who raised three children, Eva, Magda, and Zaza.

An actress, a housewife, and a diamond expert.

Can you imagine these four women once lived together all at the same time?

I heard the battles were so big in that house that Bob Hope went over to

entertain.

Look at me as I'm sitting there.

I don't know if I want you to look at me.

Which reminds me, I have to go to the mountains next week.

Look at Jar Jar sitting here, famous, beautiful, wealthy.

How you must be laughing at those people that said you'd be through when talking

pictures came in.

And so to you ladies out there, I leave you with the great words of Zsa Zsa

Gabor.

If your boyfriend breaks the engagement and he wants to roam, give him back the

ring, but never the stone.

Thank you, Corbett.

Immediately after the show tonight, Corbett leaves on a tour.

Kansas City, Chicago, St. Louis, Detroit, Cleveland, and New York, where

look for work.

Now here are the two nicest words in country western music.

Donna Fargo.

You know, Zsa Zsa Gabor is a remarkable person.

But until tonight, I never knew just how remarkable she is.

Before the show this evening, I went into her dressing room to see if I could

borrow some eye shadow.

And I learned something about Zsa Zsa that I never knew before.

Zsa Zsa Gabor is a man.

She's really Howard Cosell in drag.

You notice how you never see them together.

Now, I can see some of you are shocked at this revelation.

But believe me, you're not half as shocked as Zsa Zsa's husbands are.

In case you're wondering how she does it, she uses cosmetics from her own

cosmetics firm, Zsa Zsa Limited.

It's amazing what makeup can cover.

Thank you, Donna.

Thank you, Donna.

That was good.

Ladies and gentlemen, Red Kelton needs no introduction.

The reason he needs no introduction is because he's not here tonight.

So we're stuck with Lonnie Shore.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lonnie.

I ain't gonna cut your hair anymore.

You know, what Dean didn't tell you is that originally, I'm from a little town

in North Carolina called Zebulon, and I was down there last week,

and when the folks down there asked me what I was going to do on the Dean

Show, I said I was going to help them roast Zsa Zsa.

And they want to know if there's anything like catfish.

I did, but they don't really know too much. They said, what kind of bait do

use to catch a Zsa Zsa?

I said money.

And when Dean invited me to appear on the day, I decided to do some research

this lovely lady, and I found out that she wasn't always this lovely.

Now, would you believe that I found this out from the only Hungarian that I ever

knew? His name was Zoltan, and he is the proprietor of the Bontan Tonsorio

parlor in Zabala, North Carolina. He's the only Hungarian in that whole area.

It's true, and it turned out that he was from the same hometown that your family

was from, and he knew Zsa Zsa and the rest of the family back in the old

before you all came over here.

And it was true.

And as a matter of fact, he showed me, I don't know whether you knew this, but

he's got a lot of pictures of you when you were growing up.

And you can believe me, friends, she wasn't always this pretty.

She doesn't.

It's true, as a matter of fact, when she was a youngster, they had to tie a pork

chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her.

And then it had a bunch of aggressive pictures,

and then when I saw the next picture, as a teenager, she looked so bad, I mean,

she could have cooked naked in a lumber camp and nobody would have touched her.

rings all over her chest where guys kept touching her with a 10 -foot pole.

But that, of course, was a long time ago, way back then. But as you can see

and as we say down home, Miss Gabor, you sure did clean up good.

Thank you.

When you talk about beautiful sisters, I guess everybody thinks immediately

about the three glamorous Gabor's.

Zsa Zsa, Ava, and Magda.

But believe it or not, there's a fourth gorgeous Gabor sister.

And we flew her in tonight as a surprise for Zsa Zsa. Come on out, honey.

Hello, darlings.

My name is Gladys Gabor.

I used to think it was Ormsby, because that's what my sister always called me.

But then I looked Ormsby up in a Hungarian -English dictionary, and I

it means get lost, fish face.

Zsa Zsa is truly a woman of many talents, and she's deeply interested in

everything that goes on.

You may think she's indifferent to world affairs.

What, Tommy Rot?

She's had affairs all over the world.

They say my sister Ja doesn't care about the little people in the world.

Bouchois!

Name one other woman who would let Mickey Rooney hide under her in a

to the practice at least once a week to take a millionaire to lunch.

And she's taken a lot of them.

And I remember the time she saw a hungry little girl begging in the street with

her hand out.

Zsa Zsa immediately stopped the limousine and read her palm.

Dream!

They've said my sister doesn't believe in freedom.

Balderdash!

almost as many people as Abraham Lincoln.

So in conclusion, leave on it now.

In conclusion, let me say, my older sister Zsa Zsa doesn't know

A lot

of

you don't know what I said and what she said.

But many of us had it in Mexico.

Ja, I call her Ja.

I know her better than they know her.

She's just a person in show business.

Corbett, you took a few sharp raps out of Corbett.

Yeah, well, but it was funny.

But it hurt me, because I know her a long time, and I love her, and I love

sister. I worked for

four months

in Hungary.

and I looked up the Gabor family, and they were not poor people, but they did

help their country, and they lived in Transylvania, which has a reputation

all vampires, bloodsuckers came from, but they weren't. Yes, they had the

ability.

But they didn't.

No, they used their ability to go to the mountains for the poor people and suck

coal out of the hills.

The old mother sucked a ton a day.

She was held up in an elevator.

Yes. They took all her jewels.

They took the... They took the necklace off her neck in 21 seconds and the ring

off her finger in 13 seconds.

And your diamond garter belt took 45 hours.

Later on, she married the robber.

The only reason you're here, that they say anything, It's because everybody

is so filled up with love for you.

Because you are the object of desire and fulfillment of every man.

I know me.

Here, on television, in front of everybody, I would commit any kind of an

that was required of me.

The prosecution roasts.

Seriously. Everybody talks, you know, all kind of ways. Like in Hungary, in

Debrecen, in Jura, in Visegrad.

It's all the same Hungary. But here, he talks one way.

Now the guy talks this way. Looks like a lobster got hold of his nose.

It's different.

They don't know what Zsa means.

Zsa is the Hungarian word.

For both of them, and that's why she's called Zsa Zsa.

Well,

ladies and gentlemen, here's our lovely and exciting woman of the week, the

glamorous Miss Zsa Zsa Gabor.

I'm very courageous. I never knew that roasting meant this.

But now I do.

Anyhow, thank you, Dean. Dean, darling, I don't know how I miss marrying you.

You're everything I'm looking for in a man.

You're handsome, you're Italian, you're rich, and you're not so bright.

Donald O 'Connor, how lovely of you to remember that we were married once.

I have completely forgotten it.

Oh, it's an unsuccessful night.

I'm glad... I'm

very glad I came tonight because I had a chance to meet the only Gabor sister we

never talk about, Rose Buzzy.

Rosie, darling, you could never be a Gabor.

You're much too insecure around men.

She's the only...

She's the only girl I know who wears a burglar alarm on her pantyhose.

Buddy Hackett, I really love you.

But really, you surprised me very much tonight.

It's the first time in my life that I heard you say ten clean words in a row.

Even the nine of them were in Hungarian.

Tonight you all possess how I live.

Thank God I'm not like the average housewife.

Thank God.

They're always bragging that they're great in the kitchen.

Believe me, there are other rooms in the house I like to be great in.

But seriously, it was fantastic being with you tonight because I only love bad

men. And you guys, you are the worst.

But I'm much grateful to all you funny people for roasting me tonight.

Where would this world be without laughter?

Tonight we found out.

I want to thank all my wonderful guests for being here tonight, and I want to

especially thank our lady of the week, Zsa Zsa Gabor.

You know, we kidded Zsa Zsa a lot tonight, but I must say she's a very

girl. She doesn't care for a man's company unless he owns it.