Original subtitles

Nadine Martin, Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Ziegfeld Room, tonight Star -Studded

Roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person.

the week.

Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

We honor one of the greatest basketball players of all time, Mr. Wilt

Chamberlain. But before we begin, let us have a moment of silence for the

stagehand who said to Wilt before the show, You got business here, boy?

In 1936, Wilt Chamberlain came into this world. He was even tall at birth.

He was so tall, he was born on August 21st, 22nd, and 23rd.

At an early age, his only interest in life was basketball, but he couldn't

afford to buy one, so he used to go down to the schoolyard and dribble a white

kid.

Today, Wilk drives a gold Rolls Royce, but he's no fool. When he drives through

Georgia, he changes places with his white chauffeur.

Wilk, a lot of your friends and admirers couldn't be here tonight, but they sent

telegrams. Even the owner of the Lakers sent you a wire.

No telegram, just a wire.

Norm Crosby is one comedian who takes show business seriously.

He's dedicated, he's involved, he's committed.

At least he should be.

A real funny guy, Mr. Norm Crosby.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Gene.

is an insulation to young people all over the world.

Wherever he appears, after every game, the kids give him a standing ovulation.

That's the truth.

He's always tall.

Big deal.

That's a joke.

People can overcome handicaps if they have drive and ambition.

I knew a pickpocket once in Boston. This is true.

Had only one finger.

One finger Louie was a pickpocket. Can you imagine? And he did pretty good,

Of course, all he ever stole were bagels and donuts.

But, well, you can remember, all of us can, grown -up guys.

We never had the advantages in sports like the kids have today. We never had

Little League with fancy uniforms and regulation ballparks.

We played ball in a dirty, vacant lot where first base was a rock, second base

was a garbage can cover.

And third base was a wino who was always laying drunk in the grass.

I heard he became a big singer.

It's hard to believe when you look at a big guy like Wilt, but that whole body

truly is only worth 98 cents. It's incredible, but it's true. A laboratory

optician proved in a laboratory.

that the whole body, chemically distended, is only worth 98 cents. And

why bigotry is such a joke. What difference does it make?

Black, white, yellow, green, man or woman, nobody can possibly be better

anybody else. The whole body, 98 cents.

98 cents, a whole body.

Some girls get more, you know.

We're up in San Diego, we're gonna miss it.

Thank you, Tom.

Besides being one of Wilkes' closest friends, Happy Harrison is one of the

reasons that the Lakers have such a great ball club.

He's a tall one, too. He has to bend down every time he walks under

golden arches.

Ladies and gentlemen, a superb athlete, Mr. Happy Harrison.

Thank you very much, Steve.

You know, when you play on a team with a guy a number of years as I have played

with Wilt, you get to know him pretty well.

And I get burned up when I hear things about Wilt.

Things that I know for a fact are not true. For instance, you may have heard

that on the court, Wilt is a very selfish player.

Nonsense.

He's the most generous basketball player I know.

I never saw anyone give away as many championship games as Wilt.

The black military criticized Will for not changing his name, like Muhammad Ali

and Kareem Abdul -Jabbar have done.

But they don't understand Will.

It's not that Will Chamberlain isn't willing to change his name.

It's just that there's only one name that he'd rather have, and that's

been taken.

Bill Russell.

Well, really, what I want to tell you, the Lakers won't be the same this year

without you.

I'm going to miss you, I know that for sure.

As a matter of fact, I'm thinking of changing my name from Happy to

Thank you,

Happy.

There's a lady with us tonight who's going to review Wilt Chamberlain's new

book, The Saturday Review of Literature.

Miss Roberta Push.

Thank you, Mr. Martin.

And good evening, lovers of good literature.

And if there are any of you here tonight, what a nice people like you

dump like this.

I would like to review a new book.

Oh, this is a good thing.

You can tell this from the magazines that you read because there isn't any

centerfold.

Now, I usually review non -fiction novels of cultural significance.

But when this book reached our office, there was such a clamor about who would

get to review it that we had to draw straws. I lost.

This is called Wilt, just like any other seven -foot black millionaire who lives

next door.

It's the kind of book that you just can't put down until you finish the

It is listed as an autobiography of Wilt Chamberlain as told to David Shore.

Or to put it in your language, Dean, David Shore is the book lore and Wilt

Chamberlain is the bookie.

Now, first, let's discuss what the book is about.

It's about 695, uh, batteries not included, of course.

It is shockingly antisocial. It takes Wilk Chamberlain 310 pages to say

what Dean Martin can say with a single Italian hand gesture.

Don't you know?

Out here in California, it's going just like wildfire.

Everybody's burning it.

I want you to hear the first chapter.

See Wilt run.

Run, Wilt, run.

Run, run, run.

They don't write them like that anymore.

Now, horse riders have called Wilt Chamberlain a whiner because he alibis

someone. He alibis about losing. He alibis about fighting with teammates.

He alibis about voting for Nixon.

Well, what this book really is, is an alibiography.

And it also tells us how he can palm a basketball in each hand.

And it also tells us why he's so popular with Raquel Welch. Yeah!

As a matter of fact, this book tells us really a lot more than we care to know

about Wilt Chamberlain.

Somewhere in the last chapter, Wilt, with characteristic modesty, reveals

he doesn't care whether anybody likes his book or not.

Because he has lots of other irons in the bag.

Wilt. I suggest that you put this book to the other right.

Well, Bobby Meadows.

Thank you, Audrey.

Ladies and gentlemen, a fine talent and a real pro, Mr. Ken Perry.

Thank you, Dean. I'm here tonight as a basketball fan, and I have been a fan

ever since I was knee -high to Wilt Chamberlain.

That's the day before yesterday.

Some things never change.

When they're trying to choose the greatest sports figure of all time, my

goes to Wilt Chamberlain.

Of course, I also voted for McGovern.

Goldwater and Al Flander and all those guys.

This time, I think I've really got a winner, and I resent... some of the

scurrilous things they've been saying about this amazingly gifted, colossal

klutz.

Is he coming after me yet?

Tonight, I would like to put the lie to some of these rumors. They say that Wilt

exaggerates his success with the ladies. Well, what does it take to be

successful with the ladies, really? Only that a man be tall, dark, and handsome.

Well, two out of three ain't bad.

They say he's extravagant with his money because he has four different

limousines. The fact is he needs four cars, one for each direction. Well,

why does he need such big cars like Rolls Royces and Bentleys?

Well, they're the only cars with glove compartments big enough for his

watermelons.

Oh,

talk about a good time, Silver.

This duck shot is a hook.

Ask any of the great hookers.

I'll also tell you about Wilt's wham -bam, thank you ma 'am, slam dunk.

But if I do nothing else here tonight, if I do nothing else here tonight, and

I'm sure many of you are hoping that I do nothing else here tonight, I want to

set the record straight on one thing. It was not Wilt Chamberlain who sold out

to Adolph Hitler. It was Neville Chamberlain.

Tonight we are very pleased to have with us one of the most respected officials

in the NBA.

He was the first black man to become professional basketball referee.

Would you all please welcome Mr. Rudolph Mendy.

Thank you, baby. I

was the first black referee.

Of course, that was not because they thought I had such knowledge of sports.

It's because they wanted to save money.

You think this is a shirt? No, I just painted the white stripes on my body.

They said that they were afraid that I would favor the black players in my

officiating. Not so.

I would never discriminate against a white basketball player.

I know what it is to be a minority.

difference between black referees and white referees except this one.

In addition to this signal, which means jump ball, and this signal, which means

foul, we have this signal, which means you're out of the game, white boy.

I say that there are some places that try to intimidate referees. Not Wilt.

Not Wilt. I've had the occasion to witness how polite and what a

conduct he can have. He came up to me, he said, A referee, I'd like to suggest

that your perception of my involvement in that imbroglio was somewhat faulty.

I said, you're right, Will. As a matter of fact, I think I reversed my decision.

He said, thank you, sir.

And with that, he released my ears and dropped me to the floor.

Ladies and gentlemen,

here's a man who's broken more records.

than any other jockey in the history of racing, Mr. Bill Pinochle.

You know, there's something I'm going to reveal tonight to

the public for the first time.

Will Chamberlain and I are identical twins.

When we were six months old, Gypsy stole my brother Wilt from our baby carriage.

And even though he was separated, we grew up with identical tastes.

Like the Corsican brothers.

We both grew up to be riders. I ride horses, he rides leopards.

When I go out for a race, I wear a green boot, a broad yellow

sag.

Scarlet tunic with a fluffy ascot and a checkered cap with a

pom -pom on top.

That's the way Wilt dresses when he goes out on a date.

You don't have to let me shake your hand.

Scott writes for every big newspaper and magazine in the country.

He writes for them, but they never send him any.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the finest journalists in America, United Press

reporter Vernon Scott.

Jim Murray of the Los Angeles Times described Wilk legitimately as fickle,

arrogant,

lazy, irascible, demanding, petulant, mercenary, and unappreciative.

But in the defensive world, I must say, he also has his faults.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you've got to hand it to Will Chamberlain.

Because, as his coach will tell you, if you pass it to him, he'll drop it.

Ladies and gentlemen, the most respected actor, Mr. George Kimmel.

Thank you, Dean.

As every basketball fan knows, Will Chamberlain is a seven foot, one and a

inches tall in his stocking feet, or seven foot, one and a quarter inches

without his pantyhose.

People should really try to be more sensitive and understanding of Wilf's

situation. They should be more considerate of his feelings.

It's not easy being a gangling freak.

First of all, it's almost impossible to buy clothes.

He can't even find knee pads to fit him. He has to find a 44D cup and cut it in

two.

The world doesn't present many opportunities to a man who's seven feet

black. I mean, what choice did Will have?

He could either become a basketball player or an exclamation point on a

billboard.

And on top of all of this, he has to put up with endless jibes, ridicule. Why do

we make fun of it?

I asked a psychiatrist friend of mine, and he told me because deep down we're

afraid that the tall man is sexually superior.

But I find that hard to understand.

I mean...

If Wilt makes love like he shoots free throws, we ain't got nothing to worry

about.

Thank

you,

George. Jackie Gale is a comedian who just returned from a 2050 tour of the

United States to apologize.

for his last appearance on this show.

Ladies and gentlemen, a comedian who's moving up fast, Mr. Jackie Gayle.

I'm still working on watermelon in the glove compartment.

And it's an honor to be here for Mr. Chamberlain.

because he comes from a very illustrious family. I remember his uncle when he

was prime minister of England.

He was a wonderful man. Why should anybody want to roast him these days?

he offended lately?

That's right.

Just remember the good days when you sung two free throws in a row and they

the ball out for drug analysis.

I like to say...

And a lot of people here roasting him. Bill Shoemaker.

How could you roast this man?

Wasn't he the one who told the witch doctor to shrink you?

And when things were rough, he let you sleep in his glove.

And I'll say one thing to you. You've got a great riding technique.

All you do is whisper in a horse's ear, glue factory, glue factory.

And see Ken Berry here from F Troop. He had Mayberry RFB.

That's right, the all -American boy.

Canberry, I love him. If you put a slot on the side of me, become a ride at

Disneyland.

That's a good line. You think about it, it sneaks up.

That's no sneak line.

And George Kennedy, who lost the TV series.

A lot of guys will lose that series. This show's a restaurant for

I love you in Cool Hand Luke.

I love that name, Cool Hand Luke. It sounds like a frozen Chinese dinner.

But you know, George did win an Academy Award.

Big deal. So did Louise Rayner.

And where is she now?

A newborn lady in Vienna.

And I notice this stuff is good. It may give me another shot.

And I noticed that Georgia hair's getting a little white. That happened

was filming Airport when he found out Dean was the pilot.

And I'll tell you something.

That would have bleached Nipsey Russell.

Nipsey, you look a little familiar.

You look like a jockey out on the lawn in front of Will's house.

Happy Hairston, the only teammate they could dig up to show up for him.

And Happy had an offer from the other late crew from the Bakersfield

He was offered $30 a game and a boxed lunch.

But he's holding out for 40 and some ham hocks.

Norm Crosby's on the show, and I've known you a long time, and I still can't

figure out how you made it.

And I worked a lot of small towns with Norm, and it's really true. We worked a

lot of those towns where women wear the kind of dresses you can see through and

you don't want to.

That's right.

We played towns where the cab driver wanted you to fix him up at a bar.

That's right.

Yeah, laugh if you want to.

We worked those towns.

I'll tell you how small they were. The head of the mafia was a Filipino.

That's right.

That's right.

You people know what loneliness is. Go to a town where an all -night diner

closes 2 in the afternoon.

They think Lawrence Rolfe's a jazz musician.

But I'm proud to be here honoring Milt today because he scored more than

else on pro basketball.

And he's done well on the court, too.

And remember the words of a great basketball sage who said, the bigger

the more money they make.

I'd like to wish him a lot of luck, because you are the greatest.

And I say I wish you this luck, because with your personality, you're going to

need it. Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to present our man of the week, seven feet

of basketball greatness, Mr.

Wilt Chamberlain.

Standing here, I can't help thinking what civil rights has come a long, long

way.

Twenty years ago, a guy like me wouldn't be allowed to sit at the dais.

Guys like you.

Those were the good old days.

It's nice to see my old friend, William Shoemaker.

You know, Bill wasn't always that short.

But when his former wife divorced him,

She took his leg and cuffed it.

And John picked it up after cuffing it below your ex -wife.

In your last race, I saw you riding side saddle.

And Ken Berry, I'm glad you were here.

I used to watch your show, Mayberry R .I .F .D.

After the show, I want to meet you in the parking lot.

And find out why there was no black spring on your show.

Mr. George Kennedy, thanks for being here tonight, too.

I saw you on that movie made for television, The Great American Tragedy.

Wow, it showed a little to its title.

And Dean, I'm really, really proud.

You came a long, long way.

I remember when you were standing in front of the pool hall in Steubenville,

Ohio, saying,

Hey, want a girl?

But before I close, I just want to say I've been accused of enjoying life.

Well, I'll tell you one thing. I admit that drinking and swinging really isn't

all happiness.

But it's the closest thing I can think of to it.

Wilk, I'd like to finish up by repeating the advice given to you by your Laker

coach, Bill Sharman, who said, Wilk, take this basketball and stuff it.

Now you're going on the way home, Catherine. Now warm up the hot