Original subtitles

You must remember this.

A kiss is still a kiss.

A star is just a sign.

The fundamental things apply as time goes by.

Good morning. Name of our cocktail?

That's right.

Ignore his face, you've got the hump. What, the perfect rights have the hump?

Not on duty, you haven't.

Having the hump on duty is unprofessional. Now smile.

Look at his face and have your like.

I think I preferred him with the hump.

All over a bag of toppings.

Chocolate raisins.

Toppings! Did you come here specifically to have a row or did you want

something?

Sorry, home of our castle.

Yeah, we've established that.

So we did.

Delivery beer.

Cots.

Cots. Cut.

The babies?

I think you've got the wrong address.

You claim you know it was our castle?

I didn't claim anything, it is.

So where do you want to cut?

Jean? Sure enough, women always know where to put things. If you were a

you'd never have put that bag of toffees on my seat.

They were chocolate raisins.

What's going on?

We're having a fascinating debate about toffees. Chocolate raisins.

Or chocolate raisins.

which seems to have obscured the fact that they're also insisting on

two babies' cots.

Oh, I see.

Now, come on, be honest.

What are chocolates or chocolate raisins?

Chocolate raisins.

Chocolate raisins.

That's that, Gretel. The cots go upstairs. Follow me.

Oh, well, they're sweet.

There's nobody there.

The cops.

Yes. They're very nice. I saw them. I just couldn't resist them.

What are they for?

Well, babies, of course. Who's babies?

Julian Sandy's babies.

I didn't even know they were pregnant.

Well, they're not, as far as I know. But they will be. It stands to reason.

Your reason?

Yes.

Well, assuming you're right, why have we got two cots here already?

Oh, Lionel, to be sensible.

For when they wanted to look after the babies.

Have you got their names around for school yet?

You should stop doing that.

Don't you want grandchildren?

Not imaginary ones, no.

I'm not sure.

Of course you do.

I just said, I wasn't sure.

That wallpaper's not right.

What's wallpaper got to do with it? It's too stern for babies.

Stern? Babies like something colourful.

Curtains are rather frightening, too.

I think I'll have a custard tart.

Why do you do that?

Oh, I was having a nightmare.

It's really custard tarts.

What was it about?

Bay... Bay leaves.

Oh, it's another nightmare about bay leaves.

Well, I was one.

But you were actually a bay leaf. Yes.

I was in this casserole, you see, cooking away, and I didn't like the

A bay leaf with emotions.

And it was a nightmare.

It's unbelievable, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

You were going to say babies, weren't you?

All right, yes.

Now, what in heaven's name can be nightmarish about babies?

When they multiply.

Oh, what a story.

Anyway, they wouldn't be just any old babies. They'd be our grandchildren.

They'd be part of us.

In case you've forgotten, Judy is not my daughter.

And Sandy is not our daughter. Well, she's become like a daughter.

She and Harry come back from Canada tomorrow.

I have missed her.

So have I.

So how many babies have they had in the year, do you suppose?

You chant for Judy and Alistair.

Hence the cots and the non -frightening curtains. Well, they wanted to look

after them sometimes, weren't they?

Unless you're refusing to do it.

Now you're talking in the present tense. There aren't any babies.

They might not even want babies.

You can be really depressing when you put your mind at it. I don't mean to be.

No, I know.

I still think we should have picked up Harry and Sandy from the airport.

No, it's best Alice said, does it? He has a way with airports.

Like parking right outside the terminal.

Why can't you do things like that?

I'm gifted in other areas.

Shall we go back to sleep now?

Yes. Good night.

Good night.

Grandad.

I was having a nightmare.

I was a carrot in your casserole.

So, uh, how was Canada, you guys?

Nice.

Harry?

Very good.

It's really lovely to see you both again.

You too.

Yes.

So, uh, did you get to see the Rockies?

Oh, yes.

They must be fantastic.

Oh, they are.

Dear, it must be good to be home again, though.

Yes.

Very good.

Come on, they're here.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Sandy. Hello.

Harry. Hello.

Sandy.

How's my old married lady?

Harry, how are you? Fine.

Tired from the journey, I expect.

but it was Harry.

He thinks you're tired from the journey.

Does he really?

Oh, Sandy, what's the matter?

It's Harry.

It was all so lovely, and now he's decided to kill himself.

Armed response?

Yes. That's guns, isn't it? Well, obviously.

Look, nothing's finalised, but I want to get on the fast track, and volunteering

for this could be a way of doing it. Well, no... I wonder if Sandy's upset.

I would be upset if Alistair wanted to do something dangerous.

Not that he would.

Publishing isn't the safest profession, you know.

But don't get shot doing it. All publishers make enemies.

Oh, Alistair.

But I keep telling Sandy I'm after a promotion, not getting shot.

I just need to get on. You see, I've got this Russian author with a really nasty

temper. Now, if I were to tell him that his next book isn't exactly going to

light up Red Square, we'll... Yeah, well, the most he'll do is throw a bowl

borscht at you.

Now, when did you tell Sandy this?

Not long before we came home.

Oh, dear.

He could be in the Russian mafia, for all I know.

Nasty. Could be, Harry.

Could be.

Alistair, stop posturing.

Are you sure you've got the right word? Positive.

What Harry's talking about is real danger.

Lionel. What?

What do you think?

Well, it's not my life.

To put at risk, you mean?

No, I mean it's not my life.

It's not my career.

Let's face it, being a policeman isn't the safest job in the world in the first

place. That's what I said to Sandy. Oh, how very reassuring.

Give the guy a break.

It's his territory, and danger goes with the territory.

It's like Lai fighting lions in Kenya.

I didn't fight any lions in Kenya.

What about fighting the Russians in Korea?

You really should brush up on your history, Alastair.

Japanese, then.

Seriously brush up on your history.

What does Stanley want me to be, anyway? A traffic warden?

Well, don't just sit there. Go up to her.

Not all of you.

Harry.

Well, you're a fine lot.

What have we done?

Well, you've obviously not talked him round. That's what you've done.

Mum, what are you doing?

This is a substitute for hitting somebody over the head. Oh, I'm sorry,

did try, honestly.

Well, Harry's got that stubborn look on his face.

Lionel says it's not his business.

Alice is busy trying to convince everyone he's a target for the Russian

That's typical Lionel.

Did you say Russian mafia?

You don't want to go there.

Perhaps not.

Coffee? I'll make it. You should sit down. No, no, I'm not tired.

Nevertheless...

Nevertheless.

I've never asked you how you and Alistair are.

You only saw us last week.

Yes, I know. I meant as a marriage.

Well, we're fine. We really are.

I mean, you could never describe Alistair as dull. Apart from the odd

flight into Never Never Land. We're fine. We really are.

Good. Yes.

That's really good.

Mum. I'm not pregnant.

Who mentioned pregnancy?

You don't have to mention it. You might as well have it printed on your forehead

every time you ask me how I am.

Well, all right, then I'd love grandchildren.

There's nothing wrong with that, is there?

No, no, I suppose there isn't.

And so would Lionel.

Are you sure?

He'll come round.

Sorry about that. No, it wasn't your fault. It was Harry's. No, it wasn't

Harry's fault either.

I can't blame him for wanting to get on, and he's doing it for me.

Why are there... There are two cots in my room.

Oh, Mum.

Don't throw Mum me.

I bought them in case we had people to stay.

I'm not sure we should have sneaked off like this.

We didn't sneak off. We just left quietly.

You sound like someone in the witness box.

I might be later.

Hey, is it me or are those two guys at the bar giving us hostile looks?

They were just sitting there.

I'm not so sure, like... Right.

When I say now, look round suddenly and catch them at it.

Now... He didn't look.

There's nothing to look at.

I'm sorry to say this, Harry, but professionally, that's a very bad call.

ask me, those guys are on the prod.

On the prod?

This isn't Dodge City.

They're wearing cardigans.

Even ugly customers can wear cardigans like that.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing. I just don't like being threatened, that's all.

I may need backup.

Oh, sit down.

I'll make you for breach of the peace in a minute. I just think they should know

they're skating on thin ice, that's all.

And you've just fallen through it.

I don't know what you're trying to prove. Prove? I'm not trying to prove

anything. Nothing, nothing at all. All right, all right.

I'll see him again, Harry.

No, thanks. I'm going to take Sandy out for lunch. No, no, I'm doing that.

No, wait a minute, Alex. No, no, I mean I'm taking all of us out to lunch.

Everybody. Hey,

Jean -Paul.

Alex the Deacon.

Six for lunch? Mm -hmm.

1 .30? Mm -hmm.

Table by the window?

Mm -hmm. OK. Au revoir.

Done.

We were talking about you trying to prove something.

It was just a phone call.

Watch it, they're coming over.

Oh.

My heart was in my mouth then.

Mr Deacon, will you please leave quietly?

No, I will not.

You're just embarrassing everyone.

I demand the table by the window. You're being ridiculous. Let's just go.

Promptly, if you please. Well, I don't please.

Louis? Gaston? Oh, bringing in the heavies now, are we right?

Let go of my lapels.

I've never been so embarrassed to you all my life.

All over a table.

What's wrong with Alistair?

Perhaps it's being married. There is a tendency for a husband to show off in

front of their wife.

You don't?

I do, but it's probably because subtle you don't notice.

Well, Harry doesn't do things like that. Well, Harry's sensible.

Up to a point. Up to a point.

I quite fancied a sandwich, anyway.

I bet the food was delicious at Jean Paul's. I dare say. We didn't even get

see the menu, did we? Can I take the meat through?

Please. I trust his testosterone levels are down. More or less.

He's talking to Harry about taking up rugby.

Rugby? Well,

not that funny.

Of course it's not.

So, why are you laughing?

I think it's all a bit sad.

Well, it's only a game. It's not an art form.

What do you mean, all?

Well, look at it.

So far, in half a day, he's claimed to be under threat from the Russian mafia,

acted like Billy the Kid in a pub, and then got us all chucked out of the

restaurant. He's not Alistair, is he?

I mean, I know he's a bit weird. He is not a bit weird.

Sorry.

Do you know what I think?

That he's gone mad?

No. I think he's trying to prove something.

Well, what's he trying to prove?

I do wish you'd stop grumbling.

I'm really... You're turning the pages in a grumpy way.

I suppose if I go to sleep, you'll accuse me of snoring grumpily.

It can be done.

truffles. Well, you do it then. You're the grumpy one.

I'm not grumpy. I'm... Well, let's face it. It hasn't been the best day of our

lives, has it?

No, true.

And to cap it all, they all have to stay here.

Haven't they got homes to go to?

Harry and Sandy haven't. We're just looking after them until they find

somewhere. Judy and Alistair? They just thought they would.

Ah, did they?

Not suggesting they have written invitations.

Now you're sighing grumpily.

It's not the people.

It's the problems they bring with them.

Well, grandparents do worry.

We are not grandparents.

You won't be happy till you get those two cots occupied, will you?

Oh, they'll be occupied, you'll see.

What are you going to do in the meantime?

Get a couple of babies out on hire?

That's not funny.

It wasn't supposed to be.

You're obsessing.

You really don't like babies, do you?

Not when they're young, no.

You can't have old babies.

Yes, you can. They're called grown -ups.

Shh, shh.

I wasn't saying anything.

Someone's moving about.

Well, probably going to the bathroom.

No, they're going downstairs.

Go and have a look.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Who could be going downstairs?

Almost everyone in the world at some stage.

You're no help, are you?

I'm doing my best.

Is somebody up?

Shh, it's only me.

Go back to bed.

It's Judy.

You made that a bit obvious.

You wanted to know who it was and I found out.

Now she knows, we know, she's up.

So she does.

What are you doing?

Go back to bed, she said, so I am.

What, you're just going to lie there?

It's what I generally do in bed.

I'm going to go down and see if Judy's all right. Well, of course she's all

right. If she wasn't all right, she'd have come in to see you.

Oh, yes, I suppose so.

So, come back to bed.

Yes, probably that.

I'm just going to see if she's all right.

Oh, Judy, you're here.

I told Lionel to go back to bed. He has.

But you haven't.

No.

I couldn't sleep.

You always used to tell me a story when I couldn't sleep.

Which one would you like?

Oh, all right.

I'm worried about Alistair. We're all worried about Alistair. You said it as

though he's trying to prove something.

Well, I think you're right.

I think he is, if you see what I mean.

Why is it that men think that women instinctively understand each other?

we do.

Only I don't.

Mum, I'd like a baby.

And so would Alistair.

But... Oh.

It's not me.

Well, of course it isn't.

Are you sure?

Possibly.

So? I think Alistair's blaming himself.

So he should. It's his fault.

No, it's not his fault.

Maybe we're just not being lucky.

It's just that if there is a problem, I wish he would find out. Instead of

taking up rugby?

And all the rest of it.

He's trying to be some macho, but I think he's just in denial.

I'll get Lionel to talk to him.

Do you think he would?

Oh, he really needs a man to talk to. Will Lionel do it? Of course he will.

No.

You haven't even thought about it.

You're just busy stuffing yourself.

I'm not stuffing myself. I'm eating a piece of toast.

I'm perfectly capable of eating a piece of toast and thinking at the same time,

and the answer is no.

This all goes back to your hatred of babies, doesn't it?

I do not hate babies.

I tell you what I do hate. I hate sticking my nose into other people's

Well, think of it as my nose.

Whoever's nose it is, it's still being stuck in.

And a subject like this.

Too personal. Well, society's very open about this sort of thing these days.

Then get society to talk to Alistair.

And Alistair really respects you. No.

And Judy really loves you. No.

And what's that got to do with it?

Well, well, if you want somebody to do you a really personal favour, then who

you ask? Somebody you really love. Are you now claiming that this is Judy's

idea? Well... No, I thought not.

Is there any more tea in that pot?

I really shouldn't have asked that question, should I?

That was childish.

Yes, it was.

More toast?

Yes, please.

So,

this is going to be my day, is it? Having food for a night.

I'm making a casserole tonight.

I shall look forward to that. I hope you're making a jelly as well.

I'm sorry.

Very well.

I'll talk to Alistair. Oh, you don't think that's a good idea? Well, I'm not

of your best, no. Oh, no, why not?

Morning, Mom and Pop -in -law.

Good morning, Alistair.

Morning, Alistair. How are you today?

I feel as fit as a mountain gorilla.

Oh, God.

I've got to go. I've got some shopping to do. Hey, do you need any heavy

lifting? Only croissants.

No, I'll leave you two to have a...

Man -to -man chat.

Lionel loves man -to -man chats, don't you, Lionel? I never say no to a pow

with the old chief.

It would smoke a peace pipe as well.

That's it. I'll see you later.

Jean! What?

Nothing.

Isn't that great?

You're still like two crazy kids in love. Well, the crazy bit's right.

Oh, there you are.

Morning. Good morning.

Sleep well?

Yes, thanks.

It was strange being back in my old bed, though.

Well, Harry was in the old bed, too, wasn't he?

Yes, he was. Look, we're all right.

Let's have some breakfast.

No. No?

I don't mean don't have any breakfast. I mean, don't have any breakfast yet.

Because I'm going out for fresh croissants, things like that.

Oh, all right. We'll see you later, then. Aren't you coming, too?

Well, all right, if you'd like us to.

Oh, yes.

It's company, isn't it?

It's more fun.

Come on.

Is it me, or is she going a bit funny?

So, like, what are we supposed to be chatting about?

Oh, this and that.

Do you want children?

I'll tell you something.

It is one of my greatest hopes to see you sitting there one day with a little

on your knee.

Really?

Or a little girl me.

Yes. Or if it were twins, you could have a little me on each knee.

Does that answer your question?

Just one thing.

Aren't you jumping the gun a bit?

Rome wasn't built in the daylight.

That's true.

And if Judy isn't up to speed... Judy thinks you might be the one who isn't

getting up to speed.

What? She told Jean.

But I'm Alistair Deacon.

That's as relevant as saying you're General Patton.

Old blood and guts, he was called, you know. And funnily enough, it is

Look at all the battles he won. We're not talking about battles. We're talking

about... Well, you know what we're talking about.

Defies belief.

Well, maybe it does.

But wouldn't it be better if you could find out, you know, officially?

Could be, Judy.

She says no.

And Judy doesn't tell lies.

She has been to see somebody.

Well, there you are, then.

Are you saying you want me to see somebody?

For Judy's sake.

Me? Yes.

Me? Alistair Deacon? Yes.

Alistair Deacon? I wish you'd stop talking about yourself in the third

It's that bizarre life. It's not bizarre, and it's not any kind of slur

manhood. It's just a sensible thing to do.

You mean you did it?

No, but just take my word for it.

For Judy.

All right.

I'll do it. I'll phone a guy who might know a guy.

That's the spirit.

Me.

Alistair Deacon.

You'll come with me, won't you?

Doctor who?

Plonk?

Oh, Plank.

With an A.

And an extra K.

Yeah, Doctor Plank, as in thick as two short ones, but with an extra K.

Yeah,

well, I'm sure he is.

Thanks a bundle.

When?

That? Soon?

Me?

No way, Jose.

Now, this is for a friend of mine.

Name?

Hardcastle.

I'll just be going along for moral support.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

Thanks again, Max.

Ciao.

I overslept.

You weren't sick when you got up this morning, were you?

No, I wasn't sick.

Who are you phoning?

Oh, just a business associate.

Look, Judy, I... I had a word with Lionel this morning.

Oh? About little Alistair Junior. Or rather, the lack of little Alistair

Real mano -a -mano stuff. No punches pulled.

Any conclusions?

Oh, yes.

You know...

For an old bull elephant, Lionel can be very indirect sometimes, but I seized

the initiative and I fixed myself up with a consultant. It'll just be a

formality, of course, but I thought it was the best thing to do. Oh, thank you,

Alastair. Oh.

Oh.

You're not nervous, are you?

Nervous?

Oh, Judy.

Nervous is not a word in my vocabulary.

Result? Total embarrassment on my part.

But did you win?

If you want to put it like that, Alistair agreed to talk to a guy who

a guy.

Oh, you are clever.

If I were clever, I'd have stayed right out of it.

Good. That's one down, one to go.

What do you mean?

Harry.

What about Harry?

We were just saying how well he looks. And how we need to change his mind about

the armed response business.

No, we don't.

Look. I know it's well intended, but at the end of the day, it's Harry's

decision. What is? Oh, I do wish people would stop appearing from nowhere.

I just brought the croissant, and if the decision you're talking about is the

one I think it is, I don't see why it's suddenly in the public domain.

Well, we're not the public, and we care about you. Which is kind, but... But

it's our business.

Oh, fine, fine, fine, fine. Oh, Jean!

Jean!

Funny, isn't it?

I'm supposed to keep the peace.

Well, look, on the bright side, there's been no actual violence.

Quite so.

Now, next.

What if I were a tightrope walker? That requires a stretch of the imagination.

But what if I were? It would simply be what I did for a living. It would just

my job.

When you were in Korea, you were just doing your job.

I know, but I didn't volunteer for it.

Sandy, you see, every time I look at her sleeping beside me, I have the same

thought.

the thought that I want to look after her. I want to give her the very best

I can.

Yeah, well, of course you do.

And if armed response is a way of doing it, then... tell me I've got a point.

My guy knew a guy like.

The appointment's on Tuesday morning.

Jolly good.

That's when I go in front of the police board.

It's going to be quite a day, isn't it?

Good morning.

Oh, dear.

Where are you going?

Oh, nowhere special.

Now? Well, it seems as good a time as any.

I thought you might like to stay and cheer us up.

By the look of you three, there's not much chance of that.

Hello, mate.

Today's the day, lad.

Judy.

Sandy. Oh.

Jean?

Would you like me to get some people in off the street?

It's very unfeeling, Lionel.

I'm just trying to introduce a note of realism, that's all.

It's not the end of civilisation as we know it. It's a job interview and a

doctor's appointment.

Which could leave Judy childless and Sandy a widow.

Now look what you've done.

I shouldn't have got up this morning.

Right. I'm off now. You're not hugging everybody first, are you?

Only me.

Bye, then. Bye.

Good luck with the old... It

was a joke.

And I thought Lionel was the master of insensitivity.

Look, Sandy... No, I mean it.

I know you're doing it for me.

I just wish... I'm just trying to get promoted.

It's what any bloke tries for.

Even Alistair.

No. I think Alistair was born promoted. Well, most blokes, then. And it's not as

dangerous as you think, I promise.

Off you go, then.

And make sure you come back as something very senior.

Chief Constable, probably.

I'll see you later.

Yeah.

Let's have a cup of tea and a chat.

We'll just settle for a cup of tea.

Now, what time are you two making a move?

About now, I should think.

Doesn't the old clock go round?

They usually do.

You're all right.

Me? Oh, I'm cool.

Apart from a slight numbness in the left leg.

Come on, Alastair.

OK, like.

Oh, and, um, thanks again for volunteering to come with me.

Good one.

I'll be thinking of you.

So shall I.

Of you, I mean.

I

see

Maffeking's been relieved.

Really?

Don't even think about it.

There is a prob with all this. It's called fear.

No, I mean, by actually being here.

See, if word ever got out, I'd lose my street cred, you know that?

I'm not even sure what street cred means.

It means, if somebody's like, then I'm like, and

then suddenly they're like, hey.

I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about.

Self -respect, Blunt.

Look, you're doing an honest thing.

I've always thought that that was good for one's self -respect.

You're right.

You've got street cred, you know.

I shall treasure it.

Anyway, I'm sure Dr. Plank is very discreet.

I'm sure he is.

Dr. Plank?

He's Austrian.

Frank Plank.

With two Ks.

Frank or Plank?

Come on.

Mr Blakesley.

I think he lost his nerve.

Why men such babies?

Mr Hardcastle, then.

Yeah, I'm Mr Hardcastle.

Really? Yes, really.

Would you fill in this form for the doctor?

Me? Just a few personal details.

Um,

there seems to have been some mistake.

The appointment was made in the name of Hardcastle.

That would be my secretary.

What would you do with women?

Anyway, me and the doctor wanted to be.

Sorry, like, street cred.

Just fill in the form.

Oh, um... See, where it says name... Funnily enough, you write your name.

I couldn't just put Mr.

X, could I?

LAUGHTER

Where? For a walk. We can't sit around like the Trojan women all day.

They were all widowed, weren't they?

Well, some other women, then.

Someone might be back soon.

Oh, bound to be.

Oh.

All right, well, let's watch television. There's always a film on in the

afternoon. Lionel always drops off during the film in the afternoon.

There you are, you see. The Charge of the Light Brigade.

There are hundreds of people killed in that. Oh, well, we've got to do

something. Why?

What, to make the time go quicker?

What about a game of Scrabble?

Oh, Mum.

Oh, well, I'm going for a walk.

You might miss someone.

Oh, I suppose so.

Well, we'll just have to wait, then.

That's what we were doing.

Is anybody hungry?

Oh, I couldn't eat a thing.

Oh, Sandy, you really must stop worrying.

I suppose you didn't worry when Lionel went off to Korea.

Well, of course I did. I was a nervous wreck.

It's a wonder I didn't kill all my patients.

I kept praying he'd just get shot in the leg and sent home.

Perhaps Harry will only get shot in the leg.

Has anyone ever considered the possibility that he might not get shot

Oh, yes, of course I have.

I mean, after all, Lionel went through a whole war, and the only injury he got

was getting kicked in the head by an enemy mule.

I don't suppose the poor thing even knew which side he was on.

Lionel?

There's a mule!

I know one thing.

If Harry gets this job, it's going to be ever so hard to look cheerful about it.

Oh, why try?

Because I love him.

I suppose you'd like us to try too, would you?

It would help.

Well, we'll do our best, won't we, Judy?

Yes. Yes, we will.

Oh, it's you.

I've had warmer welcomes.

It's only Lionel. There's no need to gush.

What have they done with Alistair? They haven't done anything with Alistair.

He's still there.

They haven't kept him in, have they?

It's a surgery, not a hospital.

He insisted on waiting till they get the lab results.

He said he wanted to be on his own when he gets them.

Something about personal cred.

What does that mean?

God knows.

What about Harry?

He's not back yet.

Oh.

Well, I'm going to get something to eat.

Now?

Yes.

Now.

How can you eat at a time like this?

First of all, I put the food in my mouth. What about the juvenile?

Juvenile?

My only excuse is that I spent the best part of the morning with one.

Everyone else has the decency to worry about Alistair and Harry.

I'm not indecent. I'm just hungry.

Is that a jam sandwich you're making?

Yes. You're regressing.

If I were really regressing, we'd be upstairs in bed.

Oh, now, that's sweet.

Good. Now can I get on with my jam sandwich? Yes. Would you like a cup of

Yes, please.

Would you like a jam sandwich? No, thank you.

I suppose we were passionate once, weren't we?

In a quiet sort of way, yes.

May I come in?

What? earth did you knock?

I thought perhaps you wanted to be alone.

Oh, just making a jam sandwich and a cup of tea.

A jam sandwich?

No,

I just thought that perhaps you'd had enough of everyone else's problems for

day. Well, to tell the truth... Of course we haven't.

We're a family.

A pretty dysfunctional one at the moment, but still a family.

And you're part of it, so there.

I've got something to tell you.

I didn't hear the phone.

Not about Harry.

Well, it is about Harry.

And me.

I'm pregnant.

Oh, Sam!

How wonderful!

Congratulations. You can't shake hands.

Sorry.

A baby, a grandchild?

Not strictly speaking.

Oh, don't be so pedantic.

When did you know?

Just before we came home.

Why didn't you tell us before?

Because, well... The good other things came up, I suppose. Harry's job.

Yes. Generally speaking, I try to stay neutral.

Quite successfully.

But this time... I like Harry. He's a good lad.

But how he could apply for a job which worries you so much with you just

pregnant is beyond me. Quite right. But he didn't know.

He doesn't know. I haven't told him.

What? Not yet, anyway.

But he's the father.

Isn't he?

Of course he is.

Well, why didn't you tell him?

Because he applied for the job just before I found out I was pregnant.

And if I'd have told him then, well, don't you see?

I would have been saying, don't try and get on because I'm going to have a baby.

How unfair would that have been?

Well, I'd have told him if I was going to have a baby.

So would I.

It's hard to think of you being pregnant, Lionel.

I don't know how you can joke.

Oh, because I feel so much better now I've told you to.

And we're still going to have a baby. Whatever happens.

Sandy. Well, look, there isn't a but or anything. I'll tell him soon. Hurry

back. What?

Now,

I think we should leave them alone. Yes.

Well, look if Mum's going.

Come on.

Why does everything in this house turn into a rally?

I seem to have drawn a crowd.

Sorry, Harry. Look, everyone.

No, no, it doesn't matter. You'll all know sooner or later.

Well, what happened?

They turned me down.

Oh, Harry.

Well done, Harry.

No, I said they turned me down.

I mean, well done for trying.

Never mind, Harry.

Well, Sandy's happy. That's the main thing. Oh, I am.

I'm sorry, but I am.

Are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine.

Thinking of applying for the vice squad next.

I'm joking, I'm joking.

So why did they turn you down?

Why? They weren't very specific.

I suppose you don't have to be very specific if you've got silver braid all

your hat. They just said I was unsuitable.

Unsuitable? What a thing to say.

You should have made them be specific. You should have made them. You didn't

want him to get the job in the first place.

Well, I know, but I thought they'd be better judges than that, the fools.

Don't try, don't try.

Oh, that'd be Alistair.

Have you had any lunch, Harry?

No. There's a jam sandwich in the kitchen.

Yes, Sandy, go and help Harry eat the jam sandwich.

I don't really fancy it. Good idea. Come on, Harry.

Hi,

Harry. How'd the interview go? I failed.

Way to go, way to go.

You're looking very chipper, Alistair.

I'm rampant like.

Rampant. Does this mean that everything's all right?

As in all cannons firing. Oh, I'm so relieved.

Sir, there's absolutely no reason why we can't have children. Was there ever any

doubt? By the colour of your face in that waiting room, yes, there was.

Must have been the lighting. Oh, Mr Blakesley came back, by the way. His

was bringing him in as I left. Who's Mr Blakesley?

Someone else who looked a funny colour because of the lighting.

What did the doctor say?

He said, you and your fowl must not get tight up.

I think he must have meant uptight.

Yeah, but his English wasn't brilliant. What he actually meant was, just relax

and it will happen. Oh, thank goodness.

Oh, well, you two have had quite a day of it.

Why don't you take Judy home and just relax?

What?

You're determined to get those carts occupied, aren't you?

Oh, don't give me some credit.

I really did mean relax. You know, have a lie down.

It's no better, is it?

What? Cots? What cots?

I'll tell you on the way home. Come on.

You won't be slipping into something ridiculous, will you?

Oh, no, I won't. I've got quite a lot of ironing to do.

Oh. Oh, I'm always putting off ironing.

You're my kind of lady, you know that?

See you later, folks -in -law.

Aye, aye, sir.

I'm always putting off ironing.

I'm going to be a dad.

I'm going to be a dad.

Oh, Harry!

Harry!

Ace! Look, we'll call you later. We've got some rather serious ironing to do.

I'm going to be a dad.

My Sandy, a mother.

Would you like a brandy? No, no, I'm fine.

I love kids, you know.

Well, you should have a lot more.

Let him have this one first.

Just a minute.

You two don't seem surprised.

Sandy didn't tell you first, did she?

No, no, no. No, of course not.

I just sensed it.

Did you sense it as well, Lionel?

No, but Jean told me she did, and I always believe everything she says.

Right.

Harry, I ought to tell you... Harry was just asking us whether we knew about the

baby. I said, of course not. We just sensed it.

Isn't that remarkable?

Oh, remarkable.

Don't you think women are remarkable, Lionel?

Every day.

Well, we ought to celebrate. What should we do to celebrate?

We could always go back to the restaurant we got chucked out of.

We can do something this evening.

Now I'd like to go out for a little walk. Oh, yes, let's. Come on, Lyle.

I really meant just me and Harry.

Oh, of course you did.

Let's just walk upstairs.

Don't run!

I don't suppose losing the job seems that important now, does it, Harry?

Insignificant. I'm still surprised they turned you down.

I don't think they did.

What? I think Harry turned them down.

How did you know?

Well, everyone was so busy being relieved that they failed to notice that

didn't look disappointed enough.

I just couldn't do it.

I know how much Sandy hated the idea, but she never said anything. She never

nagged. She didn't even tell me about the baby, although she must have known.

You're a lucky man, Harry.

Oh, I know that.

And a good man. You did the right thing.

You'll get your promotion some other way. I hope so.

See you both later, then.

Bye. Bye. Bye.

see you working that one out.

You're much cleverer than you look, you know.

That's not difficult.

They're going to be all right, those two.

I wonder, will baby Alistair get on with baby Harry?

Well, if they're anything like the grown -up versions, I rather doubt it.

Now, can we please talk about something other than babies?

Oh, yes, of course.

Oh, that's nice.

Yes, it is.

Why did you and Margaret never have any children? Oh, God. Well, I just

wondered.

Oh, all right.

Well, Margaret wasn't what you'd call the maternal sort.

She claimed that children affected her sinuses.

She had a cat.

So she denied you the children you always wanted?

I wouldn't put it quite like that.

I suppose if one or two had happened along the way, well, I wouldn't have

no. Well, if one or two had happened along the way, you wouldn't have been

to say no.

No, it's true.

Oh, don't be sad.

How can I be sad when I've got all I ever wanted beside me?

Why do doorbells always do that?

Oh, people push them, I suppose.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Is this the home of Lionel Hardcastle? Yes, it is.

I have come a very long way to see him. Really?

From Kenya.

But that journey is now worthwhile because I have found my father.

You must remember this.

Kiss is still a kiss. A sign is just a sign.

The fundamental things of love as time goes by.

And when two lovers woo, they still say I love you.

Of that you can rely.

The world will always welcome lovers.

There's time.