Original subtitles

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♪ Get up on yo feet ♪

♪ Right here ♪

♪ Yo feet ♪

♪ Shake your booty ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Uh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Uh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Paan main pudeena dekha naak ka nageena dekha ♪

♪ Chikni chameli dekhi Chikna kameena dekha ♪

♪ Chaand ne cheater hoke cheat kiya toh ♪

♪ Saare taare bole Gilli gilli akhaa ♪

I was 25 when my sister got married.

My parents were thrilled...

because Arundhathi,

after scaring the shit out of them

with a string

of truly atrocious college boyfriends,

had finally agreed

to let them fix her up with, as my mom puts it,

"A nice Indian boy."

Ah, beautiful Manish Rao...

a future orthopedic surgeon, no less.

I think my dad actually cried when my mom told him that,

which is funnier if you know

that my dad's face usually looks like this.

This was the best day of my mother's life.

Just look at her face.

♪ Yeh jo haal hai Sawaal hai ♪

♪ Kamaal hai Jaane na, jaane na ♪

And this man is Pandit Kumar,

and he is about to get in my business.

Next one of these, it'll be you out there.

I would hear that

over and over again...

You're next, my friend.

...an endless chorus of reminders

that one day, I'd have this too--

the big Indian wedding.

Just one concern.

What will it look like

when I bring home a nice Indian boy?

They obviously know I'm gay.

They've just never seen me be gay with another... gay.

Naveen!

What are you doing hiding over here?

Today was leg day.

I lift. Do you lift?

Yeah, all the time.

Come on, I wanna see you on the dance floor, man!

Okay.

Can I ask you something?

Mm-hmm.

You see any girls you like out there?

No.

That's too bad. I'm a sick wingman.

You're next, buddy!

Hi, Naveen. Where are you?

Uh, it's 8:00 a.m. I'm at the hospital.

Your Triple-A membership is expired.

You want me to renew it?

Is this really important right now?

I don't know.

Maybe you're driving around recklessly all over town,

and you're, like, "oh...

they will come and tow me, that Triple-A!"

Doesn't your hammer-calling me about this

just make that more likely?

My god! Are you driving right now?

Pull over!

No, I'm not driving. I'm at the hospital.

Okay, I'll renew it for you. Don't tell your father.

Okay, wow, thank you so much.

I really appreciate you. Okay, bye.

Hey! Listen! Did you watch that movie "Milk"?

I saw it last night on OutTV,

you know the channel for out gays?

Yes. I know.

You like that movie?

No, Mom. I haven't seen it.

You know, in that movie, this man, Milk,

he moves to Castro with his boyfriend, Smith.

Very handsome couple!

Anyway, Milk enters politics, but--

- I don't need a recap. - Smith doesn't like it!

So they break up.

Okay! No problem.

Milk ends up getting elected

to the San Francisco Board of Supervisors.

Oh, does he?

And there, he meets this man, Dan White.

Now, this Dan White does not like the gays.

Mm-hmm?

So Dan White kills Milk!

Oh, no.

He's the Thanos.

Oh! Yeah, no, I'm gonna have to check that out.

I guess this is why Sean Penn got divorced.

Uh...

I think he was just acting.

Hi, Mrs. G!

And how in these movies do gay people know

who the other gay people are?

Like, they just give each other a look,

and like, boom! They're kissing.

What's she talking about, a movie?

Mom, it's just a movie.

What movie?

Is that what you do?

I don't want you to get into trouble!

Ask if she watched "Bros."

Uh, oh?

What is that, nurse?

- There's no nurse. - They're coding?

That's a lot of... blood.

There's a mother? In the ICU?

Uh, yes, I'll be right there.

I must help every mother.

Maybe I should go to the ICU so I can finally see you.

All right, bye, love you.

Wait! Wait! I'm having a heart atta--!

Whatever.

Hey, Ben.

How is it going, question mark.

Haven't heard from you in a while,

exclamation mark.

Guess you've been eating an apple a day,

because you've kept this doctor away.

Hi, Jeremy.

Um, I was talking to my mom today,

and I remembered you have a mom,

so how... how are you, man...

question mark.

Delete.

Thanks, Charlotte.

I actually don't need a plus-one to the wedding,

because I'm happy with myself,

and I'm really not lonely.

Hey, Edmund.

Um, I saw that you're engaged,

but in case it doesn't work out,

um, wanna go out, question mark.

Delete. Delete.

Sent.

Hey, Rahul.

Um... was drinking water today

and thought of you

Ha...

because you said you need to drink more water.

ha... ha... ha...

Oh, god, this sucks.

I sound like Jeffrey Dahmer.

...diamonds.

We only have about 25 of that ring.

It's already starting to sell.

Okay, and is the cough dry or productive?

Gloria! My favourite patient.

How's the ulcer?

On a scale of one to ten, how much phlegm?

Oh, we do have your X-rays...

No. I know it's 11, but the scale is from one to--

It's not looking good.

Okay, and then how many drinks, uh, per day,

would you say you're having?

I-I don't want to get too graphic, but, one time--

Yes, beer counts as alcohol.

I was hooking up with a guy...

That's not good.

...bent his dick backwards...

You. Get your picture taken.

They need you with Sepsis Guy in 10.

- Huh? - It's portrait day!

Ooh!

I heard from Sam in Radiology that the photographer is hot!

Oh, fun!

Oh, don't worry, they'll fix your hair in PhotoShop.

What's wrong with my hair?

Yes, let's focus on your personal grooming,

not all the sick people who need your care.

What's wrong with it?

On this side, I feel like maybe you could--

Ahem.

Really nice. Thank you.

Have a good one.

Okay, so you can just have a seat right there

on that little stool.

Ganesh, right?

Hmm?

Uh, no, it's Gavaskar.

No, sorry.

I saw you at the temple last night,

in front of the Ganesh altar.

Oh! Oh, yeah.

That was, uh... th-that-- yeah.

You know Ganesh?

I'm Jay. I promise I'm not following you.

I'm just in this neighbourhood this week.

Oh. Okay.

You ready?

Mm-hmm.

Okay. So look over here.

Yep. There you go.

And, uh, keep your head just like that.

Nice.

And bring your eyes... here.

Okay, now smile. Be yourself.

Oh.

Not so contained.

Oh... okay.

You don't have to bunch up.

There we go.

That's really nice.

You ready?

Are you two going to be a while?

It was great to see you again.

- Actually-- - Jesus H. Christ.

Sorry.

Listen. I've got an extra ticket to a film screening on Sunday,

it's my dad's favourite movie, if you want to join me?

Uh, I'll-I'll check my-- I'll check my calendar,

but yes, yes, I think my-- I think I'll be--

which is, uh, which movie?

♪ Tujhe dekha to ye janaa sanam ♪

Do you, um...

watch a lot of foreign films?

No. Yes. I'm sorry.

I'm adopted.

Oh!

I was raised by Indian parents.

I grew up on that movie.

It always reminds me of them.

They, uh, they passed away.

Oh, gosh. I-I'm so sorry.

They were older when they adopted me, so...

It is weird, isn't it?

What?

I took you to that movie. We met at a temple.

My last name is Kurundkar.

It's not we--

It was very weird.

I don't know, people get adopted.

My parents are white.

Sure, but that's not--

So now I love boat shoes and Diane Keaton.

Okay, we're getting a little sidetracked.

That movie was darker than I remembered.

Dark?

Her dad was obviously a psychopath.

Eh, he was passionate.

And if SRK hadn't shown up,

she would've just married the other psychopath.

But he did show up!

That's what makes it romantic.

He showed up,

even though their love seemed completely impossible.

So corny, right?

I mean, who talks like that?

It's like he's in the movie.

Mm-hmm.

I think you're missing the heart of this movie.

I am?

Yeah, that scene before the end of intermission,

when Kajol is resigned to her fate,

that she's gonna be forever separated

from the man she loves,

she is at her lowest moment,

and she hears the cowbell--

and then there he is...

and then he stands there

in the middle of

all these yellow flowers,

and he sings.

♪ Tujhe dekha ♪

Oh.

Yeah.

- Oh... - Yeah!

Fuck.

Mm.

♪ To ye janaa sanam ♪

Read the room.

Or be in a room!

♪ Pyaar hota hai deewana sanam ♪

And then it's

♪ La-la la-la la ♪

- Ahem. - ♪ La-la la-la la ♪

♪ La-la la-la la ♪

♪ La la la! ♪

Wow.

♪ Aah! ♪

Thank you.

That was a little over the top.

Sorry. That happens.

No, it's okay.

I think a lot of people find Bollywood a bit much.

Yeah?

But I think it's because we're all a little embarrassed.

Embarrassed...?

By the bigness of love.

I don't want to hear, like, sweeping notions of love.

Oh, yeah, that sounds horrible.

It's 2024. The world is burning.

So you went home?

Oh, wow.

Uhh.

Um, yeah, what's really interesting

is that we have a Panera Bread inside the hospital.

Oh, my god. Not the hospital stories.

Are you kidding? - They are interesting.

- They are not, they're very-- - They are interesting.

It's really interesting,

because, like, the parking structure

is divided by numbers,

so it's, like, one through seven,

but then there's, like, letters, too,

so it's like you can park in 1-A, 1-B, 1-C...

Do you know how many medical shows are on TV?

Do you think no one's watching those?

On a date?

No one's trying to fuck after E.R.

What's really crazy

is that Grey's Anatomy is still good.

I would say season 16 onwards,

it's better than most things on TV.

So you were enjoying yourself?

Also, he vapes.

- Do you want some of this? - Oh, no.

Uh, uh, no. I mean, uh,

I-I'm totally cool with it. My parents aren't, but I am.

I just do it when I'm nervous.

You're nervous?

A little bit, yeah.

Ohh!

Anxious people are the best in bed,

because you know why?

- Why? - They try harder.

Anyways, um...

then he told me all these stories

about his childhood.

Um, like how he went through 12 different foster homes,

just kept moving and moving.

He didn't even have a suitcase.

He just carried all of his stuff in plastic bags...

...until one day, he became a Kurundkar.

Theirs was the first home where I felt like belonged,

they were my family.

Hmm. Of course.

I guess I'd never really, like, felt love

before my parents,

and it's like they instilled in me this...

feeling... it's like a feeling of home.

It's not even like a literal house or a location.

It can kind of go anywhere.

I would have liked to have them see me grow up...

...be with someone.

You know, that's what I love about DDLJ.

it doesn't end with the couple getting together in the end,

like in an American movie...

because it's not about two people going at it alone,

clinging to each other like life rafts.

It's about everybody, together.

The family, the wedding...

Do you ever think about that?

Uh, about what, sorry?

Like, your dream wedding.

Um...

Like, when you close your eyes,

and you imagine a wedding,

what do you see?

I don't really do that.

Why not?

Uh... this is, a pretty...

intense conversation for a first date.

Right.

No. You're right. I've had too much tequila.

I'm sorry.

Uh... uh, what do you-- what do you see?

The entire thing.

I see a...

I see a big, solemn ceremony, where everybody's crying,

and an even bigger party.

I see...

choreographed dances with the entire family.

Everybody that we love is there,

and my husband and I look at each other,

and we think...

...we want for nothing.

I have made it weird again, haven't I?

- No! - First time, singing at you,

and now I'm telling you about...

- No, you're fine. - ...my wedding dreams.

I've made it weird.

No. No, no, no. You're-- you're good.

You're, uh... you are--

you're great.

I should go.

I should, uh... go,

uh, because I have a, um, uh... - Yeah.

...an early call tomorrow.

Okay.

Yeah, I just-- I have patients, uh...

to save, notes to write.

I need to sleep.

Okay. Right.

Um, sorry. That was abrupt.

That's okay. No, no, no. I get it.

I just... um, lives are at stake.

Uh...

Yeah, could we just get the check?

I had to get here early.

You know how early I have to get here.

So what did you think?

You can be brutal.

It was great.

That's it?

I don't know anything about art.

Everybody has an equal right to art.

Okay. Um...

Tell me what you thought.

That one is my favourite.

Oh, God.

What?

I was really scared to show that one.

It must have been awful, losing them.

You're still not so sure about me.

W-what makes you say that?

The reason I love that photo so much--

it tells me who you are.

I mean, I could never put myself out there like this.

Is that a tattoo?

Yeah. That's my Ganesh.

You have a scar.

It's kind of a long story.

I signed a new client this week.

Mm.

My fourth this month.

Killing it, babe.

Are you sure you should be taking on more work?

Why wouldn't I?

I don't know, maybe you want to take a vacation.

Vacation?

10 weeks, 12 weeks-- it will help you relax.

More, if you find you like it.

Still not pregnant, Mom.

I don't like your tone, Arundhathi.

How come no one asks Naveen invasive personal questions?

Wha--

We do!

Great! What's new, Naveen?

Got a boyfriend?

Leave your brother alone.

You are making him uncomfortable.

Sorry. But it's fine

when Mom plays Inspector Gadget in my uterus?

You know what? Just leave it.

How was your visit home?

Good.

Your family seemed well?

Yeah. Good.

Yeah. Um, so, uh, what are your friends like?

Uh, anything I should know?

♪ Focaccia! ♪

Oh, no, thank you.

Come on, it's got herbs and spices in it.

Oh. Uh...

Actually, if you can hold this,

that would be so great. Thank you so much.

Oh.

Hi.

Hi!

I'm Billie.

Uh, I remember. We-- we just met.

- Yeah. That's my roommate, Neel. - Hey, babes!

He was supposed to help me set up for the party,

but I did it all myself, because... the patriarchy!

I'm so sorry.

No. It's fine.

Yep.

Jay tells me you're a healer.

Uh... oh, you-- uh, I'm a doctor.

And how-- and you are?

A projectionist.

Okay.

I work at AMC.

I've heard of it.

You're not dancing.

Oh...

Um, I-I'm not a dancer.

We're all dancers.

We are?

Yeah.

Okay.

I think you're perfect.

Uh, thank you.

Just don't break him.

He's more fragile than he seems.

Right.

Okay, I'm not loving the looks of this.

Shall we go dance?

Uh...

Did y-- uh, did you want some...

some carbs?

Oh, my god, I love bread.

Oh, that's so good.

The weed was in the focaccia?

Neel bakes his own pot focaccia.

He should have told you.

I had four of them.

I'm starting to feel it too.

Ohh...

Whaa... I... wh...

What?

I... I...

Yeah, uh...

- I... - Yeah?

Feel...

I know.

Good.

♪ The places where we used to meet ♪

♪ We go together ♪

♪ Step by step Like shoes on the feet ♪

♪ We go together ♪

♪ Just like the sand out in the sea ♪

♪ What good is sugar Without no tea ♪

♪ What good are you if you don't have me ♪

♪ We go together ♪

Take it away.

Mom? Dad?

Actually, you guys, so funny you ask,

because I am seeing someone.

You know how things always get super weird

whenever anything gay comes up?

Well, I just thought I'd put everyone at ease

by mentioning my white, Hindu, orphan, artist boyfriend.

♪ Like ice cream and an apple pie ♪

Mom? Dad?

Do you want another son... who's white?

You know, someone with an unflinching gaze

who sees all of me?

Mom!

Do you remember those condoms you bought me?

I'm gonna use them now, because I'm seeing someone.

♪ Just like a fork who needs a spoon ♪

♪ Just like a song that needs a tune ♪

♪ We go together ♪

Mom, you know how you were saying

that there was a lot of hair in my bathroom?

It's because there's another man living with me now.

♪ We go together ♪

Oh...

You guys,

you know how much you love getting your photo taken?

Well, I'm dating a white photographer now.

"Cheese."

Get out your Beyonce.

I need the wind machine.

♪ Well, the places where we used to meet ♪

Don't let them talk over you.

When are you going to appreciate Manish?

Such a good guy!

- I do appreciate Manish. - He is not--

The power of love inside you...

let it out.

All your eggs are going to get dried up.

So be it.

You've got this. You've got this.

♪ We go together ♪

You got this.

♪ We go together like a storm and rain ♪

♪ Just like a fire that needs a flame ♪

♪ Just like a picture needs a frame ♪

♪ We go together ♪

♪ We go together like the moon and June ♪

♪ Just like the fork needs the spoon ♪

Mom, Dad...

do you ever feel

like Kajol in a field of yellow flowers

hearing a cowbell and just knowing...

Naveen!

Uh, Manish!

Um...

Sorry, we're running late for-- for, uh, for, um...

this thing.

Uh, where's Arundhathi?

Um... I don't know.

I-I'm sorry.

Oh! Um...

This is, uh... uh...

Jay.

Jay. Wow.

Hey, that's...

Good for you, Naveen.

Just, um, be well, okay?

It was nice to meet you, Jay.

Bye.

It's not about you. I-I just--

I just like to keep my family out of my personal life.

I know it's-- it's crazy,

but I've never introduced them to a boyfriend before,

and, honestly, if you met them, you'd understand.

"If"?

Um, so, after dinner, he walks me to my door,

and it's, like, moonlight,

it's all really romantic,

and then he, like, presses me up against the door,

and he leans in,

and I'm like, "Okay, first kiss--"

so I'm like puckering up...

then he robbed me.

And then he pulled out his gun and showed it to me,

and it was like, "Whoa!"

- Whoa. - "I gotta get out of here."

- Yeah. - Anyways...

enough about me, sorry.

So, what about you two?

Uh, sorry. What about us?

How did you two meet?

I love a love story.

Uh, he took my picture in the hospital.

So... um...

do you doctors get annoyed when,

you know, people ask you for free medical advice?

Yes.

You don't have to change the subject.

I took his picture,

then we started dating seriously...

...and then...

he didn't tell his family about me,

so it's kind of like I don't exist.

Jay, is this...

Are they fighting?

We're-- we're not, uh-- We're not fighting.

Because you never say what you feel.

Jay.

But I do,

and I get that families are tough.

I mean, I get that, but...

I kind of thought that this was...

Sorry. I don't know.

I know--

I made you a part of my family.

I always hoped that, one day, you'd make me a part of yours.

I want that. You know that.

Well, you've never said it.

- Said what? - Said what you want!

- Really, we could give y-- - No, it's fine.

I...

the big wedding...

I want that too.

The baraat,

the fire,

the... pandit,

the seven circles,

a party with all of the people we love.

"We want for nothing."

I want that.

I do.

Of course I do.

I want the same thing.

The same thing... with you.

Does that mean--

What?

I mean...

it feels like you're saying that you want to--

Yes.

Yes.

A betrothal.

Okay, no more arguments,

or Naveen's gonna end up pregnant.

Love wins!

Hi, Beta!

Hey!

Hey, uh, ahem, hey, uh, is-is Mom there?

She's taking a nap.

Oh. Cool. Um...

I-- I was wondering if I could bring someone along tomorrow.

What?

Hello? Hello!

Hi. Hi.

I can't hear you, Beta!

- I was-- I was j-- - Hello?

I'm saying that I'm gonna brin--

The connection dropped!

Okay, yeah, no, I'm saying

I'm gonna bring someone along tomorrow.

Who is it?

It's a guy... I'm seeing.

Uh...

Is he a doctor too?

No. Uh, no.

Uh, actually, we met at the... temple.

Ah! Ha! That's nice.

Yeah. Uh, I should say--

Okay, then! Speak soon.

No, um, I-I was just gonna... um, okay.

Oh, no, no, no, no. We'll just see you tomorrow.

Okay. I'll-I'll-I'll--

Okay, bye!

I'll t-talk to you then. Okay. Bye.

That was not the plan.

You nervous?

Hmm?

Are you nervous?

No. You?

No.

Hey! Relax.

I am relaxed.

Do you think I should touch their feet?

I've never been to their house before.

I think it would be weird.

Should we watch some OutTV while we wait?

Watching OutTV is not going to help us, Jaan.

It's just that I don't know

what the protocol is in this situation.

My parents are super liberal for Indians.

Just, um, don't bring up drinking,

or meat, or sex, or drugs.

And obviously, no displays of physical affection

or open declarations of love.

What do you want me to say?

Just be nice! Can you be nice?

Why you getting angry?

I'm not getting angry!

Do I look angry? - Yes.

A-and just be yourself, but, you know, like...

a little bit more formal.

Like you're interviewing for, like, the presidency.

Um...

At least this boy is Indian.

Uh, Mom, uh, Dad,

this is--

Jay Kurundkar.

It's really nice to meet you.

Oh, God.

Oh! No, no! It's okay.

It's okay, it's okay. Bless you.

Did he just touch your feet?

A bitch need some warmth at night,

and it's nothin' but a nice, sexy dick, Daddy,

to keep a bitch warm.

Um, I'm sorry, the things I said earlier--

We played this gay TV for you.

My parents really like watching gay channels

so that they can try to understand me better.

Sometimes you don't have to be a fairytale prince.

Sometimes you can just be

that 5'5" Italian guy from New Jersey.

It's crazy, but that twink came into the hospital.

I was so starstruck.

Wow.

Yeah.

He-- he didn't make it.

Why are you having a heart attack?

You would've had a heart attack if I did this.

No. No such thing.

We are the most open-minded parents.

That is insane.

You would've never let me do this.

You know, your attitude...

Your brother is happy. - Such a double standard.

Naveen! Naveen?

Uh, yeah, coming. I'll be right back.

Uh, yeah, coming, coming, coming.

Uh, yes?

Do you know if your friend will take sugar in the chai?

- Uh, yeah, I think so. - Okay.

Make sure to ask

if he wants white sugar or brown sugar.

He seems a little confused.

Oh, that's very clever.

Oh, my god, I'm just saying, that's a surprise.

What, that he's white? Didn't Manish tell you?

How would Manish know?

We ran into him. Wait, he didn't say?

No.

Then why were you calling me?

Doesn't matter.

I...

love the photo.

Thank you.

Yeah. All the Indians do it.

It's so great-- creating a family of your own.

Well, isn't that just why we're all alive?

So, Jay, where are you from?

Long story-- kind of all over.

It took me a while to figure out where I belonged.

It turns out, it was here.

My parents' house?

- Tsk! - No.

Well, I meant the city,

but this-this, uh, this house is great too.

So, sorry, where's your family?

- Arundhathi... - What? I'm taking an interest.

It's okay.

My parents both passed away a few years ago.

I'm-- I'm so sorry.

That's awful.

No! I mean, it was awful that they died, but...

they were older when they adopted me,

so it was not a, you know...

That makes so much sense...

and is one of the many things

that would have been nice to know about you

before I made an ass of myself.

- Sorry? - Nothing.

Naveen didn't tell us that you were white.

Archit!

- Really? - Dad, do you...

um, do you really think that-that's important?

We think it's wonderful that you're white.

Oh, my god.

- Seriously? - What?

No, I'm just glad our mother

is being so wonderful and liberal,

and an open-minded soul,

welcoming my brother's new lover.

No, we can just say "boyfriend."

We don't have to say...

It's j-- it's j...

It's "boyfriend."

Welcome into our home.

Wow! Oh, my god.

Let's just start planning the wedding now.

I was kidding.

What, are you engaged or something?

No! Uh...

Well, uh, well, uh, I mean, we've just, uh,

we've just talked about it, that's...

- Oh... my. - Wow!

Can you point me to the bathroom?

Yep. Uh, please go straight.

To your right.

For-- for real?

No. I obviously wouldn't get engaged

before a family meeting.

Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god.

We're just trying to catch up.

This is psychotic!

I-If I were to get engaged

to some tatted-up white dude before you even met him,

you would have thrown me out of the house!

- Keep your voice down! - This is so damn unfair!

Where were you guys eight years ago?

What do you mean?

Yeah, what does that mean?

Nothing. Excuse me.

Where are you going?

Hey!

- Oh. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, Naveen, what was that on his arm?

Sorry.

It's a tattoo of, uh, Ganesh.

Our Ganesh Bhagvan?

- Yeah. -Yeah. - He did that for you?

- What? - He did it for us?

Why would you think--

Oh, Jay! Come, come. Come.

Have a seat. Have a seat.

So, Jay... what do you do?

I'm a freelance photographer.

No! For a living.

Guys...

Dad?

Jay speaks Hindi!

Uh...

so something really, really fun about Jay

is that he can speak Hindi.

I understand better than I speak.

Jay, would you like to stay for dinner?

Weed!

Queer...

art...

- Uh... - ...is really my, um, passion.

Normal art is queer art.

Yeah, it's all...

I mean, I guess everything is kind of queer.

Yeah, it's commercial-- commercial, financial.

Yeah. And, uh...

Robert Mapplethorpe,

I don't know if you've heard of him?

He's, um...

Yeah, there's this great book,

it's called--

Come, come, Chumki, come!

Jay is staying for dinner.

Good.

I'm... sure he's hungry.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Ooh, Mom...

you might not want to go in the bathroom for a little while.

Why? What? Jay, are you not feeling well?

I think we are out of Imodium.

I'm so sorry. It shouldn't leave an odor.

- Mm. - Well, that's not my experience.

Is this a new thing of yours too?

Do you partake?

Arundhathi!

What are you two talking about?

I'm so sorry.

- Pot, Mom! - What?

Yeah, he was smoking pot.

I found the cartridge in the trash.

- My towels! - Ganja?

I'm sorry, I was trying to say that it's a vape,

so it shouldn't leave a smell.

I can show you-- - Not now!

Um, uh, Jay, uh... doesn't usually do this.

Well... that's not true.

Could you not, for a second?

I'm sorry, I just feel like your policy

of lying to them about everything

isn't really working out.

Mm, he does has a point.

Would you shut the fuck up?

- Naveen! - I should go.

No, not now.

You leaving so soon?

Uncle, Auntie,

thank you for your hospitality.

Jay. Jay! Hang on.

Jay, wait!

Jay, where are you going?

Naveen, you should be with your family.

Jay!

I can't believe you just did that.

Me? You're blaming me?

After that ridiculous show you just put on?

Oh, okay. That's ridiculous.

Fine, you must as well just call me a fag.

It'll be faster.

Screw you.

Hey, your sister is not bigot.

Oh, oh! That's rich.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means, Dad,

that you won't say what actually bothers you

about this whole situation,

because me being gay makes you uncomfortable.

I love him.

He makes me happy.

Isn't that all that matters?

Since when does that matter to anyone in this house?

Excuse me?

Seriously, what is going on with you today?

Is it hormones?

Archit! Get her a support pillow!

We don't have a support pillow.

I can't believe you picked today to drop this.

What is that supposed to mean?

That you hate when it's not all about you,

and your perfect house and your perfect husband--

My life is not perfect!

Oh, did you ever think

that maybe I just want a family, just like you?

For fuck's sake, I'm not pregnant!

I'm leaving Manish!

What?

I'm getting divorced.

Arundhathi, I...

You know...

you could've answered my call.

What are you doing?

I can't find my saffron.

You're packing?

That seems a bit dramatic, don't you think?

I'm not being dramatic.

Oh, right, because you're typically very grounded.

This was always a bad idea.

What does that mean?

I should have known from the start.

I saw you...

the way that you squirmed when I started singing.

I should've known then.

Known what?

That you're ashamed of me.

Ashamed of yourself, actually.

I'm not ashamed of myself.

Naveen...

you move through public spaces

like your existence is an inconvenience,

and you're very sorry

to have caused anyone to notice you at all.

There it is.

Oh, yeah, wouldn't want to leave that behind.

You know how much saffron costs?

No, Jay. I don't.

You know how I got that scar from my foster dad?

He found me playing with my mom's shoes.

I've been rejected by enough families

to know when it's time to move on.

Jay...

if you think I'm going to make some big speech to stop you,

then you're wrong.

I know.

I'm the dramatic one.

All right, while you were wifed up,

I was out there, playing the game,

and let me tell you, sweetie, the game has changed.

Little soon for that.

We're still off carbs, but dairy's cool again.

"No" to apps, but "yes" to sex parties.

- Yeah. I-- - No running!

Gays don't run, but we're allowed to skip.

You know what's out? Big dicks.

Big dicks were totally '90s.

Paul, we're at the hospital.

We're into tiny little modest dicks now.

Um, back on cord phones.

You know? We're back on this thing.

We're twirling the cord, twirling the cord, twirling th--

What?

Just Jay letting me know he left his keys under the mat.

Okay, we're definitely going out tonight.

Paul, I'm not going out.

Yes, we are!

- Paul, I'm not going out. - I went online

to that website that's now on the Dark Web--

Man, I love going out!

Yeah, me too, buddy.

I love going out.

Oh, yeah. Good, good.

We're in Sex and the City, bitch!

Hey.

I used the key you gave Mom.

How many secret boyfriends do you have?

- No. - No. Absolutely not.

- No, I know too much. - Woof. No.

All right, my Uber's waiting,

so you're up, sis.

See you later.

Don't leave me.

No, it's okay.

She's so mean.

Figure it out. Bye.

Bye!

Are you drunk?

No. Are you a ghost?

I've been waiting all night.

I thought you were staying at Mom and Dad's.

Yeah, well...

some things were said,

some feelings were hurt.

Felt like we could use some space, so...

Where's Jay?

Well, I guess

if your relationship was that fragile,

maybe I did you a favour.

God, I can't imagine why you're getting a divorce.

Sorry. Too soon?

I'm...

sorry.

Everything hurts.

How much did you drink last night?

Four... appletinis.

Why are you getting a divorce?

Geez, Naveen.

Literally everyone wants to know.

A month ago, um...

Manish and I were watching Project Runway,

and Heidi Klum was wearing this black sheath dress.

Manish was being honoured at some gala,

and I asked him

if I should wear the same dress.

And he said...

"I don't care what you wear, just as long as you show up."

How... dare he?

Naveen,

he doesn't-- he doesn't look at me.

And I can't even get mad about it,

because I don't look at him either.

Manish and I didn't find each other.

Our mothers introduced us,

which is, scientifically,

the least horny way two people can meet.

You guys went on a blind date.

You're acting as if they sold you off,

like some kind of child bride.

The expectations were clear.

Well... so what?

Mom and Dad met, like, at their wedding,

and they're basically great.

You think?

What? They are.

Do you know what Mom said to me?

"There's more to a relationship than passion.

You just have to adjust."

Like... I-I'm sorry,

I'm not gonna keep living in a loveless marriage

just because that's what she decided to do.

I'm sorry I torpedoed your relationship.

You did...

yeah, mm, you torpedoed it pretty good.

I have nothing against

a boy who took you to DDLJ on your first date.

Mm.

Have you... not told him

how you used to watch it over and over again

until the VHS stopped working?

No.

Why not?

Because it's an absurd movie.

You cried every time you watched it.

Yeah, so did you.

Then I got arranged to a stranger.

But you kind of have what SRK and Kajol have.

That thing...

that DDLJ thing

where you look at him and you hear music.

What are you talking about?

I saw him touch your hair.

It was the sweetest thing.

He touched my hair, so we should get married?

Oh, I never said that!

I never said anything to you about music.

Are you telling me I'm wrong?

What do I know? I've never heard music myself.

But if I had what you had...

What?

Something real.

So then he just found his saffron

and... and left.

So, any thoughts...

I know I'm probably not supposed to say this,

but...

...you're my favourite one.

I just think you're great. I'm a really big fan.

So, really, any kind of advice or...

...any sign would work.

I really don't feel like watching a movie right now.

Well, art heals. Especially Fellini.

What's going on? This is DDLJ.

I can't watch this right now.

Hey, Jay, can you just not talk?

Why are you showing this to me?

I'm not. This is just what came up.

♪ Pyaar hota hai deewana sanam ♪

♪ Tujhe dekha to ye janaa sanam ♪

What?

♪ Tujhe dekha to ye janaa sanam ♪

♪ Pyaar hota hai deewana sanam ♪

Jay Kurundkar...

I have historically hated making dramatic displays.

I find them mortifying.

Isn't this mortifying?

But this is something I need to say

as loudly as possible.

You are beautiful,

you are wise,

and you are brave...

...and I'm lost without you.

Go!

Go.

What are you doing?

That depends...

is it working?

It might be.

In that case...

I'm asking you again,

in a very dramatic way...

for a second time...

...if you'd marry me.

What about your family?

I love you.

I won't do this without them.

I know.

I love you too.

Archit, say something.

What?

Tell them you're happy for them.

I am happy for them.

We're so happy for you.

Thanks, Mom.

Dad, I was, uh, wondering

if, uh you would ask Pandit Kumar to officiate.

"Officiate"?

The... wedding?

Uh, you want Pandit Kumar to do your wedding?

As opposed to...?

We thought you would want a more gay wedding.

A gay wedding?

Yeah, you know, like where you wear matching suits,

and we are in a fancy barn,

and one of your friends becomes an Internet priest...

No, no. We want an Indian wedding.

Still gay, though.

So, which one of you is the bride?

- Oh, Dad-- - Yeah.

That-that's not how it works.

Do we have to give you away?

Or does someone else give him away?

That tradition is messed up.

I mean, technically, we gave Arundhathi away

to Manish's parents?

We tried.

Archit!

Forget about the giving-away thing.

But what about the dance?

At Arundhathi's wedding,

the groom and his family welcomed her with a dance.

But with two grooms...

Well, that's easy. My parents aren't here,

so I'd be more than happy to watch you all dance for me.

Uh, isn't that a little...

What, gay?

Loud.

Loud? It's an Indian wedding!

You don't have to shout.

It's fine.

So? Are you gonna say something?

What is there to say?

Sometimes, after all these years,

I just don't know you.

You know me.

And you're thinking the same as me.

Deep down.

I'm not! I'm not.

Are you paying attention, Archit?

Yes.

First thing-- invitations.

Naveen, show Jay the one we made for Arundhathi.

Oh... okay. Um...

Wow!

This album makes me so emotional.

It was $2,300 for the outfit alone.

Such a waste.

Anyway, do you like the invite?

Um, actually, we were planning on sending an email.

An email?

We just thought we'd save some trees.

No trees need to be saved!

We have to send a proper printed invitation

that come from your father and me,

like we did for Arundhathi.

Because it worked out so well.

I'm right here.

And you should be with Manish, adjusting.

Stop telling me to adjust.

You can't adjust your way into loving someone.

Oh! You want true love?

You want a fairytale,

you want flowers, you want music.

In real life, you have to adjust!

Look how much I'm adjusting!

I love paper invites.

Thank you.

And you should respect the traditions

you're about to enter into.

Mom, a day ago,

you told me to get married by an Internet priest.

Oh, why you have to be so technical?

Madam,

thank you for entrusting me with this homo wedding.

This is the wedding planner?

Uh, I thought we said no more barns.

Oh! Okay. No, no. We're open to it.

We're open to it. Of course, Master Ji.

We are so lucky to have you planning it.

You're always so booked and busy.

It is all good!

Love is love.

And money is money.

Are we sure about this guy?

He's perfect. Look at him yell.

So, which one is the bride?

The dance floor will be here.

You ready to shake it?

I don't really dance.

What is wrong with you?

Master Ji, this is perfect. The space is perfect.

Good.

Let us talk dates.

We all know this is the best venue for Indian weddings.

Lowest divorce rate, highest spirituality

for the lowest price.

They have September 11 open.

Wonderful!

Oh, Mom, wait--

Wait? What is wrong with September 11th?

Because of something hap--

- Oh, the terror attack? - Yes.

Oh, September 11, is it a discount?

- Discount? - Yeah.

There's no discount.

We don't want that day even if there's a discount.

We also have September 12...

- Oh, perfect! - In six years.

No, that's-- that's way too long.

Might be good to hold off,

make sure this man is really the one.

What?

What?!

Do you know what happens in a barn?

Animals live in a barn!

You-- my son is getting married!

Why don't you understand?

You don't have a proper ballroom

where I can invite all my friends

and be happy with them?

You want a ballroom? People are gonna suffocate!

- All these flowers-- - Nobody feel bad

about being in a homo wedding, feeling homophobic.

- Get over-- - Because of the air.

Oh, my god! You stop saying "homo" right now!

Clean, fresh air.

You think I'm scared of throwing a big wedding?

You think the Gavaskars cannot have a big wedding?

- You want big wedding? - Yes.

We can get the Thunderbirds to fly over

and spray queer colours.

Can put the soundtrack...

She loves you so much.

I know.

...to look at the surroundings anyway.

Do you realize

that my only gay son is getting married?

The kundlis say that this is the best venue--

You told Marie about my son's community.

Why didn't you come in?

I would have been in the way.

Are you all done?

Hmm, is your mother riding with Jay?

Dad, you know, for a second there,

I couldn't remember

why I even wanted any of this anymore,

but there's a difference between not wanting something

and being afraid to want it.

Naveen?

Dad, what is the worst thing that you think can happen?

Huh?

What, a couple of aunties gossip?

Seriously, Dad, what are you so afraid of?

Ungrateful children.

You just...

...decide things.

You and your sister both--

you just decide, whatever it is you want.

You know how much say my father gave me in my wedding?

None.

Yeah, well, maybe you're fine

in some sort of loveless marriage

for your whole life, but--

Is that what you think?

Of your mother and I?

I'm gonna ride with Mom and Jay.

We'll send you an invite, but no obligation to attend.

Thank you. Thank you.

Why are you sitting over here?

You don't need to get in my space, please.

You go sit in your chair.

You bought that chair for yourself, right?

That ridiculous chair. You go there.

What? Why you looking at me?

I'm very tired.

I'm going to head up to bed.

You found this guy on Craigslist?

Instagram.

His ad said

assembling furniture was his passion.

Mom!

Hey?

Don't "Hey, Mom" me!

And you!

What did you say to your father?

What?

He's extremely upset!

Good.

"Good"?

When did you become like this?

What, brave?

Disrespectful!

Sitting like that

while your mom is still standing!

I tried, okay?

I really tried. You know how much.

See, this is the problem with the two of you.

You both think we are the enemy.

Do you know that

when you even prick your finger, we bleed?

Excuse me, Ma'am?

Would you like something to sit on?

Who are you?

Where is your shirt?

- He doesn't work with a shirt. - No, no. Nice boy.

Nice boy. I'm good. Thank you. No. No.

She's fine.

Do you have any idea

what the last six years have been like for us?

You just announce that you're gay,

and you take off.

You go off to live your own life.

I don't know anything about you or your relationships,

nothing,

and then you come back with this boy

who we don't know anything about,

and you just announce that you're engaged?

Twice?

How do you expect your father to react?

And I've been indulging you so much

out of fear!

I'm so scared that if I say one wrong word to you,

you're just gonna cut us off your life forever!

Mom, I would never--

I have to go.

And you!

You're wasting your time in this room with one chair.

All we have is each other!

Hey, Uncle.

- Ah. - Megha sent me in.

Come in.

Is everything okay? I got your message.

I thought we can have a little chat.

Are you making korma?

Ah.

Can I help?

No, no, no. No. I'm okay.

Do you ever try making this with dates, Uncle?

Why would I do that?

That is just odd.

It's actually a wonderful flavour.

Then you should make something

which is supposed to have dates in it.

Naveen says you've always done the cooking.

When I was a boy,

I wanted to cater weddings for a living...

to be a cook.

Why didn't you?

When I told my father, he gave me this.

That was a different time.

Not that different.

Naveen never told me that story.

He doesn't know.

I think you should tell him.

Do you know Naveen used to paint?

See that?

Ah.

He drew that.

Wow.

Always surprising me...

my only son.

So much inside him.

Beautiful things... like that.

He has...

he has good taste.

Good instincts.

Are there dates in this?

You do all this,

and you hope it lasts forever...

...and if it doesn't,

you come together and do it all again

for someone else anyways.

Because...

and-and I'm sorry to be sentimental,

it's not in my nature, but...

the easiest thing to believe in

is love.

Here, stand still.

Mom, it's fine.

It's not fine.

And you, you should be rehearsing!

I'm all set.

He looks good, Ma.

Now...

the varmala.

Both our grooms

will exchange garlands

just to specify

their acceptance of each other as spouses.

Okay.

Ooh...

Come... come on. Come on.

Aren't you the wily coyote?

Mangalam Bhagwan Vishnuh, Mangalam Garunadhwajah.

Mangalam Bhagwan Vishnuh, Mangalam Garunadhwajah.

You know, I say that all the time.

Shh!

The couple vows

to remain loyal as long as they live.

The couple vows to live in harmony with nature.

The couple vows to take care

of each other's families as their own,

to respect their elders.

The couple vows support...

to take equal care of the relationship.

The couple vows friendship to each other...

for this life,

and for all the lives.

You are now

one soul.

They're married.

Happy marry.

Oh...

They say

when you throw the rice over your shoulder,

you're finally leaving your parents behind forever.

♪ Ah ♪

But how could you, really?

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

Where did Mom go?

Hello.

I'm Megha...

Naveen's mother.

I didn't know your mom was speaking.

Uh...

Naveen's father and I have been married for 35 years,

so I'm here to offer some advice.

How much has she had to drink?

Your mother doesn't drink.

I didn't meet Naveen's father

until our engagement,

so there were many things we didn't know about each other

until after our wedding day.

I had to figure out what this new person liked,

didn't like,

what he preferred, didn't prefer...

Maybe she is drunk.

...what he really liked,

really didn't like,

how much,

how many times...

that's right, people.

I'm talking about

the most important thing in any relationship...

food.

Oh!

Oh, my god! She got me.

I was so nervous.

I had never done it before marriage...

Oh, my god.

...the cooking.

- Oh, my god. - No. I can't do this.

This is worse than coming out.

I tried making him idlis for our first breakfast.

It came out like idli pudding.

The dosas kept breaking.

Potatoes so tough,

you could break your teeth on them.

It went on like this for a week,

and then, one night,

I woke up to this amazing aroma.

My husband was in the kitchen,

cooking an enormous feast.

Aloo paratha, daal makhani,

navratan korma, bhindi curry...

The poor man just couldn't take it anymore!

He was starving.

He was so apologetic, but I was so thrilled.

Afterwards, we conceived our first child--

Arundhathi.

- Oh, shit! - Oh, my god.

Okay. We're going there.

Arundhathi,

who gave us so much joy,

and who we love so much.

And Naveen wasn't too far behind.

Naveen,

you were such a shy, delicate little boy,

and I wouldn't say I was so surprised

when you came out to be a gay...

Wow.

- There she is. - Okay.

...but I was scared.

I was worried

that life would be harder for you.

I was worried you would be lonely.

Jay...

thank you for loving my son.

You have put my heart at ease.

Naveen and Jay,

you two have a major head start on your father and me.

Yours might seem like a different kind of marriage,

but if you are lucky,

in time,

the love that you have today will seem small,

because you will see

as life goes on,

that your love will grow and grow

and grow...

until one day you realize...

that it will never stop growing.

Nice speech.

Thank you.

You know, your father and I

were luckier than I realized.

I think everyone deserves to feel so lucky one day.

You're next, Chumki.

Okay.

So, are you ready?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

- Let's do this. - Let's do this.

Go!

The mic, yeah?

And now, everyone, be quiet!

I mean it! Be quiet!

Put it together...

because the groom's family

have arranged for a special surprise for the...

groom!

What?

What's happening?

You know...

there's nothing gayer than Bollywood...

Oh, my god.

...the bigness of love.

♪ Te-Te-Te-Te-Te-Te- Te-Te-Te-Tesher ♪

♪ Eh! ♪

♪ Mithi galam kara ke Tu na ja chada ke ♪

♪ Eh, I think about it every day ♪

♪ Baby lookin' like khana khajana on a plate, eh ♪

♪ Like mithai, like kulfi ♪

♪ Ras milai, pisata barfis ♪

♪ Saradia vica garami lagadi ♪

♪ Jada vi tu mere raha vicom caladi ♪

- ♪ I know that you wanna ♪ - Okay!

♪ Get crazy, crazy Shawty take it slow ♪

♪ Then cheti, cheti ♪

♪ Bana ja tu meri Jalebi baby ♪

♪ Hey! ♪ -

♪ Baby, let me see it Jalebi baby ♪

♪ I just wanna eat it ♪

♪ Jalebi baby ♪ - What is going on?

♪ Baby, let me see it ♪

♪ Jalebi baby ♪

♪ Oh, I really need it ♪

♪ Jalebi baby ♪

♪ Oh, baby, let me see it ♪

♪ Jalebi baby ♪

♪ I just wanna eat it ♪

♪ Jalebi ♪

♪ Jalebi, I ♪

♪ I know the things The things that you like ♪

♪ Oh, baby, let me see it ♪

Slay, mama.

Oh!

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Hey! Tell me how you feel ♪

Oh, the dad's involved.

♪ Movie star Doin' it for reels ♪

♪ Lookin' like a snack Lookin' like a whole meal ♪

♪ Gucci and Chanel Wit' yer red-bottom heels ♪

♪ Ice drip like pani Bana ja tu meri rani ♪

Oh, my god, he's vogueing!

♪ She my divani masatani ♪

♪ Light it up, living every day like it's Diwali ♪

♪ Young Tesher, young Shahrukh I'm at every party ♪

♪ Baby, let me see it ♪

♪ Jalebi baby ♪

♪ I just wanna eat it ♪

♪ Jalebi baby ♪

♪ Baby, let me see it ♪

♪ Jalebi baby ♪

♪ Oh, I really need it ♪

♪ Jalebi baby ♪

♪ Oh, baby, let me see it ♪

♪ Jalebi baby ♪

♪ I just wanna eat it ♪

♪ Jalebi, aye ♪

♪ I know the things The things that you like ♪

♪ Baby, let me see it ♪

♪ Jalebi baby ♪

♪ I just wanna eat it ♪

♪ Jalebi baby ♪

♪ Baby, let me see it ♪

♪ Jalebi baby ♪

♪ Know I really need it Jalebi baby ♪

♪ Oh, baby, let me see it ♪

♪ Jalebi baby ♪

♪ I just wanna eat it ♪

♪ Jalebi baby ♪

♪ Baby, let me see it ♪

♪ Jalebi, oh ♪

♪ Baby, let me see it ♪

♪ Jalebi baby ♪

♪ I just wanna eat it ♪

♪ Jalebi baby ♪

♪ Baby, let me see it ♪

♪ Jalebi, oh ♪

♪ Sage ♪

♪ Dil ki dhadkan si toh aaye jaana ♪

♪ Humri sab-sab ki ho jaaye ya na ♪

♪ Bistar adhoori toh kaise soye jaana? ♪

♪ Bistar adhoori lo-lo-lori sunana ♪

♪ Dil ki dhadkan si toh aaye jaana ♪

♪ Humri sab sab ki ho jaaye ya na ♪

♪ Kabhi-kabhi toh humse ghabrana ♪

♪ Sabhi-sabhi ko tum hi samjhana ♪

♪ Abhi-abhi toh humne hi jaana ♪

♪ Tu kaynat na-na Kaynat ah-ah ♪

♪ Kaynat, ha, ha Kaynat ♪

♪ Kaynat ♪

♪ Kaynat, Kaynat Ha, ha Kaynat ♪

♪ Kaynat ♪

♪ Lori sunana ♪

♪ Dil ki dhadkan si toh aaye jaana ♪

♪ Humri sab-sab ki ho jaaye ya na ♪

♪ Bistar adhoori toh kaise soye jaana? ♪

♪ Bistar adhoori lo-lo-lori sunana ♪

♪ Lori sunana ♪

♪ Lori sunana ♪

♪ Lori sunana ♪

♪ Lori sunana ♪