Original subtitles

What?

You know what. Girls.

Mom, it's my sweater, and I haven't even worn it. Yes, you have.

Ask next time, okay, Luce? And would the rest of you please behave? Where are

your manners?

I don't know.

At home?

You know, this is the first time in ages that I've had the pleasure of being

served instead of serving, and I intend to enjoy it. So everybody just settle

down and act polite and civilized. Okay, but why can't we just drive through

someplace where we get a toy?

with our lunch?

Because Mr.

Harrison, the man who owns this lovely restaurant, is treating us to lunch.

Why?

Because Daddy's been working with a food bank that Mr. Harrison donates food to,

and he gave Daddy coupons for seven free meals. Isn't that great?

No, I like the free food at home.

Yeah, but you can't get surf and turf at home. You can't get it here either.

They only serve it on Friday.

There's plenty to choose from. Choose something else, please.

I would sit on surf and turf.

What? I'm disappointed.

I'm sure you know what that feels like. Like every night of your life while

you're sitting by the phone hoping Dina Nash will call. She never does.

Let's not talk about my love life.

Ah, now that would be boring. And spoil our appetite.

I knew it!

I didn't do it, she did it!

Sorry.

Everybody ready to order?

It's Sunday, so I think... Call it a sundae. You need to eat something

ice cream, dear.

Okay, make that a piece of chocolate cream pie and a sundae.

You'll have spaghetti and a small salad and milk to drink. Sorry, that's the

early bird special.

It's too early for the early bird.

Um, I'll have the fried chicken and instead of mashed potatoes, I want

fries. No substitutions. Chicken comes with mashed. The swordfish comes with

fries. Oh, uh, okay. I like swordfish and I like mashed potatoes, so I'll have

the swordfish and then I'll switch my potatoes with Mary.

If you will be so kind as to just put them on the side, please.

Harriet? I can't put them on the side. They come on the plate.

If they came on the side, they'd be sides.

I'll have the cheeseburger, no fries, and a chocolate shake. The fries come

it. I don't want them.

Have the fries. Mary will eat them. You said you were giving her your fries.

What's the difference if you don't want them?

You know what? Why don't I give you all another minute to decide?

But I'm hungry.

No, it's okay, Harriet. I think everyone's ready to order. Aren't we,

A hot turkey sandwich on a roll.

All the trimmings.

It comes on white toast.

Why can't she have the roll instead of white toast?

Oh, I know. No substitutions.

Sorry, Mom. I don't make the rules.

I just follow. Can I change my order to surf and turf?

They don't have surf and turf today, honey. Am I getting it?

No, you know, I'm thinking pancakes now.

Pancakes are breakfast.

You can only get breakfast at breakfast.

You know, this free lunch is a bust.

You have coupons for a free lunch?

Yeah, from the owner, Mr. Harrison.

Why don't you sit in the first place? Can I see the coupon?

Yep.

This is only good for the blue plate special.

Okay. So what's the blue plate special?

Grilled liver and onions.

Then we'll have seven liver and onion specials, please.

And we'll be very happy to have them.

We will.

Seven heavens, when I see their happy faces, my life

gets me.

Seven heavens, I know there's no greater feeling than the

love of family.

Where can you go when

the world don't treat you right?

The answer is home.

That's the one place that you'll find.

Seven Heavens.

Seven Heavens.

Seven Heavens.

How about a please?

Okay. Please give me the toast.

Would you like to say thank you?

I guess.

You better get that stain out of my new sweater. Don't worry, Mom will get it

out. Oh, no, I won't. I don't like the way I was asked. I didn't exactly ask

you. That's my point.

Okay, Mom, would you please wash Mary's precious sweater?

And get the stain out?

No, I won't. You should do it. You borrowed it without asking.

I'd like you all to sit down. I have something very important to say.

We're getting a lesson in manners.

Happy,

you may be excused. Your manners are impeccable.

After watching all of you at lunch yesterday, I think it's time to remind

that manners are important.

I think you should start by being more polite and considerate, and you can

by saying please and thank you.

What's next, good citizenship?

How about good grooming?

Laugh if you want, but fair warning, I'm going on a good manners binge.

Are we going with you?

Oh, yes.

Where are we going? To a place we've been many times before.

Excuse me.

Talk to them.

Just do whatever she said.

Hey, he didn't say please. I wonder how long this manners binge is going to

last. For the rest of our lives. So, let's just humor her and try to take it

seriously.

I don't know when our families spun out of control.

You're referring to lunch yesterday?

I'm absolutely referring to lunch yesterday.

I'm not going to allow them to behave like that again. When was the last time

you heard please or thank you come out of any of them? And don't give me the at

least they're not on drugs speech. I'm not going to lower the bar to at least

they're not on drugs. They can do better than that, and we're going to see to it

that they do. Don't you agree?

Yeah, of course. I've just got other priorities right now. Oh, meaning the

bank. Of course, that is a bigger priority. I didn't say bigger. I said

You know...

The little priorities feed the big priorities. If everyone were polite and

considerate, there'd be enough food to feed the world.

I heard that.

Looking for a nice girl to share my senior year with.

5550159. Ask for Matt.

Matt?

Our Matt?

It's our phone number.

He really is desperate.

This is pathetic.

So what's that look about?

Nothing.

Nah, it was something. What are you two up to?

We're not up to anything.

Poor guy.

Poor?

Tragic.

Hello?

No, Matt's not home right now. He's at school.

Yes, I can take a message.

Okay, where can he reach you?

All right. No, I won't forget.

Okay, thank you.

Oh, Bill Junk.

Bill Junk.

Wow.

Looks something for Happy Camden.

Look.

It's your first credit card?

Oh.

Sorry, they made a mistake.

I'm afraid you're going to have to continue making your purchases with

just like the rest of the family.

Excuse me, sir.

Hey there.

How you doing? Fine, thank you.

I'm Eric Camden. The Reverend Eric Camden.

I'm just a kid.

Clarence Fields.

Pleased to meet you.

Do you happen to know where the Beanie Weenies are? I can't find them. They're

usually in aisle two.

I don't know. Ask the manager.

Thank you. I'd appreciate it, sir.

No problem, Clarence.

Hey,

Jimmy.

There's this really polite little kid over there. He's looking for Beanie

Weenies, and I didn't have the heart to ask him what organization he's with. I

think he's asking for himself, actually.

Clarence.

He's a sweet kid.

Comes in every day after school, picks up a can and leaves.

Just let him take what he wants. He needs the food.

Where's his mom?

Don't know? Don't ask.

If all he wants is a can of Beanie Weenies, I figure that's the least I can

Besides, the kid's too polite to refuse.

Found it.

Thank you.

It's okay.

Will there be anything else today, Clarence? No, this should do it.

See you tomorrow.

Nice meeting you, Reverend.

Yeah, same here.

Yeah, I got it right here.

Put them with the others.

You want me to finish up here so you can follow Clarence and get his story?

What makes you think I want to follow Clarence and get his story?

You're a very nosy guy.

A nice guy, but a nosy guy.

You got quite a few calls this afternoon.

Yeah? Thank you.

You're welcome.

How was your day, anyway?

All these girls kept coming up to me and doing this weird thing with their eyes

and giggling and stuff. It was weird.

I don't even know any of these people.

Hmm. Why do you think they're calling?

I have no idea.

But I bet I know who does.

What's this?

Your sweater.

I'm going to wash it, don't worry. I just hung it up so it wouldn't get any

dirtier. How could it get any dirtier hanging up?

I don't know, but it sounded good. No. What sounds good is, hey, Mary, guess

what? I'm just on my way downstairs to hand wash your sweater in cold water

like it says on the instructions.

Hey, what do you two know about this?

Okay, we know. Know what?

The ad. The whole school knows.

The personal ad in the school newspaper?

Personal ad for what?

You.

You should have told us you were desperate. We would have fixed you up.

Oh, good cover. Pretending I did it so I wouldn't think you two did it.

We didn't do it. Uh -huh. Well, I certainly didn't do it. Only idiots put

personal ads in the school paper, and I'm not an idiot.

Hello?

Evidently you are. It's for you.

Tell them I'm not home.

Please.

Not on, sorry.

Yeah, I can take your number.

And I better not find out you two are lying.

Come on, Happy.

Wow, check this out.

I wonder why Mom would throw this away.

You're right. She probably had her reasons.

So we'll just keep this between you and me, okay?

Let's go.

Clarence?

It's Reverend Camden. Are you in there?

Hey, how are you? I'm fine.

I just came by to see if you or your family need anything.

No, thanks.

Is your mom or dad home?

I can't say. You don't know if they're home?

No. If I told you that no one was home, that wouldn't be good. That wouldn't be

safe. You're absolutely right.

So I'll go home and I'll come back another time when your mom's here.

Wait. Don't leave.

Maybe you could just sit by the door for a while until my mom gets home.

It's kind of scary around here by myself.

What time does your mom usually get home?

Nighttime.

Yeah. Okay, Clarence.

I can do that. I'll just...

Hang out here for a while.

What

about

doggy boots to keep your paws dry when it rains? It's been raining a lot this

year because of El Nido.

It's El Nino, and there's nothing neat about it.

They're in. The doggie did.

Look, we don't even know if the credit card's real.

It looks real.

Oh, hey, there's an 800 number.

I guess we can call it and find out just for the fun of it, right?

Be quiet.

Shh, it's ringing.

Welcome to Eddie Bowser.

Please dial your number on your credit card to verify your account.

Thank you. Please press the number of the item you have selected.

Quick, the item number.

B -9 -8.

Thank you.

Please press 3 if you want overnight delivery for an additional $10 charge.

Do we want overnight mail for an additional $10 charge?

You bet.

Thank you.

What? Well, she said thank you, and then she hung up.

You didn't say you're welcome?

I couldn't. It was a recording.

One set of doggy boots coming up.

Yay!

Don't get too excited. Now we gotta call back and cancel.

Why would we cancel?

Because once Mom finds out who ordered the boots, we're gonna end up paying for

them. I don't have any money, and Abby doesn't have any money. Exactly.

I have money. So like I said, we'll be canceling.

There's gotta be a number on here somewhere where I can talk to a living

Here, customer service.

Eddie Bowser?

Hello? Oh, I got a living person this time. Good.

Yeah? How can I help you?

Hi, I'd like to cancel an order I just planned.

Are you 18? You don't sound 18.

No, I'm not 18, but... Sorry, no can do.

What?

She won't talk to me because I'm not 18.

You got $4 .99?

Yeah, plus shipping.

Tell me that's not my sweater in the dryer.

The label says fluff dry.

You're sure?

Absolutely positive.

What are you eating in there?

Beanie weenies?

Mm -hmm. You want some?

No, thanks.

You like those, huh?

Nature's perfect food.

It's got all your major food groups.

Beans and weenies.

Don't get me wrong. My mom takes care of me. She leaves me dinner.

But I still like to top it off with something tasty.

Beanie weenies.

What the hell are you doing?

I can explain.

I can explain.

Harriet? Is that a liver and onions?

Mom, this is the Reverend Camden.

He's a minister, and I still didn't let him in.

That's good, Clarence.

Reverend Camden, this is my mother, Miss Harriet Fields.

Let us both in now, Clarence, before I collapse.

That's my baby.

Good morning.

Good morning, River.

Have a seat.

Nothing I enjoy more than entertaining strange guests after a 14 -hour work

Can I get you anything?

No, I'm fine.

I'm sorry if I'm intruding.

It's just that I ran into Clarence at the front door of the building.

And there was a bunch of...

rough -looking people around, so I just offered to hang out with them till you

got home.

Yeah, it's a pretty rough neighborhood.

Thanks.

That's very considerate of you.

It's okay.

So it's just you and Clarence here, huh?

Yeah. Just us.

Must be pretty tough raising a kid alone.

Mm -hmm. It's tough.

You know, you're one nosy guy. I could tell that at the restaurant.

I just... Yeah, I am.

I don't know, I just sense there might be something I could do here.

I doubt it.

I said might.

There might be something I could do.

I'm too tired to drag this out, so let me give you the short version.

About three years ago, I fell in love with a man who loved me and loved

Clarence. So we got married and everything was sweet.

Until shortly after April 15th when we filed a joint tax return, he went to

it and never came back.

Because? Because the lying fool owed the IRS a boatload of money and hadn't

bothered to tell me. Just like he hadn't bothered to tell me that he was still

married to his first wife.

I see.

Oh, no.

You don't see yet.

IRS came after him. Couldn't find him, so they came after me. But you weren't

legally married, so you're not responsible.

For his back taxes.

Yeah. Tell that to the IRS.

They got their hands on my bank account and kept freezing it until I cried Uncle

Sam.

I set up a payment schedule. Clarence and I moved into this dump, and I took a

second job waitressing.

I teach ninth grade science, but I needed something that paid cash.

I figured if they ever froze my account again, we could live on tips until I

straighten it out again.

I'm sorry about the no substitutions thing. It's just that...

If we substitute, we pay, and I just couldn't afford it.

Especially with that brood you've got. I understand completely.

Do you have the name and number of whoever you talk to at the IRS?

Mr. Smith.

I don't think that's going to help you, though. It seems like everybody at the

IRS is named Mr. Smith.

Well, let me try.

Yeah, Mom, let him try.

You can't actually see these people in person. They're collectors.

You only get to talk to them on the telephone, and believe me, it's no fun.

Well, just give me his number and I'll give it a shot.

Okay.

This could be the answer to my prayers, Reverend.

out of the IRS.

You're really going to go through with it, huh?

Oh, you bet. Don't lose your temper.

I'm not going to lose my temper. Why would I lose my temper? You get mad when

you fill out the tax forms.

This is about somebody else's taxes. I'll be fine.

I will.

I promise.

Mary, Lucy.

I hate being rushed.

Mom, I need you to ride to the mall after school.

Try. Mom, would you please take me to the mall this afternoon?

Mom, would you please take me to the mall after school?

Please?

I'm sorry, I can't. That's two days in a row you've set me up. It's completely

unintentional. I'm just focusing on please and thank you. We'll ask Matt to

drive you.

He's not going to take me anywhere.

He thinks we put Dad in the paper.

Well, maybe if you ask him more politely.

Why? It didn't work with you.

What? It didn't.

I'd like to come in and discuss Harriet Fields' case. Are you familiar with it?

Yes, I'm familiar with the case, but I'm not at liberty to discuss it.

She can set up a meeting with the representative.

She's already talked with the representative, and she's still having a

See, she's paying off a debt that she doesn't owe.

Everybody's got a story to try and get out of meeting their obligations.

Take it up with the representative.

Well, there's just so much red tape.

I'd like to speak to somebody who could actually help her.

That's what red tape is for.

You stick to the rules.

Oh, oh, that's what red tape is for. I've always wondered. Well, thank you.

You're welcome.

Mr. Smith?

Yes? Hi.

So you actually are Mr. Smith?

Do I know you? We were just on the phone.

Oh, brother.

I'm Reverend Eric Camden, and I'd like to talk to you about Harriet Fields.

Leonard, I want a retraction. I want you to print a correction in the school

paper saying I didn't place that ad. And I want to know who did place it.

Can't do it.

What? Run the apology or tell me to place the ad? Both.

We can't run an apology because then it will look like a mistake. And it wasn't

a mistake.

And I can't tell you to place the ad. I have to protect my sources.

It's my journalistic prerogative.

Look, I'm going to the principal.

You can't threaten me.

I'm protected by the First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States. I

cannot and will not reveal my sources.

If you come near me again on school property, I'm going to the principal.

Somebody's been busy.

What?

Oh, here. Okay.

Eddie Bowser, how can I help you?

Well, I received a credit card in the mail, and I'm afraid there's been a

mistake because it was issued to our dog, Happy.

Yeah, so?

Well, so I'd like to cancel the card.

That could be a problem.

Why's that?

It's just a lot of paperwork for everyone when obviously the dog can't

card. I beg your pardon? Can the dog use the phone?

Can the dog enter the code for the merchandise?

Listen, no offense, but may I speak with a supervisor, please?

I am a supervisor.

Look, lady, can't you just tear up the card? I could, but what if something's

already been ordered with the card?

Then I'll assume you've got a very smart dog. A very smart dog with red rain

boots. Cool.

Cool? She doesn't have the money to pay for them.

Eddie Bowser catalogs just lost a couple of bucks. Have a nice day.

Pray for rain.

Do you have a receipt? I'd have to have a receipt.

No, my sister didn't keep the receipt.

So it's not even your sweater?

No, I borrowed the sweater from my sister and I got a stain on it, so I

it according to the instructions and it shrank down to this.

So could I please get my money back? I'd really appreciate it.

See the sign.

Oh, could I possibly get a store credit?

Another sweater? Anything?

Please? Sorry.

Why would she agree to pay a debt that wasn't hers?

Because she couldn't get you guys off her back.

Look, this isn't your problem.

And quite frankly, it's not mine anymore.

I'm retiring.

In 14 business days, I'm out of here.

Then you have 14 days to take another look at this file.

The man swindled her.

This is a woman with a young child who had to move out of her own home and into

a run -down apartment building to pay off some guy's debt she doesn't even

Not only is that unfair, it can't possibly be legal.

I'm not leaving here till we resolve this.

It is resolved.

It has been resolved.

There is no more resolving.

What is it?

A chest.

I think it's my heart.

Somebody call 911!

Stay with me, Mr.

Smith. Hang in there. Come on, you're gonna be fine.

What? Yes, I'll hold.

Where's the insurance information?

I left my wallet in my desk.

No, he obviously has insurance. He's a federal employee.

Sorry, there's no proof of employment or insurance.

You have to go to the county hospital.

The man's having a heart attack. This is an emergency.

Sorry, I can't admit him without proof of insurance.

Those are the rules.

All right, all right.

Don't worry, don't worry. I'll call up and have somebody bring your wallet

Who should I call? I don't know.

I've never called the office before except to call in sick, and that was

voicemail. Never mind.

I'll go over there myself.

Please, hurry.

I'll be right back, okay?

Don't worry. If anything happens, at least you're in the hospital.

Hi, Mom.

Hi.

May we have a snack, please?

And thank you in advance.

Of course you can, especially since you asked so nicely.

And you know what? Maybe Happy might like a snack, too.

Happy? Mom, you know I only feed Happy once a day.

Oh, a little biscuit couldn't hurt.

Happy!

Oh, would you like a snack?

You know, there's something different about that dog. Probably the boots.

Yeah, I wonder where she got them. In the mail today.

Overnight Express.

I wonder how that happened.

My guess is that Happy ordered them with her credit card.

Really? Yeah, the catalog was opened right to the picture.

I guess we should cancel the card, huh, Mom? Well, I tried to cancel, but the

operator was so rude to me on the phone. I think Happy will just keep those

boots. I wonder if Happy will order anything else.

Not if she knows what's good for her. Well, believe me, she does.

Thanks, Mom.

You're welcome.

I mean, for not yelling at us and punishing us or anything.

I know what you mean.

You know, I think I'm going to go up to my room now and do my homework.

I'll probably be up there for a really long time. I'm really concentrating hard

on it.

Good for you.

Hello? No, Matt's not here. He went to the mall. Can I take a message?

Oh.

Oh, as a matter of fact, he just walked in.

Hold on, please.

Hey, how's it going?

Did you take Becky's sweater?

The store manager wouldn't take it.

And I was as polite as I could possibly be.

Looks like Lucy's just going to have to pay for it, right, Mom?

You know, if you watch the kids, I can go back to the store and give it a shot.

Thanks, Mom.

Thanks a lot.

You know, I can't promise you anything, but you never know. I can only try my

best.

Oh, and by the way, the girl on the phone, Dina Nash.

Okay, here. Here's his insurance information.

I'm going to admit him now. Have a seat while I complete the paperwork. Have a

seat? The man's having a heart attack. He's been sitting there for half an

You want me to have a seat?

I... Oh.

Excuse me. I think this man is having a heart attack. Could you please help him

out while this nurse is doing the paperwork?

Okay, you wait here. I'll take care of him.

Hello. May I help you? Well, I hope so. Thank you. My daughter bought this

sweater here, and she washed it according to the instructions on the

this is what happened. I'd be happy to take it back if you have a receipt.

Well, I don't have a receipt, but I thought you could exchange it maybe for

store credit or another sweater.

Not unless you have a receipt.

May I please see the manager?

I am the manager.

Okay. What about the owner? How would I reach the owner?

You're talking to her.

So, as the owner of the store, do you think you could possibly change the

policy to meet the needs of the customer? If I change the store policy

I'd have to change it for everyone.

Oh, well, careful when you watch that or it'll look like this. Uh -huh.

Would you like to leave now, ma 'am, or should I call security?

I'm just trying to return a sweater.

You're just trying to cause a disturbance.

Cause a disturbance? You want a disturbance? Here's a disturbance.

happened to common decency?

Whatever happened to service and a simple thank you for shopping here?

Whatever happened to a store standing behind the merchandise it sells?

Whatever happened to truth, justice, and the American store taking returns?

I'll tell you what happened.

People started shoplifting and then returning things for cash.

Or buying things and wearing them and then returning them for no reason.

Profits started coming down and insurance rates started going up. So

had to look for merchandise with a higher markup. What do you want from a

sweater? Whatever happened to you get what you pay for? If the manufacturer

doesn't stand up for the merchandise, why should I get stuck? I've got kids to

feed too, you know. That's what happened to this American store taking returns.

I'm sorry, too.

Still, it would be very nice if you could take this back.

Fine.

I'll give you your money back.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Can I buy you a cup of coffee?

I would love a cup of coffee.

But I don't have anyone to watch the store.

I could bring you a cup.

How do you like it?

Excuse me, doctor.

How's he doing?

Oh, it's not a heart attack.

It's heartburn.

Plain, simple heartburn.

Is he in any danger of having a heart attack?

I don't think so, but we're keeping him overnight just to make sure today

doesn't give him one.

Were you going to tell him that?

Yeah. Could you do me a favor?

Could you give me maybe 15 minutes with him first?

Sure.

We have to talk.

Fine, come in. No, I'd rather talk close to the door.

You see, I place the ad.

What? I figured that if a guy like you used our personals, then it would become

cool and maybe other students would want to do it. I'm sorry. I had no idea it

would cause so many problems.

The thing is, if I run an attraction, it will undo everything I worked for.

So, I'd really appreciate it if you could... Just forget about the whole

Why not?

Really?

Just like that?

You apologized. You asked nicely. What else can I do?

Well, you could tell him the truth.

Dina called him. Dina Nash.

Whoa.

Congratulations.

You're there.

Right.

So, Matt, do you have anything to say to us?

Something in the nature of an apology, maybe?

I'm very sorry I accused you of doing something you didn't do.

Oh, now that wasn't so bad, was it?

We forgive you.

I

can't believe

you got Dina to call him. How did you do it?

I said please. I said thank you.

I did her math homework.

It's just that if I have to have a heart operation, I don't know what I'm going

to do.

Is there anyone I can call for you?

I don't have any family.

My wife left me years ago and never had any kids.

Gave my life to my job.

Collecting money for the IRS.

Not an unknowable cause.

Providing, of course, that people actually owe money to the United States

the IRS.

By people, you mean Harriet Fields.

Oh, God, I can't go into open -heart surgery with that in my conscience.

Yeah, it's a tough one.

It's funny.

Once you think you're going to lose your life, you want to change it all.

I get a lot of that in my line of work.

Problem is, not many people get a chance to change it all.

Of course, for you, Mr. Smith...

May not be too late.

What's this?

I figured as long as I was in your office, I'd pick up Harriet's file.

Dear Lord, don't let this be bad news.

Dear Lord.

Oh, look, what a coincidence.

Harriet Fields, I'd like you to meet Mr. Smith of the IRS.

This is Harriet?

And her son, Clarence.

Nice to meet you.

What did you do to him?

I think Mr.

Smith might have something to tell you.

Harriet?

Harriet, I am sorry that I didn't take care of your problem before, but I am

going to take care of it right now.

I promise.

If the big auditor upstairs lets me live, I am going to get this all

straightened out.

Straightened out like no more payments or straightened out like I have a refund

coming?

You'll get a refund.

A big one.

Every penny.

Oh, this is going to be a lot of red tape.

But I will cut through it, Miss Fields. So help me God, this time next week, the

check is in the mail.

Thank you, Mr. Smith.

Tell me the bad news, Doctor. The bad news is you're going to have to spend

retirement taking it easy. Losing a little weight, watching your diet.

And the good news? You don't need to have heart surgery.

I don't.

No, you should be fine.

But I would like you to stay overnight for observation.

I'll check back with you a little bit later.

It's a miracle.

Yes, it is a miracle.

No hard feelings.