Original subtitles

Hey, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

I wanna look in the mirror and make sure I'm still dead in the eyes.

You think you can handle my section?

Uh, yeah, I think I can handle it. Heh.

Earl, I don't know if you noticed. I'm running the diner right now.

What, what.

The customer at table 10 appears to be choking.

I would help, but the last time I gave a white woman the Heimlich...

...I did six months in the Birmingham City Jail.

Oh, my God. Are you choking?

Oh, my God. I feel like you're choking.

Is anyone here a doctor?

What am I saying? I forgot where I am. Has anyone here ever seen Scrubs?

What do you do when a girl is choking?

I just back up a few inches.

What do we do? What do we do? This woman is choking.

-Thank you so much. -You're welcome.

And feel free to tip me what you think your life's worth.

I feel 3 bucks coming my way.

Here you go, guys. I'm the only waitress.

Sorry you waited longer for the burger than for that Cosby sweater to come back.

Max, look at my face. I'm very upset.

Oh.

Is that what that means? I just assumed you were constipated.

Caroline is late again.

She better not use your new cupcake shop as an excuse this time.

Because, sister, that crap ain't gonna fly.

First of all, stop talking like you're in a Tyler Perry movie...

...and secondly, Caroline is here. She is in the kitchen.

Really? Because when I was in there...

...you told me she was out here. You're playing me, fool.

Stop talking like you're in a Tyler Perry sequel.

-And secondly-- -I'll ask Earl. Earl!

Ow!

What happened? Why did you scream?

I accidentally sat on one of my boys.

Have you seen Caroline tonight?

Of course, man. I just saw her go down the hall to the ladies' room.

There. Happy? You've solved the big mystery, Shortlock Holmes.

Wait, she didn't pick up any of her--

Caroline?

Can't talk now, Han.

How many times do I have to ask you to fix this damn pie carousel?

The temp isn't cool enough. Those tapiocas are gonna turn.

If you want a lawsuit, keep ignoring me. Max, can I see you in the kitchen...

...where I was a couple of minutes ago after I got out of the ladies' room?

Yeah, get on that temperature thing.

There's so much mold growing in there, that cherry pie is gonna need a pap smear.

That was some ballsy, bold, in-your-face awesome lying.

I learned it by watching you, Dad. Had to lie.

We need every minute we can steal away from here to get the cupcake shop ready.

We still have to do the second coat of paint, figure out tables and chairs.

What? Didn't have time for lunch.

I don't care. I'm surprised you're using a spoon. I just stick my face in it.

So my brilliant idea of how we get this all done is, we should get an intern to help.

What? No. I can't be a person that has an intern.

I can barely be a person that doesn't have an intern.

Max, all businesses use interns.

We just have to post an ad online at NYU or Columbia.

We'll have 20 applicants battling it out to do grunt work for credit.

You make it sound like The Hunger Games: College Edition.

Sorry, I'm against getting people to work for free.

I'm with you, Max. My people were interns for 436 years.

I am just getting used to the idea of having my own business.

Now you want me to be someone's boss? I am not the boss.

I'm the person who talks behind the boss's back.

- Pickup. - Thanks.

-Isn't Han a tool? -Total tool.

Yeah, a tiny tool. Like the kind you fix your eyeglasses with.

See, that's my wheelhouse.

Look, I don't wanna ask someone to work for free. We can do it all ourselves.

Wanna do it yourself? Great. I'll write everything to do on a to-do list.

Why don't you "to-do" that, and I will to-tear it up?

What are we tearing up? If it's that ass, I already got that covered.

Hi, Andy. That's so sweet and dirty.

Easy, easy. What are you, shipping off to war?

Here, take this giant bag of Skittles and look the other way.

I'm not that easy. Oh, new mystery flavors?

-Getting together after you get off? -It'll be late.

Max and I have to go to the shop...

...and tape the windows so we can start the trim.

Okay, I'm not very good at painting, but I can do this while you paint. Yeah.

Yeah. Roll that paint on that wall.

Oh, oh.

You are so freaking cute.

Ugh. White people.

Why don't you guys just get an intern? That's what I did.

You two are like evil warlords, mining the souls of innocent zombies.

Keep eyes peeled at your store. The janitor told me he saw rat droppings.

But all you gotta do is set up some traps.

Ugh. Oh, gross. Who's going to do that?

The intern?

So Ruth, you're a sophomore at NYU, majoring in finance.

You know you're not gonna get paid. No money at all.

Yep. It's an internship. I mean, it's all good, right?

It's all good until you need money.

Well, we're a start-up company. We're launching our very first retail store.

There's a lot of details that you'll be responsible for.

There's a lot of carrying things, maybe some trapping things.

Oh, it's cool. I have a car.

You have a car and you want to be an intern?

How about if we switch places? I'll be intern with the car.

You can sit on a broken folding chair next to Donna Trump here.

Max and I need to have a little meeting now.

If you could go to the waiting room, that'd be great. Okay?

I just want to say, I know my name is weird. But, like, it's too late, right?

Max, why are you trying to convince her to not be our intern?

Why are you not saying:

"You may get rabies and bubonic plague from our rats"?

Don't mention the rats.

You're chasing them away. And we do not have rats.

We have rat droppings. Let's not jump to conclusions.

You're right, the rats are probably just coming in here to use the bathroom.

Look, we need an intern. Now, who do you like so far?

-The one with the big boobs. -I knew it.

All you big-boobed people stick together.

Hi, girls.

Are you having a beauty contest and didn't invite me to give the other girls a chance?

-We're interviewing people to be our intern. -Who doesn't get paid.

Well, this is for you.

You didn't have to do that. You already gave us money for the shop.

I know. I'm too wonderful.

But it's for good luck. And sounds like you're gonna need it.

Oleg says that it's rat central station around here.

Not rats, Sophie. Just rat droppings.

Oh, just rat droppings. Oh, okay, no problem there. Heh-heh.

Are you out of breath because you jogged here all the way from 1974?

Sexy, huh? You should see his badonkadonk when he jogs.

Well, here they are, 60 rat traps!

Girls, I don't want to interfere with your business...

...but what the hell is going on here?

There's no fancy tables or pretty chairs.

I mean, this place is so unappealing, even I don't look good here.

No worries. We have some adorable old-school ice cream tables and chairs...

...on hold at a kooky, fun Staten Island junkyard.

Wow. I can't believe you didn't shoot a blood clot...

...trying to make dump furniture sound cute.

Okay, girls, well, call me when you have a real business.

Yeah, and I'm gonna take this. You know, so that the rats don't poop in it.

Come on, badonkadonk. All right.

Oh, and, Max, oh, she's good, yeah.

I knew it. All you big-boobed people stick together.

Well....

Here we are. The final three.

Well, you know the one I like. I'll give you a clue: one, two.

Standing in front of me, I see two beautiful, qualified young women.

Is she really going all Top Model right now?

If only. They pay.

I'm out, Tyra.

Ruth, congratulations. You've been selected to be our intern.

Max, will you get Ruth started on something?

-Yeah, I got the internship. -Um....

You know what? I got it.

It's not like you're getting paid.

Big-boobed people are so much easier.

As a kid, people told you everything you did was amazing, didn't they?

I was given a lot of positive reinforcement.

It gave me the confidence that's gotten me through this last year.

Well, it's time you heard the truth. You stink at stuff.

Like painting.

Fine. And you stink at stuff too.

Like telling an intern what to do.

Ruth had to go to that concert. She had the tickets for weeks.

It was Ashley D. and Ashley B.'s joint birthday. Duh.

And so the intern is out having fun...

...and here we are, the bosses, painting the walls at 3 a.m.

Well, I'm painting.

You got a kind of autistic ballerina thing going on over there.

Can I ask you something?

I don't like Maroon 5.

No matter how many times you ask, the answer will always be no.

Not that. Would it be okay if I told Andy not to come over tonight...

...because I'm exhausted, or is it too early in the relationship to be all...

...I don't think I can have my legs up around my ears tonight?

It's fine. You don't think he'd enjoy a night off from constant Maroon 5 badgering?

He would.

Feels awkward. Can't. My legs can go up. They're fine.

-I don't wanna have that conversation now. -Hey, look, I get it.

There are conversations you don't want to have...

...like, "Hey, Ruth, here's zero dollars. Put down some rat traps."

We have a box here that's not touched.

Look, we're not talking about your relationship anymore. We're done.

And relax, it's probably not even a rat. It's probably a mouse. Not a big deal.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I see it. There it is.

-The mouse? -That is not a mouse.

That is a car that a mouse drives.

Oh, my God. Where did you see it? It was in the middle, right?

-Shh! -Why are you whispering?

-I don't want him to hear me. -How do you know it's a he?

He looked at me kind of rapey.

-There! It ran behind the thing. -What thing?

-That thing. -This thing? Aah!

-What? Did you see it? -I don't think so.

-Oh, you'd know so. It has a saddle. -Oh!

Oh, my God. He just opened the door with the strength of his whiskers.

He's gone. He went into the kitchen.

What should we do? Should we call the cops?

He doesn't have a gun.

Let's just get out of here. We'll call an exterminator in the morning.

Oh! Too late. He's coming back.

-Aah! He's charging us. -He's gonna bite me.

You can stop now. You painted him to death.

I just got a glimpse of you at a Barneys sample sale.

What a mess. Who's gonna clean that up?

The intern?

Oh, Andy.

I know. I'm good at this.

What? What? Is it another rat?

Max, what are you doing?

I forgot Andy was here.

And your sex voice is the same as your murder voice.

So are you just gonna stand there?

Are you offering me a three-way?

Well, looks like we're about to be a full-blown orgy.

-It's 2 a.m. Who could this be? -It's Ruth.

- Ruth? - Yes. I'm late, right?

Why is she here?

I texted her and said you needed an enema.

Okay, now, this is some industrial strength girl talk.

I had to do something to show her who was boss.

I learned it interning at Condé Nast.

We've all gotten someone an enema in the night. It's a rite of passage.

For someone to get their passage right?

Beat me to it.

There, go open the door. You know what has to happen.

Max has to put Ruth in her place so she can learn how to be a boss.

Oh, that's all?

Good. I thought from your tone, you were gonna force Max to have an enema.

Sorry I'm late. I had the tiniest pot cookie and had to pull over to take a nap.

Anyway, here is your enema. Enjoy.

They only had the triple pack.

Wait, Ruth. Max has something she wants to say to you.

-Max, what did you want to say to Ruth? -Um, thanks for the triple?

Three times the fun.

Sure you don't want me to help you?

Oh, no, it's okay. You took the rat traps out of the box. You need a break.

We couldn't afford the game Mouse Trap when I was a kid.

This is the closest I'm gonna get.

So when do you make the cupcakes?

Um....

-I guess I could make them now. -Fun. I'll go get the coffees, right?

Sure. Of course. Do whatever. You got a life. Who am I to tell you what to do?

Well, here's our Martha Stewart blurb all blown up...

...and ready to roll out and paste up on that wall.

Where's Ruth?

-In the kitchen. -I was just in there.

Then she's in the bathroom.

Oh, my God. You're Han-ing me.

She took a coffee break.

What? She didn't need a break. She just started 20 minutes ago.

Heh. Your rich is really coming out and it is not pretty.

Forgot my phone. I mean, get it together, Ruth, right?

Watch and learn.

Ruth, can you put the rat traps down? One in each corner.

And then you can get coffee later. After interning.

Thanks.

She's kind of a tool, right?

-Max, were you saying something? -Nope.

Ouch, right?

Oh, look at this cage. I think my mom used to dance in it.

Here they are. These are the ones I had the guy hold for us. Only $600 for all of them.

-What do you think, Daddy? -I like them, doll. Wrap them up.

And can Daddy get something he wants?

So cute. Over the counter.

That way, when I'm hung over and taking a nap...

...people can still find the cupcakes.

We can have Ruth clean it. Then paint and reupholster these.

By the way, where is she? She was supposed to be here an hour ago.

-Text and find out where she is. -Why are you so interested in where she is...

...what she's doing? Are you obsessed with her?

I don't wanna make a purse out of her skin. I just want her to do her job.

Never mind. I'll just text her.

Well, be careful. Don't delete any of my penis-with-a-hat pictures.

Even if I did, it's not a big deal. Oleg will always pose again.

Yeah, but I'll never get that little pilgrim hat back.

"Where are you? We needed you here yesterday."

All in caps. Because bosses talk in caps.

Total tool.

Look at that, texted right back because I'm the boss.

She says, "Yesterday was super hard"...

...so she's not feeling great and she can't come in today. Heh.

That's it. She's fired. Here, you have to fire her.

She said she was sick, Condé Nasty.

She's not sick. She's just taking advantage...

...because you're too friendly with her. She works for us.

Yeah, for free.

Why don't you just hollow her out and live inside of her, you monster?

Um, I don't think we were supposed to get this.

"The dumb one wants me to pick up all this crappy furniture, right?

As if. I'll be at the bar in 10. Order me a Bellini."

Oh, who's the monster now? She just called you the dumb one.

Uh, she called you the dumb one.

It's your phone. You're the dumb one.

She knows I don't talk in caps.

-So that's to you, you're the dumb one. -Fire her.

-No, you fire her. -You fire her.

No. You hired her. You fire her.

I wanted to go with Molly Big Boobs.

She'd be here right now, with four chairs on each boob.

Why can't you fire her? It's clear she called you the dumb one.

All right, fine. I know she called me the dumb one. But I can't fire her.

I want to, but there's a block. Right here.

It comes up, and then goes, "Nope." It goes right back down.

I am not supposed to fire someone.

I'm the someone who's supposed to be fired.

So I guess I'm the boss then.

Sounds like a plan. I'll be in my mom's cage.

All right, come on, you lowly worker, help the boss pull these chairs out.

Don't yell at me, boss. I'm blocked.

Wish you had your enemas now, don't you?

They followed us. We walked into a trap!

-It's a vendetta! -Oh, I can't believe this!

Our intern is out having cocktails, and I'm trapped on top of Rat Mountain.

Aah! He's coming after me!

-Oh, my God. -Max, help.

No, you bastards. Get off her.

-Get off. -My foot is caught under this thing.

Max, that was amazing. You just lifted that giant thing up with one hand.

I know. And now I'm gonna fire that bitch.

Wow. You suck at this too.

Sorry I'm late. I was having a dream that I was sleeping in, then I woke up and I was.

Who's the boss?

Tony Danza.

No, Max, who's the boss?

I am.

-Have a seat, Ruth. -Here?

Good call.

In addition to being a boss, I am also a waitress.

But when I do my job, I don't call people dumb.

All right, I do. At least it's to their face.

Oh, you're talking about that thing? I meant Caroline.

No, I know you meant me, because I'm not dumb, and neither is Caroline.

One thing I figured out is that in business...

...maybe I have to be a little more ruthless, meaning no more Ruth. You're fired.

So I'm not getting college credit?

I'll probably get kicked out of school again, but no worries, right?

I'm really proud of how you stuck up for yourself.

You're fired. Sorry, I can't stop.

Look, Max, we're on our way.

English - US - SDH