Original subtitles

Okay, everyone, time to divvy up what's in the lost-and-found box.

If my dignity's in there, tell it I said "what up."

This is my favorite day of the month.

Oh, God, I've fallen so far, so fast.

You haven't fallen that far.

-First item, a scrunchie. -I need that, give me!

I think I hit my bottom.

-Okay, next item, a pregnancy test. -That's empty.

What? I had two free minutes, and you never know.

Can we move this along?

I'm an old man and I need to get to bed.

You're late to meet woman for hot date.

You know it.

A wallet, and....

No money?

What? If I was pregnant, I needed it for the baby.

And finally, for the sixth month in a row, the wig.

The wig!

Han, it's your turn. We've all put it on except you.

If I had to take a picture in it. You have to take a picture in it.

Okay, fine. Man, I'm a fun boss.

Oh, sorry, sir, we're closed.

I was just checking if I left my toupee here.

Take the picture. Quick.

I got it. The new Martha Stewart Living.

I ran so fast, the librarian said, "Stop running."

And I almost said, "This is different, I'm stealing."

Why are you still looking through Martha Stewart Living?

We might be mentioned in it.

Martha said she hadn't forgotten us.

That's what my mother said...

...but I spent a whole night in that parking lot.

Silver lining? I still know the whole rap part to TLC's "Waterfalls."

I'm holding out hope we're in this...

...even though I've been hurt two months in a row.

Oh, God, am I in an abusive relationship with a lifestyle guru?

Okay, let's get this over with.

"How To Make Him Love Your Salmon."

"How To Make Him Love Your Stretch Marks."

Hey, he just doesn't love you.

Activia ad, Activia ad, Activia ad.

We get it, Jamie Lee, you poop a lot.

"Get Your Oven 'Martha Clean', Max's Something Cupcakes."

-Scarf, scarf, scarf. -Wait. Max's Cupcakes?

You just said "Max's Something Cupcakes."

I did?

My ears are not used to anything good coming out of my mouth.

There. There, look.

"Max's Homemade Cupcakes...

...is a Williamsburg must-have!"

What's this? What's my face doing?

-You're smiling, Max. -No way!

Oh, my God. it's a blurb!

Everyone, we got a blurb in Martha Stewart Living!

-Can I get some more coffee? -Are you insane?

Hey, everyone, what's the excitement?

Is it because I'm here?

Sophie, Max's Homemade Cupcakes got a blurb...

...in Martha Stewart Living.

Oh, that's funny.

Because I got a blurb in New York Apartment Life.

Look.

"Sophie's Choice Cleaning Service.

They clean like their life depends on it."

-Well, that's not exactly the same. -No, because, look.

I got three plungers.

Yeah. But I didn't wanna brag.

Must be Andy, wondering if I'm coming over to have sex tonight.

Could my life get any better?

Oh, my God, it could get better. There are, like, 10 cupcake orders here.

Birthday, baby shower, bris.

-Can we do a bris? -Sure.

I'll just make a little rosette foreskin and write around the outside:

"Congratulations on not terrifying women in 20 years."

-Hi, Andy. -Hi, Candy.

Did you see the new Martha Stewart Living?

Oh, sorry, no.

I still have to get through my Glamour and Modern Bride.

And I had sisters, so I'm allowed to know those names.

"A Williamsburg must-have." Nice.

I feel the same way about you.

Oh, cute. But it really doesn't mean anything unless it's in a blurb.

I couldn't wait to show this to you.

I'm so glad you were doing inventory.

It's the weirdest thing...

...the only thing I can't account for is one Elvis Pez dispenser.

Max. Um....

I don't know what you're talking about, but....

Thank you. Thank you very much.

-Can we please get back to the blurb? -You're right.

I should have made a bigger deal about it.

I've been freaked out. There was big drama today.

Drama in a candy store?

Did the yogurt-covered Craisins finally realize...

...how stupid they are and commit mass suicide?

No, but seriously, they pulled some bodies...

...out of the closed-down soup kitchen across the way.

So now we're completely off the blurb?

Some guys broke in, people got shot.

Apparently, it was a drug deal gone wrong.

-Oh, my God. That's horrible. -I know.

Why can't a drug deal ever go right?

-They said it was a real blood bath. -I wanna see it.

Oh, okay, so I'm closing the magazine, then?

Max, you can't go in there. It's a crime scene, there's police tape.

Is she magic?

One of my mom's boyfriends used to rob electronic stores.

He took me once for my birthday.

Uh.... There should be a light switch around here.

-Oh, my God! -Oh, that's really gross.

That's the greatest thing I've ever seen.

Take a picture of me over here. I finally have a reason to join Instagram.

People are gonna be like:

"Food, food, cat, food, nails, nails, murder?"

Guys, I can't be in here.

I get queasy if the meat juice touches my peas.

Is this your first blood splatter? Jeez, someone's a princess.

They are never gonna be able to rent this place.

I'm gonna go over to my store and put blood on the walls so Max will like it.

Max, look around.

-Are you thinking what I'm thinking? -Yep.

The shooter stood here. Based on the blood splatter, he walked with a limp.

And his name was Mad Dog, because I want that to be his name.

No, Max. You know how we've always wanted our own shop?

This is it.

-This is Max's Homemade Cupcakes. -Oh, yeah, I see that.

And we can put our red velvets over there by the random skull fragments.

I thought our shop was gonna be in Manhattan.

Manhattan's over. Williamsburg is the new hot area.

Besides, Martha's blurb says we're a Williamsburg must-have...

...so we must have this space.

No, we must have the money.

I mean, this place has gotta be, like, 4000 a month.

Was. Was 4000 a month. That was the pre-tragedy price.

When people die, it's a buyer's market.

You want to rent a room in that Shining hotel now, it's like 50 bucks a night.

I wanna start a business in a place...

...where there was a shooting spree, and if we go with red, it's half-painted.

-But where are we gonna get the money? -This blurb is our money in the bank.

Oh, yeah, that's another thing we don't have, bank.

There are places set up by women...

...specifically to support women's small businesses.

I'm talking girl-on-girl financing.

That's hot.

But I don't care how much money they offer us, I'm not braiding anyone's hair.

But are we ready?

Okay, yes, this is a big leap of faith...

...but we're getting in lots of orders thanks to the blurb.

And what's the worst thing that could happen?

-Maybe these could be our brains. -No. Not gonna happen.

We're gonna kill it.

No disrespect to any spirits still trying to find their way into the light.

I'll figure out a place. We'll go in the morning.

Find something businessy to wear. Less cleavage.

Oh, these are all business.

Great. I'm gonna go find Andy.

What is it about real estate that makes you wanna dry hump?

Max, I'm so excited. We're getting our dream.

-You look like you want a hug. -I do.

Good night.

"Max's Homemade Cupcakes." You're up.

Why didn't you pick up?

They called us early and I don't know what to write on the paper.

I feel like an idiot. My boobs are suffocating...

...and the only "business" thing I could find was Han's blazer.

There's a piece of paper in the pocket with his name on it.

Why would he have that?

Max's Homemade Cupcakes?

-Time is money. -Um....

Here. But our appointment's not for another 20 minutes.

Have a seat.

Cool place.

Women's Small Businesses. Sisters doing it for themselves.

Well, I'm doing it for the medical benefits.

-Go. -Oh, now?

Before she gets here? Um....

Well, I'm not really much of a business person--

Great way to start a business loan application.

Go. You have a minute.

Okay. Well, um....

-How much time do I have now? -Slightly less than a minute.

Okay, my business partner could explain this better than me.

But I'll try. Ahem.

We have a cupcake business.

I bake cupcakes, and my roommate's....

I can't hear you.

Do you want to write it down? Draw it? Shape it in clay?

Ahem. I would have filled this out more, but that chick wouldn't let me cheat off her.

Not a girl's girl, know what I mean?

Very professional.

Under "Past Loan Repayment," you put:

"Paid Todd back all the beer money I owed."

To be fair, he was drunk all the time, I could've just said I did.

Points for honesty?

Let's get you a new loan application.

Just got your message. The one time I don't come early.

Speaking of that, I just had the most amazing orgasm.

We've been having great sex...

...but this morning, I could not get enough of his...

...projected growth ratio investment analysis.

Hello. Caroline Channing. Wharton, Class of '09.

That's our business proposal.

And I would be a little embarrassed about what just happened...

-...if I didn't know we're all just girls here. -Can we move this along?

I got a busted toilet and a pregnant dog at home.

Why didn't you tell me she was there?

Sorry. I wasn't expecting a monologue from Confessions Of A Call Girl.

I'm afraid we're going to have to deny the loan.

Why? Because she had a good orgasm?

Isn't that what the '70s was about for you gals?

You have no business history, and that's a requirement for us.

-Well, I think we're done here. -Yeah, I just said that.

I thought you guys were about supporting small women's business.

And this small woman's business needs support after the pounding it took today.

Max, let's go.

Okay, there's a bank in New Hampshire that doesn't check anything.

Before someone grabs our cupcake space, I say we get on a bus and go up there.

They won't give out their address...

...but I know they're in a mini mall with a White Castle.

Better idea.

I went to Craigslist, clicked on "etcetera"...

...and found all kinds of opportunities to make some cash.

I'm fighting the instinct to weep, but keep going.

At first, I thought I might call "Pit Pig,"

He wants his armpits smelled, but that's a thousand sniffs. Big commitment.

Or there's the weirdo looking for pretty amputees...

...but that feels like a bigger commitment, so check it:

"Egg donors needed. Ten to 20 grand."

No way, I could never sell my eggs.

Wouldn't you hate to think you had a kid and not know it?

I probably do.

In 2006, I invented the Four Loko and Robitussin smoothie.

It's pretty much a black-out year.

Seriously, for the right price, I'd sell them all.

Really? I mean, I know you've always been tough.

To hear you tell it, you were part of an underground baby Fight Club...

...but don't you want to be a mom someday?

In the history of the world, give me one example of a really good mother.

You're putting me on the spot, all I can think of is Hilary Duff.

Look, you're complicating this with these things you call emotions.

Like it or not...

...I'm an egg farm.

We don't know one single person outside of New Hampshire...

...who can lend us that kind of money.

Yoo-hoo! Girls! Look out the window!

Up here! It's me!

Yeah, Oleg and I would like two cupcakes, please.

I feel weird asking Sophie for money. And how do we even know she has any?

She's building her dream house in Poland...

...between a former death camp and a new W. She's got to be loaded.

Sophie is the kind of woman who understands our dreams.

Come in.

That's what I thought would be on the other side of that door.

Oleg, sweetie, we have company. I brought you an ass pillow.

Nice to see you like this outside of work, girls. No?

No.

Girls, did you see my big hanging thing?

-Yeah, we kind of just saw it. -No.

No, I'm talking about my new chandelier for my lake house.

Yeah, I can totally see you drinking chardonnay under it.

Oh, Max, you are so funny.

-She's a real character. -Yeah, that's not a word.

We just wanted to bring you some more cupcakes, for free...

...per usual, and perhaps talk about a possible business venture.

Oh, sorry, girls, I have two rules in life.

Never drink from the same well as a gypsy...

...and never lend money to friends.

And, Max, you are my friend.

Okay, we were just checking, thanks.

Sophie, just hear us out.

It's a wonderful opportunity and we'll pay you back.

Okay, bye-bye.

Let's go. We tried it. Now it's--

--time.

You are not harvesting your body for money.

What's the big deal?

I sold two kidneys for a down payment on my house.

Not true. You need at least one to live.

Oh, well, they weren't mine.

Well, you know what we have to do. Let's get the berk out of here.

And you're sure you're okay selling your eggs?

What do I care? I've got a million of them.

I'm happy to lose a few. More room for beer.

"Lose some eggs. More room for beer."

It's crazy that's not their slogan.

What'd they ask you on the application?

You know, income, hobbies, did you ever have sex in Africa?

I wish.

The closest I ever got was a dude once put his hand up my skirt...

...in an Ethiopian restaurant.

Now that we're here...

...I think it's wonderful that places like this exist...

...to help women who can't have babies have babies.

Hey. You think they take points off for syphilis?

Max, I think it's really noble what you're doing to get our dream.

This is a very special day.

How do you spell "Chlamydia"?

Well, no K's. And I personally wouldn't heart the "I."

Thanks. And do I gotta put here if my brother touched a kid?

Max Black.

Thank you for your interest, but we're gonna have to pass.

-Why? I didn't have sex in Africa. -Yes, I know. That was your one plus.

But under family history, you put "drinking" and "secrets."

-I was being honest. -Yeah, maybe too honest.

Because under education, you wrote: "Jeopardy reruns"...

...and we're really looking for college graduates.

Jeez, I'll take "Elitist" for 500, Alex.

Sorry, we're looking for girls that come from Ivy League schools...

...and have impressive family backgrounds.

Maybe her eggs didn't go to Wharton...

...and graduate at the top of their class like I did, but just look at her.

Who wouldn't want a baby with such strength, beauty...

...and a rack so great it could breast feed itself?

You went to Wharton?

We pay 20,000 for Ivy League eggs.

Wow, we're taking blood already?

I guess going to Wharton does put you on the fast track.

It's part of the process to become a donor.

I'm gonna go get some vials and I'll be right back.

It's so cool of you to do this. It says a lot about you.

You know what says a lot about me? That I know she tied you off wrong.

I'm happy to do it. It's a small price to pay to make our dream come true.

I'm doing this to pay down some debt. I'm in real deep because of PowerBall.

-Dude, how did you get through? -I went to Harvard.

I'm like crazy good at math.

She's making me nervous, close the curtain.

And, frankly, I'm a little resentful. I didn't get into Harvard.

Are you sure you're okay with this? You seem jumpy.

No, I'm fine. They're just taking a little blood.

Or from the looks of it, they're taking all of it.

There better be a nice juice and a cookie after this.

Please relax. It's only eight vials.

They gotta take a lot to make sure they don't get a kid...

...with another kid growing out of it.

Max, this all just got very real. Hold my hand.

-You know I don't hold hands. -Oh. You lesbians are so high-maintenance.

Please?

You don't think I'm gonna give away my best egg?

I'm not gonna give away the concert pianist...

...and get stuck with the guy who breaks into homes and smells underwear?

Either way, you got a kid with a passion.

-You don't have to do this. -No, I can do this. It's for our dream.

-You don't have to do this. -I can. Put it in.

-It's already in. -I can't do this.

I'm not trashy. I'm not some farm animal.

Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I'm so, so sorry.

You know what'd be cute here? A cupcake store.

Hi, Max. It's chilly outside.

Nipples everywhere.

Have a seat, I'll be right over.

Oh, that's okay, I texted my order in on the way.

Hey, baby. I got your text.

-Did you get my erotic haiku? -I did.

Did you get the picture I sent of me and the Dustbuster?

No, I didn't.

Oh, no! Grandpa Yorgish!

-Look, Earl framed our blurb. -He did? That is so sweet.

What?

I always saw it as bigger, on the wall in our shop.

Look, the shop is an amazing idea...

...and if it's not that space right now, it'll be another.

I mean, there have to be mass murders all over Brooklyn, right?

If we're lucky.

And even if it didn't work out...

...it's still the closest I've ever come to something great. And that's cool.

And someday we'll find someone crazy enough to lend us money.

If you can convince me to believe a dream, you can get anyone.

Pick up.

Here you go, Sophie. That's 11.25.

Oh, you take a check, right?

This is for $20,000.

Oh, is it? I thought it was for 20.

Oh, well, keep it.

Maybe you could use it for your dream, or to get your legs waxed or something.

-Sophie, are you serious? -Yes.

Sophie, this is really, really amazing.

Oh, come on, I don't need a parade.

Just keep the cupcakes coming.

Max, do you know what this means?

We are going to be a Williamsburg must-have.

We're getting our dream.

-I feel like you want a hug. -I do.

English - US - SDH