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1
00:00:02,585 --> 00:00:03,879
Hey.
2
00:00:04,046 --> 00:00:05,881
What are you doing back so early?
3
00:00:06,048 --> 00:00:10,803
-Did Chestnut forget his wallet?
-No, we saw that cat we don't like.
4
00:00:10,970 --> 00:00:15,432
I tried to spray it with the water bottle
but it just laughed at us, so we ran.
5
00:00:15,599 --> 00:00:18,309
-What are you doing out here?
-Enjoying the day.
6
00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:21,230
The coming of autumn
is my favorite time of year.
7
00:00:21,396 --> 00:00:22,772
I love the leaves.
8
00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:25,525
Oh, gross, a condom!
9
00:00:26,568 --> 00:00:30,489
-Oh.
-Wow. I guess autumn really is coming.
10
00:00:30,989 --> 00:00:34,243
-Who would throw that over our wall?
-That cat.
11
00:00:34,784 --> 00:00:38,581
What? He's not only arrogant,
he wants us to know he has sex.
12
00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:44,128
All I know is, if I had nine lives,
I wouldn't wear a condom.
13
00:00:54,345 --> 00:00:58,142
Hey, we should start figuring out
what to do with Chestnut this winter...
14
00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:01,103
...now that it's already
peak condom dropping season.
15
00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:03,731
You're right.
Chestnut is the most important thing.
16
00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:06,650
More importantly,
what do you think of this sweater...
17
00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:08,986
-...I chose for my date with Andy?
-It's nice.
18
00:01:09,153 --> 00:01:12,948
But won't it be hard to pull off
over your head in the cab?
19
00:01:13,156 --> 00:01:16,075
-I'm assuming you'll do it in a cab.
-Max, it's a first date.
20
00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:18,370
That's not appropriate.
21
00:01:18,537 --> 00:01:22,500
Is it? I mean, I've never dated poor.
22
00:01:22,665 --> 00:01:24,668
What is acceptable on a first date?
23
00:01:24,835 --> 00:01:29,131
Well, I'm pretty classy, so anal?
24
00:01:36,388 --> 00:01:37,515
I'm not that poor.
25
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:40,850
Well, you better give him something
to keep him interested...
26
00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:43,938
...because he owns a candy store
and I want free candy forever.
27
00:01:45,396 --> 00:01:46,439
There he is.
28
00:01:46,606 --> 00:01:49,944
Bring him in the yard so he can see me
in my sweater next to my horse.
29
00:01:50,109 --> 00:01:51,236
Okay, freak.
30
00:01:53,364 --> 00:01:55,490
But next time a guy
comes knocking for me...
31
00:01:55,658 --> 00:01:58,743
...take him to my bedroom
so he can see me in my Slayer shirt...
32
00:01:58,911 --> 00:02:00,912
...next to my Gloworm filled with pot.
33
00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:05,709
Hello, sir,
I'm here to pick up your daughter.
34
00:02:05,876 --> 00:02:07,503
What exactly are your intentions?
35
00:02:07,670 --> 00:02:10,548
I don't know,
maybe take her on a romantic hay ride...
36
00:02:10,713 --> 00:02:14,217
...knock her out with chloroform
and sell her kidney for a new iPad.
37
00:02:14,759 --> 00:02:19,098
Son! Come outside.
Ms. Channing wants you to see her...
38
00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:23,352
...looking like the girl who got cut from
the J. Crew catalog for being too white.
39
00:02:23,519 --> 00:02:25,937
Ms. Channing? Max.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait.
40
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,774
Caroline is "Caroline Channing"
Caroline Channing?
41
00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:32,527
Yeah, she used to be a billionaire
but now all her money's in here.
42
00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:34,572
Oh, wait, some of these are buttons.
43
00:02:34,737 --> 00:02:38,533
Oh. Okay. I just thought
she was a regular Williamsburg girl.
44
00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:41,662
No. She doesn't try that hard.
45
00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:46,082
And I was wrong.
46
00:02:46,792 --> 00:02:51,421
-Oh, hi. I didn't hear you knock.
-Well, you two have a good time.
47
00:02:51,588 --> 00:02:55,843
If you don't bring me some Pixie Sticks,
you'll never see my little girl again.
48
00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:58,888
-Way ahead of you.
-Yes!
49
00:03:00,306 --> 00:03:02,473
Yeah, definitely anal.
50
00:03:08,479 --> 00:03:12,067
Oh, baby, look who's a half hour late
for work.
51
00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:14,694
Must have been a hot date
with the candy man.
52
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:18,157
So did you touch his Whatchamacallit?
53
00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:21,200
Did you bring him to Almond Joy?
54
00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:24,163
His Butterfingers got nowhere
near my Mounds.
55
00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:26,331
Now, if we could be adults for a second.
56
00:03:26,497 --> 00:03:29,543
Well, your Mounds are more like Sno-Caps,
but continue.
57
00:03:31,086 --> 00:03:32,211
Well, nothing happened.
58
00:03:32,378 --> 00:03:36,383
Even after four hours of me
breathing heavily and saying:
59
00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:39,510
"I'm having a really good time."
60
00:03:41,347 --> 00:03:43,973
Look, I don't
wanna be this girl, but I think....
61
00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:45,893
Think he might be gay.
62
00:03:46,435 --> 00:03:50,521
He's gay because he's not turned on
by four hours of coffee breath?
63
00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:56,235
What's up?
64
00:03:56,402 --> 00:04:00,074
I'm having a really good time.
65
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,784
I must go to the men's room right now.
66
00:04:09,165 --> 00:04:11,293
That proves nothing.
67
00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:14,295
Oleg is always looking for an excuse
to put it somewhere.
68
00:04:14,462 --> 00:04:17,548
Why do you think
we don't serve bagels anymore?
69
00:04:21,136 --> 00:04:22,971
Andy is not gay.
70
00:04:23,137 --> 00:04:26,432
And I'm not just setting you up for a life
of confusing non-sex...
71
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,894
...for the free candy,
although that does sound like me.
72
00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:31,771
He's really into you.
73
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:36,235
He might be into me,
but he doesn't seem to wanna get into me.
74
00:04:37,485 --> 00:04:39,404
Maybe he just wants me as a friend.
75
00:04:39,571 --> 00:04:42,449
No way. You are, like,
80 pounds and a coke addiction shy...
76
00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:45,911
...from being qualified
to be a gay guy's female friend.
77
00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:49,163
What's so important
you two have to be in here gabbing...
78
00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:50,790
...when there are customers?
79
00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:54,545
Caroline and I were discussing
if someone we know is gay.
80
00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:58,382
I once had a homosexual experience
in college.
81
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:05,680
With another girl?
82
00:05:07,348 --> 00:05:09,893
No. There was a boy
who was interested in me.
83
00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:11,812
He was captain of the football team.
84
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,981
He would come to my dorm room
and ask me to do his homework...
85
00:05:15,149 --> 00:05:17,776
...and then he would leave.
86
00:05:17,942 --> 00:05:22,072
Oh. Never mind.
I never had a homosexual experience.
87
00:05:23,449 --> 00:05:26,451
Keep wearing those sweaters, Han,
it'll happen.
88
00:05:31,372 --> 00:05:34,209
And if you think your life sucks now,
it just got worse.
89
00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:38,047
Look, a new hipster strain. Ironic Amish.
90
00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:42,843
No way. I'm taking care of these two
butter churners right now.
91
00:05:43,593 --> 00:05:47,889
Look, I'm telling you
what I told Mumford & Sons. Get out.
92
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:53,896
Go. Go, you hipster Amish wannabes.
93
00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:57,858
-But we really are Amish.
-Yes. We're here on Rumspringa.
94
00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:01,444
And I'm here on a little bit of vodka.
95
00:06:01,612 --> 00:06:03,112
It's sort of like spring break.
96
00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:06,617
We get to leave the ways of the Amish
and experience the modern world.
97
00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:09,620
Well, I beggeth thy forgiveness.
98
00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:12,372
Haveth a seat-eth in the booth-eth.
99
00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:15,375
Have a seat in the booth.
100
00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:19,922
Earl, I got two Amish in my booth.
101
00:06:20,088 --> 00:06:25,468
Well, let them know right up front that we
don't accept traveler's checks or livestock.
102
00:06:27,178 --> 00:06:29,098
-So Amish, huh?
-Yes, ma'am.
103
00:06:29,264 --> 00:06:31,516
-From Pennsylvania.
-Ma'am?
104
00:06:31,682 --> 00:06:34,310
You know what? That's kind of hot.
105
00:06:34,478 --> 00:06:36,355
I always thought I'd have to wait
20 more years...
106
00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:39,649
...to be a cougar, but, rwarr, here I am.
107
00:06:40,776 --> 00:06:43,194
Why don't I bring you boys some coffee,
on me?
108
00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:46,615
We can't drink coffee, ma'am.
Coffee is the devil in a cup.
109
00:06:46,824 --> 00:06:49,283
We can do whatever we want, Jacob,
we're in New York.
110
00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:52,204
-Yeah, Jacob. Listen to, uh....
-Jebediah.
111
00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:53,497
For real?
112
00:06:56,582 --> 00:06:59,418
Did you see the size of her nursers?
113
00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:08,553
-Those guys are for real Amish.
-I love the Amish culture.
114
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,012
You love every culture.
115
00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:13,225
You salute the flags at IHOP
when we walk by.
116
00:07:15,853 --> 00:07:17,353
Oh, my God, that's it.
117
00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:20,064
Max, question.
What are the Amish known for?
118
00:07:20,231 --> 00:07:23,901
Oh, no, it's sixth grade all over again.
Just give me an F and move on.
119
00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:26,654
Barns! They build barns. And we need--
120
00:07:26,822 --> 00:07:29,031
We need a barn for Chestnut! Come on.
121
00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:30,492
And let me do the talking.
122
00:07:30,658 --> 00:07:32,702
I am very good at manipulating
young boys.
123
00:07:32,870 --> 00:07:36,415
I once got a 10 year old I was babysitting
to buy me a box of Pop Tarts...
124
00:07:36,581 --> 00:07:38,457
...with his allowance.
125
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:45,215
-So this is our place. Not much, but....
-You have so many possessions.
126
00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:48,759
-Are you rich, ma'am?
-Yes.
127
00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:51,930
And I have to say, this "ma'am" thing
is still working for me.
128
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:56,185
Okay, Jacob.
That's enough with the lights.
129
00:07:56,393 --> 00:08:00,480
There will be plenty of time for fun
with electricity tomorrow, but it's late.
130
00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:02,399
Let's discuss sleeping arrangements.
131
00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:05,776
You two can sleep out here
and Max and I will sleep in her bed.
132
00:08:05,944 --> 00:08:07,196
Okay.
133
00:08:07,362 --> 00:08:11,533
- Oh, sorry, I left my bra.
- Your bra?
134
00:08:11,699 --> 00:08:14,786
Jacob, stop acting like a child.
I'm sorry about him.
135
00:08:14,952 --> 00:08:18,624
Don't be. At least it was her bra,
mine would have killed the kid.
136
00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:25,422
We could drive our truck
to my uncle's lumber yard in the morning...
137
00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:27,007
...and get wood for the barn.
138
00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:29,300
There seems to be plenty of wood
right here.
139
00:08:29,468 --> 00:08:30,552
Oh, hello.
140
00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:34,389
Don't be embarrassed, Jacob.
141
00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:37,267
It's perfectly natural
when you're exposed to new things.
142
00:08:37,433 --> 00:08:41,855
The first time I saw a picture of those
fat twins on scooters, I was hard for days.
143
00:08:42,730 --> 00:08:45,067
Why don't you go outside
and play with the horse?
144
00:08:45,234 --> 00:08:46,985
Okay.
145
00:08:47,152 --> 00:08:49,488
And thank you for letting us
stay at your place.
146
00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:50,905
Your home is dope.
147
00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:53,033
You don't even know what that means.
148
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,701
It's hipster talk, Jacob,
and it's awesome.
149
00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:00,874
Are we sure this is a good idea?
150
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,583
You saw how turned on he was.
151
00:09:02,750 --> 00:09:05,962
He was practically raising a barn
in his pants.
152
00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:08,173
We're fine. They're fine.
153
00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:12,009
Just a typical male reaction
to a couple of hot cougars like us.
154
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:18,057
You know what isn't
a typical male reaction?
155
00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:20,936
Not calling or texting a girl
you're interested in.
156
00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:24,105
-Well, why don't you just text Andy then?
-What should I text?
157
00:09:24,273 --> 00:09:26,774
"Why so gay, question mark"?
158
00:09:26,984 --> 00:09:30,070
I don't know.
The only thing I've ever texted to a guy is:
159
00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:33,490
"There's a cop behind you,
walk past me."
160
00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:38,828
-Just say "hey."
-Okay, I can do that.
161
00:09:39,705 --> 00:09:44,209
"Hey."
Huh. It autocorrected to "gay."
162
00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:50,716
Even the phone's getting that vibe.
There, sent it. "Hey."
163
00:09:50,881 --> 00:09:53,051
-Do you think I could grab a beer?
-Yes.
164
00:09:53,217 --> 00:09:56,721
-No.
-Look, they're working for us for free.
165
00:09:56,888 --> 00:09:59,725
-One beer each.
-Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.
166
00:09:59,890 --> 00:10:02,269
You can't give underage kids
beer in our home.
167
00:10:02,436 --> 00:10:05,022
Why? Isn't that what love is?
168
00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:09,650
Jebediah, beer is the devil's saliva.
169
00:10:11,485 --> 00:10:14,280
Neighbors come a-calling
after midnight in Williamsburg?
170
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:17,658
Where is this William?
I'd like to compliment him on his burg.
171
00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:20,370
Hi, girls, I just came down for a cupca--
172
00:10:21,580 --> 00:10:26,375
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold on!
173
00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:30,547
Who are the two cute puppies
in the kitchen?
174
00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:32,381
Look at you two.
175
00:10:32,548 --> 00:10:34,717
You are the cutest little things.
176
00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:38,596
Yes, you are. Ooh!
And this one has erection.
177
00:10:44,186 --> 00:10:49,607
Jacob, don't look directly at her,
she's like an eclipse with boobs.
178
00:10:50,232 --> 00:10:54,488
Sorry, girls, I didn't mean to interrupt
your lover's session.
179
00:10:54,653 --> 00:10:57,032
Sophie, they're just here to build a barn.
180
00:10:57,198 --> 00:11:00,869
Oh, sure. Heh-heh. Wink, wink.
181
00:11:01,035 --> 00:11:03,496
Building a barn.
Is that what we're calling it now?
182
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,456
Wink, wink. Heh-heh.
183
00:11:05,624 --> 00:11:08,876
Caroline's telling the truth, Sophie.
It's strictly business.
184
00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:12,464
Oh, so you're paying for them?
185
00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:16,592
Okay. Ooh-la-la!
186
00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:21,181
How much do they cost?
Because, yeah, I also need a barn.
187
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:23,557
Wink, wink. Heh-heh.
188
00:11:23,725 --> 00:11:25,559
Well, here's your cupcake, good night.
189
00:11:25,726 --> 00:11:28,687
Oh, but I want to play with the puppies.
190
00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:32,359
It's very late,
you can come back in the morning.
191
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,027
Oh.
192
00:11:34,193 --> 00:11:38,948
This is like when they canceled
Christmas in my village.
193
00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:43,412
Look. Look at his pants.
That one misses me.
194
00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:47,456
Nighty-night, puppies.
195
00:11:52,671 --> 00:11:53,879
That must be Andy.
196
00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:58,384
Emojis? He sent me emojis?
197
00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:03,306
All I get back are tiny little pictures when
I spent the time and energy to write "hey"?
198
00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:06,684
Rainbow, dollar sign, muffin.
Could be worse.
199
00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:10,563
I once got naked guy, naked girl,
tombstone.
200
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:13,732
I wasn't sure what it meant,
but I immediately got tested.
201
00:12:16,193 --> 00:12:20,782
Yep, Chestnut, pretty soon you'll be safe
and sound with a roof over your head...
202
00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:22,826
...and you and I can finally be safe...
203
00:12:22,993 --> 00:12:26,745
...from the unending torment
of that condom-throwing cat.
204
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:28,956
All ready for my second date.
205
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:34,462
Slut, party of one. Slut, party of one.
206
00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:38,674
You know it. Plus, I'm taking him to that bar
where only cheap girls go to get laid.
207
00:12:38,841 --> 00:12:40,302
You know, the one you like.
208
00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:43,721
Oh, the Just Slip It Inn.
209
00:12:43,889 --> 00:12:47,558
And if that place plus this outfit
doesn't put his pedal to my metal...
210
00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:49,311
...it's clearly never happening.
211
00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:52,105
Well, that outfit's sexy,
but not foolproof.
212
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:55,107
Oh, it's not? Follow me, please.
213
00:12:58,278 --> 00:12:59,988
Jacob?
214
00:13:01,655 --> 00:13:03,325
And I'm not saying I'm that hot...
215
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:07,162
...but I've never seen anybody drop wood
and get wood at the same time.
216
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:10,789
Hey, baby. Mama's gonna get day laid.
217
00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:15,253
Max, would it be okay
if we take our shirts off?
218
00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:17,172
-We're sweating and--
-Yes.
219
00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:19,966
I mean, sure, whatever, if you want to.
220
00:13:23,345 --> 00:13:26,889
Oh, crap, I don't have any ones.
221
00:13:27,057 --> 00:13:29,017
Could you spray me
with the water bottle?
222
00:13:29,183 --> 00:13:31,644
Oh, right. Oh, I'm gonna spray you.
223
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,687
Is that what you think is gonna happen?
224
00:13:33,855 --> 00:13:35,815
I'm gonna spray you and get turned on...
225
00:13:35,981 --> 00:13:39,735
...then I'll start spraying stutter-stud,
and then we're all having sex?
226
00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:43,948
No, Max, I got them.
Here you go, puppies.
227
00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:48,912
Oh, now I wet the shy one.
228
00:13:52,874 --> 00:13:56,919
Oh, and boys, I'm gonna need you to
come up here next and fix something...
229
00:13:57,086 --> 00:13:59,297
...because it broke.
230
00:13:59,463 --> 00:14:00,548
What's broken?
231
00:14:00,715 --> 00:14:02,801
Oh....
232
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:09,099
That.
233
00:14:13,687 --> 00:14:15,145
Look at the couple behind us.
234
00:14:15,312 --> 00:14:17,982
I mean, save some for the men's room stall,
am I right?
235
00:14:19,024 --> 00:14:21,110
I'm having a really good time.
236
00:14:21,278 --> 00:14:24,197
-What?
-I'm having a really good time!
237
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:28,409
I think we need more drinks.
Would you like a Jack and Coke?
238
00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:30,495
Or maybe just a Jack?
239
00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:41,965
Oh, no. If you're calling me,
then the date's not going well.
240
00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:45,509
I'm not crazy. He did hunt me down
and beg me to go out with him.
241
00:14:45,677 --> 00:14:49,096
Nothing again?
Well, maybe he's not feeling that place.
242
00:14:49,264 --> 00:14:50,307
He's the only one.
243
00:14:50,472 --> 00:14:54,184
It's so horny here I'm about to have sex
with the couple at the next table...
244
00:14:54,351 --> 00:14:56,687
...and they're both redheads,
which is so gross.
245
00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:59,857
Hold on a second. Um, hey, guys.
246
00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:04,195
-Yeah?
-Perfect, thanks.
247
00:15:04,361 --> 00:15:06,530
I mean,
why did he even ask me out again?
248
00:15:06,697 --> 00:15:09,366
-Well, I kind of might of have said something.
-Max!
249
00:15:09,533 --> 00:15:13,203
Now, I'm even more humiliated.
You forced a gay guy to go out with me?
250
00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:16,875
Who am I,
the girl with lupus at the prom?
251
00:15:17,042 --> 00:15:18,835
Andy is not gay.
252
00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:22,630
He hasn't said one mean thing about
strangers while I've been around him.
253
00:15:22,797 --> 00:15:26,216
Well, then he's paralyzed from
the waist down and hides it by walking.
254
00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:29,803
-Okay, that's it. I'm leaving.
-No, don't.
255
00:15:29,971 --> 00:15:32,807
I'll come there. Maybe it'll help.
You two were really hot...
256
00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:35,351
-...when I was standing between you.
-True.
257
00:15:35,518 --> 00:15:38,145
Okay, and hurry.
I don't wanna go home with the redheads.
258
00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:40,731
Why do they even let them in here?
259
00:15:40,899 --> 00:15:43,025
Leaving here is probably
a good idea anyway.
260
00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:47,447
If I stay any longer, I'm gonna do something
I'll have to pretend to regret.
261
00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:56,288
Whoa! How weird running into you guys
here at my favorite bar...
262
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:58,750
...that I come to all the time just because.
263
00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:03,462
-Hi, Andy. These guys are our friends.
-We're Amish.
264
00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:05,005
Awesome band name.
265
00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:08,509
-Max, why did you bring them?
-I was afraid to leave them home.
266
00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:12,263
Sophie was running out of things
to break in her apartment.
267
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:14,640
-So, what are you guys drinking?
-Beer.
268
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,684
Shut it, Jacob, or I will smite thee.
269
00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:18,186
Wait, uh, I'll go with you.
270
00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:21,690
FYI, I'm leaving with the redheads
in five minutes.
271
00:16:23,732 --> 00:16:25,693
Hi. Can I get a pitcher of tap, please?
272
00:16:26,403 --> 00:16:28,196
Would you like to dance, Caroline?
273
00:16:28,363 --> 00:16:31,490
Oh, thank you,
but that is so not my thing.
274
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:35,828
And besides, that's not so much
a dance floor as an STD mosh pit.
275
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:37,163
Awesome.
276
00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:40,207
So she called you, right?
277
00:16:40,375 --> 00:16:42,836
I saw her talking on the phone
using hand gestures.
278
00:16:43,001 --> 00:16:44,796
I figured it was about the date.
279
00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:47,841
Hey, I'm gonna try
and put this as politely as I can...
280
00:16:48,006 --> 00:16:50,759
...but what the hell is wrong with you?
Make a move.
281
00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:54,013
-Max, I really like her, but....
-What is the "but"?
282
00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:58,143
-But she's Caroline Channing.
-And you're Andy Something. So?
283
00:16:58,308 --> 00:17:00,937
I'm Andy Something
who owns a small candy store...
284
00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:05,066
-...and she was practically a princess.
-Was. Was a princess.
285
00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:10,279
Now she has five pairs of underwear
and hasn't done laundry in eight days.
286
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:14,451
Max, honestly, I mean,
I used those stupid emojis to buy time...
287
00:17:14,616 --> 00:17:17,953
...to figure out what I wanted to say.
That's why emojis exist.
288
00:17:18,121 --> 00:17:22,584
So guys like me don't have to say,
"I'm not good enough. I sell gum."
289
00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:25,377
She's the same girl
you met in your candy store.
290
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:29,465
No, she's not. That was just a regular
pretty Williamsburg girl.
291
00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:32,218
Now she's refined
rich Caroline Channing.
292
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:39,392
He thinks you're rich and refined.
293
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:42,311
-It's a real boner blocker.
-What?
294
00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:44,730
He found out who you were
and he's intimidated.
295
00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:48,151
You have to act cheap and unrefined.
It's the only way.
296
00:17:49,193 --> 00:17:51,779
Here we go.
I also ordered you guys some nachos.
297
00:17:51,945 --> 00:17:54,782
No jalapenos,
I know that's the devil's garnish.
298
00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:58,952
Great. Nachos.
They're so low-rent, like me.
299
00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:04,083
But first, I'm gonna chug some draft beer
like I always do.
300
00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:11,965
And now I'm gonna freak dance.
Slut, party of one.
301
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:15,511
Come on, Jacob,
I'm gonna tear that ass up.
302
00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:17,888
You are?
303
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:25,980
Really think we about to end it
Like that
304
00:18:26,146 --> 00:18:29,692
Really think we about to end it
Like that
305
00:18:31,027 --> 00:18:33,988
See. That's not special at all.
306
00:18:34,739 --> 00:18:37,951
We up in the party
Like that
307
00:18:38,116 --> 00:18:41,996
Really think we about to end it
Like that
308
00:18:42,163 --> 00:18:45,541
Really think we about to end it
Like that
309
00:18:45,708 --> 00:18:50,547
Oh, my God, call the paramedics!
I danced an Amish boy to death!
310
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:03,142
Look at poor Jacob. I feel awful.
311
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:06,563
It was just a panic attack
coupled with his first orgasm.
312
00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:08,772
The paramedics said he'll be fine.
313
00:19:08,940 --> 00:19:12,026
I think that's what they said.
It was hard to hear over all their laughing.
314
00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:21,493
More emojis from Andy.
Christmas tree, fireworks, martini glass.
315
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:25,498
-Okay. That's it. I'm done.
-Well, here he comes.
316
00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:30,545
-What is this supposed to mean?
-Oh, that? That means....
317
00:19:37,175 --> 00:19:39,596
I love emojis.
318
00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:42,181
I think my work here is done.
319
00:19:43,473 --> 00:19:47,936
Max, I'm gonna go with Jacob in that thing
we wouldn't let take our grandmother.
320
00:19:48,104 --> 00:19:51,356
And I just wanted to say goodbye
and thank you for everything.
321
00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:55,028
You built us a barn, we almost
killed your friend, I'd say we're even.
322
00:19:55,193 --> 00:19:58,280
Jacob says he's gonna go home,
but I met this girl in the bar...
323
00:19:58,448 --> 00:20:01,451
...whose roommate overdosed yesterday,
so there's a spare room.
324
00:20:01,617 --> 00:20:04,412
-I've decided to stay.
-Cool.
325
00:20:04,953 --> 00:20:08,540
So got any words of wisdom
for a kid trying to make it in the world?
326
00:20:09,250 --> 00:20:10,710
No, do you?
327
00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:15,213
Look, just know you're gonna struggle for
a while. Someone's gonna ask what time it is.
328
00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:18,300
When you look at your watch,
he's gonna put his penis on you.
329
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:21,386
But like Dan Savage says, it gets better.
330
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:24,766
It hasn't for me, so maybe
that only applies to questioning teens.
331
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:27,268
In short,
there's really no point to anything...
332
00:20:27,434 --> 00:20:31,772
...but sometimes you get to eat candy
or have sex and that's when it all feels right.
333
00:20:35,192 --> 00:20:36,402
Oh, no.
334
00:20:38,570 --> 00:20:39,697
Caroline, the cat.
335
00:20:41,865 --> 00:20:43,785
I'm on my own. Fine.
336
00:20:46,537 --> 00:20:50,959
Oh, no, you bastard. Not tonight.
It is not going down tonight.
337
00:20:55,171 --> 00:20:56,547
All right, you win this one.
338
00:21:27,703 --> 00:21:29,705
English - US - SDH
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