Original subtitles

Come on, Chappie, where are you?

Who's Chappie? You know, he's the groundskeeper over at the college.

He's got a bat autographed by Willie Mays, and he's selling it. And tonight,

yours truly is going to sucker him out of it.

Come on, Chappie, the spider wants his fly.

Idiots! Doesn't anybody know how to drive anymore?

When I honk, it means to move out of the way. And this humidity, I just love

sweating 28 hours a day.

Fix the rug.

She's a tad cranky, you know.

Yeah. All right, all right, it's Chappie.

Our sucker always rings twice.

Hey, Chappie, come on in there, buddy.

Chappie, this is Mona and Angela.

I barely made it.

Oh, some sweaty little brown -haired girl was honking at me like...

And so I just up and give her the old... Oh, it's okay.

A little fill in the blanks there, chap.

There she is, Tony, my beloved Willie Mays.

I figure it ought to be worth about $200.

Oh, chappy, chappy. I think you're living in your own private little Idaho

there, pal.

I think you're going to have to come down to at least $100 to get a response.

I don't know, Tony. You got me over a barrel. I need the money.

The government is thinking of cutting back on my Medicare.

That's terrible.

I know.

I got to start saving money. If something happens, I'll be wiped out.

Out on the street, cold and alone.

Go in for the kill. Go in for the kill.

So you're saying...

100, huh?

No, I said 200.

And I'll pitch in 100.

And another 100.

From her.

Oh, you're just feeling sorry for me. Well, uh, well, yes, yes. And for you

for all senior citizens. I mean, every time you turn around, Washington is

sticking it to the little guy.

What am I going to do? Fight the U .S. government?

I can't even work my toaster oven.

You've got to stand up for yourself here, chappy. I mean, senior citizens

be taken care of. They should be revered and respected and held up on a

pedestal.

Sorry,

I had onion rings.

Nevertheless, I'm getting fed up. I mean, if they're not cutting care for

elderly, they're cutting education.

It's got to stop.

It's got to stop.

And that's why I wanted to get together with you. I mean, Silver Citizens is one

of the most effective elderly rights groups around today. And we're here to

sure that we defeat that Medicare cutback proposal no matter what it

to help get the word out, I'm putting my advertising agency at your disposal.

Now, now, my talents are a bit more domestic.

I could arrange a bake sale to raise money.

I make a coconut cluster that'll put hair on your ankles.

I've got a better idea, Tony.

We were given time next week to speak to a Senate committee, and we need an

eloquent spokesman. I think you'd be perfect.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, a young man like you representing us would really shake

But, I mean, I have to think about this, you know. Stop thinking and do it.

Well, wait a minute. I'm just going to up and leave you with all my

responsibilities? Well, you won't. We'll take the whole family. We'll go to

Washington for a couple days, see the sights.

I mean, this doesn't sound crazy to you?

What? That they chose one of the most sincere, well -spoken men I know to be

their spokesperson?

No.

Hey, hey, hey, Washington, here I come, huh?

Supreme or two.

Found a trail and at the end was you.

There's a path you take and a path not taken. The choice is up to you, my

friend. It ain't so long but you might awaken to a brand new

Isn't this great, huh? Nothing beats the train.

A plane does.

Quirt's right. There isn't even a movie on this tin can.

Wait a minute. Who needs a movie when you got all this great scenery?

Come on. It's dark and rainy. We can't see anything anyway.

All right. Well, who needs scenery, huh? This train ride is a great chance for

us to be one big happy family.

I'm bored.

Stop whining. I'm warning you two. He started it. He knew it.

Come bug off.

That's the spirit.

Hey,

Sam. How you doing, honey?

Terrific. Watching the countryside go by has really helped my mood. Oh, good.

What are you writing?

A poem I wrote. It's called The Land That Heals.

Oh, can I hear it?

Sure.

Let me flow along this river. Let me glide along the dusk. Let me stick a

drill into my ex -boyfriend's head and drill until his brains leak out.

Thanks, Sam. That's fine.

Thanks.

Sam doing any better? Oh, yeah, she's a different person.

You don't want to go near her after dark.

How's the speech coming? Oh, I think it's coming pretty good, you know? I

it cost me a whole night's sleep, but after seven drafts, I think I got it.

Well, you know, if you need a sounding board.

Really? I'd love you to hear it.

Yeah? Yeah, sure. Oh,

man, I'm a little...

Okay, I'm a little tired.

Okay, now, you be honest, okay? Ladies and gentlemen, America's senior citizens

are a shining light on a dark horizon.

Oi?

What do you mean, oi? What do you mean, it's no good?

Oh, no, it's just a little... sickeningly gloppy.

Gee, Angela, don't hold back.

You know, I was just trying to be honest.

Well, honesty's good. Honesty's good. Look, let me skip down a little bit

Try this. Try this. By 1998, senior citizens will make up more than 13 % of

entire... Oi.

Oi, what's the matter? None of that was sick anymore, gloppy.

Worse, sort of, Tony. You know, it's dull.

It's statistics.

You see, you might as well shoot them with tranquilizer darts.

All right, look. Forget honesty.

Try lying.

It's a brilliant speech.

You think so?

Well, I do.

Sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. That's all right. What?

We can't be there already.

Hey, Washington looks so rural.

I mean, all I see is cows and farms and a sign that says, Welcome to Delaware.

Everyone, please.

We have a little problem. Yeah, yeah. We're in Delaware.

There's a mudslide on the tracks up ahead.

Wait a minute. Look, I got an appointment at 10 in the morning. Now,

me. How long are we going to be stuck here? Probably all night.

We should have taken the plane.

Tony!

Chappy and friend.

Excuse me, Florence. My bunkie and I have got to have a talk.

Hurry back.

Oh, I will.

You missed the signal. What signal?

The hanger on the door.

That means if this room's a -rockin', don't come a -knockin'.

Chappy, this is my room,

too. I need my rest. I didn't sleep at all last night, and I got a big day

tomorrow.

Well, with any luck, I'm gonna have a big night tonight.

All right, I'll tell her to leave. if that's what you want.

Hi,

what's up?

Chappie's libido.

It's entertaining.

Oh.

Hey, Mona's not here?

No, it's karaoke night in the club car.

Oh, well, good. She'll probably be gone all night, then. You think I could use

her bunk?

Oh. Of course. Oh, thank you. Great, great.

I really need to sleep. Yeah, right.

I really do.

Oh, come on. Please, please, just work. Just work. I'm so tired.

You know, this must be what hell is like.

Warmer, perhaps, and noisy with the anguished cry of the undead.

But otherwise, just the same.

Tony, I'll get the conductor. Maybe he can fix it. No, don't get him. He hates

me already.

Look, do you mind? I think I'll just sleep here right on the floor, okay?

Oh. Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Excuse me. This will be fine.

Yeah? Yeah, sure.

This will be great.

Comfortable. Oh, yeah, snug as a bug.

Tony, get up. Oh, I think I just inhaled a dust ball.

Look, this is an emergency situation. There's only one logical option.

We mount cows and gallop into Washington.

We share this bed.

Tony, Tony, Tony, stop.

Stop it. There is nothing to be uptight about.

We're best friends.

And I see my best friend exhausted and needing rest for a very important date

tomorrow.

Yeah, but, Angela, I don't know. I mean, you're you, and I'm me. Tony, Miss

Kelly, get in this bed.

Just pretend

like we're alone.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll pretend like I'm...

I'm sleeping alone, huh?

Tony.

Yeah. Tony.

Yeah. You're not alone. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I like to sleep on my side.

Okay.

Okay. Okay. How's that? Is that better?

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Yeah, that's much better.

Okay, good night. Good night, Angel. Good night, Tony.

You know, that, uh... That perfume you're wearing is, uh...

Is wow.

I'm not wearing perfume.

Yeah, yeah, good night, Angela.

Oh, I mean, who are we kidding, Angela?

I mean, it's one thing to be mature and adult.

I mean, you know, but it's another thing to be in the same bed.

A little bed, I might add.

My heart's pounding. Our mind's racing.

I mean, I'm going crazy and I know you are too.

Angela.

Angela.

Why didn't you put a hanger on the door?

This is not what it looks like.

Angela, Angela.

Oh, Tony.

Or sounds like.

Whoa!

that this is not what it looks like?

Listen, Chappy needed his space and I needed a place to bunk.

So why didn't you use the upper bunk? It was stuck. It wouldn't open.

I must have loosened it last night.

I think you loosened a couple of things last night.

Nothing happened. Okay, nothing.

We know, we know.

Nothing's happened all these years. Why should it change now?

Oh, well, it could have.

Oh, yeah. Not even the romance of a train could get you two together.

Oh, yeah, Mona?

Oh, yeah, let me tell you something, Mona. Oh, I can tell you plenty. You

me and Angela could tell you plenty about last night.

I saw fireworks myself.

Tony,

you sound like you're a little bit on edge. Didn't you get much sleep last

night? Other than blinking, my eyes never closed.

Oh, you lost another night's sleep, you poor thing.

What's with the grin?

Nothing.

It's just very flattering that as tired as you were, you couldn't sleep lying

next to me.

Unlike some people.

That's true, but, um...

I slept more warm and sound lying next to you last night than I have in months.

And in a way, that's as special as anything else that could have happened.

Yeah?

Hey, we're moving!

We're moving!

Hey, you know, if we go right to the Senate, we'll make it in plenty of time.

Tony, I think you ought to get some sleep. You need it.

Desperately. No, no, no. Me, me. No, I'm fine. I'm fine. A hundred percent. A

hundred percent. Besides, we'll be landing in 40 minutes.

Tony, Tony, we're on a train. Oh, good, good, good. I thought we were cruising a

bit low.

You know, a metal

detector is so impersonal.

Maybe you should pat me down.

How are you feeling, Tony?

Like a million bucks, Jonathan.

But you're so dead tired.

Yeah, well, you know, a shower and a gallon of coffee. I feel like a new man.

Our next speaker on the issue of Medicare cutbacks is Mr.

Anthony Maselli. That's me.

Good morning.

I'm Tony Maselli.

Good morning.

We understand...

You represent Silver Citizens, is that correct?

Good morning, I'm Tony Maselli.

You already said that.

Mr. Maselli, you have a statement to make. Yes, yes, you bet I do, you bet I

But first, I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Tony Maselli.

And since I'm here to discuss the rights of the elderly, I thought it would be a

good idea to bring along this old goat.

is chappy.

He's a decent man, a caring man.

You know, from this angle, his nose looks like a big, funny rock.

For God's sake, get the net ready.

Tony, I'm sorry.

Read your speech.

Oh, my speech? You said my speech was dull.

You said, oy, oy, you said, oy.

Oy, oy, they're like verbal daggers.

Tony, you're not all right. You're delirious. Oh, if I was delirious, could

this, Angel?

You do not tap dance in the U .S. Senate. Well, maybe that's what's wrong

America, Angela. Too much high -tech weaponry and not enough tap dancing.

Tony, Tony, Tony.

Read your speech.

Okay. Yes, yes.

You know what?

I want to stand for this.

My legs need stretching and Chappie had onion rings again.

I'm here to address the proposed...

Medicare cutbacks to older Americans.

Oh, that's pretty neat.

How fast can you do that? Can you do it this fast?

Mr. Maselli.

Whoa.

Coolamundo.

I'm on camera.

Will you please get out of your statement, sir?

Oh, yes, yes, my statement.

Here's my statement.

I want you to help old people, so help them.

This is Wolf Blitzer on Capitol Hill.

Now back to Here Come the Brides, already in progress.

Dad, you are so tired. Let's just get you back to normal. Oh, my poor

my little baby Samantha.

This angel was hurt by love.

Go ahead, Sam.

Go ahead, read your poem to them. Go ahead. Oh, no, Dad, I don't think so.

no, come on, Sam.

Drill into his head until his brains leak out. And they gave her a C in third

grade English.

Tony, think about what you're doing. You're not helping Chappie, and you're

helping your cause.

You're done for the day, Mr. Mastelli. I'm calling a lunch break. Oh, you're

calling a lunch break, huh? Well, isn't that just like you politicians?

Pardon me?

Dining on roast duck and caviar and sucking down wine spritzes while

senior citizens go on being neglected.

Shame. Shame on all of us for what we do.

Forgotten by family.

Forgotten by friends. And worst of all, forgotten by the government of their own

country. A country that they worked their whole lives for. Fought in wars

Shame. Shame on all of us. Shame.

We are facing a deficit, Mr. Maselli. We have to make cuts. Oh, you have to make

cuts, huh? Well, would you like to see just who your cuts are hurting?

They're hurting decent men like Chappie. Hey, Chappie, stand up. Let them get a

good look at you. Why? So they can see my funny rock -like nose?

No matter. I'm fighting for you. I'm fighting for all older Americans. And I

to them, do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying light.

Did I just make that up?

No, it's a poem by Dylan Thomas. Oh, right.

Mr. Rastelli, I think we've heard quite enough. No, you haven't. There's one

more thing I have to say.

Angela and I did not sleep together last night.

There, there, your reputation's safe.

It's in the congressional record.

Was that really your natural scent?

That's all, folks.

Oi.

I'm Christine Morrison, and I'm from Senator Weber's office.

And I hope we can persuade you to work with him.

Tony, I like you.

And I think we work great together.

And I'm not just talking professionally.

I know you're after him.

You're not going to get him.

Tony and I are good together. And nobody, especially you, is going to get

way.