Original subtitles

Three, four, five, six, Mrs. Rossini, you certainly have a lot of stuff for

three days. Oh, no, just the basics.

That's Italian, for I left the major appliances at home.

Where do you want this, Mrs. Rossini?

No, where's my goldfish?

I think he's in the cat.

I've got him. Thank God.

Get that filthy animal out of here. Don't worry, we're putting the cat out.

cat?

Please, Mother. She's been through a really rough time. Oh, it was awful.

woman was murdered right across the hall from me. I told that guy left at the

stairway.

Mona, Mrs.

Rossini's building's been cordoned off by the police. She's going to be here

a while, so you try to be nice. Oh, I'm sorry.

Have a lovely day.

It's nice to see you.

God, what a hideous outfit.

There's a time for love and a time for living. Take a chance and face the wind.

An open road and a road that's hidden. A brand new life around the bend.

There were times I lost a dream or two.

And at the end was you.

There's a path you take and a path not taken. The choice is up to you, my

friend. Nice and long, but you might awaken to a brand new life. A brand new

life.

You had a whip for that, huh, Mrs.

Rossini's homemade gravy?

Wonderful. No, no, no, it's better than wonderful, Angela.

It's heaven.

It's paradise.

It's Brooklyn.

Oh, come on. At this time, I can't stay out too late. I've got to be in the

operating room by 10.

Well, I thought you were a little late. You all wear masks. Who's going to

notice?

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute. Where are you going? Where are you going? You're

going to miss Mrs. Rossini's big dinner.

Ah, gee, you'd almost think I planned it that way.

Why don't you stay? She's made a ton of food. Thanks, but we have reservations

at a nice, quiet, cozy restaurant.

Mona, wait!

Run like hell.

You've got to stay for dinner. I've been sweating like a pig over a hot stove

for hours.

Well, my mouth is watering.

Eat up, eat up. I've got 140 more gallons in the kitchen.

She only made half a batch.

It was my beeper. I'm sorry.

I guess I shouldn't be sitting so close.

Hey, the phone's in the kitchen here, Doc. Oh, thank you.

Hurry back.

What?

You really like this one?

Maybe.

Mother, I saw you holding hands underneath the table.

sock in it. Go put some music on. It'd be better than listening to you.

Sing.

Mona's dancing.

Mona's dancing.

Mona broke my shit.

Any little ditties that you want to sing?

want sinatra so you what what what's the matter

clifford mrs rosini clifford mrs rosini

what are you talking about

Oh, sure. When I said it, you didn't believe me.

Where is my Sinatra?

Do I have to kick some shin?

Kick some shin. That's good.

What's going on in that kitchen?

Nothing. Why?

Well, where's dinner? I'm starved. Well, they're heating it up in there.

Mrs. Rossini is heating it up in there. Well, I'm going to light a fire under

her. Oh, don't worry. That's been handled.

Mona, Mona, don't, don't, don't, don't. So the conference has been moved to 930.

Yeah, well, no problem, Rick. Thanks. Okay, Rick.

Woo, busy, busy, busy.

Yeah, no rest for the wicked, huh, Cliff?

Okay, I'm ready to serve the linguine.

Isn't that scallopini?

Linguini, scallopini, are you here to eat a nitpick?

Okay.

Okay, everybody, sit down and dig in.

Tony, I was sitting there.

Well, you know, when the music stops, you grab a chair.

I didn't hear any music.

Well, I did.

I'll drink to that.

Oh, great.

He's a lush, too.

I've got something to say to you. Oh, Tony! Tony, you were telling me the

funniest story about your trip to the grocery store today.

Why don't you tell us all of that story?

I bought beets.

I'm back.

I seem to remember it being a little longer.

All right.

I was on the express line, and this guy in front of me, he's got 11 items.

So I got nine items. So I say to him, hey, buddy, are you rubbing my leg?

Did that guy have red hair and heart -shaped sunglasses?

Sorry, Tony, I was just stretching my legs.

Uh -huh, stretching your legs. Now look, I got something to say to you.

Could I speak to you for a minute, please?

Adorable, this guy. All right, that's it. He's out. He's finished. He's toast.

Tony, do not make a scene.

Until the guy was kissing Mrs. Rossini, now he's two -timing your mother. Don't

you care? Of course I care, but we're going to discuss it after he leaves,

privately, calmly, and behind closed doors. Or we could discuss it openly and

loudly while I'm log -rolling that guy down the street.

Tony,

this is not the time or the place.

Okay. Okay, you're right.

They're adults.

I'm just going to mind my own business. I'm going to butt out and butt out.

Here's to you.

Thank you. I would like to propose a toast to friends, family,

and loved ones.

That's it. You're out.

kitchen cassanova. Get out and stay out and watch out for the cat.

So, ready for dessert?

I'm sorry, Mona.

I don't know what happened. I got caught up. It was bigger than both of us.

Wait, wait, wait just a minute.

Lips that have touched mine have touched that?

cock you for that.

But I know that you're speaking out of pain.

I'll show you pain.

What's the matter with you two? You're fighting over a man? And not much of a

man either, I might add.

Don't move.

Oh, it's Clifford.

May I come in?

Why? Somebody here you haven't kissed yet?

Well, I suppose you've...

Heard by now. I'm sorry, Mona.

Carmen.

Carmella.

You couldn't come up for air long enough to get her name straight? Please, let

me explain. I really am not a ladies' man.

Since my wife died, I don't think that I've gone out with maybe two or three

women at the most. Probably at the same time, huh, Cliff? I met Mona at

Lightning Struck. And then it struck again.

Now, they say...

Lightning can't happen twice.

But for me, it has.

Oh, pick up your pants. It's too late to save your shoes.

All right, look. I think we've heard enough. Right, ladies?

Let him talk.

Go on, Clifford. Go on.

Now, wait a minute.

You're not going to fall for this torn between two lovers baloney, are you?

the oldest story in a book. Right, Angela?

Angela? Well, no. I think it's possible for someone to care for more than one

person at one time. No way.

Absolutely not. It's impossible.

Well, what about you and the Better Daddy twins?

Well, that was different.

I didn't even know there were two of them.

I thought I was going out with one girl who never got tired.

Well, it's going to take a long time for me to sort out my feelings because both

of you have stirred up something deep inside of me.

I'm sorry if I hurt either one of you.

And if you never want to see me again, I accept that.

Oh, I'll stand by you, Cliffy, as long as it takes for you to realize I'm your

woman.

I'll wait, too, till morning, when you see her in broad daylight.

Goodbye, Carmela.

Goodbye, Mona.

You know, I've had just about enough of your insults. Oh, yeah?

Well, come and get me, sister!

Stop it, stop it. That's who he is, will you?

Neutral corners. Now, go to your rooms.

Stop it.

Go upstairs.

Do you believe what's going on here?

Mrs.

Rossini making a pass at Clifford like that. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a

minute, Angela.

Clifford himself said he started it. Well, maybe so, but obviously Mrs.

had to give him the green light.

Mrs. Rossini's green light's been burned out for years, Angela.

And anyway, I mean, why shouldn't she get the guy? Mona gets millions of guys.

Please, there is no excuse for her going after Mother's boyfriend like that.

Besides, she's only going to get her heart broken. Hold it, hold it. I don't

think Mrs. Rossini was after anybody.

But if she was, I think she would have a pretty good shot.

Oh, Tony, come on, let's face it. Mrs. Rossini's a wonderful woman, but she's

way out of her league.

Oh, hey, you're talking about the woman who was like a second mother to me.

So, Mother's like a first mother to me.

I saw them holding hands under the table. There was love there, Tony. Yeah,

well, I felt them rubbing my leg under the table. There was love there.

Well, Mother deserves to get this man, and I'm going to make sure she does.

Oh, yeah? Well, I think Mrs. Rossini deserves to get this man, and I'm going

make sure she does. Will you stop saying whatever I say?

Whatever you say.

Hush, little baby.

Sleep, sleep, sleep.

Looks like you had a great time at the street fair. Hey, Cliff, one big at the

pitching toss, huh? No, I throw like a girl.

Carmela's the one with the flamethrower.

She's quite a girl, huh? A great cook and a great curveball.

Well, hello, hello, hello.

Hey, hey, hey, look at all the stuff they won at the carnival.

They couldn't guess your weight, huh?

What a contrast to the romantic evening you have planned, Mother.

Well, it's really not very much. Just an intimate little evening at my place.

That sounds nice.

A quiet evening at home.

Who said anything about quiet?

I'll see you tonight.

Yes.

Hey, you're doing great. I can tell he's crazy about you.

Who are you kidding?

I got him pitching baseballs. She's got him pitching woo.

I can't compete with a Tony. Oh, yes, you can, Mrs. Rosina. You just be

yourself. That's what he fell for in the first place.

Yeah, but I'm not sexy, Tony.

Yes, you are. You absolutely are sexy.

What do you find sexy about me?

Well? Well, well. Well, it's not one specific thing, Mrs. Rosina. It's like

sum total of all the parts is greater.

Your eyes.

Oh, you got sexy eyes, yeah.

Yeah? Oh, yeah. You really think so?

Absolutely. Hey, look. You're sexy, and I want to hear you say it.

I am sexy. Come on, come on. I want to hear it now. Come on, say it.

I am sexy. Come on, now. One more time.

Loud as hell.

Just pathetic.

And then the papa bear said, somebody's been eating my porridge.

And then he eats it and dies.

No, he doesn't. He did when Mona read it.

Yeah.

Busy? No, all done.

She doesn't read them as good as you do, Mona.

I know.

Well, tomorrow night, how about Nightmare on Sesame Street?

All right!

Mother, come here. How was your date?

Well, it went great.

Except that he talked about her all night.

I'm losing him, Angela.

To Mrs. Rossini?

No,

you're not. Don't say that.

Oh, it's true.

She can offer Clifford something I can, and he keeps talking about how warm and

motherly and nurturing she is. Oh, well, Mother, you're very nurturing.

Get your sweaty hands off me.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You see, I am the exact opposite of Mrs. Rosinian for some bizarre reason.

That's what he seems to want.

Well... He can have her. Oh, no.

No, no, no. Mother, mother, mother. You can't give up. You are just as warm and

giving as Mrs. Rossini.

Please. No, no, no. You are.

I remember when I was six years old and I fell off my bike and I skinned my

knee. You picked me up and you kissed it and you made it all better.

That was your father, Angela.

Oh, that's right.

You were the one who shot out my tire.

But you said you were sorry.

That's right.

And I really meant it, too, at the time.

I guess that means I am a warm, caring, loving person. That's the spirit.

Now, if I could just get Mrs.

Rosini on a bike.

What are you doing?

Making a little snack.

Six pounds of lasagna?

I skipped breakfast.

I know what you're doing, Angela. You bought all that food and now you're

to try to pass it off as Mona's cooking to Clifford. So what if I am? She's my

mother and I want to help her. That's cheating. If Mona's going to win this,

should win it on her own. Well, I feel... Tony?

Are you wearing perfume?

No.

Yes, you are.

I smell insatiable. I smell sensation.

I smell liaison by Lady Lace.

I'm exploring my feminine side.

buying perfume to make Mrs. Rossini more sexy. Now that is cheating. All right,

all right. So I was. I just want Mrs. Rossini to be at her best for her date

with Clifford tonight.

She doesn't have a date with Clifford tonight.

Mother's cooking dinner for him. I should know. It costs me a fortune.

This food's for tonight?

Yes.

I'll get it.

Don't bother.

It's for me. No, it's for me. Back off, babe. You're both right.

Hi, Cliff.

Double dating tonight?

Did I mess up?

Oh, forget about it, Cliff. Come on, let's go. Wait a minute. Just tell her

you're going out with me tonight. Over my dead body. All right, look.

Look, it's time for you to make a decision, Cliff. This has gone on long

You're absolutely right. I have to make a decision. It's not fair to either one

of them.

So, uh... I pick, um... Mona. Yes!

Oh, but I'm going to miss Carmela so much. I pick you.

Hooray!

How can I do without my sweet Mona?

Clifford, make a decision. Come on already. It's been a week.

Okay, okay.

This is my decision.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

I will make the decision.

Cliff, you're a wimp. And I should have seen that from the beginning.

Carmela? He's yours.

Yeah, I don't know if I want him now.

You're right. Even you deserve something better.

Time's up, Cliffo.

Let's see what you've lost.

It's both women.

Let's see what you've won. It's behind door number one. It's a car.

It's your car.

He's a wimp.

Can you imagine the two of us fighting over that guy?

And the worst part.

He made two dear friends fight.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. She's got that look in her eye. You know what I want.

I want a little hug.

I've got a better idea.

Do you like to ride a bike?

Al, are you sure this is a good idea? Oh, you know, man, jeez.

Everything's back to normal. Thank goodness. Hey, let's make a deal, all

From now on, we don't get involved in any family squabbles.

Agreed. All right.

I thought for a minute those two were going to duke it out. Lucky for Mona,

didn't, because you know Mrs.

Rosini is bad.

She's used to mop the floor up with her.

Are you kidding?

Mother could punch her lights out.

I got 20 bucks since Big Red don't last two rounds.

You're on.

Mother! Mrs. Rosini!