Original subtitles

And one, and two, and three, and four, and five, and six.

Here you go. Whoa, whoa, here you go.

All right, here you go. Ready?

Go ahead.

You're getting warm.

Warmer. Warmer. You're hot.

You're hot. You're boiling.

No, no, no. You're cold.

You're cold.

You're an ice cube.

You're in trouble.

Billy, Billy, you pinned the cares on Mona.

Why do I win?

Well, since you're blindfolded, how about a firing squad? Oh, now, come on.

on. We're just trying to get ready for Billy's birthday.

Oh, I should have guessed the party box. Dad, look.

Oh.

Your magic wand, huh? Yeah. I made that for her for her 11th birthday. Remember

I cracked you over the head with it and you had to get eight stitches?

Yeah.

And then the next year I tried to drown you while you were bobbing for apples.

Oh, those were the happiest days of my life.

And you know what? You're going to have them too because you're getting an old

-fashioned, traditional Miss Sally birthday, huh? Look what we got. Watch

yourself. Look what we got. We got...

Drop the clothespin in a bottle.

Let me see this.

A puppet show.

It's somebody's birthday. I wonder who.

Me.

What else we got? We got party hats.

Clap hands, Billy. It's a hee -haw birthday.

I don't believe it. They are having a party the same day as Billy's.

Who is?

It's Adam's birthday.

You're invited.

It's Adam's birthday.

The Hoppers.

The neighbors from hell.

There's a time for love and a time for living. Take a chance and face the wind.

An open road and a road that's hidden. A brand new life around the bend.

There were times I lost a dream or two.

Found a trail and at the end was you.

There's a fancy pick and a fast knife take. The choice is up to you, my

Nights are long, but you might awaken to a brand new life, a brand new life, a

brand new life around the bend.

I keep telling you, talking to these people is an absolute waste of time. Not

true.

I mean, for the last year, they've been very nice. For the last year, they've

been out of the country.

See, that's nice.

Angela. Tony -san.

Konnichiwa.

That year in Japan really stuck with you, huh, Mark? Oh, it was the most

enlightening, tranquil period of my life. I found...

Inner peace.

Please, come in. Thank you, thank you.

Stop!

Your shoes.

Oh, it's an old Japanese custom. No, new carpeting.

Great, great. I got a hole in my sock.

Mammy!

Who's here?

Well, well, well. It's so nice to see you again.

Konnichiwa.

Please, sit down. Thank you.

have to talk to you about something very important.

Do you know that your sock has a hole in it?

That's why I was wearing shoes.

You see, the thing is that you've scheduled your Adam's birthday party on

same day as our Billy. Yes.

Oh, no! This is awful, hon. We forgot to check the date on this cute little

invitation. And what good printing. Billy has the penmanship of a third

That's my writing.

Still impressive.

This is our little boy's first birthday with us. And we kind of want it to be

special, you know?

But look, you haven't met him yet. So he's a... How can you say no to

this face?

Like this. No, no, no, no, no.

Obviously, we have reached a stalemate. Some people are a little stubborn. We

have no other choice but to have our parties on the same day, shall we? Yes,

let's go, Angela.

Tony, Tony, come on.

My leg's asleep.

This guy's good, I think.

Voila, a caterpillar.

Well, if you like that one, you're going to love this.

A cobra.

Well, thank you there, Amazing Dave. That was amazing.

So, do I get the gig?

Let me put it to you this way. This here's a walking stick. Get it?

I could use this in my act. You ain't kidding.

Dave, thanks very much for stopping by, dear.

All right, guys, the search continues. But I promise, before the day's over,

we're going to find somebody terrific.

Oh, Amazing Dave was here.

We have got to find somebody. We're running out of time. I know, I know.

we should just give up and go to Adam's party.

No way.

No way. We're going to have a party here, and it's going to be better than

Adam's party.

Adam's party. I'll give you Adam's party.

That's right. Hiya, Bobo. I'm Tony Mastelli.

That's an old bit, but he makes it new.

Hiya, hiya. Like my corsage?

If that thing squirts me, you won't need a fake red nose.

Bobo, didn't we see you at the mall?

Every Saturday afternoon.

We found our guy.

I'm going to call all of my friends and tell them we've got Bobo the Clown.

Look out there.

Hey, I thought I saw the Bobo mobile outside.

It's Bobo the Clown. Oh, my kid loves your work.

Well,

Adam's still invited if he wants to come.

I got a hand to tell you, Miss Ellie.

You went out and you got the bet.

And I tried to warn you there, Hunter. You know, when you go mano a mano with a

macelli, you tend to get your mano kicked.

You're a great clown, Bobo.

Oh, he's great. He's great.

And behind every great clown is a great actor.

Why, thank you.

Actually, I graduated from Yale Drama School. Oh, an Ivy League clown.

I guess you did summer stock then, or... Broadway, Shakespeare in the Park.

That's right.

Five years ago, Central Park, Richard III.

Now is the winter of our discontent.

Oh, you are wonderful.

Yeah, I know.

You're a clown.

Entertaining a bunch of five -year -olds by squirting filter down your pants,

huh?

Hey, hey, hey, Harper, don't depress my clown.

I just think it's kind of sad when a guy throws away a dream.

Oh, I haven't thrown away my dream.

I'm still an actor. Yeah, yeah, you see? He's still an actor. Oh, yeah? Then

what are you doing wearing these floppy shoes and that fright wig? You're an

actor. Get out there and act.

You're right. No, no, no, no, no. He's wrong.

To be or not to be a clown.

Be a clown.

Be a clown. That's just what I needed. A good kick in the pants to get myself

back on track.

Goodbye, whoopee cushions.

Hello, Broadway.

No, no, no, no, no. He's wrong. He's wrong.

Oh, no, no, no. He's a clown.

How could you stoop so low?

There is a five -year -old boy upstairs right now calling all his friends,

telling them he's not Bobo the Clown.

Billy can come to our party.

We're going to have two clowns. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah, Harper? Well, I see your

clowns, and I raise you a video game and pony rides and a rocket ship right to

the moon, if that's what it takes to get them kids to come to our party. Yeah?

Well, a Harper doesn't back down either, Miss Sally.

Angela,

how much are you prepared to spend on this party?

A quarter of a million dollars.

Okay, fine, fine.

So you're definitely taking Donnie to Adam's party.

Okay, fine. Have fun.

I'm sure Adam's over his quarantine by now.

Oh, you haven't heard?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's mumps and scurvy.

Oh, yeah, it's tough on a kid, tough on a kid. But, you know, it's really a

double whammy on an adult male, Herb.

Great. See you, too. Good. Thank you. Bye -bye.

All right.

We got Donnie.

Hey, that's great, Tony. We're ahead by one. Yes. And the rest shall fall like

lemmings to the sea. The harper's whole party is beginning to crumble. It's like

a child's fragile sandcastle beneath a rising tide.

Captured the fun and innocence of a child's party, Dad.

Thank you.

Hey, and here's the birthday boy now. Come over here. Take a look at his spot.

We got Donnie. Who's Donnie?

Who cares? Who cares?

The harp has had him, but now he's with us.

Right, so where should I put this?

Pin the tail on the donkey? That is boring.

But I like it.

Pass that now.

We got Nintendo.

We got laser tag.

We got a go -kart.

Well, I guess I don't like it. That's my boy.

Go ahead, you little birthday munchkin. Go out and play.

All right, what'd you find out? Tony, it does not look good. The Harpers have

three kinds of punch.

Oh, those animals.

All right, Sam, Jonathan, go and buy every kind of punch. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Buy all the punch.

That's right. We'll cut off their supply lines.

Hey, punch for Billy and a straight jacket for Dad.

Tony, here's an aerial shot I took from the roof.

Well,

at least Mom's keeping it in perspective.

There's something else that's not going to be easy to top. A Ferris wheel.

The XT -150 Turbo.

The Ferrari of Ferris wheels.

These people will stop at nothing.

Well, one of us could sneak over there and throw sand in the mechanism.

Just it, woman.

The XT -150 is sandproof.

What are we going to do?

Don't worry.

Don't worry. I had a feeling that they might try a last -minute curve.

And because of that, I got a secret weapon.

What is it?

You'll see at the party.

That's not fair. You get out of there. You get out of there and let the other

children have a turn.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Line up six trash cans. I'm going for the record.

Mother, get out of there.

Hi, guys. Sorry about the calliope music.

We're starting our rides now, kids, and you're all invited.

Kids, kids, wait a minute.

You're already here. You're going to have to go all the way around.

Hey, kids, no problem.

There's Tony. We need him. I don't know.

Have no fear, for I am here to help you.

My hero.

Hold it.

You're being attacked by the dreaded Livonian link creatures.

There. You're safe now.

Once again, good triumphs over evil.

Works on pet hair, too.

Wow, Captain Super, that's very clever.

Yeah, pretty hard to top, unless you guys want to meet a couple of real

superheroes. Yeah.

It's the American Gladiators!

Nitro and ice!

Nice tights.

Come on, kids!

Okay, okay, okay, don't panic.

Don't panic. It's just a temporary setback.

We got to fight back. We got to fight back. All right. We need a bigger

superhero. We need a bigger superhero. Who can we get? I know. We'll get

That's right. I'll call Michael Keaton.

Yes.

That's it.

I don't love Michael Keaton. I love Michael Keaton. But I don't know Michael

Keaton. I'm battling.

I'm battling. Please stop me. And please get me out of this show before somebody

sees me. I think I've lost my mind.

You hit Captain Super.

Not necessarily.

Happy birthday, Adam.

Mother, where did you get this? Well, it was easy. I just told the delivery boy

I was Mrs. Harper.

Mother, that's terrible.

I know. I'm so much better looking than she is.

I did my part. You do yours.

And may I suggest chili powder?

Yes.

It was delivered to our house by mistake.

Well, thank you very much for returning.

Okay. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

How long you had this cake?

I don't know, a couple of minutes?

Oh, yeah? How stupid do you think I am?

Barry, can we go now?

Wait a minute.

This icing tastes funny. Pammy, taste this.

It tastes fine. to me. No, of course, no, of course. They wouldn't put

in the ice and they'd put it inside the cake.

Right, right.

What is it?

Tabasco sauce, huh?

Laxative? Oh, come on. Come on, Hopper. I wouldn't do that to the cake. Of

course you wouldn't. You know how I know you would? Because I would.

Come on, come on.

Shut up, Tammy. There's something in here and I'm going to find out what it

There's nothing in here.

That's what we tried to tell you. Yes, but of course your suspicious, cynical,

paranoid mind wouldn't believe us. You know, now, look what you did to your

son's cake. You should be ashamed, Harper.

Dad, what happened to my cake?

Uh, not enough egg whites, son.

Listen, kids, I got a big cake over at my house, and Adam, we're going to put

your name on it, too, okay, birthday boy?

Yeah!

All right, Billy, go ahead, go ahead, kids.

Okay, Miss Billy.

You've won this round, but I'll have you know a Harper never ever... Oh, shut

up, Mark.

Oh, Kurt.

I'm starting to like her.

Thanks,

Mr. Maselli. That was the best party I've ever been to.

Yeah, I threw up three times.

That's okay. My costume was rented.

I guess we showed those old harpers. Yeah, we whipped their butts, those

competitive losers.

Hey!

Thanks, Tony.

Thanks, Angela.

This was great. This was the best.

Oh, honey, well, I'm glad you liked it. Hey, hey, nothing's too good, pal of

mine. Great, because next year I want to have a camel and fireworks and Arnold

Schwarzenegger.

Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Yeah.

I think we got a problem.

Not necessarily.

I know the ad agency that promotes his movies.

Angela!

One of the partners owes me a big favor. Angela?

Oh, do you think if we get Arnold, we can get Maria? I think she's fabulous.

Would you stop, please?

See what we're doing here? What we've done? What we've become?

I mean, we got so wrapped up in having the best party that we became what we

hate. The Hoppers.

And what's worse, we made Billy one of them.

Oh, my God. You're right.

Yeah. All right, look. Let's go straighten this out right now.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, birthday boy.

Pretty good party, huh?

Yeah. Lots of great presents.

I'm six and I'm rich.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You made a lot of new friends, right?

I haven't found out who Donnie was.

And there's the go -kart and the trampoline.

and all the great food.

It's a pretty perfect day.

Yeah. And we'll never let it happen again.

Huh.

See, honey, we gave you all these things for the wrong reasons.

That's okay.

See, do you remember the birthday box, Billy, you know, with the memories and

the tradition and the homemade games?

I mean, that's what birthdays are all about, the simple things.

But you put that stuff...

Yeah, yeah, I know, but I was wrong to do that because I got so wrapped up in

competing with those hoppers that I forgot what was important about

And what's important is to have a few good friends and a family who loves you.

That's all you really need to celebrate your special day.

Yeah, so you see what we're saying?

No Schwarzenegger?

No Schwarzenegger.

Then we'll get Pee Wee Herman!

Well, we've got 364 more days to get through to him.

Nobody touch my stuff!

We better get started now.

Hey,

you know, Mark, I...

I really appreciate this. It's beautiful.

Arigato gozaimasu.

It's the least I can do, considering you were kind enough to mend our fences. As

it were.

Considering we share one, I thought it was the thing to do, you know.

Oh, gosh.

Ah, you want a ride in it, don't you, huh?

Well, it is the XT150 Turbo.

Come on. Be my guest.

Really, Mark? Really? Oh, thank you. Thank you. Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.

Whoa, baby.

All right? Yeah.

That's great. Oh, let's go.

Let's go.

Yeah.

That's great.

Mark.

Good night, Tony -san.

Mark. Mark, that's not funny, Mark.

Mark. Mark. Mark, stop.