Original subtitles

Hey, Hulk, how you doing today? Almost done?

Hey,

weren't you and Dick Tracy?

Oh, great, Mona.

Don't great Mona me.

Hey, Einstein, I've got to get ready for a date. A little shower would be nice.

Not that Ray would mind. He's such an animal.

I have my pride. Now, listen, Mona, Mona, he's working on it, but I have to

teach my class. Could you stay here until he's finished?

Ah, forget it. I'm going to go hose off in the Henderson's yard. Now, now, come

on, Mona. Mona, really, I need your help here. I don't want to be late. This

part -time tutorial could lead to a full -time job after I graduate. Well, how

long is this going to take?

I'll know better after I look at the basement. God knows what you people have

got down there.

That is the oldest scam in the book, Mr.

Bad Ranch.

Tony, Tony, the guy has got to be a crook. Now, no honest plumber can afford

hair plugs.

I can't work with all this criticism. All right, all right, come on, come on,

get back to work. Your hair looks great, really. Come on, get in there.

Mona, come on. You're going to mess this up. You're never going to get your

shower. Now, please, will you stay?

And please, think before you speak.

Okay, okay.

Hey, listen, I got to run, but that nice lady, Mona, is going to stay until you

finish. What nice lady?

Uh, coffee?

There's a time for love and a time for living. Take a chance and face the wind.

An open road and a road that's hidden. A brand new life around the bend.

There were times I lost a dream or two.

Found a trail and at the end was you.

There's a fancy taking a bath now. The choice is up to you, my friend.

It ain't so long that you might awaken to a brand new life, a brand new life, a

brand new life around the bend.

Welcome to the Saturday Science Tutorial. Today, we bone up...

Hey, give me some skin. Oh, never mind.

All right, hey, listen. Now, entomology used to be dull, boys, but that was

before Miss Ellie's insect trading cards.

Huh? Not bad, huh? Yeah, pass them back.

That's right. You can collect them. You can save them. You can swap them with

your friends, but don't let Mom throw them out because a 91 -bark beetle may

fetch a bundle.

Do they come with gum? Oh, they come with something better. They come with

information. Everything you want to know about that insect is right on back of

the card.

Hey, I tried you a praying mantis. He meets once in his lifetime, and then his

wife bites his head off and eats it.

Cool!

That's right, that's right. The praying mantis. The insect cannibal, huh? A

perfect example.

Uh -oh. I hope that's not Big Mama Mantis now.

Mona, what are you doing here?

Well, it's a darn distinct.

There is a little problem in the basement.

Sort of damp.

Damp? How damp?

Do the words surf's up mean anything to you?

Mona, can't that plumber do something?

Well, yes, if he were still there.

He left?

Yeah, for no apparent reason.

Fat, bald crook.

Mona, I told you. I told you to think before you speak. But no, you had to

your mouth, right? You had to louse things up. Hey, it's not like I'm the

one who louses things up. What about your barber?

All right, look, I'm going to have to shut off that water main. You stay here

and watch the class, okay? No problem. Okay. Hey, listen, guys, I'm going to

have to run out for a couple of seconds. Tell you what, read chapter seven,

legs, legs, legs, life among the centipedes. All right, okay.

Now, stay in your seat, be quiet, and behave yourself.

Yes, Mr.

Selly. Actually, I was talking to her.

It's not the first heart I've broken.

So, you guys are studying bugs, huh?

We just learned that the praying mantis mates once in his lifetime.

Then the female rips his head off.

Talk about your two -time loser.

He should have sent flowers.

Do flowers really work on girls?

Always works for me.

But you guys are going to learn about boys and girls and life in another

Not at this school. They don't teach that here.

Really? Nah, but it's not like I need it. I already know all that junk.

Yeah, right.

He's the one who says a girl can't get pregnant in any month with an R in it.

Can she?

Boy, I got here just in time.

Well, that's just about everything.

At least for starters.

No, I get it.

You had it all wrong, you dweeb.

Okay, hi, guys.

Sorry for the interruption.

Hey, Todd, are you okay? You're looking a little flush.

Just happy, sir.

Bye -bye, boys.

It's been fun. All right, thanks, Mom.

Oh, yeah, the praying mantis. Okay, now... Yeah, yeah, Todd.

Miss Robinson took us past that.

She did?

How far past?

And again, I apologize for my mother.

Okay.

Bye -bye.

Mona!

No, excuse me. I get her first. Do you know that she flooded my basement?

Mother! Oh, no, no, no, no. My problem takes priority.

Mona! I don't think so. I just got off the phone with the plumber. It's going

cost twice its original estimate. Top that.

She gave my class a lecture on S -E -X.

You go first.

What is with all this yelling?

Ah, Mona, our little Miss Babbling Brooks.

Huh? Do you have something you'd like to tell me about the class today?

Oh, yes, there is something I forgot to tell you, Tony.

They're a wonderful bunch of boys.

Oh, yes, and what did those wonderful boys learn today? Could it be

No. Could it be sociology?

No. Could it be the birds and the bees?

No, we talked about sex.

You weren't supposed to talk about anything, and least of all... Sex?

Yes. My classroom is not a place to discuss... Sex?

Boy, boy, that word just trips off your tongue, doesn't it? Well, what did I say

that was so awful? I don't know. I didn't ask. I didn't have to ask. You

all over the blackboard.

Pictures? Mother, you drew pictures?

Save my plate.

I really am surprised you did this. Although, you know, it really is just

you. But even for being just like you, I am surprised that you can be just like

you so often.

Dear, when you decide what you want to say, drop me a note.

What's wrong?

I'm 39 years old. I've just been called to the principal's office.

Come in, Mr. Maselli.

Yes, sir.

This is Mrs.

Gallagher, Mrs.

Barker, and the Reverend Markham.

Oh, no.

As you know, Mr. Maselli, something happened here today.

Something we thought would never happen. Something that we... I know. Look,

before you say anything else, Mr. Campbell, I just want to say I take full

responsibility for everything that happened in my classroom.

It was all my doing.

That's what we thought. That's why we called you down here.

Thank you.

Thank you?

Yes, indeedy.

There's a warm spot in heaven for men like you.

Heaven? Oh, Mr.

Maselli, it was the most amazing thing. We were all having lunch, Mr.

G was drinking his milk, and I asked our Mickey what he learned in school, and

he said sex.

Well, we all got a milk bath.

But then he explained that his teacher encouraged him to talk to his parents

about it openly and honestly.

Oh, and that's a good thing, right?

Well, of course, you goose.

I especially applaud your effort to get the female perspective.

Wherever did you find that great guest lecturer?

Well, you know, we teachers have to know all the experts in our community, and

believe me, where this subject is concerned, Mona

Robinson has researched her brain cells.

Hold everything.

Now, I've got something to say, and I am going to say it. Mona, what are you

doing here?

Mona? Mona Robinson?

That's right, bub. And I am here to set the record straight. I cannot allow you

to slander this man.

To persecute him like this is a travesty of justice.

They're not persecuting me. They're honoring me.

Oh. Do you validate?

We've heard wonderful things about you.

I wish I had had someone like you to teach me about the facts of life.

Never too late, huh, big guy?

That's a joke, Reverend.

I know.

Well, if you all feel that the class went so well today, you should teach it

a regular basis. Oh, excuse me, excuse me. Mona.

Obviously, there is a need for it. Well, I just don't think it's a good idea.

I like it. Me too.

We thought of offering it before, but we could never find anyone to teach it.

Tony could teach it.

That's a wonderful idea. You could teach it to all of our students. All?

It'll be a boon to your career. A real service to the children of our

And the parents. What do you say?

Oh, he'll do it. Great.

Oh, come on, young man. We've got a lot of planning to do.

Well, how about Home Ec?

Auto shop?

I'll make a great crossing guard.

I guess somebody owes somebody a thank you.

Thank you?

Thank you? You're welcome.

I don't think he's thanking you. Well, he should. I saved his career.

What career? I wanted to teach the great subjects, the classics, history,

literature, philosophy. Not everything you always wanted to know about you

-what, but had the decency not to ask.

You're just a little upset because you're so uptight.

I am not uptight.

Uh -huh.

Mother, Tony wants to teach something that he's good at, and sex isn't his

of expertise.

Oh, sorry.

Dad, I hate to say it, but you are a little uptight about this stuff. I mean,

remember my Ben doll? You glued his pants on.

I just didn't want you to lose them.

You didn't glue on his hat.

You got me into this. You're going to get me out. Excuse me? I got this whole

thing figured out. You're going to tell me exactly what you told those kids. Me?

Oh, no. That could be dangerous. Because everything I say goes straight from my

head to my mouth, jerk.

Oh.

See? Mona, Mona, don't you think you owe me this? I have no idea.

Because as you said, I don't think.

Okay,

fine, fine.

I got my books. I got my tapes. Who needs you?

Angela, check this out.

Check this out. The librarian says this here is four -star stuff.

Hygiene in Heidelberg, a guide for the sailor on leave.

Tony, this is from the 1950s.

There are no expiration dates on good values.

Here's Bill and Bob going on shore leave after six months at sea.

Each has one thing on his mind.

It's not screwed.

Tony.

Come on, let's give it a chance here. Phil and Bob haven't even dropped the

anchor yet.

Now let's watch as our two swabbies enjoy flirting with the Deutschland

Deutschland dollies? Tony.

It's quaint. It's clever.

It's stupid.

It stinks.

The kids are going to laugh me right out of the room.

Tony, don't despair.

You've just got to start at the beginning with a man and a woman.

Oh, just like that, Angela?

Sure. You just explain that a man has certain... And a woman has different

of... Now, you try it.

Let's go back to Phil and Bob, will you please?

You are a terrific... teacher.

You could teach anything.

Hey, but isn't dinner ready yet? I'm starved. You taught Jonathan the facts

life? Oh, yeah. Oh, well, he started to, but Grandma had already told me, so I

cut Tony's story off where the field mouse gets to the meadow.

All set? All you bet, sir. Yeah, I worked all week on my lecture, and I

think I know how to reach these boys.

Those boys are girls.

I knew I picked the right man for this job.

Sir, this is the Nelson Academy for Boys. For boys, are those just empty

Well, Mona did such a good job with the boys, we figured you'd have no problems

with the girls from our sister school.

Oh, well, good thinking, sir.

Mr. Tonelli.

I mean,

Tony Maselli.

And the topic of today's lecture is sex education.

Yeah, it is kind of a funny subject.

Hey, you know, speaking of funny, you guys happen to hear the one about the

ventriloquist? Well, it seems...

Why don't I just, I'll just start the lecture.

I can see that we're all men here.

Well, make that, make that, we're all women here.

Well, you know, you're women and I'm here.

Why don't I just forget these notes.

Human reproduction is a lot like cooking.

Yeah, yeah. You might ask, how is it like cooking?

Well, picture yourself in Heidelberg about to go on shore leave.

Forget Heidelberg.

Let's just talk openly and frankly about a mature adult subject.

There once was a mouse named Scooter.

I have another idea.

Why don't we all read from our textbooks silently and privately and to

ourselves?

And if you have any questions, just write them down and pass them

up front.

Mr. Tonelli?

It's Maselli.

You have a question? Write it down.

Actually, I just wanted to know if you can open up the window.

Oh, yeah. I can do that.

Yes. I can do that. Watch this.

It's open.

It's open a little wider.

That went well.

Now,

you know, I really feel like we've done some marvelous work here. Wait.

My friend Marcy says that you can't get pregnant the first time, but Cheryl says

you can if it's at night, and I don't know who to believe.

Can I open another window?

Hi. You okay?

How'd it go?

It went great.

It couldn't have gone better. I never doubted it. I knew the boys would love

you. They weren't boys, Angela.

They were girls.

Girls? Oh, you must have...

Are you kidding me? Hey, grace under pressure.

It was nothing to it.

It was a few anxious moments.

Tony,

she's reaching out to you.

I know.

Good news.

Things went well down at the school.

Even though it was a classroom full of girls.

But I made myself teach anyway.

That means I'm making progress, huh?

Look, hey, I know what you're looking for here. You're waiting for an apology.

And to tell you the truth, I guess you deserve one. So, look, here goes.

I'm sorry.

Not good enough, man. I know, I know. Look, after everything I said, can't

it away with two words, you know.

So here it is. I'm really sorry.

All right, you want me to work with him? You want me to work with him? I was

planned. I was insensitive to say, you're a big mouth.

You did hear the first part, didn't you?

Now, look, come on, let me finish, Mona. I have more to say. I really feel

that... Good God, woman!

Wait, wait, wait, Mona.

Mona, now.

This better be good.

Look, Mona, I'm sorry I hurt you.

All right, all right, all right. I'm sorry I misjudged you.

Because of you, I'm a better teacher.

When I was in that classroom today with all those girls and all their questions

and their misconceptions, I understood why you did what you did.

You're not irresponsible, Mona, and you do think.

Thank you, Tony.

You're welcome, Mona.

Now dance.

Oh, Mona.

Still grading your sex education paper? Yeah, it's my last one here.

Oops, that one's false.

No, no, no, wait until that one's true.

Oh, well, the next one's false.

No, wait until that one's true, too.

Hey, sit down, please.

There once was a field mouse named Scooter.