Original subtitles

Mona!

Mona!

Oh, no.

She's not in her apartment.

She knew she was supposed to have Billy back here by 4 o 'clock to meet the

social worker. All right, all right, look, look. We gotta find her. Call

somebody. Who?

I don't know. A man. That's who she's usually with.

I'll see.

Oh, no.

It's the social worker. Oh, we're dead. We're dead.

Tony, relax.

How can I relax, Angela?

We're not exactly your typical American family.

I mean, we're up against enough odds as it is, and now losing the kid doesn't

help.

And now we kept them waiting. Oh, we're dead.

We're dead. We're dead.

Hello.

There's a time for love and a time for living. Take a chance and face the wind.

Thank you.

Thank you.

A brand new life, a brand new life, a brand new life around the bend.

I'm Lennon Marshall, Department of Social Services.

Hi, I'm Tony Maselli, Billy's legal guardian.

Hello, I'm Angela Bauer, I'm Billy's female role model.

Why don't you come in?

Coat? Oh, yeah, very nice place.

Oh, well, would you like to tour?

Let's start in the garage.

I'll show you all my power tools.

Which, by the way, are out of the reach of the child.

A tour is not necessary on the first home visit. All I need to see is Billy.

Ah, Billy is... The light of our lives. Oh, what a great kid. Can I show you

what he made yesterday in school?

Right here. Right here.

You see?

It's an ashtray. Oh, not that anyone in this house smokes.

Except for an occasional ham.

Isn't it cute?

You see, you can put your cigarette out in Billy's hand.

No, that wouldn't be good.

No, it wouldn't.

So, where did you say Billy was?

We didn't.

Actually, it's quite an amusing story.

I have no sense of humor.

Hey, you bought that tie, didn't you?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

See, it all started out as a typical morning with a typical, normal family

breakfast.

Hey, that's mine.

Here.

Billy,

Billy, stop licking other people's food, will you? Now, come on, here. Finish

that and let's get going. You've got to get to school.

I don't have school today.

Yeah, yeah. You know, Billy, that's what you say every day. Listen, pal, in this

house, everybody has responsibilities, and everybody has to live up to them.

I'm not going into the office today.

I've developed an allergy to work.

Angela's not down yet.

Oh. So, how did it sound?

Needs work.

Good morning.

Good morning, Angela.

Yeah, of school.

It's true, there's no school.

Look, Billy, if there were no school, I would have circled it in red and marked

it, no school today, teacher's conference.

The system works.

Hold it!

You forgot Billy had the day off from school?

No, no, I just forgot that I wrote it down. I remember all the important

You don't think school's important?

Of course I think school is important.

That's why I wanted him to go, even though there wasn't any.

Nice save.

Not really.

Go on.

Now, when the pressure mounts, the tectonic plates exert such incredible

on each other that when they do shift... Billy,

Billy, I thought I told you to be quiet.

You also told me to be polite.

Yes, I did. I did. Hello, everybody. Have a seat there. Have a seat there.

sorry I'm late, Professor Wallace. I didn't have anyone to watch, Billy. I

sort of stuck between a rock and a tectonic plate.

No problem.

Anyway, when the plates do shift... And earthquake results. Okay, look, let's

put your hat over here. Okay, give me those mittens. Give me them. No, put

in your pocket. Come on. Sit up. Sit up.

There you go, buddy. Okay, we'll put them in here.

Those pockets are small.

Give me the coat. Give me the coat. Wait a minute. Give me the coat. Give me the

coat first.

Let me have the coat.

Mr. Maselli.

Yes, Ms. Wallace?

Shh.

Thank you, young man. You're welcome, Mr. Wallace.

Stop sucking up to the teacher.

Now, to see how many of you have kept up with your reading, we are having a pop

quiz. Oh, well, look, at least it's a two or four, Sam. I'll tell you what,

look, while I'm doing this, you color, okay? Here's your crayons. Okay. Do some

coloring.

Okay, here we go.

True.

Hey, you're right. Good guess, Nick, you know.

Let's see.

True.

Hey, true, you're right again.

Hey, you know, maybe playing in all that dirt is paying off.

Hey, what do you think about number four, true?

False.

Hey, you're right again. That's terrific. How'd you know that?

That's what he wrote.

Mr.

Maselli. Oh, boy.

You have been disruptive from the moment you walked in. This is a classroom, not

a daycare center.

Just one minute, Ms. Wallace.

I took Billy with me today because I enjoy being with him.

And I take, nay, I welcome every opportunity to spend some quality time

because I believe the children are our future.

teach them well, and let them lead the way.

Show them all the beauty they possess in life.

Hold it!

They sang?

Well, no, no, no.

No, no.

And that wasn't what you really said, was it?

Well, not in so many words.

What exactly did you say?

Oh, I'm sorry, Ms. Wallace.

I didn't mean to disturb the class. It'll never happen again. Please, I

I swear.

Well, maybe it'd be best if you and your little friend go into the hall and take

the test there. That's a good idea. Good idea, Ms. Wallace. An excellent

compromise. I'll just gather up little stuff here.

I get it. I get it all.

And then we'll sneak out into the hall, quiet as a mouse.

Let's go, Billy.

Six or seven or two.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

That's the dumbest guy in the class. Come on.

Here you are. That's Wallace.

Dad. Hey, Sam. You left your book in my room last night. Hi, Sam.

Hey, Billy. What are you doing here?

Preschool was closed, so he went straight to college.

That means you guys are the youngest and the oldest at Ridgemont.

Here's your book, Dad. Thank you, Sam.

When's nap time?

Oh, nap time for me is during calculus next period.

Listen, Dad, I'm done for the day. Do you want me to take him? Oh, Sam, that

would be great. I really appreciate it. But you've got to have him at his gym

class after lunch, and he's got to be home by 4 o 'clock. Okay, no problem.

Thanks, sweetheart. Bye -bye. Get easy, pal.

Hey, what do you think we go for a hot fudge sundae? Oh, wait a minute, Sam,

Sam, please.

No empty calories.

You're right, Dad. We'll have fruit.

Good.

A cherry on top of the sundae.

So Billy is with Sam.

Well... Not exactly.

Of course not. That would be too easy.

Very simple explanation.

You see, Sam doesn't eat tuna.

Scotch honey, as you see there, Lenny.

Ben, I'm going to need those art boards. Abby, will you get me those demographic

reports for Mr. Dodds, please? And don't forget, I'm going to need a messenger

in about an hour, okay?

Okay.

Hey! Hey, what are you doing here?

I brought him. See, one of the reporters for the school paper got sick, so they

sent me to cover the tuna boycott demonstration downtown, and I can't take

Billy, and I know it's a lot to ask, but is there any way that maybe you

could... Could watch him?

Well, I am in the middle of a meeting with Mr.

Dodds, but if it will save a dolphin, sure, I'd be glad to watch him. Oh,

thanks, Angela. You're the best. You know, at times like this, I can actually

forgive your generation for selfishly destroying the planet.

What do you think?

Bye, honey.

Well. What do we do now?

Well, I suppose you could stay out here and read some magazines.

Or maybe we can think of something for you to do in my office.

You like to bounce on a fat man's belly.

Hold it.

Your office looks like Santa's workshop.

Well, yes, you see, I'm in advertising, so I get lots of free samples of toys.

Really?

No, not really. I'm lying.

You're telling me to bounce on a fat man's belly.

Excuse me. Like your classroom salute to Cop Rock with a stroke of genius.

At least it had a hit song in it.

But we digress.

Here's what happened.

Honest. Are you going to have a baby?

Billy, I'm here, honey.

Let's find something for you to play with. Oh, here you go. Here's a paper

and a piece of string. Oh, that'll be fun for you. Now you go to Mona's desk

play. Okay?

I'm terribly sorry about that.

That's okay. This kind of lighting always makes me look heavy.

Well, anyway, about the Midwestern market, if we... Excuse me.

Yes? Hello?

Billy!

Angela is very busy, so please leave the phone alone, okay? Thank you.

Now, what I was thinking about the Midwestern market...

Excuse me, excuse me.

Billy, this phone is not a toy.

You were saying, Ms. Bowers? Yeah, I feel that if we concentrate on...

The Midwest.

Excuse me, please.

Billy, this is a business. We do not play games here. We do not do... In this

office. Hold it!

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Don't write that down. Don't write it down.

She wasn't really screaming at Billy. Yes, yes, I was.

Well, you told me to be honest. Anyway, I went out there, I told him why I was

upset, and then we shared a lovely moment.

You hear that, Leonard? They shared a lovely moment.

Put that in, put that in. It's L -O -V, L -O -V. Here, look, I'll write it for

you. I'll write it down.

Please!

What happened to the child next?

Well, my mother came back from shopping, and she took Billy to have lunch, and

that's where he is.

Oh, so he's with your mother.

I have had it with men.

I'll probably have it with them again.

I am saying, for now, I have had it.

So what are you staring at, Bunky?

Where's the kid?

What kid?

Oops!

Mother. Where is Billy?

How should I know? I haven't seen him for hours.

This is not good, people.

Who's the geek in the funny tie?

Oh, no.

This is the social worker.

Where's Billy?

He's with Jonathan.

Your son, Jonathan?

Yes, and a finer, more responsible young man you shall not find.

If we could find him.

I'll make some calls.

Mona, Mona, why don't you tell Leonard, Mr. Marshall, all the wonderful things

you did with Billy this afternoon?

I took him to a bar.

A bar?

Mitzvah. A bar mitzvah.

Yes, a bar mitzvah. Because, you know, we want to expose him to all cultures.

Well, it wasn't just a bar. It wasn't a bar. It was attached to a motel.

I was breaking up with Charlie, so I thought, well, if I had Billy with me,

Charlie wouldn't make such a scene.

Breaking up with me?

You're breaking up with me? You can't. You can't do this. Oh, Charlie, please.

Please control yourself. You are upsetting the child.

Pastor Ellis, please.

Look, since Billy came into my life, I don't have time for a relationship. He

needs me. He depends on me.

Catch up, please.

See?

Anyway, Charlie, I know you. You do not like children.

Well, you're right. I hate the little curtain climbers.

No offense, pal.

Of course you hate them, and that's why it would not work out. Shall we go,

Billy? Oh, but for you, I'd change.

Huh?

I could learn to love him.

He's adorable.

Are you nuts?

He's a brat.

This kid would drown the little mermaid.

I think that we're going to be the best of the...

How'd you like a pony?

I like this guy.

Oh, look what you did, you miserable mop.

And now the true Charlie comes out. Oh, but Mona... Now look, nobody talks to my

daughter's housekeeper's old neighbor's child like that.

Take a hike, take a hike.

Okay, okay.

Now here, you get the woman, you get the check.

Are you kidding?

You were great. And for that, I'm going to buy you a big, fat piece of chocolate

cake.

Thanks, Mona!

Hey, don't touch me, kid.

So, after I took him out for cotton candy, then I dropped him off at the gym

class. Of course, he was a little sticky, but it did help with his

Mona, won't you please get to the point?

How did he end up with Jonathan?

Okay, well...

See, I had a date with Charlie's brother.

I asked Jonathan to pick him up at the gym class.

I've called everywhere. I don't know where Jonathan is. You've lost another

Absolutely not. We'll find him. You know, I bet you he left a note for us on

desk. Let me go check. I'll be right back.

Excuse me, Jonathan.

Jonathan?

Why didn't you answer before when I was calling? You were calling for Mona.

Is Billy here? Yeah, he's upstairs.

He's upstairs?

Billy's upstairs?

Billy's been upstairs the whole... And why shouldn't he be?

Safe, safe within the cradle of his home.

Okay, Leonard, you heard the legend.

Now get ready to meet the man.

Hey, Mona, do me a favor. Stay here and keep Leonard company.

Oh, wait.

So,

Leonard, what do you do in your spare time?

Oh, like everybody else, I collect driftwood.

I like a man who lives on the edge.

Sweetheart, sweetheart, thank goodness you're here.

Billy, are you okay?

I have a tummy ache.

I swear, I only gave him one quarter for the candy machine, but the thing

started shooting out malted milk balls like a claw machine.

It's all right. You just stay here and rest. You'll be okay.

It's only taking so long up here.

Oh, no.

You're not going to let him go down there and let that guy see him looking

this? Why not? We've already blown the interview.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You don't think they'd take him away from us for something like this, do you?

course not.

I hope.

Well,

it isn't easy being green, is it, Billy?

Who's in the bathroom?

That's Greg, Billy's friend from gym class.

Great, great.

When he gets out, send him downstairs. Tell him to pretend he's Billy. Grandma,

I don't think that's such a good idea.

Oh, standing up to your little old Grammy.

Oh, cute.

Send the kid downstairs.

Pretty wacky. He was upstairs the whole time.

And could you bring him downstairs so I can meet him?

Actually, we can't do that. You see, the thing is that... No, no, no. Hillary,

Billy is coming right down.

Mother, what do you... Don't worry, Angela.

Everything's under control.

Hi, I'm Billy.

Oops, I'm out of here.

I don't see anything here about the child being black.

Leonard, African -American.

And anyway, I mean, who cares? I mean, we're all the same inside, aren't we,

Leonard? Black, white. I mean, what difference does it make because I'm

through my teeth here?

That's not good. I think my mother was just trying to help.

That's my mom. Can I go now, Mr. Maselli?

Sure, sure, great. Go ahead. Go right ahead.

Can I go with you?

What's going on here?

Billy is upstairs.

He ate too much junk food, and he has a little tummy ache. Yeah, so we thought

between losing him and poisoning him, you might take that as a negative.

Uh -huh.

Oh, hey, come on, Mr. Marshall. Look, I mean, sure, we're not the typical

American family. We're imperfect.

Yes, we err. We lose a kid here and there. I know, I know, I know. Let the

children's laughter, blah, blah, blah, blah.

The bottom line is that we really love the kid.

I know you do.

You do?

Sure. The fact that everybody wanted to pitch in and cover for one another tells

me this is a loving environment for the child.

And you were worried.

Hey, the only normal families you see nowadays are on Nick at night.

I mean, with stepfamilies and single -parent families and two -income

in a bizarre, twisted way, you guys are the norm.

Mr. Marshall, this is our Billy.

Glad to finally meet you, Billy. How you feeling?

So -so.

So how do you like living here with Tony and Angela?

Okay,

come on, pal. Let's go. Come on. Gotta go to bed. School tomorrow.

There's no school tomorrow.

Billy, Billy, please, do yourself and me a favor, all right? Don't push your

luck.

Look at the calendar.

Look at the calendar.

Calendar, all right.

Nice try, but, Billy, school is not spelled with a K.

Thanks a lot, Mona.