Original subtitles

There's a time for love and a time for living. Take a chance and face the

An open road and a road that's hidden. A brand new life around the bend.

There were times I lost a dream or two.

Found the trail and at the end was you.

There's a path you take and a path not taken.

Choice is up to you, my friend.

Not so long, but you're not awaiting to a brand new life, brand new life, a

brand new life both round the bend.

Do you believe that guy? That is the longest speech in the history of

advertising. You know, he's probably talking.

Oh, Mother, you're here.

Yes, dear, I'm here quite a lot.

It's kind of like home to me.

So, how were the ad awards? Win anything?

I was a runner -up in one category.

What did the winner get?

Twins?

Mother, this is my date.

Bart, nice to meet you.

Mona.

Well, thank you.

Thank you for the special evening. It was special. Thank you.

Oh, and Angela. Yeah. There's just one thing I'd like to ask you. Yeah.

How would you like to pay for this?

Visa or MasterCard?

Just send me the bill.

Thanks so much.

It's just fabulous. Thank you. Bye -bye.

I am shocked.

Oh, Mother, single women executives hire escorts all the time.

No, I'm saying you got gypped.

I mean, you pay for a car wash, you don't leave before the buff and polish.

Mother, I didn't do this for a buff and polish. I was not going to go to those

ad awards all alone. And everybody, including Tony, was busy. It's no big

I know, I know. But I would just like to see my daughter go out on a real date.

Where the guy pays.

Well, so would I. But you know my schedule's been so crazy, I don't have

meet men.

Tell me about it. You could convert your bedroom into a sensory deprivation

tank.

I am perfectly comfortable with my life exactly as it is right now. And if you

tell anyone about tonight, I will make an orphan out of me.

Oh, hi.

Oh, Angela, you look very nice. How was the affair?

Costly.

Super, just super. Well, I'm sorry I was busy. Oh, that's all right. I took an

old business associate of mine, a terrific guy, Brad. Bart.

Bart. He likes me to call him Brad.

I'm beat.

Well, good night.

What's with her? Oh, I can't tell you.

But I'll answer questions if they're specific.

Ask exactly the right thing. Okay, okay, let's see.

Where did... Angela paid a man to take her out tonight.

Gee, I worded that perfectly, huh?

I mean, my own daughter hiring an escort.

An escort? You're kidding me. I mean, Angela's funny and she's beautiful and

she's smart and beautiful.

You said beautiful twice.

Well, she's two times beautiful.

But what I mean is, I mean, any man would be proud to take her out.

If she could find a man.

Poor thing.

Well, the poor thing, I mean, isn't that a little strong?

Tony, you know, when the escort left tonight, Angela tried to be very

But I could see through her facade.

You know Angela.

Laugh, clown, laugh.

Oh, poor thing.

Oh, what can we do?

Well, we could get her a date with a strong, comforting man who could

restore her self -esteem.

She needs to feel like the attractive woman that you seem to think she is.

Mona, Mona, I see where you're going here, and I don't think I like it. Why

It's perfect.

You're strong. You're comforting.

You're a whole way close.

Well, I don't know. You know, me and Angela are on a date. You know, we're

friends, you know.

But then again, friends do date.

But if we dated, would we still be friends?

But am I really being a friend if we don't date? Would you like me to leave

while you discuss this?

Oh, no, no. We're through. We're through.

So you really think that this would help, huh? Oh, trust me.

All right. Well, hey, I'll give her a night to remember.

Well, at least take her out to dinner first.

Good morning, guys. Good morning.

Angela's not down yet? No. Why? What's up?

Nothing, nothing. I'll tell you later.

Okay, catch me after you ask Angela out.

How did you... Oh, Grandma woke us up last night to tell us.

Tell you what?

Do it, Tony.

I dare you.

Jonathan, grow up. Come on, get out.

Can't you be a little mature about this, please?

Oh, nothing. You know those kids.

Yeah.

Gee,

Angela, you look especially pretty this morning.

What did you do to your hair?

I sweated on it.

Well, it works.

Hey, Angela, you want to go out tonight?

You mean a date?

Yeah, a date.

Why? Why?

Because we've never done anything like that before. Oh, yes, we have.

Don't you remember?

Jonathan fixed us up at that restaurant, Chez Rene.

Yeah, well, that was a misunderstanding.

Well, what about last year's ad award?

Well, that was business.

What about the time we went to the 101 Dalmatians?

That was a cartoon.

What about the time... All right, fine, fine. Let's not go out on a date. We've

been out on millions of dates.

Well, we never have been out on a date.

date.

So do you want to go or what?

Yes.

Good.

Thank you. You're welcome.

I thought this was going to be rough.

Hey, Tony, it's me, Angela. No big deal.

Yeah, no big deal.

She sure is taking a sweet time.

Well, you know women.

Hey, Jonathan, how do I look? Does this tie work?

Hey, it works great.

How about the jacket?

Tony, you're too nervous.

Come here, pal.

Yeah.

You know, you haven't dated in a while, so let me give you a little advice.

Well, I appreciate that. Thank you, Jonathan.

I have this great move for putting your arm around a girl.

It's... Yawn.

Stretch. And reach.

Then you land it on her shoulder.

It's really romantic.

I used it on Wendy Fisher in science class.

Well, did it work?

Oh, sure.

Of course, she was still under the effects of the ether.

This isn't right.

Oh, Angela, come on. Angela, Tony is waiting.

Oh, yeah, would you go downstairs and tell your father I'll be right down?

Nope, nope, can't lie to him.

Try.

Okay.

So where is Tony taking you? Well, he's being very mysterious. All he said was

that it's nice, probably some little romantic place. Does this say romance?

Undo a button.

You know, Mother, I just can't help wondering what this could be leading to.

Angela, don't wonder.

Just let it happen.

And then again, maybe it's leading to nothing.

Angela, look, just have fun.

Stop analyzing this to death. Thank you, Mother. You are a comfort.

Oh, well,

come on.

Oops, I almost forgot. Don't walk out the door without one of these, because

can't be too safe.

Ah!

wash and dry?

What did you think it was?

Let's not analyze this to death.

Well, Sam, I thought you said she was going to be right down.

I lied.

Attenzione!

Attenzione!

I give you Ms.

Angela Bauer.

Ta -da!

Don't milk it, dear.

Oh, wow. You... You look beautiful.

Thank you.

Shall we go?

Oh, not yet. One minute, one minute.

Who is it?

Tony Maselli.

Oh, hello.

So not... Oh.

For you.

Thank you.

Oh, you have such a lovely home.

And so clean.

Thank you. Shall we? Sure.

Oh, wait a minute.

You didn't tell me you had children.

Does it make a difference?

Well, I guess I could learn to love them.

Check out this place.

I hear it's great. I hear even the waiters are funny.

Is something wrong?

Oh, no. I just wasn't expecting a comedy club.

Oh, so you're disappointed?

No, no. It looks like it'll be fun.

Okay. Miss Boy. Oh, Miss, Miss, maybe you could give us a table up front. It's

sort of a special night for us.

Then what are you doing here?

Crazy woman.

Tony,

right in front of the stage?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Hey, look, nothing's too good for our first date, huh?

I'll get to you when I can. I got twice the load tonight. Our other waitress got

mono.

Mono. She's killing me.

So?

So far, so good? I could stay like this all night.

I knew you'd like it. Not that my arm is stuck to the table.

Well, we can leave.

Oh, that's all right. I came prepared.

Well, anyway, how are things at the office?

Uh, Tony...

Since this is a date date, could we just not talk about the usual stuff? You

know, the school and work and the kids. Okay, okay. No school, no work, no kids.

We'll talk about everything else.

I bet you there's lots of little things we don't even know about each other.

Let's discover them. Sure, sure. I never told you that funny story about me and

Joe Garagiola. No, you didn't. Now, you told me the one about stepping on his

foot, but what's the funny one?

That is the funny one.

Stories. There are a lot of little things. Now, for instance, I bet you

even know what my middle name is.

Catherine. But I bet you don't know why it's Catherine.

It was your maternal grandmother's middle name.

All right. I bet you don't know my favorite author, Beatles song, Color.

Austen, Hey Jude, and Green.

What shade?

Emerald.

When I was seven years old, our gardener... Ben.

Gave me a little kitten.

A black Persian one I crossed.

Little Whiskers. Of the gardener's wife. They're never married.

Hello, everybody.

I'm Andy Drake. Welcome to Gut Punch.

Ladies and gentlemen, before I begin, I just want to say this is a very exciting

night for me.

Just a few minutes ago, I signed a deal with Columbia Records.

Thank you.

album in six to eight weeks.

I love this guy.

Sir, tell me, what's your name, sir?

Oh, Tony, Tony. So, Tony, Tony, who's the lady, lady?

Oh, this is Angela, Angela.

Hey, I work alone.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

You see, Angela, if we didn't sit here, you would have never called on us.

So, what are you doing with this guy?

Uh, we're on a date. Ooh, yeah, I had a date last week. The girl said no

petting. So I left my dog at home.

So, how long have you guys been dating?

Um, this is our first date. Ah, how long have you known each other?

Uh, well, five years.

Ooh, fast mover, Tony. When's your second date? 1994?

So tell me, uh, how did you two meet?

Um, I work for her.

Oh, well, what do you do?

I'm her housekeeper.

You're dating your housekeeper? Let me guess. You're on the rebound from the

pool man.

So tell me, how often does Tony come to your house? Once a week? Twice a week?

He lives with us.

He lives with us. Very convenient.

Wait a minute. Who's that?

My mother, my son, and his daughter. My daughter, my daughter. What is this, a

commune? Where does the goat bleed?

Look,

look, guys, I don't want to say anything, but you guys have a mighty

relationship. Oh.

There is nothing weird about our relationship.

Five years and you finally asked her out? What's the occasion?

Celebrating a new vacuum?

Hey, hey, hey, there happens to be no occasion.

Angela just happens to be working very hard lately and she hasn't had any time

for a real date.

What do you mean, a real date?

Oh, nothing.

You know, you've had a couple of real dates.

Did mother tell you about last night?

Angela, there is no shame in hiring an escort.

Not if you're desperate.

Oh, that's what this is all about.

No, no, Angela, it's not what this is all about. This isn't a real date. This

a pity date.

It's moments like this that make being a comedian all worthwhile.

Hey, folks, I gotta thank you. Thank you.

Oh,

a car just pulled up.

Let's see if they kiss goodnight. No, no, no, no. We can't do that.

We have to turn the light out first.

Well, we're home. Go to hell.

Lead the way.

What a waste of a wash and dry.

Hi. You okay?

Hi. I'm fine. I just came down here to get a drink.

Is your hand okay?

I said it was fine. See?

Yeah, well, can you do this?

Of course.

Not bad.

Better get some ice on that. I told you I'm fine. I know what I'm doing. Yeah,

let me help. I don't want your help, and I don't want your pity.

Hey, let's get something straight right now, Angel. I did not take you out

because of pity.

I took you out because you're beautiful, you're smart, you're funny, and you're

beautiful. You already said beautiful. I know. I said it twice. I always say it

twice. So if that makes me such a terrible person, then shoot me.

Tony?

What? Would you help me wrap up my hand?

Please?

You know, Angela, I'm going to put this on your face. Thanks. There's only one

thing I've got to say to you.

Now, when you lead with your right hand, you keep your elbow in, then you drop

it on the ground.

Gotcha.

Tony?

Yes?

Do you think you'll ever ask me out again?

I'm thinking.

Oh!

Now, you see, that was Betty. Get your elbow in that time.

All right. Yes, yes. I'll ask you out again, but please, next time, let's not

call it a date.

Good idea.

Oh, hey, look, look.

The Marx Brothers, my favorite. I knew that.

Lydia,

the tattooed lady.

She has eyes that folks adore so.

Tony.

You think that comedian was right?

You think we have a weird relationship?

No.

Come

on,

gang. Let's hit it. Let's move it. Let's do it. Casa Adolfo.

I just ate.

Well, I guess it's us.

I guess it's a date.

Oh, sorry. Not a date.

It's a meeting.

It's an excursion. It's like an outing. It's two people sitting at the same

booth eating tacos. Okay.

Let's order in.