Original subtitles

Here's a time for love and a time for living. Take a chance and face the wind.

An open road and a road that's hidden. A brand new life around the bend.

Not so long, but you might have waited. To a brand new life, a brand new life, a

brand new life around the bend.

Oh, gosh.

How can I oversleep today on all days?

Come on, everybody, up and at them. Breakfast on the table in two minutes.

Just call me the Galloping Gourmet.

Good morning. Table for one. What's going on?

Oh, Monsieur Messelli, on a gentleman's first day of the college, he should not

have to cook breakfast for himself or anyone else.

No? No.

Oh, how nice.

May I tuck?

Tuck away.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, well, guys, this is great, but, you know, I got an 8 o 'clock class.

Dad, what do you always tell me before I go to school?

Take off half your makeup.

Besides that, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. And he's

Pass the jelly donut.

No.

Tony, aren't you nervous about your first day of school? I mean, you don't

any... Anybody. You'll have to eat lunch by yourself. You might get thrown in a

locker. Oh, well, Jonathan, pal of mine, all I'll do is I'll stay friendly, I'll

stay outgoing, and I'll stay away from the lockers.

It doesn't work.

Well, look, guys, great eats, but I really got to run.

Well, what are you going to do for lunch? Well, I think I'll just pick

up at the student union.

I always did.

Good morning.

I am Professor Elliot Darnell, and this is Public Speaking 101.

Oh, he talks good.

In this course, you will learn to appreciate the beauty of the English

and how to communicate it effectively.

I demand total commitment, regular attendance, and on those rare occasions

I make a joke, I expect you to laugh.

What is your name, sir?

Jimmy Lesser.

Obsequious, aren't we, Mr. Lesser? Yes, sir. Thank you.

I am a fair man.

I give fair warning. Therefore, if anyone here is not prepared for a

semester of diligent work, that large wooden rectangle is a door. Use it now.

Your first assignment is to describe yourselves using as few words as

Excuse me, when does that assignment do?

Now, your first.

Hi, my name's Cynthia Taylor.

Well, before I begin, Professor Darnell, I just want to tell you how very, very

happy I am to be taking your class.

I have heard so much about you.

Thank you, Miss Taylor. You may be seated.

But I haven't told you anything about me yet. Oh, yes, you have.

All right, then.

Who's next?

You.

Me?

Which word didn't you understand?

Well, okay, here goes.

I'm Tony Maselli.

And I used to, once I played second base for the Cards, you know, the Redbirds.

And I got a beautiful daughter named Sam. And in a nutshell, I'm going to

college to improve myself.

That is astonishing. That is absolutely amazing.

What can I say? I got the gift of gab, you know.

Mr. Maselli, in that brief introduction, you managed to violate more rules of

speech and grammar than I would ever have thought possible.

That bad, huh?

Huh?

Allow me to add guttural phrases to the list.

Public speaking is not just a course, Mr. Maselli. It's a way of life.

You are judged by the words you choose and how you use them. Therefore, you are

how you speak.

Now speak!

Well, I, uh... I, uh, I, uh, I, uh...

I was, I, I was, I...

That'll order, huh?

You and me both.

Hi.

How about a nice, fresh, homemade sandwich?

Angela, what are you doing here? Oh, I thought I'd just come, surprise you, and

bring lunch.

Surprise! Oh.

Gee, this is so nice of you. I know. I'm wonderful.

So, how was your first day of college?

You know, it was collegiate.

Hey, Tony.

Bill, are you in public speaking class?

Oh, you must have the wrong guy.

No, it was you. How could I forget? You were the one Professor Darnell ripped

apart in front of the whole class.

I'd die if that happened to me.

Well, uh... Oh, yeah, yeah. Now I remember.

Tony, what happened?

Oh, it was nothing, Andy. Nothing?

Tony introduces himself, right? And basically, Darnell squashes him like a

snail. Thump, crunch, ooh.

Well, it wasn't that bad. Yes, it was.

That professor's a real stiff.

Angela, I mean, he makes English sound like a foreign language. I'll give you

example. Thus, allow me to eradicate a common misconception.

Professor Darnell.

Hey, guys, come here for a second.

What professor does this most remind you of? If any of you students are not

prepared for a challenging semester of diligent study, that large wooden

rectangle... Is a door.

Use it now.

Uh -oh.

Uh, Professor Darnell, uh...

I was just copying the master. You know what they say about imitation being the

sincerest form of flattery. Are you buying any of this?

That is the kind of behavior one would expect to find at a junior high, not at

an institution of higher learning. You're right, Professor. I didn't mean

offend you. It was just, you know, kind of a lame excuse for humor.

Kinda?

Mr. Othelli, language skills are the building blocks of education.

Since you appear to be blockless, I strongly suggest that we consider

this college.

Professor,

I'm really sorry about what I said, but I'm here to stay, and nothing you can

say is going to stop me from getting my degree.

Nothing?

Nothing I can say?

Then we shall be together three times a week for the next four months, and

nothing could please me more.

Nothing?

At least you didn't throw me in a locker.

Tony, you'll do fine. You'll win him over. Oh, come on, Angela. I'm not going

learn nothing from that guy.

He doesn't want students. He wants clones.

An army of little Darnells. Their tongues marching in goosebump.

What a jerk.

Well, the jerk does have a point.

It's a small point. It's a tiny point. It's a pinpoint.

Now, what's your point, Angela?

Well, someday you might want to look for another job, and how you present

yourself makes a difference.

Oh, wait.

Hey, yo, are you saying the way I talk is going to hold me back?

It might. It just depends on what you want to do.

All right, all right. Well, let's say I come to you for an advertising job. You

don't know me.

You'd hire me, wouldn't you?

See, when you're hiring a prospective employee, there are lots of variables to

consider.

It's a very competitive job market out there, and you just, you have to make

best impression you possibly can.

You wouldn't hire me, would you?

I wouldn't.

Well, gee, Angela, I just have two things to say. I mean, first, that's a

rotten thing to say to your best friend, and second, thanks.

Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this

a new nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all

men are created equal.

Any comments?

By Mr. Micelli. What a surprise.

You have something to say?

Yes, I do, Professor Darnell. Regarding Mr. Lincoln's use of the phrase four

score and seven years ago, wouldn't it have been more economical to have just

said 87 years ago?

That's fascinating. That is a point actually worthy of discussion.

Economy.

was not the only consideration.

What about the mood created by the poetry of the words?

Ah, but is not clarity even more important?

How was 19th century man expected to understand such complex verbiage? After

all, he was hardly as educated as we.

However, we must bear in mind that clarity was perhaps not Mr. Lincoln's

objective. His main objective was to inspire, and that he did.

Well, I acquiesce.

Any other observations?

It also strikes me that the qualifier upon this continent seems unnecessary.

Where else would our fathers have brought forth this nation? Rio?

That is a very provocative thesis.

Thank you.

You've actually given us something to think about. Thank you, Professor

I owe it all to you.

A brief reminder, class. Next week will be your

first... Public speech.

And since it's difficult to procure an audience for this event, you are each

required to bring one guest.

Yes, Mr. Miesfeld. Can I bring more than one?

You mean, may I bring more than one? And the answer is, yes, you may. I marvel

at his tutelage.

Pass dismissed.

Mr. Miesfeld.

Yes, sir.

I must... tell you how duly impressed I am by your extraordinary progress.

Would you care to join me at a meeting of the Oratorical Society?

It's Winston Churchill night. Oh, that's my favorite.

A -I -O -U, A -I -O -U,

A -I -O -U, and sometimes Y.

A -I -O -U.

I love you.

I love you.

Tony, you need a woman.

Mona, I'm just warming up my instrument.

I rest my case.

Oh,

Angela, Angela, I'm glad to see you. Want to hear my speech for tonight?

Well, after five times, it kind of loses something.

You know, it's possible to go too far.

Angela, you don't understand. You can't go too far in your search for the

perfect bon mot.

Won't this be fun, Grandma? Four solid hours of lectures by college freshmen.

Four solid hours?

Is this Tuesday night?

I just remembered I scheduled some elective surgery.

Don't worry, Tony.

I'll tape it for him. Okay, buddy.

Hey, I owe you.

I owe you. I'll get it. Bye, Bonnie.

I owe you.

What?

Hello?

Oh, hi, Philly. Yeah, he's here. Hold on. Hey, Dad, it's Philly.

Hey, Sam.

Hey is for horses.

Can't you come up with a better word than hey?

You're right, Dad.

Yo, it's Philly.

Hello,

Philly. Well, yes, I'd love to go to the Jets game. When?

Oh, Monday night. I'm sorry. I'm otherwise engaged.

Well, I would cancel Philly, yes, I would, but it's Edwin Newman night. Oh,

and he's going to be speaking on euphemisms, aphorisms, and terse

Oh, it's going to be so exciting.

Philip, Philip, that language hardly becomes... Hello?

Hello?

Dad, what's with you?

Uh, Samantha, I believe the phrase is, what's wrong with you?

No, it's what's with you.

I can't even talk to you anymore.

You're like a totally different person.

Huh.

What's... What's her problem?

Well, why don't, uh... Why don't we not worry about it right now? Come on,

you're gonna be late for your speech. Okay, yes, you're right. Hey, I owe you.

Hey, you.

The kid's right.

Who are you?

Edwin Newman. Who do you think?

Oh, well...

Make fun if you must, but I have just decided to expand my horizons.

Well, la -dee -da.

Let me tell you something, pal. You were doing all right when you talk like me.

You got into college.

You were president of the Parents Association.

And I never heard no complaints from the Benedetti twins.

Well, we didn't talk that much.

I know.

I was there.

Listen, I have just made a choice to better myself.

I mean, I have a thirst for knowledge.

Hey, look, banana, if you're so thirsty, why don't you get yourself a drink of

water, huh?

I mean, listen to yourself. You're starting to sound like a real phony.

Phony? Moi?

That's it. I give up on you.

Well, I'd love to stay and chat a while, but my podium awaits.

Go ahead, go ahead. Go flap your gums, genius.

But remember, When you're up there behind that podium, just think about

really doing the talking.

Every

teacher

dreams of finding a student who will fulfill his expectations.

Four weeks ago, such a student walked into my classroom.

Since then, through hard work, dedication, and adherence to my

has transformed himself into an effective and eloquent speaker. It is my

great pleasure to present to you Tony Mazzelli.

Thank you, Professor Darnell.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

The subject of my presentation is financial support for collegiate

It is my contention.

that the cost -benefit analysis... As

I was saying, it is my contention that the cost

-benefit analysis makes it a bunch... Mr.

McKinley?

Oh, I'm sorry, Professor Darnell.

Look,

I had this whole speech prepared for you tonight, you know, prepositions and

suppositions up to here to four.

But you don't want to hear any of this, so let me just tell you a little story,

okay?

Once upon a time, there was this kid who played a little baseball in high

school.

Let's call him Tony.

It's a nice name.

Anyway, if somebody would have come up to Tony back then in high school and

to him, Hey, kid.

How'd you like to keep playing baseball and go to school and we'll pay for it,

too? Well, I'm telling you, Tony would have jumped for joy with talking,

in the streets.

Unfortunately, though, nobody said that to him.

But through hard work, Tony made it to the majors and everything was going

until one day he got hurt.

And boom, his career was over.

And now there he stands. No career, no job, no education, no nothing.

See, my point is real simple.

There are a lot of Tonys out there with the talent and the talent to be the best

they can be.

And we shouldn't take that chance away from them. They deserve our support.

Don't take their future away from them.

Thank you, and let's play some ball, huh?

with our program for this evening. Thank you very much for coming.

That was great, sir.

Tony, you were good.

But that guy with that plaque speech really blew me away.

You were wonderful.

Mr. Metalli?

It may not be unanimous.

Yes, Professor.

Very interesting speech.

Persuasive, well -organized, and in violation of nearly every principle that

have tried to drill into you.

Well, uh...

You know what they say, a guy's got to do what a guy's got to do.

Does that cliche mean we have just heard your swan song?

No, in fact, Professor Darnell, I've decided to tough it out.

Good.

So long as you understand that the key word there is tough.

Yes, sir.

By the way, Professor, I'm going to have to miss the Edward Newman bash.

I've got Jets tickets.

Personally, I prefer the Giants.

Well, you would.

Well, welcome back.

We missed you. Yeah, I guess I did go a little overboard on that speech stuff.

Well, going overboard is a natural reaction to your first experience in

I call it freshman -itis.

The point is, college isn't supposed to change you. It's supposed to bring out

the best in you.

Hey, you.

You should listen to the lady. She knows what she's talking about.

And she's cute, too.

That's for sure.

What was that?

Oh, nothing. I was just saying to myself that you were right. And you know

something?

You're awfully cute.

You do have a good mind.