Original subtitles

I don't get it.

Nesbitt's been missing for weeks now. We've been here for three days, and his

trail's gone completely cold.

We haven't found a thing.

The guy doesn't make any sense. I mean, he's a millionaire, a billionaire.

He's got it made.

Probably got babes on each arm.

There is not enough money in the world.

You see?

Money can't buy you happiness, bro.

I guess.

But you can make a down payment.

Maybe that's what happened to this Nesbitt guy.

You know, rich get jaded.

Bored, overstressed.

What, you think he walked away from it all?

I don't know.

Either that or he got pulled away from it all.

Oh, come on, Ray. If a guy like Nesbitt, he goes to the bathroom, takes ten

bodyguards with him. Well, sometimes bodyguards aren't enough to protect you.

You're thinking it's a demon job.

Hey. The guy's rich, right?

I mean, he's the perfect catch for a demon.

Company owner, stockbroker, looks like Kevin Kline.

I'd say so.

Good one.

That was no accident, Goodwin.

Where's Sarah?

Sarah?

Sarah!

She's gone.

An oath sworn is an oath answered.

An oath of vengeance for a life taken. A past destroyed.

But he's a threat.

Enemy of darkness.

His battle eternal.

He walks the earth with a plan.

His mission, to hunt the messengers of evil and drive them back to hell.

Now, the light of the earth depends.

She was a tall woman with blonde hair.

No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's really built. You've seen her.

Goodwin. No, I think he's seen her.

Sarah!

Sarah!

Maybe she spotted a bargain someplace, you know? Better prices on hand -woven

gourds or something?

She was taken by force. This was no accident.

I think you're right.

Only a demon could part Sarah from a designer shoe.

Hey, kids!

Whoa, wait a minute! Stop!

I'm running out of languages here. Try this one.

Huh?

Oh, hey!

Not until you tell us who owns that old car.

That crazy lady who drives around here like she owns the place? She lives up at

the palace.

What palace?

Of course, the bad guy always lives in a palace.

Now, do we get the money?

Yeah, you get the money.

Well, now, why don't you tell me that in the first place?

Dude, nobody here speaks anything but English. Don't you watch MTV?

Globalization, Rafe.

Catch the wave.

Spare me.

Where's this palace he's talking about?

Must be the one we passed on the edge of town.

Unless there are a lot of palaces around here.

Let's go!

This

place

looks like the bus when I first got there.

I don't think she likes her new home.

Do you, dearie?

Who are you calling Derry?

There's

only

two of them.

Shouldn't be a problem. Go ahead.

You know, good one.

It wouldn't kill you to be a little more proactive sometimes.

Rafe, you know I'd love to see some action, but I got that whole shoulder

Shoulder thing?

Yeah, besides, you're the one who made the sword.

Isn't that that guy who owns the record label in the airline in the soda

company? Yeah.

Hey,

that lady.

That's the senator whose husband was the... Wait a second.

That guy.

He's the guy who owns all those casinos in Vegas.

How do you know all this stuff?

Don't you ever read people?

Keep the change.

Well, where's the royal welcome?

The brochure distinctly said, I get a royal welcome.

Friends, subjects, countrymen.

Presenting her royal highness, Queen Carlotta of Evermore Palace.

You've all come here to escape the pressures of your everyday lives and

experience unlike any other.

Think of it as a home.

Your home.

The place where all your dreams will come true.

It's a hotel.

Well, it sure as heck isn't a bed and breakfast.

And what do they want with Sarah?

They don't want her for her cooking.

All right, look.

You take the west side.

I'll take the east.

I was thinking we should stick together.

So I can watch your back.

I'll let you know if I find a way in.

Rafael! Rafael!

Up here!

Sarah?

Please, sir.

Please, Pine, sir, please help me.

I'd love to.

I'm the man with the plan.

My brother is trapped.

I would be ever so grateful if you help him.

I would do anything for you.

Well, when you put it that way... Nice outfit, by the way. Naughty, but nice.

This isn't going to be dangerous, is it?

My hero.

We've been waiting for you, immortal.

People tell me I need a haircut.

Maybe you should find someone else to help you out here. Don't you guys have

around here?

But you're so strong, so handsome.

Oh, you make a good point.

I'll do my best.

You're sure your brother's in there?

Yes, I'm so afraid.

By the way, if you're not doing anything after the rescue, I was thinking of

checking out the local microbreweries and... Please, my brother.

Right. Your brother.

Hello.

Get him.

Got who?

I'm going to treat him for it.

Never trust a woman dressed like that.

Expecting you, Immortal.

You've been very rude to keep her waiting for so long.

You know, for a depraved minion of Satan, you're really very attractive.

Are you trying to charm me, Immortal?

It won't work.

No, really, I mean it.

I feel a certain bond between us.

And I'd like to get closer.

Excuse me.

I have to rescue my friend and slay your demon queen.

Talk about a bad hair day.

Where is she?

Where is my new wicked step -sister? Right here.

Snakes? Is that the best you could do?

No, girly girl, squeals of disgust.

I'm impressed.

She makes a perfect Cinderella.

Not the Cinderella crap.

Except for the attitude.

I know what you are, all of you. So let's lose the fairy tale motif and cut

the chase, huh?

Just because we are demons doesn't mean we can have fun.

Right, Carlotta?

It's all right, Debrevia.

We have a very special guest arriving.

I want this kitchen for us.

Do I look like kitchen help to you?

It's either that or I turn you into a slug.

Which will it be?

Your Highness, we have him.

Who? My brother and I have captured the immortal.

Now? I told you I was expecting a special guest.

Now, clean up this mess.

Don't worry.

She's not angry at you.

She's angry at the mess.

This is one fractured fairy tale.

Okay.

Channel the rife.

Channel the rife.

Come on, boy.

Or girl, whatever.

Come on, just a few steps closer.

Be cool.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

I'm your friend.

I'll make you a deal.

As soon as I get out this door, I'll go to the animal shelter, beast shelter,

whatever. I'll find you a nice home, okay? We'll find you a nice home.

You're not being very cooperative.

Come on.

A little bit closer.

Here, boy.

Here, girl.

Come on.

Come on.

Almost there.

Almost. there come on yeah you can do it i believe i believe

are working with you.

Thank you, miss.

You're more than welcome, I'm sure.

I've been a fan of yours for years.

I even like your margarine commercials.

Margarine? When they told me that all my fantasies would come true at this

resort, I had no idea that they meant you.

I see.

Well, thank you. It was a pleasure meeting you.

Clemper. Mary Lou Clemper.

But I'd be happy to change it if the right fella came along.

Oh, I'm sure you would. And I'm sure he will.

But right now I have some work to do. So, it's a pleasure meeting you.

The pleasure was all mine.

The immortal was right here.

You let him escape?

I am surrounded by fools.

No, Rathal.

We have his prince.

He will come for her.

But, your highness, what about feeding the beast?

He shan't be hungry for long.

Rathal!

She was my sister.

Grow up.

Just because this is a fairy tale, we can't all have happy endings.

Sarah?

Not you again.

Raphael, Raphael.

I let down my hair for you.

Lucky me.

You must be tired, Raphael.

What are you doing to me?

So tired of being a hero.

After all these battles.

All these centuries.

You don't have to fight anymore.

You can stay here.

Here with me.

Happily ever after.

Not for you.

Plenty of me to go around.

Fool!

Not you fools.

This fool.

The immortal is here.

He's killed Deprevia. I want him found. Do you understand me?

Do you understand this?

Now go be evil, you moron.

What did I do to deserve this assignment?

If I kill the immortal, promise me you will get me out of this dratty palace.

I could work in a bank, real estate, anything but this.

Excuse me there, Queenie.

Miss Clunker, isn't it?

Clemper. Mary Lou Clemper.

Listen, I was just wondering.

Well, I don't... I don't think I'm exactly sure on what's going on here.

What's going on? Yes.

I don't mean to be pushy or anything, but I would like to know where these

gentlemen are taking me.

Well, that depends, Mary Lou, on what exactly your fantasy really is.

Oh.

Well, as you may know,

I run a very large multinational corporation.

People rely on me to make a hundred decisions every day.

I've always wanted to be a princess in a fairy tale. You know, a damsel in

distress waiting for her prince charming.

Silly, isn't it?

Not at all.

Enjoy your day.

Take her away.

Wait a minute.

Oh, my God.

Tore. Huh.

Come here, Joker. Listen to me. You're going to help me find somebody. No funny

business.

Let me put that another way.

You're coming with me.

Come

on.

Hey, this is where we started.

You're taking me out of circle, clown.

I don't normally waste my time with bottom feeders like you.

But in your case, I'll make an exception. I want you to take me to

Are you listening to me?

Harold Nesbitt?

Do you have any idea how many people are trying to find you?

Your company is collapsing.

The life savings of thousands of people are going down the toilet so you can

play dress -up?

Hello?

Demon brainwashing.

So that's why she brought you all here.

Control the best minds of the economy, and she controls the economy.

And I'll bet she's not planning on stopping there, is she?

Never mind.

I came from down there.

Pick up your stuff. Let's go.

Hey.

Hey!

If you expect me to peel those things, you've got another thing coming and...

Sarah, I found you.

Goodwin.

I was just in the neighborhood and I thought I'd drop in.

How did you find me?

Oh, my razor sharp instincts, I guess.

So what do you say we get out of here?

Goodwin.

What do you want with us?

You have to ask?

The immortal will come looking for you.

I wouldn't count on living happily ever after.

Oh, really?

When Raphael is done with you, you'll be rinsing brimstone off your royal robe,

you putrid lone ant.

You are very brave, aren't you?

Excuse me.

I have my moments.

In fact, you are a regular prince charming.

Goodwin, don't trust her.

I don't know about the prince part, but charming?

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Watch my sock spot.

Goody. I hate when this happens.

Reverse the curse, you witch!

Now, why would I want to do a thing like that?

I

don't

suppose you have a key, do you?

I got my own key.

You're here. I knew it. You see, I told you he'd come.

It's part of my fantasy to be rescued by Fabio.

Lady wants it for all. That's not Fabio!

Thank you.

You're welcome, Mr. Cigar.

Who?

Put me down, you scum -sucking demon. Put me down.

Gladly.

Not in there. I'll let you lick my back.

No, please.

You can't do this, you heartless witch.

But I can, my dear.

You see, I'm the queen.

Don't overcook him, my little clod -hopping moron.

Nobody likes rubbery frog's legs.

Tastes like chicken anyway.

And that's for you? Well.

First things first.

Some proper clothes, I think.

Something befitting a princess.

I am not a princess.

I think you will change your mind soon enough.

Good win.

Help! Somebody help me! Race!

Shout all you want, little froggy.

In soup, nobody can hear you scream.

Five years are just me.

Oh, good.

He's waking up.

Hello?

Hello?

Sleepyhead.

How long have I been out?

Not very.

You know, you're just so cute when you sleep.

Thea, you seem to have some idea what's going on around here.

You wouldn't happen to have some idea when dinner's served, would you?

It's just we've been down here quite some time now.

I'm afraid I'm getting rather peckish.

Yes, I could use a nibble myself.

When's the happy hour?

You people just don't get it, do you?

Get what, sweetheart?

This place is not a hotel.

Well, the services aren't up to scratch, I'll grant you that.

Look, it's a trap, okay? A trap set for rich, bored humans like yourselves

trying to escape your pathetic existence to indulge in your darkest and most

twisted fantasies.

Well, that is what the brochure said, yes.

Well, listen.

Well, this trap you're talking about.

Now, who would back something like this?

Well, it must be a pricey proposition.

I don't care about money.

They?

Demons.

Demons.

Right.

I haven't been taking any medications we ought to know about.

What is it?

What is it? A little basil.

Basil? What are you making? Basil. Dill, not basil.

This girl don't know how to cook.

Come on, good one.

Come on, hop to it.

Come on. Just go.

Move it.

Hurry.

Come on.

You can do it.

You can do it. Come on.

Try adding water next time, Spice Boy.

Now these demons of yours, They're not

mine. They belong to the Lord of Darkness.

Yes, of course.

Anyway, these demons, what exactly is their raison d 'etre?

Their mission statement, if you will.

To cause pain and suffering throughout the world. To make humanity live in

misery and grief.

To conquer all light, all darkness, all hope, despair,

all good.

The forces of evil.

Mission statement accomplished, if you ask me.

Not yet.

As long as I draw breath, I will fight until every demon scum is back where it

belongs.

Yes, that's right. You go for it, killer.

Bravo, Ruffian.

I love great talk and a face of death.

Yeah? Cut me loose and I'll do more than talk.

Hmm, tempting.

But wouldn't you rather hear about the deal I have to offer you?

Hey, listen, honey.

If you want to negotiate with someone, you should be talking to me.

Silence, worm.

Rafe!

Sarah!

Oh, not yet.

Not until we discuss my terms.

I don't make deals with demons.

She's a demon!

Definitely.

I have lost my sister thanks to you.

I feel you owe me something.

Well, you're not taking her.

I don't want Sarah.

I want you.

This queen needs a king.

This is better than that dinner theater in Tampa.

They do have a certain soapy quality, don't you think?

Who are you people?

And lady, you better back off.

I would rather gouge my eyes out than spend two seconds as your king.

How vivid.

I thought you might feel this way.

That's why she's still around.

Do you believe in fairy tales, Sarah?

Not for a long time.

Don't listen to her.

So.

You don't think that someday Prince Charming will come along and sweep you

your feet?

Oh, please. I've met lots of Prince Charmings.

Unfortunately, they all turn into Prince. I lost your number in the

Talk about it.

Well, maybe this will renew your faith.

Oh, my God.

You remembered.

That looks just like my grandmother Tara's.

My mother used to sit at it.

Tell me my favorite story.

What story, Sarah?

Sarah, don't. My favorite story.

Sitting Beauty.

Nice work.

Get ready.

slept for a hundred years until her prince charming came along and with a

perfect kiss he brought her to life you'd like that wouldn't you

sarah one kiss and you come to life all you

have to do is touch the needle touch the needle and sleep

I'll give it ten to one that she does it.

You're on.

Sleep.

Sleep.

Sleep on this, witch.

All right.

Right.

Come on, witch.

I offered you the world.

reality.

think he'll make it of course he will he's a hero what

it's just a fairy tale goodwin watch out

what are you doing if it's just a fairy tale it needs a fairy tale ending right

Did it work?

Didn't hurt.

If the show's over now, can we order dinner?

Well, I'd say that was rather good value for money, even if the service was a

bit slow.

It was worth it just to network with you, Henry.

Well, likewise, I'm sure, Miss Klempner.

Call me Mary Lou.

Would you like a lift to the city, Mary Lou?

I can't get it.

I can't get a signal here. Hello?

Hello?

All right.

It's back to the real world.

More or less.

Oh, that reminds me. I have something of yours.

Oh, my shoe.

May I? Yes.

like I have my own Prince Charming.

I'm kidding.

That's all right.

I think I'm going to just go grab a cab.

Goody, any after effects from your time as a swamp dweller?

No, no, not at all. I'm a little hungry, maybe, but, you know.

That's unusual.

It's not easy being green.