Original subtitles

I mean, what's the point, James?

I mean, really.

I know what you mean.

It's not as if we exactly asked to be born in this pitiful, meaningless world.

Exactamundo. I mean, sometimes I think the best thing to do will be to just put

a gun to your head and call it a day.

What are you looking at, Byron?

Do you like what you see, Byron?

Huh?

You heard me, Byron.

What are you doing with your little lonely life?

I don't know. Nothing. I... I just, um... No friends? No future?

I mean, come on.

You don't really think you'd ever get to first base with that sweet checkout

girl, let alone a babe like me, now do you?

I want you to take the pills, Byron.

Go ahead.

Take them.

All of them.

It's for the best.

Really.

Yeah.

Do it for Barbie.

Would you help me, Moose?

Byron?

Byron?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What have you done?

Byron, what have you done?

Yes! This is an emergency. I need an ambulance right away.

No, it's my son.

He took all these pills.

We'll be back to Barbie College Girl Tap after this message.

An oath sworn is an oath answered.

An oath of vengeance for a life taken. A past destroyed.

A future threatened.

Enemy of darkness. His battle eternal.

He walks the earth relentless.

His mission, to hunt the messengers of evil and drive

them back to hell.

Now, the light of the earth depends on the immortal.

You didn't even touch him.

Nothing like enjoying the great outdoors.

Huh, Goody?

Yeah, whatever. This game's got me hooked.

Hey, guys, listen to this. Give me a second, will you? The game's almost

Oh, forgive me. I would never want to interrupt a game.

What is it?

It's from today's post.

Celeste Anders, a midtown mother, is convinced that her son's near -fatal

suicide was influenced by a new cable television episode of Barbie, College

Temp. According to her son, one of the series' stars told him to take his own

life. Oh, come on, Sarah. The guy was obviously suicidal to begin with. Yeah,

and delusional, and maybe even schizophrenic. But be that as it may, I

online this morning. I found six different recent reports of dangerous

criminal behavior supposedly influenced by this television program.

This, uh, Barbie College Girls show?

Yeah. Yeah, and I heard about this guy who was watching this medical series

who apparently tried to take out his own appendix.

Ouch! That's gotta hurt.

So what's your take on that?

I'm not really sure, but I conducted a net search on other suspect programs.

I get that they all originate from the same TV cable facility, a place called

Studio D.

Well, why don't you go check it out and talk to this Mrs. Anders?

That's what I was planning. She can give me some insight into her son.

Hey, Goody, you in the mood for a Hollywood studio tour?

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Chance to meet Barbie the college girl,

Tamp. No, that's not what I'm talking about.

Hang on, let me get my autograph book.

Oh, no.

Autograph books?

Yeah, he collects them. For ages now.

Actually, he has some pretty nice ones.

I'm almost afraid to ask.

Yeah, better you don't.

Yeah.

Byron seldom left his room.

We tried to get him involved in outside activities.

His father and I.

But day and night, he just stayed plugged into this thing.

Now, you mentioned your son was on medication.

What was that for, if you don't mind my asking?

No, it's okay.

Just antidepressants.

You know, the pressure on youth these days.

Yeah.

Byron's a good son.

It's just that he seemed to lose touch with reality.

Especially after we subscribed to this new cable channel.

Studio D?

Yes.

We called and canceled after we discovered his obsession with it, but

cut it off.

It's these shows. I know it is. Sit down, Mrs. Anders.

What's that on the remote?

Now... I don't mean to seduce, but I love this show.

It's amazing, isn't it?

It's so compelling.

It's so real.

Turn it off.

Please. No.

No, I can't.

I won't.

Please. Please.

What, you don't like the story?

The mother and the father.

Oh, no.

They're so real, aren't they?

I'm bleeding around here.

I'm cool. I'm cool. I'm cool.

Get out of here before I throw you off. I'm cool.

Clever. Clumsy teenagers.

Should we try the back entrance?

This place reeked of evil.

Could be the plumbing. Could be the stench of all those rotten television

Hey. Barbie College Girl Temp happens to be a classic slice of modern -day pop

culture. It examines in depth the confused primal urges of the post

mindset caught in the post -industrial bureaucratic practice... Good one.

Please.

Ixnay the Psychobabble.

She's a babe.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, that's it. But that's not why we're here, okay? We're here for one

only. Why don't you go down that way? Meet me back here in ten minutes.

Scream if you need backup.

That's it.

Don't worry about that, boy.

It's going straight through the roof. Tell me something I don't know.

I want more product, and I want it now. What have you got from development? Sir,

this is going to blow you away. It's a couple of pictures for a new line of

preschooler shows.

Yes. Good.

Get to them before they learn to think for themselves.

Saves us a lot of time and energy. We have two absolute killers for the

Talk to strangers and fun with power tools.

I like it.

Get these into production ASAP.

And make sure that merchandising jumps on this.

Something like a line of miniature chainsaws and drill presses.

Something for their teeny tiny little hands and fingers.

Well, they still have them.

It is so nice to be above ground.

Although, I do miss the endless wretched screams.

Smell of roasting flesh.

Oh, well.

We still have the game show.

Yes, sir, we do.

It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it.

Ever make it on a photocopier? What do you mean?

Reproduce? Here at work?

Why not?

This one has an enlargement function.

Cut! That was great.

Take five.

Excuse me.

How did you get in here?

Oh, I work here.

Just down the hall.

So, uh, how's the show going?

Strange.

I haven't seen you before.

Oh, I'm new.

Listen, uh, would you mind, um...

This

is some little autograph book you have here, Mr...

Goodwin. Just Goodwin.

Ava Gardner.

Marilyn Monroe.

A little old for you, wouldn't you say?

Oh, that was ages ago.

My dad gave me that. Actually, his dad.

So, what would you like me to write in your little book, Goodwin?

How about, Goodwin, you were the best I ever had.

Or just love Barbie.

Either way.

You know, you have a certain charm.

A photogenic appeal.

You'd probably kill on camera.

I don't think so.

I'd probably be on my way. I've got important things to do.

What's so important?

I could probably arrange a screen test for you.

Or maybe we could just improvise our own scene right now.

I could get you into the next episode.

I think I should go.

Relax, Goodwin.

Just close your eyes.

And pucker up.

Ray?

Hark! The Call of the Wild.

Come on, Goodwin. We haven't finished that screen test yet. Forget it. I don't

look very good on camera anyway, especially with my throat ripped out.

Let me be the judge of that.

Well, I guess it won't have to be the judge of that after all.

Welcome back to the Henning Judge. Judge Simpson is in session. All rise.

I don't believe it.

Man, not you again.

Oh, well, well. It isn't my old sock -stealing friend Harvey.

What's wrong?

Working in the laundry isn't good enough for you anymore?

I'm moving up in the world, Immortal, unlike some of us.

Oh, yeah, I can see that. Big stuff, Harvey.

Erasing videotape. Well.

Oh, lunchtime, guys.

Have a seat, brainiac.

Look, you think you're getting one word of information out of me? You're

dreaming! Because I ain't.

Talk to me.

Fine.

Don't tell me who runs Studio D, or why.

Ouch!

Shh, keep it down.

Theo Thurston, game show host, now A -class studio help, business hall, demon

network, with the hopes of taking over everybody's mind in the world who owns a

television. La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

I don't want to know how he's going to do it.

Goodwin.

What kind of name is that?

The only one I have, sir.

Shut up, you peasant goofballs.

Well, Mr. Goodwin, you're hereby accused of the following crime.

But I... Silence!

Silence or you'll be held in contempt of court.

Sorry, sir.

You are hereby accused of the following crimes.

On October 4th, 1863, you weren't on site during a demon attack because you

feasting on chicken with a barmaid. Raphael Cain, the immortal, sustained a

wound to the arm.

I can explain that.

Silence, let me continue.

April 9th, 1739, Havana.

Another demon attack in which you failed to provide the necessary medical

attention to Raphael because you were off taking flamenco lessons.

Tango lessons, actually.

Enough!

Just look at this list.

Cowardice.

Drinking. Dressed up as a girl.

Wanton self -indulgence.

Screaming for your life.

Jeopardizing the lives of those who were stupid enough to put their trust in you

in the first place. Shall I continue?

No, no.

Then how do you plead to these charges?

Innocent.

Silence! Or I'll hang you all!

Seriously, Harvey.

I don't want to know one more thing about the D -Channel satellite uplink.

Or I'm going to have to hurt you.

Don't fry me.

State -of -the -art technology on the roof in the final stages of prepping,

as we speak.

I warned you.

Hey.

Good one.

Where is he?

Not talking.

All right, Harvey, don't tell me where he is, or your face will be on the

cutting room floor.

Fire in the court!

Well, what do you say, jury?

Innocent?

Or guilty?

Come on, innocent?

Or guilty?

Innocent or guilty?

Damn you, then I'll call it myself.

Guilty.

Guilty as charged.

Prepare to execute punishment.

Okay, okay, okay, it's time.

Look, I know you don't want to know where he is, which is down the hall,

door on the left.

Thanks for not talking to me. Any last word?

I didn't think so.

Now let's kick some ass.

Kick this.

How's that for the hand of justice, you mortal?

How about the sword of truth?

You okay, old buddy?

Listen to me.

You're the best friend anybody could ever ask for.

Don't let anybody ever tell you differently. You understand that?

Right now, I got some punishment to hand out.

Another time, immortal.

Come on, let's see what you got.

Coward.

What now?

Sarah. You're supposed to be here. I'm worried about her.

Let's go find her.

I just ran into our old buddy, Harvey.

Harvey? The studio dean? Yeah. He said there's an A -class named Thurston who's

planning to launch an international D -channel satellite link -up. Let's

Sarah and find out the results of her interview with Byron. If we hurry, we

might still catch her in the hospital.

Are you seriously trying to tell me?

That the immortal was here?

I am surrounded by incompetence. Let him go!

Where is he now?

Gone, sir. He totally destroyed a live cable cast of the hanging judge, saved

the boy, and left the building.

I want his head on a spike.

That might be difficult, sir.

Shut up!

Catch anything interesting on the tube lately?

Call Sarah.

So who's this chick you guys said was going to come by? Is she a shrink or

something?

Sarah's not a medical doctor. She's interested in studying abnormal social

phenomena.

You saying I'm abnormal?

No, just troubled.

Well, I don't want to see anyone except for Barbie.

Trust me, dude, it's not worth the hassle.

What my friend is trying to say is that Barbie isn't your normal, gorgeous,

seductive young girl.

What is she, then?

She's your worst nightmare, man.

Her only goal is to destroy your life.

Sounds like my ex -girlfriend.

It's still ringing.

That's not like her.

Let's go.

Take it easy, Byron. No, man, that's my only entertainment.

Read a book.

Oh, back to you. I don't want it.

I don't want it either.

Hi. Will the Beckmans make it through this fatal hour? Will their precious

child, Sarah, be spared?

Stay tuned.

Channel D tube zombie.

We gotta get back to the studio.

First we have to find Sarah, and I know exactly where she is. Come on.

You remember how we used to love each other?

I never loved you.

You sickened me from the start.

Yeah. Well, that's obvious.

And now it's over for both of us.

First you, then me.

Daddy, is that you?

Go back to sleep, Sarah.

Do it.

I dare you.

He won't do it.

He won't. He won't.

No,

he won't.

Here.

What? Cover them.

Sarah.

Sarah, it's over.

They're gone.

Beelzebub, what I wouldn't give for a direct A -class online connection to the

demon grid.

In your dreams, peon.

You couldn't afford the hookup fee.

How much is it?

A hundred years in hell and twenty more up here being a game show host to these

sniveling mortals.

Well, you were the... are the best, sir.

I want you to prepare the facility for another immortal visit.

He's coming back?

Oh, there'll be another sequel, all right.

One the immortal will never forget.

Sarah,

try

this.

It's an herbal sedative. A good one made it.

Thanks.

You really ought to try to get some rest. You know, close your eyes for a

while.

I can't.

Every time I do, all I see... Rafe, it was them.

My parents, exactly the way I saw them last.

It was a vision, okay?

A demonic vision that was planted in your brain.

How?

You know how they work.

Target your vulnerable spots, plan your weaknesses, take over.

It was too real, Rafe.

It was like I was reliving that horrible scene all over again.

But that's what it was.

Exactly. It was the theme from a demonic TV show.

Come on.

Try getting some rest.

You know, I really need to take a walk.

Get some fresh air.

How are you feeling?

Better, marginally.

Where's Sarah going?

She's going for a walk. God knows what that evil thing did to her.

Is that bad?

Yeah, she thinks her parents are still alive, that Thurston has them locked up

in a demonic studio.

She's going to need some help.

First thing we've got to do is get back to that studio, though.

I've got to terminate that demonic force, and you've got to get up to the

rooftop and take care of that satellite.

Are you up for it?

Yeah, are you kidding?

Demonic satellites, international cable uplink.

What will they think of next?

Satanic fast food franchise?

Where's she going?

With the implementation of this demon satellite uplink, my plan for world

domination in television programming is imminent.

The cosmic cable connection.

The final step toward creating the all -consuming, one -channel demon universe.

Brilliant. Be all you can be.

Are you chilly, sir? Do you want my jacket?

No.

It's immortal.

It's here.

I feel it this time. It's like acid moving through my gut.

Prepare for his arrival as we discussed.

Now.

Immediately, yes, sir.

There's no biz like showbiz.

No time to kill these vermin.

You still have that security pad?

First thing on the agenda.

Fine, Sarah.

Second thing on the agenda?

Kill all these gum -sucking vermin pigs.

Come on, Ray. Let me have a gun.

You're going to use this? Oh, yeah. I'm pumped.

I'm no coward, no matter what that hanging judge said.

I know you're not.

I've always been there for you, right?

Yes, you have. Take off the safety.

What?

Safety. Take it off. I knew that.

Here.

Hey. Ray.

You have to ask the lady to dance.

You okay, Sarah?

I've got to find a good one.

You've got to help me.

He used to measure my height every year.

Sarah.

Sarah, don't.

They're here.

My parents are here, aren't they?

They're not here.

They're not.

The demons are playing with our hearts and our minds. What if they are, Rafe?

What if there's a possibility that they are alive? No.

They're not.

You saw them die.

The demons killed them.

First thing we have to do is find Thurston.

He goes down, the whole place will follow.

Injustice will prevail once again.

Pretty strong talk for a coward.

You got lucky last time, Immortal.

But this time, I'm judge, jury, and executioner.

It looks like it's judgment day.

Maybe you'll need this, buddy.

You've been playing with the B team, Immortal.

When you hit the big leagues, you have to be really tough.

Stay out of this.

Not even.

We got bigger fish to fry. Let's go.

How many floors did we come down here?

I don't know. I lost count of 20.

So this isn't the parking garage.

Do you hear that?

Sounds like music.

This is weird.

What is that?

Oh, looks alien to me.

Appears to be a living mucus membrane.

Walls are covered in it.

Not alien.

Demonic.

Greg, look.

Quick, take my hand.

Sarah?

Sarah?

She's gone.

I gotta find her. First thing I want you to do is get up to the rooftop, do

whatever you have to do to stop that satellite transmission.

That's like 20 floors up. Well, then you better get going.

Yeah, exactly.

Sarah?

Sarah? You in here?

Welcome,

demons and demonettes, to a special live action -packed episode of Wheel of

Death!

Great. A game show for demons.

Now, please welcome the host of Wheel of Death, the man who put the demon in

Studio D, Theodore!

Welcome. Is someone out there ready to die today?

Welcome, Mr.

Cade. The wheel awaits.

I deal with demons my own way. I wouldn't do that, Mr. Cade. Not until

whose life you're playing for.

Tell our at -home audience what our immortal friend will be playing for

will you, Irv?

Certainly, Mr. Thurston.

Today, Mr. Kane is playing for the life or death of Dr. Sarah Beckman. Not a

real doctor, not at least in the medical sense. Miss Beckman is a paranormal

physicist specializing in psychokinetic exploration, Theodore.

Thank you, Earth.

And now, Mr. Kane, will you please take your place at the wheel?

Get on it and spin, Thurston.

I wouldn't get too close.

One touch of this button and the cubicle will immediately be filled with a

deadly... toxic gas, killing your friend instantly, a gruesome and painful

death. Trust me.

Our deadly toxic gas is brought to us, of course, care of our sponsors, Toxic

Gas. Great for terrorists and insane military dictators.

Now, would you like me to explain the rule of death rules to you, Mr. Kane?

Rule?

You've got rules?

Oh, yeah.

You spin the wheel, it lands on a topic. Answer the question correctly, your

friend lives.

Answered incorrectly, she died?

Excellent. You must have played this before.

What do I do to free her?

I'm afraid that's not an option.

Then what's the point of the game?

Embarrassment, humiliation, guilt, followed by certain death.

The usual.

Precisely. Now, will you spin the wheel or shall I do it for you?

How's it look?

Not bad. I've got some fine peanuts that you hear and we'll be ready for

opening.

Ah, history.

One of my favorites.

Name the most infamous medical practitioner of Nazi Germany, who was

his brilliant revolutionary experiments as well as his charisma and striking

good looks.

Charisma? You've got to be kidding.

Jeff, answer the question.

Dr. Joseph Mengele.

A .K .A. the Angel of Death.

Correct. With a contempt for humanity so severe that evil hung around him like

putrid smoke.

Enough! Don't push me, immortal.

Now, spin the wheel!

Yummy!

Pestilence and famine.

Severe infection caused by the Bacillus Yersina Pesti. The bubonic plague, a .k

.a. Black Death.

Painful ulcerous sores, uncontrollable fever and delirium.

Thousands of people lay dying on the street.

The work of Blaylock.

No doubt a personal close friend of yours. Let me finish.

Damn you.

Spin the wheel.

Hold the work, Lugnut.

Gee,

that's got to hurt.

Okay, shut up already!

Huh, the quest.

What a fitting, fine topic.

Tell me, immortal, what do you live for?

More than anything else in the world.

Is it the indelible, pain -filled memory of your long -dead wife? The missing

child you continue to search for?

Or is it some perverse vision of yourself as a modern -day hero?

Or is it simply because you have no choice?

That you're condemned to an endless, lonely, futile life roaming this

godforsaken globe, searching forever, searching, fearing to get too close

to those who will eventually find a final resting place?

Just answer the question, mortal.

Answer the question or she dies.

Finish you in a minute.

What is your quest, Thurston?

I'm not sure.

Just answer the question.

Why do you live?

What makes you go on?

To cause pain and suffering. To serve darkness and evil. Isn't that enough?

And who do you love?

Myself.

Is that your final answer?

Sorry. You lose.

I had no idea you were such a trivia buff.

Well, it's not really trivia to me. I was there, remember?

Right. Still that last question Thurston asked you about your quest.

Oh, demon scare tactic.

That's all.

Right. Still.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

But this is the guy you should really thank. Hey, did a great job, little

Do you mind? I'm in the middle of something here.

Oh, what are you watching?

Reruns of Barbie College Temp?

Sorry.

Goody, you're my hero.

No matter what anybody else says, you're a brave soul.

Who said what?

I'll rip him apart. Who said it? Easy there, tiger.

Nobody messes with good ones.

Right, right.

I hope he doesn't get what they've done, though.

I wouldn't worry about it too much.

He's watching Bambi.