Original subtitles

He therefore commit his body to the ground, earth to earth, ashes to ashes,

to dust. He store and serve the hope of the resurrection to eternal life through

our Lord Jesus Christ.

Amen.

Who's that man?

I never saw him before.

You know him?

No, must be local.

Quite satisfied, Mr. Benson.

Absolutely. You've handled everything splendidly. Splendid.

Words can't express... No, we don't take testimonials.

I'm delighted.

It all went like clockwork. And this is farewell.

Thank you once more.

Thank you, Doctor.

Thank you, Mr. Benson.

Ah.

One last word. I know.

Utter secrecy.

You needn't worry.

I'm glad. You see, the contracts won't be destroyed for three months. Gives us

move of cover.

Goodbye.

There's another sucker loose on the world. He won't be able to spend the

fast enough.

Let's watch his blood pressure. It's high for a young man.

You want a drink?

Why not?

Well, it's only national health.

Four -star Napoleon.

Well, here's to instant death.

What's the matter?

Well, the Hippocratic Oath, the life so short, the craft so long to learn.

Well, the strength of the short life.

Oh, I see you took my advice.

They do a good smoke, these people.

Should do a 12 and 6 a throw.

Roy? Yeah?

I've been thinking.

We've completed nine cases. We've done very well for ourselves.

Very well indeed.

I think we should call it a day.

You do?

Yes. Get out while you can.

The more you have, the more you want.

What you mean, Doctor, is that the rolls on the meter outside is paid for.

There's a hefty balance in the bank, and you'd rather be in Scotland Salmon.

Yes, I mean like that. A lot like it. When I came to you with my scheme, the

shingle outside your door was a lot tattier than it is today. Well, that was

only a temporary... Oh, come on, Doctor, don't let's fool ourselves.

Another year and you'd have been finished in London. Never.

I spent three months looking for the right man.

A doctor whose plight was greater than his professional honour. I found you.

Yes, but it's almost impossible to keep up to date. I mean to say, I've tried.

I've read articles.

It's not the same. As you say, we've done quite nicely. Well, Doctor, I'm not

ready to quit.

Perhaps my ambitions have more appetite than yours. But we've had enough to live

in luxury for the rest of our lives.

Still, another 20 ,000 a year shouldn't be so...

Unacceptable.

Is there another client?

There is.

Male or female?

An aspiring widow, age 43, but looks a lot younger.

So what's the matter now?

Carada Marble. It was presented to me by the hospital in Glasgow for services to

medicine.

Name, Turner.

Husband's age, 48.

Name's Arthur George William.

Just a minute, if you mind. Not quite as fast as that. Name, Turner.

Husband's age, 48.

Name's Arthur George William.

Address, the Grove's Hemel Hempley.

Oh, go away.

Fire. What?

Where?

What do you want?

A chat?

Oh, any party?

An evening with the YWCA.

Us. Oh, sit down if you can.

And what can I do for you, Spock? I came to talk to you about your father.

Too late, my friend. He's dead.

That's just what I want to talk about.

Who are you?

A friend of the family.

I remember seeing you at the funeral.

Wasn't it cold?

You don't have a match, do you? Sorry?

Keep talking. I'm with you. What did he die of?

Heart. Coronary. How did he come to be buried in Cornwall?

My mother was Cornish.

Sounds schmaltzy, I know, but it was there in the will.

There's sentiment in all of this, you see.

Ah, that's better.

The world's too harsh, lest you see it through tobacco's mouth. Have you been

ill for long?

Oh, off and on. Ever since you retired.

Used to be in, uh, what do you call it?

Security executive. I can see you don't believe in a long morning.

No, I don't.

It's a nice game.

When do I get a turn with the... Help yourself.

Help yourself. Who are you? What are you doing here?

What's the point of it? My name is Steed. I came to see you, and I'm

in your father's death.

Professionally or personally?

That depends.

Well done.

On your answers.

What's your interest?

I used to work there. So?

Well, you and a few scrapes together, Berlin, one or two other places. Ah,

going to be another war story.

No, it isn't, no.

How much? How much do you want?

Not to worry, it's one of ours.

What is it? The old comrade's fund?

Bed socks for the veterans?

Your father gave me a letter.

What did it say? I haven't opened it yet. Why not?

It was only to be opened unless he died a violent or a sudden death.

Why, he'd give it to you.

I told you. We were in a few scrapes together.

This was no violent death.

He was in his own bed. And it was sudden.

No.

No, as a matter of fact, it's a marvel the old boy lasted as long as he did.

Well, everyone knew he was going home. Everyone. The doctor.

Well, he even knew himself.

He was punch drunk with coronaries.

He must have had a heart like a bull.

He was strong.

Well, you know that. It took a lot to kill him.

That old man was tough.

He was only 64.

I served with him and I'm not Methuselah.

Well, it wasn't sudden.

Should have seen the doctor's bills.

Put them end to end and the maze we went through. The tombs of them. Who nursed

him? At the end.

I did.

That's why I had this blind.

Hangs over you, doesn't it, Beth?

The machinery of it.

Throwing out the medicine bottles and the boxes of pills.

Pajamas. Ah, sick.

Oh, Mr.

Steed.

What about this letter?

What about it?

What will you do?

I'll call the bank.

Yes.

And I'll tell them to destroy it. After all, we don't want to upset you anymore,

do we?

No. No, I don't want to see it.

Destroy it. That's good enough for me.

I think you can get something back in the empties.

Thanks.

Keep talking, I'm with you.

What did he die of?

Heart, coronary.

Why was he buried in Cornwall?

My mother was Cornish. It sounds schmaltzy, I know, but it was there in

will. A sentiment in all of us, you see.

Young Benson's father had no more affection for his wife than I have for

Jolly Dick Jawsnapper there.

How do you know?

He booked her everywhere in dicey airlines.

He used to permutate for the next air disaster.

Happy family.

If there was fog in the air, Mrs. Benson was in the air.

Then there's no truth in his story.

Not that part of it.

Well, there's no sentiment in security.

That I know.

Where were you carrying this?

In my pocket. I had the microphone lead led up to my scarf.

Well, your old boss has come to a sudden end. I don't see if there's anything

you can do about it. Oh, I'm not too sure of it. Young Benson looked pretty

when I left him. Oh, thank you for the cream.

I take it the Swiss cherry jam.

Thin brown bread and Indian tea.

And at about a quarter past four... Do you?

I like it for breakfast.

Wait, Diana.

Joey, a king penguin, a dead in Brazil, spent 56 days trying to incubate a

current farm.

I'm sorry.

Oh, really?

Notice of a funeral service at Tinby. That's the place you went to? Uh -huh.

2 p .m., funeral service, Church of St. Auburn, Tinby. No flowers.

And the same again.

And the same again. All within the past three months.

But people do die.

But Tinby is a ghost village.

You mean nobody lives there?

I'd use a supporter.

A tin mine.

A tin mine went out of action eight years ago and all the villages have

Bodmin. Must have a strong attraction for corpses.

So strong that people die in London and are transported off to Cornwall.

Why?

He quizzed me, up one side and down the other. Well, don't worry.

It's easy for you to say that. It wasn't you he was talking to. He's probably

nosy. That's one version.

What if he were on business?

Whose business? Anyway, it doesn't matter. You've got nothing to bother

And if they exhume the body? They won't. If they do? They'll find nothing. But

I've written a paper somewhere... It doesn't matter what you read. They'll

nothing. Now, forget all about it and go home. Now, don't give me the brush off.

This cost me a packet of money. You got what you wanted, didn't you? Now, go on.

Off you go. I didn't want the law breathing down my neck.

No sense in being the richest man in prison. You won't be. We're specialists

this field.

Remember one thing, Doctor.

The medical council wouldn't approve.

Yes, but while we're reminding ourselves of the obvious, don't forget we have a

contract signed by you.

I wouldn't do anything rash.

Morning.

Morning. A tourist in Tinby this time of year? Surely not.

No, it's a job of work.

Vicar?

Wiper. Adrian Wiper. How do you do? How do you do? Job of work? Yes, I'm writing

an article for an American magazine on the English country churchyard. You

mind, do you? My dear lady, of course not. Which my brother Julian, you should

see, he wrote a paper on it. What do you call it? A thesis.

When we were up at Oxford, I rode behind him in the vast gate.

Fine oarsman, Julian.

Where do I find him? Ah, where indeed?

Somewhere up the Congo.

Missionary. Stranger in a strange land.

Yes, I know the feeling.

You don't know Cornwall? Not well, no.

Where are you staying?

The White Bear.

Oh, good choice. Capital.

Have you been up to the minstrels' gallery?

Not yet.

Oh, you must.

And you must try their ale.

Rude on the premises.

Wine is a mocker.

Oh, moderation in all things.

Total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.

Oh, I don't know that one.

No, you've got me there.

St. Augustine. Oh, yes, of course.

Multiquidem Facilius, etc.

I shouldn't worry with these new stones. It's the old ones that have all the

character. These are only piece, perfect piece, linted into rest.

Very, uh, unimaginative.

There used to be one in Penryn.

Now, how did it go?

Here lies, returned to play, Miss Arabella Young.

who, upon the 1st of May, began to hold her tongue.

Great sense of humour, your Cornishman.

Yes.

Is there anything particular and personal to your own graveyard?

Oh, yes, there's something you can mention. Just here by the lich gate,

used to be a mandrake root.

Mandrake? Mandrake are a drug? Yes, that's right. Mysterious plants, no end

properties. It was supposed to shriek if you touched it. And pull it up, and it

groaned like a dying man. Should be good for a paragraph.

Yes, we've got an awful lot of deadly nightshade.

Must be something to do with the soil.

Have you been as far as the lizard?

Not yet. Nice little story for you. When they built the first lighthouse in

1619, all the locals were up in arms.

Said they'd lost God's grace.

What do they mean by that?

They're pickings from the ships that would have been wrecked on the cliffs.

God's grace indeed.

That's grim.

Very. Come, let me show you the church. I haven't done my grand tour for years.

Yes, I'd love to see it. Perhaps I might even be able to sell you an illustrated

history.

Proceeds to Congo relief.

Yes, there's been a wiper here ever since Queen Anne.

I lost two brothers in the Great War.

Lost a lot of fine men.

Senseless carnage.

Freddie was chaplain at Passchendaele. He knew Woodbine Willie.

Did he? Alan died with the Canadians at Vimy Ridge.

Vicar? Yes, my dear. Who's buried here now? I mean, now that the village is

gone. Oh, not many, you know. Just a few who were born in Tinby.

They'd like to be brought back.

Really, then?

It's only locals?

Oh, no. We do get the odds sold from places like London.

Seems a long way to come.

It's a long journey.

Quite. But it must be very expensive.

Oh, I don't know. It's probably cheaper to be buried in the country.

I haven't been into the economics of it.

I look at it like this.

If you lived in a city all your life, all that noise and bustle, you've earned

little piece, perfect piece.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

Hello. Who's this?

I say, we're getting quite congested.

Why, Hopkins, my dear fellow, how nice to see you. How are you? Fine, fine,

Vicar. I'd like you to meet Mrs. Turner.

How do you do? How do you do?

This is... Oh, my dear, I'm so sorry, I don't know your name. Mrs. Gale. Mrs.

Gale. Mrs. Gale, Mrs... Turner.

Turner, Mr. Hopkins. How do you do?

Will you excuse me, Vicar? I've got work to do and the sun's very precious. Why,

yes, of course. Excuse me.

Bit of a writer.

St. Augustine. I won't forget.

Oh, right.

Nice girl.

Vicar, I want you to see if there's anything you can do for Mrs. Turner.

Well, I'd be delighted.

Mrs. Turner is arriving at the end of a long and comfortless journey.

Oh? It's my husband, Vicar.

He's dying.

Oh, I'm so sorry. It could literally happen any minute. This is the first

Mrs. Turner has left his side for a week. Ah, a virtuous woman is a crown to

husband. Her price is far above rubies. When it happens, when, she'd like him to

be interred at Tinder.

Yes, of course.

He is a man of the country.

In spirit.

Yes, in spirit.

Oh, well, excuse me a moment.

Font of his garden, wasn't it?

Of course, you can't say exactly when it'll be. No. I'd say Saturday.

Then or thereabouts.

Oh, dear.

Well, we'll step outside in a moment. I do have one very beautiful plot just by

the west wall. Very sheltered. Gets the noon sun in winter.

The first crocuses come up there.

I had thought of it for Julian, my brother.

Oh, it sounds perfect.

Well, I'll just take some particulars.

A bit late to take their pictures, isn't it?

Depends what for.

What was she doing?

Taking photos of them headstones.

Can't be bad. Can it be?

Well, shine your spade up. We're in business.

So soon?

The vicar will tell you about it. You've got the number. Ring me if anything

happens. Trust me, guv.

So, couldn't be me some dread eels or something.

Savalois. It's his local grub. It's killing me.

If he comes snooping round again, we might have to take steps.

Make it a double booking.

Now, Mrs. Turner, we'd like to recap on a few of the more personal questions.

Any idea as to the present size of your husband's estate?

About 200 ,000.

Net?

Mm -hmm.

Any other living relative besides yourself?

I've checked. One sister.

A sister? She lives in Perth. Perth in Scotland?

Perth, Western Australia.

Ah. And she's bedridden.

Arthritis. Nice to complain.

What about clothes, friend?

We don't have any. Think carefully now.

I don't need to. My husband didn't make friends or influence people. He just

made money.

Any other beneficiaries in the will?

No.

Insurance? He always said his business was his insurance.

Now, most important of all, when did he last see a doctor?

About 1950.

He had his appendix on. You sure he hasn't seen one since?

He's an apple a day man, a throwback to Adam.

Without any of Adam's more interesting characteristics.

He's not on any doctor's panel.

No, the appendix business was before we moved. Is he the member of a club?

No. You understand we have to be very careful.

Of course.

Doctor? I'm happy if you are.

Well, I think we can help you, Mrs. Turner, if you still want to go ahead.

Thank you.

You realize, of course, you'll have to do exactly as we say. Your neck may

depend upon it. I know.

It'd be a shame for those pearls to lose such a nice home.

Wouldn't it? Now, first, sort it, detail money. We'd like a check.

Now? Would you like to sit here, Mrs. Turner?

Who do I make it out to?

Mandrake Investments, 5 ,000 pounds. The other half is due after the ceremony.

You don't stint yourselves.

It's a very exclusive service.

Did Wiper find a suitable plot? Most accommodating, that man.

Sheltered position, gets the noon sun.

We're saving it for his brother, Julian. That's awfully good.

Thank you.

Now, what happens?

No color, no taste, no smell. Three in one. The instructions are on the bottle,

which we want back.

Take precaution.

How long does it take?

30 minutes to an hour.

Seldom more than 30 minutes.

How much do I use? All of it. It's a fatal dose.

And what are the symptoms?

Intense thirst, stomach cramp, vomiting.

But it'll all be over very quickly.

A feeble, irregular, pulse, cold... Doctor, this is not a medical lecture.

when it starts, I call for you.

Correct. I shall do everything that I can. But alas, you'll be too late.

From then on, everything goes like clockwork.

Very well.

Goodbye, Mr. Hopkins. Goodbye, Mrs. Donoghue. Thank you, Doctor.

Not at all.

Uh, going cropping today?

Yes, I thought I might.

I'd like.

I'll think about it.

Well, perhaps this may be the last one after all. I wouldn't bank on it.

She'll see through you soon enough.

Now you stick to medicine, Doctor.

for a still life.

Yes, I took it at a two -fiftieth at 5 .6.

Fairly well, each to his own exposure.

Don't do that.

Why not? I feel like a projectionist.

Oh, Montgomery always did it.

So?

They do a rattling good trade down there, eh? Not bad for a ghost village.

But wasting your time, General.

Why? There aren't any more.

Oh, house lights.

Well, how many were there?

Oh, the eleven you... Ah, nine are in who's who, and seven of them left

of over a hundred thousand pounds. But the majority of them are rich and

reasonably eminent.

At some stage of their lives.

Can you find out who were their doctors?

Which I knew.

Who was, um, young Benson's doctor?

That's next on the agenda.

Young Benson, he dealt with it off to McCombie. How do you know?

I had him followed. He went off like a shark.

Does he know you're on to him? He will when I'm ready.

Odd, though, wasn't it, about that Cockney gravedigger? Was it obviously a

recent import?

Oh, did you find out about that man I met down there? Roy Hopkins?

Was his car registration a London one?

Yep. There are only two Roy Hopkins in the phone book. One is an accountant and

the other runs a cracker factory.

don't bother.

Oh, my. Sis, my goodness.

Well, the customer's always right, thank you.

No, no, you keep your flag on the summit.

I'll follow up with the ponies, I mean.

Did I hurt you? No, no, it's only a flesh wound. Come on, confidence.

Only a few. Oh, it's no use.

I've got till next Christmas to clear them up anyway.

I'm delighted to hear it. How do you do? How do you do?

Yeah, I think it's my turn to insist now.

Really? Yeah.

Ham and cheese and tomato.

Wow. Mustard? Of course.

French? Was there any other?

Enchante, mademoiselle.

Can I help you?

Mr. Hopkins in?

No, he's lunching with some Japanese businessmen.

They make the goodies that go in the crackers.

Oh, the little master's a miniature.

Hey, what have you got in season, eh?

Here.

For piping the puddings aboard.

Hey, careful.

Oh, very good on an X -ray plate.

Yeah, well, we don't want them into the very young. I sure don't. The

Chancellor's balloon prevents inflation.

Look, I really want to order three dozen boxes of crackers for an old folks'

anniversary. Oh, hey, they mustn't crack too loud.

Of course not. We have the most discreet crackers in the business.

Try this for size.

Strength C.

D is softer.

Oh, dear.

Let's see if I can try a B. Yes.

Allow me, madame.

Oh, thank you.

Ah.

What's up?

Ah, that looks bad.

Oh, marvellous.

That's very good indeed.

It'll do really fine. The old folks will love that. I'll have three dozen boxes.

Right.

Has Hopkins got an office around here?

Uh, yeah.

First floor.

Are you around all the time?

Oh, some of the time. He's not exactly wed into the business.

No? No. He inherited it. His uncle died last year.

Where is that?

Cornwall. What a fatal part of the country.

Of course, he'd sell up tomorrow if he could.

Why doesn't he?

LSD. What the banks don't own, his partner does.

Oh, doesn't the business do too well?

It's a very short season.

Mr. and Mrs. Public just aren't cracker -minded.

Oh, Christmas, the odd kiddies party, fine, but they're not on the weekly

shopping list.

I mean, they're not going to replace vitamin C. You can live without them,

you? There you are. What's he like?

Hopkins. Oh, a fat, decadent, bourgeois capitalist exploiting the proletarian

masses. Really?

No, actually, he's rather nice.

Who shall I make the invoice out to?

The Twilight Home Camberley.

I'll come and collect them.

Anything else?

My goodness me, you sure took me by surprise.

Aren't they lovely? Thank you.

Hey, don't believe all you read in the motto.

No, I won't. Oops, I'm terribly sorry, Your Honour.

Who was that?

What do you want?

Crackers, what else?

Seen them before somewhere.

Send me a pot of tea, will you, darling?

All that Japanese rice wine.

Eight of them treated by the same Dr.

McComb. Going to the dentist to fit?

It's fantastic.

Oh, he's a busy man, but he's very happy to fit you in, Mrs. Gale.

In best pine, six foot by two foot, silk line.

Hey, what's the matter wrong with you?

Well, what would you like?

Well, I can offer him any amount of bruising.

That's all that vigorous company you keep.

How about a slipped disc?

He is a doctor, Steve.

Hmm?

Well, it's a pretty treacherous area.

No, probe around, scare him, see if he drops his thermometer.

What if he prescribes a trip to Cornwall his style?

Say, you don't feel quite up to it.

Matter of fact, I booked you on the 7 .40, arriving midnight.

When?

Tonight.

There's an enlarged lymph gland and the spleen's puffy.

Yes.

Well, I'd like to bring her to the clinic.

All right, but I'll call you back.

Would you send me the next patient, please?

Thank you, ma 'am.

Would you come in, please? Sit down.

We'll be with you in a moment.

What a very unusual surgery.

I wouldn't have thought a practice in this area would be so useful.

You'd be surprised.

Would you like to sit down? Thank you.

Ah, now.

Mrs. Cairn, isn't it? Yes.

It was kind of you to see me at such short notice, Doctor.

Not at all.

Now, now, what's the trouble?

I've got a bad eye.

How did you do it?

I was hit with a hockey stick.

Oh?

When was this?

Yesterday.

Is it swollen?

No, but it's very sore.

Did it water a lot?

Mm, ever since.

Right.

Well, perhaps you'd like to get on that couch, would you, please, Mrs. Gale?

I'll take a look at it.

That's it. Make yourself comfortable.

Put your head well back, will you?

There we are. You can't be too careful with these things.

The eye is not the delicate instrument people imagine.

On the other hand, it doesn't take much to detach the retina.

Hmm.

Well, this seems to be all right, Mrs. Gale. I think you're lucky.

Good. Perhaps it would be a good idea to keep your dark glasses on for a few

days. Yes, I will.

Well, do you live in London?

No, my home's in Cornwall.

I have a cottage just outside a little village. I don't suppose you'd know it.

Whereabouts? Tinby.

No, I don't know the area very well.

I'll get you some drops.

And if you have any further trouble, don't hesitate to go to your own doctor.

No, I won't. Thank you. I'll keep you.

Morning, my rockery.

Yes. What a lovely Montserrat, sir. Yes, it is.

Now... Don't use these like an ordinary eye drop. They're a wee bit stronger.

And you'll find a dropper in the cap.

Thank you very much, Doctor.

Have you got your car here? Yes, yes, I have. Good.

Tell me, Mrs. Gale, how did you come to choose me out of all the doctors in

London? I know a patient of yours. Oh, who's that?

John Benson.

Oh, yes, yes, I know him.

Well, good day to you, Mrs. Gale. Goodbye, Doctor. Thanks.

Now pull yourself together. Of course we're not backing out.

She'll go through with it as planned, and so will you, understand?

We say we'll deliver, we'll deliver.

Bye.

Problems? Business.

What else is it but headaches and problems?

Problems? Yes, you show me.

Oh, uh, that man didn't come back again, did he?

Man? What man? Your friend in the fancy waistcoat the other afternoon.

Oh, him? No, he hasn't.

He does.

Tell me.

Bye.

Mrs. Gale, I think you owe me an explanation.

Oh, come on. Well,

maybe just a bubble or two.

Tell me, do all your clients qualify for champagne lunches and auctions?

Oh, shame on you. What do you think this is, a PR dude chatting the client up?

Sorry.

I'll forgive you.

Just.

It's been a long time since I lunched in the West End.

Promise me something, Roy. What? You won't add up the bill.

If they want to overcharge you for the Brussels, let them. He used to do that.

Oh, practically a ritual.

We should be careful.

We will be.

Afraid of being recognized?

Lunching with a prominent cracker manufacturer.

Anything's possible.

Oh, my chauffeur is discreet.

I wink with the right eye, that means straight home. And a wink with the left

means through the park. And if it takes less than 40 minutes, you're fired.

And which eye is it to be today? Well, seeing as Nelson was my uncle, I'll let

you do the winking.

Have you decided when it's time?

Yes. Soon?

Tonight.

Good.

Well, let's drink to that.

No, I'd rather not.

Let's go, Ray.

Relax, Steve.

You won't feel nothing.

Lord, Lord, methought what pain it was to drown.

What dreadful noise of water in mine ears. What sights of ugly death within

eyes.

Methought I saw a thousand fearful wrecks. A thousand men that fishes

upon.

Wedges of gold. I would speak with Clarence and can't hit her on my legs.

That's the first murderer.

How'd you get in?

It's not. I mean, it doesn't open. Well, it should be. It's early closing. I

know it says close. I grant you that.

So now you know.

I'm a would -be actress.

Yeah, I think I got that far.

Waiting in the wings. What for?

Parts for women.

Eh? Well, could you see Mrs.

Siddons or Sarah Bernhardt riding a motorcycle or scratching themselves?

Must be something for a pretty girl like you. Yeah, working in cracker

factories. Why don't you let Mr. Hopkins hear you? No, he wouldn't mind.

According to him, the firm's losing a fortune anyway.

Well, he obviously doesn't come from a poor home, drives a fast car, eats in

swanky restaurants.

Hey, you've been spying, haven't you? Guilty.

Hopkins said he recognized you.

Oh, where from?

Couldn't remember.

Well, good for him.

So, what's your interest?

On for a new?

Strictly. Well, I have a little capital to invest. I thought this might be a

cushy little billet. Oh, this isn't it, believe me. I do.

Of course, he has another string to his bow. Uh, Mandrake Investments.

That's what keeps him in clover. Oh, you know anything about it?

Harsher than hush.

I sent you crackers off.

Strength be.

Of course.

Well, those poor odal tears are all right. I haven't read anything about it

the paper.

There's my check.

Thanks. Hang on, I'll give you a receipt.

Where is he today?

Lunch.

Look. Is it Japanese?

No. In fact, his lady friend came to call for him. A Mrs. Turner.

Loaded. And cocked.

If he's out for another day, why don't you call me?

Why? Why should I?

We have lunch. I owe you for the sandwich.

No. I know a place in Soho.

Soft music, muted corks popping, gentle zephyrs wafting garlic from the kitchen.

I don't like garlic.

And some of the best -known theatre producers eat there.

Well, I don't actively dislike it. Here's my card.

It's a date.

Mr. Steve, you're on.

Where's McCombie? He'll be here, don't worry. How did it go?

Went. What happened?

I gave him the stuff, left him. When I came back, he was dead.

Easy, isn't it?

I'll tell you the answer to that when we've buried him.

You scared?

Are you kidding?

Relax, Eve.

It's all yours now.

That's right.

Sorry I'm late.

Little chap went down with flu, one thing after another. I only wanted to

that everything had gone smoothly. See you at the funeral.

Well, I've made out the certificate, Mrs. Turner.

And what did he die from? Chronic gastric guitar with colitis.

I've also invented a medical history for the patient.

Where are we now? Last saw him three years ago, 1961,

ancient flu.

Pluracy last year, and now, gastric guitar.

There's only one thing I don't understand.

What's that?

Why not cremate?

It would seem far safer.

Yes, I know it seems safer, but you see, it isn't. You see, it takes two doctors

to sign the certificate.

This way it's far simpler.

Much less fuss.

Mr. Turner never liked fuss.

Come out and drink your coffee before it gets cold. It's silly to waste it.

What do you want?

Just another chat.

Why, they're still with us.

Been having me followed.

Have I?

Thought you had me last time, didn't you? Did I? All that talk about the

There was no letter. Who told you that, McCombie?

How do you know about him? How do you?

He was father's doctor.

You know what this is?

No. It's a medical history sheet.

And it lists all the treatment that Dr. McCombie ever gave your father.

What about it?

Well, when you sign a death certificate, you normally know your patient.

This goes back to 1956.

I'd call that knowing him. July the 8th, 1956, he prescribed a gluten -free diet

and some blood tests.

So it says.

On July the 8th, your father was in Beirut arresting a man called Malik.

How do you know? Because I was with him and he wasn't on a diet.

What do you want?

How did you meet McCombie, and who put you onto it?

Was it Hopkins?

He's a member of the same club.

Club? So that's how he operates, eh?

Belongs to about every club in London.

Knows everything about every member.

Did you know a good solicitor?

I expect so.

You better get in touch with him.

You're going to need him.

Be kindly light amid the inserting gloom.

Ah, Mrs. Gale, you're back.

Yes, as I promised.

You were up to luck this morning. I missed you. I've been into Godman and

out more than I expected.

Well, I hope now you'll be able to give me a convincing explanation.

This is the analyst's report on the soil I took from the graveyard. What does it

show? The earth is heavily impregnated with arsenic. Over 200 parts per

Well, arsenic doesn't surprise me.

Why not?

Where there's tin, there's usually arsenic.

Of course.

The mine was only a quarter of a mile up the road.

Well, that's the attraction your cemetery has, Victor.

Attraction? After a body's been buried for more than, say, two months, it would

be heavily impregnated with arsenic.

So it would be pointless to exhume it.

But who'd want to?

The Home Office.

The Home Office?

Well, if they thought that somebody'd been murdered, yes.

Murdered how?

Arsenic. But who'd do such a thing?

Your friends Hopkins and McCombie.

Do you mean to say that all those bodies I buried recently were victims of

murder?

Yes. I'm afraid so.

But this is terrible.

We must call the police immediately.

No, we must wait.

We've got to have proof.

Mrs. Gale, we can't wait for another murder to be.

Why too late, Vicar?

Oh, what a horrible scare.

How did you get involved?

Involved? You don't think that I was involved.

Well, then, how did it come about?

Well, I first met Hopkins when his uncle died over at Codes Green. I buried him.

Here? Yes, just by the west wall. Nice plot.

They were local people, so it's very likely that Hopkins could have known

the arsenic in the soil.

And told the doctor he was working with. It can't be true.

It never occurred to me.

They seemed such nice fellows.

I must write to the bishop.

Vicar?

What were you getting out of it?

Oh, just a few guineas for Congo relief.

Good heavens.

Congo children educated on blood money.

This is an evil business, Mrs. Gale. How are we going to stop them?

Well, we've always got your pistol. Oh, that.

I found it in my cassock last night.

I confiscated it at choir practice in Bodmin.

Thank thee, I thought I'd missed you.

Another minute, you would have done. I'm sorry I didn't get your message.

That's all right. You've odd hours, don't you? It's an odd business. Now,

do you want?

Tomorrow is D -Day.

Eh?

Hopkins is out of town.

Tomorrow? Thought I'd exercise my options.

Garlic, theatre producer, remember?

I'm terribly sorry. Look, Julie, I can't make tomorrow.

Oh.

It's not that I'm trying to back out. It's just that I have to go out of town.

Yeah. How about next week?

Well, it depends on Mr. Hopkins.

But he has cracker in the shop. How about Monday?

Come on.

£200 ,000, isn't it?

About that.

What next?

Some winter sunshine.

Canaries? Nassau. Very nice.

I've earned it 14 years with him.

Still, it's over 10 ,000 pounds a year, darling.

Anyway, you married him.

Well, now, there weren't so many alternatives.

When I married the late Mr.

Turner, I had a few shillings in my purse, a pair of holy dance pumps, and

years' experience in the chorus.

Plus the firm conviction that any striptease I did would be strictly for

audience of one.

Well, you have another audience now.

I'm retiring from the business.

Yes, but only temporarily.

I don't think so.

This all sounds very final. It is. What do you mean, Eve?

As far as I'm concerned, Mr. Hopkins, you're just another tradesman.

Now look, Mrs. Turner. I've traded with you, Mr. Hopkins. End of story.

And I go back below the stairs. Isn't that what they call it?

Where you go, sweetheart.

It's strictly up to you.

They're almost ready, Mrs. Turner.

And the vicar would like a word with you.

We therefore commit the body to the ground, earth to earth, ashes to ashes,

to dust, ensure in certain hopes...

The resurrection of eternal life to our Lord Jesus Christ.

Amen.

Good

morning,

Mr. Hopkins.

Good morning, Doctor.

Good morning.

Fine day for funeral?

Did you want something?

Yes, I want to see you.

Look here, if we're going to catch that train, I think we'd better be off. This

is rather an inopportune time. This lady has just been through the ordeal of

burying her husband.

Who was poisoned, along with Benson and a good few others. What are you talking

about? Murder.

Absolute nonsense. Now, would you mind letting us pass? This is hardly the time

for jokes. I'm very glad you agree. Even if your allegations were true, you

could never prove it. Why not? Because the ground here... Quiet!

Arguing one, Mr. Turner, God rest his soul, lies in his grave. He doesn't.

What do you mean?

He isn't in his grave.

He's in the mortuary.

Post -mortem an hour ago.

Result, acute arsenic poisoning.

You fool. You want to come? I don't believe a word of it. All you buried

four sacks full of sand.

A fine return for my money. Ten thousand pounds.

Scott. Scott! Come on, Mander. Just stand there.

Take him away.

The police are with the vicar at the vestry door.

Follow, Mrs. Gow. See you later.

How much?

A hundred pounds on Queen's evidence.

Oh, you could have got him for fifty.

What about me?

That's all right, my dear.

Plenty of room. It's a big car.

It's a fair idea.

Of course. They planned it.

Naturally. They even gave me the poison.

All you had to do was administer it.

Hopkins and I can understand, but what's been wrong with McCombie? New

techniques, better qualified men.

He just couldn't keep up.

Hey, neither can I. What's the hurry?

I'm hungry.

Hey, do you know what I'd settle for right now?

Now what? Some of your brown bread, cherry jam and Cornish cream. Oh.

At 11 .15 in the morning?

Told you I always had it for breakfast.