Original subtitles

There's nothing that can hold me when I hold you.

It's all right. It can't be wrong.

Rockin' and rollin'. Oh, no.

Sunday, Monday, happy days.

Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days.

Thursday, Friday, happy days.

Saturday, what a day.

Roomin' all week with you.

These days are ours.

Marion, what is wrong with you? You know, you've been doing kind of crazy

lately. I mean, one week you're studying conversational Hungarian and the next

you're making wine in the bathtub.

But I sold two bottles.

Well, isn't it enough just being a housewife?

Well, I'm just trying to find things to do. Richie's gone and Laurie Beth is

gone and little Richie's gone and Joni's gone. And the furniture's gone.

But I'm still here, sweetheart.

Oh, I mean, you're plenty, dear. You really are. You're just plenty.

But, listen, I can't talk now because I'm late for work. Oh, can't Fonzie do

without you for one night? Oh, no, he really needs me down there at Arnold's

because the kitchen is just a mess.

And the bathrooms, well, I just don't even want to talk about it. Marion,

not getting paid to clean.

Oh, I'm not getting paid at all, Howard. I'm just doing it to keep busy. Oh, now

look, look, sweetheart.

The kids are now out of the house and you should be able to enjoy yourself.

We can do anything we want because...

We could watch TV naked.

Oh, Howard, not that again.

Now, come on, Marion. You're always running away somewhere.

Now, there's nothing I'd rather do than to stay home and spend a nice quiet

evening with my beautiful wife, sitting on Flash Gordon's furniture, and

enjoying our wonderful life together.

Now, come on. Call Fonzie and tell him you can't make it.

All right, Howard. I'll call Arthur.

Oh, good.

Hope he doesn't want his money back for the wine.

Warm up the TV.

Whenever I'm with him.

Fonzie?

Hey!

Yo.

Who says a man's gotta die to see an angel?

Oh, Fonzie. You ready to go? I'm so excited. I can't believe we're finally

see My Fair Lady. Well, don't rush. Don't rush. You know, that's what people

They rush here, they rush there, they come and let go and they don't even know

where they've been. Yeah, but if we don't rush, we're gonna miss the

We'll play the album.

Let's not be a prisoner of time.

Let us seize the moment to be free, huh?

I need romance in this spot now.

What's a show? Just ordinary people like you and me, except the guys wear makeup

too.

Ashley, Fonz, I don't know how I'm going to ever thank you. I was planning on

spending the night tonight at my house trying to break my push -up record, and

then, bam, the phone rang, and next thing I know, you wanted me to have your

ticket to see my fair lady. I can't wait to see you, Rex Harrison.

Fonzie! Roger.

Oops.

is a broad term.

I mean, not going to see the play tonight is a lot different than not

see the play Thursday.

So let us have a fun time right here in Arnold's. Thursday, we'll go and see a

lot of men wearing makeup.

Oh, I'm sorry. I guess you haven't heard. Tonight is Rex Harrison's last

performance. He's going to be replaced by Danny Thomas.

Thank you.

Listen, Fonz, I promise I won't enjoy the show. In fact, I'll see to it that

date doesn't either.

You didn't really want to see the plague, did you? No.

I love Danny Tomlin.

Oh, you're mad at me.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, listen, I don't blame you.

I don't blame you. It's just that Mrs. C backed out. I didn't know what else to

do. We should have called.

Fonzie, if we're going to have a real relationship, you have to be honest with

me. You're right. I should have called. It's just that I wanted to see you so

much.

You know what I shouldn't have done? I shouldn't have let Aldo Vecchio cross

state line. I am a mechanic, not a restauranteur. Tour. Tour.

It's just that my life is a jigsaw puzzle. I got too many pieces.

I don't know what to do. What am I supposed to do?

I'll tell you something.

This will never happen again, Anthony.

I'm going to start this puzzle.

You know...

After you get used to it, the wine's really not that bad.

So what do we do now, Howard?

Well, now we talk, Marion. We exchange ideas.

We engage in the lively art of conversation.

Oh, this is silly, Marion.

I mean, we've been married for 28 years.

There must be a whole world of things to talk about. Oh, Howard, our lives are

empty and meaningless.

Look, we did a good job raising our kids, and now we should reap the

I have decided, I had a brainstorm, to sell Arnold.

Got new furniture, huh?

Can I run away from home?

I'm not gonna stay where I'm not wanted. I'm running away from home. He's

running away, Dad.

You gonna let me go?

Yeah, good luck, son.

And don't forget to ride.

Eddie has been gone for over an hour and there's no sign of him. Ward Cleaver,

you never should have let him go out that door in the first place.

I just don't understand what went wrong with my child's psychology.

It always worked on Leave it to Beaver. I'm sorry I ran away.

There's no place like TV Land.

I don't have any.

Can't find new Ritz chips?

Guess they're even more popular than we thought. We're making them as fast as we

can. I love to run, and it's not a problem. The hair goes with me when I

I would always wear a hat, even in the pool.

My tennis game has improved.

I don't know, it just feels like I'm always acing the guy.

Hello, I'm Dr. John Parker.

Hair loss is an all -too -common problem, but finally there's good news.

The Parker solution to hair loss?

No. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO.

GEICO. 15 minutes could save you 15 % or more on car insurance.

In Italian cooking, everything must be filled with happiness.

Even the lasagna. So Olive Garden introduces three meat or delicious

portobello mushroom lasagna starting at $9 .95.

Olive Garden. When you're here, you're family.

Oreo. We're not going to let him get away with this. Are you with me?

Yes!

We're going to tell the Fonz what we really think of him. Are you with me?

No, I don't think they are.

Now listen up.

I got a real estate agent coming in here with a prospective buyer.

I want this place to look like an investment, which means get rid of the

now.

Get off the furniture.

I want to see happy.

Happy faces.

Happier. Happiest.

That's better.

Just wait a minute. I got something to say about this. Well, then be very clear

about it, because everybody should hear a dying man's last words.

Answer.

You can't sell Arnold's. Why not?

It's part of Milwaukee history.

I grew up here.

I want my kids to grow up here.

I want them to have a place where they can have food fights.

Loosen the top of salt shakers.

Blow straw wrappers across the room.

Fonz, suppose Arnold's new owners make this into a fancy restaurant.

They might not even have straws.

You know the most amazing part about this?

I actually stood here and listened to you.

Are you finished?

Of course. Sit, sit, sit.

All right, now look.

I can't believe it. I feel your tummies here.

I'll solve your adolescent problems because I want a little time to myself.

a bad guy. Is this gratitude?

Huh? Is this gratitude? Ah, Mr.

Fonzarelli. Have I got a sucker outside for you.

A business client, that is. Let me get it.

Right this way, Mr.

Takahashi.

I can't believe it.

You're still cool.

You're still Japanese.

You're great.

Oh, so what did they do to my place?

We had a little fight, you know.

When are they going to fix it?

Well,

obviously, you know each other, so I'm going to head back to the office and

figure out my commission.

So listen, four years, I haven't seen you in four years. What have you been

doing all that time? Yeah, well, you see, I joined the Peace Corps to see the

world. And I ended up in West Virginia.

Four years there.

It took me that long to figure out where I was.

But you know, Fancy, I sure miss Milwaukee.

Milwaukee missed you.

Yeah, I miss the fun. I miss the kids.

By the way, where are the kids? Where's Richie? Where's Ralphie? Where's Joni?

I'm still here.

Why?

So, Arnold, does this mean you're going to buy back Arnold's?

What, Butchie, you still shop like a tack?

That's great.

That's great.

Hey, everybody, listen up.

Demonstration is over.

Arnold's is still Arnold's.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

I mean, Fonzie and Arnold still got to talk terms.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

Fonzie and Arnold are still friends.

Terms don't mean nothing. We'll work it out.

Oh, I know that, Fonzie, but I just don't want you to take advantage of me

because I love this place so much.

So, um, how much you want for this crummy joint?

I'll tell you what.

I'm going to write down a number right here that I can live with. Okay.

I think you're going to find it a steal. Hey.

Excuse me, is something wrong?

Maybe it would have helped if you talked about it. Well, it's just so hard.

Richie's in Greenland, Joanie's in Chicago, and my new furniture leaks.

Oh, I knew you wouldn't understand.

Oh, but we do understand.

Joanie and Richie are your children.

Oh, yes. And you're upset because they've moved away and left you alone.

Yes, that's amazing.

How'd you do that?

Are Richie and Lori Beth going to find happiness in California?

I wasn't trying to tell your fortune. I was just putting a couple of facts

together. Well, you're looking at two authorities, and what happens to Mom

the children grow up?

It takes quite a while to adjust.

I'll bet you're still doing their favorite cooking.

Yes. I was up to my ears in chocolate cake.

I hate chocolate cake.

Oh, the days were endless.

Well, the housework was all done by 10 o 'clock in the morning, and there I

stood in my newly starched apron with...

Absolutely nothing to do.

Then I decided to redecorate the children's bedrooms.

Now I have a home with three dens.

I would never touch their bedrooms. You know, just in case. Just in case they

might decide to move back and be comfortable?

Well, yes.

But you know in your heart that they aren't going to.

Well, thank you very much. I enjoyed it.

Wait. I was just coming to the good part.

Your children have started on a new phase of their lives. But so have you.

And you have to make the best of it.

But how?

Well, by using this time to do all the things that you put off doing while you

were raising your children.

But I have.

I've made my own bathtub decals. And I've learned how to bronze baby shoes at

home. And I've turned old spools into valuable jewelry.

You know, life is more than arts and crafts.

You've got to do what you want to do.

Isn't there something that you've always dreamed of doing?

Well, yes.

But... Oh, no buts. Just do it.

You're right. I will.

Well, I just thank you so much. You help me a lot.

Oh, hey.

We moms have to stick together.

We're ready for you ladies now. Okay, thank you.

You look like that before you get your hair done.

You're just beautiful.

So will you be when they finish with you. Good luck.

I know you'll make it.

Daddy's home.

Marion!

Marion! What have you done?

Well, Mr.

Alberto thought that I could use a little softness around my face.

Do you like...

Oh, it's terrific. You look lovely.

Uh, Marion, did we have a robbery, I hope?

Howard, I sent back the furniture. It was ugly, it was uncomfortable, it was

impractical, and the sofa burst, and it took me an hour to catch it.

So, I want you to go out in the garage and get our old furniture and put it

where it belongs. Ah, you look so happy, Marion. You should go to the beauty

parlor every day.

It's nice to have you back, sweetheart.

Oh, Howard, you know, I thought my life was over because the children are gone,

but now I see it's just beginning. Yeah. Well, this calls for some kind of a

celebration. What would you like to do, huh? Take out the garbage.

Oh, I was thinking more along the lines of dinner and a movie, Mary.

After you take out the garbage.

Okay, whatever you say.

I guess some things just never change.

Something I always dreamed of doing. Don't you remember, Howard, when we were

first married, we would spread this great big map of the United States on a

table, and we would mark off all the places we wanted to see someday.

Then you would twirl me around, and you'd say, if I'm fancy, maybe he's had

enough.

I am not a gypsy, Marion, and I have no intention of traveling around the

country in the Hindenburg ear.

Oh, just wait till you see the inside. There's this tiny little stove and this

tiny little shower.

Well, then you better get a tiny little guy to go with you because I'm not.

Oh, now, can't we talk this over? Marion, how can you think about driving

the country when gas costs 29 cents a gallon?

Besides, I got a business to run, a mortgage to pay.

I see. You want to just sit inside on your lumpy old furniture for the rest of

your life and never try anything new.

Bingo, Marion. That's exactly what I want to do.

Well, I have no intention of living like that. And if you don't like it, Howard

Cunningham, that's just too damn bad.

Well, that does it.

I'm packing a bag. If you want me, I'll be at the lodge.

I have never said the D word.

What's wrong, sweetheart?

My children are gone.

Well, so are mine.

But you still have hardware.

I don't have a job anymore.

You sell a hammer, you just put another one up on the shelf. But you raise a

kid.

That's it.

I just feel so useless, Howard.

Why didn't you tell me you felt this way before?

Well, I tried, Howard.

But you just kept saying, well, this is such a wonderful time for us, Mary. Now

we can watch TV naked any time. What?

No, I thought if I kept really busy, well, then maybe I could see things the

you did. But I didn't.

That's why you bought the furniture, huh?

You had my golf shoes bronzed.

Rented this thing.

You did rent this thing, didn't you, Mary?

Oh, sweetheart, I am so, so sorry.

I've acted like a jerk.

You deserve a lot more than what I've been giving you.

But I'll tell you what, from now on, things are going to change around here.

We're going to go out more. And this summer, I think I'll take three weeks

and we'll rent this blimp, and we'll go anywhere you want to go. And when we get

back, if you like, you can come and work part -time in the store.

That's wonderful.

And if there's anything else you want, sweetheart, you just ask for it.

Could we build a pool, Howard? Not on your life, ma 'am.

You know, it seems a shame, you know, to rent this and not use it. Let me give

you a grand tour.

See, there's a little stove and there's a little sink and a cozy little bed and

a little refrigerator and a little closet.

Suddenly, there are early morning traffic jams in the fields of Battle

People are coming for our new Fruit Harvest Peach Strawberry Cereal, full of

sweet peaches and succulent strawberries.

Where else would you find the fresh taste of fruit in a cereal box?

That's right, nowhere but inside new Fruit Harvest Peach Strawberry.

Pick a right box today.

I just refinanced with Ditech .com.

I don't need these anymore.

Cash out some equity or consolidate bills with a new first mortgage from

.com. The total lender closing cost is just $395.

You're right!

This is fun!

Log on to Ditech .com or call 1 -800 -DIETECH -1.

That cold's getting worse, Dad.

My nose is running.

Head's all blocked up. I need my oxygen plus.

Only Alka -Seltzer Plus has an effervescent cold -fighting formula that

up your worst cold symptoms fast.

Alka -Seltzer Plus.

Why should you keep a few boxes of Jell -O Instant Pudding around the house?

Because it's only five minutes to homemade.

Because, do we really have to say anything?

Jell -O Instant Pudding.

Because it's magic.

Hello, guys. You've got me, your favorite cousin of all time, to thank

bringing the whole family here.

Sure, our parents always talked about taking us on a Walt Disney World

but they never got around to it. So when I heard that grown -ups can get a

vacation planning kit for free, I told my mom, and she called 1 -800 -332 -8338

and got it.

She couldn't believe all the new things there were for everyone to do.

Then again...

How could you not have a good time down here?

Where else could you eat breakfast with Mickey?

Even Aunt Lorelai's acting like a kid.

I helped make that happen.

And how about those rooms?

Right in the middle of everything for $77 a night.

You're the man, Bobby.

To order your free Walt Disney World vacation planning kit, call 1 -800 -332

-8338. But hurry, supplies are limited.

You know, Grandma, you've got me. Your best friend. and ever to thank for

bringing the whole family together.

They're really rocking in.

I'm so glad you came here. I got to ask you three important questions.

This price that I'm asking for, you know, for Arnold, is it fair?

Oh, absolutely.

As your accountant, I think you're only seeking a fair return on your initial

capital investment, but as your girlfriend, I think they're more

things than money.

That's got to be one of them, you know.

So, uh, how's business, Fonzie? Well, let me tell you something, Arnold.

My last price?

Fine. You're not going to get me to beg. You want to buy this, you find some

other sucker.

Oh, I already did. See, I just got back from Chicago.

And Al sold me his half of the business for a song. A very short song.

sneaky, low -down, underhanded thing to do, which I personally am very happy you

did. Because now I can be a silent partner again, huh? Welcome home.

That's great.

Now listen.

I want you to meet my lady friend here, Miss Ashley Pfister.

Oh, that's very good,

Fonzie. She speak Japanese?

Oh, yeah.

What's she say?

Miss Christa said it is a pleasure to meet you, and she truly loves that you

have enabled her to spend more time with me.

How did you know that?

It's a gift.

Sayonara.

Adios.

Coming up next, it's the shocking final story. See who speaks the final line.

It's not Robert Reed, who refused to appear in this episode due to creative

differences. The very last episode of The Brady Bunch is next, right here on

Land.