Original subtitles

Monday, Monday, happy days.

Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days.

Thursday, Friday, happy days.

The weekend come, let's tackle home.

Ready to rake to use.

These days are ours.

Oh, happy days.

These days are ours.

Oh, happy days. In that gray sky, that low blue, there's nothing can hold me

when I hold you.

Sunday, Monday, happy days. Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days.

Thursday, Friday, happy days. Saturday, what a day.

Ruben all week with you.

Please stay dry.

so we waited dinner. Oh, honey, I already ate at the Fatty Burger.

Hello. Oh, you have to pee.

Well, I know.

I'm sorry. But something happened to me in Chicago that's going to change our

whole lives.

All right, so everybody stop eating and listen to me. Oh, how?

Freddie Prebble. Freddie Prebble.

Oh, yes. A very nice young man who used to work for you who could never find his

way home. That's the guy. Well, I ran into him at the convention.

And, you know, I taught that nitwit everything there is to know about the

hardware business.

So what does he up and do? What, Ed? He becomes a millionaire.

Six years ago, he was a nobody, and today he owns a chain of hardware

And six years ago, I was exactly where I am today, struggling to make a living

out of one dinky little store.

But it's a cute little dinky store.

Well, I should be able to do as good as Freddy Preble.

That's a great story, Dad. Let's eat. Hands off the food. I'm not finished

So I asked Freddy, I said, how did you hit it so big? And he says, advertising.

TV commercials.

That's the difference, Howard, old man.

He's bald, and he's calling me old man.

Commercials, that's a good idea. You ought to do that. I'm going to do that,

Richard. You know the camera I gave you for your birthday?

Well, we're going to go down to the store, and we're going to shoot some

pictures. And then I'm going to call up Channel 8, and I'm going to buy

advertising time. And you can write the copy for the announcer to read, huh?

Okay, now I'm going upstairs and change clothes.

And while I'm doing that, I want all of you to think about what you want when

we're rich.

Well, what do we want? We want to eat. You got it.

Al, please, will you turn on the set of my commercial if you have any? Hey, this

is it.

This is Cunningham's Hardware.

It's located on the corner of 8th and East Boulevard.

This is Cunningham's hardware store from the inside.

We've been here since 1946, selling plenty of hammers and nails and wrenches

pliers and bolts and screws and electrical outlets.

I could sell you a whole lot more.

Remember our famous motto, if you need hammers or nails or wrenches or pliers

bolts or screws...

Zombies Theater.

I wrote that.

Boy, wasn't that terrific?

Wasn't that great?

Well, wasn't it? Oh, great.

It was really terrific. The color was perfect.

Yeah, I liked your famous model. Real catchy. That was my favorite part.

I tell you, this thing is big. The store's going to be jam -packed

Hey, look, if any of you guys want to earn some extra money, show up at the

store as soon as it opens. We better leave, Howard, because it's bright and

early in the morning.

I don't understand.

I can't figure it out.

This is the worst Saturday I've had in four years.

Jen! Ah!

Hey, everybody, how you doing?

Oh, you look it. Exhausting, huh?

Well, they must have come in here like locusts and just picked up everybody.

That's not the way it works, Fonz. No, huh? Maybe it wasn't a good idea.

It was a good idea.

I'm telling you, it was a great idea.

And I've been thinking about it.

I've been thinking long and hard.

I think I finally figured out what our problem is.

We don't know what the heck we're doing!

Richie, don't stop. You're on the right track.

I'm sorry. It's partly my fault, too.

I'm a journalist. I try to write the truth. I don't know anything about hype

selling. Oh, it's okay, Richard.

Dad. Dad, there was this fellow who lectured at college. He's in

He's got an office here in Milwaukee, and maybe he can help us do this thing

right, huh?

His name's Van Buren.

Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go find him, huh? Come on, everybody.

We're closing up early. I'm going to make a bigger and a better commercial.

Oh, Howard, you're just like a little ball of energy.

Well, I'm going to get you yet.

Well, gee, Mr. Van Buren, I like your ideas, but you know, Cunningham Hardware

is not a very big store.

Mr. Cunningham, it's not a big store yet.

Oh, you hear that, Mary? And he said, yeah, yeah.

I have an idea, Mr. Cunningham.

Let's put this on the back porch and see if the cat licks it up.

Oh, that's advertising.

Now, what would you consider a reasonable return on your investment for

campaign? Gee whiz, I don't know, maybe a 25 % increase in business?

15%. Don't say 10, Dad. You'll have to call a doctor.

That's about 40, huh?

40? 40 % increase in business, 4 -0, in two months or I return my fee.

Now, let's plant that in the ground and see what grows.

You mean to tell me that you're going to guarantee me a 40 % increase?

In writing, I have complete control. You do exactly as I say. Oh, of course I

will.

40%. You're the expert.

Howard. What's the matter, Marion?

Well, dear, you're giving him complete control.

Yes, but I have all the guarantees. Now, come on, Marion.

Let's stick it in the toaster and see if it pops.

I have an idea, Mrs. Cunningham. I see the four of you on television, in the

commercial, on TV.

Us? Wow.

On TV?

Well, Howard, what are you waiting for? You have to be on. She just signed it.

The four of us are going to be a star.

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Greet us, the Mundos!

The first Thanksgiving.

The Battle of Mayberry.

He says the British is coming, the British is coming. And Benjamin

courageous journey through time.

Benjamin Franklin at your service, madam.

Don't miss TV Land's Portrait of America.

Tuesday, November 25th, starting at 8.

Only on TV Land.

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Your house is all closed up. And it just feels stale.

Duffy. Not fresh.

I use scented candles.

I'm a potpourri person.

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Where do you unwrap the magic? It's all the inside. Hey, Pete, honey.

Inside that robot is something familiar, a battery.

And while you may think all batteries are the same, listen to this.

It's just the rain, but with his Phonak hearing aid, he's hearing it for the

first time.

And when Phonak chooses the battery, they trust Duracell. You heard the rain.

So whether it's a child's hearing or child's play, It just has to work.

Durso. Trusted everywhere.

All right, places, everybody.

Now, remember, tonight we go on live. This is just a rehearsal.

Are you ready? Yeah. All right.

And action.

Excuse me, sir. Are you the owner of this store?

Why, yes.

I'm Howard Cunningham.

Well, I tried shopping at another hardware store, and I'll tell you the

They weren't too friendly.

Tell me this. Is this a friendly hardware store?

Friendly, sir? Why, when you come into Cunningham's Hardware, you're treated

like one of the family.

Oh, Marion.

Oh, Joanie.

This is my wife, Marion.

And this... Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

This is my daughter, Joanie.

Would you like... some cookies. We just baked them.

Sure, you guys are friendly.

Oh, Richie.

Hello, sir.

This is my son, Richie. Did you meet my mother and my little sister? Oh, yes, I

did. A real pleasure.

Would you like to join us for dinner?

By golly, this is the friendliest store in town.

That's right. And remember our jingle.

like to sell this to you.

A hammer, a hacksaw, a bolt, a screw.

We want to sell tools to you today.

Beautiful.

Sidney, you were terrific as always.

Thank you.

Mr. Van Buren?

Yes. How are we?

Oh, fine, fine.

Really? Really? Really fine? Well, now that you bring it up.

I guess I sort of pictured a younger son.

Oh. Oh, well, you know, it's too bad we weren't doing this a few years ago then.

I could probably act a lot younger.

How about this?

Hi, Dad.

Better, better.

I think maybe wardrobe might help. Go to wardrobe.

They'll figure it out.

Right.

Oh, Richie!

Mr. Van Buren, I'm sorry.

Look, I just don't feel very comfortable in this particular outfit.

Cut, cut.

You know, the beanie and the shorts. Yeah, I know. Look, young fella, do you

want to let your father down?

Well, no. Of course I don't want to let him down. Well, how much do you really

want to be in this commercial?

Less and less all the time.

Good, good. Okay, bring in Billy.

Billy?

for this glove.

This has got Hank Aaron's autograph on it. I got it right before the 57 World

Series. What is this? Show and tell? Just give me the glove.

This kid's cruising for a bruise.

Yeah, but he's good.

Now, that's artistic temperament. Billy, you know your lines?

Hey, of course I know my lines. But look, don't hold me to the copy. I might

throw in a couple of things if I get hot.

You're a frightening child.

All right, let's take it from Billy's entrance.

I was the only one who got replaced.

All right, I want you to come around here. I want the two kids together. All

right, Howard, are you ready?

And cue him.

Oh, Richie!

This is my son, Richie. Hello, sir.

Have you met my mother and my little sister?

Cut!

Something seems not to work.

Well, I could call her my big sister.

Yes, well, I think I know what the problem is.

Do we need two children?

Mr. Van Buren, if you think that it's not working out, I don't want to stand

your way. The commercial is what's important, not me.

That's a very professional attitude.

Okay, bring in Scruffy.

Scruffy?

Mr. Van Buren.

Yes, yes. Do we really have to replace Joanie with a dog?

Howard, remember our agreement.

You get a 40 % increase in business guaranteed.

Now, I call all the shots.

You gotta let me call the shots all my way.

All right, I am, I am. I mean, I let you replace my son and I let you replace my

daughter. What more can I do?

Ah, now that you're bringing it up.

Bart! Bart, come out here.

looking guy.

Well, yes.

Don't you wish you looked like that?

I bet I will in a minute.

When women see him on television, they're going to come into this store

looking for an excuse to buy something. Yes, but when they get here, they're

going to find me.

That's right.

Yeah, of course that's right.

I've got it. I've got it.

You! will be Iggy the Stockboy.

Iggy. Now that it's all settled, bring in the family.

All right, step aside, Iggy.

I'm stepping aside.

Hi there.

Well, Billy, it's almost perfect.

about you, Marion. I'm Iggy.

Okay, we're running late. This is the last rehearsal.

Howard, you know your lines? Yeah, I think so.

Here are the screwdrivers, Mr. Cunningham. Here are the screwdrivers.

Relax, relax. That's very good.

Where's your lovely family?

Oh, them. Well, I don't think they're coming down.

See, it sounds kind of crazy, but, well, they think that this whole thing has

turned out kind of degrading.

Degrading? A 40 % increase in business?

Well, they'll change their tune about degrading when you buy them a car. Yeah,

and the new dishwasher. I told them that.

Now you're talking my language.

You're doing the right thing. All right, places, everybody.

Hey,

Mr. C.

Something very exciting, huh? All these cameras and everything.

Hey, Fonzie.

You're just in time to watch the dress rehearsal.

Oh, listen, now, get out of your way. I was just wondering, when you get a

moment, would you sign my helmet right next to Annette Funicello?

You've got Annette Funicello's on it?

She gave me hers, I gave her mine.

Do you belong here?

I belong everywhere.

Why don't you get on with your little work here?

Thank you, Ralph. Howard, I got a big surprise for you. I'm not Iggy anymore?

No, better. We lined up a celebrity.

Who? You'll see.

All right, last rehearsal.

Let's go.

Places, please.

All right, Sidney, you're still in there? You ready? And action.

Excuse me, sir. Are you the owner of this store? Yes, sir. I'm Howard

Cunningham. Oh. Well, tell me, is this a friendly hardware store?

Friendly? Sir, when you come to Cunningham's hardware store, you're

one of the family.

Oh, Marion, Joanie.

This is my wife, Marion, and my dog, Johnny.

How about a cookie, you big, handsome man?

Thank you. Oh, Richie.

And this is my son, Richie.

Here are your screwdrivers, Mr.

Cunningham. Oh, thank you, Iggy. This is my stock boy, Iggy.

Gee, Dad, look, I just came from the store.

folks Hammer and Hank wouldn't buy his hammer anyplace but at the Cunningham's

Hardware. You know, they lead the league in friendly service.

Cut! That was terrific, Henry! This is Henry Aaron!

All right, everybody!

We go on live in three minutes! Hey, Fonzie, isn't this exciting? Henry

Oh, yeah, it's exciting, Iggy.

You see, they had a few cast changes, but Mr. Van Buren knows what he's doing.

He's calling all these strangers the Cunninghams.

Yes, well, you see, that's called improved personality image, you know?

yeah? I thought it was called lying.

Well, it's not lying, Fonzie. I mean, Don Amici played Alexander Graham Bell,

didn't he? Yeah, right, but he wasn't selling phones, you know? I mean, it's

real store here. You're the real owner, right?

Mr. C, is this legal?

Oh, you're kidding.

No, I'm not.

Wait a minute.

Uh, Mr. Van Guren. Yes, sir. How is it?

All these actors playing my family. Now, is that legal?

Define legal.

What's not against the law?

Ah, that legal.

Well, technically speaking, if somebody wanted to make a case out of it, we

wouldn't come out completely clean.

By the time they dragged it through the courts, you'd be so rich, it wouldn't

matter. You see, Fonzie, it's okay, because by the time they drag it through

courts, I'd be so...

Rich, it wouldn't matter. Shame on you. I don't believe what you're saying.

Neither do I.

Howard! Howard!

Howard, now, we're here.

Now, not because of the new dishwasher, but if you think that what you're doing

is right, we want to back you up.

And we figure if you didn't think it was right, then you wouldn't be doing it.

We believe in you, Dad.

All right, places, everybody.

Ten seconds to air.

Iggy, get on the side. Everybody back there. All right.

Five, four, three, two, one.

You're on the air. We will return to our feature in just a moment. But now, this

word from our sponsor.

Excuse me, sir.

Are you the owner of this store?

Yes, sir. I'm Howard Cunningham. Oh.

Well, tell me, is this a friendly hardware store?

Friendly? Well, sir, when you come to Cunningham's hardware store, you're

treated just like one of the family.

Oh, Marion, Joni, Richie.

This is my wife, Marion. my son, Richie, and my dog, Joni. Would you like a

cookie? Thank you. Thank you.

Here are your screwdrivers, Mr. Cunningham. Oh, thank you, Iggy. This is

stock boy, Iggy. And don't forget our jingle.

We want to sell tools to you.

All right.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. That's enough.

Have a cookie, Iggy. I don't want a cookie. And stop calling me Iggy.

Now, look, folks, all of this is really nonsense. This man here, he is not

Howard Cunningham. I am the real Howard Cunningham. And this is not my real

family. If you want to see my real family, just follow me. They're right

here. Don't move the camera.

How would you like to be dead on live TV?

Move the camera.

You could have been rich.

You should have been rich.

Now, look, folks.

This is my real wife, Marion, and this is my son, Richard, and this, this is my

dog, Joni.

My daughter, Joni.

I do the best I can. I'm an honest businessman, and I stand behind what I

So if you want to come down here to Cunningham's Hardware, we'll give you

quality merchandise at a good price.

Thank you very much. Oh, wait a minute. I almost forgot.

Mr. Aaron.

Oh, oh, Mr. Aaron.

Hey, hey, hey, Darren.

This is really on the level. This is the real Henry Aaron. I've met you before.

I've met him.

Hey, kids, here. Give me that glove. Remember, you signed that right before

57 World Series?

It was the thrill of my life.

Autographing my glove?

No, you're playing in the World Series.

We still got a commercial going on here. We got ten seconds left.

Hey, Mr.

Cunningham, allow me, huh?

Hey, everybody, how you doing? Cunningham Hardware. The man believes in

everything he sells. He's open six days a week. On the seventh day, he takes a

rest. Come down here, leave a lot of money. I love you. Whoa.

I'll tell you something, Hank. You were great. Would you let go of the man's

hand?

You're on live television. You know you made a fool out of yourself.

That's Hank Aaron. Will you come?

Stop. This one.

A couple of papers. Mail's in the mailbox.

Yeah. Give me the package.

They think the signs read, no one is home.

Mom, it's my mom! Yet they miss the most important sign of all.

It's okay. It's okay.

Hello?

It's free.

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Wait till you see this, Henry. This is a great one.

Oh, here's a picture of me sliding home in the Little League Championship.

Oh, that's terrific.

I was out.

But over here, that's a picture of me diving after a line drive.

Oh, that's great. That's great. That one just ticked off my glove. I got one

over here.

That's a really good one.

But I really have to go now. Yeah, the season starts in three months.

Listen, Mr.

Aaron, I can't thank you enough for helping out on the commercial.

You know, I really thought that commercial was on the level. Well, thank

your endorsement and Fonzie. And Howard, your honesty.

Yeah, yeah, well, I think it'll be just terrific.

Thank you.

Oh, hey, how you doing, huh?

I wanted you to tell you, Hank, I love your style. I love your name, huh?

You're in the nick of time, Arthur. He's just leaving.

So long, folks. Hey, I'll walk out with you, all right?

Hit a home run.

Don't I always?

Next on the Brady Bunch, a matter of national security.

You know, if Richard Nixon had seen this episode involving Peter's secret

taping, the course of American history could have been changed.

Stay tuned for The Private Ear, next on TV Land.