All language subtitles for happy_days_s07e19_the_hucksters

Monday, Monday, happy days.

Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days.

Thursday, Friday, happy days.

The weekend come, let's tackle home.

Ready to rake to use.

These days are ours.

Oh, happy days.

These days are ours.

Oh, happy days. In that gray sky, that
low blue, there's nothing can hold me

when I hold you.

Sunday, Monday, happy days. Tuesday,
Wednesday, happy days.

Thursday, Friday, happy days. Saturday,
what a day.

Ruben all week with you.

Please stay dry.

so we waited dinner. Oh, honey, I
already ate at the Fatty Burger.

Hello. Oh, you have to pee.

Well, I know.

I'm sorry. But something happened to me
in Chicago that's going to change our

whole lives.

All right, so everybody stop eating and
listen to me. Oh, how?

Freddie Prebble. Freddie Prebble.

Oh, yes. A very nice young man who used
to work for you who could never find his

way home. That's the guy. Well, I ran
into him at the convention.

And, you know, I taught that nitwit
everything there is to know about the

hardware business.

So what does he up and do? What, Ed? He
becomes a millionaire.

Six years ago, he was a nobody, and
today he owns a chain of hardware

And six years ago, I was exactly where I
am today, struggling to make a living

out of one dinky little store.

But it's a cute little dinky store.

Well, I should be able to do as good as
Freddy Preble.

That's a great story, Dad. Let's eat.
Hands off the food. I'm not finished

So I asked Freddy, I said, how did you
hit it so big? And he says, advertising.

TV commercials.

That's the difference, Howard, old man.

He's bald, and he's calling me old man.

Commercials, that's a good idea. You
ought to do that. I'm going to do that,

Richard. You know the camera I gave you
for your birthday?

Well, we're going to go down to the
store, and we're going to shoot some

pictures. And then I'm going to call up
Channel 8, and I'm going to buy

advertising time. And you can write the
copy for the announcer to read, huh?

Okay, now I'm going upstairs and change
clothes.

And while I'm doing that, I want all of
you to think about what you want when

we're rich.

Well, what do we want? We want to eat.
You got it.

Al, please, will you turn on the set of
my commercial if you have any? Hey, this

is it.

This is Cunningham's Hardware.

It's located on the corner of 8th and
East Boulevard.

This is Cunningham's hardware store from
the inside.

We've been here since 1946, selling
plenty of hammers and nails and wrenches

pliers and bolts and screws and
electrical outlets.

I could sell you a whole lot more.

Remember our famous motto, if you need
hammers or nails or wrenches or pliers

bolts or screws...

Zombies Theater.

I wrote that.

Boy, wasn't that terrific?

Wasn't that great?

Well, wasn't it? Oh, great.

It was really terrific. The color was
perfect.

Yeah, I liked your famous model. Real
catchy. That was my favorite part.

I tell you, this thing is big. The
store's going to be jam -packed

Hey, look, if any of you guys want to
earn some extra money, show up at the

store as soon as it opens. We better
leave, Howard, because it's bright and

early in the morning.

I don't understand.

I can't figure it out.

This is the worst Saturday I've had in
four years.

Jen! Ah!

Hey, everybody, how you doing?

Oh, you look it. Exhausting, huh?

Well, they must have come in here like
locusts and just picked up everybody.

That's not the way it works, Fonz. No,
huh? Maybe it wasn't a good idea.

It was a good idea.

I'm telling you, it was a great idea.

And I've been thinking about it.

I've been thinking long and hard.

I think I finally figured out what our
problem is.

We don't know what the heck we're doing!

Richie, don't stop. You're on the right
track.

I'm sorry. It's partly my fault, too.

I'm a journalist. I try to write the
truth. I don't know anything about hype

selling. Oh, it's okay, Richard.

Dad. Dad, there was this fellow who
lectured at college. He's in

He's got an office here in Milwaukee,
and maybe he can help us do this thing

right, huh?

His name's Van Buren.

Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go
find him, huh? Come on, everybody.

We're closing up early. I'm going to
make a bigger and a better commercial.

Oh, Howard, you're just like a little
ball of energy.

Well, I'm going to get you yet.

Well, gee, Mr. Van Buren, I like your
ideas, but you know, Cunningham Hardware

is not a very big store.

Mr. Cunningham, it's not a big store
yet.

Oh, you hear that, Mary? And he said,
yeah, yeah.

I have an idea, Mr. Cunningham.

Let's put this on the back porch and see
if the cat licks it up.

Oh, that's advertising.

Now, what would you consider a
reasonable return on your investment for

campaign? Gee whiz, I don't know, maybe
a 25 % increase in business?

15%. Don't say 10, Dad. You'll have to
call a doctor.

That's about 40, huh?

40? 40 % increase in business, 4 -0, in
two months or I return my fee.

Now, let's plant that in the ground and
see what grows.

You mean to tell me that you're going to
guarantee me a 40 % increase?

In writing, I have complete control. You
do exactly as I say. Oh, of course I

will.

40%. You're the expert.

Howard. What's the matter, Marion?

Well, dear, you're giving him complete
control.

Yes, but I have all the guarantees. Now,
come on, Marion.

Let's stick it in the toaster and see if
it pops.

I have an idea, Mrs. Cunningham. I see
the four of you on television, in the

commercial, on TV.

Us? Wow.

On TV?

Well, Howard, what are you waiting for?
You have to be on. She just signed it.

The four of us are going to be a star.

This Thanksgiving holiday, history comes
alive with TV Land's Portrait of

America, The Landing at Plymouth Rock.

Greet us, the Mundos!

The first Thanksgiving.

The Battle of Mayberry.

He says the British is coming, the
British is coming. And Benjamin

courageous journey through time.

Benjamin Franklin at your service,
madam.

Don't miss TV Land's Portrait of
America.

Tuesday, November 25th, starting at 8.

Only on TV Land.

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Yes, you can. With Pam, America's
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Spray the pan, spray the spatula.

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It's that time of year.

Your house is all closed up. And it just
feels stale.

Duffy. Not fresh.

I use scented candles.

I'm a potpourri person.

But sometimes this stuff just covers up
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Temporarily. I don't know what else to
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Febreze, out with the stale, in with the
fresh.

Go to the website now to get a coupon
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for Febreze Allergy Reducer. Pick up
Febreze in the laundry aisle today.

What do you call a stale? They give you
free chocolate and delicious savings.

The JCPenney Free Stale. Saturday only.
Treat yourself with surprise savings of

25, 30, or 35%.

Where do you unwrap the magic? It's all
the inside. Hey, Pete, honey.

Inside that robot is something familiar,
a battery.

And while you may think all batteries
are the same, listen to this.

It's just the rain, but with his Phonak
hearing aid, he's hearing it for the

first time.

And when Phonak chooses the battery,
they trust Duracell. You heard the rain.

So whether it's a child's hearing or
child's play, It just has to work.

Durso. Trusted everywhere.

All right, places, everybody.

Now, remember, tonight we go on live.
This is just a rehearsal.

Are you ready? Yeah. All right.

And action.

Excuse me, sir. Are you the owner of
this store?

Why, yes.

I'm Howard Cunningham.

Well, I tried shopping at another
hardware store, and I'll tell you the

They weren't too friendly.

Tell me this. Is this a friendly
hardware store?

Friendly, sir? Why, when you come into
Cunningham's Hardware, you're treated

like one of the family.

Oh, Marion.

Oh, Joanie.

This is my wife, Marion.

And this... Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

This is my daughter, Joanie.

Would you like... some cookies. We just
baked them.

Sure, you guys are friendly.

Oh, Richie.

Hello, sir.

This is my son, Richie. Did you meet my
mother and my little sister? Oh, yes, I

did. A real pleasure.

Would you like to join us for dinner?

By golly, this is the friendliest store
in town.

That's right. And remember our jingle.

like to sell this to you.

A hammer, a hacksaw, a bolt, a screw.

We want to sell tools to you today.

Beautiful.

Sidney, you were terrific as always.

Thank you.

Mr. Van Buren?

Yes. How are we?

Oh, fine, fine.

Really? Really? Really fine? Well, now
that you bring it up.

I guess I sort of pictured a younger
son.

Oh. Oh, well, you know, it's too bad we
weren't doing this a few years ago then.

I could probably act a lot younger.

How about this?

Hi, Dad.

Better, better.

I think maybe wardrobe might help. Go to
wardrobe.

They'll figure it out.

Right.

Oh, Richie!

Mr. Van Buren, I'm sorry.

Look, I just don't feel very comfortable
in this particular outfit.

Cut, cut.

You know, the beanie and the shorts.
Yeah, I know. Look, young fella, do you

want to let your father down?

Well, no. Of course I don't want to let
him down. Well, how much do you really

want to be in this commercial?

Less and less all the time.

Good, good. Okay, bring in Billy.

Billy?

for this glove.

This has got Hank Aaron's autograph on
it. I got it right before the 57 World

Series. What is this? Show and tell?
Just give me the glove.

This kid's cruising for a bruise.

Yeah, but he's good.

Now, that's artistic temperament. Billy,
you know your lines?

Hey, of course I know my lines. But
look, don't hold me to the copy. I might

throw in a couple of things if I get
hot.

You're a frightening child.

All right, let's take it from Billy's
entrance.

I was the only one who got replaced.

All right, I want you to come around
here. I want the two kids together. All

right, Howard, are you ready?

And cue him.

Oh, Richie!

This is my son, Richie. Hello, sir.

Have you met my mother and my little
sister?

Cut!

Something seems not to work.

Well, I could call her my big sister.

Yes, well, I think I know what the
problem is.

Do we need two children?

Mr. Van Buren, if you think that it's
not working out, I don't want to stand

your way. The commercial is what's
important, not me.

That's a very professional attitude.

Okay, bring in Scruffy.

Scruffy?

Mr. Van Buren.

Yes, yes. Do we really have to replace
Joanie with a dog?

Howard, remember our agreement.

You get a 40 % increase in business
guaranteed.

Now, I call all the shots.

You gotta let me call the shots all my
way.

All right, I am, I am. I mean, I let you
replace my son and I let you replace my

daughter. What more can I do?

Ah, now that you're bringing it up.

Bart! Bart, come out here.

looking guy.

Well, yes.

Don't you wish you looked like that?

I bet I will in a minute.

When women see him on television,
they're going to come into this store

looking for an excuse to buy something.
Yes, but when they get here, they're

going to find me.

That's right.

Yeah, of course that's right.

I've got it. I've got it.

You! will be Iggy the Stockboy.

Iggy. Now that it's all settled, bring
in the family.

All right, step aside, Iggy.

I'm stepping aside.

Hi there.

Well, Billy, it's almost perfect.

about you, Marion. I'm Iggy.

Okay, we're running late. This is the
last rehearsal.

Howard, you know your lines? Yeah, I
think so.

Here are the screwdrivers, Mr.
Cunningham. Here are the screwdrivers.

Relax, relax. That's very good.

Where's your lovely family?

Oh, them. Well, I don't think they're
coming down.

See, it sounds kind of crazy, but, well,
they think that this whole thing has

turned out kind of degrading.

Degrading? A 40 % increase in business?

Well, they'll change their tune about
degrading when you buy them a car. Yeah,

and the new dishwasher. I told them
that.

Now you're talking my language.

You're doing the right thing. All right,
places, everybody.

Hey,

Mr. C.

Something very exciting, huh? All these
cameras and everything.

Hey, Fonzie.

You're just in time to watch the dress
rehearsal.

Oh, listen, now, get out of your way. I
was just wondering, when you get a

moment, would you sign my helmet right
next to Annette Funicello?

You've got Annette Funicello's on it?

She gave me hers, I gave her mine.

Do you belong here?

I belong everywhere.

Why don't you get on with your little
work here?

Thank you, Ralph. Howard, I got a big
surprise for you. I'm not Iggy anymore?

No, better. We lined up a celebrity.

Who? You'll see.

All right, last rehearsal.

Let's go.

Places, please.

All right, Sidney, you're still in
there? You ready? And action.

Excuse me, sir. Are you the owner of
this store? Yes, sir. I'm Howard

Cunningham. Oh. Well, tell me, is this a
friendly hardware store?

Friendly? Sir, when you come to
Cunningham's hardware store, you're

one of the family.

Oh, Marion, Joanie.

This is my wife, Marion, and my dog,
Johnny.

How about a cookie, you big, handsome
man?

Thank you. Oh, Richie.

And this is my son, Richie.

Here are your screwdrivers, Mr.

Cunningham. Oh, thank you, Iggy. This is
my stock boy, Iggy.

Gee, Dad, look, I just came from the
store.

folks Hammer and Hank wouldn't buy his
hammer anyplace but at the Cunningham's

Hardware. You know, they lead the league
in friendly service.

Cut! That was terrific, Henry! This is
Henry Aaron!

All right, everybody!

We go on live in three minutes! Hey,
Fonzie, isn't this exciting? Henry

Oh, yeah, it's exciting, Iggy.

You see, they had a few cast changes,
but Mr. Van Buren knows what he's doing.

He's calling all these strangers the
Cunninghams.

Yes, well, you see, that's called
improved personality image, you know?

yeah? I thought it was called lying.

Well, it's not lying, Fonzie. I mean,
Don Amici played Alexander Graham Bell,

didn't he? Yeah, right, but he wasn't
selling phones, you know? I mean, it's

real store here. You're the real owner,
right?

Mr. C, is this legal?

Oh, you're kidding.

No, I'm not.

Wait a minute.

Uh, Mr. Van Guren. Yes, sir. How is it?

All these actors playing my family. Now,
is that legal?

Define legal.

What's not against the law?

Ah, that legal.

Well, technically speaking, if somebody
wanted to make a case out of it, we

wouldn't come out completely clean.

By the time they dragged it through the
courts, you'd be so rich, it wouldn't

matter. You see, Fonzie, it's okay,
because by the time they drag it through

courts, I'd be so...

Rich, it wouldn't matter. Shame on you.
I don't believe what you're saying.

Neither do I.

Howard! Howard!

Howard, now, we're here.

Now, not because of the new dishwasher,
but if you think that what you're doing

is right, we want to back you up.

And we figure if you didn't think it was
right, then you wouldn't be doing it.

We believe in you, Dad.

All right, places, everybody.

Ten seconds to air.

Iggy, get on the side. Everybody back
there. All right.

Five, four, three, two, one.

You're on the air. We will return to our
feature in just a moment. But now, this

word from our sponsor.

Excuse me, sir.

Are you the owner of this store?

Yes, sir. I'm Howard Cunningham. Oh.

Well, tell me, is this a friendly
hardware store?

Friendly? Well, sir, when you come to
Cunningham's hardware store, you're

treated just like one of the family.

Oh, Marion, Joni, Richie.

This is my wife, Marion. my son, Richie,
and my dog, Joni. Would you like a

cookie? Thank you. Thank you.

Here are your screwdrivers, Mr.
Cunningham. Oh, thank you, Iggy. This is

stock boy, Iggy. And don't forget our
jingle.

We want to sell tools to you.

All right.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. That's
enough.

Have a cookie, Iggy. I don't want a
cookie. And stop calling me Iggy.

Now, look, folks, all of this is really
nonsense. This man here, he is not

Howard Cunningham. I am the real Howard
Cunningham. And this is not my real

family. If you want to see my real
family, just follow me. They're right

here. Don't move the camera.

How would you like to be dead on live
TV?

Move the camera.

You could have been rich.

You should have been rich.

Now, look, folks.

This is my real wife, Marion, and this
is my son, Richard, and this, this is my

dog, Joni.

My daughter, Joni.

I do the best I can. I'm an honest
businessman, and I stand behind what I

So if you want to come down here to
Cunningham's Hardware, we'll give you

quality merchandise at a good price.

Thank you very much. Oh, wait a minute.
I almost forgot.

Mr. Aaron.

Oh, oh, Mr. Aaron.

Hey, hey, hey, Darren.

This is really on the level. This is the
real Henry Aaron. I've met you before.

I've met him.

Hey, kids, here. Give me that glove.
Remember, you signed that right before

57 World Series?

It was the thrill of my life.

Autographing my glove?

No, you're playing in the World Series.

We still got a commercial going on here.
We got ten seconds left.

Hey, Mr.

Cunningham, allow me, huh?

Hey, everybody, how you doing?
Cunningham Hardware. The man believes in

everything he sells. He's open six days
a week. On the seventh day, he takes a

rest. Come down here, leave a lot of
money. I love you. Whoa.

I'll tell you something, Hank. You were
great. Would you let go of the man's

hand?

You're on live television. You know you
made a fool out of yourself.

That's Hank Aaron. Will you come?

Stop. This one.

A couple of papers. Mail's in the
mailbox.

Yeah. Give me the package.

They think the signs read, no one is
home.

Mom, it's my mom! Yet they miss the most
important sign of all.

It's okay. It's okay.

Hello?

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What do you call a sale that gives you
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Wait till you see this, Henry. This is a
great one.

Oh, here's a picture of me sliding home
in the Little League Championship.

Oh, that's terrific.

I was out.

But over here, that's a picture of me
diving after a line drive.

Oh, that's great. That's great. That one
just ticked off my glove. I got one

over here.

That's a really good one.

But I really have to go now. Yeah, the
season starts in three months.

Listen, Mr.

Aaron, I can't thank you enough for
helping out on the commercial.

You know, I really thought that
commercial was on the level. Well, thank

your endorsement and Fonzie. And Howard,
your honesty.

Yeah, yeah, well, I think it'll be just
terrific.

Thank you.

Oh, hey, how you doing, huh?

I wanted you to tell you, Hank, I love
your style. I love your name, huh?

You're in the nick of time, Arthur. He's
just leaving.

So long, folks. Hey, I'll walk out with
you, all right?

Hit a home run.

Don't I always?

Next on the Brady Bunch, a matter of
national security.

You know, if Richard Nixon had seen this
episode involving Peter's secret

taping, the course of American history
could have been changed.

Stay tuned for The Private Ear, next on
TV Land.