Original subtitles

Karma, you really don't have to do this.

They're our parents. They deserve to be dealt with honestly.

Oh, they do not.

There's no good way to tell them that we're not going on vacation with them.

Well, I'm not gonna lie. There's nothing wrong with lying. Our civilization is

based on it. Our art is based on it. Do you really think Billy Joel loved her

just the way she was?

How's that tea, Kitty? It's still fine.

Abby, here is your wheat berry scone. Thank you. Does anybody know why we're

here? Yes, Dharma knows why we're here.

Dharma?

Thank you, Gray.

Well, Abby, Larry, we have a little problem here. You know how we told you

that we were going to go camping with you next week? I'm sorry.

You're going with us to the Cordon Bleu Wine and Food Tasting Weekend in Napa.

Well, they're in squats betowed.

Honey? Darling?

Sweetheart?

As you can see, we're in one of those things that just happens. You know, it's

nobody's fault, really, and I thought that we should all just get together as

adults and just work it out.

Dama, I think that's a very wise and mature choice.

Thank you, Kitty.

Abby, Larry, I know this is very disappointing for you, but we have

weekend. It's not refundable, so of course the children will be going with

Wait a minute. No, Kitty, this is not just a camping trip. This is my

Wait, didn't you just have a birthday?

Oh, that's the anniversary of my physical birth.

This is the anniversary of the onset of my womanhood.

What the hell do you sing for that?

All right, guys, here's the deal. We're going to have to compromise here. So

Greg and I are going to spend the week at Kitty and Edward's Vacation House in

the Mountains, which you've been wanting us to do, and it's in the woods, which

is kind of like camping. The only thing that'll be missing is, uh, you guys.

Smooth. Isn't it better that we're dealing with this openly and honestly

than cooking up some crazy lie which totally wouldn't have worked? For

we might have said that we have a new puppy at home that we couldn't leave

alone, and his name might have been Scout.

Well, you couldn't leave home if you had a new puppy. Absolutely.

He'd tear up the place.

All right, maybe that would have worked. My point is, I have heard enough.

Come on, Edward, we're leaving.

That's my ride.

You guys understand, right?

I'm afraid I don't, Dharma.

The womb we were going to be celebrating is the womb that gave birth to you.

We're going?

We're not going to get to see the puppy.

Good night.

Therein squats the toad.

Hey, where have you been?

I stopped off to talk to my folks. Oh.

How'd that go?

Well, I just moved things over. I sold you out big time, so they're speaking to

me, but you're pretty much toast.

Fair enough.

Did you speak to your parents?

Uh -huh. We had a great talk. We got out the clay, we sculpted our feelings,

then we looked at each other's feelings.

How's everybody feeling?

Well, my mother feels like a little crying dove, and Larry feels like a tiny

bowling ball.

Here, he wanted you to have it.

It was a little bit rough, but I told them that we made our decision.

Good.

Yeah.

It's good.

If you had seen the pain that it had caused them, honey, you would have done

exactly what I did.

Please, tell me we're not going camping with them.

No, silly, of course not.

with us to your parents' cabin.

Dharma, no.

Greg, this is a big deal to my mother's menstrual cycle we are talking about.

And I really wish we weren't.

Dharma, if my parents find out that we're going on vacation with your

they're going to make our lives a living hell.

My mom was a crying little dove and my dad was a bowling ball.

How do you say no to that?

Uh, Janet, could you, uh, messenger this over to Mr. Kincaid's office? Oh, yes,

of course. They're right away. Thank you.

Excuse me.

I work here now, and I'm your secretary. You can bring that stuff to me.

Sorry.

Arlene, could you... Well, I'm off the phone.

Hi, son. Dad, how's Mother doing?

Oh, she's still on the moor, Pat. She fired the gardener.

Usually cheers her up.

Did you, uh, cancel your trip?

No. Now it's just your mother and me.

Picnicking in the vineyards, antiquing, having a...

romantic dinner and that little train they have up there.

That sounds nice.

I'll give you $100 ,000 if you come with us.

Sorry, Dad.

I know. You're right.

You and Dharma need this time alone, just the two of you.

We sure do.

Just the two of us.

Listen, if we're both going to be out of town, we need to reschedule the meeting

with the securities and exchange guy. Right.

Marlene, what do I have on my book for that week?

Marlene?

is just terrific to work with.

Dad, I'm jammed up that week. Maybe we can find somebody else to handle the

meeting with the SEC.

Well, we'll have to get somebody from the legal department. What about Howard?

No, Howard's too busy.

I got nothing next week. It's just a pro forma inquiry.

Nothing tricky.

Yeah, you're right. A monkey could do it.

It's all yours, Pete.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

You might want to book a monkey, just in case.

Isn't she terrific?

And then on the way to Napa, I thought we could stop at this marvelous little

furniture maker. Oh, he makes the most darling little table and chair set out

old grape vines.

And they let you watch.

You know, salt will kill you.

When?

What are you doing here?

Well, I was in the neighborhood, and your door was open.

The door was open? Well, I mean, I got it open.

All right, look, here's the deal.

Something has happened, and some people don't think that you should know about

it, but we are a family, and we have to deal with things honestly, no matter

what those same people think. My parents are going with me and Greg on vacation.

Any questions?

Enjoy your meal.

Dama, I would just like to say I appreciate your honesty.

You do?

Absolutely.

You want us to know that your parents are the fun people that you enjoy

vacationing with and we are a dull obligation.

No. Didn't you just cancel a vacation with us and schedule one with your

parents? Kitty, that... We got a new puppy.

I suppose.

Abby, Larry, your room is right down there at the end of the hall. Where's

hot tub?

Right outside your room. Well, that's where we're going to be all weekend. Oh,

Larry, don't be selfish. They might want to have sex in it, too.

All yours.

You know, this is going to be fine.

We know where they're going to be. We can avoid them. It's a big house.

It's a huge house.

You could have four people here. You could have six people here.

What does that mean?

Oh, Edward, they've arrived.

This is bad. You don't know that. Yes, I do.

Greg, this knob from your hot tub just came off. What are they doing here?

I thought they were going to be in Napa. I thought you said your parents had

changed their minds.

Yes, basically, I was dishonest with everybody, and that doesn't feel very

does it?

Grandma, can I talk to you? Yeah, Greg, we can talk, and they can talk, and they

can talk, and work on their problems, and sort out issues, and laugh, and cry,

because this is officially... The Montgomery Finkelstein Weekend of

While you're out there, I want each of you to think of something nice to say to

the person on your left.

No fair. I got the hard one.

I don't even know where to start.

You probably want to know what the hell's wrong with me.

That's as good a place as any.

All right, look, I went to talk to your parents, but your mom pretty much

whacked me upside the head with a guilt stick, and I kind of got backed into a

corner. But then I thought, why not bring them all here together? And I know

didn't go about it the right way, but we have an amazing opportunity here.

What, to get on cops?

We've been caught between these people for five years. We tiptoe around them,

pacify them, we get ourselves all tied up in knots as hell.

So, is it just the six of us, or did you bring a swarm of angry bees?

I mean, they have never even tried to get along. This is their chance to make

work.

It was an accident.

Oh, it most certainly was not.

Let's go see how they're making it work.

What happened?

Your father -in -law just hurled a $6 ,500 lamp onto the floor.

You spent six grand on a lamp?

Edward, please, not now.

It was an accident, Kitty.

Ed wanted to make a fire, and he couldn't see if the flue was open, and I

bringing him a lamp, and I got caught up short by the cord. What kind of an

idiot doesn't realize a lamp has a cord?

Larry! And you should know that by now.

It's just a thing.

She's so worried about her lamp. How about, hey, Larry, are you okay?

You are obviously not okay.

Is this the kind of give and take you were hoping for? Oh, absolutely.

Events like this... Give us the opportunity to work on our communication

Let's try role play. Oh, please.

Oh, Dharma, that is a wonderful idea.

Larry, you play Kitty, all right?

Now, you've just seen yourself break the lamp. Right, and I'll be the broken

lamp.

We have a broken lamp.

I'll be the man drinking scotch.

Go ahead, Kitty.

Okay, well, obviously, Larry, accidents happen.

The important thing here is that you weren't hurt. Larry, give me a hug.

I don't think he's got her at all.

This is nonsense.

You broke a very important lamp, and I think the least you can do is offer to

pay for it. What happened to Larry, give me a hug? I never said that. Everybody

heard it. Come on, Abby, I think I got $20 in my duffel bag. Let's start paying

them their blood money.

How could you humiliate him like that?

He's a human being with a soul.

I am going upstairs, and when I come down, they had better be gone.

Edward?

And when I come down, I'd better be drunk.

Okay, good start, everybody.

We'll just take a little break for now.

Mr. Montgomery asked me to remind you to confine your responses to all the

information you need is in these documents, and would you care for some

What's that supposed to mean?

It means, for some reason, he trusts you with coffee.

If you'll excuse me, I've been a practicing attorney for the last nine

off and on.

I think I know how to conduct myself professionally during a meeting with a

representative of the federal government.

Excuse me, I'm Laura Butler. I'm looking for Pete Cavanaugh.

Holy smokes.

You're the guy from the SEC?

I'm the woman from the SEC.

Why aren't you our tax dollars at work?

Come right this way. Can I get you some coffee or maybe whip up a pitcher of

margaritas?

I'll see you in a few hours.

Where are you going? We're leaving.

We're going to find a little hotel or we're going to break into somebody's

house.

But we're going to have a vacation by ourselves.

We don't have a car. So we'll walk.

We might lose a tote of frostbite, but it'll be worth it.

I know it's hard, Greg, but a lot of worthwhile things are hard, and they

time, like running a marathon or having a baby or making cheese.

Listen, I don't understand the part about the cheese, but I understand what

you're trying to do here. The thing is, it can't be done.

Our parents will never be friends. They don't like each other's politics. They

don't like each other's food. They don't like each other.

Don't you think that is a little bit negative?

No. It's realistic.

The only way we can deal with our parents is to keep them apart,

the rest of their lives.

What are we going to do when we have children?

We'll do what normal families do. We'll go to your parents for Thanksgiving, my

parents for Christmas. That's why God invented two holidays where you eat

exactly the same meal.

I'm sorry, Greg, but I don't want to live like that.

I'm not ready to give up on this.

So what do you want to do?

We let them interact, we listen, and then we jump in when we're needed.

Edward! Come down here and see what they have done!

And bring your hunting rifle!

Sounds like we're needed.

Are you sure you don't want to come inside and talk about this? We're past

talking. You know, I don't think anybody's really going to see this

you're doing.

Grassroots, my friend.

If you need me, I'll be writing my list of demands.

How sexy is that man right now?

Well, now we have to figure out what we're going to do next. Well, to start

we're going to steer clear of that tent for a while.

apologize for what you did, he'll apologize for what he did, and they'll

off their protest. I forgave him for the lamp.

I will not forgive him for turning our front yard into a shantytown.

These are odd people you married into, son.

I will only shut down the camp if they give in to our demands.

Larry, I don't think they're ever going to allow homeless people to bathe in the

hot tub.

That's just in there so we have something to give in on.

We have to... open up their lands for grazing?

That one we're sticking to.

Here's one for me.

They want me to beat my sword into a plowshare and study war no more.

If you don't have a sword, you're probably off the hook.

Could you just talk to them?

All right, I might be willing to meet them, but only on neutral ground.

I'll alert the Swiss.

All right, here we are.

Somebody say something.

I'm freezing my ass off.

Well, there you go. There's some common ground. We're all freezing our asses

off. Oh, this is ridiculous. Yes, it is.

Larry, will you just admit that you went a little overboard here?

No. Well, call that a yes.

Kitty, will you admit that sometimes the way you approach these situations is a

little condescending?

Well, I can see how you would think that, dear.

Good.

Okay. Why don't we just call that our achievement for the weekend and just go

back to taking our vacation?

Fine. All right.

Thank you. Thank you, Dharma. So, I assume that that means we're going back

our original plan of Larry and I and the kids spending some time together.

And if you like, we would be willing to help you pack up.

I believe your original plan was to sleep in the woods.

So why don't we help you pack up? Oh, that's it, huh? Just throw the working

right out of the van. If I could find a working man, I would throw him out of

the van.

All of you!

For the last five years, Greg and I have tried to make peace with you people,

but it is impossible.

You fight...

done. Love each other, kill each other, tie each other up, and paint each other

blue. I don't care. You are on your own. Greg and I are leaving.

That's my ride.

So, as far as you know, none of the officers of Montgomery Industries bought

stock in Conesco before this merger was announced.

Oh, my God, what a great idea.

Is it too late to get in on that?

It seems like everything here is in order, so I'll just take copies of these

documents and that's it.

Well, hang on. We haven't even had a chance to get to know each other. All

talked about is business.

That's what they pay me for. But it was nice to meet you, and good luck with the

merger.

So you're just leaving?

We're done.

Well, hang on.

Not everything about the merger is in those documents.

What do you mean?

Well, you know, people talk, you hear things.

So you're saying you're privy to information that you don't feel

discussing? I wouldn't feel comfortable discussing it with just anyone.

Would you feel comfortable discussing it with me?

Yes.

I think that I would.

Not that I'm not enjoying the ride, but where exactly are we going?

Mazatlan.

If we're going to Mazatlan, we probably should go back and get our toothbrushes.

I can't drive to Mazatlan. Oh, no, actually you can.

You get on the 80, back over to the 5, and then it's Mexican Highway 15. But

that aside for the moment, you might want to get back on the road, or at

slow down.

Now, you've got helpful suggestions. You couldn't have chimed in back there on

the porch? Well, for the record, I'm not the one that invited both sets of

parents on our vacation.

And again, one more for the record, you're not on the road.

I'll have to slow down.