Original subtitles

I cannot believe there is an entire bookstore devoted to crackpot conspiracy

theories. Yeah.

It's Larry's favorite.

Well, Blair, they've got a whole bunch of new stuff on the Kennedy

assassination.

Oh, who cares?

It was probably just Oswald anyway.

Boy, getting fired's really bummed around. Oh, yeah.

Well, he's always a little depressed between jobs.

Remember that rough stretch we had from 78 to 89?

Oh, look at this.

Alien Abductions, a 12 -step recovery handbook.

This is a joke. Not to people in AAAA.

But, Dharma, this is not something you believe in, right?

Well, it's not really a subjective thing, Greg. It's science.

Dharma, it is not science.

Look, I can deal with aromatherapy and astrology, and I'm willing to take a

-and -see position on reincarnation, but come on. I mean, UFOs, those are for...

People in pickup trucks on dirt roads that, you know, done seed it with their

own two eyes.

Fine, Greg. Humans built pyramids.

Find anything good, Larry?

No.

Hey, Mike.

You know, if you ever need anyone to help out here at the store, Larry knows

this place like the back of Big Potato.

I wish I could hire him, Dharma. But I'm still in the store.

For all I know, next week, this will be a jamba juice.

This is all I need.

First the Earth shoe store closes, and now this.

Larry, the Earth shoe store closed 20 years ago.

Yeah, and now this.

Man, why are you selling?

I'm spread too thin. I have the UFO support group, my Loch Ness newsletter,

I'm writing a musical based on my favorite episode of Star Trek.

Larry, this could be a great opportunity for you.

What do I know about running a Jamba Juice? Oh, yeah.

do you think your dad would put up the money to buy this place?

For the guy he just fired?

He could have just said no.

What about your brother, Larry? He could put up the money.

I don't want his money. It's blood money.

He's a dentist.

Gums bleed, Dharma.

Gums bleed.

Come on, Abby.

Do you really believe that there are little guys like this flying around the

planet? Like this?

No. Of course not. They're in ships.

Those are weather balloons, or atmospheric phenomena, or pie plates on

And me, if you have some evidence you would like to show me, I'd be willing to

have an open mind, unlike some people.

Okay, so just so that I know what I'm up against, where do you stand on the

Easter Bunny?

Well, I ain't seen it with my own two eyes, Greg, but how do you explain them

chocolate eggs?

So, I am no longer a member of the unholy international military dental

conspiracy.

I'm not really sure.

Anyway, he's doing something now that you'd be very proud of.

Speaking of going into business, there's a bookstore for sale that he's

interested in. And you want me to be an investor?

Oh, no, you'd have to buy the whole thing.

Dharma, honey, your father and I barely speak.

Let me tell you something.

Here's a big old check. It's a great icebreaker.

I don't think so, Dharma.

Perfect for Larry. This is a place where he could be happy for the rest of his

life. And I know you want him to be happy. You still sent him dental floss

his birthday.

Sweetheart. Come on.

Besides losing a whole bunch of money, what's the worst that could happen?

Dharma, I don't think that he would even take money from us. Well, yeah, that's

the other thing. You'd probably have to beg him a little.

Well, I'll tell you what. I will think about it. In the meantime, I found your

problem. I have a problem? I don't have a problem.

You, my dear, have a fractured filling.

Judy, could you set up for a two -surface composite and bring the

a 21 -gauge needle?

He's just kidding, Judy!

I don't know why you're bringing me back down here. I can't afford to buy this

place. You probably can.

I'm not really going to play hardball here.

Larry, let's not worry about the money. Just look around and decide if this is

something that you'd like to do.

It's a very exciting line of work.

Hello. Hey, Uncle Herb.

What's he doing here?

Well, I told him about the store, and he said he'd be willing to help you out.

Take a look around, Uncle Herb. I don't want his help. No need to be hasty.

Let's see what the nice man with a Rolex has to say.

It's, uh, it's not a bad place. You know, I mean, it could use a little

up. You might want to move this bookcase out of the doorway here.

Remodeling is one of the privileges of ownership.

It's a great opportunity, Uncle Herb.

Larry, if this is something that you want to do and you think you can make a

of it, I would be glad to lend you the money.

You see what he does to me? How can I work with that?

Okay, Dharma, I tried. No, hang on, Uncle Herb. Yes, hang on, Uncle Herb.

Larry, he really wants to help you out here.

No, he doesn't. He just wants to show he's the big man, just like he makes

everybody call him doctor when he's not one.

I am a dentist.

Let me ask you a question.

In a theater, when somebody yells, is there a doctor in the house, do you go

running? Of course not. Well, I do, because I care about people, and that

always be the difference between us. Why don't we focus on the things that you

have in common, huh?

It's like, hey, I never noticed it before, but you both have the same

pain in your forehead when you get angry.

Dharma, Dharma, I cannot, I cannot talk to this man. He thinks it is a crime to

be successful. I've worked for everything I have. Not everything.

Okay, here it is. Come on, come on. Let's talk about a Hank Greenberg

card taken from me in a crooked staring contest.

How can a staring contest be crooked? You tell me.

Why y 'all sort this out?

I'm writing down a number that would make me very happy and several others

would be just fine.

Okay, okay. This is ridiculous. I win again.

Do you want the money or not?

Okay, okay.

I'll take it. But you have to promise not to lord it over me.

I wouldn't do that, Larry.

Of course not. Because you're the perfect brother.

Okay, now you say something nice to Larry.

Oh, hello, son. I didn't know you were here.

Want a drink? Oh, no, thanks.

Do you want to hear the weirdest thing?

I was looking at this book on UFOs that Dharma has, and I realized that I have

the same book from high school, but they've changed it.

Same sightings, but now they're unexplained. The documentation is

They've deleted all of the rational explanations.

How is Dharma?

She's fine, but she believes in UFOs, and this kind of stuff is why.

You know, we had a couple of boys in Vietnam who said they saw a UFO or two.

You think maybe they did drugs? Well, after seeing something like that, who

could blame them?

Gregory. Hello, dear. What brings you by?

Probably nothing. Maybe something. Maybe something big.

Well, I wish you luck with that.

What's that, a rose?

Oh, this, yes. Well, it's the most delightful thing. I had lunch with

that little French place. And you know that charming valet? The one who always

remembers my name.

Yeah. He left this on the passenger seat.

Well, don't you think that's a little inappropriate?

Edward, are you jealous?

No. What would I do with a flower?

You are jealous. It's not right. You're a man's wife.

Yes, I am.

Now, I'm going up to my bedroom.

Why don't you slip into something a little more comfortable and join me?

Absolutely.

Uh, just to save us both a little embarrassment, this is about sex, right?

Okay, one used cash register, 50 bucks.

Pete, you are a lifesaver. Larry broke the other one trying to find the bell.

Did you know that Richard Nixon enlisted Elvis as a consultant on the fake moon

landing and part of it was filmed at Graceland?

Yeah, I heard that.

Okay, let me tell you a couple things about this. It doesn't have numbers per

se, so here's what you got to do. Say you got a book that's like $6.

You want to hit quarter pounder, quarter pounder.

That's not quite enough, so you want to go large fry, and that'll bring you

right in the ballpark there.

Karma, your belief in UFOs is not your fault.

I've done some research, and I think I've stumbled on an organized conspiracy

individuals suppressing the truth about UFOs for their own financial gain.

Yep, we're all getting rich. That's how we can afford these fancy lights.

You know, I dated a girl who was abducted by a UFO. You did not.

All right. She wasn't a girl. She was pushing 60, but...

Let me tell you, my friend, those aliens, they taught her a few tricks.

Yes, this makes sense. The superior race travels millions of miles to teach our

women how to have sex.

Take a look at these things, Greg. They're not lookers.

They better have some skills.

Look at this. We live in a culture of irrationality and conclusion jumping.

Yeah, hang on, honey. Where is our grand opening at? I took it down there

myself. They said we were going to be right between the futons and the colonic

irrigation.

Excuse me.

Fire inspection.

Oh. Okay.

Yes, hi. I'm calling about an ad I placed yesterday.

Let me ask you a question.

Does this look like a UFO to you?

Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, based on your own observation or on a predisposition

caused by images you've seen in the media?

Oh.

Yeah, I guess I see your point. See, it's easy if I explain it to you one -on

-one, but the trick is to explain it to a brainwashed public at large.

Yeah, I bet that's the trick, all right.

Strange. They said Mr. Finkelstein called and canceled the ad. That doesn't

any sense. We open tomorrow.

No, you don't. What?

Call us when you move that bookcase out of the doorway and we'll reinfect.

No, no, no. It's always been there.

Can you believe this guy?

Why did Larry cancel the ad?

Maybe he didn't.

Maybe you were given false information.

It happens. No, the woman said she personally spoke to a Mr.

Finkelstein.

But she didn't say Larry.

Why would Uncle Herb cancel the ad?

So the store would fail.

But he put up the money. Yeah, and why?

Look at this place.

Honey, Larry always claims that Uncle Herb always wants everyone to know that

he's the big success and that Larry is the failure.

Maybe there's something to that. I mean, who's the one who noticed the bookcase

and all of a sudden the fire inspector shows up? If the store never opens,

looks like a loser and Uncle Herb comes out scot -free just like the guys who

faked the moon landing.

See, honey, this is the problem with you believing in UFOs. It makes stuff like

this almost sound like it makes sense.

I'm sorry I haven't seen more of you, little guy.

He's a beautiful boy, Larry. I know. And look at that head of hair.

Don't get too attached to a little fella.

Word of the truth.

I don't know how you did it, Dharma, but it sure is great to see Herb and Larry

getting along so well.

Yeah.

Maybe I didn't do such a good thing here.

Why? Something wrong?

I might have conspiracies on the brain here, but I

think Uncle Herb is trying to sabotage the store.

Tell me that's completely crazy.

I wish I could, sweetie.

Why? Well, Herb's always been kind of jealous of Larry.

You know, of his lifestyle and his accomplishments and his analytical mind.

And plus, he never quite got over the fact that I chose Larry over him.

I never knew that.

Yeah, yeah.

I dated her first.

But we were at this party one night, and I saw your father across the room.

You know, he was wearing one of those fringe jackets, and he was spinning

and around.

I thought he was dancing, but he was just trying to get his arm into his

He needed me, and I've been there ever since.

Herb was pretty upset.

Well, he didn't say anything, but when Larry took me home, he tried to run us

off the road twice.

Let's serve the carrot cake.

I don't see anything wrong, Dharma.

Oh, there's something there. Keep looking. Maybe it's one of my molars.

The only problem I see in here, a little piece of walnut from your mom's carrot

cake.

So, how's it going with the bookstore?

Are you guys still opening tomorrow?

Why wouldn't we be?

I don't know.

Well, we are.

It's going to be a huge success. We got one of the guys from the X -Files coming

to sign autographs.

Really? Yeah.

Mitch Pelleggi plays the FBI boss.

With him there to watch us, there's no stopping us.

We just have to make sure that nothing happens to him when he's walking to the

store from the St. Regis Hotel at 9 o 'clock in the morning, right?

Okay, I see what's going on.

Why, nothing. I'm just talking about a guy who plays Skinner on The X -Files

staying at the St. Regis Hotel.

I think biting down on that walnut might have given you a little hairline crack

in that molar.

No, it didn't.

Does this bother you?

Are you sure?

I would tell you if it hurt, you don't have to do it again.

Well, I did it.

I laid a little trap for Uncle Herb with a little piece of cheese named Mitch

Polygy. Darma, you're drooling.

Yeah, I had a root canal, but it was so worth it.

What's that?

Oh, just some UFO info that might open a few eyes down at Larry's door.

Do you want a tissue? No, no, I'm fine.

Except for the throbbing pain.

Darma, Darma, look what you're doing.

You know, I know you care about your father, but you really have gone over

edge here. I think you need to stop obsessing. Where are you going? Oh, um,

Bruno UFO Society.

I'm going to rub their roses in the trees.

Right in front of me.

He gave you the damn flower right in front of me. Oh, please, he was

Oh, my, look at this. Oh, well.

Oh, a little, a little poem.

Uh, amor,

that's love, right?

Let me see that.

When I was a kid, I parked cars one summer at the country club. You fill

with the radio station, you move the seat around, maybe you take a little

change, but you leave the man's wife alone.

I will meet you upstairs.

The hell you will.

Edward, you're back.

Damn right I'm back.

You have to understand, people, you were taken in.

It's not your fault.

It's a bad conspiracy.

They had to throw the books.

Spielberg had the movie coming out.

This is not fringe stuff.

Aliens are a billion -dollar business in this country, and you are the poor,

unwitting pawns of the industry.

Any questions?

No. I think you made yourself pretty clear.

Thank you.

Takes all camps, don't it?

Yes, hi. Is this Marcel?

Yeah, hi. I'm the lady who called you about an hour ago about Mitch Pelleggi

from the X -Files.

I am not a kook. I just want to walk behind him and make sure he doesn't get

kidnapped by a dentist.

I have bad news. I think something happened with Mitch Pelleggi and I

What?

Okay, I'll be right there.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

I came as soon as I heard. Oh, if not sooner.

What? Larry, I'm sorry you have to find out this way, but...

Uncle Herb has been setting you up to fail. He canceled the ad. He tipped off

the fire inspector. He Shanghai'd our celebrity.

And when all else failed, he took a match to the place.

I burned the store down.

You heard it. Take him away, boys.

Wait, wait. Dharma, Herb didn't set the fire. They said that those old lights

that you put up started it.

And I canceled the ad.

You did?

Well, you said everybody will see it.

Everybody includes the CIA, the FBI, the student loan people.

Then who tipped off the fire inspector?

I think you did when you filed the application for a business license.

That was a good thing, Dharma, honey. There could have been people in here

you started the fire.

Okay.

All right, fine.

But then what happened to the guy from the X -Files?

I'm here.

Where have you been? I was waiting outside the hotel for you.

Sorry, I had to sneak out the back. Concierge gave me a heads up on some

fan that was stalking me.

That would be me.

Oh, my God, Larry, I burned your bookstore down.

It's okay, Pumpkin.

It was an accident.

We'll fix it up, and we'll start again.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay. It's okay.

She's a good kid, but sometimes she gets these crazy ideas in her head. I think

she gets it from her mother.

Kids? What are you going to do?

My 12 -year -old insists on dressing like Britney Spears.

Is Brian 12?

Or a misfit artist?

Mazel tov.

What happened?

Dharma healed a family.

Also, it turns out I was the mastermind behind a vast conspiracy to shut down my

father's bookstore.

I don't think so, Dharma.

I think it's bigger than that.

And I don't think one man can fight it.

Are you the X -Files guy?

Yes. You are part of something larger than you could ever, ever imagine.

Let's walk and talk, my friend.

Excuse me, Manuel.

Yes. I'm Edward Montgomery.

Silver Mercedes.

Pretty wife.

I wondered when this moment would come. Look, I know what's going on.

It took me a couple of times to figure it out, but she put you up to doing this

flower thing to make me jealous.

It is not some kind of a put -up. It's okay. She's a very persuasive woman, but

I'm on to you now.

You don't understand, Mr. Montgomery.

Your wife is a beautiful, amazing woman, and I love her.

I love her with all my heart.

Well, whatever the deal is.

Could you dial it back a notch?

I could probably handle one rose a week, but two is killing me.