All language subtitles for dharma_greg_s05e14_near-death_of_a_salesman

Hey, honey. Hey, Dharma.

Well, it is about time.

You go and you play golf every Sunday
while I sit here at home. What is

happening to our marriage?

I always play golf with my dad on
Sundays.

All right, I forgive you.

But now you have to forgive me because
my father's going to try to talk your

father into investing in some kind of
stupid business deal.

I'm sorry I tried to talk him out of it.

Ed, today is your lucky day.

Is it?

No, not.

Do you eat food, Ed?

No, I don't.

Get to it, Finkelstein. What are you
selling? I'm not selling anything. Just

taste this chili. It sells itself.

Mmm. Good.

Not bad. Spicy.

Gonna call it Uncle Larry's Vegetarian
Chili.

I talked him out of the Uncle Larry
-shaped bottle.

It's got a bit of a kick. Better hold on
to something. It comes in waves.

I need some water. Oh, no, actually,
water will just move it around. What you

need is starch, you know, maybe a piece
of bread or a cracker. Oh, yeah, we have

rice cakes. Would a rice cake help? No,
no, no, I don't want a rice cake. Oh,

that's what people say, and then they
try one.

Now, are you okay?

Now, Ed, you're going to be in charge of
marketing and production and rounding

up a lot of jars.

Maybe he should take an aspirin. Yeah,
I'll get one.

By the way, if you've got any ideas
about the name, I'm open.

Call 911.

Call 911.

Well,

it's out there, but you're the business
guy.

They're just finishing up some tats.
Routine.

Are they thinking it may have been
something he ate?

I don't think so. Larry, vegetarian
chili never hurt anyone.

Well, it wasn't technically vegetarian.

Well, what was in it?

I don't know. Meat.

Larry! Just a little hamburger for
flavor.

With some sausage and the beans were
larded with bacon before they went in.

my God. I ate two bowls of that stuff.

This is good, huh?

All right, everybody. He's fine. He's
fine. He's fine.

He's going to be fine. He had a little
event. Yes, just a little event.

An event like Lollapalooza? An event
like heart attack?

He had a heart attack.

Very mild.

He's going to be completely fine. It's
really the best thing that could have

happened to him. Oh, yes. It's a chance
for him to slow down a little bit, eat a

little better, get a little exercise.

Cut back on the scotch. Nobody said
anything about scotch. Let me see that

chart.

The doctor says he can get back to his
normal routine in two to three weeks.

My normal routine includes scotch.

You know what, Kitty, this is the time
of his life when he should get rid of

normal routine and begin nurturing his
spiritual side and start celebrating

life. No, it is not.

Kitty, he's become a wizened elder of
the tribe. In some cultures, he'd be

climbing a mountaintop and eating
hallucinogenic plants and discussing his

vision of the next life.

But I can't have scotch.

Okay, Kitty, how does this sound?

As soon as he's back on his feet, I'll
drive him down to Sedona to a holistic

retreat for a month of reflexology,
herbal baths, and walks in the woods.

No.

Okay, how about this? I sign him up for
daily spiritual meditation walks right

here in town with a group of Buddhist
priests that I know. No.

Weekly walks with Episcopal priests?

No. Can I take him for a walk? We'll
see.

I knew she'd cave. Yeah, you wore it
down.

Now see what you can do about the
scotch.

Hey, Janet.

Oh, hello.

How is Mr. Montgomery, Mr. Montgomery?

He's doing much better. He's going to
spend one more week at home. Did he get

our card? Yes, he enjoyed that very
much. He said to tell you that he was

going to hang in there, baby.

I signed it, love, Janet.

He wasn't uncomfortable with that, was
he?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, thank goodness.

I would hate for Mrs. Montgomery to
wonder.

She doesn't wonder.

Oh, good.

Anyway, it was not so much trouble. I
was hoping that I could pick up any

he needs to sign, phone messages, his
mail.

I already took care of that.

Now, I'm going to give you two pens.

He signs with the fountain pen, but when
he's reading, he likes clicking the

ballpoint. Okay.

Hi.

Hi. I'm Howard Lundquist. We met at the
Christmas party. Yes, I remember. Sure

you do.

How's your dad coming along? He's doing
much better, thanks. Good.

So he'll be able to show you the ropes
around here then.

I'm just picking up some things.

I see.

That's what I'm doing. You know, I've
been a senior VP in the legal department

for 15 years.

Kind of thing that could someday lead to
that big office in there.

Unless the prodigal son returns.

And I guess that's where we are today.

No, I'm not returning. I have my own
legal practice and I'm very happy there.

Uh -huh.

Oh, just so you know, I pay alimony to
two ex -wives, and I've got a prostate

the size of a death bone.

Oh, excuse me. We're looking for some
running shoes.

We're looking for walking shoes.

Everything I got is on the wall.

What kind of a way is that to sell
shoes?

Well, at least he's not pushy.

You know, my company owns this chain.

Really? And I've never been in one.

Look at that. Three customers over there
and there's nobody helping them.

Inventory all over the floor needs to be
re -shelled. Look at this. Yes.

You're right.

It's a mess.

When you go home, you should write
yourself a cranky letter.

Come on, let's get you some fresh air.

Excuse me.

Is anyone helping you? A guy told me
everything was on the wall.

Sit down. Sit down here. You need a
tennis shoe, right?

A fancy tennis shoe.

Something for running.

Ed, what are we doing here? I'm
measuring this man's feet, and I'm going

him a pair of shoes.

Ed, you're supposed to be relaxing.
You're working.

Oh, yes, you're right. I shouldn't be
doing this.

Okay, people, listen up.

I'm the man that signs your paychecks,
and I want two salesmen on the floor,

everybody else, a staff meeting in the
stockroom.

This shouldn't take very long.

Wait, you don't... You know Denny's, do
you? Because that's where I was going to

take you for lunch.

Hi, sorry I'm late, Marlene.

Oh, you weren't here? I've been sending
calls into your office all morning.

At the Barrington, after David arrived.

Is Pete here?

Yes.

Some of us have been here since 11.

Those are my saltwater taffy.

nude beach laws in California.

Ah, one second, Counselor. Okay, so, uh,
after lunch, uh, we'll discuss, uh,

suing people and, you know, how all that
goes.

Oh, uh, and Denise, why don't you get a
table for four over at McCaffrey's and,

uh, order the professor a whiskey sour.

You're teaching law. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm teaching introduction to pre -law
for the single woman.

How noble.

Well, the law's been very good to me.

About time I gave a little something
back.

Marlene, some coffee?

Sure, if you're going.

And a piece of coffee.

A little tight.

Bring me ten and a half.

Oh, did you see the hole in his sock?

Make a sale.

Oh, I just wanted to let you know, the
shoes that you're getting also come in

black, so you can get away with them at
work.

I don't know. Why, that's my last pair
on your side.

All right.

You won't regret it.

Waterproof spray?

I don't think so. Oh, I see. So you're
going to come back in a month and spend

another $400 on shoes, hmm? Fine.

What else do I need?

Shoelaces, insoles, and I'll throw in
the tube socks.

Bring them up, Vaughn.

And? Thank you for choosing Coach's
Corner.

Ed, you are smoky. Oh, I like doing
this.

I can see that. Your cheeks are all
pink.

That throbby vein is gone from your
forehead.

You know, when I started working, I
started in sales.

I forgot how much I love it.

It's business in its purest form.

Now I just sit in an office and stare at
papers and merge this, acquire that.

So work here.

What? Look, I had big plans. You know,
get you out for a walk, go get a mud

bath, maybe surprise you with a high
colonic.

Nothing can make you as centered and
relaxed as that.

Oh, come on. I just can't start selling
shoes.

You own the company. You can do whatever
you want. I don't know.

Don't you think you have a right to be
happy?

It's never really come up before.

Come on. Try it out. You get to wear a
whistle.

All right. I'll think about it. In the
meantime, can you take that outside?

There's no food or beverage allowed in
the store.

A big episode.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Montgomery. I didn't
see you. I was just dropping off these

papers, and I used to sit in this chair
when I was a kid.

Yes, and your father would have a
coffee, and you would have a cocoa.

How do you know that? You weren't here
then.

It's in the file.

Would you like a cocoa?

No, thank you.

How about a soft drink? Water?

Barkling? Flat?

You don't happen to have any saltwater
taffy.

The best... Come from Atlantic City. I
could have them flown in by tomorrow.

me get back to you with some flavor
choices.

I was just... Okay?

So you're all settled in, huh?

I'm not staying.

Oh, right, right. You're just picking up
your father's paperwork.

Bringing it back, actually. And this is
just a small thing, but I couldn't help

notice on this letter of intent on the
Kinesco acquisition, you don't seem to

allocating a sufficient window for due
diligence.

Okay, so that's the deal. I make one
little mistake and I'm out of here.

So long, loyal worker.

Hello, fruit of my loins.

I'm just saying you might have missed
it.

Yes, sir. Won't happen again, sir.

Oh, you're here.

No, he's not here. He's just dropping
off paperwork.

What are you doing here?

Your dad just wanted some old book about
how to sell stuff.

See you later. Hey, what's going on?

Well, if you ask me, I'll tell you.
Because that is the kind of relationship

have, based on honesty.

So before you technically and officially
ask me, let me just tell you in all

honesty, you don't want to know.

Where is he, Donna?

He's selling sneakers at the mall.

Do you remember the old days when I
would have said, what? Or, or... No,

on, where is he really?

Ha! We've grown.

Yes?

Mrs. Biedermeier saw him at the mall
selling shoes.

Well, was she sure that it was Dad?

He waved at her.

I'll give you some privacy.

Don't move.

No, no, Mother, I don't think that you
need to go down there.

I'm sure that Dad will come to his
senses eventually.

Yes, I suppose your presence might help
speed that along.

My mother's headed for the mall.

Me too. Want to come?

Remember the old days when I would have
said, sure.

Uh -huh.

There you go. if you find these cheaper
someplace else, you're spending too much

time shopping and not enough running.

Hey, Ed. No business like shoe business,
huh?

Hey, that's a good one.

So, where did you tell Kitty you were
going to be today?

I told her I was going to be playing
cards at the country club.

Don't you think she would have
understood if you had said, hey, I am a

just had a heart attack and I need to
find a way to relax and I found

and it's a little unusual, but damn it,
it worked for me?

Why, I think she bought the card thing.

Edward Montgomery.

What on earth are you doing here?

Kitty, he is a man who's just had a
heart attack.

Oh, shoot, I just had it.

My husband is selling shoes.

Yeah, and the way he's going, he is
looking at two passes to the Great

theme park in Santa Clara.

Two passes? I bet he'll take you, Kit
Kat.

Beverly Biedermeyer, saw you in here
measuring people's feet. Beverly

Biedermeyer? I waved at her. I couldn't
think of her name.

I told her she must be mistaken that it
was probably your semi -recovered

alcoholic brother, Billy.

That's not going to hold up forever.

Kitty, there is nothing to be
embarrassed about. Edward loves selling

He's relaxed.

He's happy. Look at him. I am looking at
him. He looks ridiculous.

Oh, then you really won't like me in my
summer uniform. It's shorts and a tank

top.

Edward Montgomery, it is time for you to
come home.

Ed?

You tell her that you love it here and
that you're going to stay.

No, Dharma.

This has been fun, but... And I really
appreciate what you've been doing,

But this is not where this man belongs.

What about all the fun of making a sale
and business in its purest form?

No, no, Kitty's right.

I, um... I have a lot of things I ought
to be doing.

Punch out for me, will you, Bone?

You just going?

Totally, Doc.

Totally.

I'm looking for the running shoes.

Everything I got is on the wall.

Hello, Donna.

Edward forgot his book. Oh, thank you.

Kitty, about the shoe store, I'm sorry.
I just thought someone should be

thinking about Edward's happiness.

Apology accepted.

It wasn't really an apology.

Well, let's just... pretend it was, and
move on.

Listen, I still think Edward needs to
find ways to relax and decompress. And

selling shoes is wrong for reasons I
don't completely understand, maybe he

find something on this list. I didn't
put anything on there where he needs to

wear a uniform or touch people's feet or
sing, even though I don't really know

where you stand on that.

I wouldn't like that. That's what I
thought.

So, can I show this to him?

He's not here. He went to the office.

Kitty, how could you make him go back to
that office? I didn't. Oh, come on. You

dragged him out of that shoe store by
his ear. Because Edward Montgomery

not be selling shoes.

I have no objection to the man enjoying
his life.

Frankly, I think it's time he retired.

Well, you don't seem to be helping much.

One could say the same thing of you.

What? You are the one who encouraged
Gregory to search his soul, to follow

blitz, to defend the innocent.

Did you ever stop to think that the only
reason Edward Montgomery is sitting in

that office is because he is waiting for
his son to come in and take over the

reins?

No? Well, think about it now.

That's everything I had on the Kinesco
acquisition. I also noticed something in

the prospectus for the Energy Division
tracking stock. I had the flu when I

wrote that.

There you go, sir.

Cocoa with miniature marshmallows.

Thank you, Janet.

Nothing for me, thanks.

Back to the tracking stock. Howard, have
the underwriters signed off on this

third quarter financial?

Oh, hey, Dad.

Am I interrupting?

No, no, I just brought your papers back
and I noticed a couple of things, minor

things. Very minor things.

You have to be some kind of superhuman
freak to notice them.

Not that you're fun at the freak.

Or freakish.

If you'll excuse me, I have a urologist
appointment.

Thanks. My dad will fill you in on the
rest of this.

I guess I should be getting out of here.
You probably want your desk back.

You look pretty good sitting there.

Janet tells me you worked out some of
the kinks in the Canesco deal. Just a

couple of simple things. Howard would
have caught them.

Eventually.

It's not his fault. He's got some kind
of a medical problem.

He mentioned that.

Anyway, I'll see you later, Dad.

Hey, why don't you stick around? We
could go down to the commissary, grab a

lunch. I've got to get back to the
office.

Yeah, maybe some other time.

You know, they have an Edward Montgomery
sandwich.

Really? Only place I've ever seen it.

What time will you be in in the morning,
sir? Oh, I won't be in in the morning,

tenant. I'll make a note of that.

Oh, sir, your taffy arrived.

All right, class. Now, which of these
examples is not sexual harassment?

Mr. Jones, could you bend over and see
what's in the bottom of that?

I told him he could finish the semester.

Where's Marlene?

What psychic electrolysis?

I'm hoping those are two separate
errands.

Listen.

I'm sorry about what happened with your
dad.

No.

You care about him, and you want him to
relax and enjoy his life.

Sometimes I get it in my head that I can
fix these things, but I can't fix this

one.

No, you can't.

I mean, I thought your mom was
pressuring him to go to work, but it

your dad just... Well, he has his own
reasons for being there.

I think he's waiting for me, Dorma.

He won't ask, but...

He won't leave the business until he
knows I'm there.

Okay, how is it that everybody in your
entire family knows everything about

everybody without ever talking?

Is it like dolphins? Is it a scent
thing? Is it telepathy? What's the code?

I'm going to do it, Donna.

Are you going to work for your dad? Just
temporarily, you know, to make him

comfortable about taking it easier.

It's not going to be easy leaving behind
everything you've created here.

Make yourself at home, why don't you?

Yes, you should sue me for that. That
was exactly my point.

If I want to take the stairs, somebody
threw up in the elevator.

For sisters.

So you're not going to miss it here? No,
it'll be a sacrifice, but he is my

father.

Congratulations, you are now a graduate
of the Pete Kavanaugh Law School.

Congratulations, et cetera, et cetera,
et cetera.

I'm sorry, Nadine, you've got to do a
little extra credit work.

You almost done in here?

Yeah, all done.